Having had three children, all very different in every single way, with absolutely no similarities even in their looks, it didn’t take me long to discover that what worked for one did not work for another.
I remember going into my second pregnancy feeling like it was my first, and having a friend share with me to treat it as that, and I found parenting them was no different – they were all as if they were my first – and three children in, I am still learning and feel like I am starting from scratch at times.
The only thing I could feel that was the same was they all needed the same quality and consistency from me: they needed to be parented, and that came from how I was with me first, then from me being fully with myself I could feel what they needed individually and how I could support them.
After having our first child I observed how easy it is to place them in front of a television to give me some time to get things done… a break. These days TV has been replaced by electronic devices in becoming the babysitter of the millennium. And what a great distraction… a child can be distracted by an electronic device for hours on end, allowing you as much time as possible.
In our case, we soon discovered that our daughter became quite despondent, distant and at times angry during and after watching television or using an electronic device. We started to cut back on the amount of television she watched, and electronic devices weren’t really a big thing when she was young so that was fairly easy to cut back, and out.
Eventually, after noticing a massive shift in her without watching television, we decided to stop watching TV altogether. It was a choice we had also made for ourselves earlier on so it was a natural next step for us. After all, if we could feel how television impacted on us and why we were choosing to watch it in the first place, then she was definitely being affected equally so.
Again, the choices we made when it came to parenting our children first came from us and what we had felt, and watching television for us felt like a distraction: it took us away from feeling what was needed, and from being able to take into account each child individually – each one needing different routines, rhythms, boundaries and consequences.
Even though each child is different, there is a level of consistency that each child needs to feel from us as parents. This includes a willingness to be present in each moment to be able to feel what is needed, rather than going into ticking the boxes or wanting to look good. It also includes not being afraid to stand out or shy away from the reactions of others because we choose to parent our children in a way that is different and at times confronting for others.
I see myself as their guardian until such point in time that they are old enough to make their own choices. Being a parent has allowed me to commit to my own level of and quality of livingness, to connect to and feel what is needed in each moment for each child as an individual, but also taking the whole into consideration.
There is no off time when you are parenting children – you are always on. I know through my own observations in the home the impact electronic devices, unhealthy foods, routines and rhythms have on our children and it is not a life I choose for them.
Don’t get me wrong: at times it can be challenging – being ‘on’ all the time asks me to not go for the distraction or quick fix. But being ‘off’ – I have discovered very quickly – is far worse, and for me parenting is not at all ‘in-joyable’ when I am looking to escape, even if it is just for a second.
I appreciate every day all that our children have brought to us, and at such a young age have shown me the absolute glory there is in loving and deeply caring for myself.
I also deeply appreciate and am forever ‘great-full’ to Serge Benhayon for reflecting and living true family, for without this reflection, I would not have the family or children I have today.
Blessed in every way for these children being sent, and an absolute honour to be their guardian for the lives they have chosen this time around.
Published with permission from my husband.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
Re-claiming the Responsibility of Being a Parent
Parenting from the Heart
Mothering, Me and Serge Benhayon
359 Comments
“… they all needed the same quality and consistency from me: ” Very true – then we can feel what each child needs in any given moment.
Beautiful Nicole, thank you for sharing. I love how you describe yourself as your children’s guardian until they are able to make their own choices.
The interesting thing I’ve been noting about parenting and without having a child myself is seeing how parenting can also and equally be applied to adults too when there is the loving parenting of oneself.
Nicole, I have also discovered this; ‘But being ‘off’ – I have discovered very quickly – is far worse, and for me parenting is not at all ‘in-joyable’ when I am looking to escape, even if it is just for a second.’ I have observed that if I react, if I try and escape, if I try and avoid what is going on then this simply does not work. I have noticed that dealing with things as they happen, staying present in my body and expressing how I feel and calling out what doesn’t feel loving is a much truer and more enjoyable way to parent.
I can see from your writing, how complicated parenting can be, with so many different needs coming from our children. But then you also show how simple it can be and actually if each child is regarded as their own person, with their own journey, which has its own set of challenges, then t is not the case complicated multitasking, but rather supporting and developing people with all of you and the skills that you have.
I too have observed the ill effects of children spending too much time with games and screen time and I know myself how much I like to get away from them.
A beautiful honouring and understanding offered here Nicole’ that we are guardians of our children. Never are they ours or do we own them, for as soon as we think we do we are imposing on them our emotional needs that selfishly hinder their learning and our fostering of their understanding of how to live knowing who they are and how to live their true power in the world as they grow up.
Knowing how to read a child and what is truly going on for them is a parents greatest ally.
The art to parenting is ‘reading’ – reading whats actually going on with them and why, many children are playing out past life fears and hurts – when we understand this we can work better with them to bring about healing.
I think it’s really wise how you say that all children need a consistency in the quality and presence that we bring to them but how this looks in terms of routines/ rhythms and so forth may differ naturally so…
I know that when I was growing up I was vastly different from my sisters therefore we did need to be parented differently. However no-one know about it back then so it is lovely to know of families who are doing this today.
Loving consistence is a key factor in raising children it gives them a sense of safety and trust where they can grow and expand who they truly are.
Offering them the space to work through what may feel like challenges yet reflect the imperfections of the world and how we learn and grow amongst it all.
Being consistent in our quality of connection to ourselves and others is the greatest reflection we can offer another.
When there is consistency we are offered what is needed for everyone at that moment and it is this that holds the quality and expression for each and everyone.
I have a young toddler who continues to show us how sensitive she is. When she spends time on any devices – it really effects her – and so we have to work as a family to be responsible and allow her to understand that she simply can’t handle them. Once we honour this, and explain it to her – she is fine – but this is a way of raising children in an accountable way that means they start to understand the effects of these gadgets.
Beautiful to hear that a simple explanation sufficed re I.T. I remember my young son going off the wall after drinking orange juice many years ago now. He can even recall it and we have a laugh now, but it wasn’t easy at the time to explain how his body really couldn’t handle it.