A class I recently taught was studying an English unit on Advertising, which looked at advertising of products for children.
I enjoy teaching advertising units because I find the children love learning about how words, images, colour and sounds can be used to influence their choices in food, toys and clothing. They find it empowering so I find it worthwhile. The study of advertising often highlights gender differences in the imagery presented to our children and so indicates how we differ in the way we raise our boys and our girls.
We had a great time discovering the influence of static ads and we had just moved onto online, multimedia ads, where the addition of sound effects and music lend considerable extra weight to the impact of advertisements.
Our first ad was a multi-media presentation by a well-known building block manufacturer, targetting mainly boys. The ad started out with very loud booming sounds and then proceeded with ‘the man with the very deep voice’ exhorting viewers to engage in a hero-like fashion in the narrative constructed around the product.
The change that came over the beautifully tender, sensitive little boys at this point was extreme. All, bar two of them, just about jumped out of their seats; they were agitated and their eyes became surreally bright. They began to converse animatedly with each other while the girls and I looked on, baffled by what was happening.
Seeing these beautifully tender little boys so agitated and so thoroughly changed in their demeanor, I could not continue with the lesson.
I decided to take a moment so that we could look at what had happened.
The boys re-seated themselves and I asked them what had happened for them during the ad. They were confused and so the girls shared what they had seen happening for the boys, noting that only one girl in the class had been similarly affected.
The boys then explained that they had become so animated because they have to fight evil and that evil is the enemy, the bad people and the dark forces. They agreed with each other that this is a ‘man’s job’, hence why the girls remained unaffected. Moreover, ‘everyone knows’ that this is the way it is, they explained.
I was incredulous at the depth of their feeling. I have been aware for many years that girls and boys are socialized in different ways and consequently, display different behaviours. I had no idea that one online ad for a toy could trigger such agitated behaviour and such incredibly, deeply held convictions as the ones I witnessed during that lesson.
Would it not be wise for us, as a society, to consider what is happening here?
Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?
Are we encouraging them to assume ‘manly traits’ like ‘fighting the enemy’ and ‘fighting evil’ and to respond on automatic pilot to situations that require the development and expression of these traits?
Would it be wiser to allow our boys to unfold their innate sensitivity at a completely natural pace?
Observing how these primary age children became so agitated when their beliefs were triggered, confirmed to me the logic, compassion and wisdom of looking more deeply at what is going on.
Like many schools, we are periodically visited by Legacy volunteers, who are often former serving personnel from the Armed Forces. Again, I have often been struck by the loveliness and genuine intention of these men to serve and protect their country. I have noticed how, even in retirement, they continue to serve as volunteers for Legacy, to provide financial and emotional support for the families of fallen comrades. As I observe these usually gentle men addressing our students, I often contemplate the beliefs they might have been raised under as boys. Did they feel they had to ‘fight the enemy’ at an early age because that’s what men do? Did anyone value their tenderness and encourage them to honour their sensitivity? What life path would they have chosen had this been so?
How much do we restrict the choices of our boys, and our men, by these recurring themes and patterns of fighting the enemy and evil?
How can we allow these beliefs about what it is to be a man to shut down their sensitive awareness at such a young age? How many men and boys perceive themselves to be warriors against evil, defenders of home and hearth?
Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?
Further Reading:
Raising Boys
Men – Are We Set Up to Fail?
Good Parenting Skills
Stitched Up
903 Comments
We start from very young in how we expect our boys (and also girls) to behave, and it’s both blatant and subtle, from girls being expected to play house, like pink and dolls to boys being expected to fight, and be tough and not cry. It’s a trap for both genders and as shown so clearly here, boys and men are deeply affected by it, and seeing that suicide rates for young men are at an all time high we really do need to look at those limitations and ideas we pass on on how boys should be, and how in encouraging these we in fact limit boys and men, and all of us miss out on the tenderness men naturally have.
We do need to take a moment and consider it because the outplay at the moment is so much pressure on boys and men to be a certain way that leaves no room for saying no and choosing to express in a ‘different’ way. This is going to take societal change.
The wisest way of fighting the enemy and evil is with love.
Interesting how we can impose the role of protector on young men and yet if they retain their own tenderness and self care they naturally are protecting and caring of others.
The whole thing about toughening up to be a real man goes so against the grain of our innate sensitivities. Is it no wonder then that men find it hard to talk about their feelings as we encourage non expression and validation of what is felt.
The imposing continues to impose until we stop and look at why are we imposing in the first place and what are we trying to squash or not feel by doing it.
What is so beautifully highlighted here is the difference between expressing innately versus learning a role in life that we need to be in order to be loved. If we are raised and supported to know that we are innately love there is no need to take roles on in order to get love through recognition.
Yes as a society we most certainly impose on boys, as to do we impose on young girls that also should be a certain way.
To date we have not learnt that life is about true expression not a contrived version that ends up leaving us all lesser.
The imposing manner we bring to both sexes starts at birth – what they need to be rather than allowing their true expression to be honoured.
There is nothing remotely logical about the way we raise men to be hard and tough and override their feelings. We all lose out by this but yet we still allow it to proliferate. There must be more to this than we realise, an unconscious choice we get something out of. Perhaps it is an excuse to make ourselves and our society less than the truth it ought to be? A perfect set up for an forever cunning, sly, cowardly immortal spirit that does not want to take an iota of responsibility for how it is wrecking human life.
It really does go to show how every aspect of our society, our current culture is geared up to pull men out of honouring their tenderness, it is constant bombardment of imagery of what a ‘man’ is meant to be, starting from a very young age. And so, this also highlights just how imperative it is for us, at every opportunity, to meet and confirm the tenderness within man and young boy, and that the power of who they are requires no fight but rather an allowing of who they are in essence to naturally be.
And in that we feel the true power of a man in his tenderness which also supports a woman to surrender to her sacredness. Could it also be that we impose on men to be tough, fight, be rough and hard so not to highlight and expose our true responsibility in the world?
We have to impose on boys. Otherwise they remain sensitive.
I would say with our current model of raising children we are in imposing on not just boys but also girls. our children are not allowed to be themselves.
If we continue down this same path we will only see more when these children meet adulthood more dissatisfaction, more ill mental health and more disharmony in relationships.
It feels to me that boys are imposed upon from many angles in society to toughen up and disregard their feeling, tenderness and sensitivity. These impositions come through the media, often through parents, teachers, men and also women. It is well time that these societal imposition on boys stopped and that they were allowed to express their all, in their own way.
Just being and breathing us, communicates so much steadiness, wisdom and Love. There’s actually not much more we need to do to bring the beauty of the universe through. All the ideas and beliefs we have are just effective barricades to truth.
When we look at the boy in the photo above we cannot help but feel how utterly corrupt it is to not honour the sensitivity of men.
The thing that gets me about advertising, is how they are often deliberately set up to hook children with their imposing energy, and yet, the people who work in advertising are just normal people, like you and me, and many of them I am sure have children of their own, are working to pay their bills and to live life as best they can. This to me does not show the mastermind workings of a devious industry, but rather a propensity on all our parts to ignore what is clearly not right or true in favour of what is comfortable and accepted.
I really appreciate this comment Shami because it shows how there must be more at play than meets the eye because otherwise, why would men in advertising promote that model???? Women work in advertising as well and do the same thing to women – so the big question is why?! (there are not enough ! or ? to express the level of confusion at the illogical nature of our behaviour!)
Reading this blog sparked such a chord in me. I loved the space you held them in Anonymous. What a difference it made to express and nominate the truth of what was going on with themselves. Is it not honourable then, like Anonymous was, to be connected to your inner-stillness within and hold that to be you — knowing that is you before you connect to others. Connecting from this space allows another to be in that space also. This principle is the basis of all healing and proves the fact we either are connected or not, we either heal or harm — there is no in-between.
The greatest lessons are learnt in life when we see things next to pure love. A child is great like this as they are so obviously full of it and show so clearly when other energies come in. Let us let ourselves be more like this, to shine bright and have our dalliances exposed.
The words “be a man, ” conjures up a rough tough type of man, one that can battle the elements, plough through to the end, a far cry from who men truly are, sensitive, tender human beings, who are not afraid to show their true feelings, what a disservice we do to our young boys when these qualities are shunned and ridiculed, instead of being encouraged and nurtured.
We currently live in a poisonous soup of beliefs and ideals, all designed to distract from the truth. As long as we accept these false pictures as normal and ok we’ll miss out on the true gorgeousness that lives beneath.
This question is very important to ask: it is something we do not look at willingly in society, as mothers; as parents…”Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?” But why do we not look at it? It is obvious that we attempt to harden and toughen up our boys as they grow up – what purpose could it possibly serve? It is so important that as boys or girls we hold our sensitivity, care and gentleness.
I would love for us as a society to really unpack this more and look more at the ‘ideals and pictures’ that are fed to boys. To start to not just uncover it but to start to deconstruct this and find a true representation and role models that show the true qualities a boy holds.
I love how you are bringing awareness to the classroom in this way and that the children are finding empowerment in these simple exercises.
My whole life I have been an advocate for men’s rights. I always thought that men weren’t treated fairly and sympathised deeply with the fact that men are not allowed to cry in our society. But the truth of the matter is, I have actually held the idea that men are to be the saviours of women as a value for my life to date and regardless of how much I preach about men’s rights, if I do not hold that understanding for myself I too am contributing to this stigma.
This article puts forward one of the deeply held beliefs that are used by our world to mould a boy to a man. If we take a moment to truly deeply feel the many other beliefs that are used alongside what is shared here it becomes very deeply sad to realize just how much effort has been put into destroying the true tender essence of men.
A man can be very tough and do what is necessary while keeping their sensitivity. Perhaps it is easier to control men when they have buried their sensitivity.