Lately I’ve allowed myself the grace of honesty to take a look at the games I play with people. I’m referring to the unspoken energetic games that play-out in sneaky ways and that I play dumb to. The level of honesty it has taken for me to expose this within myself is quite a feat, and playing dumb and pretending I don’t know what I am doing is still quite strong within me.
How is the game played? It’s hard to describe, but I’ll give it a go… it is when I try to manipulate my interactions with another so that others do not see the real, full and gorgeous me, keeping the other person at bay.
Instead of allowing what is there between us, I try to control the interaction, to limit my level of connection with another, keeping it superficial and dimming the potential that is there between us. I try to direct the way things go, or so I think, not allowing the person to get to know me on a deeper level. This means that what does play-out is not necessarily true.
The effect of all of this is that my connections with people are less than what they could be – I keep myself in separation to others and my interactions lack truth.
I cannot let another in, in full, or really at all, when I am playing a game such as this, and that’s the whole point – to build a wall that supposedly keeps me safe from being hurt but really in-truth, it’s a wall I have built to hide behind. By adding an element of what is not true and loving to the relationship, the connection that I have with others, and even myself, becomes corrupted with complication.
It is impossible for another to hurt me, I can only hurt myself – and I do this either by having expectations on another person to be a certain way and then I get hurt when they do not perform to my standards, but mostly because I don’t let others in, keeping myself shut off from love.
I want to let people in, to allow intimacy and to let my love out – but none of this is possible while I am playing these games.
The truth is, I’m tired of these games and through this exhaustion I have realised that I can step out at any time. That is, I started them and so equally, I can finish them. It is a simple choice but one I cannot make unless I am incredibly honest with myself. It is this level of honesty that is new to me, and that Serge Benhayon has inspired me to get to, but I am finding that the more I live it, the more I love it – far more than the games I have played.
By Nikki McKee, company director, Goonellabah, NSW, Australia
Further Reading:
Building intimacy in your relationships
Relationship games – fear of losing love
True Family
696 Comments
“I want to let people in, to allow intimacy and to let my love out – but none of this is possible while I am playing these games.” So true Nikki. Learning to become more open and transparent is enabling me to clock when I start to play these games – and make new choices.
Nikki, there is so much in this article to ponder on, thank you for sharing.
Nikki, this is super interesting and I love that it stops us blaming others and instead allows us to take responsibility; ‘It is impossible for another to hurt me, I can only hurt myself – and I do this either by having expectations on another person to be a certain way and then I get hurt when they do not perform to my standards, but mostly because I don’t let others in, keeping myself shut off from love.’
Are we prepared to observe our life, and be honest about everything, including our relationship with self has to be honest? ‘I am incredibly honest with myself. It is this level of honesty that is new to me, and that Serge Benhayon has inspired me to get to, but I am finding that the more I live it, the more I love it – far more than the games I have played.’
Nikki, its great to be honest about this and rather than blame others for not loving us, to actually look at whether we are open or in protection from past hurts and so not allowing love in.
Every expectation I have on another to carry out what is my standard way of being I ask to be hurt; it is therefore me that chooses to get hurt and not another hurting me through me expecting another to behave in a way that I think they should behave… I do not have a right to control another to live their life.
Getting honest with where we are at, and being willing to see our games is such an eye opener and leads to a deeper connection with us, and with all others – it’s the foundation for true relationships.
It’s so incredibly easy to play games, I catch myself frequently in that I’m measuring or gauging what I should say or do, or how much to go for something with someone, it’s all calculated in our minds rather than led from our hearts and what is truly right for us, the other person and that situation.
We have created many ways to keep ourselves hidden and not allow people to truly see who we are but this causes much pain and misery, so it is really not worth it to hide who we are.
I agree, it is time to let our love out, and to let love in, and say no to the games, ‘I want to let people in, to allow intimacy and to let my love out – but none of this is possible while I am playing these games.’
When we indulge in game playing we are in effect dishonouring who we ourselves truly are and also dishonouring of who another truly is.
When we play games with each other our interactions are not authentic, in the sense they lack the genuine quality of who we truly are.
‘It is impossible for another to hurt me, I can only hurt myself’ – the same is true I feel for any emotion- we get angry, annoyed, anxious or sad, but it’s not the other person who ‘makes us’ feel like this, but how we choose to respond to a person or situation. It might not feel like a choice because often it’s so automatic and we’re all human, but we can look at why we got triggered and allowed in an energy that isn’t us into our bodies. We all feel stuff, of course, and can then choose to stay in it, or feel it and let it go.
It is only in honesty and openness in our relationships (with ourselves and others) that we really grow or learn. And I am more and more aware of how mad it is to avoid or resist this in any way.
It is pretty crazy to avoid being who we are and hide our gorgeous essence. By being open and honest this will support us to be more ourselves and more confident to let the world see who we are.
We say so much with no words…our movements can cause major disharmony and harm, and we can fool ourselves that we are in control of life when we play around with other people…but in truth we are the puppet. Anything that is not sincere and truthful, is chosen from reaction and that is being lead by our hurts, holding people at arms length, not our Love. I know because I may have walked this path of playing games and it goes nowhere, but pain, choosing honesty and responsibility, well that makes for meaningful relationships.
Exposing the lies we live is simple but getting to understand why we are so addicted to them is a different story. Could it be the recognition we get from the lies is an addiction that comes from being previously performing for eons so we have had life-time of lies that seem normal and thus the addiction?
In order to construct a well-equipped fortress, one must know exactly what it is they are trying to keep out. This ‘master architect’ that lives within us all is none other than the human spirit – a fragment of light that has separated from a far grander body of light that is our Soul, the place where our true self resides. The journey of the spirit back to the love it has fragmented from is one that requires absolute honesty, bucket loads of humility as well as a willingness to take responsibility for the steps we have taken that have walked us away from such majesty.
The games I have played all my life to keep others at a distance have led to me feeling isolated and unsupported and it has been incredible to discover that the key to turning this around is in my own hands. As I explore the honesty required to do this it has been revealing to see where I am still resistant to building intimacy with another by being truly transparent.
I agree with everything you say, Helen. And realise on an ongoing basis that the more open and transparent I am, the richer and more amazing all my relationships are… it feels like an endless well of potential and learning.
“Lately, I’ve allowed myself the grace of honesty to take a look at the games I play with people. I’m referring to the unspoken energetic games that play-out in sneaky ways and that I play dumb to.” – yes the energetic game is the biggest form of communication and which precedes all else, and yet we favour the written or spoken form of communication the most because of its audibility and visualness. We are doing ourselves the greatest disservice in correspondence [communication] when we don’t consider the energy factor first.
Oh how we can create mass confusion and negativity, really crazy that we do this when we are made of love and truly want love, shows us there is much more to play than we want to admit.
Learning to live the love we are offers the opportunity to feel the equal love in another.
‘The more I live it, the more I love it’. Thank you, Nikki. Being honest about the wall of protection being a cold and separate place to be and that breaking it down, or coming out from behind it, brings us literally into the warmth and potential of true relationships and all the learning and growing that is on offer.
Hurt is a mere chess piece on the game of irresponsibility we play. It blinds us from not only the manipulation we play but also if not more significantly the granderness of who we truly are.
Feeling hurt or fear of being hurt can stops us from expressing who we are. So, once we start healing our hurts we discover that our hurts are not who we are and we do not have to be owned by them.
The power of observation is huge, we have an ability to connect and read the instance of what is going on and why. We can become aware of how we move and what effect it has on our body.. The more we connect to our body and our stillness (our still place within, our inner-heart), the more we are able to see and observe what is going on. We need to detach from the raciness that goes on in and around to actually start feeling what is going on, then our observation starts.
I experience since I started to be more honest I get more awareness and insights of where I play games that are not loving at all, the manipulation, the hiding, the delay in being the love that I am and can connect to when I choose to no longer fool myself and others.
The more I deepen my honesty with myself the more I realise how we are all so so good at playing the game of being small that we have convinced ourselves that this is all there is when there is in truth so much more.
This is something I have been aware of more and more it is like any subtle energy regarding playing any sort of game just has no room anymore. Pretty cool.
Loving the honesty that you bring here Nikki. Exposing the self-protective games is deeply healing and rather than keeping ourselves firmly locked away from love and in separation from others, it is possible to live with joy, emanating from the glorious essence we are in truth.
A wall or facade that stop us from being and expressing truly who we are actually hurts more than any rejection.
We may attract attention to ourselves and get others to engage when we play games, but it will never satisfy the true intimacy that we are craving.
It is so true Nikki, as this has also been my experience, that the more honesty we are willing to live for ourselves the more we deepen a true relationship and connection with love and as such naturally bring this openness to all the relationships we share with others. And in all honesty, it feels amazing and so much more real when we are open in this way of being with ourselves and others, as we then are open to learning and exploring the joy of evolving and how we can live with greater love in our lives.
I noticed sometime ago a game I was playing to keep myself hidden, when asked how was I ? I would answer in a mono syllable like good or fine then ask immediately how were they – I found asking questions would keep me safe and hidden while they were answering, it worked especially well with people who loved talking about themselves. As I am coming to realise what I have to say matters I am stepping up to becoming more responsible in sharing what I am feeling, learning to be more honest with myself and then others.
Yes I too have hidden in this way many times but am learning to value that my contribution also matters and it is to the detriment of all when I hold back.
If there is no truth in our interactions then we are not in true relationships, and will not ever really be satisfied or fulfilled in them, because they lack or are empty of us, who in essence are love.
We all play endless games, endless pictures… Imagine a world where we were just clear and true in our expression.
We keep thinking we are winning when our body shows these games we indulge in come at a ghastly toll.
Great sharing Nikki. It is very very very important we are absolutely honest with ourselves about what we are choosing and playing ball with in life. Otherwise we foul ourselves and end up living a lie.
Leaning to trust another through intimacy can be as overwhelming as we are so conditioned to prevent ourselves from being hurt but in the long run we remain in the cycle that allows no reflection for another.
Isn’t it interesting how coldly calculating a person can be in their attempts to keep people away and thus to keep love out. And this shows to me how there must be such a huge depth and well of love there to be expressed for so much force to be used as an opposition to what is already such a natural expression – the open exchange of loving intentions.
Getting honest about the games we play is like fresh air it brings us clarity and space to open up to what is true and valuable.
Many years ago I had a friend who prided herself on playing ‘mind games’ with our flatmates who were all males. I never actually saw the point of it as it just upset the guys. Until I read this blog, I never saw it as a way to keep people out but what I do know is that the behaviour does cause mistrust.