Fatherhood for me began 22 years ago at the age of 33. Our first child, a beauty-full daughter, was born at home on a Wednesday around 8:30pm. At the time I could feel that this was a divine moment, one that I would never have experienced without choosing to have children.
I clearly remember how completely hopeless I felt when the midwives and nurses left our house – I had never taken care of a baby before in my life. That night I had to change her nappy and I felt how fragile and helpless she was; and I felt my own uncertainty about what to do.
From that night on I also began to identify myself with my new role of ‘father’, but failed to feel what the true meaning of this was for me. Instead, I just did what I felt was expected of me to qualify as a ‘good father’. As our child grew up I tried to form and guide her to suit my ideals of what I felt I needed to make of her.
When I write it like that now I feel how arrogant it was of me, wanting to mould a child to my ideals and beliefs and not let them grow up in their true nature. Is this what we are actually doing when we parent, in contrast to providing a loving connection where a child will be met and seen for who they truly are?
An interesting set of questions now arises:
Where did these ideals and beliefs about being ‘a good father’ come from?
Is it possible they are provided by society (family and friends, school, TV, magazines, books, health professionals, etc), and that I chose to adopt them to be a ‘good father’? I was not consciously aware of the fact that I was using ideals and beliefs at all, let alone considering that they could have been ‘delivered’ to me.
What did I choose from the package of fatherhood ‘pictures’ which were presented to me?
Did I look for a certain type of fatherhood picture I was familiar with or did I select some on purpose, because they suited me the best, in order to not be confronted with the responsibility that comes with feeling and making my own choices?
Why was I looking for a fatherhood picture in the first place?
Could it be that I was looking for recognition and acceptance for being a good father, instead of trusting the love and wisdom within me to be my guide?
Given all of this, was it then possible that:
Everything in society is set up for me to doubt myself and ‘believe’ what I am told, instead of trusting what I know and feel deep inside?
Although I was not aware of it at the time, in my uncertainty of how to be a father I followed a fatherhood picture, taking on ideals and beliefs like…
- As the parent I have to mould my child to make them ‘valuable for society’. If I do not, the child will be lost to society.
- I will be the provider and carer for everything my children need; I will be always there for them.
- I am the parent, therefore superior to the child, the subordinate.
- I have to support them in all that they do, even if it is something I don’t agree with.
- My children are perfect; my children do not behave badly.
- They must have the same ambitions in life as I have.
- I will be the perfect father for my children, they will not want for anything and I will show that to the world.
- I have to be proud of them.
- My children have to listen to me because I am their father.
- I will have an “I know what is good for you” attitude, and so on.
But this makes me wonder:
If all these fatherhood ideals and beliefs are not me, because I have taken them on from outside of me, what then is the real me and the real father in me?
The answer for me has been to slowly unravel all my fatherhood pictures, to become aware of them and discard them, one by one. Through this discarding of what is not me I am becoming more true, more who I really am – which is much, much more than just being a ‘good father’!
This now reflects in my deepening connection with my children – a connection that is based on a true equalness, and a deep trust in myself and in what I feel.
I would like to thank Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, whose presentations have inspired me to become a truer father.
By Nico van Haastrecht, father of three, Warnsveld, the Netherlands
403 Comments
While not a biological parent I do take on a parenting role in my job. It feels imposing and narrowing when I try and get the person to follow what I want from them and much more open expansive when I allow them to make their own choices free of me judging said choice. I am there to offer support but not to carry them or tell them how to live life.
Living in a way that brings in the responsibility, so that our lived choices become a reflection for everyone, and this amazing reflection is for all and this is what you have shared Nico, we do not just bring this to our family as everyone feels what we live.
So many pictures we all have are exposed by the latest Robin Hood movie produced by Otto Bathurst. So maybe we all should take a look at where all these ideals and beliefs come from? Was it not the catholic church who would incarcerate or eliminate those who were against the earth being flat!
We are never too old to learn something and change our behavior. Even if our children are adults now we still can change our way of being with each other.
‘Everything in society is set up for me to doubt myself and ‘believe’ what I am told, instead of trusting what I know and feel deep inside?’
So true and this is how we all have been raised, so to offer anything else to our children, that they know it all and are already everything is a big shift for all of us, that will cause a big ripple effect.
I love your honesty Nico, I have two children and as a mother role model I can relate to everything you’ve shared. I too took on many ideals and beliefs on how to parent and the best thing I did was let them go and parent from my heart. I don’t always get this right but my children always help guide me too in how to parent. We are a beautiful team working together to learn and grow.
This opening up to chose for our heart as our guide instead of the taken on ideals and beliefs makes us become equal to all others so too to our children for we in this life are their parents.
A great question to ask as a parent, father, or mother, these ideals and beliefs can creep in under the radar, ‘If all these fatherhood ideals and beliefs are not me, because I have taken them on from outside of me, what then is the real me and the real father in me?’
The photo that goes with this blog is so beautiful for so many reasons, but I love the light that appears around the heart of the father, it truly represents what you are sharing Nico, that true fathering comes from the heart of the man, the essence of who he is.
Yes, the photo at the start of this blog is really beautiful and captures the joy in all, with the light around the heart of the father being representative of what Nico is sharing as you say Melinda, ‘true fathering comes from the heart of the man’.
It’s a beautiful read Nico and so very true for parents, of wanting to be a good mother or father but going deeper into the beliefs and ideals, and the pictures we hold of that, instead of trusting how we feel. We are not really met in our essence ourselves as we grow up so we take that same way into our parenting and life in general, trying to be something instead of realising there is an amazing treasure within ourselves, our essence, and relying on that to supports us to know the way to be in all parts of life.
Nico this is absolutely beautiful, how gorgeous you have let go of all those heavy beliefs of what it means to be a father, we are always so much more then the roles we can fall for.
Yes Sam, life is beautiful when we just can be ourselves and live from our essence. While my mind thinks this is so unimportant and not worth a dime and therefore likes to strive to be something, to play a role in life, our bodies do know better as it is its nature to just live with that essence which will give all the fulfilment so to say what our mind ever would need to have or strives for.
Thanks Nico. It’s really brave to question and decide discarding those pictures that have ended configuring our identifications in life. It requires to say no to the comfort that they offer to us as well as say yes to an honest and deep indagation about what really guides our life. Then we can free ourselves of any external imposition and be able to rely in the true confidence that offers to us the fact of being ourselves wherever we are.
In a way you can call it brave to enter the journey to discard all the pictures we do hold about how life should be. As the many people we share these pictures with do possibly not like the exposure that this bring to how they have chosen their lives to be and from a protection will react to you.
Thank you Nico for opening up the discussion around what pictures of ideals are and how they can manipulate and control us in to behaving in ways that are not necessarily our true expressions.
It is brilliant to talk about this and expose how harmful some of our ideals and beliefs can be because they restrict us from being ourselves and dulls down our expression and puts the pressure on us to perform instead of living with a deep connection to truth and love.
I am now to a point that I feel that it is ridiculous to even think that you can make your child to become to any picture you hold as parent. As when I look back to when my children where young and I was still in the illusion that this was the role of a parent, a father and to my grown up children now, I can only say that they unfold themselves into the beautiful people they are and always have been. In that they only needed my support to help them to find their way in life but above all, just to love them for the beautiful people they are.
There is alot of judgment and gossip around parenting creates a fear of getting it wrong and a separation from actually finding support. Instead we try to control more and more, squeeze our children into smaller and smaller boxes of what it looks like to be accepted and then wonder why we have the rates of mental health concerns we do. We have to tip our boxes out and be prepared to look afresh and how we approach parenting for the health of our next generations.
Indeed Lucy, we can change the world every day, and a great way to do that is in parenting, to present a different and other way of life for the next generation to build on and with that slowly make the changes that are so needed in our relationships and society as a whole.
“As the parent I have to mould my child to make them ‘valuable for society’.” Oh me oh my! How often are we tied to thinking we need to get our children to fit in because that is what has kept us safe and accepted for most of our lives, only to find we will with unease and unrest out normal? I am really struck by the opportunity to parent in a way that offers responsibility and accountability as life skills as opposed to moulding kids into a shape that they were never meant to be.
When we parent from ideals and beliefs we impose on our children and so often they react negatively to feeling controlled. Thank you for sharing how you were able to let go of the pictures you had around being a father and thus free yourself up to build ‘a connection that is based on a true equalness, and a deep trust in myself and in what I feel.’
If we are unaware of all the advice, images, ideals and beliefs that are shared with us form many angles, we think we have made our own choice of how to go from there but in truth we never connected with our inner heart where the true guidance in life resides, the only guide that will give us the answers and the freedom of choice that comes with it.
The consciousness of ‘doing’ which we are placing on our children is huge; a game we are playing with ourselves in avoidance of claiming and living who we truly are.
There really is so many strong pictures around the role of being a father. In recent years I was observing a father who was naturally very nurturing and played a huge role in raising his children. I remember observing this and seeing it as very different to what I had seen and I remember thinking- ‘he is doing a lot of the mother’s role’ it was very exposing of the images that I hold about the roles of mothers and fathers and the imposition this has.
The good is sold on the mass marker in helping us to heal the world but often it is masked in doing rather than the quality of being.
Loved reading this as it reminds me to examine what ideals and beliefs I am running with in my own life.
Same here Leonne, I have a huge list which I am letting them go one by one and feeling lighter and more myself each time I am willing to discard what doesn’t support me to be me.
I am certainly very fortunate you have chosen to be a truer man and father Nico as today I am blessed with having the inspiring tenderness and care you exemplify through your whole life as your son in law.
You certainly highlight the destructive force behind ideals and beliefs, and how they alludes us into thinking we have no sense of knowing what is needed, or of who we are and what we are actually capable of knowing. As you have discovered and so beautifully shared, our lived connection to who we are is precisely all that is needed to guide and support children to grow up knowing who they are and learn how to live the power of this connection through the lives they live.
Sure Carola, we do not need any book, or well intended advice from others as from our inner connection we do know what is best for us to be in any situation. And reflecting this quality of inner connection in parenting brings a complete different dimension to what parenting can be and bring to us.
It is far too easy to get caught in the wrong and right of parenting. I observe as a parent how much of my time with other parents is spent comparing our children – who did what when. It is actually exhausting and just feeds the culture of ‘getting it right’. Serge Benhayon delivers us a true way of parenting. A way of responding and not getting in the way and treating our children as equals. It is simply beautiful.
Braking down the boarders we place around our-self everyone gets a reflection that is inspiring, so thank you Nico. When we fit into the realm of pleasing others with age-old patterns that constrict us into a narrow belief system, this has never served, so when an article like this is shared it is so enlightening.
‘Could it be that I was looking for recognition and acceptance for being a good father, instead of trusting the love and wisdom within me to be my guide?’ A very open and honest question to ask and I agree everything in society is set up to not follow what we feel is true, by you discarding the ideals and believes you, we had as parents we open up to more wisdom to come through around parenting, about being a father and mother in the true sense of the word and about the purpose of raising a child reflecting they are already everything they need to be, equal to us.
The inspiration you offer for all parents is one that exposes rules or regulations about what it means to be a great parent, and replaces it with the knowing that regardless of our role, parent or child, all relationships can be founded in love.
What a beautiful open and insightful sharing of what it means to be a “father” what it entails that is false and what actually a true fathering energy is.
This quote is a beautiful sum up of truth:
“This now reflects in my deepening connection with my children – a connection that is based on a true equalness, and a deep trust in myself and in what I feel.”
We are in a mess if we have to discard what is not true to bring out the true self. Every time I am mistreated I take full responsibility to the best of my ability why I was in this position. It is super rewarding to commit to this level of honesty, and it keeps me on track back to the path of my truth.
You could apply this to anything – what makes me a great teacher is when I’m connected, I’m switched on, I’m committed, super joyful, authentic and not trying to be anything or anyone other than who I am.
It is great that you share all of this because these things are so there but never really spoken about. I know that my Dad felt he had to be like this and many men I know have also felt the same- like they need to fill a role- great to start to open the discussion on this.