Recently my eight year old son has gone through some changes – one such change being that he no longer shies away from his vulnerability like he used to. This has taken some adjusting to on my part…
I first noticed the changes after he hurt himself at school one day and we needed to go to the hospital to have his injured knees looked at. Before bed he had a big cry about how one of his friends had laughed at him when he fell over and hurt himself and how later the nurse had been a bit rough with him when tending to his sore knees. He openly expressed his feelings and what had hurt during the day.
On another occasion, I spoke to him harshly and he simply cried. The way I spoke to him hurt and he let himself feel that.
Then a couple of days later, he popped in to see me at work after school just to say ‘hi’ as I work next door to where we live. He was not his usual jovial self. He felt a bit flat and I thought something was wrong. I left work early thinking he needed me, needed something or that something needed to be fixed. When I got home I found he was quite content clearing out his drawers, having some quiet time in his room.
I looked at him and realised he was perfectly ok, that he was actually feeling incredibly gorgeous. He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was. Combined with the other experience when he hurt his knees, I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.
I realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ But why was this not normal? Perhaps I’d been sending the message that he had to be a certain way, that anything but his ‘normality’ rocked my boat and I wanted to fix it.
Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility? Is it possible that when another allows themselves to be, feel and stay in their vulnerability, it is a reflection that causes us to feel uneasy, needing to change the other’s behaviour as soon as possible? We want to ‘fix them’ so that we can feel comfortable again.
In some instances, ‘fixing’ may not be the way, but rather mocking and ridicule. When they cry, boys are called a pansy or a ‘girl’ – as if there is something wrong or lesser about being female. As girls and women, expressing from our vulnerability just seems to make everyone uncomfortable. Male or female, fragility and vulnerability are seen as a weakness and is something to be avoided.
In my case, I was essentially telling my son it was not ok to be vulnerable. This was a big lesson for me – both in how I am with my own vulnerability and that of others.
Since this realisation, I’ve been a lot more aware of my own impositions upon another’s expression and whether it is triggering something in me. Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?
Perhaps there is much that can come when we allow others to be in their fragility, tenderness and vulnerability. We can take inspiration from it and accept the reflection and what it offers. The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.
By Anonymous, Northern NSW
Further Reading:
Building true relationships and positive parenting
Raising Boys – Are we Imposing on Them?
Real Men Don’t Cry
539 Comments
‘I realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ It can be quite a shocker sometimes to realise that when you think you are ‘helping’ someone, you are in fact not wanting to feel something yourself and are therefore not operating from genuine love but from something else entirely.
In my experience most men do not want to see women being vulnerable. It is too much to bear the reflection of possibly going there themselves, which in their belief is impossible. But men and women are no different, we are all tender and vulnerable, as well as steady and strong, all of this support comes from the body.
Reading this today connected me to the fact that I am feeling quite vulnerable and fragile and tears came to my eyes. Thank you. From this space, I can feel to give myself more deeper care and love.
This is so gorgeous .. how your son is just allowing himself to be tender, sweet, vulnerable and with what he is feeling and express what he is feeling and your relationship with him. I have been aware more recently how I can go into ‘fix it’ mode as well and how this definitely doesn’t help the other person or myself.
There is great power in fragility. It takes far more strength to be fragile than to be tough.
What a great blog. It is true we very often fool ourselves into thinking we are helping others when really our incentive is very selfish in terms of not wanting to feel the discomfort ourselves and not about supporting the other at all. True support offers if the true call is there, has no need and never imposes.
Not needing to please is a stunning quality to be around.
I find it super challenging at times, but also stunning. It is my true preference to be around but gosh I also find it tricky as it is so different to the current quality status quo.
I know teenagers who also tidy their room when they feel raw and vulnerable to feel and to re-organize their space to feel more. It is a very honoring time for themselves.
Far worse than feeling vulnerable is the hardening up of the body and going into protection. The body feels horrible on holding onto all that tension.
I have experienced this many times too. As a child I thought feeling vulnerable was a weakness and taught myself to harden up. This is now something that I do without thinking as it has become an ingrained response. Learning to allow myself to feel vulnerable and to ask for support is still taking some conscious effort but it is well worth it because it means I am truly feeling what is going on for me rather than pushing it to one side undealt with.
It seems easier to put up a front but in reality this way of being induces all our illness and disease. So much healthier for us to be real, open and honest about how we feel.
Fragility and vulnerability don’t sit with ease in the hectic hustle and bustle in the world of today, but they are feelings we need to reconnect with to return to the balance we once knew.
I agree Gill – going to somewhere like Times Square in New York is where you really get to see a true picture of how our society lives and feeds off screens, distraction and hustle.
A great question to consider when we are raising kids or mentoring others – do we express our own vulnerability? I know that I can sometimes get caught in the parent child dynamic, when really it is about having boundaries and concequences but not letting this harden us.
What I love about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile is that it offers us the opportunity to reflect on and feel how tender we truly and naturally are, and as such allowing us to deepen our connection to the exquisite qualities and power of our love within.
Our vulnerability is like a cupboard that contains all the keys to us healing. Keep it locked and you’ll pretend that everything’s ok when you’re super hurt on the inside.
It seems an absolute must that vulnerability be fostered in our children, so they can know who they are by who they are and not by what society has told them is wrong.
What an important message. Showing us that when we impose on another in whatever shape, it actually takes the space away that we naturally can offer to another to make their own choice.
Anonymous, this is such an important point to raise; ‘ realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ I can feel how with children we want them to stop crying and to be ok. We say ‘it’s ok you can stop crying’. or ‘dry away your tears’. It feels like we are giving the message that crying and feeling vulnerable is not something that we want to see and that we want to stop it as soon as possible. I can feel the desire as a parent to try and fix things as well. Great to ponder on this, thank you.
An awesomely honest sharing Anonymous – allowing another to express their hurts.
Not expressing is what really hurts.
Staying vulnerable is a super power… with it comes openness, an ability to feel what is going on around and an ability to discern. It allows others to stay in their sensitivity also, which brings us closer to who we are. So far from being weak, its an enormous strength that supports us in life.
Imagine if we all allowed ourselves to feel our true fragility – we’d be like a different race! But of course we’d have to let go of the false satisfaction and recognition we gain from pushing through and being super hard. Are we willing to do that?
In an intense, overwhelming or heated moment where there is a group of people involved, often anyone who chooses to show signs of vulnerability or sensitivity is ridiculed for ‘chickening out’ or being ‘useless’, when what if the people that choose to take a step back and observe have got it spot on, and that heated issues can’t be solved by scrambling for the answers and being short with one another?
In a recent conversation with a young man, I came to see just how challenging it can be for a boy to remain openly vulnerable. The desire to harden and become guarded and protected is very present – constantly offering itself as an easy way out of difficult or challenging situations. So it takes a courageous and self-aware person to know that who they are is worth holding on to.
We can all learn a great deal from your son. He is authentic and faithful to himself. He doesn’t worry about how that appears, and he doesn’t try to be nice. A true inspiration.
“Staying Vulnerable” – is one of the hardest things to admit let alone to be, yet i find it is one of the most delicately beautiful things to observe about oneself or in another.
Agreed Zofia and yet it is so incredible when we allow it in ourselves and in others.
Straight to this article this morning as I wrestle with feeling very vulnerable and ‘needing to get on with things’… I understand, in theory, that these two things do not have to exclude one another and today will be a great opportunity to practise.
My grown up sons can still cry with people they feel close with. Maybe many men do too, but show a false bravado out in the world. It’s interesting to see how women apologise for crying in public, as if that’s something we shouldn’t be doing. I remember being very upset after a relationship breakdown in my teens and my dad telling me ‘we don’t wear our hearts on our sleeve in this family.’ Although I didn’t agree with him I still recall the details of him telling me this.
“Male or female, fragility and vulnerability are seen as a weakness and is something to be avoided.” So true we all need to wake up to the fact that we are avoiding 2 qualities that can change our lives completely. We are brought up from young to not honour our fragility and vulnerability and learn to harden and protect ourselves from the world rather than lovingly embracing what is naturally within us all.
“Recently my eight year old son has gone through some changes – one such change being that he no longer shies away from his vulnerability like he used to. This has taken some adjusting to on my part…” what a powerful and incredible change to both notice and embrace, for him to be supported to embrace his vulnerability feels like what true parenting is all about.
It sounds obvious but a great first thing to notice is that we are actually hurt. From here we can care and be honest with ourselves. But moving on and venting to others without stopping first just causes more pain.
Vulnerability is something we are not used to just letting be – we can feel uncomfortable or at a loss as to how to ‘help’, when sometimes the other person just needs the space to be where they are at
What an awesome reflection to be reminded that we don’t have to please anyone and that we can be vulnerable and let this show. That we are not wired or insecure for doing so and that this is our natural way of being.
To me vulnerability isn’t a desired state. It brings with it a sense of lack of safety. Fragility on the other hand is a state where I can be me, and honour the feelings I have within even if they might at times be raw.
Hmmm I am loving the exploration I am finding here in this article and the comments this morning. I have experienced that I need to be willing to be vulnerable to expose and break through all my protective behaviours that stand in the way of the true strength of fragility.
Yes, Heather I agree. Vulnerability for me implies a weakness, whereas there is great strength in being fragile because we are simply allowing ourselves to fully honour and express what we are feeling no matter what.
Staying vulnerable can be a challenge. The world isn’t set up for us to be that way, quite the opposite actually. But drawing a line in the sand on protection and numbing – that supports us to stay vulnerable.
Vagrantly frugal with fragility is what I was shown as a young boy, to the point where as a group of young boys and teens we were all becoming so tough we could compete in the most-fierce-competition and to be so tough to not feel the hurts. Fast forward 50 years and to no longer hold onto that tough guy protection, and through healing, my sensitivities have returned, because I have openly allowed myself to feel the tender man that has always been under that crusty façade that we all felt we needed to survive.
I was the same Gregg, it seemed like everyone’s job was to teach you to be tough from your dad or elder brothers to other kids at school, no one ever said that staying tender and connected to your sensitivity was ever an option, that stuff was for girls. And although most of us can do the tough thing well it is never a true way of being and never feels right if we give ourselves a moment to be honest.