Last Christmas I received the most unexpected and miraculous present ever. I was speaking with my Mom, with whom I have had a difficult relationship for many years, particularly the last 3, and I noted a change in me: let me explain a little further.
A few months prior to our Christmas phone call I came to understand how I was holding myself back from accepting and loving my Mom just as she is, with no expectation, no neediness, and no agenda. When I opened up to her without judgment and with true acceptance, not needing her to be a certain way, we had some really great conversations in which we truly connected as we never have before.
So on the aforementioned Christmas day, as we were talking and truly listening deeply to one another in this new way, she shared with me something I never thought I’d hear her say. That she and my step-dad, who both drank 3-4 alcoholic drinks every single day for the past 30+ years, (hard liquor, beer, and wine) had stopped drinking completely – and it was no big deal at all! I was stunned. I was so deeply touched to learn that it was something they chose to do together to improve their health and vitality.
My parents are both losing weight, sleeping better, waking up earlier and have more energy. My Mom is 69 years old and my step-dad is 79. Alcohol has been a part of their daily routine for most of their lives, and now it’s just simply not.
In hearing this most amazing news, I connected with the pain I had felt deep inside for many years upon witnessing how different they both became after having even just one drink. I started weeping tears of joy and relief and humbleness.
The humbleness was because what my Mom shared was a huge lesson for me to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.
This is so huge in my family, and such an amazing healing for me and my partner and for them – for us all together. In one short conversation I was able to let go of years of resentment, hurt, and blame, and truly connect with my Mom again without the intruder named Alcohol. I now feel such deep honor and appreciation for them both in a way that I didn’t allow myself to before, with or without alcohol… The best Christmas present ever!
By Anonymous, USA
495 Comments
It is amazing to feel people as their essence instead of focusing on our issues with them. I did not allow this with my father and on his passing I was devastated to feel how I had made a focus of issues instead of just accepting and feeling his very sweet tender essence. My choice my learning. It is deeply inspiring to hear the changes your parents have bought about and also how deeply affected most of us are by things we take as normal, i.e. drinking. it is so common place to drink around children now at their kids parties, it certainly wasn’t like that as I was growing up.
I love this article – to drop our expectations of others and then wwoooooow who knows what is possible. LOVE IT.
It’s so true Natalie, I can’t help but smile a huge smile reading your words. When we drop those expectations of others who knows what might happen …. that’s when the magic really starts as there is nothing getting in the way.
“My parents are both losing weight, sleeping better, waking up earlier and have more energy. My Mom is 69 years old and my step-dad is 79. Alcohol has been a part of their daily routine for most of their lives, and now it’s just simply not” – this is totally miraculous, and shows that no matter what age, it is always possible to choose things that support your health, and choose to change your relationships
That is amazing and I couldn’t of read this at a better time, a message to say just come out of your shell and be love, for and towards yourself and others. Best Christmas present indeed! Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your awesome Christmas present, Anonymous. I know I would much rather get understanding and true connection with another person over a pair of socks, any year!
This is such a beautiful sharing and best present ever ! such a testment to how we can all change and choose a more healthy life when inspired by others lovingly.
Thank you for sharing this story and inspiring it truly is.
What an awesome story. So great to be able to share it, and so healing for all who read it. Lovely. You are so right about not blaming or assuming and when we stop and look around there are so many similar miracles to this happening everyday.
A great reminder Phill, miracles that happen all around us – all the time. We just need to open our eyes (and hearts) to see them.
David, that made me smile, as it’s so true.
This is just so beautiful. I know from personal experience how it works the other way as well. My mother hardly ever drank but I was addicted so that when I visited I could feel myself slipping away from her with every glass of whiskey that I drank as the alcohol took effect – and it was awful and I knew it and couldn’t stop myself. Only in the latter days of her life had I stopped the alcohol and so was able to truly connect to her and spend an evening truly sharing. But it’s only now that I can feel the pain she must have felt as you did with your Mum – something I’d buried until reading your story.
Wow Michael, what an honest and open comment showing just how willing we can be to take responsibility for ourselves. Thank you
Thank you for sharing this with us all. Letting go of another but yet loving them completely is the greatest gift we can give anyone, as it allows them the space to come to what is right for them without judgement. I am witnessing the beauty of this, but also have been treated this way myself. Then all one can feel is another’s love and in that we are less likely to keep fighting. Perhaps by letting go of what you wanted from your Mom supported your parents to feel Love and gave them the space they needed to make a healthy decision for themselves.
This is gorgeous Shevon: “letting go of another but yet loving them completely is the greatest gift we can give anyone, as it allows them the space to come to what is right for them without judgement”.
This is truly lovely in the way that you had already accepted your Mom as she was before she made the decision to stop drinking. Yes a huge learning for us all not to give up on anyone, or blame and judge anyone – ever.
Absolutely Rebecca, if we give up on someone do we not also give up on ourselves at some level?
I love this comment Judy, this feels so true.
Judy, I feel we do give up on ourselves somewhere for us to give up on others.
“.. to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes” What a powerful and inspirational blog, thank you for sharing this. I have given up on people, judging them for their choices and thinking that certain things would never change. More and more i am learning the huge impact it has on my relationships if i make the choice to let people be, to let them make their choices and to bring understanding into the relationship. Understanding is a biggie and i am learning about it every day. Having a deep understanding for all those wonderful people around me allows me to stay open, love them fully and to realize that i am not responsible for their choices and how they live. I just have to connect and love, that’s my job, so to speak….
I agree Mariette, understanding is a biggie because understanding brings allowing and acceptance of people and their choices and where they are at which allows us to stay open and love them any way. I love how you make it super simple; ‘I just have to connect and love, that’s my job…
I agree Mariette, understanding is a biggie for me too, ‘Having a deep understanding for all those wonderful people around me allows me to stay open, love them fully and to realize that i am not responsible for their choices and how they live. I just have to connect and love, that’s my job, so to speak…’ Beautifully, beautifully expressed.
Great point Mariette, just connecting and loving and not taking on another person’s choice or judging them for the way they choose to live, is the job. I too have judged others and been very critical, but have come to realise that that behaviour actually does even more harm. Learning to focus on myself and my own livingness has created space for me to let go of all my expectations and allow people their own choices. It has made me much more enjoyable company and enabled me to love my family with an open heart.
A beautiful and touching blog and itself a ‘Christmas Present’! It was truly healing to hear you speak of the way you approached your mother without judgement and with acceptance and how this opened up your relationship.
It is so healing when we begin this process of letting go of the past and our hurts which are so attached to any association with that person. I know that I blamed my mother for my choices in life, and once I began to open up to the idea that maybe I was part of this insidious cycle of blame and hurt it allowed me to see my mother as she truly was – a really gorgeous woman who was so full of life and love and tenderness that was truly her when we allowed ourselves the time to really meet one another.
My mother has now been dead for seven years and I am so grateful to have had that opportunity to heal our relationship before she died. I can now fully appreciate all that she was as a woman.
Dear Anonymous, this is an amazing sharing. I love the part about the lesson to never give up on anyone nor judge anyone, a big lesson of humbleness indeed.
Gorgeous to read this article and so refreshing to learn that it is indeed possible to change the ‘habits of a lifetime’ . I love this sentence ….’In one short conversation I was able to let go of years of resentment, hurt, and blame, and truly connect with my Mom again without the intruder named Alcohol’….
What a gift to share with us on Christmas Day. The joy in this blog is palpable and the commitment to accepting others as they are, is a reminder to me that true love has no judgement.
‘True love has no judgement,’ – beautifully said and a key to everything I and everyone else could ever wish to experience in life, both with ourselves and in our relationships with each other.
Yes very true Judith, it is what we all long for, a moment when we are completely loved just for who we are and all the judgements and criticisms fall away. What a glorious gift to give one another and what an art to live everyday.
So true Judy. A timely reminder as families gather together over the Christmas festivities to never judge or give up on anyone. Miracles do happen as has been shared in this touching blog.
Absolutely Judy. Love has no judgment. I am feeling this more and more everyday. Just Love.
What a beautiful sharing and an amazing turn around for your parents, very inspiring never to give up on anyone as change is possible at anytime.
“The humbleness was because what my Mom shared was a huge lesson for me to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.” I am learning this lesson too! It has been very easy for me to judge others and to give up and say that they will never change, but you have shown through your blog just what is possible. To keep the connection and love even if the choice another is making wouldn’t be your choice and to allow others in their own time to make choices that are right for them.
This is such a powerful message you bring anonymous , that no matter what others choices have been, no matter their behaviors because of those choices, that people have huge potential for change… thus your beautiful lesson: ‘not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone make’. Awesome.
Thank you Anonymous for sharing your experience with us. It is very inspiring to read how your parents have given up drinking after all of those years and you got to feel the impact of their drinking.
What we have walked away from is always patiently waiting for us to return…no mater how long it takes to return to our true self.
Great point Steve, we can never walk away from life since it is waiting for us to show us that life is about love, that asks us to have true relations, that helps us to make true choices, that helps us in our way of return to whom we truly are.
Yes Nico, we cannot escape the lessons that life keeps on offering us, we will always be brought back to the opportunity to choose Love, again and again until it becomes our only choice and we find our path home and realise who we truly are.
Very true Nico. Life comes to us if we keep saying yes to more love. The situations, the people, the experiences that can come our way offer us such an opportunity to evolve and return to who we are. Or if we prefer the struggle we can resist, deny and dismiss all that the universe has coordinated to support us in our return.
What you have said here Vicky is deeply beautiful. The universal support that is forever holding us is immense and energetically precise, operating from an intelligence way beyond anything conceivable to the linear mind all based on the law of love.
Similarly I grew up in a household where a few drinks each day were entirely normal. Just recently a member of the family was taken seriously ill, and while they have recovered, they have taken the opportunity to reduce the amount they are drinking (as well as giving up smoking after nearly 50 years)… its also made quite a difference to our relationship.
What I particularly liked about the blog was the encouragement and reminder never to give up on people, to stop any judgement or blame that I am putting out. Its only by staying in a relationship that I can offer a reflection, and perhaps witness and enjoy the changes that come to pass as we naturally unfold.
I am finding this out also Simon. The more I stay open in my relationships, hold steady and offer a reflection of another way of living but without having the agenda to try and convert/convince someone else to change, the freer everyone is to make their own choices. This isn’t always easy but the more I am working on it, the more natural it is becoming.
Thank you Anonymous this is such a powerful article. The power of love never ceases to inspire and how glorious a present indeed to hear that both your parents made a decision for themselves to oust “the intruder named Alcohol”. It is quite amazing that when we relinquish alcohol our health blossoms and we feel great, which is true evidence of just how harmful it is, even one drink.
A beautiful sharing of your experience. Thank you.
This is such an amazing article anonymous, I loved reading, ‘The humbleness was because what my Mom shared was a huge lesson for me to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.’ This is very inspiring for me, as I know that there are people that I have given up on and have been judgmental of and your article really supports me to feel this, thank you.
Wow, that is so beautiful. Such a powerful lesson and reminder to us all to never give up on anyone.
This blog, anonymous is not only an amazingly powerful reminder never to give up on anyone but also a huge reminder that it does not matter how long ago a hurt is, it is possible “to let go of years of resentment, hurt, and blame” if one is only open and willing.
I love your comment Jonathan, and what I also love is every time I read “never give up on anyone’ as it is so true.
I love what you and this blog has shared Jonathan is a great reminder to never give up on anyone, ever. Couple that with our openness that no matter how ancient and familiar our resentments, hurts are, and our need to blame is, it is always possible to let them go if we so choose. As we all realise this fact the world we have created that is dysfunctional and loveless in so many ways will change.
This is truly beautiful and very inspiring. Thank you for sharing.
This is lovely. A confirmation that when we heal ourselves, it’s possible to heal and transform relationships with others. Yours is a great testimony of the importance of accepting people as they are, which I have found comes from my own self acceptance.
Dear Anonymous, it is such a beautiful present reading your comment on christmas morning ! Alcohol is indeed such an intruder and poisons conversations, behaviours and relationships. I have noticed it so many times, when, at a dinner party, I am sitting next to a person who drinks, it is impossible to connect to them after 1 glass of whine – the person “disappears”.
This truly is a stupendous Christmas present and one graciously accepted. Nice one anonymous!
I love the joy you feel at seeing two people you love making a great choice but without a big fuss, and that in your late 60s and 70s your parents are demonstrating that rather than giving up on life it is possible to make choices to live more vital lives. This is truly inspiring and was supported by you in your deepening relationship with your mother. Lovely. Thank you for sharing.
I agree with all that you have said. This is such an inspiring blog on so many levels.
I too have no doubt that your deepening relationship with your mother has supported their no longer drinking alcohol. It shows me anything is possible, giving up things, or rather returning to being more loving with ourselves (myself,) doesn’t have to be arduous! Awesome!
Thank you Michelle that sums up how I felt reading it as well – so simple and no big deal – yet life changing.
Thanks, Michelle. That is what I love about when we let go of something for real – things change quite dramatically but at the same time it is not a big fuss. It’s like things just naturally correct themselves back to a truer way of being.
What a great sharing and a testament also to the changes you have made in yourself. It is incredible then how this changes our relationship with others particularly family where we can hold the most hurts.”..to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes”. Beautiful – thank you Anonymous.
Julie I couldn’t agree more, ” to not give up on anyone ever” . I am realising more and more, and honouring the fact of never giving up on a relationship and it feels amazing, no matter who it is, the choices they make, but to always hold them in understanding and love.
It is so nice to be able to connect with people when there is no alcohol interfering, that is so true…
I have this experience too Alexandre, it is totally different when you are able to connect to people and especially family when there is no alcohol interfering. Conversations are much more real and honest, and the possibility is there to deepen the relationship further.
Jaqmcfadden I so love your comment and what you have shared especially “it is totally different when you are able to connect to people and especially family when there is no alcohol interfering. ” it just made me smile because I know this to be true and it feels amazing.
Gyl, you made me smile reading your comment, it does feel amazing and you feel amazing…
I agree, alcohol is such an interference and disruption, not only to the relationship, but to the people themselves. It is a disruption to your soul, your thought processes and the way that you feel.
Dear Anonymous, what you have shared is awesome. It shows the power and beauty of the true human heart, and as you say, is a heads-up to drop all our judgements of everyone else based on their choices, no matter how we feel about them. What a wonderful future we are all bringing to ourselves together as one Humanity.
Dianne what you say really struck out at me “the power and beauty of the true human heart” , it’s so easily forgotten the power of our heart. It is about just allowing our hearts to be open and letting go of judgements. Then the magic will take place, by allowing others to make their own choices in what ever they do.
Dianne what you say really struck out at me” the power and beauty of the true human heart” , it’s so easily forgotten the power of our heart. It is about just allowing our hearts to be open and letting go of judgements. Then the magic will take place, by allowing others to make their own choices in what ever they do.
How beautifully expressed Dianne, ‘the power and beauty of the true human heart’.
I love what you say about this allowing you the realisation to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes. This is a beautiful reminder as Christmas day and family get-togethers approach, thank you.
Yes it is revelatory how much our judgement of other people gets in the way of an open relationship.
Death and chronic illness are other great examples of this. How we drop all the other ‘stuff’ the hurts and past occurrences and just allow ourselves to be the very simple loving people that we naturally are.
That’s a great point Michelle, we are willing to let go of all those issues we make such a big deal about as soon as we get a big wake up call with illness, accidents or realise that we might lose someone, which just goes to show that we are capable of being this way, and that we are choosing not to.
I agree, Laura. This gives us an opportunity to be honest about what we are still holding onto that gets in the way of true relationship. It is a shame that sometimes it takes a big wake up call to bring out the love that has been there all along. This is something for us all to deeply consider in our own lives, so as not to leave things unresolved until disaster strikes.
All so true Michelle, Laura and Janet. We have the ability to see who we really are at any time and not keep the hurts so close that they block this out. When all I see are my hurts then I act like I need to constantly protect myself. It only takes an instant to be the loving person I am naturally and see that in others.’
Isn’t it a case of taking relationships for granted when everything appears to be going well, and when disaster strikes we feel guilty that we weren’t more loving or understanding in the first place.
Ohhhh yes, the whole story of I will only love/accept you if you are like the picture I have in my mind of how I would like/need you to be. It is such a receipe for resentment and lack of honesty in relationships.
Absolutely spot on Joel, we all have these pictures in our minds of how we would like a relationship to be, and also a picture of how we think WE should behave in a relationship too in living up to someone else’s expectations. Having these pictures in our heads causes stress when our wishes and hidden agendas are not fulfilled. Why do we find it so difficult in relationships to be honest and remain true to ourselves, it’s like you say ‘a recipe for disaster’ that always ends in resentment.
What you share is so true Michelle, judgement cripples the potential growth of any relationship immediately.
What a great lesson you have offered us here “to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes”. How amazing and light would all relationships be if we held true to this. Thank you for sharing your story.
This is such a powerful reminder – one I certainly needed after returning from my last family Christmas gathering – I did feel like giving up on almost everyone and to see it is my own judgement at play is sobering- “to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes”- these words are gold. Thankyou.
This is beautiful, Anonymous, and a great lesson for all of us – to never give up on someone and honour that each and every one of us has the potential to turn our lives around if we open up to love again. And also what a difference it makes when we let go of our hurts and judgements of each other.
Yes this is so true. People often blow my socks off with how unexpectedly amazing they can be.
Yes I agree Karin people can be so wise and amazing in the most unexpected ways or situations – its awesome.
Yes Janet, I can feel for myself how giving up anyone holds me and another from what we all yearn for ~ to be loved and to love which opens the door for honesty and letting go and letting more love in! I loved the point you make here.
Bernadette, I just wanted to reflect on those two words “giving up” and it feels to me like a deep well of regret, disappointment and sadness lurking in there. I remember hearing from a very wise man a while back that if one reflects/emanates an expression of ‘giving up on someone’, or ‘dismissiveness’ that portrayal may also hold the same harmful energy as the one does who is choosing drug abuse or alcoholism as an expression.
So true Bernadette, and what I have realised over the years is that I have invested in people getting things or doing things the way I feel best instead of loving them just the way they are. When I am invested in an outcome I get disappointed if it doesn’t go my way and then give up on them. What an awful way to live!
Through Universal Medicine I have found that me living a loving life and sharing that with others is what counts – not them getting it.
I agree Janet, every one of us has the potential to turn our lives around if we choose. For me, it has been a revelation that I need not give up on myself, saying no to the doubts that creep in, that try to keep me from realising my own potential is a choice, and a choice that everyone can make. Letting go of the judgements towards myself allows me to love others without judgement.
Anonymous, this is a wonderful Christmas message, to let go of all of our expectations of our family. I have had the experience of people close to me who, over a period of some months, having each individually and separately (and for different reasons, somewhat related to health) just comment as an aside to me that they no longer drink. Yes, it was a gift to me who in this case had not made any remarks to them regarding their drinking, but they still had their own realisation of what drink was doing to them. Now I realise what a gift that was and the lesson I have received in me not giving up on anyone but just to let go of any trying to help anyone and be ME all the time and just be loving.
This blog is probably the best Christmas present ever. Thank you so much anonymous for sharing, I cried so many tears reading this as I felt the hurt, sadness, judgement, expectations and needs I hold around people, family especially, to be a certain way instead of accepting them as they are. As I write that I can’t help but smile and laugh and feel so much love. It’s made me realise how controlling and judgmental I can be with people or situations because I have not been willing to open up to them. I also felt to share, I too have had that experience of meeting someone close to me without the impact of alcohol and there was such a humbleness and gentleness in that moment and them, I could feel who they really were and it was such a blessing.
What a lovely comment Gyl, I can relate to what you say, realising that I too have been judgemental with my family and have had expectations of them, and then holding back my love because MY needs have not been met. Beginning to let go of expectations and judgements of my family has allowed them to just be themselves, and not feel judged, and released me from trying to be something that I am not, and this feels liberating and allows for a stronger foundation of love in my relationships with my family.
it is such a blessing to be able to let that go!
Beautifully shared Mary – I can totally relate to everything you have expressed.
What a great blog – what I could really relate to and especially appreciate, was the beautiful reminder to always keep connecting to people regardless of their choices. It doesn’t mean that all behaviours are acceptable and / or that there aren’t consequences to our choices, however the true essence of people and who they are never changes, and this is what is so important to connect to – all year round, and not only at Christmas.
Great comment Angela. Our behaviour can change, our true essence never does,
I agree Angela – and so many people say they love the holiday spirit and the friendly festivities that go on – but if we enjoy it so much why do we not keep it up all year round?
You have a good point there Rebecca. We have so many festivities nowadays, always something to ‘look forward’ to or ‘plan for’. And once the festivities are over people go back to their normal routine and often feel flat. Could it be that we are connecting to an event on the outside of us and not to our essence on the inside? If this were true, then we wouldn’t need the stimulation and excitement of an ‘event’, and every day would be a joy to live, just for the sake of it.
Angela what a beautiful comment. It’s so important to connect to people and see beyond their choices. For me this can be tricky at times if I do not like seeing certain choices reflected back to me . But, in dealing with this, I remember to connect to my essence so as to heal whatever is getting in the way.
I completely agree Angela
Perfectly said Angela – sums up everything I felt whilst reading this gorgeous blog and could not have expressed if better myself! Thank you.
I agree Angela its all about people and connection all year round.
Exactly Paul, what if we were to use Christmas as an opportunity to deepen our connections with people even further, and then continue to develop that throughout the year – now that would be a gift that keeps on giving 😉