The other day I felt really tired towards early evening. And I let myself feel it. I had come back from the Universal Medicine Retreat 2013 in Hoi An, Vietnam a couple of days earlier and had generally been sleeping more than usual and been more willing and able to feel what was actually going on in my body. And here I was, on a Wednesday evening, sometime between 7 and 8pm and I could feel a quite lovely tiredness after my working day. There was no weariness or exhaustion, no stress or duress, just an easygoing tiredness. My body felt warm, it felt like me and it felt right, familiar and quite lovely in its own way. An early night was definitely on the cards.
Nothing much to write home about then – except for one thing: sometime between 8:00 and 8:30 I would have to check my emails again! I was waiting for an answer from interstate that would determine whether I needed to set my alarm or not for early the next morning to work on a couple of texts that had to go out before I went to work.
I did what I usually do as far as my evening routine is concerned, and then back to the laptop – within 20 minutes and a few more emails I found out that there was more to do than I had anticipated and that there were actually three texts, two of which had to be back the following day. So I decided to do the practical thing and set my alarm.
No big deal – until I checked in with my body again: I had already become aware of the fact that the warm tired feeling wasn’t there anymore. All I could feel was that my head had become the most prominent part of me. I also became aware of an anticipatory feeling of being rushed sometime in the future (tomorrow), plus a hint of potential overwhelm and a real pressure around the assumed possibility of not being able to meet these new deadlines. And somewhere lay waiting a whole barrage of thoughts about all the other things I had to do and somehow squeeze into the next day, and subsequent days.
In other words, I wasn’t connected to my body anymore. If I wanted to sleep and sleep well I needed to reconnect. I could feel that these thought processes / emotions were slightly above and ahead of my body like a bank of fog: it felt really strange but it was very real. And it felt cold. It was hard to believe how cold it felt. I had to keep checking: it was definitely cold. And I couldn’t feel the tiredness anymore, just this immaterial and disengaged, cold and somehow empty blur.
I was just about to go to bed, but how could I settle and go to sleep? I knew that my body must still be tired but I couldn’t feel it anymore. It was amazing to observe how my head was running the show and feeding me this weird and unreal state of disembodied, strained and cold alertness. Had I not let myself feel the warm and very real physical tiredness before, I could have easily fooled myself into believing that I wasn’t tired at all.
So I went to bed knowing this was not an evening for catch-up TV or other things. I needed to just get into bed and reconnect – I knew that my body must still be tired, but I had just lost touch with it and the tiredness.
What happened next? I just ever so slightly started feeling my body again; I was also aware of my expectation of meeting that warm and real tiredness again and then… I woke up an hour before my alarm went off the next morning and easily did all I had to do before going to work.
Big deal? Yes, for me it was a big deal – an amazing experience of the truth of my body and the disengaged coldness of an otherwise different choice.
But wait, there is more: I got my friend Katerina to read a draft of this blog and she wanted to know what happened after the semicolon and before I woke up the next morning!?
Well, it was just so simple and straightforward that I am nearly at a loss as to how to describe it. All I know is that I wasn’t telling myself off for having lost the connection and I certainly didn’t try to re-connect. All I did was trust the knowing that my body and the tiredness had to still be there. I just put a few feelers out, felt what I could feel, which was quite subtle, and gave what was there permission to be there. And before I knew it I had fallen asleep. Very simple and oh, so profound.
By Gabriele Conrad, Goonellabah, Australia
900 Comments
If I go into my head trying to get things done in the evenings, overriding the tiredness, then I wake up feeling tired and I struggle in the day. I love honouring my body, going to bed early and waking feeling vital and ready for what the day brings.
Gabriele, what you are sharing is really interesting; if we loose connection with our body then it is easy to not feel the tiredness. Growing up I overrode the tiredness a lot – going out in the evenings until late, having to drink energy drinks to keep me going. Nowadays I allow myself to feel the tiredness and don’t use stimulants to keep me going, it feels very natural and honouring to go to bed when I am tired and not to override this.
Something that I have been observing is the more distracted I am during the day then the more restless my sleep. I can also say, the more connected I am during the day the more restful my sleep. It’s very simple, however for me this is one area that I can do what you did Gabriele and “I’ll just do one more thing before I go to bed”….A sure fire way to be distracted away from the feeling that our body simply is ready to sleep and rest.
I know this one well ‘It was amazing to observe how my head was running the show and feeding me this weird and unreal state of disembodied, strained and cold alertness.’ and am honest enough to feel that over the last few days in my ‘busyness’ I forget about me!!! That is the lie, that because we are ‘busy’ we cannot take time to check in with ourselves and connect, or be/stay connected with ourselves the whole time. This was good for me to read today. Also I loved the fact that after writing this you shared it with a friend and the friend asked exactly what I wanted to know .. what did you do after loosing that connection with yourself to then come back to a connection with yourself. This shows how attention to detail, with everything from our relationship with ourselves to writing is so important.
When we try, I find it has a level of force. When we allow ourselves to feel, there is a level of flow.
Trying is quite forceful ad puts the body and being into contraction and a heightened state of alertness, the exact opposite of surrendering to restorative sleep.
It feels crucial to me that you ‘gave what was there permission to be there’ as this allowed your body to let go and go to sleep without you having to analyse what had happened and the sleep that followed was rejuvenating so you woke up before the alarm and completed what was needed before you left for work without any push and drive.
Any analysis or self critique causes a profound disturbance in the body that makes it impossible to go to sleep; only settlement supports the even deeper settlement and rejuvenation that sleep can provide.
I like this part about giving permission for what is there to simply be there in your body, without a need to change or control it. And how this supported you to settle in to a decent night’s rest.
As you have profoundly shared Gabriele and confirmation of how powerful it is to live in connection to our body. I too have experienced that our bodies are always communicating the truth and our connection to our bodies is what guides us to live honouring this truth as such living the power of who we are.
Our body is the end all and be all and our ultimate guide and faithful servant.
The warmth of our inner-heart is so warm, that we need to also keep our body warm, so that we can express the warmth from within. When we start to build a rhythm that keeps us warm simply by very practical things; such as wearing a warm legging underneath the trousers, we can start to deepen how and in which ways we can keep ourselves warm.
Thank you Gabrielle,
Such profound experience that tells us what happens when we walk, talk and live from our head and when we dont. It is simply there how we feel, all we need to do is connect to ourselves and feel deeper what is going on..
It is our movements that determine the quality of our life, whetherh that be work, family, sleep anything for that matter.
So true Gabriele ‘it is our movements that determine the quality of life…’ but we are not taught this anywhere other than at Universal Medicine. To know that every movement we make contributes to the quality of life we will have is huge, and goes against everything we are taught from very early on, that it is our mind that will offer the most successful life I feel the word ‘quality’ is no longer used in its true context, but in the context you offer here it captures the essence of what movement brings
We are instructed to idolise and worship the mind and its capacity but never are we told why humans do things that they know only too well are not good if not damaging for them and their health, i.e. overeat, drink alcohol, take out their anger on others, insult, swear, biting fingernails. etc. etc. Mind to the rescue one would here rightly advise, based on the high esteem this locus between our ears is held in and these behaviours should immediately cease – but, as we all know,this is far from true and we keep doing what we’ve always done, year in year out. Is it then not obvious that it’s not the mind that rules, the mind is being ruled but pride forbid such insight and wisdom. We’d rather keep doing what we’ve always done, it seems.
Listening to and honouring our bodies is super important, so when we are feeling tired, making time to rest or have an early night as you did, making sure we are still connected to our body.
I love the picture to this blog, it says it all. To be that surrendered in the body to allow a true sleep, that is gorgeous.
I was holding a 4-month-old baby the other day for nearly two hours, listened to their breath and felt the suppleness and ease of the body and how innocently and beautifully we sleep when we are young. The Way of The Livingness is a wonderful support to get back to that ease and surrender.
Walking before going to bed is also a great wind down tool that allows us to deepen in our connection and feel complete in the day so we can rest deeply.
Yes, I have heard this from other people too, I will go for a walk before sleep for a few nights and see how this feels for me.
There is a way of walking that engages the lymphatics and eases us into the winding down rhythm. There is no better way.
One of the problems with ill mental health is that people are not getting a good nights sleep and there is exhaustion in their body, when tired it is easier for us to not be ourselves and fall pray to the energies around us.
Simply listening to our bodies are resting when tired is a huge step towards positive mental health.
It is well worth listening to the intelligence of our whole body rather than running on worries, beliefs or ideals that disregard the whole of who we are.
“And I let myself feel it.” Six simple, but very powerful words, words many of us don’t use often enough. How often are we really tired but don’t let ourselves feel it? Too often, I can honestly say from my own experience. But when I do allow myself to feel the tiredness, feeling how my body is asking to stop and rest, I know how important it is to acknowledge the valuable message it is giving me, for saying yes to stopping and resting is simply an honouring of this very wise vehicle which supports me through each and every day, and night, of my life.
Nothing comes from nothing and therefore, how we move during the day affects how we sleep at night. Poor sleep does not just happen out of the blue and nor is it up to good or bad luck; responsibility and honesty are the important energetic factors in this equation.
So many people have sleeping problems, but few relate it to how they live during the day. When we are connected to our body during the day the chances are we listen more to our body by resting when we need to rest but also the quality of our sleep is much deeper.
I never used to consider it was how I lived during my day that was the reason I often struggled to go to sleep. But coming to this realisation has totally changed the way I am living and if I lay my head on the pillow and sleep is elusive it doesn’t take long to see that I hadn’t stopped any time during the course of the day to see how I was feeling. Taking mini stops during the day to check in with my body has made such a difference to the ease of going to sleep and the subsequent quality of my sleep.
That way, the whole day and its rhythm become a rehearsal and foundation for our sleep and the possibility if not likelihood of it being restorative rather than just a semi-comatose state of utter exhaustion.
When we are complete in our day it is simple to surrender to go into repose and then fall asleep.
How often do we fool ourselves and don’t listen to what our body communicates because we are not present anymore or enough in our body. That is why I could think I was not tired and go to bed too late and do other things my body didn’t like which I thought at that point in time were allright for me to do.
What a beautiful written piece of experience. How much can we learn from this and how much do we effectively know inside out, but struggle to live with ? How great is it to actually come back to a place, in this case your body, and bring yourself back to the connection (love) we come from. How truly wonderful is that?
The messages, the feedback are always there – we are inseparable from it and yet, we turn the other way, ignore and belittle it, pretend it doesn’t exist or doesn’t support, try to destroy and root it out. What do we get out of it?
When we berate ourselves for what we are not doing, we are confirming patterns of behaviour that have been with us since childhood – this I am not good enough and I have to get better. The fact you didn’t go there, you simply clocked that there was a difference in your body and deepened the relationship with what that difference was changed the pattern of behaviour. Very inspiring.
“I also became aware of an anticipatory feeling of being rushed sometime in the future (tomorrow)” I Love this subtle yet powerful realisation. How many of us have this living in our bodies without even clocking it?