Yesterday when I phoned a close friend in the South Island, I realised that it was not the ‘real me’ talking to her, even though our conversation had been ‘normal’. We have known each other for many years, see each other about twice a year and speak on the phone about once a fortnight.
When I got off the phone I felt really ‘yuk’. She had mentioned during the conversation that she was used to me being ‘bossy’ and that it was okay with her. This added to my yukkiness as it did not feel okay with me.
I know in the past I have been bossy and appeared ‘all knowing’, and that seems to be how some close friends and my family tend to perceive me. In the past this has made me feel important and I guess it has given me some form of recognition, but recently I have been feeling more uncomfortable with it and realise it is not the real me.
So I asked myself, why was it when talking to her yesterday (and probably most other times I talk to her) do I slip into old patterns of conversation?
Why am I afraid to show my close friend the real me?
It is partly about the fear of losing her friendship, as other friendships have dropped off in the last 2-3 years since I have made significant changes in my life. Out of habit I phone her regularly, but this is also about trying to hold onto our friendship as I feel that I could lose her friendship if we don’t have regular contact. I have also noticed that I don’t carefully discern the time I am phoning her – I am often tired, less aware of ‘me’, and find it easy to slip into the gossipy conversation we sometimes have.
As I am writing this I am aware of the huge need I have had over the years to have ‘friends’, and that I have expected these friendships to fill my emptiness.
Although I am developing a connection to and a love for myself, which I have not previously had, I still struggle to express that to others and allow them to feel the real me. It seems to be harder to reflect the real me honestly with family and close friends who have known me a long time, as not only do I slip into old patterns, but they expect me to still be in those patterns!
It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations. However, these are all things I am now working on and I feel that I am learning to live differently and generally have a greater awareness of the energy I am in before having a conversation, either at home or at work.
I truly appreciate the workshops, personal healing sessions and the people I have met through Universal Medicine who continue to support me to be the real me so that my reflection can be felt – not only by my close friends and family – but by all with whom I come into contact.
By Anne Hishon, Tauranga, New Zealand
429 Comments
When we have relationships based on not wanting to lose them, we can often bend who we are to fit into a warped perception either theirs or ours of what friendships mean. This can completely take the natural magic away and erode what was there – always best to be ourselves.
A delightfully brief and yet very revealing commentary upon the way we interact in our lives… And how we can choose to actually be who we truly are with everyone
Yes when we start to change the way we have been with people, there can be reactions, I am learning to deepen my love and hold a steadiness in these times and remain open regardless of the reactions, I am far from perfect but when I do this I am not playing into the game.
This is a great observation Anne, and one that has a similarity to what my daughter and I discovered. Now and again we would have conversations about how to do such and such on a computer and I would slip into this ‘I can’t because I am studpid energy’ and she would react and get frustrated with me, and the cycle would continue. Until that is we spoke openingly about it and could see where my belief came from and how it was still playing out in my life.
I have been noticing how I try to complicate and close the doors to intimacy when I can feel my friendships are getting more loving and intimate. I start allowing in expectations, comparison and jealousy, these are huge barriers that stops any relationship from developing and further deepening because they create all sorts of hurts and complications. I am beginning to recognise these patterns I draw in and how I use them to push people away all because I am resisting intimacy, and it is awesome to start seeing these games I play and to put a stop to them as they appear.
Love the fact that you opened up the topic of ‘gossipy type conversations’. I’ve been observing that in certain circumstances this can happen. What is true to note is the common denominator is me.
Old patterns we have with friends can be hard to break but the more we stand strong in what we know is true for us the more we evolve, being sloppy and staying in habitual behaviour with friends is one sure way to make life stagnant.
Women in particular I feel, from quite young on (I’m thinking high school), have a propensity to develop quite intense, co-dependent relationships with each other out of neediness of some kind or the other which in truth serve neither party. It’s great to be aware of the possibility of these types of connections and make more mature choices when it comes to how our friendships with other women are conducted.
The stronger the relationship with ourselves the stronger we are and keep our integrity with others. There are lots of times I could give in to thoughts that tempt me back into old ways that no longer support me, the more committed I am to evolving the more my relationships sort themselves out.
It can be really uncomfortable to feel how others have been hurt by you or judge you and hold you to ransom for your past behaviours and demeanours that you know in your heart were not you but come through you so you are responsible for them all the same. Nonetheless it is our ongoing responsibility to always discern the quality of our expression and correct the patterns that feed these behaviours and demeanours for they hold us all back from living our potential.
It could be said too that people are really only ever rejecting themselves even though on the surface it feels like they are rejecting us. If we are transparent and in our essence they may feel they cannot join us in that, or receive whatever reflection is on offer to inspire them back to their own true selves. It comes back to their own relationship to themselves.
Thanks Anne, I can feel that there are new ways of expression waiting there in my existing relationships and that letting this out would be more true to both of us.
Being more aware of our behaviours and or old patterns allows us to see when they come out to play and why. Being honest and letting people see who we really are leads to more intimate relationships with not only ourselves but with others too and can change the whole dynamic for all relationships thereafter.
Being willing to let the world see you, hear you and feel you as you are is a blessing for all involved.
I find that the only way to not go into old patterns is to remain very present in my body.
What I am finding more and more in conversations with old friends and or family is how does my body feel. Am I connected to my movements and do I speak up when the opportunity is there instead of holding back out of niceness or to keep the peace? I am finding the simplicity in taking a moment to feel my body even just my hands or my feet in my shoes and then speaking from there it makes huge difference and it brings great ease and joy to my body too.
I have found that the hardest people to be myself around are those who I have known for a long time. But I can see how I am the one holding back out of fear of loosing them and in this they actually miss out on who I really am. As do I.
I can easily relate to what you have so honestly shared Anne as the same thing happened when I too” made significant changes in my life”. Those around me often struggled to accept the changes even though they knew why I had made them; to improve the quality of my life which had been very challenging for so long. It has taken a while but as a result of my ‘new lease on life’ and the consistency that I have held the changes they are now so much more accepting and as a result our relationships which were once wobbling are now very steady and expanding in many ways.
It’s quite interesting to look at what we do before talking to certain friends and family in our lives. Do we make sure we are connected and feel ourselves or do we make sure we are not connected and are tired and feeling obligated. I’ve done the latter many many times and then wonder why I feel so awful afterwards and the whole conversation is strained.
It’s a great point Aimee that feeling strained is a signal we are not being true to ourselves.
The timing and space to connect with people is so key in developing relationships. When a connection is made based on a sense of duty or on the past, then we cna interfere with what relationships can truly offer.
The pictures of what it means to be a ‘friend’ are fed from a consciousness that seeks to reduce the true purpose of the evolution that real friendships offer. Being honest, open, transparent with ourselves first is what allows real friendships to develop in truth and supports us to grow and celebrate who we are in essence, through our sharing, and our togetherness and our willingness to deepen our connection to love. When we are led by pictures we miss out on deepening quality relationships, we miss out on the realness, the richness, the confirmation and the opportunity to evolve which is alive whenever we meet another in truth, be it a day, week, month, year apart.
Thankyou Carola, it’s a very simple foundation you have presented, to be our real and full selves with others and allow the evolution that comes with that, as opposed to living to the pictures of what relationships can be and the conditions that come with these, which effectively reduces what’s possible in terms of growing and expanding together.
I can so relate to this blog and friendships are very interesting, do they feed us what we need to feel secure in or do they give us the opportunity to evolve? I certainly have my leaner plates on here and every ‘friend’ is giving me the opportunity to discern which one it is.
It’s a great point you have made about relationships Shushila “do they feed us what we need to feel secure in or do they give us the opportunity to evolve?”
The behaviours we take on with friends and family can be so ingrained that it does require a lot of patience, acceptance and understanding of ourselves and developing a loving relationship with myself is certainly supporting me in the unfolding of what it means to live the ‘real me’ in my relationship with friends and family.
I know exactly what you mean about slipping into old ways with old friends and, in my case, often with siblings. I had not considered how much their wanting to keep me in a certain way has added to this and how I have fallen for it or reacted against it.
There’s a comfort and safety in relationships feeling the same, and often strong dynamics in existing family relationships which seek that familiarity to feed a need or emptiness.
Your Blog Anne touches on something that is common to everyone and invites a deeper level of honesty and awareness. Growing the awareness of our body and checking in regularly allows a more truthful picture of where we are at in the moment. This is something I have not done regularly but have started to do. We are responsible for how we are in the world and it is very easy to ignore that and get swept up in what is going on around us. The need to be included and valued at any cost can be a bigger price to pay than we sometime realise.
When we do let, ourselves open up, be vulnerable and share with friends there is a beauty in the response and honesty between both that follows. Equally, there is a power in nominating ‘ill actions’ between friends when needed and being called out for it…this actually builds trust and a great relationship.
Its funny how we hold back in talking with people with honesty in fear of losing their friendship, and yet it is what we all crave as it brings intimacy, trust and honesty. For sure some people will not want it, but most likely we will draw more people closer to us as they will feel the simplicity and genuineness of the friendship on offer and the love that there is to be shared.
Great sharing Anne, patterns can run deep and we need to give ourselves time to change old patterns and introduce new ones, sometimes its easy to start this with new people and then bring it through with family and friends.
Thank you for sharing this Anne – I can recognise the same thing in me – whereby I change back into old habits with old friends to keep things comfortable. Reading your blog really brought this to my attention and i can appreciate that there is an area for me to look and – as to why I pander and hold back being the true me.
Thank you Anne for sharing, I can relate to what you are saying about old patterns, at a new job I am doing I am seeing myself go into old patterns of dealing with a similar situation as in the past, my past way of relating is not truly me, and so but this pattern has been brought to my attention for it to be cleared.
A lightbulb went on reading this blog today – when aware of a behaviour we feel uncomfortable with its because we know it is not us, it is not who we truly are or how we would truly be in life. Thank You Anne.
We hold onto so many patterns and images of ourselves because of the recognition others have given us, and so many of these are not loving, we may receive the recognition that temporarily lifts us or get us acceptance, but ultimately the body does not lie and we would feel that is not us. Frequently I feel I am accepted (more) when I do not speak up and is easy going, but the tension that I feel when something needs to be said and I hold back feels extremely damaging. The easiest way is not to think about to say or not to say, but to simply feel and move according to what is felt.
If we consider the extremities of what is going on in the world and the state of our relationships and communities everywhere not to mention our health and wellbeing, it is clear that the only way we can ever offer any true change in this world is to be the real deal with all we meet and connect with as it is these old patterns that hold us all back, not just individually.
What a lovely blog to read Anne, it feels so honest, open and loving. For me this morning it is a great reminder to be aware of the energy I am in whist talking and connecting with people; also have I connected to myself first?
If we commit to engaging in a process of healing the hurts we have harboured in life – hurts perhaps from childhood, from abusive situations and relationships, that have led us to be less than who we truly are in the lived expression of our everyday – then we will inevitably have to meet such situations as you have described here Anne. Situations where our own need for a relationship and/or pattern of seeking comfort in it (even if it doesn’t truly serve us – at least it’s been a ‘known’…) gets exposed for us to look at what we’ve created.
Is it open to change? And are WE open to bringing all that we are to the other, even when the reflection we receive back from them tells us they would far prefer we be our ‘old selves’ than the new… That is the ‘testing point’ if you will, isn’t it – and one that offers us the opportunity to step beyond our own personal needs and desires, and recognise that true service and love for another, means to be all that we truly are with them and not hold back a skerrick of what we know to be true.
Thank you Victoria for everything you have shared here including “That is the ‘testing point’ if you will, isn’t it – and one that offers us the opportunity to step beyond our own personal needs and desires, and recognise that true service and love for another, means to be all that we truly are with them and not hold back a skerrick of what we know to be true.” One approach is for self and those unresolved hurts and emptiness, and one is to be filled with oneself, whole and complete and contributing that to the all. There is a beautiful clarity in everything you have shared here, thank you.
The true nature of a friendship can be very readily revealed when one party makes changes in their lives that step outside of the familiar ‘status quo’ of how things have been… Family, friends, colleagues, neighbours… people often react and seek to place us back into a submissive role – especially when our life changes encompass deeper self-care, love and honouring.
All great learning, if one is truly committed to healing that which has held us back from a true and fully lived expression of love in our lives (the real deal of love – not wishy washy in the slightest…). We must be willing to energetically look at and understand the interplays that occur, and see where we ourselves may well find that ‘old ways’ we’ve actually grown beyond, are still a default mechanism when push comes to shove.
Thanks Victoria, I have really received great support from the clarity of your comment. This exact thing happened to me when I went to a new level of love for myself and challenged a status quo in a relationship – the other person reacted strongly, possibly to protect exploring the hurts that the next level of healing would require. What I didn’t do at the time was continue to allow myself to go to a deeper level of love with myself, as the situation was quite intense and I also went into reaction as I had a need for this relationship to continue (and had a picture it would). Extracting myself out of both of our reactions I can see that I was simply initiating more love in my life and regardless of how the world may react it’s essential to my wellbeing to keep deepening the love I can live. And it’s a great learning to realise I can allow people the space (without my need) to come to that in their own way and time. Your comment has given me such a clearer understanding of the mechanics at play – thankyou. Both this comment and the one you’ve made below have been incredibly supportive – I could read a whole book from you on the topic 🙂
Great reminder to check the energy I am in before having a conversation. I have often forged ahead with a conversation because I want to get it over without discerning whether it is true to actually have the conversation at that particular moment and sometimes at all. I can feel how imposing this is and it’s no wonder that the outcome of such conversations is so often unsatisfactory and potentially damaging for my relationships.
Discovering the real me is an interesting process and one that I feel is not yet complete as there are often sneaky corners of what is not the true me putting up a smoke screen. I have cleared a lot of mist from the mirror but I am enjoying walking through the mirage as I reconnect to who I truly am.
I know exactly what you mean Anne when you describe how you hold back the true you in case you loose your friends. It serves noone and least of all ourselves. In fact it is deeply harming for the body.
I love the lessons you have presented to us here Anne. Just being ourselves allows others to be themselves; certainly a work in progress as we express more of our true selves. Thank you Anne for sharing.