I have just realised that I have all these pictures, ideals and beliefs in my head about women in relationships and on how a woman should be in a relationship.
For so long I was unaware of these pictures as I have been single for ages and there has been no potential on the horizon, but recently that has changed… and so has my behaviour.
You see, when there was no potential relationship with a man, I was just being me… no one to impress, no neediness or anything, but as soon as I had a potential, these pictures started popping up all over the place. The hard thing was to realise that the pictures are not me; that I have taken them on so that I would fit in and belong.
These pictures look a bit like this, and for each woman they will be different, but here are some of mine:
- As a woman I should look a certain way, either sexy or feminine, for a man to like me and want to be in a relationship with me
- The house should be clean and tidy or else I am not a good woman
- The dinner should be perfect and everyone should enjoy it otherwise I am a failure as a woman
- I should be happy, fun and playful otherwise I am not a good woman
- I should be a good parent
- I should be smart
And the list will go on until bit by bit I get more and more honest about these pictures and beliefs that I have somehow had in my mind and thought were me, but aren’t really. At some point in my life, probably when I was very young, I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.
I am starting to realise that from my role models, and from what I have seen on TV, in movies and in society, I have taken on these pictures of what it is to be, not only a woman, but also a women in relationship, as being me – but in fact it is not me at all.
The tricky part is that when I get caught in the trying to be the ‘picture’, in trying to look sexy, to have the house picture perfect clean and to make the perfect dinner, to have the perfect relationship, I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.
In that moment, I contract or feel less and cannot for the life of me just relax and be me…
The other choice that I consider in that moment is to give up completely because it’s like I will never be able to reach the impossible standards I have set for myself as a woman – and I have only set the standards because of the pictures in my head.
I am not sure how it must feel for the man at the other end of this scenario – I am yet to discover that – but it must feel kind of strange meeting a woman and seeing her as herself but then the next time that you see her she is anxious and putting on a show. It’s no wonder guys can sometimes get cold feet in a relationship with a woman and run. Maybe it’s just that they feel the falseness of the picture and say no to that. Maybe they are not interested in the “made up version” and in fact the part they liked was the real one.
It has taken me years to acquire all these pictures of woman in relationship and how a woman ‘should’ be, act and behave in a relationship, so as much as I would like to discard them overnight, I realise that this is a work in progress and requires my honesty and awareness to slowly, one by one, become aware of each picture and decipher whether it’s me or a picture.
I may be attached to some pictures more than others and identified in them in some way, depending on how ingrained they are in me and that is okay, as it is all part of my process. Now my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationship.
by Rosie Bason, Age 35, Massage therapist, Parent, Business owner, Goonellabah
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine
827 Comments
All those ‘shoulds’ that keep us from being who we are should be let go of.
Ha.. great point Mary – we are so caught up in everything we think we need to be that we totally loose sight of the fact that we are everything already, just by being who we are.
Should should just not be part of our vocabulary!
The underlying anxiety I feel is trying to get things right and when I make a mistake it feels like the end of the world especially when there are many people involved. Yet recently when an incident happened where I had forgotten an important item of clothing for an event it didn’t affect me like it would normally. Yes I felt distraught at the time but I couldn’t hold onto it for very long because put simply it wasn’t worth it. Living in perfection is impossible yet this has been a big picture I have taken on. It is indeed a work in progress to let it go and the more I learn to accept myself in full mistakes and all the more content I feel to be the ‘real’ me.
A lot of the things we go into or get caught up in are really not worth it, and in that, with awareness, we can see how much energy we waste.
Thank you Rosie for sharing about the pictures ideals and beliefs that make up the sum total of life as it is mostly lived and who we think we are. These false ideals are fed to us from an early age and are carried through out our life until we learn the truth that they are not who we truly are. One huge picture I had was “good ” being good, doing good, with no sense of the true me anywhere. The pictures attached to the “good” are slowly disappearing as I connect more to and claim the true me, I know more will yet appear, as I am open to see them for what they truly are, false , with not one ounce of truth in them.
I know you are not alone in wanting to be good, getting caught in the never ending trying to get it right… it is like this for many and what I am realising is that for me it comes from not having enough self worth and or appreciating that I am enough just as I am. There is no need to be anything more or get recognition from outside of me.
When we go from outside of ourselves, the pictures will always change depending on what others are up to, what is in fashion etc and that thought alone feels exhausting. Its the same as you know when someone tells a white lie and they have to keep the false story going on and on and by then its too late or awkward to reveal the real story..but it does come out eventually. When we feel from within, it really doesn’t matter what others are up to and when we are ourselves right from the beginging there is no story to keep up with. We can just be.
Once you are aware that we create pictures that then dictate how we should be in a relationship, it really brings it home how false we are being, and untrue to ourselves and our partners.
After seeing some of the pictures I had been running with during my first marriage, what stood out was how these ideals and beliefs had stepped out of a ‘How to be a perfect wife’ book I read as a teenager, which was written in the 50’s, and here I was in the 80’s trying to re-create the perfect image of what it means to be a ‘good wife’. During the duration of that marriage that lasted seven years, I now wonder how much of the real me my ex-husband got to see, and what is also clear, is how quickly the cracks began to appear. Along with that he also brought his bag of tricks to the party of what it meant to be a good husband – did we actually know each other (no need to answer that).
Trying and controlling are so exhausting and we miss out on the magic that can occur when we surrender and allow.
Before saying yes to my current relationship I was completely unaware to many pictures I was/am holding as to how life, myself and others should be. Having pictures feels like it leads to a lot of controlling of life. Which I’ve only really put 2+2 together now. Control comes from trying to confirm our pictures. Thank you Rosie.
Rosie there are lots of myths around how a woman (but also a man) should be whether in relationship or whether not. I grew up in a strong Indian culture and to be a woman, there were expectations imposed upon us. To name a few: study hard you’ll be an attractive prospect for a husband, be a good cook – another brownie point for your husband and in laws, produce children – be a good mother, carer and more and the list goes on.
To remove these pictures is a working progress but the fact that you made the choice to no longer accept this is a great starting point. We all have our belief systems, images and pictures that contract us from who we truely are but underneath we all the same……..
Yes women and men have enough ideals and pictures to live up to without the extra ones put on us by different religions and cultures. It is great when we realise that we don’t have to be part of that cultural belief or way and that we can actually choose what feels right for us, even if we have been doing the same old same old for a long long time. Its never to late to choose what is right for us.
Being honest with ourselves and not being swayed by pictures and images we hold in our mind completely changes the way we live, the choices we make and the true feeling of joy we have inside.
Acquiring pictures starts from such a young age – observing children in primary school and years ago when in playgroups. What models do we, as women, portray to these young ones? Clocking my own pictures is a start – and is quite shocking to realise how many I have! As you mention in a comment Rosie, the more aware we become about them the less power they have over us.
Its true that there are so many pictures we have of how we need to be as a woman and then when these come in we lose ourselves and our expression changes. I have just started dating someone and can feel constantly these silent thoughts and messages that I am judging myself against. However, in the moments where I just connect with me- it is very beautiful and everything just flows.
The great thing is, the more we become aware of these pictures of how we need to be as a woman, and the more we see them for what they are, just a picture and not true at all, the less power they have over us. I have found as I realise one picture, I get more aware of another and another. I could even judge myself for having so many pictures but I am really appreciating how I am becoming more and more aware of this. This is the key!
I had my own list of “relationship pictures”, most of which are on your list, and trying to live those pictures was so very challenging, usually ending up with me feeling very resentful and frustrated as they didn’t seem to make being in a relationship any easier; often harder. How liberating it is to have now let go of these pictures – well most of them – and to allow myself to just be the wonderful me, in whatever relationship I am in.
Great to feel your commitment to living without pictures Rosie without putting pressure on yourself to get there immediately. What is coming up for me this morning is my picture that being in a relationship is hard work and I have to be constantly working at making it better rather than just relaxing and being myself. It is never about the relationship it is about my connection with myself and building that so that there is no room for pictures to come in and sabotage.
When we start to become aware of the pictures we hold it can be quite shocking to feel how much those images have controlled our lives and our choices. It is very freeing when we live not by pictures but from how we truly feel from within.
Pictures we hold can be so insidious, because when we have pictures/expectations and impose those onto others, we always end up feeling disappointed. Why? Because the pictures aren’t real, they are made up and so other people have no idea what it is we’ve conjured up in our heads, so of course they are set up to fail, the whole thing is set up to make sure we stay in usually in emotions, drama and lots of complication. So when we drop the pictures, it does make things more clear and simplistic.
Oh yeah and we all know how ridiculous and unobtainable some of those pictures are!
A great blog Rosie; such a beautiful confirmation to renounce the pictures, ideals and beliefs, without perfection or giving ourselves a ‘hard’ time. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.
If we really step back and look at this it’s crazy that we, as women, change to try and attract someone. If that person does like us, then 1: is it really us they like? and 2: we’ve set a completely dishonest foundation for the relationship. Why would we not want to be with someone who totally loves and cherishes us for who we are?
Yes that is a good point, the key being not to object ourselves in the first place. I find that appreciating and valuing myself is a great place to start.
“At some point in my life, probably when I was very young, I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.” So great to re-read your post Rosie. Having pictures – about anything – sets us up to fall short of the image we think we need to follow.
It is sad really when you think about how so many of us have reduced ourselves down to fit a picture. I say reduce because we are so much more than any picture.
Reading your sharing Rosie, I can relate to some of the ways you speak of, especially my expectation of how I should be and how I will be viewed if I am not this person that my mind has conjured up!
Rosie – you have presented a great exercise for all of us as women (and men for that matter) to consider deeply. If we were all to just sit down and write down all that we ‘believe’ or think that a woman (or man) ‘should’ be, it would be interesting to see what comes out. No different to how you have presented it here in this blog Rosie – e.g. Must be good looking, smart, quiet, good cook, keeps house tidy, good mother (what ever THAT means!?) and so on and so forth. None of these actually consider the person, the Being. It all looks purely at the outside and how and what a woman DOES. The focus becomes completely different and outside of the Being. But what if we focused on the qualities that we each bring, naturally so…rather than what we do. What if we focused on how we felt and how tender we are, how honest we can be and the steadiness and the holding that we all naturally have deep within (but often forget about).
There is so much to appreciate about ourselves, about our being instead of what we do but as you mentioned, this is what we often forget about and yet the doing is not who we are!
These false images and pictures sabotage our relationship with self and others, ‘when I get caught in the trying to be the ‘picture’, in trying to look sexy, to have the house picture perfect clean and to make the perfect dinner, to have the perfect relationship, I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.’
I can so relate to this, I have been single too and recently meeting someone and feeling a spark with them- the connection at first was strong, steady and there was a knowingness and ease. After that the feelings of excitement and all the pictures came in and I found it hard to be myself with this man, thinking I needed to do something to impress him and have the relationship fall into the picture that I wanted it to be.
I was speaking to a man yesterday and it was interesting to note I didn’t change, I was able to just be me. It’s great to treat all relationships as dates, being aware of our changing behaviours and dismissing the false pictures that can pop up.
I agree Merrilee, and its good to treat all relationships equally. Why is it okay to be one with some, and then reserved, closed or shut down with another.
I can so relate to this, when there is a potential with a man I have thoughts come in of, ‘I have made it’ or an excitement come in and all these pictures of what it will be and in that I am totally gone and lose myself. As you describe, this would be a put of for anyone and it exposes that I need to love myself and know myself more deeply so that I don’t change for anyone.
This is a refreshing take on what might make a man ‘run a mile’ from a potential relationship Rosie, to say no to the falsity of the pictures she is attempting to live up to… we are so good at twisting this to be about their deficiencies, or to turn it on ourselves and conclude we are not lovable/worthy. To be honest as you’ve done, and see what is playing out is the key I agree, so that what you offer a potential partner is the real you, and not a constructed version.
Thank you for exposing all the false images we take on for how we think we ‘should’ be. When we develop a truly loving relationship with ourselves then we can share all that we are with another.
It is gorgeous that you have come to a place where you are choosing to be aware of all the roles and pictures you have accumulated rather than just be a slave to them as most are. From the awareness the ability to unravel them can lead you to discovering who you are picture free, reflecting to others they can be this too.
I think we’re laced with so many pictures of what we should be like as women that we actually think they’re normal! A woman just being herself and being true to what she feels is SO powerful in any relationship.
It is these pictures and images that offer harm our potential in relationships. Not only the ones we have our selves as women but those we can judge in our choice of partners.
Gorgeous photo of you Rosie. It is so interesting how these images can make us feel so exhausted, empty and out of sorts. It never truly works when we try to fit into these false images. I have found the best and most loving way to be in any relationship is to be ourselves.
Spot on Chan – being ourselves is certainly the best Medicine! When we try to fit into images and ideals and beliefs, life feels complicated and difficult. This is how we get to feel that things are not actually naturally unfolding for us. And in this way we learn to identify the images, and then to let them go and try out a different way of being, a different way of living. What a learning life is, or really I should say what an un-learning of all the ideals and beliefs that we have been fed along the way! Thankfully the truth that lies within us never goes away, it is just about re-developping our relationship with it and strengthening that bond rather than a ‘bond’ with the false images!
Thank you for sharing this insightful blog Rosie! I agree that if we could just start out in relationships just by being our true selves, many of our difficulties would disappear or not be present at all. Why we feel we have to put the pressure on ourselves to be a certain way that is not natural to who we are, I don’t know. We complicate our lives by trying to live up to not only our standards, but others also. To accept who we truly are and change only those things that will be to our benefit, makes sense to me.
Very true Linda and the thing is we are given images all the time, constantly in fact and often we are not even aware of the fact that these images are being fed to us. They are not ones we make up ourselves but they are fed to us simply by the choice of energy that we are aligned to.
It is interesting how we think we will be rejected for being ourselves, I know for me who ever I was with, whether I was in a relationship or with people I know there was always a feeling of not being enough,, and I would not be accepted for just being me The ‘more’ would come in the form of doing, if I was being helpful, working hard making sure everything was perfect, wanting to be liked and not rocking the boat were some of the pictures I had created to be accepted. The truth is I was not accepting myself and the true qualities that I was able to bring to any relationship.
So easy to want to blame rather than take responsibility isn’t it. I love how you have shared that you were not accepting yourself and your true qualities. The more we accept and appreciate ourselves, the less we need to “do” to prove ourselves or look for recognition outside of ourselves.
Thank you Rosie what you have shared here is a great exposure to the pictures we can live by that are miles away from who we truly are. In the past I would try and fulfill all these pictures I had in my head and would always end up exhausted and feeling quite empty. Learning to appreciate and accept myself and all the unique qualities that I bring have been key to letting go of these pictures and living the true me.
Rosie, this is such mega super important subject. If we discard ourselves and disregard our body – we can not truly say that we live from who we are (in a women’s body). And it makes a lot of sense that the choices we have been making are based on ideals and believes that are actually super false and so upsetting us and our body – when we choose to go into them and believe them. So is it so important to come back to ourselves women and start to see and stop these evils thoughts, believes and ideals that make us so super unreal and protective about ourselves. We can end it – simply now by discarding the lies we have been fed.
Rosie I really love your honest blog. What you have so beautiful shared is something I also discovered and I only can agree that it it worth it “to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationship.” It is also important to do so to be an inspiration for our daughters – they should learn to be who they are and not to fall for all these ideals and beliefs.
I have built my life around pictures too Rosie, not even knowing who my true self is. Letting go of the pictures, ideals, beliefs and images of being perfect and trying to fit into what I think everyone wants me to be is exhausting. I have realised now, that the only way to deepen my relationships with others and remain true to myself is to build on the relationship with me first, and this takes a great deal of honesty and compassion for myself, but a journey worth taking.
I completely understand that fear of rejection, and trying to play-act out what images I have to please someone so they will not go away. This however, only tended to create a cage for both of us, with neither one feeling like they wanted to stay, but both of us feeling trapped. Since learning about just being myself however, things have changed, and I no longer fear rejection, it just no longer comes in to the picture as a possibility.
Is it possible that in assessing a potential relationship or being in the early stages of one, both the man and the woman are acting out the separate images and beliefs that they have set themselves as personal benchmarks or targets for being the perfect partner? They may have met and been attracted to each other’s real selves in the first place, only to begin to meet a fabricated version as things develop. This begs the question, ‘Who do we fall in love with?’ and also raises the implication that if we continue to set a foundation for the relationship based on our ideals and beliefs about who or how we should be for them and who or how they should be for us, then we are required to become actors, on stage every day, performing to the part and leaving our true selves in the dressing room. Not a great way to secure a loving relationship where we can offer to love and be loved for who we truly are.