I have lived with and raised my son on my own for the majority of the last 8 of the 11 years of his life and have been learning that the responsibility of being a parent is not what I first thought it was.
My Son and I and Being a Parent
In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being. Therefore, with the birth of my son, I proceeded to construct a life between us that protected what was my ‘ideal of love’.
For me being loved meant being understood; therefore whenever I felt I was not understood, I would use this as an excuse to isolate from the world and focus entirely on making the relationship with my son to be everything that I needed.
Instead of taking up the responsibilities of being a parent, I would make sure no conflicts existed between us; I would pander to all my son’s demands and more often than not, fulfill them. Indeed the relationship between my son and I seemed harmonious on the surface because he would always get what he wanted.
For example, I would let him have his dinner while watching TV, so there was no true communication every time we ate, or I allowed him to indulge in excessive video game playing because I had to work, even though this made him aggressive and bad tempered. I would go all out in all ways to appease any potential conflict.
Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us.
There was no true harmony within our relationship or in being a parent, as I needed my son to fit into my way of life and offer me company. Very soon he knew he could ask me for anything because of what my needs were. I started to realise that the relationship between my son and I was no different from any close relationship I have had with others, especially with men.
However, eventually the grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself could no longer be ignored. The pain of ignoring how I truly felt in many everyday situations and not expressing my truth got too immense. Every single day I was living with a deep sadness that would explode into crying episodes once in a while. I was never completely free from this grief, no matter what I tried.
Taking Self Responsibility: Building a True Relationship with my Son
The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known. That is:
The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.
It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.
The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behaviour that were controlling my life. After eleven years of being a mother I have finally become a truly responsible parent, without perfection. There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.
For example, even when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.
I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.
My son used to always say when he was younger: “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” Now I realise the truth of this sentence and what a true relationship is. What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for forever opening and deepening my knowing and living of the true love that I am.
By Adele Leung, Fashion stylist/Art director, Hong Kong
Related Reading, Building True Relationships and Responsible Parenting
557 Comments
Adele, you have an amazing way of expressing the love that you are and the love you hold for everyone else. Your light, lights the way for us all to return to a one-unified way of being with everyone.
Adele, I have never read a more honest and truthful description of a ‘normal’ mother-son relationship. I have seen many such relationships but I have never seen them described so clearly, let alone by a mother in such a relationship!
‘I love this blog and you shared here some beautiful wisdom- one that stood out of me and let me ponder on: Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love.’ – this is the key to not react…. Thank you for this inspiration.
This is beautiful to read Adele, I have a young son and can relate to a lot of what you have written,’ less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’ I have become aware recently of how I can harden my body when ‘telling off’ my son and my voice changes and it feels horrible, I am learning to stay with my fragility and sensitivity and express from here and it feels lovely, I am becoming aware that there is no need for raising my voice or making my body hard, this simply does not work for my son or me.
Being a parent myself, I can relate to so much that you have shared here Adele. Sometimes love means saying a firm ‘no’ to our children. What you have written does not only relate to parenting, but also to any relationships that we have. This line stood out for me “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” I am continuing to learn how fundamental and vitally important it is to develop that loving relationship with ourselves first.
Beautiful Adele. It’s great how you have pointed out that the interaction between parents and children pave the way for future interactions for that child. Bring a bit more care and responsibility with parenting gets you to see it in a different light… Living the way we think we ‘should be’ is a killer.. the way you have explained the foundation of any true relationship is the way to go.
Beautiful Adele thank you for sharing so honestly your life and the amazing changes with your relationship with your son, your self and everyone through true love and the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine in this.
Responsibility in being a parent truly lovingly is so vital to the world today in its emptiness – this writing is a real gift.
Adele, thank you for your expression of parenting. I can feel I have a lot to learn about parenting so hearing your experience is incredibly valuable. I’m so appreciative I have people like you around me – the support in the reflection you bring is so needed by all of humanity too.
No matter how young or old we are, we can start parenting ourselves and give ourselves the love that we know is possible. There is nothing greater than the warmth of self love and appreciation we can give ourselves that serves not only ourselves, but our children and many other people we meet.
Adele your blog is so honest in how parenting is not easy but is not so hard if we make choices to care for ourselves and identify where our needs still remain in our relationships. I love the way you noted there is no perfection just constant learning.
Adele, you have so beautifully put into words much of what I have experienced with my son. I have always wanted harmony in my family but have learnt to compromise the expression of truth and true love to have the false appearance of harmony. Recently thanks to the support of Universal Medicine practitioners and their willingness to express the truth no matter what, I have had to take a good look at how I was parenting. I realise the biggest responsibility we have is to keep reflecting truth and love, so our kids can choose that for themselves. If we don’t present it who else will they see it from? This is the foundation we have a responsibility to give them. It’s that simple.
What you have expressed here Adele is so clear and inspiring to read. These are the sorts of articles we should be reading in women’s magazines. Parenting from self-responsibility rather than neediness so that we can build true relationships…its certainly a game changer and as you say it starts with ourselves and then can be shared with others.
This blog is filled with truly lived wisdom and therefor an undeniable inspiration for everyone. You expose the games we silently agree to play to stay in a comfortable relation. And not only as parents but with so many other relationships as well.
Adele, this is an absolutely gorgeous, open and honest blog about your relationship with your son. The love between you is palpable and the changes you brought about are enormous. Thank you for sharing this very relatable relationship here with us.
Wow Adele, your blog really does say it all about true parenting.
I love how you show us your journey going from doing anything to appease your son and avoid the emotion explosions, to being true to both yourself and your son and then connecting to a deep, committed and truly loving and equal relationship.
I love the amazing evolution of your relationship with your son, so beautifully described here. Children still know love. It’s up to us adults to remember and honour what love truly is – it’s not ‘soft’ parenting and allowing the children everything, indulging them, but guiding them and reminding them of who they truly are. This means we as adults need to know and claim who we truly are; children are a great reflection. And they do as the parents do, not as they say : ).
Wow, your honesty is so awesome Adele. “Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted.” How many children are parented this way because of a need from the parent? You bring much awareness to the art of parenthood!
Thanks Adele for your inspiring honesty. In my experience, the children who have parents who say no rather than pander to their children’s wants at will, live with more harmony than those who are given everything they think they want or need. They reach a level of knowing they don’t need things set up in a particular way to feel ok. There is much freedom in that alone.
Another beautiful sharing Adele. Wonderful to feel how the development of intimacy with yourself, of expressing truth and taking responsibility has of course rippled out into your relationship with your son. A gorgeous confirmation that when we sacrifice ourselves as Mothers as so many women do that we are cheating not only ourselves but our children from experiencing the fullness of who we are.
Adele this is great. Your insights into what just might be a common trap around the decision to have a child – to fill a void and meet your own needs – are honest and inspiring. Thank you.
This absolutely struck a chord with me – having children as the next attempt to fix myself from the outside. But also the inspiration that even though that was the original impulse, every day with my children provides opportunities for fresh review and growth.
That is so true Matilda, however our relationship began with our children or anyone for that matter, we can re-imprint them with more awareness, and any relationship is a constellation for more growth, how inspiring life is.
Beautifully expressed. Even when the impulse originally came from a need to fill an emptiness, this can be re-imprinted and new growth and awareness brought forth. Showing us that relationships and life are a constant evolution
Adele I could have been reading about myself and my son, the relationship built on need and on pandering but no true love. I consider that one of the greatest blessings I’ve received in this life is the wisdom shared by Serge Benhayon in relation to self-responsibility and honesty for it allowed me to examine in painful detail the reasons I chose to have a child on my own, to fill an emptiness in me and in my life, to bring love to my life. How arrogant and imposing on another – no wonder he used to be so demanding and angry! From the point of honesty I’ve then come to know that another can never bring me anything for everything I need is already within me. As I claim this more and more each day the expansion of the relationship with my son is so beautiful – he gets to be who he is as I live who I am. It’s certainly a different way of parenting and one that is so needed.
Thank-you Adele, for a truly inspiring blog. What a blessing you and your son are to each other. There are so many inspiring lines I could choose, but I choose this one for now ~
“…and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are…”
This is something I constantly work at reminding myself when I begin to go into self-doubt or some other innocuous emotion, and that’s ugly and just limits me from becoming who I truly am.
Your photo feels so full of joy and playfulness, truly lovely!
Adele, I recognize a lot in what you wrote. My son is 20 years old, and in his younger years, I also used him to fill up the voids I felt in my life with myself and my relationships. We went through a difficult time in his puberty and often I felt desperate , because I could not reach him. Now I have more love for myself and that reflects on our relationship, I am letting go of wants and needs for it to be a certain way and can truly honor the beautiful person he is. I do not own him, nor can I make choices for him. Basically, I let go of ‘doing’ a mother, and became ‘being’ a parent.
Thank you Adele for your sharing back to a truly loving relationship with your son – I am sure that there are so many parents that can relate to your story. A great teaching of how returning to your true expression of love has such a magnificent effect in the world, touching everyone. The more that return to this way of parenting, the generations will heal them selves.
I also really love one of the last lines – What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined. – Stunning as this love can only deepen day by day.
Very well said, Simone, the choice to be true to ourselves has an affect on everyone and everything around us, so the world changes each time we commit to love.
Beautiful blog Adele thank you. It is so true, the basis of our relationship with ourselves does form the basis of every relationship in our lives and the ones we build as children will influence our future ones too. How gorgeous for your son to now have the opportunity to build his relationship with himself because one of his main roles models, his mum, has chosen to this for her self too. This is real education in action.
True, gorgeous and very recognizable your sharing. Thanks Adele. Especially:
‘I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.’
This is my experience in being the mother of 2 children too. The foundation of any relationship is the relationship with ourselves. The more loving we are with ourselves and take responsibilty for our choices and our lives the richer and truly loving the relationship with others can be.
Thank You Adele for such a clear and common sensical approach to parenting. Regardless if one is a parent or not the idea of the relationship we have with ourselves is the base of our relationship with others. And how important that is in providing a certain quality when teaching children how to form relationships based on their first interactions with others. What really stuck with me today was that remembering of who we are, a quality of love, underneath what we do or should we react to another is the best starting point. Thank you.
I know this one Adele as I too had my children from a place of need to full-fill the sadness and loneliness I felt and then threw myself into being the best mother I could with little regard for myself. The mess I created by allowing my eldest to rule me, I am now slowly undoing. It’s been challenging at times as I take responsibility for what I’ve chosen, however the joy I feel more and more within along with the amazing connection and confirming heart expansion felt when I look into my children’s eyes melts me, making it all worthwhile. The love and support I’ve been shown and presented by Universal Medicine and then chosen for myself, I deeply appreciate as I am now better positioned to raise these sweet boys in a truer and more loving way. It’s ongoing but always comes back to how I am, how I care and love for myself so I am able to be there for them, support them, guide them on their journey through life so they have the opportunity to grow into men who can do the same for themselves and in turn be there for others.
Adele this is beautiful, there are so many ideals and believes around parenting. True parenting asks from us to let go the how it should be or look and to open up to the love we are and share with our children and everybody else. You are a great example of true parenting.
Thank you Adele I am blown away by the honesty with which you have shared your parenting journey and how your realisation that you had ‘never lived a truly loving relationship with myself’ impacted all your relationships and the way you parented. Having been a single parent for most of my daughter’s life I can feel how much of my behaviour and parenting was based on my needs rather than taking responsibility for looking after myself first and then parenting from there.
Brilliant piece Adele. Parenting is hugely important since it brings forth our next generation and how we raise them sets not only a way of being for them as individuals but also as part of the wider humanity and eventually as parents themselves. So for you to rediscover honesty and true parenting to share with your son, and all of us, is immense.
Adele, thank you for sharing your parenting story. I myself have experienced how easy it is to hide behind my child when I make my life all about them. It is very freeing, if not uncomfortable and exposing at times, when you begin to parent by simply being yourself. Recently I had to talk to my daughter and we came up with some consequences for some particular choices being made and although they were very firm, they were offering her nothing less than love and she felt that. A confirmation of the fact that she is looking for guidance and support and the more I deliver on this front the more supported she feels.
So true Sally, although not a parent myself I too have hidden behind other people in order to not deal with my own issues. I love how you spoke with your daughter and explored the consequences. This is true guidance, the ability to not react but to clearly explore what the future will look like if we choose a, b or c. It teaches us so much, a way to feel forward, to include other people and to see how one choice based on our own needs plays out in everyone’s lives. We can only do this for another if we are choosing to live this for ourselves and so it reinforces the message in Adele’s article that everything hinges on the relationship we build with and for ourselves.
What a beautiful liberation for you both. So many of us have been caught in a relationship founded on need and expectation, that really is only emotionally self-serving and absent of the true joy of connection, as I also have done. Your commitment to true love and your choice to return to a true relationship with yourself and your love based on truth, honesty, understanding and appreciation is such a powerful reflection to your son (and everyone) on how a true relationship feels as you have beautifully expressed – ‘The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.’- truly inspiring. Thank you Adele.
What I enjoyed about this sharing is your honesty of what its like as a parent and what you have gone through. Also seeing how you were able to recognise the patterns you had developed with your son and then made the effort to make it about love not need.
I love the way you put this Kristy, recognising the patterns and making the effort to make it about love not need. Making life and relationships about true love does take work after many years living the opposite of this. I Like to remind myself whenever I am feeling challenged by an old pattern and it feels as if I will never be free of it, that I have a choice, and that with understanding and with commitment, that old pattern will eventually be no more, and love will take its place.
Your blog gives such a clear picture of your life and relationship with your son before and after taking the responsibility for developing a relationship with yourself first, Adele. Before feels like you were trying to be in control and never were, whereas after gives me this feeling of an ever expanding and deepening love between you and the freedom to express the truth.The joy in both your faces in the photo is a delight to see.
This is a great sharing Adele. What you say is very familiar and I reflected on the trials and tribulations I had when my son was younger and I was parenting from the neediness you touch on here. So easy to say yes to what we know is not true when we want to get on with work or want to avoid the explosive reactions from a child that has been told no. So lovely to feel and understand that there is another way and that it is perfectly possible to live it. Thank you for offering inspiration.
Adele I was deeply touched reading this. It is rare to read a parent write with such honesty and integrity. The other thing that struck me was how much what you wrote applies to all relationships – I guess the constant is that it always starts with the relationship we have with ourselves and the rest is a reflection.
When I see and accept that all relationships are reflections, I am open to the opportunities on offer – taking responsibility for my part in everything and therefore being inspired and willing to learn and grow. Thank you, Nicola.
Wow Nicola, what a profound way of being in relationships, simply building that connection with ourselves that will then naturally transpire to our relationships with others
What you have expressed here is so true, Adele. In some ways it is easier to pander to our children but we pay the price of not having a relationship based on truth and honesty .
” when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this”. These are such wise words and are so very pertinent for me at the moment. Thank you.
Adele as a mother of 7, I can completely relate to having relationships with children based on need. I am so grateful that I have embraced greater responsibility for myself in the last few years which has naturally flowed onto a more responsible and equal relationship with my children.
Thank Adele for you openness and honesty. This is such a powerful acknowledgment of how we can believe we are being loving but in fact in truth not and how True Love is based must come from Truth. I know from my own experience of parenting I was coming from need and now learning it is never too late to change.