Last Christmas I received the most unexpected and miraculous present ever. I was speaking with my Mom, with whom I have had a difficult relationship for many years, particularly the last 3, and I noted a change in me: let me explain a little further.
A few months prior to our Christmas phone call I came to understand how I was holding myself back from accepting and loving my Mom just as she is, with no expectation, no neediness, and no agenda. When I opened up to her without judgment and with true acceptance, not needing her to be a certain way, we had some really great conversations in which we truly connected as we never have before.
So on the aforementioned Christmas day, as we were talking and truly listening deeply to one another in this new way, she shared with me something I never thought I’d hear her say. That she and my step-dad, who both drank 3-4 alcoholic drinks every single day for the past 30+ years, (hard liquor, beer, and wine) had stopped drinking completely – and it was no big deal at all! I was stunned. I was so deeply touched to learn that it was something they chose to do together to improve their health and vitality.
My parents are both losing weight, sleeping better, waking up earlier and have more energy. My Mom is 69 years old and my step-dad is 79. Alcohol has been a part of their daily routine for most of their lives, and now it’s just simply not.
In hearing this most amazing news, I connected with the pain I had felt deep inside for many years upon witnessing how different they both became after having even just one drink. I started weeping tears of joy and relief and humbleness.
The humbleness was because what my Mom shared was a huge lesson for me to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.
This is so huge in my family, and such an amazing healing for me and my partner and for them – for us all together. In one short conversation I was able to let go of years of resentment, hurt, and blame, and truly connect with my Mom again without the intruder named Alcohol. I now feel such deep honor and appreciation for them both in a way that I didn’t allow myself to before, with or without alcohol… The best Christmas present ever!
By Anonymous, USA
This really reminds me of when I drop conditions, needs, expectations and/or judgement it totally blows me away when the other is no longer weighted down by what I am putting on them (the needs etc).
What you have highlighted in your blog anonymous is that we can never judge another person for the way they are choosing to live because we do not know the history of this life or their past live choices. And what I am beginning to understand is that if we hold back love for another we are holding back love for everyone.
You’ve highlighted how beneficial and loving offering people space is for the onlooker, because it can feel devastating seeing the choices people make, particularly if we are unable to feel our natural love for each other.
The power of True reflection should never be underestimated as everyone can feel the quality that is presented.
And reflection is a lasting impression, no matter when people choose to be inspired by it.
Without expectations there’s no pressure to do the changes that we all need to do at some point, as there is acceptance and no judgement about the rhythm each of us has to make their own choices.
A great lesson in loving each other no matter what their choices – as God loves all of us.
Learning to listen to our bodies we would never drink and when we start to understand how much we loose control of our connection then alcohol will becomes a thing of the past just like witch hunts.
Reading this today makes me realise how often I am tempted to give up on someone- not necessarily completely but concerning some aspect of their lives. I am constantly reminding myself to open to more love and hold the other in love and gradually my total acceptance is allowing me more expression, offering the other to come to a deeper level of honesty if they so choose.
Yes Elaine the temptation to give up always seems to be my thoughts that are floating around in the background that can take hold and lead me away from that situation that needs greater love and understanding. Some people are carrying such deep hurts that it is extremely difficult for them to let go as the hurts have become who they are, so that to let go would be to step into a void of uncharted waters. Some people have such ingrained hurts that they cannot let go and to protect their hurts they will attack and ridicule in order to defend what they cannot let go off. These people need huge amounts of love and understanding.
This is really beautiful to accept where someone is at and not have the need for them to be different; ‘When I opened up to her without judgment and with true acceptance, not needing her to be a certain way.’ This feels very freeing for both of you.
It truly is the best present ever when someone returns to themself.
Even those who reject a person for changing will be blessed by their return.
It’s really beautiful what can happen when we get our hurts, reactions, needs and expectations out of the picture.
This is really great to realise and be honest about; ‘I came to understand how I was holding myself back from accepting and loving my Mom just as she is, with no expectation, no neediness, and no agenda.’ I can feel how judgement gets in the way of us connecting with each other and having loving, true relationships.
Judgement of ourselves and others is a corrosive poison that harms so many relationships and thank you for sharing the miracles that can happen when we let go of trying to control others and give them the dignity to make their own choices.
Anonymous, it is really beautiful and inspiring to read this; ‘The humbleness was because what my Mom shared was a huge lesson for me to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of.’ How amazing it would be if we all lived this way – not judging each other and instead holding each other in love and knowing each others potential.
People need to do things in their own way and in their own time, that is how true and lasting change can occur.
To never stop connecting and loving.. allowing space and not imposing our pictures of how we think things should be is the greatest gift and loving thing we can do for ourselves and all our relationships.
It is amazing how so much changes when we just love and are love, lovely to read your sharing, ‘I was holding myself back from accepting and loving my Mom just as she is, with no expectation, no neediness, and no agenda. When I opened up to her without judgment and with true acceptance, not needing her to be a certain way, we had some really great conversations in which we truly connected as we never have before.’
What a valuable lesson this is indeed Anonymous, “…to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.” As you so rightly say, we never know what someone is capable of and equally will never know the reasons why they started a certain behaviour in the first place, so to just accept each other for who they are and their individual choices is the most loving thing we can do.
When we hold no expectations, no neediness, and no agenda our relationships flourish – bring this stuff back in and they go haywire.
I love these words: “never ever doubt what someone is capable of” – sometimes we can get very tunnel visioned when it comes to what we see, especially when it comes to other people’s choices, but it’s amazing to acknowledge that this moment isn’t forever and we have no idea what is possible or what someone might chose the next moment.
All in our own time.
It is very beautiful to watch people that you love make more self loving choices.
I agree it is very lovely to see anyone making more loving choices – it is also very liberating to be free of the need for others to get it with the understanding that everyone will when they are ready!
The last few Christmas’s have been the best I have ever had. It involved very few presents and just a true joy and celebration of the family and friends who we were with. No indulgence just great true and honest conversations deliciously prepared food and sharing time together.
This is so unlike the usual over indulgence in food and alcohol, giving and receiving of often unwanted gifts, and all the rest that constitutes Christmas for so many of us. This time has become much more simple for me over the years too – we really do not need to buy into the pressure and hype even though it is all around us we can do it differently and reap the benefits of little or no stress and much joy and celebration with loved ones.
Many of us have pictures of how we want our parents to be and will not let them off the hook of expectation. We end up being hard on them and having a relationship that is less than loving – a relationship of ‘putting up’ with them. It’s awful to think that we can go our whole lives without truly accepting our parents and understanding why and how they got their own set of beliefs, and in a way waiting for them to change first.
We place these expectations on family instead of accepting them and the situation, we are here to be love, not to judge, ‘to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.’
It is interesting that when we hold onto our hurts we do not allow others to change, instead we hold them to how they have been and this can incarcerate them and us into going back into and repeating old patterns. Healing and learning to let go is an important aspect in relationships.
Awesome and so cool your mum is making changes that truly support her. When we accept each other for how we are, without expectations, no agenda and no neediness it is felt – this then allows them space to truly heal.
Beautiful, hearing what actually a best Christmas present can bring, as this example reveals.. forget all the expensive material gifts, as they fall short when truth is lived.
‘to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.’ To know and trust the power of reflection.
One of the greatest things I took from this blog is just how important it is to never give up on anyone, no matter how negative an experience you have had with that person. Because giving up on them is the same as giving up on ourselves and love itself. We should never leave anyone behind like that since they may need our love and understanding even more after giving up on it themselves.
Building a relationship with those that are close to us will bring a shift in the way we see each other when we hold our divine connection.
The power of reflection… speaks louder than words as it is our movements that magnify the vibration of love for all to see and know that this light is the light of our being. The gift of being the love we are is one that brings light to our everyday living, every day.
It is so important that we do not judge another as we see them in front of us as we do not know what has brought them to this place in their lives at this moment in time. As the saying goes ‘do not judge a book by it’s cover’ and if we do we might be missing out of the wonder that lies inside. So, to take the time to look past the ‘cover’ of the person standing in front of us can be the most valuable experience for all.
If you back yourself and live in a way that is consistently effectively improving your health, vitality and wellbeing, and do not hide the celebration in expression what that feels like, others will feel the change and back themselves too.
When people make loving choices that truly come from them loving themselves more – then this supports them to deepen their relationships around them. As is the case with your parents – and that their choice to do something that supports them allows you to have a more supportive relationship.
nothing is more beautiful than sharing the love you are with another.
When someone we love starts to love and honour themselves more it is a real blessing and joy. It is also great to have no judgement and no expectation that people should be any particular way.
Once we let go of the arrogance that we know what is best for anyone else miracles happen.
Alcohol is an unwanted intruder in so many relationships to the detriment of having open loving interactions. However it never helps to see it as the enemy which is how I viewed it for many years with all the resultant frustration and angry outbursts that only ever provided momentary relief whilst cementing patterns of behaviour even deeper. It is only when we give up the fight that change becomes possible as this offers the other person the possibility of lowering their defences and feeling what is true for them.
It hurts us greatly when someone we love hurts themselves and is not love with themselves or us. Often we don’t ever really stop to feel the full impact of it, but it is there with us and with our interactions with them. Sometimes when the behaviour stops, we get to feel what we have been living with and the impact it’s had.
And imagine if society woke up so much that parents everywhere gave this gift to their children, that they would not hand over to addictive substances, that they would let children see who they truly are every day and every night, that they would choose to be themselves so that children would have the inspiration of transparent parents what a gift.
This is a really beautiful sharing. Everyone really does have the capacity to bring change into their lives, but we do do it in our own timing, whether we are 19 or 79 it matters not and there is no such thing as never too late. For as your parents are experiencing the benefits happen immediately.
It is lovely when we can relate to people without expectations, judgement, needs and agenda – makes a huge difference to them, us, our relationships and well-being. Best Christmas present ever!
One thing that supports with this is to not take things personally and to respect the free-will and timing of others. Nobody in connection to their inner-heart would ever say or do anything harmful so if people are behaving in hurtful or unloving ways then that is because they are already hurt and expressing in disconnection to their true nature.
This is an awesome blog that clearly illustrates we are never too old to change, grow and recommit to living our day to day life in a way that prioritizes our physical health as being vital to our wellbeing.
I can feel what a deep gift that was to you on so many levels. For example, the depth of the conversation you were able to have when your mom shared the love they were bringing to themselves and the potential for further conversations on this level discovering new depths together. It sounds like you were able to connect with each other on a whole different level.
A very poignant sharing. Thank-you Anonymous for all you’ve written here.
It is indeed a great evolutionary point to hold no expectation around our parents and birth families. To not only recognise that each is their own person with their own choices of will as to how they live their lives, but also not need nor demand anything, energetically, from them.
To hold someone in the absoluteness of love, whether they are choosing to hold themselves and/or us in the same or not, is the key. We have so much to learn and appreciate about the dropping of judgement, of need, of expectation, and yes, that which Love truly is (which contains none of the attitudes previously stated).
Beautiful. The best present we can give ourselves and others is to not have something. And this allows love to fill the space.
Wow it is amazing what happens when you allow someone the space and time to feel that life doesn’t need to be such a struggle. The willingness to explore another way of living is not easy and it challenges everything you once did, the fact that it is then easy is just confirmation that it is our perception of change being difficult that often gets in the way.
You describe alcohol as an intruder, I can definitely relate to that, once consumed it seems to stand between two people polluting the connection. Alcohol has become such a normalised crutch in society, it would be easy to lose touch with how great life can feel without it
Thank you Anon for a truly beautiful sharing, to have your parents back after so many years in the fog of alcohol is indeed a miracle worth celebrating, no alcohol needed. I feel your tears of joy.
Anonymous, this is very beautiful and a great life lesson, ‘to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.’ thank you for sharing this.
Alcohol the intruder… What a graphic and simple description of something that invades so many billions of people’s lives…a Destructive presence that is literally invited in like some science-fiction horror movie, into people’s homes, always taking its toll.
Alcohol is an ugly intruder and yet so many people see it as their friend.