Children can be very cute, adorable, loveable and gorgeous, all knowing, extremely observant, and often one step ahead of us. So when it comes to raising children there is a lot to get your head around so to speak, as they are a complete package – each one an individual with different needs and expressions.
I know that for us, having our first child – as with many parents – was amazing, special and totally unlike anything we had ever experienced before, on many levels. Our daughter was what you would call an easy child – she slept well, ate well and was always content and happy.
So here we had a little person ready to take on the world, needing support, love and guidance, looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world.
We knew instantly we had to parent in a way that allowed her to be who she was, for us to not impose on her in any way, but at the same time to educate her and show her that the choices she made and how she chose to live impacted on everyone and everything… that in life there were consequences for the choices she made and that no matter what those choices were, there was always a flow on effect of some kind.
Introducing boundaries and consequences felt like a way to support her in feeling the consequences of her choices. It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility. As parents, we felt that without having boundaries and consequences for her behaviour and choices she would quite quickly become a big person without the understanding of what it is to truly support herself and others.
It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked “How would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?” Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions.
We lived in a home where we all supported each other, letting each other know how things felt, constantly allowing ourselves to feel what was needed, being responsible for our choices and how they impacted on everyone, and as parents we felt she was no exception to this level of responsibility.
It was a constant unfolding in our own lives, something we were constantly refining and adjusting as needed; our routines, rhythms, sleep patterns, diet, everything was always shifting, our choices were always being looked at and our level of responsibility was forever expanding and deepening.
We had our own boundaries and consequences, so when we introduced these to her it was nothing new; it was not only her – she could see and feel the level of responsibility we lived ourselves and she was part of that.
As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt.
It was a natural progression for her to feel what was needed next, and now at times she is often making adjustments for what is needed before I have.
Because our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her. She can feel the consistency, love and absoluteness and because of these qualities she has no resistance, only an allowing choice to let herself feel and to go there.
The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her. It is with this loving support from all of us equally that we have been able to see that for us, boundaries and consequences have supported, and continue to support us immensely. We had to start with ourselves, living and being responsible for the way we lived and for our choices.
You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.
Published with permission from Michael Serafin.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
Parenting our Children
Parenting
Building true relationships and positive parenting
636 Comments
Nicole, thank you for sharing your experiences of raising your daughter, as a parent I find this really helpful and supportive.
I totally get the bit about needing to parent ourselves before we parent others. Too often I find myself tripping into parent mode without the foundation of living the example I am calling someone else to step up to.
As souls we belong to a measureless space that is known as esoterically as the Universe or God’s body. Therefore there is a part of us that knows there is no end to the depth we can go. However, as humans we live in a physical body and in this sense have put a boundary or delineation on space by virtue of our existence in this physicality. All that said, as children we come into the world very connected to our soul but also with an age-old spirit that knows all the tricks and manoeuvres to delay our inevitable return to the immeasurable space (formlessness) we belong to. As parents we have a very specific responsibility to support our children to a) feel safe in this realm b) not let their spirit run rampant, and this is done by setting clear boundaries and consequences so that the child, a spirit + soul in his/her own right, develops a healthy relationship with responsibility and their own evolution back to Soul.
The reflection of being consistent and responsible within our own lifes as a parent provides a child with the space to make the same kind of choices instead of rebelling because what they see and what they feel is not matching up.
There are always consequences to our actions. This is the law of cause and effect. Such an important thing for us as a race to know more deeply so why would we not introduce this to children as early as possible?
What I have noticed is when we are ending we want to give boundaries and then follow that with consequences is either where to bury with other things be it work, social media, socialising or the other is when we are trying to be nice and wanting the child to like us. It doesn’t work out so well when that’s behind a relationship.
Thank you for sharing the way your daughter was raised – it shows that from day dot we can bring accountability and responsibility into the relationship so they understand it is an everyday part of life. I find with my toddler she is absolute in her decisions, and so boundaries and consequences reflect to her the outcome of her choices.
When we live in a family what we do affects others within the home, we can pretend it doesn’t but it does (I have no doubt the ripple effect is much wider than the home but let’s stay with the home for now!) Therefore supporting our children to understand there are consequences to their behaviour is a vital life skill to teach them.
It is very clear that the children we have need a different support and reflection in terms of how we are with them, different but equal, not more or less, but just sensitive to who they are and how to express with them.
When we allow children to express in whatever way we offer them numerous opportunities to learn and grow. My responsibility as a parent is to be true to myself and carry out what is needed in the honouring of who I and my children are.
We often neglect being true to ourselves as if it is selfish, being selfish is in no way the same as living honestly and responsibly and not compromising on that.
That’s a great example of lead by example. When ever you hear or are spoken to by someone who is not living what they are saying there is nothing in you that feels inspired or interested in what is being said. Our actions is our words.
Gorgeous to read Nicole how to truly parent our children, consequences and boundaries are a must in parenting as children need to know the effect their choices have, not just on themselves but those around them also, this is a way of understanding what is love and what is not.
It amazes me sometimes how observant children are – they clock everything! So it gets me pondering on how harmful it is when we lie to them eg. we say sugar contributes to decay in teeth and that brushing our teeth twice a day or more is super important which it is but what gives us the right to ban sugar in their diet when we’re consuming it! How can we insist our kids clean their teeth regularly when we’re not carrying it out! I cannot agree more, parenting begins with parenting ourselves first.
It feels like our society is in a bit of a mess, because parents are tending to allow children to have everything they want and then we carry this into our adult lives without ever being taught that everything we do will cause a response somewhere else. So without boundaries, we are not understanding our responsibilities. The learning that as parents, we can observe and support our children to bring out their inner wisdom, is a delight we can all learn from.
We certainly do need the boundaries so children understand early in their lives that there is a knock on effect from every choice we make.The earlier they learn to take responsibility, the better.
Love what is shared here on accountability and responsibility. We are raising a toddler who is strong-willed and if we don’t respond with authority then she walks all over people. She loves the clarity of yes or no. It is as simple as that, and so we can’t hold back with her – she is an amazing teacher for us to claim what is true and support her to respond in a loving way
It is much simpler to be with children who have had boundaries at home.
Beautiful Nicole. Responsibility going two ways. And indeed, how can you ask your children to be responsible when as a parent you are not living responsibly yourself?
Boundaries and consequences are so important so we can learn what is acceptable and loving and what is not. I know for myself growing up I would see how much I could get away with, essentially I was testing my parents and craved boundaries but never really got them and consquences were they were pretty much non-existent. But did that help me even though my parents thought they were being loving, no it did not as it meant I grew up thinking I could manipulate and talk my way out of anything, which I did well but now have had to face some pretty major consequences and have not at all liked them and so fought them hard rather than acceptaing them!
I have always felt that children were baby adults that were unable to express themselves because they did not have the vocabulary to do so when young. But they are able to show their personalities in different ways. I always marveled at how stubborn they can be and also how manipulative too, and for me it made complete sense to believe in reincarnation and that these children were adults in a former life and that’s why they come through with emotional problems, stubbornness, anger etc. Treating them as just babies or children is such a disservice to them as they are so much more and deserve to be treated with this understanding.
She is in a little body but she is much more knowing than her little body gives her credit for. By giving her the consequences of her actions gives her a life skill to consider the ripple effect of her actions.
“You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.” Very wise words Nicole and definitely the first necessary steps to be taken in parenting our children,
Parenting two boys myself this line really stood out to me “You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.” The reflection of the choices we offer our children is key to parenting for how can we expect them to take care of themselves if that is not the norm at home. This works all ways too for I know if there is anything going on for my children it is often to do with my own behaviour and looking / dealing with that first, the rest is then taken care of.
This is very true Candida, children often take on the stress/behaviour of their parents and instead of looking to ‘fix’ them when something seems wrong if we can deal with whatever may be happening for ourselves, as you say, ‘the rest is then taken care of’.
We see events as isolated, random and coincidental – yet each one is a direct consequence of the choices we make. Life is always informing us of the quality we have chosen. Although we try to blame others, life brings responsibility back to us.
Working in schools I see first hand the consequences of parenting without boundaries – and believe me it ain’t pretty! Children who are given boundaries have a stronger sense of purpose whilst those with out are far more likely to get swayed by the tide.
The stronger myself, my wife and our family are with consequences and boundaries with our daughter the more strength she has to be steady and solid in herself. It’s quite amazing the difference.
Thank you Nicole, this should be taught before we have a baby as one o one of raising our children with Love so we both get the respect and decency from each other.
As a kid, consequences for me shaped me into the man I am today. It would have been detrimental to myself to be kept in a bubble and to think that what I do and say doesn’t have effects and consequences.
Well said Michael, we actually really enjoy being responsible because it empowers us to know we can make a difference, that we have an impact on life. It reminds us of our purpose.
If every child was raised to take responsibility for their choices and behaviours, we would eventually see a very different world.
It’s truly beautiful when families lovingly call out if someone is being irresponsible and support them to return to harmony. No need for judgement only understanding.
True love is giving our children a choice to take responsibilty. It will enable them to see life from a true perspective.
The beautiful thing of learning about consequences and boundaries is that we realise the power we all hold, and that every move we make impacts greatly on other and the world we are part of. As such we become aware of the responsibility we also hold as to how we are choosing to be with the power we hold, or not be.
Yes that is beautiful, that we can bring through so much love through how we are in the world. Responsibility is often something we try to mitigate because we think it is bad in that it’s hard work and onerous. I’m discovering, yes a little little by little, that’s it’s actually a joy, it’s part of my rhythm and being irresponsible feels incredibly yuck.
There’s a recklessness in us that likes to think it’s unbounded and unrestricted and ‘can do what it likes’. Yes it’s true we are all connected and unlimited but this simply means that every move or choice we make affects everything else. Talk about serious consequences! If we want Life to be loving we know what to do – live with integrity and truth.
It feels so honouring to listen to a child and give her respect for her own wisdom but to also explain and reflect lovingly that there needs to be responsible boundaries in our lives. When we live in this way, there are no issues with anything we are asking a child to do.
A boundary is just consistently knowing what is true – and in that you know there’s no end or limit to you, but it’s clear as day and night what is right.
There are consequences to everything in life. To give a child ‘carte blanche’ produces a super unrealistic view of life. The key is to understand that consequences are never punishments but supportive learnings and so we should deliver them like that.
That is a great point to make Joseph. If consequences are delivered as punishments there will only be resistance and resentment and the learning and growth on offer will be completely missed.
Boundaries and consequences aren’t about a loveless one-way relationship where someone sets down the ‘rules’ and others have to follow them. They can be about learning, and showing someone the effects of how we choose to live, and therefore a growing environment.
Boundaries and consequences also apply to how we are with ourselves – knowing and honouring our body’s limits, and learning from the consequences when we push it too far – or the opposite, i.e. when we don’t commit in full. Building an honest relationship with our bodies supports us to feel the consequences of all our choices and actions much more clearly, and to learn from them.
When something is lived I can’t deny it in them, if I resist it’s me not wanting to live that quality as well. It’s nothing to do with them as that is solid. And because it is solid it’s not asking anything of me, just an invitation. Invitations are more inviting than force or pushing.
Honouring myself as I parent and living what is true by example is what I call true parenting. My children are then invited to do the same. It is the same when I do not honour myself, there is an opening, an invitation for them to do the same. What becomes apparent though is, we may carry out consequences to teach our children but do we carry out consequences that support and teach ourselves?
Having the privilege to visit and work in schools I see this all the time – I find the schools that have more boundaries are the schools that the children feel most safe in.
This makes a lot of sense, most of us would feel that true boundaries come with a beholding quality.
Parenting has deepened my experience of who I am. It has supported me to tap into the awareness and wisdom I hold within and confirmed the awareness and wisdom my children have within them also.