Before I came to any of the Universal Medicine courses, I slept around and had sex quite regularly, without much consideration for myself. I felt that having sex was just a normal, socially acceptable thing to do. Settling for sex was a way of getting some kind of attention, even if it wasn’t more than “wham bam thank you man”! What I was searching for was love and a loving relationship – but what I settled for was sex.
And it wasn’t even good sex I settled for. All it was is this: “Here I am, let’s get it over and done with because at least I have your attention for a little bit because I know – sooner or later – you will be gone and I will be on my own again”.
Because of my past experiences with being sexually abused and never really dealing with that issue, I never really felt safe and supported by a partner, even if some were doing their best at the time to support me.
More often than not, I would not want to have sex, but I went through with it regardless because it was better than feeling alone or being rejected and because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
I would do so much to not be rejected. I would give up me, and lay myself down so that I would be ‘loved’.
What is crazy is that none of that felt right to me. I knew it didn’t feel right at the time but I did it anyway. I didn’t ever get the ‘love’ I was searching for.
- I didn’t know there was a difference between having Sex and Making Love.
- I didn’t know that I would feel better within myself if I chose to love and care for myself first.
- I didn’t realise that giving my body over to someone else to use for sex was hurting me deeply.
- I was not aware that there was another way.
What I have learned from Universal Medicine, presentations by Serge Benhayon and from other Esoteric practitioners, is that there is no need to search for love or attention from outside and that I can be the One who loves me and cares for me tenderly.
I have been building this love for myself over the last 3 years and at first it was quite strange and foreign. This fact reveals how unloving I really was with myself. I was not aware of how sacred and precious I am.
Now that I love me, there is no way I would just hand my body over to be used for sex; there is no way I would now settle for sex when searching for love. From the role models that I have now, I can see what a true ‘gentleman’ looks and behaves like, and I can see what a loving relationship can be like and all I can say is it is far from what I have ever experienced. It brings me so much joy in seeing that there is indeed another way – a truly loving way. I have not yet experienced this other way, but I am aware that it exists and that is awesome.
My choices to cherish me, and to not settle for sex, have been inspired by the Esoteric Women’s Group and presentations from Natalie Benhayon and Serge Benhayon of Universal Medicine.
By Rosie Bason, Mullumbimby, Australia
483 Comments
Sex can often be a very mechanical process, initiated by bodily impulses, whereas making love is impulsed by our connection with a person, sure it’s physical too but it’s driving force is the depth of our connection to another not stimulation of the physical body. And if making love does not reach a climactic conclusion then it doesn’t matter whereas when we’re having sex it becomes all about the grande finale.
“I can be the One who loves me and cares for me tenderly. ” Certainly takes the pressure of expecting and needing the other to preform in a certain way.
“there is no need to search for love or attention from outside and that I can be the One who loves me and cares for me tenderly. ” A beautiful realisation of the love that we already are that is waiting for us to open up to.
“My choices to cherish me”, oh I love the word ‘cherish’ I really do but it’s not a word that gets used very often because it’s not something that most of us do and that’s a crying shame.
The honesty with which you share your journey from making abusive choices to committing to making it about loving yourself and not settling for anything less in relationships is a much needed message for all young people today who are under increasing pressure from the relentlessness of social media etc to be portraying a picture of a perfect life with no attention paid to the cost of doing this.
I hear you Rosie it hadn’t crossed my mind either until I attending Universal Medicine’s presentations that it starts with loving me first, all of me and then from here I know what standards of appreciation and respect that I will accept as being what I am worth. Stark difference from when I was drunk and seeked comfort from a man and at times not even drunk.
How many times do we set out searching for one thing but settle for something much, much less? This really reminds me that our standards in life are everything.
How can we expect something from another that we aren’t giving to ourselves? I have put expectations and needs in the way of developing a truly relationship. With being responsible for my own care and by taking care of my precious body I bring something completely different to a relationship that can be the foundation for making love.
I thought having sex and making love were the same, just different ways of describing a physical get together in bed with intercourse. How much have I learned since then and what I love most is how we can make love any moment of the day by being loving and sharing that with another or others. Just like I experienced this morning with a group of 20 students from The Way of The Livingness singing and expressing from our bodies and letting love in and out: making love in optima forma.
What you learnt is invaluable, life changing, having a big impact on you and how you feel, ‘I can be the One who loves me and cares for me tenderly.
I have been building this love for myself over the last 3 years and at first it was quite strange and foreign. This fact reveals how unloving I really was with myself. I was not aware of how sacred and precious I am.’
Rosie thank you for sharing so honesty about your experiences with sex, its something that needs to be discussed openly and in the matter of fact way as you have because it’s a huge part of adult life. The problem is we mostly don’t know how to care for and love ourselves in sexual relationships, or that there is a difference between sex and making love. You’ve provided so many important markers for men and women to understand by sharing your experiences, the most important being that we can love ourselves and not seek love elsewhere in unhealthy ways. I was also deeply touched by this line “I was not aware of how sacred and precious I am.” That is so true for so many of us and across all parts of life. Thank you Rosie.
The Livingness is so much about us moving in a way that supports the way we Love and making Love does come from our way we live first and foremost as True Love is self perpetuating and as such is forever deepening. So there are no reactions or out moments where we are less Love as being love-less means we did not have The Livingness of Love in our body in the first place and we have simply reinterpreted the word Love to fit our ideals.
The Livingness is so much about us moving in a way that supports the way we Love and making Love does come from our the way we live first and foremost.
Having sex leads us down the dark tunnel of desire and obsession and leads to emptiness in relationships where we seek more or elsewhere. We know that this does not feel right, but we keep going in the effort that things will change.
What a different marker/point you have come to in your life than you have described previously. I am inspired to become more honest on where I have been/are with my relationship with myself and others and how my need for searching for love and settling for sex has been in the past, and where I can now deepen the love within myself to actually be more love and receive it equally so.
Very beautiful Rosie to feel your return to honouring the deeply sacred relationship that is of the greatest love, one we all have access to, our relationship with our essence within. As you have shared, when we develop this relationship we live in far greater honor of our body and being, and this also is what we offer to all we are in a relationship with.
The greatest love affair that any of us can have is with ourselves and there is no end to how deeply we can go.
Thank you Rosie, for you are supporting us feeling that there is a greater way – love.
When I have not been connecting too, walking and loving who I am, I can feel that I look outside myself for recognition and to be filled by another. When I go to relationships in this way there is a neediness and this lessens the quality of connection with another.
Yes, neediness is a killer. We just have to fill our own cup and then share it with all others instead of needing them to fill it for us.
Yes, any form of neediness, recognition, approval etcetera from outside ourselves always feels horrible for both parties, which brings it back to us truly loving and cherishing ourselves.
We think that if we change position, find a new nightdress or toy to play with that our sex life will go through the roof. But the fact is, is we cap the whole thing by never connecting and tenderly cherishing who we are. What I have found is when we do this what flows next can’t help but be super sexy. Thank you Rosie for writing about a topic we all avoid.
I hear you Joseph, there is nothing more sexy than connection because with that, nothing else actually matters.
Beautiful Rosie- to the bottom reaching in its truth.. Finding its way through touching the heart of mankind. Thank you for your expression and lived wisdom here on earth.
Hi Danna, thank you. You know as a child, and even now at times, people react to the amount of truth and expose I bring so I appreciate your loving words. It inspires me to keep on sharing.
The tragic thing is that by giving up on ourselves and settling for sex we are setting ourselves up to be rejected because we have already rejected ourselves. This pattern is being repeated all over the world but it is great that we now have role models showing us that there is another way and that our search for love starts with deeply loving ourselves and developing a tender caring way that would never dream of not honouring the sacred women that we all are at heart.
When you put it like this Helen, it is sad to acknowledge and see how many of us have given up on ourselves and then I think of people who are in relationships or better said, they are in arrangements and they have not only given up on themselves but also on each other but stay together as its cheaper, convenient, they don’t want to be alone or for the children or whatever whatever.
When we start to love ourselves, everything has the possibility of changing, and in the choices that we make, we can evolve or not… It is our choice.
Yes and what I have found is that I actually wasn’t very good at letting love in and expressing love for quite some time as I was in a level of protection that I wasn’t even aware of. It has been great to slowly let the barriers of protection come down.
Today we experienced in workshop with Chris James how letting the love in, let’s all of us expand. So it is not only the expressing to another that is important but receiving is equally important.
Accepting that there is Love in our life is an amazing first step as most of us have lived in the unreal world of having sex based on an emptiness that as you have shared Rosie is at best fleeting. Love on the other hand has so much to offer and scratching the surface of love comes from being self-loving after we have learnt to be at-least gentle with-our-self. Making Love has so much to offer and most disconnect from the True depth of what Love brings to us. And this is only because we are so far away from reaching the depths that True-Love can bring. This is not say we do not search for Love in some way we all do but the lines get blurred until we understand our relationship with True-Love.
Making love can actually be confronting and allowing yourself to be open to more love is avoided I feel in many ways so no wonder you just accept the sex instead of opening yourself up to something so much more.
The endless race of looking for love outside of us is forever exhausting and leaves us in an unloving place, because love never comes with effort and dishonour of ourselves. What you did, Rosie, is very honest and wise, because you stopped that race to feel yourself and re-connect with the love within you. Having role models who show to us what is true self-love and true intimacy is a treasure for us to sustain that process.
Having true role models is a treasure and I often think of all the beautiful people in my life who have inspired me and supported me along the way. I have so much appreciation for their reflection and the ripple effect that they have started that now carries on.
If we are not aware what true love is we will search for sex. As with all things energetic there is no in between, it is either making love or having sex no matter how sensual, eccentric or orgasmic it is. The body is all not parts where the male genitals are used for pleasure instead of all the body to confirm making love. There is remarkable difference and I would rather have no sex than to make love.
Thank you Rosie. What you share is very honest, raw and powerful. This is what should be covered is sex education classes, in fact maybe they should be called love education classes. If we were taught to value ourselves and our bodies without being loaded with ideals and beliefs about sexuality we would have a very different relationship with sex and love making.
Yes, and as a parent, I just love that I have learnt this now… better late than never and I can now share another way with the next generation as we are all role models, so what exactly are we showing them if we settle for less.
School for thought Leonne, and with sexting being so prevalent maybe we could hold Lessons about Love and true gender equality from pre-school?
Interesting that you say pre-school Greg as I was asked the other day if I had had the birds and the bees talk with my daughter and does she understand how it all works etc etc and I was shocked as she is now 14 so yes I have had that talk with her and I realised that I didn’t have one talk, but many over the years from when she was very young. I am appreciating this now, because I never kept love, sex or love making or these topics back from her with the thoughts of she is too young, but rather talked about them as they are a normal part of life. Mind you, her first lessons come to think about it were about dogs and horses having sex and if they could reproduce or not. Great way to learn.
Yes making Love and having sex are ocean’s apart and thank God we can ‘sea’ the difference. And as you have shared nature will always supply what ever is needed.
I agree Leone. It’s only recently that I have looked back at some of the things I did whilst having sex and realised that I did them because I thought that they were part of having sex and not because I actually wanted to do them. It seems crazy now but at the time I never questioned it.
I never really slept around much, but when i did it, it certainly didn’t feel great, even when I was in a relationship the sex was totally disconnected from each other. Now knowing how much this is about just relief and the need to be wanted and accepted and letting go of this by building a true relationship with myself. I too know that I would never go back to sex. Making love is the only way now for me.
The need to be wanted and accepted is strong within us all, but it feels so good when we realise that we have to first bring that love to ourselves before we can expect it from anyone else, and in this, there is a great sense of freedom from not needing something from another.
I love the completeness that loving myself brings, it is vastly different to the gaping hole that not loving myself left.