I have just realised that I have all these pictures, ideals and beliefs in my head about women in relationships and on how a woman should be in a relationship.
For so long I was unaware of these pictures as I have been single for ages and there has been no potential on the horizon, but recently that has changed… and so has my behaviour.
You see, when there was no potential relationship with a man, I was just being me… no one to impress, no neediness or anything, but as soon as I had a potential, these pictures started popping up all over the place. The hard thing was to realise that the pictures are not me; that I have taken them on so that I would fit in and belong.
These pictures look a bit like this, and for each woman they will be different, but here are some of mine:
- As a woman I should look a certain way, either sexy or feminine, for a man to like me and want to be in a relationship with me
- The house should be clean and tidy or else I am not a good woman
- The dinner should be perfect and everyone should enjoy it otherwise I am a failure as a woman
- I should be happy, fun and playful otherwise I am not a good woman
- I should be a good parent
- I should be smart
And the list will go on until bit by bit I get more and more honest about these pictures and beliefs that I have somehow had in my mind and thought were me, but aren’t really. At some point in my life, probably when I was very young, I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.
I am starting to realise that from my role models, and from what I have seen on TV, in movies and in society, I have taken on these pictures of what it is to be, not only a woman, but also a women in relationship, as being me – but in fact it is not me at all.
The tricky part is that when I get caught in the trying to be the ‘picture’, in trying to look sexy, to have the house picture perfect clean and to make the perfect dinner, to have the perfect relationship, I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.
In that moment, I contract or feel less and cannot for the life of me just relax and be me…
The other choice that I consider in that moment is to give up completely because it’s like I will never be able to reach the impossible standards I have set for myself as a woman – and I have only set the standards because of the pictures in my head.
I am not sure how it must feel for the man at the other end of this scenario – I am yet to discover that – but it must feel kind of strange meeting a woman and seeing her as herself but then the next time that you see her she is anxious and putting on a show. It’s no wonder guys can sometimes get cold feet in a relationship with a woman and run. Maybe it’s just that they feel the falseness of the picture and say no to that. Maybe they are not interested in the “made up version” and in fact the part they liked was the real one.
It has taken me years to acquire all these pictures of woman in relationship and how a woman ‘should’ be, act and behave in a relationship, so as much as I would like to discard them overnight, I realise that this is a work in progress and requires my honesty and awareness to slowly, one by one, become aware of each picture and decipher whether it’s me or a picture.
I may be attached to some pictures more than others and identified in them in some way, depending on how ingrained they are in me and that is okay, as it is all part of my process. Now my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationship.
by Rosie Bason, Age 35, Massage therapist, Parent, Business owner, Goonellabah
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine
886 Comments
When we find ourselves being caught up in our ideals of ‘should’ we can stop and ask ourselves ‘Do we want the other person to fit their ‘shoulds’ or to just be who they are?”
Being aware that we may indeed hold pictures, ideals or beliefs about how we think we ought to be that actually aren’t true to who we really are is a step towards liberating ourselves from them and nurturing our authentic expression.
It’s worth letting go of all the pictures and all the effort and trying to be something we’re not, because when someone is in love with you, actually you, it’s such an incredible feeling.
Accepting and appreciating ourselves for who we truly are helps us to let go of these pictures, ‘I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.’
One picture of mine I can certainly vouch for is: ‘I ‘should’ be a good, hard and conscientious worker to prove my self worth’, a picture what feels like I have held for a long time however this picture is definitely not who I am. What I am becoming aware of is how we place the pictures onto others thinking it is them and who they are when in truth it could not be further from the truth. It makes sense to me that when we hold a picture within us we hold it not only for ourselves but we hold it for everyone.
This is very true what you share here Caroline, so many people can be imprisoned by these false pictures. Time to let these pictures go, ‘I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.’
Is it my task as the woman to be the one responsible for keeping the so called harmony (peace) in the house so that the man (or others involved) doesn’t experience the turmoil that is there? I am realising there are still ‘relics’ left of this picture that are playing out, like trying to please others so they won’t have to bother to look at their own part of creating a disharmony. And it is not truly harmony, it is more that things can be swept under the carpet instead of delt with when they present themselves.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves when we try to fit into an ideal or picture and push ourselves out of our natural rhythm to fit a perceived way of being not realising how much this harms and reduces our whole expression and separates us from the innate inner knowing of who we are in essence.
Yes when we choose to live more from our essence, we naturally are pulled up to strip off the layers on top (that are lies over our truth, not who we are). This can be an image, a role, an ideal or belief, an expectation, a thought etc..
Learning to see the difference between who we are by essence and what we are not, is a very freeing and loving journey. One that never ends. Until we are fully resurrected back to our Soul, our essential beingness.
It is a loving work in progress to unravel what we have taken on, let it go and live more of ourselves.
I find it interesting how there can be the real you and the you that is put out on show to avoid having the real you rejected. And I actually admire how complicated and actually very sophisticated this is, and I know that I have done this so many times too, and watch people I know do it too. That we as humans are aware that we can pick and choose how we are perceived, I reckon shows the signs of a vastly more grand intelligence that knows exactly all the rules of this earth and will bend and manipulate as it sees fit in order to give to itself exactly what it wants – i.e. comfort, security, issues, dilemmas, identification, distraction – whilst all the while knowing that the real and true you is still there, a you that is simple and pure and deeply uncomplicated.
Living life through pictures is rather bleak and empty, because the pictures cause so much stress and anxiety and are a distraction away from us just being and feeling ourselves. When we just relax into life and allow it to be how it is, and for us to be who we are, without trying to impress anyone else or convince them that we’re who we think they want us to be, we’re a lot more real, and so are our connections with others.
We do not know who we are, so we create pictures to fill that void, to make us be something that we are not and that has been projected to us. Connecting deeper within to who we truly are provides us with an understanding that we are indeed enough, just being, accepting and appreciating ourselves for who we truly are little by little blows all those pictures out of the water.
We so set ourselves up, we have these pictures and we think they’re us and then when we’re rejected for those pictures, we get hurt, but it’s not us at all … the insidiousness of pictures and how destructive they are, and it’s to unpick them one by one to come back to us that’s the work, and bit by bit the unraveling continues.
Letting go of pictures can only happen when we bring enough awareness to our lives and our choices to see what those pictures are, and why we created them in the first place. Building a connection to what we can feel, and learning to discern whether something feels great or not, is a first step towards letting go of those pictures. Life based on how we feel means that the pictures start to become redundant, because they just feel unimportant and irrelevant compared to the grandness, the space and stillness we can feel when we allow ourselves that freedom to let go.
I so loved reading this again today, as it has been a moment to appreciate how many of those pictures I’ve let go of and how much more me I now am. I had lots of pictures around being in a relationship but then once I was in one, I then had lots of pictures of being a woman in relationship in a family and then when I had kids, with a family. I can remember just turning myself inside out to impress my parents and in-laws when they would come over, having everything picture perfect and that I was being a great allrounder partner and mother. Exhausting with a capital E. The whole time they get this diluted form of us and miss out on actually being together.
It is so good to see and appreciate what we are no longer held in, as in all the pictures and roles that we try to fit rather than just being ourselves. Sure we have to be a mum, a partner, do the cleaning etc but those activities do not define us.
When we realise that the pictures we frame life in are mere perceptions and not who we are, it is then that we become free to live each moment as a new beginning.
Yes why is it that we see things and get stuck in yet another picture of “its just the way it is”. It is only that way because we have accepted that! Each moment is a new beginning and up to us to change if we feel to.
I love this Rosie and I can relate to it, I know that when someone has shown that they love me I can have pictures come in of how I then think I need to be, but in this I change and the person no longer gets the ‘me’ they fell in love with. It is an experience to open up and allow another to see all of you.
Yes it sure is and so lovely when we are open to that and see the all of them and accept it without needing to change anything to suit yet another picture.
I can so relate to this, I recently met a man and we decided to go on a date. I then went in on myself trying to fit what I thought would be the picture he would want. I realised that this was a form of protection and a way for me to avoid going deeper and opening up to what was on offer in the relationship.
I have been looking at this too, how we can get caught up in over there and fitting in but it is all just to avoid going deeper within. Why do I avoid that….? hmm thats a good question. Its as if I am exploring going places I haven’t been before, allowing more of the delicate woman out and it scares me just because it is unknown and I have lived so long in protection.
As we unravel what is not us it is so lovely to reconnect to the depths of who we are and build a loving relationship with ourselves and with this we are in a much stronger position to take all of us into all our relationships.
Absolutely and it also supports us in instances where we do go off track or take a detour as we then have a foundation to return to.
A great conversation to open up Rosie, as I am sure many of us have experienced doing this; my hand is up. I say ‘doing’ because this is precisely what we choose to go into whilst negating our innately gorgeous quality of being, in order to ‘live up’ or ‘measure up ‘ to something that we think will garner attention, acceptance or approval. We are more than enough and the more we develop a loving relationship with our ‘enoughness’ that more we confidently meet others and share this gorgeous quality of our being.
We really are more than enough and we need to appreciate this more and more because if we don’t own it, live it and appreciate ourselves how can we expect anyone else to.