Recently my eight year old son has gone through some changes – one such change being that he no longer shies away from his vulnerability like he used to. This has taken some adjusting to on my part…
I first noticed the changes after he hurt himself at school one day and we needed to go to the hospital to have his injured knees looked at. Before bed he had a big cry about how one of his friends had laughed at him when he fell over and hurt himself and how later the nurse had been a bit rough with him when tending to his sore knees. He openly expressed his feelings and what had hurt during the day.
On another occasion, I spoke to him harshly and he simply cried. The way I spoke to him hurt and he let himself feel that.
Then a couple of days later, he popped in to see me at work after school just to say ‘hi’ as I work next door to where we live. He was not his usual jovial self. He felt a bit flat and I thought something was wrong. I left work early thinking he needed me, needed something or that something needed to be fixed. When I got home I found he was quite content clearing out his drawers, having some quiet time in his room.
I looked at him and realised he was perfectly ok, that he was actually feeling incredibly gorgeous. He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was. Combined with the other experience when he hurt his knees, I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.
I realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ But why was this not normal? Perhaps I’d been sending the message that he had to be a certain way, that anything but his ‘normality’ rocked my boat and I wanted to fix it.
Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility? Is it possible that when another allows themselves to be, feel and stay in their vulnerability, it is a reflection that causes us to feel uneasy, needing to change the other’s behaviour as soon as possible? We want to ‘fix them’ so that we can feel comfortable again.
In some instances, ‘fixing’ may not be the way, but rather mocking and ridicule. When they cry, boys are called a pansy or a ‘girl’ – as if there is something wrong or lesser about being female. As girls and women, expressing from our vulnerability just seems to make everyone uncomfortable. Male or female, fragility and vulnerability are seen as a weakness and is something to be avoided.
In my case, I was essentially telling my son it was not ok to be vulnerable. This was a big lesson for me – both in how I am with my own vulnerability and that of others.
Since this realisation, I’ve been a lot more aware of my own impositions upon another’s expression and whether it is triggering something in me. Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?
Perhaps there is much that can come when we allow others to be in their fragility, tenderness and vulnerability. We can take inspiration from it and accept the reflection and what it offers. The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.
By Anonymous, Northern NSW
Further Reading:
Building true relationships and positive parenting
Raising Boys – Are we Imposing on Them?
Real Men Don’t Cry
583 Comments
Feeling vulnerable is much like being in the humble-appreciative-ness of our own glory and self worth as we feel our deep connection to our essence. So to appreciate the vulnerability of another is it not that we are also feeling the same vulnerabilitive-ness from the connection we have.
Sometimes it can be challenging to be vulnerable when you can feel something questioning you in this quality but it is really beautiful when we don’t leave this and harden up to save face but to show all of our face warts and all and not be a shamed of it. To appreciate and embrace what vulnerability truly is and how this is part of our innate being.
This is a great question; ‘Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?’ I have noticed recently that I have been expressing my vulnerability and have on a couple of occasions cried when someone has spoken to me harshly. This has actually felt great as previously I would hold everything in and go into my head about it all and become withdrawn, whereas I have found that allowing myself to be raw and honest and simply show how I am feeling allows me to release the hurt and not hold onto it.
Anonymous, this is a great question; ‘I realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ But why was this not normal?’ I can feel reading this how we do not like it when people are upset or showing their vulnerability and that it is common to respond to make things better and try and make the person who is upset ok again. It’s great to be aware of this and to allow people to be vulnerable and be upset and cry when they need to and for as long as they need to.
I am so so glad your son is choosing to honour his sensitivity. I am even more glad that you are choosing to support him with that. It is NOT easy for children to remain in this sensitive vulnerablility and not cover up what they feel. Bullying is huge on every level and it is up to everyone of us to support this beautiful expression within each of us. There is nothing worse than burying your emotions and issues. It has to come out at some stage and society is all geared towards making you bury what you feel instead of express it.
When Boys are told to toughen up and don’t be a sissy they are being asked to deny and ignore what they feel. Most of the problems in society come from men who have taken this on in life by denying and ignoring what they feel and have toughened up so much they are abusive to themselves and others. This creates huge problems for men later on in relationships, mental health, and eventually physical health.
To me this boy is normal and real, he will not be a pansy he will grow up well adjusted by knowing himself and be able to deal with life and responsibilities knowing and being real with himself.
It is absolutely ridiculous that being lost is rewarded and being real is ridiculed. It is up to us all to correct this very damaging behavior.
Our society doesn’t support us to be vulnerable and to show our sensitivity, and we tend to shut this down because it is not often accepted. It is amazing to hear how you are supporting your son to be who he is and to allow him to express what he is feeling.
This is a great lesson for us all in staying vulnerable. It shows just how important it is to stay open and not retreat under the layers of protection that we all to often run for. The protection does little to support us, it buries us instead, into a prison of our own making.
Reading this highlights how so easily as children we can start to mask over our vulnerability and to harden to life, and yet here is a great example of a little boy choosing to not do that.
Children are a lot more open to show the world who they are but if we shut them down and tell them to be tough and to hide their sensitivity and vulnerability, then we are setting them up to struggle through life.
Being who we are is always an inspiration to another – in this world where we can hold so many identities and be a million different people, it always refreshing when you see another naturally being just themselves. There really is not enough people in the world standing true to themselves.
Be who we truly are and all of the worlds problems will fall away.
It is great to be aware that we have ways to cut down anything that asks us to feel ourselves and be in our fragility when we or a part of us does not want to feel fragile or anything at all.
When men allow their vulnerability they have made a big step dropping the guard and show who they really are.
It is exquisite to meet anyone who drops their guard and they also support us to drop ours if we still have our guard up. If we already drop our guard and then meet someone who is also very open, then our connection simply deepens and expands to another level. it is amazing, how we are with ourselves affects how we are with others.
We are so afraid of children feeling all they feel because it reminds us what we felt and we go into patterns of behaviour that have worked for us in the past. Yet that is imposing as you have shared here because it doesn’t leave room for the child to approach it in its own way, feeling the vulnerability of the situation and letting their body guide them as to how to cope with it.
I can see how I have reacted when my children have shown their vulnerability. It has made me feel uncomfortable and therefore exposed how I too have wanted to fix them. It has also shown me how I would leave myself and go into sympathy and thinking they need me to make them feel better. Yet when a child or adult expresses their vulnerability it is such a beautiful moment of appreciation where they are allowing themselves to be seen for who they are… no hiding but just as it is. Thank you Anonymous for sharing
It is a great question to ask: why is being vulnerable not normal? For it feels so deeply beautiful to be met by child, boy or man who is at ease with being vulnerable, as what we are met with and offered for us to feel is a sacred quality that represents the divinity of who we all are in essence. And our connection to this quality that is how we live our true power.
It is such a blessing for our children when we catch these unconscious patterns in ourselves… And stop the cycle of disconnection.
This is such a great article Anon, thank you for sharing, this line is so true in the way I have been treating one of my sons who for most of his life, I felt that he was hurt and I wanted to fix him, instead of it being ok whatever he was feeling and honouring that. “Perhaps I’d been sending the message that he had to be a certain way, that anything but his ‘normality’ rocked my boat and I wanted to fix it.”
Great example of how imposing can be super damaging. This is one that even though I may not be obviously dominating or imposing in a situation I am keeping a close eye to just be me, let another be themselves and then letting go and allowing the what next to unfold.
I love the way your son is holding his own! Even though he can be judged and called names he is allowing himself his feelings and not pandering to anyone. Very different to a ‘pansy’! It takes strength to do this.
I love that this is happening with a young boy, when in society it is so much about getting tough, and going hard and not showing you care. An inspiration and very empowering for him and those around him to know there is a different way to be.
“I looked at him and realised he was perfectly ok, that he was actually feeling incredibly gorgeous. He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was. ‘ what beautiful reflections our children can give us of exactly that which we ourselves hold within equally so.
What a beautiful reminder of how important it is to allow ourselves and another the space to be in their vulnerability without imposing on them that they need to be any different.
Being vulnerable is deeply needed to be real, to be open, to be honest, a deep intimacy with ourselves and others.
There is actually so much strength and power in being fragile, tender and vulnerable – people are so inspired when another can show all of who they are.
I agree and this is from my experience of allowing myself to feel and not try to bury everything, it is powerful to reclaim the vulnerability.
Staying vulnerable is an issue for us all, children and adults alike. It’s having that commitment to live openly and transparently.
Reading this really got me to thinking on how many times I tried to fix things for my children as they were growing up instead of simply letting them stop and feel their vulnerability. Fixing them as quickly as possible so they would stop crying and start smiling again seemed to be the unwritten goal.
Very true Ingrid, yet when we do hold the space for them to feel we truly support them for in the moment they get to feel the hurt that otherwise gets buried.
So much is hidden when we close our heart to others. Bringing us to a point where when we are connected to our inner-heart or the esoteric expressing Lovingly becomes simple and normal.
Greg so so true, when our heart is closed we are lost and yet our fire, our love and who we are is always there just waiting to be reconnected to. Being vulnerable and open certainly supports us to be connected to the world.
Reading this and remarking over when I have felt vulnerable or seen another’s vulnerability … it brings a feeling of joy over me. I love feeling vulnerable — there is an offering of innocence and realness to the situation giving yourself and others a true choice. It is power-full to honour just how much we feel.
Yes and like anything Rik, it needs space to get used to it and see how much more we are aware of how to support ourselves, rather than hardening up or squashing what is being felt.
Indeed Lucy and that space needs to be a non judgemental one, where we can continually refine and give permission to respond to our ever deepening sensitivities
I agree, Lucy. It is super important to create space, connecting to what we are feeling in our body and honouring it, as this allows us to read what is going on in any situation and gives us the authority to back what we feel.