Having had three children, all very different in every single way, with absolutely no similarities even in their looks, it didn’t take me long to discover that what worked for one did not work for another.
I remember going into my second pregnancy feeling like it was my first, and having a friend share with me to treat it as that, and I found parenting them was no different – they were all as if they were my first – and three children in, I am still learning and feel like I am starting from scratch at times.
The only thing I could feel that was the same was they all needed the same quality and consistency from me: they needed to be parented, and that came from how I was with me first, then from me being fully with myself I could feel what they needed individually and how I could support them.
After having our first child I observed how easy it is to place them in front of a television to give me some time to get things done… a break. These days TV has been replaced by electronic devices in becoming the babysitter of the millennium. And what a great distraction… a child can be distracted by an electronic device for hours on end, allowing you as much time as possible.
In our case, we soon discovered that our daughter became quite despondent, distant and at times angry during and after watching television or using an electronic device. We started to cut back on the amount of television she watched, and electronic devices weren’t really a big thing when she was young so that was fairly easy to cut back, and out.
Eventually, after noticing a massive shift in her without watching television, we decided to stop watching TV altogether. It was a choice we had also made for ourselves earlier on so it was a natural next step for us. After all, if we could feel how television impacted on us and why we were choosing to watch it in the first place, then she was definitely being affected equally so.
Again, the choices we made when it came to parenting our children first came from us and what we had felt, and watching television for us felt like a distraction: it took us away from feeling what was needed, and from being able to take into account each child individually – each one needing different routines, rhythms, boundaries and consequences.
Even though each child is different, there is a level of consistency that each child needs to feel from us as parents. This includes a willingness to be present in each moment to be able to feel what is needed, rather than going into ticking the boxes or wanting to look good. It also includes not being afraid to stand out or shy away from the reactions of others because we choose to parent our children in a way that is different and at times confronting for others.
I see myself as their guardian until such point in time that they are old enough to make their own choices. Being a parent has allowed me to commit to my own level of and quality of livingness, to connect to and feel what is needed in each moment for each child as an individual, but also taking the whole into consideration.
There is no off time when you are parenting children – you are always on. I know through my own observations in the home the impact electronic devices, unhealthy foods, routines and rhythms have on our children and it is not a life I choose for them.
Don’t get me wrong: at times it can be challenging – being ‘on’ all the time asks me to not go for the distraction or quick fix. But being ‘off’ – I have discovered very quickly – is far worse, and for me parenting is not at all ‘in-joyable’ when I am looking to escape, even if it is just for a second.
I appreciate every day all that our children have brought to us, and at such a young age have shown me the absolute glory there is in loving and deeply caring for myself.
I also deeply appreciate and am forever ‘great-full’ to Serge Benhayon for reflecting and living true family, for without this reflection, I would not have the family or children I have today.
Blessed in every way for these children being sent, and an absolute honour to be their guardian for the lives they have chosen this time around.
Published with permission from my husband.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
Re-claiming the Responsibility of Being a Parent
Parenting from the Heart
Mothering, Me and Serge Benhayon
330 Comments
All children are different and the way we parent may bring a slightly different tone and expression that supports each one but the truth lies in holding consistency in our lives that reflects far greater in the loving and stable support our children need.
Busting the myth that there is a right or wrong way to parent, this article invites me to consider a much bigger picture than my sometimes restricted view of parenting; honouring every child as someone unique, an equal learner in life and here to develop and deepen in relationships.
Children are beings who descend for their next life experience to evolve.
The love is what we can bring by our livingness during their lives the rest is up to them and their karma.
Like children we love to think we can treat every moment like one from the past. We like to try to apply old solutions to new days. By running on repeat we run ourselves into the ground and miss the opportunity to trust our feelings and just live. Thank you Nicole.
As someone who is recently pregnant – it really feels so different the second time – and as if it is brand new. It is like I can’t compare it because my body won’t let me remember it or hold onto it. I love this experience – this experimentation. It is so confirming that no 2 babies are the same.
” they all needed the same quality and consistency from me: they needed to be parented, and that came from how I was with me first, then from me being fully with myself I could feel what they needed individually and how I could support them.” So beautiful to know and makes so much sense as connected to ourselves deeply we know what is needed and that love knows everything we need to know for our children and everyone uniquely .
Every moment of life is unique, and requires us to treat it as such – the only parts that repeats are our patterns, ideals and beliefs. Everything you share about children Nicole applies to our whole life too.
so simple in making raising kids about quality first. How beautiful. It really can be that simple and this sharing shows the power of letting kids just be who they are.
Role modelling the same consistency of quality and connection to our innermost can create such a feeling of trust and safety for a child, allowing them to trust and follow their own innermost connection.
Every one of us wants to be met, loved, cherished and honoured deeply, we know when we are being supported, judged or dictated to, and we can all feel when someone is consistent in their own life, genuine or talking about something they themselves don’t live. There is no one way to parent, but the foundation of love, truth and honouring as well as a consistent reflection of living a responsible and caring life is hugely supportive for us all.
Sitting here pondering on learning to always be ‘on’. I don’t have children but that doesn’t mean I am void of that lesson. Life has a way of showing all of us the same lessons but tailored to us just as parenting different children can be as you’ve shared.
We are all unique, we bring different qualities and what we offer the world. My children were and are very different in some ways, and equally what I learnt and still learn from them is different.
We try to fit parenting into boxes, we constantly look around us for a model of parenting that works, we take what we see as the good bits and leave what we see as the bad bits which we try to fit into a picture of parenting which doesn’t work. What you are describing here of being their caretaker and guiding them until they are old enough to make their own choices takes away the need for guilt and blame and allows each individual to have their own unique expression.
We were having a discussion about this today over breakfast, about how different it would be to engage children in topics that inspire them, and then to include the things that education requires of them like writing, spelling and maths. This is how we support those with learning difficulties but really we could learn from it for everyone, and honour the individual forms of the one loving expression that we all are.
We could be in a room full of people who have all experienced the same set of circumstances, ie a divorce, or even all been witness to the same thing however our personal experiences of it would all be very different. Therefore we could not assume that everyone would need to be treated in the same way in terms of the support they may need. The same is true for children, who all have their own take on life and how they cope with it or not, so it goes without saying that every child needs parenting according to their own needs.
I completely agree with you Nicole that when we make choices in how to parent our children it has to come from our own way of life, what we have felt as the truth, that’s the only way to teach our children the notion of responsibility. Children have a very strong radar and will immediately feel when something comes from our ‘head’ so to speak.
We are definitely not all the same in our expression but we are also definitely the same when it comes to being love, harmony, love, joy and truth. We are exactly the same in our essence and the best parenting can be done from being connected to this essence ourselves.
Sharing a one unifying truth in our essence and having unique expressions of this, like different angles from the same point of light.
‘Are all children the same?’ Well are all adults the same? Yes and no. We all have blood in our veins, the same colour red, we all learn or don’t learn, we all love or don’t love, and the same can be said for children. We are all unique aspects of divinity and when we all shine we shine the all.
It is interesting to read how the 3 children all needed a different way of approach.
As i just had one child this life time and wonderi g how it works when youallow for example one thing for one kid and not for the other.
And indeed the consistency as parents and the being present are important aspect of a loving education.
Reading about TV distracting from knowing what is needed is so poignant. How different would my life be if I choose to say yes to being aware each evening ready for the day as to whatever has bothered me during the day that I have ignored.
Being fully with ourselves enables us to feel how to be in life, with ourselves and with others, ‘they needed to be parented, and that came from how I was with me first, then from me being fully with myself I could feel what they needed individually and how I could support them.’
Children are beautiful emanations of the one Soul but each with different expressions.
It is so true that we can hold the same quality with all children but that their expression will differ from child to child. And so it shows the importance of as a parent, having a solid reflection to our children and allowing them to explore how they express this in their own way.
When there are moments in my day where there is not a willingness to be present with my children but to switch off and distract myself what am I avoiding or running away from? I am not only running away from feeling what is needed but avoiding the connection to self. The connection to self is first; in that moment choosing connection to myself is love.
And is this where our true responsibility comes in… not a burdensome thing, but the willingness to (and joy of) staying open to learning and not running away from anything?
Beautiful Nicole, gorgeous light you shed on parenting, how we are opened to see more truth on our parenting and that in fact it is never meant to be the same. This takes the pressure of that we can listen more to our feelings and less to images, ideals and beliefs that we have been brought up with or the way we have set up our society, communities.
Children react when we as parents are not on it, it feels like a responsibility of being a parent to be on and not check out, they rebel, play up and cause issues when they do not feel that you are aware, present and supportive. When we are on it, it offers a them a steady and consistent foundation as they grow, this can not be underestimated.
Well said Samantha, and, in truth, this goes for all our relationships.
I love what you share here, Nicole, ‘The only thing I could feel that was the same was they all needed the same quality and consistency from me: they needed to be parented, and that came from how I was with me first, then from me being fully with myself I could feel what they needed individually and how I could support them’. Energy works through our children in the same way it works through us and we can feel our buttons being well and truly pushed at times, which is why it is so important to come back and re-connect with ourselves before we go into reaction. Then we allow the space to feel into what is needed in that moment.
Asking whether children all need to be parented the same is like asking if we all need to dress the same; it’s possible, but does this appreciate everyone’s individual expression and flair?
When we hold expectations with our kids they start to learn very quickly that they can’t just be themselves and resort when very young, to trying to please and perform for parents, and I see that regularly at my work.
Letting kids check out in front of the TV or by using electronic devices or gaming has its price further down the line. It might buy a bit of time and space in the short term but longer term it leads to alienation, lack of communication and moodiness, amongst other things.
They are also becoming the lost generation and prime candidates for lowering the age of the onset of dementia.