I am the father of three children aged 10, 6 and 4 and of late I have been learning a lot about children, responsibility and being a parent. For instance, I had been making the children their lunches and breakfast every morning for a while, but now this has changed.
This morning the youngest child, who is 4, told me she would like to make the lunches for everyone today. At first I was a little hesitant with thoughts like, “What about the mess?”, “You can’t reach everything”, “I’d rather just do it myself”, all coming to mind. I let those thoughts go and let myself feel what she was saying / expressing, and I could see she wanted to actually do it.
She started making the lunches and my little boy, who is 6, got up and said he would like to make his own. Again a voice was there: “They will fight and argue”, “A bigger mess to clean up”, “I’d rather do it myself”, etc.
I stopped and again let myself feel what the children were saying / expressing; I said “Yes” and let it go. I watched, and enjoyed the two of them working in the kitchen together. They packed the lunches very similarly to how I do it – apples, cold bricks, sandwiches and snacks. They packed their elder sister’s lunch with all the things she liked. Their lunches were similar but they tailored each of them to what they knew they liked. The 6 year old made the sandwiches and handed them to the 4 year old to pack into the lunch boxes. They worked together and not against each other – it was really enjoyable to watch.
As I looked and reflected, I realised that in the past I had told them about responsibility and forced the children to do things under the heading of ‘responsibility’.
But now I can see that for me parenting is not pushing or telling the children what to do in the hope some of it will be listened to. Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.
Making the children lunches wasn’t to show I was a great parent or to show them anything. I was there, committed to doing their lunches for as long as needed. But I realised this morning that this had changed and now I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves. I was still there for support, and I was no less because I wasn’t actually making the lunches.
I think there is a bigger picture here for me in my life that goes beyond parenting, children and responsibility. It’s not about telling children / people what to do or showing them ‘how’ in any way that ‘gets’ them to see.
It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.
Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.
I have learned a lot from my ‘experiment’ with my children and responsibility. These ‘changes’ for me as a man have given me more freedom and are allowing me to say / express in a way that is more true to the man I actually am, naturally.
By RK, Goonellabah
376 Comments
Children know far more about what is going on then we give them credit for. Giving a child responsibility is the best schooling for life.
My job involves supporting people with disabilities to be independent. Yes I may able to do various tasks faster or more precise but doing it for another when they are perfectly capable doesn’t support them. It’s also really awesome to see what people can do and how they do it in their way that I may not of thought of before. We don’t see the beauty of someones expression if we do everything for them.
Thanks Leigh for your comment, and the blog really highlights how allowing everyone, adults or kids, the space to do things their own way and not be perfect, but as you say Leigh, in their own expression, is a wonderful reminder to take away today. I know I can sometimes be a bit controlling in the kitchen with a mindset of how things ‘have to’ be done.
Thank you so much for writing this blog especially what you have shared here
“I was there, committed to doing their lunches for as long as needed. But I realised this morning that this had changed and now I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves. I was still there for support, and I was no less because I wasn’t actually making the lunches.”
To have the understanding that the children were ready to do something themselves and yes they may not make the sandwiches in the way that you can but they have to start somewhere. And it is lovely to stop and watch them become independent and take responsibility for themselves.
A beautiful lesson in true parenting; teaching through example and then standing back when children are ready to take responsibility for themselves.
Parenting and responsibility go hand in hand – or at least it ought to
RK I really got the sense of you being a ‘moving part’ within the family. Not fixed and yet at the same time solid. Beautiful to feel. Thank you.
In being willing to let go of tasks we allow others to empower themselves and feel their valuable contribution.
In the past I have insisted on doing many things myself so as to ensure that they are done ‘my way’ because had they not been done ‘my way’ then I would have struggled with how I would have allowed myself to feel. Over time I have been practicing focusing on keeping myself steady regardless of what’s going on around me and as a result have been able to let go of a lot of the control that I had previously exhibited on both my environment and those around me. Boy oh boy does it feel better this way.
RK, I love what you are sharing in this article. My son has recently decided he would like to make some of his own meals, I also had the initial thoughts of “I would rather do it” and thought that he would not be able to, but it was really lovely to see how capable he is and how much he enjoys making his meals, he also makes them in a very gentle and tender quality which is very inspiring to see.
Working together in harmony is such a pleasure and as we deepen the developing relationship with our essences the simpler it becomes to not interfere with anthers evolutionary path.
Thank you RK for sharing this gorgeous revelation and example of what true responsibility is. Committing to being open to honouring the truth of that we see, feel and read, allows us to respond with what is truly needed to support or pulled up each other to live our true selves and evolve.
Responsibility, our responsibility in what we do and what we reflect is huge, ‘But now I can see that for me parenting is not pushing or telling the children what to do in the hope some of it will be listened to. Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.’
Great blog, thank you. I love what you write:
‘Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.’
And what a great example for children is that!
This sentence highlights to me our true role in life, which is to be responsive to it rather than to try and own it.
What a lovely example of children choosing to be responsible, and allowing the process to unfold, ‘Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.’
Ouch. I find this a bit ouch to read today as sometimes when I have friends over for dinner who have children, there can be a force from me in wanting the children to set the table and participate in the preparing of the meals. It feels like forcing a responsibility, rather than allowing it to come or asking them to join us in it.
It is so lovely to allow children to do things for themselves, to take the next step and invariably we find they are far more capable than we were initially expecting.