I am the father of three children aged 10, 6 and 4 and of late I have been learning a lot about children, responsibility and being a parent. For instance, I had been making the children their lunches and breakfast every morning for a while, but now this has changed.
This morning the youngest child, who is 4, told me she would like to make the lunches for everyone today. At first I was a little hesitant with thoughts like, “What about the mess?”, “You can’t reach everything”, “I’d rather just do it myself”, all coming to mind. I let those thoughts go and let myself feel what she was saying / expressing, and I could see she wanted to actually do it.
She started making the lunches and my little boy, who is 6, got up and said he would like to make his own. Again a voice was there: “They will fight and argue”, “A bigger mess to clean up”, “I’d rather do it myself”, etc.
I stopped and again let myself feel what the children were saying / expressing; I said “Yes” and let it go. I watched, and enjoyed the two of them working in the kitchen together. They packed the lunches very similarly to how I do it – apples, cold bricks, sandwiches and snacks. They packed their elder sister’s lunch with all the things she liked. Their lunches were similar but they tailored each of them to what they knew they liked. The 6 year old made the sandwiches and handed them to the 4 year old to pack into the lunch boxes. They worked together and not against each other – it was really enjoyable to watch.
As I looked and reflected, I realised that in the past I had told them about responsibility and forced the children to do things under the heading of ‘responsibility’.
But now I can see that for me parenting is not pushing or telling the children what to do in the hope some of it will be listened to. Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.
Making the children lunches wasn’t to show I was a great parent or to show them anything. I was there, committed to doing their lunches for as long as needed. But I realised this morning that this had changed and now I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves. I was still there for support, and I was no less because I wasn’t actually making the lunches.
I think there is a bigger picture here for me in my life that goes beyond parenting, children and responsibility. It’s not about telling children / people what to do or showing them ‘how’ in any way that ‘gets’ them to see.
It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.
Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.
I have learned a lot from my ‘experiment’ with my children and responsibility. These ‘changes’ for me as a man have given me more freedom and are allowing me to say / express in a way that is more true to the man I actually am, naturally.
By RK, Goonellabah
377 Comments
When we are given the chance to step up we should grab it with both hands as you have surely demonstrated in this blog for who knows when the next opportunity will present itself.
Kids watch everything going on around them. It is fascinating to observe how they copy what their parents do – so there comes a point where we show them and then allow them to try things for themselves. It is a beautiful way of letting them in and allowing them to express.
Thank you RK, it’s a different way to view responsibility as a parent – responding to the cues of what children are ready for and allowing them the space to expand.
I really enjoyed coming back to this blog. The message here is a simple one but also incredibly liberating for anyone stuck in a role or feeling life has to look a certain way, especially for parents as you have demonstrated the positive impact this can have on a child’s expression and sense of responsibility.
Children can be our teachers if we allow them to be themselves, they are a natural fountain of wisdom that has not yet been tainted by life. The secret to parenting is to allow this wisdom to flourish and not crush it by undermining their natural exuberance for life.
Love love love the fact you allowed your children the space to take responsibility, this is true parenting.
This is beautiful RK as it highlights the fact that children are innately wise contrary to the belief that we have to teach children to be wise, that because they are children that know less than what we do and so have to be taught. Allowing them space and confirming the expressing of their wisdom, of what it is that need to grow and evolve is precisely our responsibility as parents or guardians, so they are fostered to know and live guided by their own innate intelligence and inner-knowing.
What a beautiful example of allowing and raising children to come to their own understanding of responsibility and living it without imposition or force.
If we want to see a change in our children that makes them expand more in who they are it starts to bring that in our own way of living. They notice everything and that is the true education.
When my daughter was very small I loved to let her walk around through for example an AirPort. Walking being her and to see where she was going too, and which people to meet.
Who she went to talk with and who not.
Her adventure in life was wise, as they are when in small bodies.
It is very inspiring to see and feel how you parent your children Ray as it teaches me a lot about what true parenting is and can be like.
The richness is in our own hearts when we give our children the space to be themselves in their natural expression.
To let go the believes how it should be come mostly form our own education which comes from our grandparents etc. But the true education comes form the heart.
I have found that kids respond best to purpose, when they are connected too and given purpose we allow them the space to express and bring out all that they know and are capable of. When we limit kids to an education of regurgitation and when we do things for them we cut them off from this and retard their growth.
Thank you for giving us an insight into your kitchen and the way you have chosen to parent. I can see that children who are given the space to step up do so joyfully. These children have been supported to grow into adults that support themselves and their communities.
” As I looked and reflected, I realised that in the past I had told them about responsibility and forced the children to do things under the heading of ‘responsibility’. ”
This is a huge learning , what children love is for adults to be beholding of them that way they learn what they need to learn to support their own development.
I would have loved to been asked more to help out, as a child I could feel how those around me felt burdened with the amount of work they had to do – it would have been super cool to have been asked to help no matter how small it was. Asking children for help in a loving way shows utmost respect for them.
We intentionally hold back from giving children this foundation of truth. For whilst we might moan about their waywardness the fact is it keeps them dull, numb and unlikely to show us up. For when you let kids shine you have to be prepared to accept what happens when their light shines. Thank you RK.
Holding back so often can be because children so often mirror a great level of responsibility to connect to others that we can slip away from with our levels of busy times or distractions.
We often say no to children helping because we feel it is going to take twice as long, be really messy or they are going to hurt themselves cutting with a sharp knife but when we let go of these thoughts and trust we find how our children naturally want to help when given the opportunity and do so with great care and joy.
Its always good for me to read anything written about parenting as like many I struggle with it at times, lacking the patience or whatever. But this shows me that often we need to get out of the way and let that responsibility develop naturally in our kids and then it will be far more solid even though there will be the times we will have to step in if it starts going wonky.
Yes, I love that Kevin, I also find the blogs on these pages about parenting very supportive as they are honest, real and true. We can be very judgemental about our own ability to parent but it’s never too late to change and when we drop the judgment of ourselves and appreciate every moment as an opportunity to learn then we start to see our ‘mistakes differently’. Something which Serge Benhayon has said time and time again is it is never too late to parent differently no matter how old your children are.
What I love about this is that you lived it every day and your kids learnt from it and then they wanted to be part of it, this has to be parenting at it’s best – being an amazing role model so that kids have something amazing and true and real to look up to and to see what’s possible so they can start to make responsible choices for themselves.
We can’t teach responsibility but we can role model it which is what you did and then when they were ready to take it on you gracefully stepped back into a supporting role and allowed them to blossom. This is so loving and non imposing and also a great reflection in other areas e.g. my role as a support worker I need to work alongside clients but be very sensitive to when they are able to pick up the reins for themselves rather than automatically continuing with a task if it is not needed/would actually hold someone’s recovery back.
I don’t have kids but I can feel how they love to observe their parents and elders, learning from them constantly. It seems that when it is allowed, they naturally seek out responsibility which is interesting because in my view we are innately responsible beings – even though we may spend a lot of time and energy resisting and denying the fact.
“But I realised this morning that this had changed and now I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves”- In my experience as a parent I can really relate to this statement since there have been many times when I thought I was helping my daughter to do something or learn something, but in the end I was really just imposing on her natural evolution and choice to take more responsibility herself by doing things on her own. Being invested in myself to be a certain way as a supportive dad can really get in the way of this growth.
There are so many old patterns of parenting that everyone will benefit by when they are let go of.
Yes the feeling that we need to parent the way we were parented as that is our only known way does not allow for a growth or understanding that it may not work in this case and that we all offer each other a different reflection.
This is lovely and so great you were there to honour the commitment of your children to their life thank you for sharing.
What an incredible example of true parenting in action. There is no stress and a blossoming and expansion of absolute love when we are not identified with a role and simply allow others to be who they are.
What a lovely example of team work, super cute!
I have the privilege of having a friends child round for dinner once in a while and I often ask him to help with sweeping the floor laying the table and he absolutely loves it.
What greater education then to lovingly ask children to help out.
‘Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.’ Yes, parenting it is not something we do, but an observing attitude that allows and supports children to learn naturally what they need to learn next.
“It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.” It takes the pressure off. I love the industry I work in and see all the time what changes are needed to improve business returns. When I have got in the way of forcing the change quickly or controlling it, the system rebuts and the focus shifts to me being the issue, however, as RK points out, committing in full exposes what needs to change naturally so and if it comes from them it is true change.
I have to watch out too for the brief thoughts of comfort that can come in and tease me but by holding steady knowing what is true and sometimes I have to remind myself that I do know I respond to my children with love. Consistency is key.
What I love about this is that it points out that you can’t ‘make’ someone responsible. It is something that comes from within, through our own choices we can inspire another to make choices that are more supportive of themselves and others but we can’t force or convince them to do it- otherwise it is not a true and lasting impulse from them.
It’s wonderful to read about the cooperation happening so early… Could it be that this is actually inherent to us, and that we really do need to work together to be ourselves in truth
It is even beautiful to encourage the children to make their next step. They can do so much more, even it is in smaller portions of the task, then we think. We also like to keep them depending on us as this way we feel meaningful.
But like described in this blog how deeply enjoyable if we surrender to what is asked to let go of.
This is such a great example of not keeping everyone stuck in identifying with roles and recognition.
It is so beautiful to read and feel R.K you just being you in all of your love and true care and holding that in full so that your children have that consistent solid reflection as a support which the children then pick up on and can respond to because they have felt it within themselves.