A beautiful Sunday summer’s morning in Australia… blue skies, cool breezes and the sounds of cicadas and kookaburras fill the air. My partner and I discuss how to spend our day and feel that it is time for our sixteen-month-old to have his first haircut.
Our son came into this world with the finest of short blonde hair and over the months it grew slowly. Today the hair on his crown is thin, straight and requires little attention as it takes its flow in the same direction each day, circling his crown and following suit are those hairs that lead to the front. However, the rear strands of hair and those around his ears grew quickly; they would curl when wet and fly sideways in the breeze and regardless of how absolutely adorable and cute they were, they began to get in the way and we felt they’d be causing some discomfort when they’d get caught in his neck fold during the hot summer nights and days.
So we gathered the highchair and hair clippers, my partner sharing with him how he cuts his own hair whilst our son spent the time ever so gently brushing mine. It was really simple.
We both felt the immediate change as his little locks hit the floor like feathers from the sky above. What we noticed was that there was no time to be sad or miss them because we could so visibly see and tangibly feel that the change was due; most importantly our son was ready and so we couldn’t let any emotions get in the way of what he needed at the time.
Afterwards I realised just how exquisite it is to see and allow our beautiful boy to grow into the handsome and independent young man that I already know him to be. For months now I have felt deep within me that he is not at all a baby anymore and that I would be disrespecting him to treat him as one. Of course, he requires us as adults to support and care for him in every way and I don’t ever dismiss this importance.
But in our son’s short life he has already taught me more about myself than I’d been aware of before, proving that he is just an equal teacher and parent for me as I am to him.
If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.
His locks could literally be symbolic of locking us into an emotional relationship together for a long time, where neither of us would take the next steps in our own potential or take seriously the responsibility we have to continue to evolve and show the world the essence and truth of who we are.
Supporting our son to cut his hair for the first time has been healing for all of us; a sign of the next transitional period of life that we are indeed all ready for and offering us a moment to let go of the ways we have all been with each other in our family unit, that are now finalised and complete. Our son is walking and talking these days and with his beautiful ‘new do’ to boot, he is revolutionising a path forward for all people to have the trust in themselves to know what is next, what is true, and to choose it for themselves without hesitation.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Cherise Holt, 34, Nurse and Mother, Brisbane Australia
True Relationship with Self
What is we gave children the space to develop at their own pace?
To me children are such a great reflection reminding us always how knowing they are naturally so and this support adults to remember we also have the same knowing if we listened to our bodies and not to our minds.
Letting go of any attachment we have around family with the ensuing ownership of any aspect of life that caps us and the child deepens our connection thus being connected acknowledges that as parents the communicatively raising of any child allows a child to re-connect with their Soul, Essence, Inner-most-heart / Esoteric as long as Truly-loving-boundaries are set consistently by all from day one.
Gorgeous to hear how your son is teaching you and you are becoming aware of other things you were unaware of. What an awesome gift these bundles of magic are.
My mother held onto my locks from my first haircut for ever and how disempowering that would have been for her and the relationship that I was held in, so thank you Cherise for opening up this for discussion as it lays the platform for so many truths.
Beautiful appreciation of the wisdom that comes through children.
What a joy it is to feel the power of your words and how much appreciation you have for the empowerment of being in our essences, thank you Cherise.
Love the appreciation you share here, the love you have with your son is inspiring, to often mothers get caught in over emotional love very refreshing when you can see and feel a mum who is aware of the bigger picture and willing to learn from her son.
I love how little children just know and can read energy, today I was at the swimming pool when I said hello to the swim instructor, she was with a little child probably around 2, I waved at him and gave him a big smile, the little boy turned round and said to his instructor ” I love her” and yet I never had met him before!
So lovely how young children can feel the intention of others, you can also see this when children play with each other their natural openness is very cute and very inspiring.
This is beautiful to read, and yes we can learn so much from our children, ‘in our son’s short life he has already taught me more about myself than I’d been aware of before, proving that he is just an equal teacher and parent for me as I am to him.’
Your blog has reminded me of a haircut my son had when he was about three, 15 years ago. We had been to this hairdresser before, but this time she roughly sat him in the chair and pushed (shoved) the towel down into the neck of his t-shirt. My son grimmaced while she was doing this – it was a red flag but I dismissed my concerns and let her carry on. She continued to be rough with him as she cut his hair and he started squirming in the seat. She then told me to come over and hold his head so that she could finish. I spoke to my son in soothing words, saying it was almost over and it was, however the incident left us both so traumatised that I told him he didn’t have to have his haircut again until he was ready to. It was during the winter about a year and a half later that he came home one day with his hat on, having been out with his father. He walked right up to me with a beaming smile on his face and took his hat off – he had had his hair cut! I gathered him up and we danced around the room laughing in celebration – it was a most magical moment that instantly healed the traumatic memory.
‘But in our son’s short life he has already taught me more about myself than I’d been aware of before, proving that he is just an equal teacher and parent for me as I am to him.’ I wonder how many parents are ever encouraged to consider this when there is often so much critique of parents needing to get it right all the time. As soon as we fear we’re doing something wrong in relation to an outside measure then we’ve lost our connection to our inner knowing because we’re focusing on the outer. Without this connection it’s difficult to see and appreciate the lessons on hand for us in every aspect of our day. I do not have children but have other areas of life where, if I go in assuming I’m the one who’s got to deliver and it’s a one way street, I could be missing out on so much. This is great to acknowledge and review how I am, my whole attitude, and be totally open to being a student together with another.
‘If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.’ Beautifully said Cherise – super important to embrace.
As you say Cherise, we can login, as parents, into emotional pictures and patterns that inhibit and restrict everyone concerned
It is uncanny how whenever I am disconnected to the bigger picture and cut off from a sense of the expansiveness which each moment offers, I try to re-create a sense of purpose by holding to what has already passed.
Now this is very interesting. What once was purposeful may have been completed and now another purpose is there which, if I have disconnected, I will not know. Today I was walking along a seafront and feeling sad, I was letting go of a lot of hopes for my future I once created in my past and have never fulfilled. I welcomed seeing and feeling it knowing it was all an illusion and the more I allowed myself to see the more I could let go of.
I’ve often felt a sense of sad nostalgia in my life and this too crept in, especially around hopes attached to unlived potentials in relationships and life. Again I was like, great, feel all that too because once the hurts have healed I return to the beauty of life in simplicity.
Raising kids is a constant unfolding in letting go and as I allow myself to become aware and feel every step of the way to the best of my ability, I let go of the attachment for I know holding my children back in any way, shape or form will bring about unforeseen consequences coming my way.
I love this; ‘he is revolutionising a path forward for all people to have the trust in themselves to know what is next, what is true, and to choose it for themselves without hesitation.’ It makes me realise that it is important to develop and evolve and not stay stuck in old ways and patterns.
Cherise, I find this article really supportive for letting go of attachment for our children to be a certain way and especially for wanting them to stay young and treating them as a baby. It feels great to support them to grow and develop when they are ready.
In our openness to the ‘more’ that is always on offer for us to embrace and allow we support, encourage and inspire each other to grow and evolve to live more of who we are in essence.
It is amazing the hooks and images we have to pull us into a particular type of response and relationship with things. For example when I see the photo of a gorgeously tender child and read the caption “baby’s first haircut” I seem o automatically go into that gooey kind of state of ‘cute’, ‘baby’, ‘ahhh’. But when I reflect on this blog I realise how this automatic response can be patronising and so very lacking of honouring of the small person in front of me.
Love the call for stopping and sensing what is actually required to honour and empower everyone in that moment.
There is a lot of attachment to when the children are small and a looking back as if those days were more important. Personally, I’ve never been a one for having photos all over the place and did not want to hold my children in the past of how they used to look. I preferred to enjoy and embrace whatever age they were at any given stage of their life, so the baby pictures had to go.
It’s so lovely for us to not have any pictures or attachments. Apparently a first haircut is a big deal and you need to save hair and all sorts – but it’s just hair at the end of the day – and if an ‘Ignacio haircut’ helps support the child to see properly then I am all for it – letting go of pictures
To evolve brings with it no images or beliefs of family life and all that live together rather a realness that supports one another and the space to do so.
I agree Cherise, if we remain open to children we learn so much from them, the wisdom and love they share is a precious thing.
Each time we get our haircut is like the beginning of a new cycle. Out with the old and in with the new on as many levels as we can allow, accept and appreciate.
At times we make baby’s first hair cut an emotional event, but in truth it is just the next step in humans life and when considered as such we only can celebrate such an event for the blessing that it brings.
A wise way to relate to any change in life, celebrate it for the opportunity for growth, expansion and deepening which is offered.
I like what you share above Golnaz, about a wise way to relate to any change in life is for us to, ‘celebrate it for the opportunity for growth, expansion and deepening which is offered.’
Our children are not emotional on their first hair cut, it can be his or her parent or relatives that make this the case. So who is the most intelligent in this case?
I have watched my neighbour move from a little boy into a gorgeous young man. The haircut is a significant path taken in claiming the next phase of development and holding him with buckets of love as he begins to feel and live what comes with the cycles of development. A true honour as a parent.
Simply beautiful example of how children can reflect the way forward where our beliefs and ideals have no place.
‘If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.’ Cherise, there is such wisdom in this article. I can feel as parents that we can get attached to our children being a certain way, rather than supporting them to grow and evolve, this feels very stunting and it feels beautiful to enjoy and support our children to grow up and becoming young adults.
Cherise, this article is really helpful to read; ‘Afterwards I realised just how exquisite it is to see and allow our beautiful boy to grow into the handsome and independent young man that I already know him to be.’ It feels really important to not have an attachment to our children being a certain way – for example young and with cute curls. I remember when my son was very young and had gorgeous curls that I wanted them to stay this way, I can also feel how there can be a feeling of not wanting children to grow up. So your article is great and will help parents to support their children to grow and evolve when the child is ready.
Indeed, as parents we can have the tendency to protect our children from growing up, to protect them for the hard and ‘dangerous’ outside world. But that is not the way to go as in that behaviour we do not allow our children to be who they are. As when they can be strong in that they will be equally strong in that so called hard and dangerous outer world too.
What if the only thing stunting our growth in relationships, family or even a career is our own ideals about where we should be or how the growth, promotion etc. should look?
Great Question Susie, what if that is it – what if our growth is determined by our willingness to evolve or hold onto pictures of what that evolution should be like.
We can fixate and hold on to things that no longer serve – and create false ideals that make us feel safe. But all they do is hold us back from evolving.
Loved reading this sentence: “most importantly our son was ready and so we couldn’t let any emotions get in the way of what he needed at the time.” So frequently I get the sense that something is no longer required, or it is time for a shift and a refinement . How wonderfully honouring of everyone concerned to pay attention and not let our ideals and emotions limit the expansion being offered.
Each haircut is a letting go of certain period, so that we can move on to the next. If it is done with love, it can indeed be a support for ourselves and others.
If we have a horrible experience, we tend to blacklist the thing we did as ‘bad’ but forget to account for the energy it was delivered in. So often it’s this that is brutal and what makes us sad.
Beautiful for the parents to realise that they don’t know it all, instead being open to receive the wisdom and teaching that our young children bring to us as an equal part of our evolving together.
Agreed Jill, the more we are open to feeling what is needed next, how to raise our kids – what supports them and what does not. The more we transform parenting for the generations to come.
Gill I had the same feeling and with our own daughter we are learning its evolution for us all not teaching her anything but learning together.
I see a lot of children’s haircuts and they feel so harsh like their parents have wilfully dulled down their child’s light. I guess that goes to show there are many things in this world that can be transformed when they are done with love. We don’t need to work out the details just stay true to this quality.
The belief that we know more or are the wiser ones than our youngers is such ingrained belief. Once we do however let go what you share about the evolution and potential for all expands. Such a grander way of living.
How amazing would it be if we treated ourselves with the same level of preciousness as we treat our children?
Great question, and it would be amazing Elizabeth. I too notice that a majority of adults do not treat ourselves with preciousness, tenderness and care like the way we would treat a baby.
Learning true parenting is an amazing gift for all concerned and brings an aliveness, vitality and joy into bringing up children and ourselves in the glory of who we are.
We don’t go there nearly enough. I don’t go there nearly enough, but I have found whenever I do choose to truly open up to the essence of whoever is in front of me, and let myself appreciate the potential for expansion and evolution that exists in the meeting of any two or more people, my response to them completely changes and deepens and I feel immeasurably enriched. I love the fact that your relationship with your son reflected that from early on.
Cherise, this is so gorgeous; ‘If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.’ I can feel that I have had the tendency to hold onto baby teeth and baby pictures and hair and that actually what is really important, rather than being attached to the past, is to allow my son to change and evolve when the time is right for him.
The ideals and beliefs we have gathered about family are immense and the letting them go reveals a true and free way to relate to one another. Children are never less than adults, the ideals we have picked up so we remain less as humanity and not evolutionary on the whole is alarming.
Could in fact parenting not be about us and our needs or desires, but about tuning into what is right for each child and helping them develop their own way and their own knowing of who they are in life?
Meg It could indeed, we find that with our daughter the more we support her to develop into the amazing person she is the greater our role as parents is – or better put we are actually then doing our job as parents instead of imposing what we think will bring her protection in life from the horrific state we see the world is in.
I agree Meg, how common is it that we bring our children up to our own desires and wishes and even if we do not intend to we unconsciously do if we have not resolved our own hurts and needs. This simply shows how parenting starts with ourselves, starts with the love and care we bring to ourselves and the willingness to learn and look at our own hurts. It is a simple equation, the clearer we are within our own the lesser we will impose our unfulfilled desires onto our children.
Brilliant question Meg. This is the best way to parent if we are open to tune into and connect to our children to this level of depth and quality. Also, raising our children to support them with their evolution and not for self-recognition would be a great start.
It’s crazy how we think that hierarchy between people exists – we are all teaching each other equally all the time, always. Always.
A great lesson in not letting emotions get in the way of what is needed, and in the space that opens up, we can feel what is true and what is needed whatever the situation.
I agree Jacqueline and you’ve reminded me of the many times where I have let emotions and sympathy get in the way of what is needed and true. I am learning to let go of emotions and make choices based on love and truth, and this feels amazing.
It is very inspiring to witness parenting without need, expectation and agenda. Thank you for sharing this, Cherise.
Thank you Cherise, I enjoyed reading this again and noting your relationships as a family, the degree of love, care, and honouring, and the detail with which this is expressed equally between you all.
Love what you share Cherise, and how supportive you are in allowing your young child to grow by not hanging onto him being a baby because of any personal emotional needs.
“so we couldn’t let any emotions get in the way of what he needed at the time.” the future of parenting being lived right here, right now.
I love the example offered here that every aspect of life, even what we consider to be as a very basic and normal part, can when we choose to be open offer us an opportunity to deepen our understanding, awareness and expand our relationship with and level of responsibility in life.
When we hold the knowing that our children are equal teachers to us as we are to them we are open to the magic they provide and their specific connection with the universe – think its all about what we teach them and we lose this amazing opportunity.
This feels so totally yuk, doesn’t it? Yesterday I left a job I had been in for 3 years – there wasn’t an ounce of regret or sadness about it, simply a ‘what next’ feeling as I am ready for a change. To stay somewhere simply for comfort invites all sorts of complications into life – not least a building tension in your relationship with yourself!
Same here Michelle. I left a job after 7 years and I moved country, ( I moved back to Scotland) immediately afterwards, and there was no regret or sadness. I did feel very spacious and felt ok, what’s next. I took care to complete everything before I left, so there were no loose ends, so to speak. Interestingly, I found that everything I needed just flowed towards me on arriving back – and in the newness of everything, I received so many confirmations that I was in the right place at the right time.
I love how you honoured what you felt. How beautiful for your son and for all of you.
“But in our son’s short life he has already taught me more about myself than I’d been aware of before” – Gorgeous Cherise and it’s important to appreciate this in full and see that no matter how old or who the other person is in a relationship, we have SO much to learn from connecting with them.
There is so much that is offered in the teachings between a parent and a child when we are willing to hold each other in equalness.
Cherise, this is really interesting to read; ‘If I were to hold onto his locks as a symbol of his baby days or fill my own needs as a woman with his needs towards me, I would be missing out on the great opportunity that it is to raise a young man, a young gentleman and a gorgeous little boy for the potential that he holds in this life.’ I can feel how honouring of your son it is to allow him to grow and change when he is ready, rather than getting attached to him being a certain way.
There is so much to learn from our kids and the beautiful reflection they offer if we can truly guide but not get in the way.
A beautiful understanding and awareness of our children and their equalness with us all and our role as parents in simply letting go and not holding on to things as a supportive reflection in life.
Very beautiful Cherise. When we allow and are guided by the natural unfoldment and evolution of another we also are blessed and inspired by the grace of the truth and love that is reflected. This exposes the damage and harm that transpires when we are emotionally attached to needing something from another to make us feel OK, valued or fulfilled, as we then impose a holding back for the sake of our own self-satisfaction, restricting any true advancement all round.
This paragraph made me stop “His locks could literally be symbolic of locking us into an emotional relationship together for a long time, where neither of us would take the next steps in our own potential or take seriously the responsibility we have to continue to evolve and show the world the essence and truth of who we are.” It is worthwhile reflecting on just how much our relationship with various aspects of life is invested with attachment and control in a manner that similarly impede our ability to “continue to evolve and show the world the essence and truth of who we are”?
Letting life and the natural transitions and changes flow through our hands, without the need to grip or hold on, makes for a a relationship with our every days that is free of struggle and complication.
This is such a sweet sharing – these moments can be just a wonderful and memorable without the weighing down of pictures and expectations
I had a family tradition to keep those locks of hair, as well as baby teeth it is interesting concerning what you say about a lock in a relationship, I will ponder this concerning my children. We like to keep momentos to remind us of things, but concerning children, they are born to grow, not stay static. I can feel how important it is to celebrate where they are at and move with it and not hang on to the past.
I love it when parents have the openness, observation and humility to notice that love, care and wisdom does not get passed one way only in their family and when they share and appreciate the fact that their children have their own way of expressing these.