I am going to share my personal experience of my unfolding relationship with my sexuality as a woman – from the experience of using my body and sex in a way that held me forever running in circles, to now, as I re-learn that I am indeed a woman with choice.
From my very first experience of having sex, I went about this not really wanting it to occur, but not knowing how to ask for anything different. I remember saying to my boyfriend at the time, ‘Whatever happens, I don’t want to have sex with you tonight’. Now I have lost count of how many times I have said this in my life, still with the experience of sex occurring.
This is in no way to blame the men I refer to – in fact it comes with the realisation that this choice has been mine all along. As much as I have played victim and felt like I have been used, I can now see far beyond this – and what a vision this is.
What I can see is that yes, it has been a two way street (as it takes two to tango), but in fact, I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I haven’t known how to deal with otherwise.
The reason I am sharing this is that recently I have had the perfect opportunity to repeat this old behavior, and for the first time in my life, I don’t want to, so I have made a different choice.
As soon as I felt myself make this choice to honour myself and take full responsibility for how I am with my body and with sex, it was as though a light shone on this entire aspect of my life. I have seen that as much as I have played victim in this, I in fact have been using another, as well as myself.
I can feel that in doing what I have always done, I am saying to myself and the other person: ‘Yeah this’ll do, we’re not really worth real love anyway so let’s get it on and get it over with’.
This is just crazy.
I love that I can now see this and not be in continual reaction to my old behaviours, which involved beating myself up for doing what I knew wasn’t good for me, then losing myself in a myriad of confusion and emotions… what a spiral.
I also love that this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all others. I am actually feeling myself take another person’s feelings into consideration and with this I can feel that naturally I am responsible for my actions and how my actions then affect others. I can feel the fact that I deeply care for people, and that I do not want to hurt another person.
This is so beautiful as I can also hear in this that I do not want to hurt me. I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.
Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am – who we all truly are.
I want to meet this love head on, say ‘Hello’ and welcome what love has come to teach me and move forward with this. Until now it has been so easy to hold back, pull the reins, play the games, spinning round and round, but now that I know otherwise it is up to me to live this. I am, a woman with a choice.