When I became a father, I felt being a wise and dedicated dad was the best type of father to be for my sons. I didn’t consider just being me was an option.
I grew up with a ‘wise dad’; he was pretty handy and could fix most things. He had a deep perception about life and was always there to offer advice. He’s not perfect of course, he has his own insecurities, blind spots and quirky character traits like the rest of us, but his love and dedication to his children is unquestioned.
As I the wise and dedicated dad, I,
- took up the role of breadwinner
- was there if something needed to be fixed around the house
- was on the committee of the kids’ primary school
- was dropping them off to various activities
- would tell them made up stories at bed time
- was happy to share little ‘factoids’ about life and give them advice.
But in truth, I was missing the most important element of fatherhood… just being me…
You see, being the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ means that to be useful I had to have something to do, something to fix, some advice to give. This means at some level I was always looking for the problems, always looking for what was broken and not working.
My need to be the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ actually meant that I was not being ME with my sons, which is what they really want and enjoy (well, daggy Dad jokes aside).
The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.
These are the times:
- when we sit around the dinner table and just chat about our days
- when I allow myself to deeply see the beautiful men my sons are becoming
- I spend time with them, without needing to show them anything, but just hang out.
As my two sons move through their teenager years and they start making their own choices, I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something.
As I see these feelings in them, I see and feel the same feelings within me from my own childhood and what it is like to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them. Of course as I look deeper, I see what my Dad’s father was like and I can get the sense of this lineage of ‘wise and dedicated dads’, all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves.
What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.
The process of undoing the harm that was caused by growing up with and becoming a ‘wise and dedicated dad’ is still ongoing and I have to dodge the part of me that still wants to make it about ‘doing’ stuff to fix it, rather than just being me with my dad or my kids, regardless of what we do.
Inspired by the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine
By Joel Levin, Western Australia
647 Comments
This is a really interesting conversation to be having with everyone as why is it we avoid being just who we are warm hearted, gorgeous people? Why have we promulgated such a society built on false ideals and beliefs which we have accepted over the natural beauty that we could so easily be?
Life sets us up and we swallow the illusion, that is until we are wise enough to let go of these harmful beliefs and instead follow the inner heart.
Everyday I appreciate my dad more and more and everyday the love grows stronger even though he is no longer on this plane of life he is so very much with me.
I carried a grudge against my Dad for years, never truly appreciating all that he brought, now however this has completely changed I love him more than ever and dealing with my own hurts has enabled me to see him for the absolute star he is.
Anonymous I haven’t quite let go of the grudge against my father but I can understand that we are the product of our upbringing and so he probably had a tough time too as we are all very sensitive when we are born into the world around us and this gets crushed generation after generation. I detest the way we are brought up and then raise our own children because the crushing process just repeats itself and nothing seemingly changes. But there is a wind of change there is another way to live so at last it really does feel as though there is a different choice we can make. We don’t have to crush our sensitivity or that of our children.
‘I felt being a wise and dedicated dad was the best type of father to be for my sons. I didn’t consider just being me was an option.’ Interesting how we feel simply being ourselves isn’t good enough and yet when we connect to our children as ourselves that is all they want. They feel our essence, they know it and the joy it gives them to be met in the purity of it is confirmation enough that we don’t need to be perfect, just ourselves.
So true Joel, we almost have to throw out the baby and the bath water as our ideals and believes around raising a family is so indoctrinated in creating a division from our way of giving and never simply being a Livingness from our essences.
We and others miss out when our focus is on what we can do. I know I have lived for the longest time and still today (however decreasing) not appreciating what my presence without doing anything can bring. Just being ourselves is amazing in how much care and connection can be felt and others do pick up on it.
Leigh Matson what you say is true most of us are caught up in the ‘doing’ its a treadmill that keeps us locked away from just allowing ourselves to be and knowing that is enough. This is something I’m working on myself.
When we drop the dedication and the ‘doing’ we can feel the deeper wisdom and love of just being who we are.
Taking care for another doesn’t mean to ‘do things’ for them, but being present, available, taking care for ourselves first to be ready to share this connection with others. Then, our care is not imposing or an opportunity of escaping from ourselves, but a true, intimate and nourishing encounter full of love.
Amparo Lorente Chafer I agree what we all crave is to be truly met for all the delicate beauty that we are, if we can learn to truly love ourselves then we can pass this on to all others as it is such a precious gift to allow true love to flow between us.
It has been such a relief to let go of the need to fix anything for my daughter and just enjoy spending time together as her pregnancy progresses and I feel much freer to allow my future grandchild to just be without imposing my wisdom or solutions on them.
It is an imposition, isn’t it when we are playing a role for another person as it communicates there is an expectation or a labelling – you are less and I need to be this for you; exhausting for all concerned. When we are just ourselves we are leaving more space to simply be the love we are and in this love we give the other permission to be themselves too, naturally so.
When we have any kind of need or picture of who or what we think we need to be, it disconnects us from the possibility of deeper relationships – with ourselves and others. It’s the honesty in accepting and embracing 100% where we’re at right now, that helps us deepen and connect more – instead of trying to leap ahead to where we’re not.
It is a set up that wants to take us away from who we truly are, make it about what we do, and know, rather than just being ourselves, loving ourselves as we are and bringing that to everything we do.
When we choose to just be we allow relationships to unfold without preconceptions about where they are headed.
Being ourselves is enough, it keeps life simple, ‘The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.’
It is sad when we are not available to others and that only happens because we are firstly not available to ourselves and that is devastating. There is nothing more gorgeous than truly meeting ourselves and thereby everyone else 🙂
Who teaches parents just that? That parents should first be themselves? But what is that ‘be themselves’? When society bombards men what it should be like to be a dad? Images and believes that are far from the truth, the truth that a dad just has to be connected with his heart to know what to do and what to say, and just be themselves.