Before I came to any of the Universal Medicine courses, I slept around and had sex quite regularly, without much consideration for myself. I felt that having sex was just a normal, socially acceptable thing to do. Settling for sex was a way of getting some kind of attention, even if it wasn’t more than “wham bam thank you man”! What I was searching for was love and a loving relationship – but what I settled for was sex.
And it wasn’t even good sex I settled for. All it was is this: “Here I am, let’s get it over and done with because at least I have your attention for a little bit because I know – sooner or later – you will be gone and I will be on my own again”.
Because of my past experiences with being sexually abused and never really dealing with that issue, I never really felt safe and supported by a partner, even if some were doing their best at the time to support me.
More often than not, I would not want to have sex, but I went through with it regardless because it was better than feeling alone or being rejected and because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
I would do so much to not be rejected. I would give up me, and lay myself down so that I would be ‘loved’.
What is crazy is that none of that felt right to me. I knew it didn’t feel right at the time but I did it anyway. I didn’t ever get the ‘love’ I was searching for.
- I didn’t know there was a difference between having Sex and Making Love.
- I didn’t know that I would feel better within myself if I chose to love and care for myself first.
- I didn’t realise that giving my body over to someone else to use for sex was hurting me deeply.
- I was not aware that there was another way.
What I have learned from Universal Medicine, presentations by Serge Benhayon and from other Esoteric practitioners, is that there is no need to search for love or attention from outside and that I can be the One who loves me and cares for me tenderly.
I have been building this love for myself over the last 3 years and at first it was quite strange and foreign. This fact reveals how unloving I really was with myself. I was not aware of how sacred and precious I am.
Now that I love me, there is no way I would just hand my body over to be used for sex; there is no way I would now settle for sex when searching for love. From the role models that I have now, I can see what a true ‘gentleman’ looks and behaves like, and I can see what a loving relationship can be like and all I can say is it is far from what I have ever experienced. It brings me so much joy in seeing that there is indeed another way – a truly loving way. I have not yet experienced this other way, but I am aware that it exists and that is awesome.
By Rosie Bason, Mullumbimby, Australia