It’s taken me a long time to understand how to take responsibility for myself, to be a true man in the true sense. Looking back, I was – choice by choice – numbing, selling out and destroying myself in the process of ‘living’ from boy to ‘man’.
As a boy going into my teens it was all about the constant harassing of girls to get them to kiss us. A gang of twelve year olds would bully the females in our year group to give us attention. The pack, which I was too afraid to stand up to, tormented girls who were attractive and those who were not – the attractive girls were harassed sexually, those less attractive were humiliated, bullied and persecuted because of looks, clothes. These devastating behaviours were considered normal for us as boys: it was just what we did.
DRUNK, DRUGS & DISORDERLY
Mid–teens, it became about getting so drunk at a ‘day party’ while my parents were at work that I vomited all over their bed, whilst the other rooms in the house were filled with school-aged peers getting drunk and disorderly in the name of fun and cool ‘adult behaviour’. This was perfectly acceptable to those on the adult threshold. This is how we grew up. It was ‘normal’.
By my late teens I was subscribing to the lie that drugs were less harmful than alcohol, yet I was using both. I was once taken to hospital because the images that I was seeing, after abusing pints of lager and numerous bongs, were so fear-inducing I could not handle the space I was occupying. Known as ‘a big night’ that went off track, it was perfectly acceptable to my college peers and we all joked and laughed about it for days afterwards until someone else’s night went off track… letting me off the proverbial ‘piss-taking’ hook.
My twenties were all about music and ecstasy: a Class A drug that took you completely away from reality. It was perfectly acceptable to work all week and then go out on the weekend and ‘lose it’ in the name of music and hedonism… everything was accepted as long as the experience was ‘far out, man’.
SELF ANNIHILATING
By my thirties it had shifted again and with more money came ‘seemingly’ more power. Large amounts of cash earned ended up in fine wine, restaurants, the cocaine dealer’s hands and while the scenery had shifted, the activity was the same. In the end I felt trapped. Responsibility was calling and the question was how much longer was I going to avoid it? There was no joy in that struggle, no love, no care for me or for others, just a self-annihilating existence that grew bleaker and bleaker.
How is it possible that the natural, tender, beautiful boy I was born, turned into anything but that?
Screaming at the world through behaviour that was effectively saying: “I do not want any part in feeling this world”, devastated at being told by the world every step of the way: you cannot stay that joyful, loving, deeply caring boy – you have to choose/exist ‘this’ way.
RESPONSIBILITY & TRUE FREEDOM
I discovered there was another, gentler way to be a man, and that I could make lasting changes to my life simply by making different choices. I struggled with self-doubt and it took me a long time to overcome my resistance to making choices that would support (not destroy) me – I could feel this self-worth stuff coming up. Over time, I began taking true responsibility in what I chose for myself through:
- absolutely claiming that the relationship I had with me was loveless,
- making the choice to take care of myself in gentleness,
- knowing that I deserved more, that I deserved love.
Although there were many times when I just wanted someone else to do it for me – someone to pick me up and dust me off when the momentum of my self-harming choices would come crashing in and tear everything apart – I kept taking responsibility.
Now, the old days of living a life that seemed ‘free’ have been well and truly surpassed by a truly free life, where my only responsibility as a man is simply about living lovingly in my day with me.
My relationships feel warmer and more honest: no roles to play, no job to ‘wear’ and no lies to ‘live’ in.
From the choice to BE all of me, without perfection or critique, my way of life has become responsible and this is where freedom truly lies. Now, it is a joy to be me – the true man I am.
By Lee Green, Awesome Man, Perth
601 Comments
Lee I feel that once we can be honest enough with ourselves and claim that we actually do not love ourselves and have no idea how to be loving with ourselves or others as it’s such an alien concept to us. Then we can start to heal and deal with the self worth issues and all the other issues we bash ourselves up with that our minds feed us as a constant backdrop of negativity. These all come up to be looked at and dealt with and this can be done when we learn how to be gentle with ourselves which builds the foundations to loving ourselves. It is an amazing journey to take and one I highly recommend to anyone who feels there must be more to life than trying to obliterate it.
“My relationships feel warmer and more honest: no roles to play, no job to ‘wear’ and no lies to ‘live’ in” Going through a leadership contest at present here in the UK for the position of Prime minister I would love politicians to want and have relationships that were honest and they had no lies to ‘live’ in”.
The choice to live and be who we truly are is always calling.
We have all seemingly sold out as you say Lee by numbing, selling out and destroying ourselves in the process of ‘living’ from boy to man or from girl to woman the innocence we are born with is crushed. We grow up thinking we are living a ‘free’ life when energetically we are bound and gagged by a force that we cannot see that has us believe that the ‘Free’ life is all there is when actually it is anything but free and we have totally sold out to this unseen energy.
Mary I agree that the energy that we have sold out to is indeed unseen but it is felt, it is felt by us all and although we can say that we can’t feel it, the truth is we can because feeling energy is something that we’re all doing all of the time. So there are choices being made all of the time, it’s just that it doesn’t suit us to admit it, it’s suits us much better to say that we are unaware. And so on we go choosing to align to an energetic source that will not and can not deliver us to truth. And this is fine, it just means that things will continue to intensify , which they will and it’s going to get like a pressure cooker down here on Earth for us all. But we need that, we need things to intensify before we’re prepared to take a look (more than just a peek) at our part in what’s going on.
When we don’t deal with the root cause as to why we drink and take drugs in the first place we will always look to other vices to hide our hurts.
I did so much SELF ANNIHILATING when I was younger, and I can see the same traits in far too many teenagers around me.
This trend and behaviour has to stop it is literally killing us.
When we become aware that we deserve more, more love in our life we make a call for it to happen; how it then unfolds is taken one step at a time.
It is very sad and devastating hearing about such loveless and abusive behaviours that occurred for you Lee, and still do today in the name of being identified as part of a gang/group, or having a “fun” night out with the boys, at the expensive of others. How could this possibly be seen as normal and acceptable behaviour?
This article is tragic and sad for what it shows in your life, and even more so for the fact that so many young men today are still growing up in this kind of environment with no one there role-modelling that there is a different way, a way of choice and freedom from the long lasting damaging affects of drug and alcohol abuse.
A slippery slope and where does it end, is what I see with teenage alcohol and drug taking. As you said Lee, it’s all so ‘normal’ everyone is doing it and if you’re not then you have to put up with the backlash of stepping away from the norm. The peer pressure can be very obvious or completely subtle and teens think they are calling the shots, it’s something that they want to do. But, by taking responsibility we see our hand in it all and what we are really getting out of it. Thanks for your absolute honesty and openness. So gorgeous to read of your return.
It is sad to see how through our disconnection to who we naturally are within, our behaviours become more and more wayward, abusive and self-destructive as we enter a vicious cycle which we seek to sustain as it offers us a false sense of identification and a relief from the tension of the truth of the unsettlement we continually feel. We become trapped in living at the mercy of the world around us and for identification and relief, all the while feeling lost. A dismal representation of what ‘normal’ is. You share so beautifully how all this can be turned around and we can live the power of who we are, simply by connecting back to the inner qualities within us, honouring the love we are and being our true selves.
You describe a veritable prison, one of drugs, alcohol and seduction – how can we ever think that this is normal?