When I became a father, I felt being a wise and dedicated dad was the best type of father to be for my sons. I didn’t consider just being me was an option.
I grew up with a ‘wise dad’; he was pretty handy and could fix most things. He had a deep perception about life and was always there to offer advice. He’s not perfect of course, he has his own insecurities, blind spots and quirky character traits like the rest of us, but his love and dedication to his children is unquestioned.
As I the wise and dedicated dad, I,
- took up the role of breadwinner
- was there if something needed to be fixed around the house
- was on the committee of the kids’ primary school
- was dropping them off to various activities
- would tell them made up stories at bed time
- was happy to share little ‘factoids’ about life and give them advice.
But in truth, I was missing the most important element of fatherhood… just being me…
You see, being the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ means that to be useful I had to have something to do, something to fix, some advice to give. This means at some level I was always looking for the problems, always looking for what was broken and not working.
My need to be the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ actually meant that I was not being ME with my sons, which is what they really want and enjoy (well, daggy Dad jokes aside).
The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.
These are the times:
- when we sit around the dinner table and just chat about our days
- when I allow myself to deeply see the beautiful men my sons are becoming
- I spend time with them, without needing to show them anything, but just hang out.
As my two sons move through their teenager years and they start making their own choices, I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something.
As I see these feelings in them, I see and feel the same feelings within me from my own childhood and what it is like to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them. Of course as I look deeper, I see what my Dad’s father was like and I can get the sense of this lineage of ‘wise and dedicated dads’, all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves.
What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.
The process of undoing the harm that was caused by growing up with and becoming a ‘wise and dedicated dad’ is still ongoing and I have to dodge the part of me that still wants to make it about ‘doing’ stuff to fix it, rather than just being me with my dad or my kids, regardless of what we do.
Inspired by the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine
By Joel Levin, Western Australia
647 Comments
What a trap ‘doing’ is when we use it as a form of identification, in the world in which we live doing is it, it is the motor that runs the world, stepping out of that way of doing takes time as the body is so used to that momentum. To open up to the truth that what we do is not who we truly are is hugely life changing. Thank you Joel for sharing that our being -ness is where we are to be found.
‘As my two sons move through their teenager years and they start making their own choices, I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something..’ – Joel this is very humbling and honest and what a gif that you have come to this awareness in yourself and can see how you don’t need to be a parent who has an agenda in everything. Thank you for bringing to my attention the game of ‘telling, teaching or showing’ kids something – and how we can so easily get caught up in this, but where is the love.
There’s so much truth in this blog, the moment we try to be anything, or do anything we are actually further away from the truth of who we are, like if I try and be a strong and amazing women, I may be a strong and amazing woman but I don’t realise that by trying to be it or by what I do, but by my surrender inwards to allow what is naturally there out.
Great what you share Meg, as soon as we go into the doing and trying we are so far away from our true essence. Like you say the simplicity is to come back to ourselves, surrender inwards and allow the inner essence, love, strength, power to flow out.
It is interesting that as men, we use the false sense of responsibility that we attach to the role of being a dad in order to avoid transparency and true connection of the tenderness and fragility within ourselves. If only men truly understood the blessing this would be for all others around them.
there are so many role models that we can calibrate ourselves against in our lives… wouldn’t it be so much simpler if we just knew ourselves and who we truly are
Joel, what a gift you are for your sons. I’m sure they will grow up to be amazing fathers themselves due to your loving influence and care.
I often say to my children that the best thing is to just be themselves. Taking that one step further, if I do that myself, my words will have even more meaning.
I don’t have children and it is very inspirational to read the blogs and the comments from those that do and are sharing their experiences. Thank you, Joel!
It is indeed astonishing how many roles we take on and have taken on, as we believe we have to been certain way, talk in ascertain way. Roles often portrayed by society.
There’s literally no greater gift a parent can give their children than being themselves, ultimately that gives the child free permission to know who they are and be themselves too – anything else is an imposition that effects the child and their development in the world.
Such sage advice for all fathers: “the most important element of fatherhood… just being me…”. A reminder that fatherhood is not all about doing, trying to fix things and being everything to everyone, but taking the time to simply be, and share that be-ingness with the children. What a wonderful example of lived wisdom this will be for boys to them to take with them as they grow into men and have children of their own.
You can really see the pictures we hold, the ‘shoulds’ and the family patterns around parenting, all point towards the things we ‘do’ as parents rather than all that we bring when we are ‘just being me’
Its interesting that when you let go of those pictures and roles the truth can come through. The truth is you are actually very wise and also a father but the learning is that how you are with this no longer needs to come from an identification.
“When I became a father, I felt being a wise and dedicated dad was the best type of father to be for my sons. I didn’t consider just being me was an option.” A great opening line Joel. Why would we want to be anything but ourselves – unless we have been conditioned to think otherwise?
There are many ways we believe we have to behave. Thank you for your sharing Joel.
The easiest way to avoid love is by constantly giving love to everyone else. Then you can live in the illusion that you are being loving, even though your own being is void of its true impulse. True love is an emanation, not something that can be sent. So yes, it can be expressed, and of course felt by another. But such is the nature of true love, that whilst it allows itself to be felt, neither does it impose on another so that they are asked to accept it. They are in truth left untouched, and free to align or not according to their own will. Thus why “sending or giving love” is in truth an imposition, and not truly loving at all. For when one is given love, they are of course forced to feel like they are being asked to return it, to give it back, obliged in some way to respond.
And Joel it’s never to late to start being ourselves around our kids and everyone for that matter, it is literally life changing to allow others to express what they need to, when they are ready. I feel in there own time is the moment they choose to feel and recognise and grow, anything we suggest can impose, confuse and possibly cause resistance.
It is very wise to be yourself.
Hello Joel and I had an experience the other day with one of my children in the street. They hurt themselves and there was a strong urge to talk to them about it but I didn’t go there instead I just held them while they cried and gently rubbed their back. Then I whispered, ‘just breathe when you can, just breathe’. Soon enough the crying stopped and we all moved on. What I saw from this is at times as a man, a father or a person we think we need to sort something out, tell someone something or make it better but what I learned is that you just need to hold the space and allow others to do what they need to do. The quality you hold that space in creates time for them to choose what they want to do, they are free to choose. I have found with children particularly they will choose to come closer in these moments and this is what happened to me. I love being a father and it has nothing to do with what I can do but more the blessing it is to be around other people. They maybe smaller physically but no less enjoyable.
This is beautiful. I can often see somebody being hurt and they just need to feel held and taken care of and talking can happen afterwards.
Parenthood is rife with our ideas of what we should be doing. One of mine was around cooking and having to prepare a meal every night regardless of how late I had worked or if I was feeling tired or not. My children are all grown up now, and often it’s just me and my husband that sit to eat together in the evenings. I have only recently released myself from that feeling of obligation to cook. Often we are not that hungry, or a light snack will suffice.
I agree this is a great message for our children – we are everything before we do anything – no need to take on a role, just need to be ourselves. Love it Joel
A very wise and beautiful blog Joel; how gorgeous for your boys (and you) that they experience, live with and love you just being you.
What a great message for kids… “ Yes I’m already perfect in just being me “ … feels like a great song …☺
Thank you Joel. It is a temptation as a parent to get caught up in the ‘doing’ and lose sight of just ‘being’ who we are to such an extent that we do not know for ourselves who we truly are.
It is a beautiful and powerful awareness to come to when you realise that the dedication and wisdom you have comes from the love you develop with yourself first. Expressed outwardly this then embraces others naturally… just from being yourself.
Having recently attended a number of Father’s Day functions I was amazed at how this day has us geared into playing the role of the day even down to the choices of gifts that are exchanged by children to parents of all generations. The opportunity for the realness of relationships has been shared in this blog and reminding us that we can bring more understanding and connect with one another daily without the need to focus on the roles of specific genders.
There are so many expectations based on the roles we play as parents. What are the right and wrong things to do, be and model for our children? Thanks Joel Levin for getting real about just being yourself and allowing what needs to come through with our leaning made with no judgement and perfection but a realness for all to see.
I can so relate to your blog Joel. I too have realised the quality of how we are with ourselves reflects on the quality of how we are with others, like with our children, partner, friends etc. So being ourselves as much as possible supports a true connection, we can then learn and grow from each other’s reflection. I have found being physically present with someone without true connection doesn’t support us to evolve but can often create issues and misunderstanding. Working on truly being present and connect with everyone we meet and live with is key to living a joyful and loving life.
Children know and feel what is true and what is not- we delude ourselves into thinking we can impress them by being someone different. I love what you have shared Joel. There are messages for us all here, I feel.
Being a parent or not, the truth is that until we live from the connection we hold with the vast wisdom of the universe that is within us, we fumble along in the ‘doingness’ looking for outcomes set by traditions and ideals. We innately know that this way is not it and yet we keep repeating these patterns of behaviour. Awesome that you have connected to this truth and shared it with me Joel!
Joel thank you for sharing so openly, so many parents get caught in the doing for their children they forget to be their true self. You shared very clearly how most fathers get caught in the fixing, teaching and showing stuff that they forget to just be themselves and therefore struggle to relate to the children. Children pick up on these emotions.
Beautiful Joel, I can feel the ideal of being a great dad and that this is linked to ‘doing stuff’, fixing things and being the breadwinner rather than men simply being their tender, precious selves with their children. As a mum I can feel how it is easy to go into this ‘dad will fix it’ mentality and want my partner to take on this role of always ‘doing’ and ‘providing’, great to be aware of this.
Just thinking about being a wise and dedicated dad, when I read the words, brought a tension to my body and I knew straight away that the message that Joel was offering was true. There is no role we can take on to prepare ourselves as a parent, which will not create a barrier to children to receive the love that they can naturally receive when we just be ourselves.
Imagine parents who are wise because of the connection they’ve built with themselves, and who are totally dedicated to living a true and loving life – this has got to be the way forward!
I agree Joel – the greatest gift you can give someone is to just be you.
Thank you Joel, whilst reading this I reflected upon my childhood and how I always wanted to know who my mum truly was beyond the role she played. Children love it when we can just be ourselves with them without the focus on what needs to be done as this line so beautifully reminds us ‘The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.’
I love what you have shared here Joel, and it reminds me of the saying that we are human beings not human doings. And so it is, that we should take the time to appreciate who we are rather than focus only on appreciating what we do!
As children and indeed as adults we long for people to be real, genuine and loving with us. Mostly we don’t remember things like how much money our parents give us as children but we do remember how much of their essence they shared with us.
By the way Joel the name of the blog could be a title for a song, if you’re interested……
It’s great to return to this blog and read it again Joel. I may have highlighted this part already but, “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” I have found “the love we have for ourselves” is an ever changing or deepening one. There was a part of me that would sit on a place I had found. It wasn’t just appreciation but a comfort in seeing what you thought was a perfect picture and that all you needed to do was repeat the same. The love we have for ourselves always calls for refinement, not to be perfect but to continually see how things feel and be flexible in how that love looks and plays out. More and more it’s just a simple dedication to what you are feeling and the expression of that, regardless of the situation and who stands in front of you. This isn’t impersonal but actually an intimacy in being totally open to allow yourself and anyone else ‘see’ you. Thank you Joel.