We have three beautiful daughters, ages 10, 5 and 1. When my husband and I are at work, they are looked after by our parents. We deeply appreciate this while knowing that both parents have a different way of parenting and taking care of the children. We accept this and also, in the years gone by, there were times where we agreed and times where we did not agree on certain things, but we were always grateful that they looked after the children.
We noticed that we did not always express what we felt. But what we have recently learned is that every experience is an opportunity for healing.
My youngest daughter always had trouble winding down after a day at my parents- in-law: we noticed that this occurred a couple of times and the intensity of her resisting to winding down went from bad to worse – she would stay awake for hours and scream when put to bed. If we would pick her up out of the bed, she would not settle but insist on playing. The last time it was very severe and I remembered Michael Benhayon talking to me about ‘reading’ the children – this simply means connecting with them and feeling what they are actually communicating, or feeling into what the child is trying to communicate when they are unsettled and see what is going on in them. So I asked myself the question; “What do you read out of this / what do you feel in this? … What is she trying to tell me?”
I could feel there was stress and anxiousness in her body and it seemed as if she felt suffocated. I communicated this to my mother-in-law and she started to think about what she could do to entertain her, like taking her out for a walk etc.
I felt that it was not so much about doing something, but more about how she was when she was with her granddaughter.
I specifically asked her if she enjoyed having her granddaughter around. She answered that she was always very afraid that something might happen to her and therefore she is very tense and restrictive towards her granddaughter. This is what the little girl is picking up on when she is around her grandmother and this is what she was showing us at home.
After discussing this with my mother-in-law, she babysat again at our home. My husband arrived home earlier and, after a little while, our daughter went out into the yard. At that moment my mother-in-law yelled out, “Ooh no, she is going out into the yard!” My husband said, “Just let her go, she is very capable of going outside.”
My mother-in-law literally stood stiff as she watched her crawl out into the yard. Nothing happened, she didn’t fall over and was happily crawling in the yard. My mother-in-law felt a huge tension drop down from her shoulders and felt for the first time that it was okay to trust.
Two days later she told me on the phone how she sat with what had happened and felt that, as a third child out of eight, she was one of the eldest who had to look after her sisters and brother. Every time one of them hurt themselves or started to cry, she would be punished by her parents for not looking after them well enough. This made her extremely tense around little children and when she eventually became a mother herself, she became over protective and even cried when one of her sons came home with a minor injury or something similar. Now she could feel that her childhood experience reflected to her an ingrained belief that she was not able to look after her children in a way that they would not get hurt and that she had somehow failed.
This was huge for her to understand what she had been carrying around for years. Her granddaughter gave her a beautiful gift by exposing this behaviour that was not honouring the loving, caring and responsible woman that she naturally is.
So now with that out of the way, she can develop a true relationship with her granddaughter, which also affects and heals the relationships with her sisters and brother, sons and other two grandchildren.
Letting go of the false belief that she is not capable of looking after little children makes her less tense around them and gives her an understanding that children can fall in the process of exploring what their bodies are capable of. It is still a work in progress, but she can be more relaxed around her granddaughter and enjoy being with her, connecting to a true way of taking care of the children that is already within her. And we immediately experienced the effect this has on our youngest daughter: she is not as tense as she used to be after a day with her grandparents.
For me to experience the simplicity of connecting and reading what is actually going on was very confirming, and I thank Michael Benhayon for his support and reflection.
By Diana Renfurm – Divorce Mediator, The Netherlands
Published with permission of my mother-in-law.
Further Reading:
Living religion: the magic in my connection
Loving Daily Choices and Healing Hurts
We Are Not Our Hurts
861 Comments
Beautiful to feel the space that you offered your mother-in-law, with no blame or reaction towards how she was being towards your children – just the understanding for her to feel in her own time and space a deeper hurt she’d been holding on to, and to be able to let it go.
Parenting as with anything in life does not work if we keep it purely based on the physical. There is more to life than just what is physical and therefore reading beyond just what we see with our eyes is super important
Children have so much wisdom to share with us when we are open to listening and reading what their body is showing us.
I feel reading others and situations would be a super valuable inclusion in our school syllabuses, for all age groups. And as adults we too can reflect this to children by us reading and sharing the bigger picture of our observations and readings.
Thank you Diana Reading this today I can see more clearly how looking after my brothers and other younger boys who were my parent’s friends’ children has had an effect on me. I have also been over protective which has meant that I have gone against what I know is true and pandered to others. This pattern is changing however it is great to see how it can hover in the background and influence the way we are with anyone to a lesser or greater degree.
What a beautiful lesson for you all and the opportunity for your mother-in-law to begin to heal what she had been carrying with her since childhood. It simply goes to show that the hurts and traumas of childhood stay buried within us until they are brought to the surface, often in very painful ways. But you also show it is possible to heal the inner wounds of the past.
It was great that you were able to read the situation and see first hand how the grandmother was reacting, all this allowed for a true healing to take place, one that had effected other family members.
What I love about this is how you and your husband responded to the situation you met with your child. You reflected, observed, read and communicated with your mother with love. Reflecting on her childhood, unlocked an old belief and brought healing to herself and whole family. The power of reading situations cannot be underestimated.
What I love about this is the openess and lack of defence in your mother in law, her willingness to open up and share what is going on for her- I found this very beautiful.
What a beautiful example of how healing our relationships are when we are open to the evolution that is on offer through them, through every constellation we are in. Through what you have shared Diana, you highlight the power on offer for us to heal our hurts with the support of each other, so we can all bring to life and freely live the love that we all innately are.
The way Diana was able to express what she read about her child’s reactions to being with her grandparents indicates just how effective and powerful it is to not hold back how we feel to others, even our immediate family whom we tend to be more ‘polite’ and ‘nice’ to in order to not hurt anyone’s feelings. But as this blog shows, amazing healing can come from a simple sharing of how one feels things to be at any one time.
There are so many hurts that we can cary from our childhood, so many experiences which if we don’t unpick and understand how they impact us will forever haunt us and control our behaviours.
Reading other people and situations should be reconnected to as part of our education for its healing properties and ability to unpick situations and bring understanding and a way forward.
This is so healing for everyone because it is so awesome that you were open to the fact that your youngest daughter was clearly communicating that something was amiss and that you and your mother-in-law were able to support each other to explore the possibilities and now you are all benefitting from the evolving resolution of all the relationships.
Such simple wisdom but so rarely practiced in our world today. Reinforces the importance of connecting with and understanding our children not from our heads but from our entire body being open to what they are communicating.
The way I know if I got a reading that is true is if I feel expanded in my body.
I appreciate the openness of your mother-in-law! As not everyone would have been ready to look at, what may have caused the anxiety and reflect with an honesty about it. What a lovely constellation, everyone could learn from. Beautiful also that you took her by her hand and not reacted or dismissed her. With true understanding, we can heal our hurts and support each other.
This reflects the power of reading the underlying cause of any behaviour and a willingness to discuss it.
This is a beautiful sharing Diana, and shows the importance of reading, and communicating, and how this can assist in a deep healing.
Thank you Diana, such gorgeous example from your experience with your mother, and how beautiful that it actually allowed healing to take place of the old hurt(pain). Love is always open and offering space for the not love to come out.
What a beautiful healing for your mother-in-law and for many readers. It is amazing how we all can affect each other depending on what is going on for us and what we are choosing to reflect, it can be either healing or harming.
This was such a healing for everyone, including the reader! It showed me how important it is to not react or judge in a situation and simply read what is going on. From there we need to express what we observed, then allow things to unfold naturally.
Offering another the opportunity to let go of hurts and trust is one of our most significant responsibilities on our return back to the soul.
When my children are not themselves I call it out and talk to them about how they are feeling. Sometimes they express immediately what is going on for them and at other times it is down to me to read what is going on from when I first become aware of their behaviour. I find it interesting though as kids do know exactly what is going on… they can hold back because they also know that when they express the truth the response from me may not be what they would like to hear!
Reading situations in life allow us to see the bigger picture that is at play thereby affording us the opportunity to respond with an understanding of the healing which is on offer, for all concerned.
Brilliant – this reminds me that life is an ever-unfolding process and every single day and in every single situation we can be learning more and more about life.
We can carry a huge amount of hurts from our past that continue to shadow our present everyday life, but the amazing thing is one experience that addresses and corrects that particular fear or hurt can allow a huge healing and letting go of the old to make way more both understanding and more love.