Yesterday when I phoned a close friend in the South Island, I realised that it was not the ‘real me’ talking to her, even though our conversation had been ‘normal’. We have known each other for many years, see each other about twice a year and speak on the phone about once a fortnight.
When I got off the phone I felt really ‘yuk’. She had mentioned during the conversation that she was used to me being ‘bossy’ and that it was okay with her. This added to my yukkiness as it did not feel okay with me.
I know in the past I have been bossy and appeared ‘all knowing’, and that seems to be how some close friends and my family tend to perceive me. In the past this has made me feel important and I guess it has given me some form of recognition, but recently I have been feeling more uncomfortable with it and realise it is not the real me.
So I asked myself, why was it when talking to her yesterday (and probably most other times I talk to her) do I slip into old patterns of conversation?
Why am I afraid to show my close friend the real me?
It is partly about the fear of losing her friendship, as other friendships have dropped off in the last 2-3 years since I have made significant changes in my life. Out of habit I phone her regularly, but this is also about trying to hold onto our friendship as I feel that I could lose her friendship if we don’t have regular contact. I have also noticed that I don’t carefully discern the time I am phoning her – I am often tired, less aware of ‘me’, and find it easy to slip into the gossipy conversation we sometimes have.
As I am writing this I am aware of the huge need I have had over the years to have ‘friends’, and that I have expected these friendships to fill my emptiness.
Although I am developing a connection to and a love for myself, which I have not previously had, I still struggle to express that to others and allow them to feel the real me. It seems to be harder to reflect the real me honestly with family and close friends who have known me a long time, as not only do I slip into old patterns, but they expect me to still be in those patterns!
It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations. However, these are all things I am now working on and I feel that I am learning to live differently and generally have a greater awareness of the energy I am in before having a conversation, either at home or at work.
I truly appreciate the workshops, personal healing sessions and the people I have met through Universal Medicine who continue to support me to be the real me so that my reflection can be felt – not only by my close friends and family – but by all with whom I come into contact.
By Anne Hishon, Tauranga, New Zealand
True friendship as is true family is based on vibration.
True friendships are built on absolute honesty and openness.
I am practicing not pandering in relationships, which can feel a little hard at times but it also feels incredibly clean, clear and ‘dry’. When I pander or sympathise it feels muddled and somehow wet or soggy in some way. One supports us both to evolve and the other keeps us treading water, going nowhere.
Anne this is such a pertinent article for me to read today as I am meeting a friend who I have known a very long time and yet a friend that I know I am not being the real me with. Our conversations often take a familiar and at times almost uniform direction. I have been aware of this for a really long time and yet not addressed it. Things have come to a head recently and it is glaringly obvious to us both that things need to change. I am inspired by what you have shared to simply meet today, whilst dedicating myself to just being me with no investment in whether the friendship continues or how it might look if it does.
I love how you expose the investments we have in longer standing relationships and how this can affect our behaviour within them. Becoming more aware of this offers the opportunity to change patterns/habits of interacting that I have certainly hidden behind in the past but am now becoming more willing to challenge and release their hold on me.
We definitely change as we develop through life and each decade brings a different focus. It is fantastic to recognise and appreciate that and not revert to old patterns for fear of others noticing the changes, and we can understand that they too will change. Dropping old ways and evolving is definitely the way to go through life.
Friends that have known us a long time do notice when things start to change especially if we start making more self-loving choices, but I do understand about falling back into old patterns depending on who I am relating too.
It can be very interesting the choices we make out of habit but it is even more interesting when we stop and discern what is truly going on. A relationship either offers expansion or comfort and it is down to us as to what we choose from our moment to moment movements.
Thank you Anne, this has me wondering if I do this still – if I am not absolutely me whomever I am with – and how much of me am I willing to show. Great points to ponder on
The quality we express to another in is everything, it can be upholding the utmost integrity and respect and understanding of another or it can be lowered through needs, personal preferences and/or gossip. It is for us to learn the difference and from there choose which way is most important to ourselves.
We often play the protection game and keep the “real me” exclusively under lock and key to the select few but this also affects the subsequent quality of ALL our interactions including with ourselves. Being open with everyone is the ONLY way to ensure we bring the real self to what we do.
We do so much thinking that will get us something, whether it is keeping a friend or getting attention. Whereas the only thing that offers everyone more love is us being ourselves, without holding back. As soon as there is a picture, a need or an ideal, love is gone and we bring an imposition to the relationship. There is nothing greater than holding another in love and being held in love (without any need or outcome whatsoever, to true observation).
Yesterday someone asked me how it would be if I would allow myself to love other people as much as I really love people, which is endless and that would mean being the real me, all the time. No calibrating, thinking it will be too much for others and they won’t be able to handle it just love them to the bone. Now I give myself permission to do it with certain people or at certain occasions, for example when I have a wedding ceremony and I am allowed to speak about love. I feel so much space in my body when I feel into it and I will go and experiment with it.
This sentence really stood out for me Anne – “It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations.” It is something I have been pondering on recently myself. It is great to have this question raised and to have the opportunity and willingness to look more deeply within to understand why this is the case, and to start to embrace everyone with the same openness.
It is really great when we become aware of patterns that are not loving, ‘As I am writing this I am aware of the huge need I have had over the years to have ‘friends’, and that I have expected these friendships to fill my emptiness.’
I certainly relate to having close friends who I am not my total self with because I am scared to claim in full the changes I have made. Reading this blog highlights that if we hold back being who we truly are then we actually keep this from people we love and don’t give them the reflection that we will be ourselves no matter what
And this is deeply exhausting not fun at all. Better off being your true self and have fun not holding it back.
Thank you Anne, I really appreciated reading this blog today as it’s something I am also aware of right now, not being able to always be the real and full me with others. One thing I hadn’t considered are the existing patterns I go into and that others might expect that of me too.
It is great that you have felt this and what I have found is when we are developing our own connection and relationship with ourselves sometimes while this is unfolding it can be a bit ‘bumpy’ with others. As the walls of protection start to come down it is like learning to walk again .. to be in a different way with others. And I can really relate to what you share about calling friends when really what was needed to be done in that moment was to have just been with me. If we crave connection and look for this in any shape or form on the outside even with a telephone call to a friend or family, guaranteed the conversation will not be that great as on some level we are coming from a place of emptiness.
I have been known as bossy…I have realised that the more I am understanding and loving with myself the less I try and control and dictate in everyone else’s life. I am noticeably less controlling and so-called bossy now. The only way to drop habits that harm is with love and choosing a responsible way of life.
This is a great insight and understanding that you share with us Samantha, ‘I have realised that the more I am understanding and loving with myself the less I try and control and dictate in everyone else’s life.’
The more we are willing to live the truth of who we are with no perfection the more we give others the permission to do so whilst offering even more depth of conversation for us all to heal, confirm or appreciate.
It is interesting how, when there is function only in a relationship then there is no loving quality to it. And I guess the key here is to allow the functionality of life, yes. But to also be responsible for the quality that underpins everything, making function just a mere expression of that quality – be it: loving, gentle, cherishing, joyous, playful, committed, dedicated, discerning, stern. Whatever it is to be expressed can be done so in that activity of function. So life does not stop, we just always make sure that what is needed in that moment is given without reservation through our expressive nature.
A true friendship for me now is one where the truth is openly and honesty expressed and full transparency is shared, allowing evolution, inspiration and the power of what the constellation has to offer, to be at the heart of the relationship.
Very beautiful Carola, I love what you’ve shared. This is the same for me too and I deeply appreciate the friendships I have where we support each other to evolve.
What I have observed in my life is that the friends I have know for long, I am now sharing myself with as I have changed like from a billion angles, nevertheless it is so gorgeous to share with people who know you for so long, more of what they have potentially felt in you any way, our essence, even if it was just a little.. The thing that is adventurous is to deepen the relationships with the friends you know so well, as it asks us to let go of patterns and behaviors we have used for so long. But oh so powerful to break the cycles and introduce more space and love into that friendship.
When we have moments like this and feel the extent and rawness of not living our truth it is important we do not beat ourselves up or go into self judgement. The harm from that is way worse.
I think it’s brilliant that you can even recognise that you didn’t feel yourself talking to your friend, how often do we just slightly adjust our manner or tone or what we say when we talk to different people without even paying attention. If we can see it then we can change it.
So true Meg, with more awareness we are able to make changes to support us. Whereas if we are not tapping to our awareness, then it is easy to stay stuck in our old patterns and behaviours that may not be loving.
Friendships have the constant ability to offer us evolution – in every conversation and interaction we have we have a choice to develop that connection deeper, when we do go there the magic starts to really happen.
It certainly does Sam. When we experience this level of connection in our friendship we also get to feel a sense of brotherhood.
I find that at work I hold back showing and expressing all that I know and a greater depth of me. I play myself down, become the jokester and speak in a way that does not allow others to access a part of me that I hold dear and that if I shared this with others would also give them permission to share those parts of them.
Connection is everything. It supports us through thick and thin and allows us to see the deeper part of us, that we no longer have to deny.
“It seems to be harder to reflect the real me honestly with family and close friends who have known me a long time, as not only do I slip into old patterns, but they expect me to still be in those patterns!” Ah this has been a real frustration in my life, that is family members or close friends expecting me to be in the same patterns I was in years ago, even after being told many times that I no longer do xyz. But I’m learning to let go of the need for people to see me in the way I know I am. The frustration was borne out of injustice and indignation which would be flung at them when their expectations were voiced. This inevitably meant all they could feel was an attack from me which would have made them deaf to the truth. I no longer try to convince people I’ve changed. I just focus on living those changes and leave others be to think whatever they want to think.
We’re afraid to be ourselves with our old friends and family, is it because we’re scared of losing them or because we’re scared of losing our old “identity”?
An interesting point Viktoria which I had never considered but feels true to me. In my longstanding relationships I have often played the role of confidante and solver of others problems and I am recognising that this has given me identification and a reason for people to continue/come back to me and make me feel needed/useful. This feels really yucky and is definitely something for me to explore as my more recent friendships feel much more equal and easier for me to be all of me rather than putting on a coping front that never allows anyone to get close to me thus leaving me with a feeling of being alone and misunderstood.
More and more I am coming to realise that our friendships can hinder us if we let them. This is because we have all sorts of rules in friendships and a lot of those are hidden, for example the rule that this blog exposes which is around not showing our true self. We can avoid showing our true self because we want to keep a friend, however that is not true friendship. Friendship is about two people connecting for a purpose and the purpose will always be to reflect something to each other for the purpose of evolution.
When we miss the true love in us, and our equalness with God, we get caught in the rollercoaster of false adoration, following others and flattery. Like hanging out with a groupie our pride can get pumped up but ultimately we know that it’s not right. All of this starts with our relationship with us.
Whilst it may be challenging to step out of old patterns, from experience I can testify that it is well worth it if it means that in the end you are left with a relationship that is based on truth and love. Even if the other person is not ready for that at that moment, at least they know and have felt there is a foundation of true connection and love that is always there for them to return to.
Being with family and old friends and being in old patterns is easy and happens almost with out realising it whereas with new people it is easier to be who we are but the more we build a solid knowing relationship with ourselves it allows us a knowing and foundation to be with others lovingly and consistently open and the real us..
We go into acts to protect our senses from the things we don’t want to feel. The crucial thing we need to see is these acts do not work but just cause us all pain and encourage others to hide their beauty as well. Thank you Anne for this honest relatable sharing.
When we spend a long time behaving a certain way, we identify with that behaviour as some sort of marker of who we are, as do those who know us. Then when we realise the falsity of this, it can seem overwhelming to disassemble as we have made this our ‘norm’, when really it is so far from our norm we wonder how we ever even ended up there in the first place! I have found that there is a way to move where we can be deeply honouring of ourselves and others and in so doing we can be true to who we are and allow others to receive the reflection that the ‘falsity made norm’ is simply a layer of illusion we all must crawl out from, if we so choose.
Coming back to who we are – we can allow others space to be themselves too and let go of everything that is actually not truly us. So simple.
This is a really interesting phenomenon that Anne has exposed here- regarding how we tend to drop into old patterns with friends and family when we are with them again, even after letting them go with others. My feeling is that this has something to do with an investment in people accepting us as they did in the past via acting in a way that was comfortable for them and did not push any buttons or inspire them to be more themselves. In other words, by contracting away from expressing ourselves in full as in an old pattern, we get the acceptance from others instead of realizing we can be our full self all the time and inspire others to do the same.
Indeed… And yet when we do allow ourselves to be who we truly are it is the opportunity for others to see a reflection that they really get to see, and the consequent opportunity for change and evolution.
The more I allow myself to feel and appreciate the solid foundation of love within myself the more I can stay with the real me and not slip into old ways of being with people I have known for a long time but like you said Anne, when I am tired it is more likely these old patterns come up and yes I choose to be less aware in that moment.
Anne, a great example what happens when our awareness increases – what was normal or acceptable up to this point in our life can suddenly look and feel unbearable even though outwardly nothing has changed.
What true friend are we when we hold back who we are? And what relationship are we in that only a compromised version of ‘you’ is accepted? Truly beautiful question it is to ask: are we being real in our friendships and if not, how can we let out more of ourselves and be transparent about who we are; what we are feeling, what we feel as important, what we value and like and dislike etc. Sharing is loving. Loving to you and me.
I have noticed that the more real I am about how I am living with no projection of perfection I am bringing a deepening level of understanding of myself and others. Great qualities that support a relationship to continue to grow.
Yes, and allows us to take action or have an understanding where needed.
When we are invested in an idea of what a successful relationship is, we forgo what a true relationship is and what is really on offer. For a truly successful relationship is one that never wavers from expressing the truth or inspiring one another to evolve.
Conversations can sometimes be so revealing… Not surprising considering that everything that we are is expressed through our voice… What is great is when we actually choose to really listen
Absolutely Chris. And this is a level of responsibility that not many of us our willing to accept!
It is interesting how sometimes I phone someone when I am at a store shopping – not only am I not aware of what I am putting in my basket, but I’m not really 100% in the conversation either, and I know I dont like going through the check outs on the phone because I feel its disrespectful to the person on the checkout – but I still sometimes do this, trying to fit a conversation into the day rather than allowing the space for it
I’m sometimes also worried about how people would react if I show my ‘real me’. Instead of that, in those moments what truly separates me from them is not me, but those thoughts that lead me to holding back.
I’m sometimes also worried about how people would react if I show my ‘real me’. Instead of that, what truly separates me from them in those moments is not me, but those thoughts that lead me to holding back.
The greatest friend you can have is with yourself and God. How do you do this? I start with the gentle inbreath at the tip of the nose. This connects me to my innermost that is in exact image of God.
Wonderful blog Anne. When we make changes in our lives we are faced with the fact that we have to deal with the outplay of our previous choices even though we are no longer choosing that way. When I approach things from this angle it makes it much easier to bring understanding to others as they adjust to changes I have made.
When we have relationships based on not wanting to lose them, we can often bend who we are to fit into a warped perception either theirs or ours of what friendships mean. This can completely take the natural magic away and erode what was there – always best to be ourselves.
A delightfully brief and yet very revealing commentary upon the way we interact in our lives… And how we can choose to actually be who we truly are with everyone
Yes when we start to change the way we have been with people, there can be reactions, I am learning to deepen my love and hold a steadiness in these times and remain open regardless of the reactions, I am far from perfect but when I do this I am not playing into the game.
This is a great observation Anne, and one that has a similarity to what my daughter and I discovered. Now and again we would have conversations about how to do such and such on a computer and I would slip into this ‘I can’t because I am studpid energy’ and she would react and get frustrated with me, and the cycle would continue. Until that is we spoke openingly about it and could see where my belief came from and how it was still playing out in my life.
I have been noticing how I try to complicate and close the doors to intimacy when I can feel my friendships are getting more loving and intimate. I start allowing in expectations, comparison and jealousy, these are huge barriers that stops any relationship from developing and further deepening because they create all sorts of hurts and complications. I am beginning to recognise these patterns I draw in and how I use them to push people away all because I am resisting intimacy, and it is awesome to start seeing these games I play and to put a stop to them as they appear.
Love the fact that you opened up the topic of ‘gossipy type conversations’. I’ve been observing that in certain circumstances this can happen. What is true to note is the common denominator is me.
Old patterns we have with friends can be hard to break but the more we stand strong in what we know is true for us the more we evolve, being sloppy and staying in habitual behaviour with friends is one sure way to make life stagnant.
Women in particular I feel, from quite young on (I’m thinking high school), have a propensity to develop quite intense, co-dependent relationships with each other out of neediness of some kind or the other which in truth serve neither party. It’s great to be aware of the possibility of these types of connections and make more mature choices when it comes to how our friendships with other women are conducted.
The stronger the relationship with ourselves the stronger we are and keep our integrity with others. There are lots of times I could give in to thoughts that tempt me back into old ways that no longer support me, the more committed I am to evolving the more my relationships sort themselves out.
It can be really uncomfortable to feel how others have been hurt by you or judge you and hold you to ransom for your past behaviours and demeanours that you know in your heart were not you but come through you so you are responsible for them all the same. Nonetheless it is our ongoing responsibility to always discern the quality of our expression and correct the patterns that feed these behaviours and demeanours for they hold us all back from living our potential.
It could be said too that people are really only ever rejecting themselves even though on the surface it feels like they are rejecting us. If we are transparent and in our essence they may feel they cannot join us in that, or receive whatever reflection is on offer to inspire them back to their own true selves. It comes back to their own relationship to themselves.
Thanks Anne, I can feel that there are new ways of expression waiting there in my existing relationships and that letting this out would be more true to both of us.
Being more aware of our behaviours and or old patterns allows us to see when they come out to play and why. Being honest and letting people see who we really are leads to more intimate relationships with not only ourselves but with others too and can change the whole dynamic for all relationships thereafter.
Being willing to let the world see you, hear you and feel you as you are is a blessing for all involved.
I find that the only way to not go into old patterns is to remain very present in my body.
What I am finding more and more in conversations with old friends and or family is how does my body feel. Am I connected to my movements and do I speak up when the opportunity is there instead of holding back out of niceness or to keep the peace? I am finding the simplicity in taking a moment to feel my body even just my hands or my feet in my shoes and then speaking from there it makes huge difference and it brings great ease and joy to my body too.
I have found that the hardest people to be myself around are those who I have known for a long time. But I can see how I am the one holding back out of fear of loosing them and in this they actually miss out on who I really am. As do I.
I can easily relate to what you have so honestly shared Anne as the same thing happened when I too” made significant changes in my life”. Those around me often struggled to accept the changes even though they knew why I had made them; to improve the quality of my life which had been very challenging for so long. It has taken a while but as a result of my ‘new lease on life’ and the consistency that I have held the changes they are now so much more accepting and as a result our relationships which were once wobbling are now very steady and expanding in many ways.
It’s quite interesting to look at what we do before talking to certain friends and family in our lives. Do we make sure we are connected and feel ourselves or do we make sure we are not connected and are tired and feeling obligated. I’ve done the latter many many times and then wonder why I feel so awful afterwards and the whole conversation is strained.
It’s a great point Aimee that feeling strained is a signal we are not being true to ourselves.
The timing and space to connect with people is so key in developing relationships. When a connection is made based on a sense of duty or on the past, then we cna interfere with what relationships can truly offer.
The pictures of what it means to be a ‘friend’ are fed from a consciousness that seeks to reduce the true purpose of the evolution that real friendships offer. Being honest, open, transparent with ourselves first is what allows real friendships to develop in truth and supports us to grow and celebrate who we are in essence, through our sharing, and our togetherness and our willingness to deepen our connection to love. When we are led by pictures we miss out on deepening quality relationships, we miss out on the realness, the richness, the confirmation and the opportunity to evolve which is alive whenever we meet another in truth, be it a day, week, month, year apart.
Thankyou Carola, it’s a very simple foundation you have presented, to be our real and full selves with others and allow the evolution that comes with that, as opposed to living to the pictures of what relationships can be and the conditions that come with these, which effectively reduces what’s possible in terms of growing and expanding together.
I can so relate to this blog and friendships are very interesting, do they feed us what we need to feel secure in or do they give us the opportunity to evolve? I certainly have my leaner plates on here and every ‘friend’ is giving me the opportunity to discern which one it is.
It’s a great point you have made about relationships Shushila “do they feed us what we need to feel secure in or do they give us the opportunity to evolve?”
The behaviours we take on with friends and family can be so ingrained that it does require a lot of patience, acceptance and understanding of ourselves and developing a loving relationship with myself is certainly supporting me in the unfolding of what it means to live the ‘real me’ in my relationship with friends and family.
I know exactly what you mean about slipping into old ways with old friends and, in my case, often with siblings. I had not considered how much their wanting to keep me in a certain way has added to this and how I have fallen for it or reacted against it.
There’s a comfort and safety in relationships feeling the same, and often strong dynamics in existing family relationships which seek that familiarity to feed a need or emptiness.
Your Blog Anne touches on something that is common to everyone and invites a deeper level of honesty and awareness. Growing the awareness of our body and checking in regularly allows a more truthful picture of where we are at in the moment. This is something I have not done regularly but have started to do. We are responsible for how we are in the world and it is very easy to ignore that and get swept up in what is going on around us. The need to be included and valued at any cost can be a bigger price to pay than we sometime realise.
When we do let, ourselves open up, be vulnerable and share with friends there is a beauty in the response and honesty between both that follows. Equally, there is a power in nominating ‘ill actions’ between friends when needed and being called out for it…this actually builds trust and a great relationship.
Its funny how we hold back in talking with people with honesty in fear of losing their friendship, and yet it is what we all crave as it brings intimacy, trust and honesty. For sure some people will not want it, but most likely we will draw more people closer to us as they will feel the simplicity and genuineness of the friendship on offer and the love that there is to be shared.
Great sharing Anne, patterns can run deep and we need to give ourselves time to change old patterns and introduce new ones, sometimes its easy to start this with new people and then bring it through with family and friends.
Thank you for sharing this Anne – I can recognise the same thing in me – whereby I change back into old habits with old friends to keep things comfortable. Reading your blog really brought this to my attention and i can appreciate that there is an area for me to look and – as to why I pander and hold back being the true me.
Thank you Anne for sharing, I can relate to what you are saying about old patterns, at a new job I am doing I am seeing myself go into old patterns of dealing with a similar situation as in the past, my past way of relating is not truly me, and so but this pattern has been brought to my attention for it to be cleared.
A lightbulb went on reading this blog today – when aware of a behaviour we feel uncomfortable with its because we know it is not us, it is not who we truly are or how we would truly be in life. Thank You Anne.
We hold onto so many patterns and images of ourselves because of the recognition others have given us, and so many of these are not loving, we may receive the recognition that temporarily lifts us or get us acceptance, but ultimately the body does not lie and we would feel that is not us. Frequently I feel I am accepted (more) when I do not speak up and is easy going, but the tension that I feel when something needs to be said and I hold back feels extremely damaging. The easiest way is not to think about to say or not to say, but to simply feel and move according to what is felt.
If we consider the extremities of what is going on in the world and the state of our relationships and communities everywhere not to mention our health and wellbeing, it is clear that the only way we can ever offer any true change in this world is to be the real deal with all we meet and connect with as it is these old patterns that hold us all back, not just individually.
What a lovely blog to read Anne, it feels so honest, open and loving. For me this morning it is a great reminder to be aware of the energy I am in whist talking and connecting with people; also have I connected to myself first?
If we commit to engaging in a process of healing the hurts we have harboured in life – hurts perhaps from childhood, from abusive situations and relationships, that have led us to be less than who we truly are in the lived expression of our everyday – then we will inevitably have to meet such situations as you have described here Anne. Situations where our own need for a relationship and/or pattern of seeking comfort in it (even if it doesn’t truly serve us – at least it’s been a ‘known’…) gets exposed for us to look at what we’ve created.
Is it open to change? And are WE open to bringing all that we are to the other, even when the reflection we receive back from them tells us they would far prefer we be our ‘old selves’ than the new… That is the ‘testing point’ if you will, isn’t it – and one that offers us the opportunity to step beyond our own personal needs and desires, and recognise that true service and love for another, means to be all that we truly are with them and not hold back a skerrick of what we know to be true.
Thank you Victoria for everything you have shared here including “That is the ‘testing point’ if you will, isn’t it – and one that offers us the opportunity to step beyond our own personal needs and desires, and recognise that true service and love for another, means to be all that we truly are with them and not hold back a skerrick of what we know to be true.” One approach is for self and those unresolved hurts and emptiness, and one is to be filled with oneself, whole and complete and contributing that to the all. There is a beautiful clarity in everything you have shared here, thank you.
The true nature of a friendship can be very readily revealed when one party makes changes in their lives that step outside of the familiar ‘status quo’ of how things have been… Family, friends, colleagues, neighbours… people often react and seek to place us back into a submissive role – especially when our life changes encompass deeper self-care, love and honouring.
All great learning, if one is truly committed to healing that which has held us back from a true and fully lived expression of love in our lives (the real deal of love – not wishy washy in the slightest…). We must be willing to energetically look at and understand the interplays that occur, and see where we ourselves may well find that ‘old ways’ we’ve actually grown beyond, are still a default mechanism when push comes to shove.
Thanks Victoria, I have really received great support from the clarity of your comment. This exact thing happened to me when I went to a new level of love for myself and challenged a status quo in a relationship – the other person reacted strongly, possibly to protect exploring the hurts that the next level of healing would require. What I didn’t do at the time was continue to allow myself to go to a deeper level of love with myself, as the situation was quite intense and I also went into reaction as I had a need for this relationship to continue (and had a picture it would). Extracting myself out of both of our reactions I can see that I was simply initiating more love in my life and regardless of how the world may react it’s essential to my wellbeing to keep deepening the love I can live. And it’s a great learning to realise I can allow people the space (without my need) to come to that in their own way and time. Your comment has given me such a clearer understanding of the mechanics at play – thankyou. Both this comment and the one you’ve made below have been incredibly supportive – I could read a whole book from you on the topic 🙂
Great reminder to check the energy I am in before having a conversation. I have often forged ahead with a conversation because I want to get it over without discerning whether it is true to actually have the conversation at that particular moment and sometimes at all. I can feel how imposing this is and it’s no wonder that the outcome of such conversations is so often unsatisfactory and potentially damaging for my relationships.
Discovering the real me is an interesting process and one that I feel is not yet complete as there are often sneaky corners of what is not the true me putting up a smoke screen. I have cleared a lot of mist from the mirror but I am enjoying walking through the mirage as I reconnect to who I truly am.
I know exactly what you mean Anne when you describe how you hold back the true you in case you loose your friends. It serves noone and least of all ourselves. In fact it is deeply harming for the body.
I love the lessons you have presented to us here Anne. Just being ourselves allows others to be themselves; certainly a work in progress as we express more of our true selves. Thank you Anne for sharing.
Beautiful sharing Anne, I can feel times when I ring people out of need or to feel better, however, this is not honouring of them or of myself. It is imposing to want something from them without outrightly asking for support and it also caps the relationship. I am also learning about speaking up when those comments are made and expressing how I feel about them, when I do this it allows the relationship to go much deeper.
I have been feeling recently in a newer relationship how what I didn’t previous consider to be harmful or disturbing now does feel disturbing. But the other may not see it or feel it in the same way or not see any harm in what I feel is harming. In the past I have listened to others rather than honour my feeling and change my ways in the belief that if I honour how I feel more and more it will be so different to everyone else and we won’t be relatable. But even as I write that it feels like a lie because when I express how I feel and experience life more often than not I feel closer to the other person, not further away! And when they do the same again that feeling of union is there.
It is weird how hard we often find it to be the real us, you would imagine it would be hard to be anything else. We have made so many things in this world upside down, inside out and back to front – how lovely it will be when we are all back in order and harmony.
I love your honesty here. I have recently realised as well how I have judged a really good friend, it felt like I was putting all these projections on her of how she was not allowing her to be who she truly is, it was very insidious to feel and I mentioned to her what I had been doing. This is really important, when do we contact people? Do we contact them because of a need, in a rush, for recognition, because we feel we ‘have to’ or to fill a space we have in our day etc? The intention of connecting with someone is really important and affects the quality of the time together ‘I have also noticed that I don’t carefully discern the time I am phoning her – I am often tired, less aware of ‘me’, and find it easy to slip into the gossipy conversation we sometimes have.’
When we change, the response or reaction of old friends can be wonderful or very hurtful until we realise that they are making a choice for themselves, much of it due to their own past choices and then it feels actually very harmonious to offer them that choice and to let them make that choice, regardless of what that choice is.
for many people this is a real problem… Expressing with authenticity… Allowing the ‘real me’ to speak and to be heard… And this is where what Universal Medicine presents is so incredibly effective for our everyday lives because it shows us how to feel what our true selves actually is, and then how to express from that place of reconnection… And our life cannot help but change .
At the end of the day, as you have clearly expressed through your experience there is nothing in this world that can compare to the freedom that comes from truly being ourselves, expressing from our inner-most being, and furthermore we then offer the absolute truth of who we all are and the opportunity to deepen our relationships in and with true love.
Thank you, Anne for being so honest with us about how we are able to even with our close friends not be intimate or are not allowing ourselves to be truly us. It is so important to stand still by this and actually feel why we are not letting ourselves been seen.. Or letting the other person truly in and see them for who they are. Such important foundation to be aware of whilst building on all our relationships.
To truly honour what we feel in any situation is such a beautiful reflection to offer anyone in our lives as it gives us all the permission to simply be ourselves.
Seeking acceptance, recognition and approval from the outside makes us feel needy, and will keep people away, whereas when we have that deep love and acceptance of who we are within we allow the flow and acceptance of what is and what is not.
Being scared of losing relationships is a huge and totally common thing. How much do we bend ourselves to suit the needs of another, whether it be family, friends or work colleagues? The question is, why do we want and value the opinion of another more then the relationship with ourselves?
Allowing us to observe how we are with people is already the first huge step in bringing true change to our lives.
Who is “the real me” is a big question which I know for me, lead me off on a most wonderful, although sometimes quite painful, journey of self-exploration; a journey that has taken quite a few years, but definitely the best journey in this life. To begin to choose to peel back the layers of who you think you are can be very confronting, sometimes very sad, but all the time well worth every inward glance, thus clearing the way to re-connect to the beautiful beings we all naturally are and have buried under layers of ideals and beliefs.
Some great reminders here Anne about old, comfortable patterns of expression with others, versus putting down the mask and returning to the simplicity of being me in full. I always feel like there is some risk to dropping my guard with those close to me, to allow myself to just be in the fullness and fragility of all that I am, yet living without that fullness of my connection is hurting me more than any perceived risk.
I have found that over the years the more I don’t show the real me to others is a big ouch in not showing the real me to ME!
It is gorgeous to go to courses not to attain something or fulfill a need of some kind but rather just learn to uncover and live everything we already innately are.
Developing a true loving friendship with yourself is the doorway to deepening friendship with others.
The moment I know I am compromising myself or not saying something that needs to be said I know I am looking for acceptance rather than being myself with another.
This is great Anne, first because you had built a foundation of honesty where you were able to see how you talked to this old friend and how it was not you, then because you were able to see that you are building that true foundation of love that will naturally treat and express to all equally. Sometimes we slip back into protection thinking that our love needs to be shielded, but actually this is only when we separate from love and then allow the thoughts to take over – because true love never needs protection.
Anne I certainly agree that the people who I held back from were the ones who had been in my life for years and then when I started to make more loving choices I did not want to claim this when I was with them. It was almost like I was feeding what was comfortable because if I let them see the loving changes I had made they would have to look at how they were living, and I was never ever the alpha in any of my relationships, I’d always go along with the other person.
i’ve been dealing with this for a number of years and come to accept that there have been people who have fallen out of my life as a result of me claiming the choices I am making. And I’m OK with this, because at the same time I have friends who have remained in touch, who do accept my choices and who are in fact making different choices in their lives too. So you see the thing for me has been to not hold back in any way. And what will be will be.
This is great Anne, I can easily relate to what you have shared spending most of my life being all things to everyone as I was invested in being liked by my friends and family. Deepening the relationship and appreciating me first has been key to bringing the fullness of me to all my relationships and often I am amazed at how the connection then becomes more true and loving.
We do know when we are not being ourselves and feeling this in our bodies does feel horrible. With this awareness we have the opportunity to change how we behave and bring our ‘real’ selves to all our relationships.
Allowing ourselves in and building a relationship that is real and honest first, supports seeing when we are doing the pretend game with our friends and family. I’ve called on bossy and controlling most my life as a form of protection and a guard, and also as a false sense of confidence. If I could be one up on another than that must mean I can go out in the world and be confident…. ah no! not the case I’ve now realised thank goodness. It just pushes people more away, and pushes who I am further down too.
I can relate to being described as bossy and can recall as I was growing up how I used to boss my siblings around and then how this became a bit more sophisticated as I got older – perhaps not coming outright as ‘bossy’ but masked as being very assertive, controlling and often judgemental of others. I can feel now that I was often like this because I didn’t want to feel my own vulnerability and used this behaviour as a way to protect myself from potentially being hurt. I’m learning to be much more open and honest with myself about how I’m actually feeling and this is definitely helping me to receive and give feedback to and from others.
I often find a similar thing where I slip into old patterns with old friends and where with new friends and people in my life I find it much easier to be me. It seems there is a strong momentum with old friendships and it is as though here is an established way of being. This may have been lived for a long time and breaking out of this momentum takes dedication. As we choose something different more often, the momentum gets less and less.
Hi Anne and I thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I can relate to not always being my same self with everyone. I know I too slip into old ways of relating with different people and especially those I know well. The thing I feel to do to prevent that is to listen to my inner most voice and not my head, therefore not rubbing anyone up the wrong way.
This is a great sharing Anne, i have noticed that when I have not been honouring and taking care of myself I will go into old patterns in relationships and old hurts and other things can come in. However, when I do really honour myself the level of love and connection that is then present supports the relationships to build a more loving foundation.
As I become more aware of my immense depth and the many choices I make each day and the quality held within those choices I feel called more consistently to be true. When my way of living comes up against old patterns when they arise in relationships that have been built on this old way, I can lose myself. Your blog has asked me to go deeper in understanding what is happening and how to be in those moments. There is an inclusion, a comfort and reward for continuing to foster the old pattern and also foster separation from self in the other person. It is simple to just be ourselves and by making this choice the reflection will always be there to others and what a true relationship offers.
It’s true that people who have known us a long time can find it challenging when we start to make different choices. But any discomfort on our part with this is of our own choosing when we set too much store on how others react or respond.
I know I have allowed old patterns to emerge in relationships and then not done anything to address them. I feel much more confident now to be who I am regardless of the outworn perceptions some may still carry. It feels so harmful to not honour who we are.
It seems bizarre at first to consider you can speak and say things that don’t come from you. If it’s not you then where does it come from? from who? But after a while of watching and observing your behaviour, it is easy to see, as you say Anne, that sometimes the things you say feel horrid in your body. Sometimes the words seem to strike out and hurt other people. Sometimes they sit like fluffy feathers padding the space between you and those close to you. Sometimes they seem to erect invisible walls trying to make it so people can’t see through. The more we pay attention to our body’s quality, the greater clarity we can get about whether we speak truth or lies.
Beautifully expressed Joseph and so true. I love the way you describe the effect some of the words we choose to say have on us particularly – ‘sitting like fluffy feathers’, Being nice or saying what you think others want to hear doesn’t feel true and the other person can feel that too.
Other people, especially those close to us, hold us in old patterns but this is only coming from their protection. It is up to us to re-imprint the relationship by reading and understanding what is playing out and continue to come from a place of connection until such time as they feel a freedom to release their protection and have a truer exchange.
I know that feeling Anne, the ‘yuk’ feeling after speaking with a friend where I realize I simply haven’t been with me and instead allowed another energy to be there; one that can be arrogant and smart. I have realized, especially after attending the recent Universal Medicine Retreat at Lennox Head, that I have been in protection my whole life and developed a persona that has been at the forefront of my relationships. It is so ingrained and in fact most people close to me have their own version running so we are simply bouncing off each other’s protection and often hurting each other from the sharp tongues that can result. It comes up in a flash and there it is: something has been said in a way that makes the other person feel like defending themselves.
We have been given a gift of gold to now know how to work with this pattern: it is all in the way that we move in every gesture and word of the day which will guarantee that when we express, it will come from the real Us. This is something I am very much appreciating and exploring currently.
When we allow ourselves to connect with who we truly are, this automatically by the very nature of that connection, starts to allow the mask and the protection to be dropped… As we do this the world has the opportunity to see us as we truly are which is then a very beautiful thing for all to see, and very inspiring.
What you share here with us all Anne is quite an eye opener for me. Having realised of late that I do hold back (my light) in expressing with a certain few. They only get a part of me that I’m willing to share not the whole amazing package that in truth is the ‘real me’. Work in progress. If I do not reflect my truth how can I expect a reflection back from them to be ‘the all’ that they are!
Until we really know ourselves, we are always relating to others through the Shields and masks that we have developed through our lives… But when we do start to let go of these barriers, it is an amazing opportunity for others to even feel themselves as well, and to start to connect with their true selves.
Your comment Anne – ‘It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations’ – is something I have been aware of in my life and I have observed myself going into struggle when with family and friends I have known most of my life. The patterns I get caught up in of being nice, not saying anything to upset another, to want to be liked and not really feeling what is true in my body are all old ways of being that no longer feel true. The times I have been true to what is felt in my body means that I then go on to justify or defend my usually watered down version of what I would like to express. Your blog has brought much for me to ponder – thank you for your honesty.
Great sharing Anne and Christine. It is power-full to feel that these patterns are not our true selves expressing, and that they are something else. I have found in my experience that any behaviours like this are always a protection, a guard to seemingly protect the precious love inside. Silly though because love needs no protection only expression.
“..love needs no protection only expression”
– love it Joshua.
I agree Liane, Joshua “love needs no protection only expression” is a great quote!
It is interesting how we can sometimes feel a little low and fall back into old patterns such as gossiping with friends. I know some of my friends were almost exclusively held in relationship because of these patterns and keeping their association in this way limited us both. Being more honest with myself and showing all of me to others is a great way for relationships to be allowed to evolve, even if that means ending and moving on from our own choices.
I love your honesty and openesss in this blog Anne. And it is about something that I am sure everyone can relate to. I know that I am still struggling at times to be the real me depending on the people I am with. Knowing that before I have been the pleaser and entertainer who also looks for comfort with her friends and family, always smiling and being sympathetic. But now I feel it is a disservice to myself and my friends when I fall into that old pattern again, which does still happen at times to be honest. It feels like the more I get to know how I am when I am claiming myself in full, the more aware I am of how I calibrate my true self depending on who I am with…a great awareness to have as I can stop myself falling into the old patterns.
A beautiful sharing Anne, I noticed the other day I slipped into an old pattern of behaviour with people, it was one where I went inward and wanted to keep everybody out, so different to other times when I am with my self, expressing my joy, being open and accepting, letting in all I come in contact with, a vast difference.
Many people are afraid to show people what they feel is their true selves… Most definitely a huge majority of people at work feel it’s not safe to..” be themselves” around their colleagues… Of course this is from old hurts and as I said not feeling safe… what really is needed is for us to build a bridge back to ourselves, to know ourselves first, and then we have the potential and the possibility to bring our true selves out and to show it to the world.
Awesome Anne. Although it is challenging and uncomfortable, it’s also totally empowering to be honest about our imperfections and how we can rise above their confines actually supports us to continually express more and more of the real us.
Wow Anne. This is something that I could have written about myself and some of my ‘older’ relationships if I had been honest about how I really am in these relationships. Thank you for your powerful and insightful sharing.
In the past, the main reason for not being all of who I am around family and friends was feeling the possible rejection and reaction to my expression of my true self. Nowadays I am more willing to be open, honest, harmonious and love but there are still times where I lessen myself so others don’t feel so uncomfortable. It doesn’t make sense to hold back on showing our amazingness when this offers the opportunity for others to feel this in themselves.
I can absolutely relate to this Anne. I am doing the same thing…holding on to past patterns of behaviour in order to keep some percieved ‘normality’ to relationships. It’s no good, I don’t feel good for it. I feel driven by the fear that I will lose people close to me, and am therefore am often only a percentage of my full self around certain people.
Yes Elodie and Anne, I also can see this same sort of pattern in my relationships with family and old friends. Lately I have been working on being open when I am around them and staying as present as possible and have noticed that there have been changes in how things flow. Things generally seem easier once I have relieved myself of the pressure I have been putting needlessly on myself and I have been having more authentic encounters which has felt lovely, not to mention validating.
Every day presents an opportunity with someone to reimprint how we express with them as different scenarios and people, ask us to say what is there to be said from a truth we are feeling at the time instead of holding onto it and either not expressing it at all or watering it down. It’s good to catch those moments and get to the bottom of what made you step away from yourself to relate to them. What false pattern has been chosen?
Thank you Anne for sharing your experience, it was great to hear how the body is reacting to the old patterns of relating, once seen they start to loose the hold over us, allowing more of the true self to emerge.
Thank you for your honest and inspiring blog Anne. Letting go of the yuckyness and returning to our yummyness – feeling and recognising when old behaviours no longer serve us or anyone else feels so expansive – i’m still amazed at how great I feel after expressing from my truth after feeling anxiousness before I did!
I t really is amazing when we start to let people see the real us, when we trust enough to drop the mask, surrender and heal the hurts that put the mask there, and let who we truly are shine out
Beautifully expressed Chris. This is so true and by doing this we come out of hiding and show our true face.
Thank you Anne, this is such an honest and inspiring blog. It is amazing you recognised what made you feel ‘yuk’ in your relationship with your friend. Once we recognise our old patterns and behaviours that doesn’t serve us, we can then choose to let those go, make new choices that are truly loving and to just be ourselves.
This is a great blog Anne, thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
I am painfully aware that I can not be the real me in certain situations and with certain people. This awareness; and what hurts are being exposed; is growing and old patterns of behaviour diminishing.
When we really know ourselves, know who we truly are, let go of the separation and the individualisation that is so promoted in our society, then we can, irrespective of who we are with, be ourselves so that everyone then has the lovely experience of being with someone who is themselves… What a blessing.
So true Chris. It really does require us to make that choice to be ourselves in full. It’s something I’m experimenting with, but still hesitant to stand out from the crowd by making a different choice.
I also have realised that I have found myself slipping into old patterns when around old friends who know me to be a certain way and so expect me to be a certain way. However whenever I have let that go and shown them who I am today it has been a beautiful experience as they get to feel the real me, all the love that I am.
Thank you Heidi, very beautiful sharing. What I realise was that whenever I wasn’t being myself people felt it instantly anyway and it created distance and protection. So, now when I am being totally myself, opening and loving, it’s a breath of fresh air, and people feel that they too can just be themselves.
I loved re-visiting this blog and all the comments. It was a perfect and timely reminder that we are presented every moment with a choice to be true, and we are not indebted to the familiar as that can always be reimprinted.
Often when someone has taken responsibility for themselves and moved on from anti social habits their friends and/or family keep bringing up the lifestyle they have left behind. It is like they are put in a pigeonhole for life or “this is just temporary, we know what you are really like”. We are not our behaviors and it is horrible when someone is held in them by their so-called friends while they are trying to leave it in the past. Could it be jealousy? Often when I am trying to break a pattern my resolve is tested in this way and I have to be strong and understand what is going on. Thank you Anne for sharing what gets in the way of you being your natural self.
This is a very supportive sharing Anne that you have given us. As I return to read it again today I’ve realised that I can also jump to wrong conclusions at what family members/friends will think of the ‘old me’ changing into a more ‘self loving’me – and what I present to them. Like the decision is made that they will reject me possibly. Instead of gently going with the flow of being naturally more open there can be a holding back. What if its not rejection but them getting a reflection of that return of love and they can feel truly how they are living?
I’ve experienced when I do stay open and just connect it is such a healing on both sides. For me it has all to do with allowing myself to feel how much I love people and that it is such a joy to be in each other company. And how much energy is waisted when I protect myself or stay in a hurt or whatever is making that I choose a lesser version of me.
I agree Annelies, it take so much energy to stay protected and keep people out. It is not natural for us to be this way, so we have to draw the energy from outside of ourselves to stay guarded. It is an exhausting process and one that we can choose to let go of at any time and just be who we naturally are, loving and open.
I agree Toni it does feel yuck when we are needing love, as we have not claimed the love that we already are within.
Hi Anne, this is very interesting for I have a similar experience with close friends. I tend to be more reserved with them than that with new friends that I make. I felt then as I wrote, that this is also because I am scared of loosing friends as it hurts when they reject you. So I end up rejecting the real me and then everybody misses out. Thank you for bringing this into my awareness and now the healing and the re-claiming of true and deep friendships can build again in my life.
It seems to be harder to reflect the real me honestly with family and close friends who have known me a long time, as not only do I slip into old patterns, but they expect me to still be in those patterns! I can understand this Anne because as we change and evolve it’s asking others to do the same and it can be very confronting for some people to look at how they’re living – so for them it’s easier to have us stay the same to enable them to remain comfortable.
Hi Anne
This is a great blog because what you have shared about being the ‘real me’ and how we adjust ourselves depending on the relationship is probably something many people can relate to.
Also that feeling that our relationships will change or fall away rings true also. In the end I feel that the more we deepen our connection with ourselves the more we naturally feel the impulse to connect deeply with others. Then no matter who we connect with they get the real deal.
Well said Kathryn. We can also avoid being the real us by all of us calibrating to each other and holding back so none of us shine. What’s weird about this is that it’s actually this shine that inspires others and reminds them of the wealth of wisdom and divinity that we all have equally within.
Awesome honest sharing Anne. Thank you for going there because I feel exactly the same at times! As I am discovering more of who I am, it is interesting to reflect on all the old patterns of behaviours with family and friends that can still play out. It really highlights the needs we have, the recognition we seek, the anxiety of not feeling accepted anymore and so much more. I am visiting my family this Christmas who I have not been able to visit for 6 years and it is going to be really interesting. Having read this article I feel more supported to just observe and see how it all pans out!
Your honesty Anne is really beautiful as is your development in learning how to hold the real you in the world, free of adjusting to patterns or expectations from others. This is something I too am learning… to leave the chameleon in the past and love who I am so deeply that I would not change expressing that for anyone or anything.
This is a very honest sharing Anne. Being ourselves is the most important thing and in my case I sometimes am still not sure of who I truly am, but with self love and patience I have found the need of friends less but I made better, truer connections with people.
Anne I am sure many of us can relate to finding it tricker to be the ‘real us’ with people who have expectations of how we will be with them. I have slowly started to let down my protection with those closest to me and are more able to just say what I feel without the filter of how it will be received micro management that I am an expert at! The bonus being that just recently I actually could feel how much I loved someone and that felt amazing.
Just another comment Anne… I recently lost a long term “friend” over our phone conversations. After our ‘catch ups’ I would come off the phone feeling drained wondering why I had put up with story after story when often not very nice, I had been dutifully listening as she considered herself a ‘story teller’ and I didn’t want to offend her. This day I stopped the story and said what I felt, the next time we spoke I did the same. The email I received was very nasty and she severed our friendship saying she doesn’t want me to ever contact her again. I pondered on this as I have known her for 45 years, in the past I would have been devastated as you can’t let someone you have known for so long go. I realised in listening to her ‘out of duty’ as an old friend I was continuing a pattern that does not serve anyone and I am not bringing any evolution or love for either of us so I am being self-loving in letting that pattern go without any guilt and honouring her request.
Anne I have a similar regular conversation with an girlfriend, she will ring me on her way home from work and I know it’s to fill time for her as it’s a long drive, sometimes the conversation can be literally a catch up but often now we will have a very real and true conversation… I appreciate the reflections these exchanges offer as I am also breaking old ways of relating and I know our friendship has deepened as has truth and love.
Anne I really love and appreciate your honesty.
Anne your sharing is much needed. To allow ourselves to be real and even vulnerable with others gives them the permission to feel the same. The more open we become with our relationship the quality of understanding and care that comes from one another is astounding. Letting people in brings true friendship.
Hi Anne thank you for what you have shared, close friends and the arrangements we have made in those relationships are not easy to change as we have enjoyed there comfort in the past and for us to make a choice not to remain in comfort but hold our self and friend in love is a work in progress that is understanding ,observing and accepting but above all making it all about love.
For the past couple of months it has kept repeating to me to contact an old friend, but what has held me back is the not wanting to go into old habits and patterns of how we used to be together. And this is just one example that I could use as a theme for many of my relationships, even with myself in that I hold back because I have relating the me that I am now to the ‘me’ that was back then of which I now know was completely not me. If we are holding ourselves to our past then how much of the real me is out and about in my day to day life?
I have noticed over the years that my decision to be more open and honest with my friends has been a source of great support. So often friendships can be overrun with ideas and expectations of roles each person plays. Being open to discussions about real life matters- sharing hurts or vulnerability allows another person to see that relationships are built not on perfections but on an open honesty to accept and love the other for who they are. When we are coming with an ideal rather than just me – we miss out all the gorgeous qualities that brought the friendship together in the first place
A gorgeous exposure of one of the more highly regarded of all our relationships. I know for me I have opted for my ‘go to’ person to seek their counsel rather than truly feeling what it was I didn’t want to feel in situations of life, and reversely too being eager to ‘be there’ for someone else who needed the same from me in return. Since committing to building upon my relationship with me, all other relationships I have in my life have deepened along side.
This is very Cool Giselle. Allowing another to feel instead of offering council too quickly. Timing and space are very much needed in our relationships that then lead to deep and true friendships which is something that we all long for once again.
Recently I realised that I had been observing people and trying to gauge how they were going to be with more before I would engage with them. If they were open with me I would be more open, if they were happy to see me I would then show a bit of how I felt about seeing them etc.
I started to realise how much I was holding back. I was like ‘are they going to be okay with me?’ Okay if they are I will show them that I enjoy seeing them. It wasn’t until a practitioner pointed this pattern out that I started to realise how much I do this and how much I was holding back the love I actually felt for people. Its a learning to let that out more, but this is one learning that I look forward to seeing how this unfolds.
I have found myself doing this also Kristy. I love to say hi to people as I walk past them everywhere I go and have found myself gauging what their response will be before I give even a smile. My body aches to give all of me. This I will do from here forward.
I appreciate your honesty Anne and I can relate to what you’re saying. As I’ve changed friends have dropped away (not my choice), I’ve formed new friendships and the quality of these friendships is far greater than I would have thought possible. I find that when I do stay true to who I am even if family and friends haven’t seen me for a while they seem to notice the change but accept it and prefer it to any falseness that I’ve offered them previously as I feel it allows them to settle more deeply into themselves as well.
I have lately felt that true friendships are based on a connection and a love that you hold each other continuously in. I can see that in the past my friendships were most about common interests and I felt a constant push in myself to be a certain way so the other would like me. So interesting to see how my friendships are changing and are more and more coming from a deep connection with each other first before we talk about anything. With this connection of love always there, what ever we do is joyful.
This is a wonderful sharing with us all Anne and reminded me of a situation recently when I met up with two very dear friends whom I had not seen for some while. Noticing on arrival at the resturant we all had changed visually. But one of us had changed so much, loss of weight, enthusiasm for life, infectious with joy and generally inspired to make changes in their every day way of living. Expressing with an openness and not feeling to have ‘gossipy’ conversation to gain attention. This person was able to take the compliments which were expressed with love.’ Lo and behold’ that person was me!!!! True friendship with no neediness – Like you Anne I am so appreciative for the availability of the Workshops/presentations and Healing modalities that are available for us via Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon – they are so supportive. The old me would of hidden under many guises, holding back so as not to offend or ‘rock the boat’ and as you share ‘slipping very easily into old patterns’ of behaviour. Yes I still allow myself to get caught out at times – particularly with my immediate family. This is when tiredness washes over me – One for me to watch out for.
I know how you feel when you say by not being the real you hurts and why do you hold yourself back or drop into old patens. I had a similar feeling but this time with my aunts. I had not seen them for awhile an decide to spend the day and night with them. Because part of me felt guilty for not been able to see them for a long time, I let the, just talk the way they normally talked. I allowed myself to get caught into little gossip, rather than saying no. Next morning I felt really heavy and horrible in my body, what was suppose to be a joyous moment left me feeling awful in my body. I reflected back on my day and realised, it was because I did not just be the real me and stop the gossiping. As I recognised this, the body started to feel better again. This was a great learning for me, not to hold back or change for another. Just be me in every moment.
The behaviours I have taken on with certain friends are indeed holding me back from who I truly am, and I can feel that holding on to those relationships that are not honouring of who I am can stop suddenly when I don’t put the energy in it any more, the relationship was not based on equalness but on the basis of filling something I miss, because I am not fully supporting and loving myself for all that I am. I am working on this and can feel that there is a deeper level of relationships possible when I am more connected to who I truly am.
It’s so true Anne – ‘It seems to be harder to reflect the real me honestly with family and close friends who have known me a long time, as not only do I slip into old patterns, but they expect me to still be in those patterns!’ However I have also found that with developing my commitment to love and honoring this for myself I have over time deepened many of my relationships with sharing the truth and love of who I truly am.
Anne I really appreciate how you say that when you are tired and less aware old habits slip in easily. It highlights the importance of taking good care of ourselves and being present in every moment for when we are not we are not our true selves and many behaviours and patterns can come in that are not love.
Beautifully said Carolien.
Great comment Carolien, thank you for highlighting this part. I have found this to be so true. I have in the past wanted to get rid of a particular behaviour I slip into very easily and it would often appear when I was feeling exhausted. When I started to take care of myself with my sleep routine, my food choices and learning to use my body in more gentleness. My behaviour changed, I am now able to be more myself and be more consistent. So, I agree, it is extremely important to apply self-care to our everyday living.
Thanks Anne, I have felt this need for friendship too and know where your coming from.
A great blog about a great conundrum – how to be truly ourselves when we’ve changed and others around us still expect us – and in some cases need us – to be the same. In the past I’ve felt intensely uncomfortable about being seen to have changed because I know I’m going to be asked to explain the changes and undergo further scrutiny on them at a time when I’m still coming to terms with the changes myself. A bit like a newly qualified driver when the L plates are off but you’ve not got real experience under your belt yet. But I believe this says more about a discomfort within myself in fully embracing those changes rather than with what I’m getting as a response from others. Indeed others are only reflecting where I haven’t fully accepted myself yet. So I have to accept my own gauntlet to man up here, because otherwise just who am I being with others if not the real me? The more I accept me, the less what other people think of me matters – and that’s a real freedom.
Your article has got me pondering on my friendships too ( all relationships really). I did a very similar thing to what you describe about being the ‘all knowing’ friend. There is such arrogance in the way that I don’t allow my friends to see my very sweet and delicate vulnerability. It’s all about protecting myself from being hurt. But really not allowing myself to be seen causes so much harm to the relationships because it’s not based on truth and not based on love. Thank you Anne very insightful.
The teachings and sharing from Serge Benhayon have greatly supported me also to gain a much deeper understanding of firstly my relationship with myself and then my relationship with all others. Prior to Universal Medicine I was very protected and really didn’t let myself be seen. I now have a much greater understanding of how and why I was doing this- these patterns don’t change overnight it takes time to observe them and then choose something different but wow, my life is so much richer now with the quality of relationships I now have and as I let go of things more these just get deeper.
Awesome Anne, we are in reality super unfriendly to ourselves and other people when we perform or behave in a way that isn’t true or sincere. Your words are another inspiring reminder to be our own best friend and be real with everyone we meet. The other way as you say simply leads to arrangements that feel yucky to me.
So many people feel that it is not safe to ‘show’ the world who they truly are… what is possible is for us to start to know ourselves, and through that connection, start to let go of the guards and shield that we thought protected us , but never really did. When this happens , then , we can start to show , and be , who we truly are
Upon realising we’re holding onto a friendship out of need, it’s then we get a chance to begin it again in truth. I’ve reset with tender care two friendships recently and all along I thought to myself: “if my friend in question doesn’t choose to go to truth, then I have to wonder, what is the upside to a false friendship?”
Thank you Anne, for your honest and open sharing. It is very insightful. I have also reflected the dynamics I have with others, including with myself. I realized recently that the story and dramas we identify with is a smoke screen that we hide behind. It hiders and stops us from really connecting with our selves and others. It is also a way of blaming, the situation or others and not being responsible and owning up to my hand in creating the situation in the first place.
Anne this is a great topic to write about, those patterns of behaviour can sneak in anywhere. I have found they are usually masking something I need to work on.
It is often difficult to not slip into old patterns of behaviour around old friends and family, but by holding yourself and expressing your truth you are not only honouring yourself, but providing those around you the opportunity to expand in their expression should they choose it.
It is beautiful when you can stand in your power and be who you truly are whether it is a friend, family member or work colleague. This is something I am developing in my own life, being of all of me, and not being attached to people ‘liking me” or fitting in with how they need me to be.
Re-claiming who we are with others is powerful indeed.
I am also aware of how long-term relationships can have well worn patterns running through them. One tiny remark, if reacted to, can escalate into ill feeling on both sides, sparking any part of our history that we haven’t dealt with. Unless there is an openness and willingness on both sides this cannot be cleared however one party, by being absolutely present, can stop an escalation of this ill energy and in the love that they are can allow for the possibility of harmony.
Wow I love Your being so honest and so open to share this with us and I feel the comittment of letting go the old patterns and returning to the “real me”. This is really a challenge as You write with the ones that know You for longer and struggle if You are no more playing the game and behaving like You did in the past. For myself it is really all about then being really loving and gentle, tender and so patient withmyself when I notice that I fell back in an old pattern. Starting to appreciate actually that I am already able to distinguish and observe it, taking it in a lighter way :-). Because before and it still happened I was so disappointed of me and judging myself for having fallen into the pattern and this is so harming. The more I learn to let THAT go, my expectations and judgment the easier I can be with this learning process. Thank You for this great blog. With love Nadine
What I am experiencing is that with the people that I have known for a long time, the investment is much stronger. I want them to be a certain way, they want me to be a certain way, because that is how we all feel ‘safe’ in a way. I do notice that with myself opening up more and more and choosing to be intimate with everybody, people around me also open up. What is also great, I just share with people that I would like to be more intimate and how I have been avoiding this and this really breaks the ice so to speak.
I can relate to these old patterns we tend to slip in with family and old friends. I realized recently that especially with this group of people the relationships are often built up out of patterns, automatisme, manierisms and expectations. It requires a presence to become aware of these and go beyond them. To truly connect. I hadn’t been seeing some of my old friends for a while, as I was going through transformations myself. Lately, I have connected again and to my pleasant surprise by opening up, showing a ‘truer, deeper me’ I found a new depth in my friendships. It is almost like re-learning to walk and hold hands together The foundation / common ground was always there, only it wasn’t touched that solid yet.
Anne what you have described is what I am really experiencing very strongly at the moment. Any relationship that is built on my old ways of being is standing out like a sore thumb and I am simply not able to not address it. In particular if there are things in relationships that I have not said in the past these things are now feeling like huge fur balls in my throat and are demanding that I address them. What I am having to do is to be super vigilant about how I address them as there is a real chance that I might not be loving and also that I might well be emotional. So I am treading slowly and being as honest as I can about my motivations and how I am feeling.
Alexis I can feel the ‘fur balls’ all the time now as I deepen my connection with myself and observe the need to be liked fall away. The way I express and connect with others has to change however the care and understanding must be there or else it just feels unloving.
An interesting discussion. We make changes to the way we choose to live that feel wonderful and then we are with those we knew before the changes we revert to the very much less than wonderful instead of appreciating and sharing how wonderful we are. We, as human beings have a strange way of avoiding the truth.
And we also find it hard to really be ourselves and stand up for who we are. The silent group pressure to not rock the status quo is strange I find.
It is amazing Anne, how we sometimes find slipping into old patterns to be familiar, safer and comfortable and to open up and be who we truly are to be a little ‘challenging’. I my experience, the more we love ourselves and accept all of who we truly are, these situations are less and less ‘challenging’ and more opportunities to embrace more of who we truly are.
Some of the old patterns we have been living for a very, very long time, lifetimes. It is so important that we are patient with ourselves as we change these old behaviours, it takes time and constant conscious presence. I like the metaphor Chris James uses, it’s like trying to stop a Mac truck on ice. We must remember not to beat ourselves up when we fall back into old patterns, but rather lovingly appreciate that we have decided to make a change and know that we are in the process and will succeed.
Thank you Susan it is really joyful to read many comments and the genuinely loving support they offer regarding what you have expressed and the honesty you have brought. This is rare on the internet.
I too have felt the sadness of friends dropping away because I have changed the way I choose to live. But when I feel for the truth, the love is always still there.
Thank you Anne for the honesty and sharing of the way you communicate with people, it is an inspiration for us all to be open and honest when expressing to humanity.
Anne your honest post exposes the need we have in (any) relationship, what we are prepared to do to feed that need, and equally what can happen as a result when we start to truly feel, grow in love, and become the real-us as you write and share here. The more love we have, the more real and full of ourselves we become. the more we treasure this aspect of ourselves – no more yuk! Only more joy!
Thanks Anne. Its amazing how we can keep old patterns of behaviour going for so long even though they don’t feel right anymore. Even though we may have changed our ways, the old patterns emerge due to our huge fear of rejection. I have found the more I truly love me the easier it is to be real in all situations without fear.
It was lovely to read your exploration of friendships. We may not realise that many of the same issues we have with our partners are ones that play out in our friendships. I can relate to what you shared about not presenting the real you. Sometimes I am aware I am doing it but it seems difficult to stop, especially when you have played that role for a while. I suppose it is a matter of knowing that for a friendship to be true, we need to be true in it.
I love that Fiona, for a friendship to be of true making we have to be in the energy of truth and build the relationships from there, moment by moment.
Hi Anne, I know what you mean about staying in old patterns.. I fall into that a lot. It’s like there’s an expectation to be a certain way so I tend to just go with it. Then realise afterwards or during the conversation.. It’s interesting when you have the comparison between the two and notice when you fall back into it.
The greatest conversations I have ever had have been where I don’t need to prove anything to the other person, when I’m not trying to be smart, be a certain way etc. The best conversations have been where I have just expressed myself naturally and the beauty was in sharing that moment with another who I have fully accepted is just like me, hence I don’t need to hide anything and can just be open hearted with them.
I know the feeling of being ‘Yucky” when coming off a phone conversation. At first it is a bit of a relief, and then Its like “Where was I?” After some backtracking its easy to see that somewhere along the lines I stopped expressing myself how I usually would and started saying something differently, mostly to appear knowledgeable and not show the fact that now I feel awkward because I am slightly lying my way through a conversation just so I can get it over and done with! phew haha
I have had many ‘yucky’ feelings in the past after a phone call, especially with members of my family for instance, where I go into this automatic pilot and just chat a bit, talking about others and avoiding true intimacy or talking about ourselves and how we feel. Those phone calls could easily stick to me for the whole day.
I can very much relate Anne, it is interesting how we sometimes build friendships purposefully to not share and express the ‘all’ of who we are. I too am learning the importance of being ‘all’ of me with others whether they are old or new connections, as there has been a particular and clever way I have chosen to not let people in to share how amazing I am. So what if I blow them away right!! Ha ha
Lovely sharing Anne. I too have found that I am different with family and close friends versus people I know.
As I am learning to be more self loving, I no longer am needy for friendships. I am learning to be open and loving to everyone I meet. I also now choose to express fully with everyone.
I am also letting go of the attachments that I have with friendships and how there is this belief that with certain people I can be more intimate than with other people. I more and more make the choice to be fully open with everybody and I have to say, I am meeting some gorgeous people on the street on a daily basis now, as a result of that choice. It’s like have several dates during the day…
This is gorgeous, Mariette. I am feeling so much less attached to needing to have “friends” now and I am able to express more openly to everyone I meet each day .
Thank you for sharing this Anne so honestly. I’ve come to realise with myself that the ‘masks’ of perceived bison’s, ship wit and humour and conversation that simply passes the time and fills up the space are just that — masks, covering up our sensitivity and true beauty that I know for me, I’ve been accustomed to guarding from little, not feeling safe to let that be seen. Bit by bit though with the amazing support that has come my way through Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, that bracing has been gentle letting go, and more and more my interactions and friendships have an intimacy that keeps getting deeper.
Recently I met an old friend who I hadn’t seen for maybe 12 years and I could feel how she wanted me to be the same as I used be and I could feel myself being drawn into this as a way of keeping the conversation going. It was great to observe this and how easily we can slip into a familiar pattern or way of being.
Such lovely honesty Anne thank you. Yes it can take time and patience to break old habits and beliefs around expressing. But with much practise and a willingness to express truth in all aspects of life we must honour ourselves, by continuing to choose loving connections with self and others.
I slip into different roles for different people and situations, it’s completely automatic, even I change my way of speaking. For some years now I am bring more awareness to this, and realising that I have had a need to fit in and be liked, and accepted, and most importantly not stand out and be noticed for the amazing, light filled, joyous, tender man I am! Thank you Anne for your awesome blog.
It was very timely to come back to your very honest blog Anne. I have been aware in the past of trying to hold on to friendships and wondering why it was such hard work, but the need in me to keep these going was very strong. So was it the “real me” that was needing to hold on to them? I have been thinking a lot lately about re-connecting to some of my old friends who I haven’t spoken to for ages, and now having re-read this I am asking myself why I am feeling to do so; a question I will definitely sit with before I pick up the phone, ensuring that there is no need behind the call, but simply that it is time to say hello.
Beautiful Ingrid, just to say hello, without any need. There should never be a need when we pick up our phone. I am more aware of that now, asking myself: ok Mariette, why are you calling now? Is it because you don’t want to feel something, are you avoiding to be with yourself right now or is it because you don’t have anything to do right now? Great questions to ask myself.
I can relate to what you’re saying. I’ve felt that too that some behaviours are easy to come back to with certain people but at the same time it’s a good reflection that this is where I have some work to do.
I used to worry about what I would lose by opening up to friends and expressing from the true me.
It feels similar reading your article Anne, I was looking for someone to fill my emptiness and I used the excuse of “not upsetting them” as a get out and staying silent.
I am now approaching this from a different perspective; looking at what I gain from speaking my truth, which in turn reflects a truer me back to them.
The timing in reading this blog has been perfect. I have just spent today supporting a friend with some tender care. If I chose to hold back the enormity of love I have to offer I know that my friend would have not have allowed herself to feel vulnerable, fragile and cradled in my care. What a powerful sharing about the true levels of friendship we can all go to.
It feels like we set ourselves up before the initial communication with another, like we have tainted the conversation before we even speak. That pause before we express, is the key to us, either staying with us, or choosing to go into our heads and into an old way of being with them, as when you are just there with another in a moment and you just look at each other in the eyes and let them in, there is the love, the equality, the truth of the moment. Nothing more is needed and there is certainly nothing in between, just pure, divine, love, and that expression is universal.
When we start to really listen/feel into our body how we express it changes so much the outcome of how we feel about ourselves. Your sharing is inspiring Anne thank you.
I too am re-learning how to be myself in any situation and any relationship. I’m so appreciative of Universal Medicine for inspiring this way forward, because after 25 years of courses and schooling and family life, not one other person or organisation has suggested to me that we can truly be ourselves, or even that we are not ourselves, let alone get to discussing a way to do it..
In re-reading this blog, I was very exposed in how with some old friendships I have become stuck in a way of relating that relies on presenting an ‘old me’ in order to hide or ‘preserve’ the friendship. This is because I am scared of being rejected for relating from who I truly am and I can feel now how playing small no longer serves me or others, in fact it feels really yukky. Thank you Anne for your refreshing honesty, time to clear out the cobwebs in that relationship closet.
Jenny, I have the same experience. I often find that I don’t need to say much around old friends and relatives and that is ok. Or, when we do talk, it does not matter much what we talk about but how I feel within myself when we are talking.
If I notice an old pattern I find it useful as a marker or as showing me something to work on.
I like talking to old friends or family members.
I love the honesty you’ve written with here Anne, it made it easy to relate. Honesty unlocks an intimacy that is all we long for in life. Yet we steer away from it continually for fear of ‘being hurt’. Now I am starting to see the hurt we do when we neglect honesty is actually the part to be wary of.
Anne, this feels like a much needed discussion to me. I have also at times felt the resistance in both me and others to a new way of relating. However, when I am simply me, even if that calls for a stepping up and expressing more than I have before within that relationship, I always feel Amazing. Thank you, and also all the comment contributors, for your insights and sharing.
Thank you Anne for your honesty. It has taken me some time to realise that a few of my ‘old’ friendships are still in existence because I revert back into my old patterns in the friendships. What I have felt in conversations has not been verbalised because I fear I may lose these friendships. What your blog has shown me is that I have nothing to lose except myself.
Thanks Anne for this blog. I too find it more difficult to be all of me with family and close friends, to let them feel the changes I have made and how much more of myself I am living these days. For me it feels like I don’t want to feel their reactions to the changes and I want to go on pretending everything is ‘normal’ so there’s no spotlight on me. Thanks for offering me an opportunity to reflect on this.
I can relate to what you are sharing Brooke. I have had a couple of experiences where friends have really struggled with some of the choices I have made and react. I have also some friends who are super supportive of my changes and just want to be around me because they love and care for me. This is super beautiful and humbling to feel.
This is so great as we change and learn not to react to the reactions of others who are reacting to the changes that we have made. Evolution is for us all and involves making changes and inspire others to also make changes for themselves.
Thank you Anne for your open and honest blog. I have come to realise that the way I used to be with my friends was based on a silent agreement between us. So when I started to make different choices in my life they were not too happy with the fact that I was breaking this agreement. Of course non of this was on a conscious level where we would communicate it but I have developed enough awareness now to recognise this for what it is. In the old way we would keep each other comfortable and fulfill each others needs. By me changing those needs were no longer met.
The great thing about this is that by making different choices I have not only become much more true to the real me, I have offered everyone around me the same choice. And then it is up to them what thy do with this.
Beautiful Anne…thank you for your insightful blog. I have felt the tension that comes into my body when I express from need in a relationship or if I have an attachment to keeping a friendship going. It puts so much pressure on the people involved and is not based on equalness and true connection and thus feels yuck in the body. When I allow myself to be connected to me and then connect to another there is much joy and harmony within 🙂
I observed exactly the same thing, Anne. What I do now is I consciously prepare whenever I call or meet old friends. I set up the space very lovingly, I even choose the food consciously in preparation for the connection and that supports me not to slip into old patterns.
Thank you for sharing Felix that is a great way to support yourself in connecting to old friends, we are more aware when we prepare and stay in this loving space while calling of meeting friends.
Reading your story Anne had me wondering if I had written it, and forgotten I had written it. I, as I’m sure many others do exactly this….adapt myself to be what I think the person in front of me wants me to be.
In all fairness I do this far less now than I used to, but I have an absolute habit of not being 100% me 100% of the time. In fact, that is partly due to me not yet accepting the full 100%, so I play the square peg in a round hole game. I definitely have a fear of losing more freinds, the idea of somebody not liking me is huge.
I can see however that as I protect myself from any potential rejection…I cut myself short of being my 100% self, so that I can stay in the comfort zone.
Anne, also to add – to have a phone conversation with a long time friend when we are fully connected to ourselves, listening to their voice and where it comes from within their body and the conversation that follows, is anything but gossipy. It can feel like a friend is saying ‘at last, thank you’ now I can be me also. Then a magical conversation takes place.
Anne, a very insightful blog. Yes our friendships can drop off as we become the ‘real’ me which is quite bizarre. It opens up the question as to what those friendships had in the beginning. Also, the friendships that stay as the ‘real’ me comes to light become a whole new level of what the word ‘friendship’ means.
Anne, I readily relate to what you have written. I have noticed for some time that the closer I am to people the more I tend to hold back on being my true self around them, even though I know this isn’t how I want things to be. This puzzled me for quite a while as I knew I lost my connection when I was around them no matter how much I tried to stay with myself. It is only recently that I have realised how much I have been compartmentalising my relationships ie one way with people from my inner circle and another way with others. The reason this was happening was that I feared rejection from close family and friends if I showed the ‘real’ me. This might seem obvious to some people but it is one thing to know it and another to change old fears and beliefs as they are always part of the larger scheme of things. Over time I am overcoming this behaviour and am finding I have much more genuine relationships all round as a result.
I find it is my presence within myself, my conscious presence, that determines my connection to myself and so my connection with others. When I don’t have that connection my relationships are distant, distracted and skim the surface. When I am connected I can be truly intimate and share fully with those around me. Its like ‘chalk and cheese’ between the quality and depth of the two experiences.
Thank you Anne. I find that as my love for myself deepens day by day, that I am also often presented with a new discomfort or tension to be felt in my relationships with the people closest to me, which is basically showing me where I’m not being all that I am with them. Like you, having a ‘greater awareness of the energy I am in before I have a conversation’ supports me in being real with them and feeling where they’re at. I’ve realised that the people who are closest to me have the most to offer me in my learning and evolution and vice versa, as they reflect back to me all that I am or the areas that require some attention for healing. So these days rather than avoiding them and hence avoiding (and burying) the tension, I am becoming more and more open to the love that is there to be felt. What a gift we humans are to each other.
It’s a very interesting point that you raise Anne that as we make changes to our lives, sometimes it can be easier to be the ‘real us’ in newer friendships, than it is in the old ones. I have found this too. I am finding that I am having to re imprint older friendships and be super aware of not falling into old habits and ways of being with that person, this only keeps us both less. I am using my ‘newer’ friendships and how I am in those, as a marker for me to aspire to bring my ‘older’ friendships up to the same level of honesty and love.
Thank you Anne, I have become more me, more real over the last years too. Through that my friendships are more real, more loving, more intimate. It is so true that it is so important to know where I am at, to know if I am with myself or not in any encounter or conversation I have. I love what that brings to me and every relationship I am in.
This is a great question to ask ourselves Anne, ‘Why am I afraid to show my close friend the real me?’
It has given me something to ponder on for myself. I know that I can just slip into old ways of being with them, but I can also see that at those times, there is a lack of self worth around choosing to speak from the real me, as when I am feeling the real me, the strength and solidness within that, supports my every word. There is also no need for anything back from them, it is just a simple sharing.
Hi Anne, this is interesting reading because since I have begun working with Universal Medicine I have felt a deeper connection to what I would call my essential self. Like yourself patterns of expression and communication surface in my regular and closest relationships, and I too have found these the most difficult to make changes in as there are expectations on both sides. For me this is something to chip away at, but I’ve also let those around me know that I’m making changes so they aren’t too unsettled….such as speaking up more on how I feel instead of accommodating everyone. There’s an adjustment period for both sides!
What came to me as I was reading your blog Anne is that when we have a need from that friend or interaction then it is an imposition. This was a great blog for me to reflect on this in my own family and friend relationships.
Anne, it’s just over a year since you wrote this blog and I would love to hear a follow up to see how you are getting on with being the real you. I for one slip back into old ways of being with people, but it never feels very good, so its far better to stay me no matter what the outcome is.
Thankyou for writing this blog. I relate a lot. I especially have trouble being me with my family (even though I live with them) because I am afraid of what their reactions are. I also have been afraid of letting myself come out as a person in front of my friends and even people close to me because I held on to the fact that I was bullied at school when I was younger. Since I have been attending Universal Medicine workshops I have been learning slowly that I can bring out the real me and let people see me again. The real hurt was that I was hiding who I am from people and not that I was bullied/ganged up on.
Hello Anne, whilst reading your blog I found myself asking the question, how do I relate to my friends and family and do I stay connected to the true me? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, and why do I play roles to live up to someone’s expectations. I could probably answer that by saying that I just want to be liked and don’t want to hurt their feelings, but in doing that it is just me being cowardly and not wanting to take responsibility for being myself.
I also came to the conclusion today, that I have used friends to fill my own emptiness, imposing on them to make ME feel better about myself and using them as a distraction, a form of self medicating you could call it. A bit like instead of having that piece of cake I’ll phone a friend instead.
All this changed thanks to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, I am now working on re-connecting to the true me and the more connected I feel, the more I hold on to the true me.
I can so relate to your blog Anne. And like you, I too have been noticing those times when I am speaking from that other me. It does feel quite yucky to think that you have imposed onto another a false version of yourself. At those times where I have chosen to be more present with myself and taken my time, expression is a whole body experience that confirms me through and through.
That is a very good point Julie when I am more open to others and do not fear being seen or exposed the interactions have more depth and resonance in my body for what I truly crave, which is true intimacy with myself and others.
This makes a lot of sense Anne, the main point I got here was this mindset of ‘I have gotten this far and managed to hold onto your friendship, your acknowledgement,affection,recognition, attention by being this way for so long what would happen if I changed now?’ I appreciate having been shown the importance of quality and honesty because without these two points it keeps the justification and perception of there only being ‘that way’ to be. I am continuing to learn that honesty means asking how I feel in relationship to whatever I am questioning, like you shared how does being a know-it-all personality feel to my body? The quality I feel in my body as I sit to ask and feel the answer to that question did not feel good at all. By holding myself as the know-it-all, the person everyone comes to for knowledge, it is a relationship of ‘I know it all, you need me and thus I need you to confirm that I am needed’ wow that’s ugly… and completely holds back the real me who says ‘we are equal’.
Great blog Anne, I can relate to the old pattern of living up to the expectations of others and I am recognizing that it is more about being me and keeping life simple.
Wow Anne thank you so much for your open sharing. Is it not wonderful that we are able to change our old pattern if we are aware of them???? And is it not wunderbar that there is a way to know and love ourselves more and more???? Thank you Anne for showing us that there is a way to do exactly this.
The thing we most miss is ourselves, so really there is nothing sadder or more lonely than not being with ourselves or sharing our true self.
I Love what you share here Anne about having difficulties to show the real you to everyone in this world. I can really relate and like you am more and more just being me with everyone around me which is so much fun and so lovely to do. I feel the more I am being me the easier it gets.
Loved reading your blog Anne. I have become aware that I express through bars of protection so it’s inspiring to read how you’re changing your patterns of behaviour and becoming the real you.
Anne I can totally relate to what you have shared. Over the past few years I have chosen to live more of who I truly am. As a result my patterns of behaviour have changed to reflect this as I now live in a much more loving way. It has been challenging at times claiming who I truly am with my closest friends and family due to the way relationships were set up and had developed. At times slipping into old patterns and at times reacting to reactions. This allowed me to realise how much importance I had placed on what others thought of me, due to the fear of not being loved and that I was not enough by just being me. But now I am building my confidence in trusting what I know is true; that I Am Love and this is who I Am. This feels so true and beautiful that this is now what I want to share with everyone I meet.
I’ve found it is very easy to slip into old patterns when around friends or family and not express from who I truly am, and as Annelies discovered, there are consequences in my body from holding back. With a greater love of self has come a greater expression of my truth and an appreciation of how empowering this feels in my body. Thanks for your blog Anne.
It has been hard for me to stop being the person people want me to be and are used to me being – as for many of them, their questions, comments and interactions with me are all aimed at a particular version of me which I have presented them with in the past; but letting go of all this, and not responding from the place that their interactions are aimed at in me, has been truly liberating: it feels great to let go of other people’s expectations of you, and to just be yourself, thus allowing them to either choose to accept the real you, or to not.
Gosh, I must say, it feels exhausting putting all this into being a ‘friend’ instead of truly be you and all you truly are.
Thank you Anne, such a gem when you share, ” I am often tired, less aware of ‘me’, and find it easy to slip into the gossipy conversation we sometimes have.” This is so true for so many situations when we are tired and do not rest or honour what we need, like not make a phone call, we lose our ability to discern. Thank you for highlighting how important it is to honour how we feel and not give into what we think is expected of us in fear of rejection. The truth is when we do give in we are in rejection of ourselves. Far worse I would say than anyone else rejecting us.
I can really relate to your article Anne, especially ‘it feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations’, I also find this and as you say that it is easier to slip back into old patterns with family and close friends, this is something I’m working on, thank you for writing about this.
Beautiful sharing Anne, thank you. I can relate to similar experiences. I am finding it much easier now to stay with me, and when I ‘slip’, I notice it quickly and can correct myself just by breathing gently and coming back to me.
Anne when you say: “It seems to be harder to reflect the real me honestly with family and close friends who have known me a long time, as not only do I slip into old patterns, but they expect me to still be in those patterns!” I’ve noticed that too. Universal Medicine has helped me become more aware of this happening. The last time it happened was with a very close friend who is also developing this awareness. We had a breakthrough together. Suddenly we were no longer ‘taking each other for granted’ or using each other as a safe home-base to drop our awareness and lazily run old patterns. And it was awesome what we saw – the true us! We sat there for a while silently looking at each other with new appreciation of each other’s amazingness. I want to feel that with every friend and family member for whom I have not been the ‘real me’!
I have had a similar thing go on with some of my close girlfriends. I basically had been holding back in my expression to them because I didn’t wont them to leave, however what I have noticed is that my girlfriends and many other people in my life actually want me to tell them the truth and express what I really feel, instead of a pretend ghetto.
Great to hear that you have realised that people in your life really want to hear the truth instead of pretending. Im so inspired by reading that Madeline Thankyou 😀
One thing I take note of with old friends and associates is that I look at the energy I was in when I first met them, with evolution ones energy changes and the common ground that may of been shared in the past may no longer be there. Great blog Anne
It’s funny the things we see ourselves do, over time I have made many friends from all over but each time I moved town it was as if I would just wipe the slate clean and would start over again, and at the time I never took much notice except for thinking ‘god this is a pain in the butt why can’t you just sit still for a while’, but reading this blog I had a light bulb moment. Thank you
Anne, you are not alone. Almost every person on the planet seems to suffer from not being able to be the real person they are inside. It is easy to fall into old patterns, especially in friendships and relationships where there is an accepted groove or niche that you both fit into. How gorgeous is it when someone is just being themselves? It’s a delight to see and it lets everyone else relax and be themselves too.
Anne,I can so relate to what you have shared. “Why am I afraid to show my close friend the real me?” oh I have asked myself this question so many times over the past couple years. Since I too have made dramatic changes in my life all of which have been self loving I have only one original friend left who I only show parts of my true self to as I too, tend to slip into the old patterns of conversation. I know it is in fear of losing our long standing friendship but just in typing this I have just become aware that also in part there is fear of losing some part of me. But in saying that I can feel that this be just an illusion so to speak as I know I will simply be claiming more of my true self. Thank you Anne for your sharing; very healing read/awareness for me and of course it will be for my friend as well – regardless of what the outcome will be.
Hi Anne,
I can also relate to what you are saying. Mostly it’s the people we know the longest, like old friends and families, that it’s the hardest to be ourselves with. The ingrained patterns are there for a very long time. Also some of them don’t want me changed, they’d rather have the old version of me. In meeting them I can feel where I still waver…..
Anne you offer a lovely reflection about the changing and evolving nature of our relationships. Sometimes I feel sucked back into the vibe of others wanting to reminisce about the ‘good old days’ when one’s level of self-love was zilch because all that mattered was the next opportunity to get wasted. I can feel myself being dragged in sometimes, and then have to consciously remind myself about the very rewarding journey to know and love myself that I have now commenced.
Lovely blog Anne, thanks for sharing. I know the feeling all too well of wanting to hang on to friendships for various reasons, and not felt into whether we support each other to grow or if it is simply there as a source of comfort and to stay stagnant. A lovely reminder to look once again into the relationships that I have, including the one with myself!
Anne, I can very much relate to this, certain patterns that do not show in my daily life may suddenly come up again when meeting or being with certain people or being in certain situations. While I used to be rather annoyed and sometimes even ashamed of it, I have learned to just observe and being extra loving with myself, which then is helping me to unravel why I do what I do. Thank you.
Anne I really like this line: ‘It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations.’ I have really noticed this over the years which is why I feel I love the transition stages of moving to new areas with new people as I always find that people meet me in the present without any baggage or holding me in the energy of the past. There is something quite beautiful in this especially if we are holding ourselves in the present and not hanging onto the past.
Equally so there is the understanding and responsibility that goes with what I have cultivated in my relationships. So where I left off with a person is the energy we will then next meet with. We cant escape energy as everything starts and ends with it.
Those deeply ingrained habits are hard to break. Friendships that we have had for many years have a way of taking us back into a familiar pattern. I have been considering whether if I noticed that one of my long term friends made changes to their life that showed so clearly that they were taking greater care of themselves, in better health and enjoying life would I find this weird? I might even be inspired to make some changes for myself.
I can totally relate to this Anne. I’ve found in not discerning who I call when I can actually be calling someone who will support the disregard or whatever I am in.
I too am becoming more aware of how I relate to different people in my life. Sometimes I find myself putting on an act for others, usually I find it is less about others expectations and more as a way to keep my barriers up and not let others in. Now I try to make time to feel what it is in certain situations that will cause me to change the way I am.
Thank you Ann, I have been a chameleon in friendships, to please the other I took on the color I thought was needed. Sometimes I had a severe headache or even migraine after being with friends, not knowing why. Now I know my body screamed for the real me. I was frustrated that I was not able to be myself or at that time it was hard for me to tell who I really was. Since I chose to become more connected with myself a lot of friendships have fallen away. And beautiful new ones have developed. With the old ones and for me especially with family it is a challenge to be aware how I behave and to not bash myself when I have slipped back but to see the momentum and to know there will be another chance to change this.
Anne, I had a similar experience not so long ago when expressing to a friend about what was going on in my life, and how I was feeling. Afterward the realisation struck me that, though there were elements of truth, the majority of what I said was coloured and tailored to fit the person I was talking to. Not only that, when I really looked deeper the words seemed to have come from elsewhere, they weren’t from ‘inside me’. As you say it felt yucky but, at the same time, it felt awesome to realise what a game had been played and how I can still get caught into ‘thinking’ I’m being me rather than truly feeling it in my body.
I recognise this old trait to; ‘the majority of what I said was coloured and tailored to fit the person I was talking too. Reading this today feels like a small reminder just to check or observe, if I am still allowing this old trait to play in my day and in my interactions with my colleagues. I will take this into my day!
It is very interesting to watch how we can act differently around different people, and the more we notice this the more we can ask ourselves why and get to the bottom of it. I notice my behaviour is very different especially around family and old friends, like I slip into this old routine, it’s great to notice, and start realising why I’m doing it and start showing a truer side to me.
I think this is wonderful Anne, as you are bringing awareness to all your relationships and not just allowing the new ones to see the “new you”. As you say, by discerning what energy you are in before your conversations will help you to stay true to yourself and let your older friends see the true beautiful you.
I love how you can self analyse yourself without going into a “confession” mode. Thank you for writing this.
Anne it shows just how much you have grown. In that you were able to recognise your old patterns, in regards to expressing with your friends and family. I can definitely see where I have and still do at times slip into old habits just to fit in. But in choosing this I am exhausting myself, when I just need to simply allow the real me to shine.
I could so relate to this line Anne – “So I asked myself, why was it when talking to her yesterday (and probably most other times I talk to her) do I slip into old patterns of conversation?” I’ve asked this exact question of myself.
I have been recently feeling how I can feel exhausted and sometimes end up with a headache after conversations with family and friends I’ve known for a long time. I can feel how much when I slip into putting on an act of how someone remembers me, I’m missing out and they’re missing out on getting to really know each other.
Dear Anne I love how you write “why was I afraid to show my friend the real me”, instead of going into judgement and criticism of yourself due to a negative behavior being pointed out, i.e. being bossy. You didn’t go into that being the issue, you saw it for what it was, a behavior you use to hide the real you from your friends. This is truly beautiful, too often we are critical and abusive of ourselves, not connecting to the real us and identifying with our negative behaviours, when we do this we deny ourselves the opportunity to heal. Very special, thank you again.
I have become aware of just how much we accept or put up with things within friendships, especially those very old ones, as if we have to maintain the status quo that was set up a very long time ago. And yet what are our friendships based on? Do they have foundations of us being ourselves or have we packaged ourselves a certain way to be accepted within the friendship. I now choose to connect with friends when I feel and it is not out of a duty to stay in contact.
I also really care about my old friends and I find it very interesting how things change whenever I change. Many insights have been completely unexpected.
This is something very familiar. I can feel in my own relationships with people who I can call close friends but not truly are, as I have been holding onto them as if I needed them for me to be ‘Someone’. I can feel in letting go in those relationships that I actually don’t need them and I can be who I really am all the time. And I also don’t hide myself from people I haven’t seen in a long time in a fear of not being good enough any more.
Thank you Anne for writing about old patterns we have established in the past with friends and family. I too am discovering that when we allow ourselves to be fragile, unsure, and not having to have answers and solutions for others’ dilemmas, it is very liberating for us and our families and friends. I feel so blessed to have support from Universal Medicine practitioners, to develop my expression to be true, then I am not trying to be a certain way for anyone else.
Hi Anne, I totally can relate to going into old patterns with old friends or family and with new people I can be more me. Some people want me to stay in the old pattern and that just doesn’t feel true. To be aware of it is step one and then it is my choice to open it up and show the real me. What helps me in this is to nominate and address it to the person.
Great piece Anne, it makes me think how amazingly ridiculous it is that we go into a dynamic with another – like a negotiation on each getting our needs met and agreeing to meet the other persons needs – its just all fake. Why do we find it so hard to appreciate ourselves enough to know we are all worth it when we just be – its a bit like “you show me you first, no you show me you first..” I would love to see a follow up blog on how you are going and how your “old” friends are going.
Agree Geraldine, its like we are each waiting for the other to be their natural loving self before we will be that ourselves…its crazy. Someones got to start…
Yes, I do that too sometime. Its so good to catch it when i haven’t been myself with someone. I hang up or walk away going who was that maniac! My laugh changes, i become more animated. It happened just the other day because i was asking for something and felt uncomfortable. I want to keep looking at this and learn how to just let myself be myself, no matter what is going on around me. To let myself feel uncomfortable sometimes without turning into a crazy version of myself. Great blog Anne.
Beautiful sharing Anne, I can also relate to your sentence- “It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations.” I am learning more and more to trust to just be myself with all the shifts and changes I have made over the years with the help of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, and the response from ‘old’ friends often is just lovely when they feel they are being met with who I am, rather than what I think they expect of me. Thank you.
So true Karina. It is often our own preconceived assumptions that get in the way of what we ‘think’ people what to hear, see or feel. What a lot of effort! Feels a lot simpler to be ourselves with no expectations.
This is such a down to and earth honest blog, I love it as I have been through or go through a lot of what you expressed so well. Thanks so much Anne.
There is nothing like true friendship, wether it be near or far away. A telephone call or an email, meeting up, just to let them know they are still in your thoughts.
Next to your family, friendship can have so much of a meaning to others.
Thanks for your insightful blog Anne. Breaking old patterns of communicating with friends who live far away have led to my realising it is a ‘game ‘ we have been playing.
Seeing my part in it as my need ‘to control’ the friendship and my ‘needy-ness’ to be the caring friend, listening, but not sharing much of me. Learning to express my truth is proving to be the most worthwhile part of my education ever !
I am learning what it actually means, friendships, and how I behave with friends. For a long time, my friendships were not true relationships because we both needed something from each other. It was like a deal you make, you give me this, I give you that, and then we have a comfortable friendship. But when there is no truth and we don’t show each other who we truly are, then the friendship does not support in growing and learning from each other. I am a big fan of harmony and have always been proud so to speak to never have arguments or conflicts. Now I know that this was not true, I just avoided them to keep the friendship ‘safe’, to not disturb anyone. Now I am committed to true relationships, where I let go of the harmony and I commit to truth. This gives my relationships a complete new level of intimacy.
I can relate to what you share Ariana. I too have needed friends to be something for me and to fill an inner emptiness that put a lot of need and expectation on others. I agree completely with your words, “To have a friend who will share honesty as much as joy and fun and to BE that friend, is a gift to ourselves and to others.”
I also feel the tension sometimes when, having made significant changes to my life and quality of living etc., I bump into or speak with an old friend that I haven’t seen in a while. A tension comes up as I can see that they recognise very clearly that I am different somehow, not quite the same as they remember me, and as their attempts to ‘gauge’ me by talking to the person they knew before, rather than the person standing in front of them, are not indulged. I have had a tendency to give in under this pressure, and fall back into the old way of talking/being with them, because I do not want to make them feel uncomfortable. But in actual fact, adjusting myself so as to accommodate their needs is actually not my responsibility – my responsibility is to be me and express the quality of love in which I am living, so as to provide them with an equal opportunity to open up and accept that level of love into their lives.
This catches me out too, taking an easier comfortable way with people rather than what I am really feeling. And the other revelation was when I make that phone call, is it the best time to be making it (am I tired, rushed, bored etc… or feeling like I truly want to connect to them).
It is true Anne how easily we can slip into our old ways when we are with people we know well. I know I do this and it is like Golnaz says, is because we leave this trail behind us that we seem to pick back up on each time we are with them. I know I have different patterns and behaviours with different people so each trail is different. I have been observing this lately with my family and this has stopped me going into my normal reactions or behaviours and I have noticed that this has changed how we all are with each other.
Your blog is very apt for me especially around family. the other day I had a moment of appreciation. I realised I have been consistently more myself with my mum and no longer fly off the handle at seemingly random triggers. We had a chat about this and she said she felt she didn’t have to be so cautious with me which is lovely.
Your blog has got me reflecting on how I don’t express all of me and this is especially so around certain people. With some people I will shy away from showing my fragility, with others I’ll shy away from showing how competent and powerful I can be. Because I have played it small for so long I cannot expect those who have known me for years to expect anything more from me. Only until I consistently express love and truth may this change. My first step is taking responsibility for the relationships I have which leaves no room for frustration or blame.
Thank you Anne for sharing here. I can relate, and it is great to stop and reflect on this.
Anne I can relate to everything you have written about holding onto friends and falling into old patterns when talking to them. I have to watch myself when it comes to reminiscing about the “good old days” (if they were that great I would still be doing them). At times it is difficult because it feels like the relationships haven’t moved on and are stuck in the past.
I agree with you Anne about the expectations from friends when I now express myself honestly from the real me. I still might “slip into those/my old patterns” too. Recently I felt challenged that I might just do that, when speaking with my friend about the many changes I have made these days. After much feeling into what to do, one answer came: Be love, accept and allow and our following conversation was more honest and true, the friendship has indeed deepened.
Thank you Anne, I also have friends that have issues with me not being the way I was in the past. I now know that I was living a fraction who I truly am, and am still uncovering this, but I now choose to not get caught up in their expectations and the pressure people from my past place on me with their expectations of who they feel I should be. I find now it is easier just to be myself.
Through the inspiration of Universal Medicine it has been great to observe my ill patterns, make different choices to cut the momentum of them and then to watch them fall away leaving the real me behind. As an old pattern leaves, I feel free to focus on others as they come up and with each one noted and cleared there is room to see more and be more of me.
I have changed a lot in the last few years. The way I care for myself and my confidence levels have escalated dramatically. I have noticed that as I have changed, people who are in my life regularly have some times resisted the change in the dynamic of our relationship. I know I some times was upset that they did not appreciate these changes and I choose to either become forceful or hide away, both not being my true state. However as my confidence and connection with myself has continued to grow, I have found that I am much more understanding and gentle with how I communicate with people and this has supported my relationships and meant that I am a lot less imposing. I don’t have a need in the relationship that I once did. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I have experienced that so much in the past Anne – changing how I speak/what I say, or planning out a conversation to sound clever. You’re right, it does feel ‘yukky’
After rereading I can also see why in the past in some situations I would feel less confident but this happened when there were people there who I knew would know I’m being different than when I was with them alone. The lack of confidence was simply showing me I was not being Me!
Anne I love your honesty – this is something I’ve noticed in myself also, that sometimes it’s hardest to be natural around people close to you because I know what they are expecting from me, and that may no longer be how I feel. Beginning to break out of this pattern and openly say no – this is me and this this what I stand for is so liberating. And when I do make that claim I find I don’t even mind how the person reacts. I’m also finding that most of my friendships are not really real, because I haven’t been or shown my real self – which is fascinating but a little sad. It’s definitely time to start to drop all this pretence and start to really let people in!
Hi Anne, thank you for your article. I feel that you have touched on a very important subject about knowing the real ‘me’ and then expressing something different which does not feel right. I experience this a lot and so it was great and felt very supportive to read your words about it.
Thank you Anne sharing your story so openly and honestly
I have recently recognised how I can fall into a certain way of being with family, just because it’s comfortable and familiar. I have also recognised how I expect others to be a certain way so that they don’t rock my comfort boat – this happens especially with family. As I have become more comfortable being myself, I am noticing that others around me are feeling that and it’s beginning to change the dynamics, so that we all can be more ourselves with each other.
Thank you Anne, I can relate to going back to old patterns with old friends, you are correct to say it does not feel good anymore. It’s about breaking those old deep patterns.
Only yesterday I realised that I was at last letting go of my attachments to some old friendships that have caused me to stay in familiar and now uncomfortable patterns. I have realised it is not about cutting those people off, many of them have been loving presences in my life, but just acknowledging the changes in all our lives, and knowing that whenever we may be in contact the true connection is in expressing how we truly feel and who we are. That is my responsibility. In the long gaps in between communicating, whenever I think of others I am now learning to work with the feelings that come up about needing them, and be open to accept them as they are, and then when we do speak or meet again, I can feel there will be a deeper connection.
Having re read this piece it jumps out at me how it is easy to change these patterns. Sometimes a bit of space and or time can be all that you need to help build the confidence within yourself, to know and be all that you know you are. Still others may expect you to be the old you, as it were, but you will have built the strength within yourself to be no way other than that which you truly are.
Really gorgeous and honest blog Anne. You bring an amazing pondering to us all here as it can seem pretty daunting addressing the “emotion” behind old friendships. I can certainly relate as I have started to feel exactly the same awareness of old relationships I have. For me I have learnt that it doesn’t matter what has gone on before so much, as what goes on now. In being aware of how I am feeling before, during and after any correspondence really allows me to as you put “bring all that I am”, so even if it’s an old drinking buddy, or someone I have only just met, the conversations are often typical of close family and I love that. Breaking deep and old habits is really hard especially in these unseen areas but the feeling you get when you show yourself you can do it is out of this world, and I am learning to appreciate that too.
Wow Anne I so relate to what you are saying and have found myself doing this too especially with people I have known for a long time and with family. Accepting I have changed has supported me greatly and just recently I was talking with a family member and the conversation usually leaves me feeling a little flat due to the criticism that comes my way. This could be from a derogatory comment on what I am wearing or what I am doing or really about anything.
From lots of observation over time I came to realise that I had been bracing myself ready for the bombardment on every meeting and even joined in the criticism towards others. Since I have noticed this and taken steps to just be open and not guarded I have found that the person has changed how they are with me. To the point I visited recently and two compliments arrived my way, which was amazing and beautiful to feel. The thing was that I was just being me and allowing whatever was there to be and in doing so it almost gave the other person permission to do the same. My lack of guardedness gave an opening for a flow from the other person to be who they are, for in truth we are not naturally full of criticism but in fact full of love so if one goes for it the other feels safe to do so as well. Awesome.
This is a beautiful observation Beverley. I have so often blamed the way someone else carries on as what makes it hard for me to be the ‘real me’. But when I focus on what is going on with me in the first place: am I bracing myself, am I trying to please, or some other act, and when I have a go at dropping this act I am hiding behind, it gives an opening for the other person to drop whatever they are hiding behind too. BOTH of us have the opportunity to be more real. Awesome.
This is responsibility with a capital R Golnaz. Feeling any tension with people is always such an opportunity to look a little deeper to see what is going on. I am learning to love these experiences as they always show me where there are different choices I can make. Then its totally up to me if or when I make the changes.
Beautiful Beverley, so awesome. I agree, ‘My lack of guardedness gave an opening for a flow from the other person to be who they are, for in truth we are not naturally full of criticism but in fact full of love so if one goes for it the other feels safe to do so as well.’ Love changes everything.
Spot on Beverley…you could have been writing this for me. I have had a pattern of defense & protection and I have definitely noticed how others change when I drop this and just be my sweet self. It’s so true that to change the world all we need to do is change ourselves and then watch everything re-constellate around us.
I love what you have written here Marika. Just being me, allows others to be themselves too. Pretty simple but a long lesson to learn sometimes, when we are looking for anything else and anyone else to confirm us.
Thanks Anne your blog is a great reminder for me that we never stop learning as we go along, if we don’t get it quite right but learn something from it, it’s definitely not a bad thing. I am constantly catching myself slipping a little, or a lot back into old ways with family and old friends or playing down how good I feel as not to get there backs up or appear too full of myself.
Well said Bryony, yet another false belief that stops us appreciating and accepting even more love.
Hi Anne, I really understand what you are saying here – it feels SO much easier to be the real you with new people, for absolute sure! I sometimes want to just stop calling certain friends rather than be me… but running away like that would actually still hold me back from being me so I found that’s not the answer! I found that I naturally stopped calling quite as much, which broke the habit of idle gossip, and often would go months without chatting. Then I would only call (or answer calls) when I felt like speaking to them and so was in a good place. This meant I was able to be naturally honest with them and just be me, rather than the times when I didn’t feel like talking to them, but did anyway (not wanting to offend) and end up explaining what the real me is, rather than just being it!
Dear Anne, thank you for bringing this up. It is an important point and has made me reflect on the ‘old trails’ (ref comment by Golnaz) of communication that I still drop into. With this awareness comes the freedom and potential of a fresh approach to relationships with family and friends, so that I can bring more of myself.
Thank you Anne for a blog that so beautifully expresses my experiences of relationships with old friends and family. I can so relate to the huge need for friendship and how I use these friendships to gain an identity and as you say fill an emptiness within. If my friends needed me back then I had a purpose in life and it boosted my sense of self importance and arrogance. I also used it to re-assure myself that I was OK. The same can be said for the way I related to my family and I would wrap them around me as a security blanket to comfort me when the world was seeming to reject me. The difference in the way I relate to new friends has puzzled me for some time and your blog has brought clarity to the different way we relate to those in our lives.
Thank you Anne. Friendships is something I have been reflecting on recently and why sometimes with a close friend I feel like I’m holding back and not being myself, I feel that there can be an un-ease. It’s lovely to read your article and to ponder on what you have written.
Dear Anne, ahh your blog was such a reflection of an old pattern of behaviour and conversation I too have been slowly and steadily working on – learning to communicate and express to people (including close friends and family) and showing them the real me! I can so relate to your experience of being described as ‘bossy’ (not an attribute I was happy to admit in the past!) – I too did this (and sometimes still do…) – not realising it at the time, but now coming to realise that the reason I was bossy and controlling etc. was as a protection against people seeing the real me. Like you, I too gained attention from this type of behaviour and people seemed to accept I was like this, however I now know that’s not really who I am (or was), and that I was afraid (like you) that if I was the ‘real’ me (which at times was/is me feeling sad / hurt / vulnerable etc.) that people wouldn’t like me or would lose respect for me, or simply wouldn’t know how to respond to me. The more I am learning to be the real me with people, and to be open and honest and to express what I really feel and not what I ‘think’ is the right thing, or that others want to hear, the less need I have to behave and express and communicate in ways that are not me… and in fact when I do slip into these behaviours, it feels very obvious much more quickly (as in yuk in my body). For me the big turning point came when I started to have more awareness of my body, and began taking care of myself… The more I took (and continue to take) care of myself, the less I need others to ‘fill the emptiness’ that you describe that I too used to feel. I too have also been inspired by the consistent reflection of Universal Medicine which is always reflecting the real me, even in those times when I myself am not being all of the real me.
What a beautiful response Angela, I can relate to much that you share here. I too behaved in ways to hide the real me, ‘I was afraid (like you) that if I was the ‘real’ me (which at times was/is me feeling sad / hurt / vulnerable etc.) that people wouldn’t like me or would lose respect for me, or simply wouldn’t know how to respond to me. The more I am learning to be the real me with people, and to be open and honest and to express what I really feel and not what I ‘think’ is the right thing, or that others want to hear, the less need I have to behave and express and communicate in ways that are not me’. This feels so liberating and equally the more I am being loving with myself, the less I have need from other people.
Such strength and honesty here Angela – it’s truly inspiring to see women making true and lasting change by committing to being themselves in the most real way. I am reminded that we all crave this realness – so when we bring it, it might make others temporarily uncomfortable but in truth it is highly sought after – even in our older relationships.
I find it crazy how I may not have seen an old school friend for over a year and then can fall back into some unhealthy self sabotage! I had a habit of putting myself down in order for others to feel better. To my friends at school I was the clown the one that was silly and made everyone laugh.
I took this role as I wanted to help but I now realise how harmful playing these roles can be, as I interact every day with people and I observe as all types of roles get played out. What is dangerous is when we start to believe our own lie and it gets meshed into what we think is true for ourselves. By doing this it totally caps us and forever leaves us short of our true potential. Thank you for brining this subject up, such an important area to look at in our lives.
Absolutely Samantha I love how you express that we are capping ourselves and therefore not reaching our true potential by allowing ourselves to slip into these old roles rather than being authentic with whomever we come into contact with however long they have known us and whatever expectations they have of us. I have recently been opening up with my sister and it has allowed for more understanding and support of each other which is beautiful.
Love the way you’ve captured the conundrum we face with those we’ve known a long time when we choose to want to express ourselves differently and particularly when that’s counter to their expectations. How people are invested in us staying the same and how we battle with breaking out of that for fear of rejection or making waves. Great blog. Thanks.
Hi Anne, thank you for your honest blog. I know for me that the more connection and love I have for myself, the more confident I am and therefore the more I can be the real me.
I can definitely relate to what you say about how family and friends tend to expect you to be how you used to be and that it’s hard to reflect something completely different. What an awesome blog!
Thank you Anne for all you share and I have really found the same thing with old patterns and old ways with old friends.
I am finding how beautiful it is now feeling to freely express from the true me and the joy that comes from that, and when I don’t with old patterns how yuck that feels inside. I know I can’t do that anymore.
This all comes from learning to love and appreciate myself and the joy that I treasure from this and want to share with everyone.
This is all thanks to my time with Universal Medicine .
Yes, Anne I completely relate to communicating in the same way with people I’ve known for longer. It’s like it keeps us both stuck as the same script plays out. They know what to ask and say and I respond or react in a way I always do. Now I can feel when this same quality of conversation repeats and after feels yukky as you say. Slowly this is changing as I allow myself to be open equally with everyone, and choose to be with Me, rather than what I think I need. Inspiring read, Thank you!
What a timely read this article was for me tonight, thank you for sharing.
It is easy to slip into old patterns and ways with people we know well. I also love Golnaz’s analogy of leaving trails of old ways behind and to be observant to not walk in old trails but to re-imprint them with the true you.
I agree. The old ingrained patterns are grooves that are so easy to slide into. Just being aware of the trails you leave behind is a great observation and an opportunity to stay true to who you are.
Yes, i find this to be an interesting transitional phase which I find often happens in many of my relationships due to the fact that we are constantly changing and evolving.
Thank you Anne – yes it is true that when we change some people don’t like it or are challenged by it and want us to be the way we were – even though the way we were was not who we truly are! It is of course much more freeing to just be yourself, irrespective of what other people think or expect – yet how easy it is to get caught up in their expectations and also our own unmet needs such that we play along with these old ways and patterns. Great to observe this and see where we are getting caught as you have done.
So true Eunice, others can get challenged when we start to let go of some of our less loving patterns and behaviours as it reflects back to them their own imperfections and responsibility to change – and that sometimes can be uncomfortable to say the least.
So true, how it is easier to be a new version of you, even if it is the true you, with those who have no expectations of you. No wonder there is such a high rate of people relocating or moving out, getting new jobs, etc. when then, we are not obviously held accountable for our actions up until that point when we change our environs. All it is showing us is how far removed we have become from our true selves, and often that is quite painful to deal with.
So, so true. Thank you for this blog which has given me plenty to ponder.
Hi Anne, I have been noticing this as well and your article prompted me to reflect on it some more. I notice that as I evolve and expand, I can more easily be the ‘new’ version of me in new situations and that I more easily fall into old patterns in old familiar situations. This can even be the comfort of my own home! So what is similar between my home and my old relationships? What I realise is that every choice, every action leaves a trail, I may not see it, but I and everyone else none-the-less feel it and get affected by it. When I go into old situations I walk into the old trails that I myself have laid down previously. If those old patterns no longer represent who I have now evolved to, what is required is a more deliberate attention to not walk in the previous trails and to re-imprint the situation with the new me. How awesome. Thank you for your article.
Hi Golnaz, I love the analogy of the trails as that is exactly what it feels like to me as well. Thank you for expanding on this – it has really deepened it even more.
Golnaz this is a beautiful extension of Anne’s blog, and I feel you’ve pinpointed something super important as to why we return to old behaviours. I feel very similarly – that it’s easy to be true to myself in new situations, rather than situations similar to those in the past, which in truth re-appear so that we can re-imprint and change that situation to one that we are true in.
Meg, thank you. When you put it as you have, it is easier to let go of any self judgment if we slip into an old pattern – as you say, they “re-appear so that we can re-imprint and change that situation”, and maybe we won’t get it right first time around, but they will keep appearing, and we can continually re-imprint.
I agree with you Meg. A beautiful extension Golnaz. I, too, can relate very much to slipping into the old patterns out of comfort, security and familiarity, yet it never feels satisfying or fulfilling. However, the more I take ‘deliberate attention’ to express from the ‘real me’ the more my life, and those around me, are enriched.
I agree Jonathan. Choosing to let go of the beliefs in how I should be rather than just being me has had a positive effect on me and has rippled into an even stronger relationship with others.
Meg, I am finding that so true. Over the holiday period I’ve spent time with close relatives and have especially appreciated the many opportunities to re-imprint my way of relating. I’ve been so appreciative of their willingness to relate in new ways to me too and finding after so many years I’m getting to know the real them which is beautiful.
To Golnaz, Anne and Meg thank you for expressing so clearly what it is like to move on with our new found clarity and yet liable to fall back into old patterns the moment we found ourselves in familiar situations.
Golnaz has created an extension of the blog and Monica you have given it a real visual. The trails which snails leave – it creates a picture and reminds me I have a choice as to how I walk on this trail I have already walked!
Yes, gorgeous Meg. And this then opens up the opportunity for us to possibly feel awkward or uncomfortable, to laugh at ourselves and also to enjoy the feeling of walking the new trail, even though it seems less familiar.
Beautiful Kylie, I like that, ‘simply walking our new trail that is unfamiliar’ is fun indeed! Sometimes we need new in order to feel and be aware of the old we have lived. The comfort we at times can get stuck in, is actually very harmful should we never wake up to the fact that we are in comfort – which Universal Medicine so beautifully does.
Thanks Anne and Golnaz. I was just in an old pattern and after reading this blog and comments, have managed to pull myself out of it.
I have realised this too Natalie. Not a coincidence.
Yes Golnaz, I can connect to the analogy of walking into previous trails and just repeating old habits because they are familiar. In these situations I have to remember that I always have a choice and can choose a different way. A wonderful expansion on Anne’s blog.
Golnaz, awesome points you make here. I particularly like the ‘comfort of my own home’ and this is something I can relate to. Thank you for bringing awareness to this.
Beautifully put and so true Golnaz, thank you. ‘What I realise is that every choice, every action leaves a trail, I may not see it, but I and everyone else none-the-less feels it and get affected by it. When I go into old situations I walk into the old trails that I myself have laid down previously. If those old patterns no longer represent who I have now evolved to, what is required is a more deliberate attention to not walk in the previous trails and to re-imprint the situation with the new me.’ Such a great reminder for me, and so pertinent at present, I will take this with me into my day.
A super honest article Anne and I love your trail analogy Golnaz, and as such, we are indeed presented with a choice in every moment to lovingly re- imprint, a beautiful realisation. Thank you both for bringing this to light
Golnaz thats a great analogy and point and something to be aware instead of avoiding those more “difficult” situations which are really just there for us to re-imprint.
Great pointed Golnaz. And it shows how we create an environment (home, friends, workplace. whatever) which is given us security and stability – but not the flexibility and space to evolve. This is like puppets on their strings, we take the benefit of “being held” but also getting the narrowness, the dependence of it.
The narrowness is what causes the tension in the body that all is not well and the opportunity is always offered to either choose to expand or continue to walk the narrowness of what is offered to use in all facets of everyday life.
Golnaz that is an extremely helpful way to look at it. A reminder that we always have to wait for the momentum of our past choices to catch up.
Thank you Anne for highlighting some of the ‘stuff’ that comes up for me when connecting with old friends and family. And I also found it helpful the way that Golnaz has spoken about old trails – a little like a snail is what I can picture. We leave behind these ‘trails’ and I find they can draw me back in to behave in the same ‘old way’. I will pay ‘deliberate attention’ to not walk in these trails and to allow my old friends to share the real me who is unfolding.
I love what you have offered here, Golnaz. It makes so much sense why it’s easier, particularly with close friends/family, to get pulled back into the old pattern that we thought we had beaten ages ago. Thank you.
I agree with Fumiyo and others re what Anne and then Golnaz expanded on so beautifully.
It is those patterns of behaviour so entrenched from the past that still reoccur in our relationships that we have a choice to re inprint or not. Lovely analogy with a snail trail- do we leave a loving, beaming light of joy behind, which is inspiring for others to follow, by being who we truly are, with no “needs” or attachments?
Hi Anne, I can easily relate to all you say about being bossy, the defence and recognition I felt I needed, my relationship with friends and family and wanting to be all things to all people. The more we love ourselves the less we need to receive from others, the letting go of “need”
has been great for me. I so loved your analogy Golnaz of trails, it will be a great reminder for me when I slip back into old patterns which does happen but I love myself through these times now. It is so encouraging that most of us have been there before but we can now see the change in us clearly and feel the benefits of truth and love that we have received from belonging to our family that is Universal Medicine.
It makes sense what you write about the trails we leave, and that the old, long trodden trails need a bit more attention to not trod them again out of comfort. What I have also found is that as long as I want something from the situation I am in, i.e. to be liked, an easy conversation.., I find myself more easily back into old behaviours.
‘What I have also found is that as long as I want something from the situation I am in, i.e. to be liked, an easy conversation.., I find myself more easily back into old behaviours.’ Absolutely, Esther I notice this too. Any investment I have comes back to bite me on the bum, so to speak.
Golnaz re imprinting the new situation rather then following the old trial. Amazing thank you.
I like this description Golnaz as I can feel how easy it is sometimes to keep repeating something I dont want to be doing anymore and each time I repeat it, it deepens the groove on that trail. ‘Falling into a rut’ says it all.
Dear Anne, I can relate to finding myself falling back into old patterns of relating when I am talking to people who have known me a long time and living up to their ‘expectations’ of what I will say and how I will behave. For me it has been a gradual process of becoming more true to myself and recognising, like you, the times that I am most likely to slip back. Thank you for your sharing of the journey you are on.
Thank you Helen. I love and appreciate your comments.
Anne. I can fully relate to what you say. Making life changes to old ways, needed a lot of work and soul searching, but getting there is a wonderful feeling.
I can also relate to this Helen and Anne…how vulnerable we feel when we first let the mask slip in front of those who have only known us with the mask on and perhaps had no issue with it. To stand there in front of another and allow ourselves, our true selves, to truly be seen can be both terrifying and liberating. By letting more of ourselves (our love and our light) out in this way, we can let more of the other person in because removing the mask creates more space for love to express fully, openly and unashamedly. Not in a gushing or too intense way but in a very humble and simply way that says: “the love in me is the love in you”.
Hi Anne. Thank you for your insightful blog. I could relate to a lot of what you shared. I feel very similar things. But I am now realising that this is a blessing to feel this as I am now feeling what no longer fits the real me. I have become super aware of when this happens now and it is a pull and a choice to evolve in every interaction. Thank you for your beautiful sharing.
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Thank you Anne- Marie. I too love knowing that with every interaction I have the opportunity to express myself in a different way. This is so affirming to know as when I slip back into old patterns as I still do occasionally, I have another opportunity to express differently. With Appreciation, Anne.
Me too Mary – the momentum of arresting some patterns can sometimes be a slow process! However the more I’ve learnt to simply observe the process, still remain honest, and still be committed to working on myself – without judging or bashing myself – the easier this process becomes to integrate these changes into the body.
Gorgeous Anne. Yes patterns in relating can run very deep but there is always the opportunity to make lasting change!
That’s the beauty of every day we have available to us. We can choose again. And we need those days because sometimes those momentums run deep and are a challenge to change. Our friends can be a great support, however sometimes it is best to let go of unloving friendships to make new loving markers with new friends. God has a wnderful way of showing us our new opportunities. They are always flowing to us when we are open to seeing them.
That’s the great part I find Shevon – it’s never too late to be aware of our behaviours, never to late to be honest with ourselves, and never to late to make changes!
Exactly Angela. We only have to reflect back to appreciate all the changes that have already taken place to know that we are more than capable of changing anything that stands between us and our relationship with God.