A beautiful Sunday summer’s morning in Australia… blue skies, cool breezes and the sounds of cicadas and kookaburras fill the air. My partner and I discuss how to spend our day and feel that it is time for our sixteen-month-old to have his first haircut.
Our son came into this world with the finest of short blonde hair and over the months it grew slowly. Today the hair on his crown is thin, straight and requires little attention as it takes its flow in the same direction each day, circling his crown and following suit are those hairs that lead to the front. However, the rear strands of hair and those around his ears grew quickly; they would curl when wet and fly sideways in the breeze and regardless of how absolutely adorable and cute they were, they began to get in the way and we felt they’d be causing some discomfort when they’d get caught in his neck fold during the hot summer nights and days.
So we gathered the highchair and hair clippers, my partner sharing with him how he cuts his own hair whilst our son spent the time ever so gently brushing mine. It was really simple.
We both felt the immediate change as his little locks hit the floor like feathers from the sky above. What we noticed was that there was no time to be sad or miss them because we could so visibly see and tangibly feel that the change was due; most importantly our son was ready and so we couldn’t let any emotions get in the way of what he needed at the time.
Afterwards I realised just how exquisite it is to see and allow our beautiful boy to grow into the handsome and independent young man that I already know him to be. For months now I have felt deep within me that he is not at all a baby anymore and that I would be disrespecting him to treat him as one. Of course, he requires us as adults to support and care for him in every way and I don’t ever dismiss this importance.
But in our son’s short life he has already taught me more about myself than I’d been aware of before, proving that he is just an equal teacher and parent for me as I am to him.
If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.
His locks could literally be symbolic of locking us into an emotional relationship together for a long time, where neither of us would take the next steps in our own potential or take seriously the responsibility we have to continue to evolve and show the world the essence and truth of who we are.
Supporting our son to cut his hair for the first time has been healing for all of us; a sign of the next transitional period of life that we are indeed all ready for and offering us a moment to let go of the ways we have all been with each other in our family unit, that are now finalised and complete. Our son is walking and talking these days and with his beautiful ‘new do’ to boot, he is revolutionising a path forward for all people to have the trust in themselves to know what is next, what is true, and to choose it for themselves without hesitation.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Cherise Holt, 34, Nurse and Mother, Brisbane Australia
Further Reading:
True Relationship with Self
Staying Vulnerable
What is we gave children the space to develop at their own pace?
368 Comments
Your blog has reminded me of a haircut my son had when he was about three, 15 years ago. We had been to this hairdresser before, but this time she roughly sat him in the chair and pushed (shoved) the towel down into the neck of his t-shirt. My son grimmaced while she was doing this – it was a red flag but I dismissed my concerns and let her carry on. She continued to be rough with him as she cut his hair and he started squirming in the seat. She then told me to come over and hold his head so that she could finish. I spoke to my son in soothing words, saying it was almost over and it was, however the incident left us both so traumatised that I told him he didn’t have to have his haircut again until he was ready to. It was during the winter about a year and a half later that he came home one day with his hat on, having been out with his father. He walked right up to me with a beaming smile on his face and took his hat off – he had had his hair cut! I gathered him up and we danced around the room laughing in celebration – it was a most magical moment that instantly healed the traumatic memory.
‘But in our son’s short life he has already taught me more about myself than I’d been aware of before, proving that he is just an equal teacher and parent for me as I am to him.’ I wonder how many parents are ever encouraged to consider this when there is often so much critique of parents needing to get it right all the time. As soon as we fear we’re doing something wrong in relation to an outside measure then we’ve lost our connection to our inner knowing because we’re focusing on the outer. Without this connection it’s difficult to see and appreciate the lessons on hand for us in every aspect of our day. I do not have children but have other areas of life where, if I go in assuming I’m the one who’s got to deliver and it’s a one way street, I could be missing out on so much. This is great to acknowledge and review how I am, my whole attitude, and be totally open to being a student together with another.
‘If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.’ Beautifully said Cherise – super important to embrace.
As you say Cherise, we can login, as parents, into emotional pictures and patterns that inhibit and restrict everyone concerned
It is uncanny how whenever I am disconnected to the bigger picture and cut off from a sense of the expansiveness which each moment offers, I try to re-create a sense of purpose by holding to what has already passed.
Now this is very interesting. What once was purposeful may have been completed and now another purpose is there which, if I have disconnected, I will not know. Today I was walking along a seafront and feeling sad, I was letting go of a lot of hopes for my future I once created in my past and have never fulfilled. I welcomed seeing and feeling it knowing it was all an illusion and the more I allowed myself to see the more I could let go of.
I’ve often felt a sense of sad nostalgia in my life and this too crept in, especially around hopes attached to unlived potentials in relationships and life. Again I was like, great, feel all that too because once the hurts have healed I return to the beauty of life in simplicity.
Raising kids is a constant unfolding in letting go and as I allow myself to become aware and feel every step of the way to the best of my ability, I let go of the attachment for I know holding my children back in any way, shape or form will bring about unforeseen consequences coming my way.
I love this; ‘he is revolutionising a path forward for all people to have the trust in themselves to know what is next, what is true, and to choose it for themselves without hesitation.’ It makes me realise that it is important to develop and evolve and not stay stuck in old ways and patterns.
Cherise, I find this article really supportive for letting go of attachment for our children to be a certain way and especially for wanting them to stay young and treating them as a baby. It feels great to support them to grow and develop when they are ready.
In our openness to the ‘more’ that is always on offer for us to embrace and allow we support, encourage and inspire each other to grow and evolve to live more of who we are in essence.
Allowing a child to develop and grow without regrets or hanging on to the previous stage, but embracing the new stage is true parenting, nourishing nudging and nurturing them along the way.
It is amazing the hooks and images we have to pull us into a particular type of response and relationship with things. For example when I see the photo of a gorgeously tender child and read the caption “baby’s first haircut” I seem o automatically go into that gooey kind of state of ‘cute’, ‘baby’, ‘ahhh’. But when I reflect on this blog I realise how this automatic response can be patronising and so very lacking of honouring of the small person in front of me.
Love the call for stopping and sensing what is actually required to honour and empower everyone in that moment.
There is a lot of attachment to when the children are small and a looking back as if those days were more important. Personally, I’ve never been a one for having photos all over the place and did not want to hold my children in the past of how they used to look. I preferred to enjoy and embrace whatever age they were at any given stage of their life, so the baby pictures had to go.
It’s so lovely for us to not have any pictures or attachments. Apparently a first haircut is a big deal and you need to save hair and all sorts – but it’s just hair at the end of the day – and if an ‘Ignacio haircut’ helps support the child to see properly then I am all for it – letting go of pictures
I agree Cherise, if we remain open to children we learn so much from them, the wisdom and love they share is a precious thing.
Each time we get our haircut is like the beginning of a new cycle. Out with the old and in with the new on as many levels as we can allow, accept and appreciate.
At times we make baby’s first hair cut an emotional event, but in truth it is just the next step in humans life and when considered as such we only can celebrate such an event for the blessing that it brings.
A wise way to relate to any change in life, celebrate it for the opportunity for growth, expansion and deepening which is offered.
Our children are not emotional on their first hair cut, it can be his or her parent or relatives that make this the case. So who is the most intelligent in this case?
I have watched my neighbour move from a little boy into a gorgeous young man. The haircut is a significant path taken in claiming the next phase of development and holding him with buckets of love as he begins to feel and live what comes with the cycles of development. A true honour as a parent.
Simply beautiful example of how children can reflect the way forward where our beliefs and ideals have no place.
‘If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.’ Cherise, there is such wisdom in this article. I can feel as parents that we can get attached to our children being a certain way, rather than supporting them to grow and evolve, this feels very stunting and it feels beautiful to enjoy and support our children to grow up and becoming young adults.
Cherise, this article is really helpful to read; ‘Afterwards I realised just how exquisite it is to see and allow our beautiful boy to grow into the handsome and independent young man that I already know him to be.’ It feels really important to not have an attachment to our children being a certain way – for example young and with cute curls. I remember when my son was very young and had gorgeous curls that I wanted them to stay this way, I can also feel how there can be a feeling of not wanting children to grow up. So your article is great and will help parents to support their children to grow and evolve when the child is ready.
Indeed, as parents we can have the tendency to protect our children from growing up, to protect them for the hard and ‘dangerous’ outside world. But that is not the way to go as in that behaviour we do not allow our children to be who they are. As when they can be strong in that they will be equally strong in that so called hard and dangerous outer world too.
What if the only thing stunting our growth in relationships, family or even a career is our own ideals about where we should be or how the growth, promotion etc. should look?
Great Question Susie, what if that is it – what if our growth is determined by our willingness to evolve or hold onto pictures of what that evolution should be like.
I view each time I have a haircut as a time of letting go of the recent past and as an opportunity to sense and embrace the next step in my life, which my new hair style symbolises.
We can fixate and hold on to things that no longer serve – and create false ideals that make us feel safe. But all they do is hold us back from evolving.
Loved reading this sentence: “most importantly our son was ready and so we couldn’t let any emotions get in the way of what he needed at the time.” So frequently I get the sense that something is no longer required, or it is time for a shift and a refinement . How wonderfully honouring of everyone concerned to pay attention and not let our ideals and emotions limit the expansion being offered.
I love the understanding of the symbolism you have come to here Cherise, having an awareness not to cap the potential of the relationships in the house with the family dynamics, knowing and embracing that they will be forever evolving.
To evolve brings with it no images or beliefs of family life and all that live together rather a realness that supports one another and the space to do so.
Each haircut is a letting go of certain period, so that we can move on to the next. If it is done with love, it can indeed be a support for ourselves and others.
If we have a horrible experience, we tend to blacklist the thing we did as ‘bad’ but forget to account for the energy it was delivered in. So often it’s this that is brutal and what makes us sad.
Beautiful for the parents to realise that they don’t know it all, instead being open to receive the wisdom and teaching that our young children bring to us as an equal part of our evolving together.
Agreed Jill, the more we are open to feeling what is needed next, how to raise our kids – what supports them and what does not. The more we transform parenting for the generations to come.
I see a lot of children’s haircuts and they feel so harsh like their parents have wilfully dulled down their child’s light. I guess that goes to show there are many things in this world that can be transformed when they are done with love. We don’t need to work out the details just stay true to this quality.
The belief that we know more or are the wiser ones than our youngers is such ingrained belief. Once we do however let go what you share about the evolution and potential for all expands. Such a grander way of living.
How amazing would it be if we treated ourselves with the same level of preciousness as we treat our children?
Great question, and it would be amazing Elizabeth. I too notice that a majority of adults do not treat ourselves with preciousness, tenderness and care like the way we would treat a baby.
It is pretty cool how your son is revolutionising the path forward for you to have the trust in yourself and not get stuck in the past but to embrace what is next and what is true. It is delightful for you and your son to have this openness.
Gill I had the same feeling and with our own daughter we are learning its evolution for us all not teaching her anything but learning together.
Learning true parenting is an amazing gift for all concerned and brings an aliveness, vitality and joy into bringing up children and ourselves in the glory of who we are.
We don’t go there nearly enough. I don’t go there nearly enough, but I have found whenever I do choose to truly open up to the essence of whoever is in front of me, and let myself appreciate the potential for expansion and evolution that exists in the meeting of any two or more people, my response to them completely changes and deepens and I feel immeasurably enriched. I love the fact that your relationship with your son reflected that from early on.
Cherise, this is so gorgeous; ‘If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.’ I can feel that I have had the tendency to hold onto baby teeth and baby pictures and hair and that actually what is really important, rather than being attached to the past, is to allow my son to change and evolve when the time is right for him.
The ideals and beliefs we have gathered about family are immense and the letting them go reveals a true and free way to relate to one another. Children are never less than adults, the ideals we have picked up so we remain less as humanity and not evolutionary on the whole is alarming.
Could in fact parenting not be about us and our needs or desires, but about tuning into what is right for each child and helping them develop their own way and their own knowing of who they are in life?
Meg It could indeed, we find that with our daughter the more we support her to develop into the amazing person she is the greater our role as parents is – or better put we are actually then doing our job as parents instead of imposing what we think will bring her protection in life from the horrific state we see the world is in.
I agree Meg, how common is it that we bring our children up to our own desires and wishes and even if we do not intend to we unconsciously do if we have not resolved our own hurts and needs. This simply shows how parenting starts with ourselves, starts with the love and care we bring to ourselves and the willingness to learn and look at our own hurts. It is a simple equation, the clearer we are within our own the lesser we will impose our unfulfilled desires onto our children.
Brilliant question Meg. This is the best way to parent if we are open to tune into and connect to our children to this level of depth and quality. Also, raising our children to support them with their evolution and not for self-recognition would be a great start.