When I became a father, I felt being a wise and dedicated dad was the best type of father to be for my sons. I didn’t consider just being me was an option.
I grew up with a ‘wise dad’; he was pretty handy and could fix most things. He had a deep perception about life and was always there to offer advice. He’s not perfect of course, he has his own insecurities, blind spots and quirky character traits like the rest of us, but his love and dedication to his children is unquestioned.
As I the wise and dedicated dad, I,
- took up the role of breadwinner
- was there if something needed to be fixed around the house
- was on the committee of the kids’ primary school
- was dropping them off to various activities
- would tell them made up stories at bed time
- was happy to share little ‘factoids’ about life and give them advice.
But in truth, I was missing the most important element of fatherhood… just being me…
You see, being the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ means that to be useful I had to have something to do, something to fix, some advice to give. This means at some level I was always looking for the problems, always looking for what was broken and not working.
My need to be the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ actually meant that I was not being ME with my sons, which is what they really want and enjoy (well, daggy Dad jokes aside).
The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.
These are the times:
- when we sit around the dinner table and just chat about our days
- when I allow myself to deeply see the beautiful men my sons are becoming
- I spend time with them, without needing to show them anything, but just hang out.
As my two sons move through their teenager years and they start making their own choices, I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something.
As I see these feelings in them, I see and feel the same feelings within me from my own childhood and what it is like to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them. Of course as I look deeper, I see what my Dad’s father was like and I can get the sense of this lineage of ‘wise and dedicated dads’, all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves.
What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.
The process of undoing the harm that was caused by growing up with and becoming a ‘wise and dedicated dad’ is still ongoing and I have to dodge the part of me that still wants to make it about ‘doing’ stuff to fix it, rather than just being me with my dad or my kids, regardless of what we do.
Inspired by the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine
By Joel Levin, Western Australia
647 Comments
Great blog Joel. I can totally relate to this as a father myself – confusing dedication, knowledge and doing things as being loving. It’s true we can hide behind these roles as fathers and fool ourselves we are ticking all the boxes. But having the real ‘quality time’ with the people we live with only comes from not playing a role and just being ourselves. I still get fooled by the being a ‘responsible parent’ game whilst conveniently forgetting perhaps to actually take the ultimate responsibility – that is to be all of me in all my relationships.
Joel, this a a great example about how we have made life about doing. I know I have felt my worth was based on what I had done or achieved. It has taken a while for me to accept that just being me is enough. It’s still something I am working on. It’s lovely to know you are now spending time with your sons just being you. They now get to feel from you that its OK to just be themselves.
Great Joel, Another example of all we need to do is be ourselves. I was a “good “dad making everything work, and it was exhausting. With support from Serge Benhayon and the Esoteric Practitioners, i have started to just be me in all parts of my life. That is the way to truly inspire children to just be themselves: parenting by example works and is not exhausting.
Beautiful and honest piece of writing Joel, and the wisdom you share. I loved: ‘ all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves’. I can relate to what you have shared I fell into the same ‘doing’ instead of just being myself with my own children when they were growing up. Us adults mostly forget our children carry their own wisdom, so there is nothing to do but just be myself.
Agreed, Jacqueline. Why do we take on the role of ‘the one who knows’ and has all the answers, when our children have their own wisdom? It is dishonouring to them and puts so much pressure on ourselves, rather than being open to exploring what is true together as a family.
Here, here, jacqmcfadden04! Us adults do mostly forget our children carry their own wisdom! When my son was younger there were times when he managed to stop me in my tracks and get me to listen, to feel and to hear what he was trying to communicate to me. Those times were few and far between as I rushed around in the busy-ness of life but I always found that when I did stop long enough and became still enough to truly be with my son and consider what he was communicating to me in his own little way, in the end it always made sense and the flow of life was, for that short while, more harmonious. Through the teachings of Serge Benhayon I have come to know that those harmonious moments do not have to be fleeting or few and far between, that they can become a way of life if one chooses it to be so, and that it all starts with me just being myself. My true self.
Loved what you shared Brigitte, and so true. My children had a hard time stopping me in my tracks, as i was always on the go, rushing around everywhere. My father called me the ‘road runner’! I can feel how frustrating that must be for our children not to be heard or given the space for them to express, and harmful at the same time. If we give our children the space to express their wisdom, grace is two-fold, in that not only do we truly meet them, but they support us, as parents, to be our true selves. Thank you Brigitte. Because it is through them expressing that we can truly connect to them and meet them.
In recent years I have committed to the quality of my beingness when I am with my son and the quality of his being has developed and deepened to the point that I am in absolute awe of the depth of his beauty.
Joel, this article is a must read for all the ‘wise & dedicated mums’ too…so relevant for us all.
And yes how easy it is to believe that the ‘doing’ is more important than the ‘being’. We start as kids knowing its about the ‘being’ first and feeling our way, then jump on the bandwagon of ‘doing’ to fit in, and then one day we wake up & come to our senses and spend the rest of our life undoing the ‘doing’ to get back to just simply ‘being’ our natural lovely selves…
Joel. I enjoyed reading your blog. As a father I try and do what I think is right for our children as they grow up. Sometimes we get it right, and other times it can go pear shaped. Children are wise souls, and they will tell us what is good for them and what is not. Just give them all the love and care you can as they grow. They will always appreciate what you have done for them in life.
Thank you Joel for this is beautiful, heartfelt, poignant blog.
This pain of having either one or both parents ‘unavailable to’ us as children, is something that has carried on through generations as the what we ‘do’ rather than ‘being’ who we are. We know there is so much more somewhere and the external focus of looking for love outside of ourselves continues until we realise this.
“I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something”. How lovely it is you are addressing this now for not only your sons, but for all to appreciate.
This is profound Joel and I can identify similar ‘lineages’ on me too, even not being a father myself. How interesting is it that we use a ‘seemingly’ responsibility to avoid taking true responsibility for being who we truly are.
Wow this is great Joel – I never had thought of how it could be ‘harming’ to have experienced a ‘wise and dedicated dad’, all that we are told as ‘unacceptable’ by society is the ‘not caring’ dad, and the wise and dedicated ‘version’ is actually idealised. But that’s all it is – a version of a role, when what you have presented is that if you are playing a role with your sons/daughters then it isn’t actually the real you.
I may not be a father (or a man for that matter) but I can really relate to what you have shared.
How could I have been taught to parent any other way when that was your role model? I love how there is no judgement here just a case of not having known otherwise. Now you do you can change all of that and that other way can be seen by others to also see that there is more than one way to life.
Joel this is a beautiful reminder for all men that as fathers we don’t need to become a ‘super – dad’ who can make or fix anything and who knows everything, but simply be there for them and allow them to see and feel our tenderness and fragility
Lovely Peter. What a beautiful reflection for our kids with Dads just being there for their kids and allowing fragility and tenderness to be seen and felt.
A powerful reflection Peter indeed: ‘simply be there for them and allow them to see and feel our tenderness and fragility’. So very needed to reflect this true way, a true role model for males not only in our families, in society too.
Dear Joel this is beautiful and deeply touching thank you. I love your words of dedication, that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place. So wise and true. This is so important as it sheds light on and breaks down the misconceptions and beliefs we take on about parenting and all the harm this causes under the light of being the best parent to our children which we all try to be. It is Serge Benhayon who is inspiring me and so many others what true love, true parenting and true relationships are by his own reflection. Thank you.
Thank you Joel for this deeply inspiring and clearly loving account of your relationship with your sons. I can relate to this need to do and although very slowly I have been working on letting go of the drive to achieve, I can still allow it to take over. What your blog has so beautifully described is that being ourselves is all that is required and it is a reminder, as Serge Benhayon has presented for many, many years that choosing ourselves and connecting to who we truly are is the key. In essence “Be Love” (Serge Benhayon), as you are so beautifully being.
Thank you for sharing Joel, I can relate to what you are saying and I have always felt the need to be doing something to prove myself rather than knowing that simply being me is more than enough. It is not about what we do, or what we know but who we are and how we are with others that I feel is important.
‘It is not about what we do, or what we know but who we are and how we are with others that I feel is important.’ – Very well said James, and we all have our part to play in showing and reflecting to others this wisdom.
Beatifully said James, how we naturally are with others and ourselves is so important, rather than constantly relying on what we do and what we know to provide us with a safe image to hide behind.
Thank you James, I can feel myself in your words “I have always felt the need to be doing something to prove myself rather than knowing that simply being me is more than enough.” and a true healing to read them and feel the truth and simplicity in your words. Simply being me is more than enough – how amazing would it be if every child grew up knowing this truth.
This is a great article Joel, I can feel the pressures that the world puts on Mums and Dads to have all the answers and to always do the right thing, and yet to just be yourself with no ideal of what that is, shows us how simple it can be.
It is true Amina, these pressures can be found for Mums and Dad to do anything but be themselves.
I agree Amina, the pressure on mums and dads the world over is enormous and wanting to “get it right” for our children coupled with not wanting to make the same mistakes our parents did. Perhaps the only thing that needs to change, as you have so eloquently shared in your blog Joel, is that we need to let go of ideals and beliefs of what parenting is and just be ourselves.
Great realisation Amina, there is so much pressure placed on Mums or Dads to have all the right answers and do it a certain way. It also made me realise how much pressure is placed upon us in many different roles we have created in society, be it at work, in relationships etc. when really all we have to do is be ourselves.
So true Amina, that is the set up, when we see other Mum’s and Dad’s rushing around doing things for their children, we may feel we have to do this too, yet all children want, is for parents to be them selves and be there for them without all the rushing and doing.
I completely agree Amina, as a teenager I can definitely relate to the pressures mums and dads have of bringing up the child correctly and the pressure to make their kids happy.
Beautiful Joel. So many Dads go through life believing that they have to ‘do’ something to be a good Dad. What pressure this puts them under to ‘perform’ as a Dad. How wonderful that you have seen this in your own behaviour and have shared your uncovering and understanding of it. You shine the light for a new way forward and create the possibility for yourself and others of sharing true relationships in the future.
And reading your comment I realised that we often respond to this pressure by expecting so much of our fathers and other people. Amazing how ‘taking the pressure’ off has a knock on effect.
Very true Michelle. How many expectations did we have of our own fathers which were impossible for them to live up to…? And underneath all that all we truly wanted was Love. How refreshing and welcome it would be to communicate all of this in our relationships, dropping the expectations and accepting ourselves and each other simply as human beings who want to connect.
Hi Joel,
thank you so much for sharing this. My whole life as a father (30 years) I was unsure what a father should be and stumbled through various approaches and tried to fix myself into a role image. I learnt in the last years: only holding myself and my sons in love, is building foundation in our relationship, in their life and in mine. Better late than never.
… and it´s a great and gorgeous feeling.
That is so beautiful to hear Michael, that even when your sons are grown up, you have been able to let go of the ideals and images of being the perfect Dad and just hold your sons and yourself in Love. It is a great and gorgeous feeling and it is NEVER to late to bring Love into the family by just being ourselves.
Thank you, Michael. ‘Better late than never’ indeed. Nobody ever teaches you how to be a parent, and if you are disconnected to your own love, you will turn to ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ in order to do the best job you can as a parent, looking outside of yourself for the answers. I can relate to the ‘gorgeous feeling’ in letting go of all of that.
Thank you, Michael. And there is never a too late which is super liberating and a great call to make the shift now, rather than festering in regret.
A wonderful message to all of us. Better late than never. How often do we see people who have given up in a relationship – crippled by the knowledge that they were responsible for their part in it, but unable to actually accept that responsibility – and thus evolve. That is the power of what you are doing Michael – not just changing the relationship – but also inspiring others (and your sons) to take responsibility and to know that it is never too late.
As a woman I really enjoyed reading this male perspective of how we are in our relationships. It is a set up we have all fallen for ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’.
It is really great that you are breaking the cycle of generations and your boys being part of it for if they become fathers, they know another way.
Goodness Joel what an important topic you raise. “Doing’ (and with the best of intentions) can be such a powerful addiction behind which we hide our hurts and insecurities, and so do not truly share ourselves.
So true, Jonathan. Doing in all its many guises truly is an addiction and a strong fortress we use to shield and protect ourselves – only thing is, it doesn’t really work, no matter how hard we try.
Great sharing Joel – thank you for your honesty. It’s so inspiring to hear how you’re changing a long running pattern and in the process bringing more love and awareness to your family. What a gift we bring to our children when we see beyond the beliefs and behaviours we ourselves have been raised with and know that it’s enough to simply be ourselves – that’s all we ever want as children.
Very true Heather, it is such a gift to be able to break out of the entrenched habits we were raised with and offer our children the opportunity to know us for who we really are. It is ‘all we ever want as children’ and what an amazing gift that is.
Beautiful insight Joel. I didn’t realize what I had been ‘doing’ until our sons were adult and that my self-imposed role of problem-solver parent was creating a separation between us. Our relationships blossomed when I accepted that to just be me was enough and we all support each other from our different strengths.
Mary your comment has prompted me to consider how I feel when someone steps in and problem solves for me and to reflect on how I sometimes step in and try problem solve for another when actually they’ve not asked me to.
Offering instant solutions doesn’t ask the other person to look at how they may have played a part in creating a situation. I feel how, by being myself and honouring the other person equally so, allows them the space to explore a situation without judgment and allows them to take responsibility if they so choose.
I love the simplicity of your message Joel, that being ourselves is all that is needed. We have fallen for the set up, “that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.”
This is a great revelation Rachel and you speak much wisdom in your words.
Agree Rachel. And is it possible that if we as parents play a role and not truly be ourselves – then we influence our children to act that way too?
Yes Hannah I feel it is extremely possible that when anyone is not truly being themselves it influences others to not be themselves too. This in turn only encourages the same vicious circle to feed itself and so it goes round and round and round..
Love it Joel, Although as a dad and husband there is quite often something to fix or a bit of advice needed it is just so great to look at being a dad from the wise words you have laid out and just being there as yourself is enough if you are truly there.
Awesome Kevin – being your self doesn’t necessarily mean giving advice or being able to see answers to problems, it just means that when you do it you aren’t identified by the outcome and what is more evident than your words is your love for the people you are supporting.
“I didn’t consider just being me was an option”; that sentence just stays with me after reading your blog Joel. Why don’t we consider just being ourselves i wonder, whether it is with parenting or with other roles we take on in life, like being a partner or a daughter or a friend. Thank you for sharing this, very inspirational.
I agree Mariette, when I allow myself to just be me it feels amazing! So the question has to be asked why do I not allow myself to be me all the time?
Thank you Joel for sharing your way of being a wise and dedicated dad for your two sons. What really touched me is the point you raise “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” It seems to be a minor difference between the two but when I look to my relations with my children I can feel the great harm I do by choosing for such a way of living. Not only by not having a true relation with my children, but also by my contribution in maintaining this way to be as a father for future generations of fathers.
Ironically there is much wisdom in what you have shared Joel. I notice too that when I am simply myself my children are joyful but when I am not conscious of the quality in which I do things and simply make things about getting them done there is a tension in everyone.
Hello Joel,
Thank you so much for your blog. I never wanted to be a parent because I always found it in a way too complicated because of all these hidden and not so hidden rules and the pressures parenting comes with. All the ‘intelligent’ books which come with good advice to be a perfect parent – it is like they would say, we are too ‘dumb’ to feel what is needed. So therefore I absolutely like it that you bring it back to the very easy fact that we as parents only need to be ourselves – wunderbar
A great point, Ester. There’s so much ‘advice’ out there which is very dictatorial, nowhere tells us to just be us! More than awe-some but awe-lots!
I love this….there are SOOOO many rules (often conflict) that either come from the anxiety of getting it wrong or a sense of leaving the kids to their own accord…none of it is about backing yourself and getting in there 100% as you. Because just being you, in truth isn’t enough, we need to be us AND in our childrens lives.
Awesome Ester, what you’re saying is so true – the most important ingredient to parenting is trusting in your own ability to love another when you are just yourself.
So true Ester. Parenting has been so over intellectualised. Joel’s beautiful blog really breaks this down to the truth that what children want and need is us . A connection to the people in their life who raise them. This is a feeling and not something that can be theorised, studied or learned.
Thank you for sharing this Joel.
It really does expose the way we have set up approval – and how important it is when it comes to children’s development.
There is such a need for children to please in order to be rewarded – and we’ve lost the ability to just be ourselves along the way.
What you now see and understand with your children – and the importance of simply being with them – will be a huge healing for you and for them. I hope they read this gorgeous blog too – so they can see the difference and are aware that there is always a choice to play the reward game or not.
I completely agree Hannah
Wow Joel, this is truly beautiful. I have a wise and dedicated Dad whom I love dearly. He has devoted his life to this purpose and I have noticed he is now beginning to let go of some of the doing and be more of who he truly is with a deeper connection. The more he reveals of himself, the more I am amazed at the depth of his sweetness, his tenderness and his vulnerability.
An amazing blog – and so true. Everyone measures themselves buy what they can do, starting from a really young age. And the thing about what your presenting is that the ‘wise and dedicated father’ looks really good – why question it? But as you have said, you can be close but still feel distant, because the person you love the most is never really there – I love your closing line “to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place” – really beautifully put.
You highlight some really valuable points here Rebecca. It is indeed a set up we have fallen for, that we look like the ‘kind and caring’ dad or mum, yet this leaves our children with ‘hurt and sadness’, clearly something is wrong. I have renounced this way of parenting and am learning to just be me with my sons, and everyone.
Well said Rebecca: “you can be close but still feel distant, because the person you love the most is never really there”.
I love that line Jessica too, “you can be close but still feel distant, because the person you love the most is never really there”. It makes me ponder and think about the times I have played a role when all I really wanted to do was ‘be’ myself, and in doing this I could be sat right next to a partner, friend or family member even a stranger but never really be with them, as I was never really with myself. So not only is it about distancing ourself from those we love when we play a role, but also distancing ourself from us.
I agree Gyl, I was thinking about this the other day, about how we allow small misunderstandings to get in-between relationships, simply because there are things you want to say but don’t. Instead of regretting relationships, be everything you are in it, and if it doesn’t work out you know it wasn’t because you didn’t do everything you could.
I love what you say Rebecca, be everything you are in relationships, then no matter what happens you know it was not because you were not being all of you. These words are Golden. For me they simply represent that the only thing I am responsible for is to be myself, everything else will take care of itself, if I be myself.
Beautiful Joel, you have summed it up so well. We step into parenting with this belief that it is all about doing, caring, fixing, directing, delivering, protecting and the list goes on. So exhausting and I can really feel the beautiful moments you describe when you simply put all that down and share yourself, just BE with them. It is what we all want, what all children yearn for, the beautiful connection that opens up when we just share ourselves and stop trying to be Perfect Parent. Pure Gold.
So true Rowena, it made me smile to feel how amazing it is when we let go of all the beliefs we hold onto that are not true nor us, they are so exhausting. It’s like being on a stage and playing all the characters in a show – surely at some point you would get confused, exhausted or just give up. When in truth, and Joel has so beautifully, eloquently and simply shared, we are more than enough simply just being ourselves, no roles, no masks, no having to pretend to be anyone else and this is when people do truly connect and respond, and there’s no exhaustion in sight.
You are so right Gyl. What a relief it is to stop the masquerade, remove or masks and just be ourselves.
Wow, Joel. As I read your blog I could feel the acceptance of where you are at and how there is no judgement in you, only self love. What really resonated with me was what you wrote about ‘…I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them but at the same time being unavailable…’ I too have a teenage son who is beginning to find his way in the world, and I have made the same observation as you in that the more I am able to simply be me, the more my son responds. I too feel that the process of undoing the harm that was done is ongoing. I feel quite strongly however that in being able to just be me with no self-judgement of past parenting, I am allowing space for my son to be with me without any judgement either. Your blog really resonated with me…to read a post from a parent with similar experiences to my own was simply joyful. Go daggy Dad!!
This is something so many of us can relate to “what it is like to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them”. We can remember it as children and it’s an experience we can easily bring when we become parents. The way you shared this here I get the real sense of the ease and enjoyment that is there when we stop trying to fill the relationship up with ‘doing’, ‘showing’ or ‘fixing’ (note to self re all relationships – thanks Joel)
I agree, I have seen many times when a parent isn’t really paying attention to their child or doing several things at once, which as a child when you want to tell someone something can be hurtful. Its about finding the balance between making time for them and for yourself.
A very simple but very relevant point about balance Rebecca – particularly needed around children who are so finely attuned to lack of presence in adults.
“What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” Indeed, Joel, what a set up we have fallen for and how gorgeously you expose it.
Thank you Natalie – it is a setup indeed. That we as children need to do things well to get our parents praise. That dads learn to play a role based on whats living proof around them.
To break that mould is very inspiring and makes it clear to see there can be a simpler way if we choose to see it.
Dear Joel,
This is beautiful, I can see how my Dad has fallen for the wise dedicated Dad (expressed with my dad’s permission). Thank you for the understanding your writing has brought to me. I can feel the sadness inside of me for having experienced this way of living. And feel I am able to let go of another level of feeling I’m not good enough, that I have been living with – if someone in my life doesn’t want to be with me, it must be that I am not good enough… Now I can see clearly that their way of living is not about me, but about a need they have to be a good Dad. I feel this understanding has now set a new platform for my connection with my dad and others too, supporting my ability to just be me, in so doing offering this way of being for all to see. The biggest thank you ever from me.
This is amazing reading Joel’s tender and honest share about what he has observed and learned about being a ‘wise and dedicated’ parent and your share Leigh relating this to your own experience of being the recipient of this, taking it personally and making judgements about yourself. This provides a great revelation about a lot of our self negating beliefs, and an opportunity to debase them and let them go.
Leigh isn’t it amazing how we as children draw these conclusions about ourselves based on how our parents behave, we take it all so personally and they are just trying to do their best for us. It is so beautiful to hear how you are able to let go of that belief and build a deeper relationship with your father. I too am finding it easier to let go of such beliefs and build a different relationship with my parents, which is such a huge gift.
So amazing that you had this conversation with your father, just goes to show relationships can be ever evolving.
Joel I am going to take this to heart as a new nana to my adorable grandson, and know I am enough just being me. And with the understanding that supporting my family is not all about doing, but the quality of being in any doing . Thank you for this very lovely sharing.
That is brilliant Bernadette – to put into action just being who we are. What a beautiful opportunity you have with your grandson, for him to grow up with the reflection of someone being all of who they are. That is an amazing gift for him – and you – a true relationship founded on love.
Wise words Joel in showing us how a father’s true role can be so much simpler and more effective by simply being there and connecting. A gem.
Very true, Rod. How often do we complicate our lives by playing along with what is expected by us, instead of just being with another person? This is especially true with children, where many people tend to change their behaviour drastically when around them.
That is so true Naren. How often do we complicate our lives by adopting roles and expectations and then trying to deliver them instead of just being ourselves, especially with children. What Joel has shared provides great insight and is very inspiring.
I agree Golnaz, this is truly inspiring and equally so the fact that by choosing just to be ourselves without any roles we are actually breaking the pattern or “lineage” that has been passed on by fathers previously, and to feel how our families and children are receiving a true reflection of the real us is huge.
How amazing for your boys to have a TRULY dedicated and wise Dad. A Dad who gives them the reflection that it is not the things they do that is important, but that all they need to do is just be themselves.
Well said, such a gift, whatever time in life it is delivered, to be able to finally get to know and feel the real Dad is such a gift, and one that will serve for a very, very long time.
I agree Rowena…”Whatever time in life it’s delivered”… it’s never too late. As I continue to work on dropping the ‘doing’ and take back up the ‘being’, my relationship with my now adult children is allowing for a deeper intimacy with each other, beautiful moments of sharing, at times our fragilities, vulnerabilities, and other times the clear joy in just being ourselves. These moments are gold. I too brought up my daughters mostly unavailable to them. It’s likely there were moments I was being myself but coming back to me more and more today I know for sure this is not the woman they saw in front of them back then. There are rare moments of regret still but I’m coming to understand this relates to my own childhood hurts of me as a little girl feeling no connection with the ‘strangers’ in my own family and further to what became the ‘stranger’ within myself.
Thanks Joel, your blog has brought further understanding, awareness and healing for me.
I agree with you Elizabeth, it is never too late. My family is very grown up, and back in the days when they were young, unfortunately I did not know anything about this much more loving way of being with them. I have to the best of my ability endeavoured to take this loving way of being, rather than into the doing, into all my dealings with my grandchildren, but they now are no longer young children and I accept that they will make their own choices in their lives.
Of course I look forward in my next life to truly being with my children, non-judging and truly lovingly and allowing them to make their own choices. I have learned so much in the past few years, thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I know it will be an absolutely wonderful life.
I agree Carmin
Agreed – it is super inspirational Carmin to see a different way of parenting
So true Carmin. Joel is breaking the mold on parenting as his comments are equally valid for Mums. It is so easy to get caught up in the ‘doing’ of parenting and I know over these holidays I have really experienced how much my son just wants to be, with himself, with me and it is such a joy just to be myself with him.
I agree Carmin, it is absolutely amazing and inspiring.
I agree Carmin, how beautiful for the boys to have an amazing dad who can really connect to them and give them the space to be their true selves.
So true Amiita without judgement or set beliefs. Pure Gold!
Well said Carmin, I agree. A beautiful way of parenting.
Yes, the funny thing is we are only wise and dedicated when we are ourselves, all of ourselves. Otherwise we are only dedicated at best and our kids see right through that.
Yes Carmin I absolutely agree. It is very beautiful and greatly inspiring.
I love your clear down to the point writing, Joel. Very beautiful. Although having no children I can relate very much to it. I often still put more value on what I do or know intellectually or on a practical level than on just Being myself. Putting the doing above the Being when it is really the other way around. The way we are -really being our Divine self- determines the quality,/value of what we do. The awareness of this helps me to shift this so common way of living that puts doing before Being.
This is a great reminder Ingrid, thank you, ‘Putting the doing above the Being when it is really the other way around. The way we are -really being our Divine self- determines the quality,/value of what we do.’ I feel how absolutely true this is and notice that the ‘norm’ in society is all about the ‘doing’ without consideration of how we are being/the quality and I see that this does not work and only results in exhaustion and illness and disease.
Yes gosh putting the doing above BEING! I have felt this sometimes at the dinner table where I have thought of what I can or should say during silences, how to ‘fill’ the silence when sometimes just being with others and saying nothing actually says more than any words can say.
How true Vicky. As parents we often think we have to teach our children stuff, set an example. But when I look back, some of our best times were sitting round the dinner table, long after the meal was over, being ourselves.
One of the greatest lessons I have recently learnt is I am not here to teach my children anything. I can inspire them through how I am and live but apart from that it is up to them. In fact if I try teach my kids something they generally go and try to do the opposite, but if I trust in their ability to find their way, given true role models, they will find their way when they are ready, I have not one doubt in this/them.
A great comment Vicky and I relate to what you share here about ‘thinking’ what to say in the silences instead of just being. A great reminder, thank you.
Vicky, great point. I find myself often in that situation at a dinner table, where I am expected to speak, but I would rather be in my silence.
Thank you Joel for being honest and giving us a look into you. This is a great blog and brings us back to the importance of being ourselves and not playing a ‘role’. I relate to a lot of what you are saying and it is great to bring this awareness to relationships, no matter what age they are.
Indeed you are right Raymond, letting go of roles and just being yourself is an important revelation.
I agree Amina, it is a great point Raymond. It is so easy to be identified by the roles we take on and play in life, essentially putting on different hats depending on where we are, what we are doing and who we are with. It is something I learnt to do and did for most of my life. I have found it extremely liberating and less exhausting the more I simply am myself in all areas of my life.
I always find that I am much more loving with myself and others when I’m just being me. When I try to be someone/something else or who I think I need to be I always feel stressed, have tension and inevitably negative thoughts. To be ourselves means we can just breathe and share our love without trying. Joel’s blog is a poignant example of this.
I agree Shevon, it’s just letting go of the expectations we place on ourselves and by this freeing up of expectations, I find allows others to just be themselves too. I have long stopped trying to make others love me, realising that it is the love I feel for myself first that matters, then it becomes natural to share that love with others, because in essence, it is my love that they are feeling reflected back to them, because it is in them too.
I agree Ray, so many people go through life playing a role, believing that it is who they need to be – and sometimes having several roles for different situations. This blog is a breath of fresh air on the subject, showing that who you are is more than any of your roles.
Absolutely Rebecca it is a breath of fresh air, and an amazing confirmation we don’t have to play out any roles, just simply be ourselves.
Absolutely – its a great message for a lot of people who go through life burdened by the roles they feel they have to live up to.
I totally agree Rebecca these different roles is like we put on each hat that we ‘think’ is the right one for each situation then viola that situation is what you become. An ideal to fill that role. As opposed to being you no matter what the situation and taking each moment as and when they come with the knowing you have it all and you don’t need to be anything.
Very true Natalie, the knowing we are it all will do away with the need for filling in the pictures that we have about how to be in a certain role. We do not need to try to be something or to do something a certain way, if we dare to trust in what we feel what is needed will naturally be there.
Well said Rebecca, we can be ‘in role’ and not even know that we are! If we can step back an observe our actions and reactions, we can begin to see how false these roles are ~ a great protection, identity holder and a farce! As Shevon has said, there is no tension in being ourselves. Now that is is the test; no tension in the body, not likely to be a role to identify with. Great sharing Joel.
That’s so true Rebecca , I remember how I lived so many different roles before I came across Universal Medicine, it was like living several different lives. It was very exhausting and I was just in the motion of living, never truly living.
Yes Rebecca a much needed breath of fresh air, sharing that many of us feel the same. The honesty in this piece of writing has supported me to realise the levels of expectations we put on ourselves as parents or careers harms in more ways than one.
IIt’s great what you share Joel and Raymond, I know many men who take on that role of having to be seen to be doing rather than just being themselves. Men that I have observed In my family and friends circle when they are doing they feel useful around people, otherwise they feel bored and don’t know what to say. So when they come to visit me they look for something to do first, to break the ice before they start to relax and open up to being themselves.
Absolutely Ray, playing roles suits a particular ‘setting’, it offers no one the real you and therefore each relationship is built on a shaky foundation – everyone holding it together to keep the roles in place.
Completely agree Raymond, just by letting go of our roles and being ourselves is much more inspiring for others around us