I really admire how some couples can be such good friends after separating! WOW! It is RARE but so beautiful to see. I’ve asked myself “How is that possible, or is it even possible, to be really true friends and hold nothing against your ex-partner after you go your own separate ways?”
“If you break up, you can’t be friends” is the belief I have held until recently and have mostly seen lived out around me in the past. It was almost a ‘taboo’ to be friends after breaking up!
In recent times, and due to my association with Universal Medicine, I have seen an amazing way of being in a FEW couples who have broken up, and have been really amazed to see how wonderful they are with each other – just like good friends (and NO, this can’t be faked!). There is no bitterness between them and they are now truly good friends after separating. In fact, there’s mutual respect and an amazing sense of care for the other person. I have seen this very rarely in couples aside from those I’ve met while attending Universal Medicine events.
It’s like these people have let go of whatever was holding them together, but more so what they were holding against each other. It’s as though they now have a best friend for life – which somehow makes more sense to me, since they did know each other very deeply when they were together. These relationships now seem to be at a new, deeper level.
What’s more, they truly are joyful and OK with themselves, whether or not they are in a new relationship. It’s amazing to see that in someone, and see what unfolds inside me because of that. It’s the beauty in who they are, and how truly wonderful they feel, that’s so inspiring.
It seems to me that maybe for some, there is a time in a relationship where you don’t need to be together, and it doesn’t have to mean that you don’t care for or love one another. Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together. It may seem strange but this different way of being and thinking feels beautiful and right to me. I’m OK with it – it’s been something to deeply ponder on!
In difficult times in my own relationship I’ve wondered, and also at the same time wished, that if my partner and I were ever to go our own separate ways – would there be a way we could still have a loving relationship (a true, deep friendship) that holds no bounds to the traditional ways of ex-relationships? Is it possible we could truly be good friends after breaking up?
In the past I would have wondered how we could do this without hurting or holding things against one another. But now I have a deeper understanding of relationships and of what love in a relationship actually is. Now, the well-known phrase ‘live and let live’ has a whole new meaning for me, and my understanding of it just keeps unfolding deeper.
As I see it now, it’s beyond being together. When you love someone, you are also able to set them free if it’s true for you both to part. It’s not at the expense of your being in pain and getting hurt, but rather it appears liberating to let go of those things that make you hold on and live in a need of being attached. How beautiful it is to not be pushy or imposing on another.
To love someone to me now means that you are able to set them free of any boundaries or limitations or impositions of being with you, and let them live a life of freedom, freedom of their choice! To love and let your love live is what makes sense to me now.
I can now breathe the freedom of what I feel love truly is 🙂 . I’m no longer scared at that thought of being together or not because I can see the living proof that being good friends after separating is possible; that there is another way and that way is so beautiful and loving.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and the true beauty of the livingness and the way of life that Universal Medicine offers!
By Pinky Pancholi, Software Engineer, Brisbane, Australia
300 Comments
Thank you for sharing Pinky. When my husband and I divorced 16 years it was with much anger, hurt, pain and emotion with neither of us ever contemplating that we would be anything but bitter enemies. But now, although we are not friends when we do come together on an occasion relating to one of our sons it feels so harmonious. What a gift that has been and is for us all.
Hi Pinky, I have remained friends with some ex partners so I can totally relate to your article
I have seen this too and it is so beautiful!
I remember as a kid I would watch movies and when there was a break up, they wanted each other out of each others lives. It confused me that they could once be so close, to now not wanting each other at all. It’s like the people that are still friends after they break up, are allowing themselves to deal with the separation, remain tender and compassionate to themselves and to the other person and in that, there is no forgetting the love they have for that person. Even though now it will be expressed in a friendship.
There is always another way to respond to anything in our lives, the more loving we are with ourselves, the more love we can respond with to our ex parners/colleagues/family…
‘To love someone to me now means that you are able to set them free of any boundaries or limitations or impositions of being with you, and let them live a life of freedom, freedom of their choice!’ Great that you were able to heal your anxiousness around this, Pinky. I feel touched by this sentence as it inspires me to let go of expectations concerning relationship.
Thank you Pinky for discussing this topic. I am good friends with my ex-husband, as I have always believed that as the relationship was initially based on love, the love is still there – it hasn’t disappeared, just changed the form in how it looks to the people involved and the outside world. In coming to this place of friendship, it did require feeling and working through the hurts etc and being honest with self, but ultimately, making it about love first (shared with his permission).
Hi Pinky I agree it is really inspiring to see genuine loving caring friendship between ex partners. It is also lovely for kids to know that their parents still love and respect each other.
Beautiful blog Pinky – I have remained friends with my ex’s and the children involved (although 16 years+) are very grateful for this as they enjoy being able to spend time with us both at the same time still and always comments arise as to how great it is that our home is open to them always.
It is great to hear and very inspiring that many couples after breaking up have a more deeper relationship with their ex, as they have dealt with their hurts, and based the relationship on true love.
“To Love and Let Your Love Live” is quote of the year! This is a very inspiring and confirming blog, Pinky. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful observations. I am left with much to ponder for why shouldn’t a true and lasting friendship be the norm after a break-up? We are all evolving and I feel that perhaps when we allow a relationship to complete, we can then be free of any attachments which then evolve us to truer relationship which then serves to deepen and evolve all our relationships. It’s a win-win all round!
I never would have believed that seperating could actually deepen your relationship. When my former partner and me set each other free our lives suddenly started to blossom and our true selves started to show.
We are now best of friends and care for each other more than ever before and truly support each other. It was interesting to experience that at first nearly no one seemed to understand why we separated – let alone separate and still love each other.
Setting you free instead of separating is indeed a very powerful reflection which makes people think about their choices and become more aware of that there is much more than the usual „break up and never see you again“.
Thank you for sharing your experience Michael, if we don’t let the hurts get in the way there is a natural freeing up and all the attachments that held the relationship together disolve. Gorgeous to hear that you and your former partner are best of friends and are a true support for each other, this is so different from what you normally hear when two people decide to separate.
What you have written feels so beautiful Michael. Through reading this blog and the comments, I truly feel that I have had so many expectations and ideals about relationship that it is no wonder I have struggled in this area. I can feel the truth of the importance of setting people free, and just pondering on that I feel more spacious within myself. Thank You.
thank you, Pinky for speaking up this topic. I was married for 14 years and after the divorce we became even deeper friends as we were before we break up our relationship. Today, I can say its one of my deepest friendships I ever had because we shared so much together. Because we saw each other in so many situations and because we loved and still have love for each other.
Pinky this is truly such a beautiful revelation you have expressed, thank you. The freedom felt from the letting go of attachment and returning to true love simply brings connection and intimacy back no matter what our roles are to each other, allowing what true relationship is to unfold.
I totally agree with being able to be friends after separating, I have always wanted to keep in contact with past boyfriends and stay friends. I have only recently realized that many people think it is a weird thing to do. But it is only weird if you hold something against previous partners and find it hard to let go of hurts from that relationship. I love that so many people you know are able to do that. really refreshing from the norm. It makes sense that you would want to be friends with someone you were so close to and have a connection with. Being in an intermit relationship with that person might not work, but you could have an awesome friendship and relationship regardless.
A lovely article, thank you for writing this Pinky. As Gabriele commented, both parties have to be able to work towards creating a beautiful new friendship after separations and this must take time. So whether staying together or separating and staying friends “it takes two to tango!”
Thank you Pinky. It feels to me like relationships never really end they just change. It is our choice whether we continue to have a loving relationship or whether we let emotions and baggage get in the way.
If a relationship does not end with love then I would question whether there was ever really any true love there from the beginning or whether it was a relationship based on fulfilling each others needs.
That is what I have experienced, and also seen all around me, Grierson, that many relationships are based on some sort of emotional need, and very uncomfortable it is too. My present partner and I separated for a year not knowing whether we would come together again, and remained the best of friends, supporting and respecting each other’s choices. We each understood that we were building our own foundations of love within ourselves. After a year we naturally renewed our relationship and lived together again, still building, and always naming clearing anything that arise between us. If one of us were to decide to leave, there would be no acrimony, for no longer is there any emotional need.
This a a lovely sharing, Joan. Thank you.
I love what you have shared Joan, thank you.
Great to come back and re-read your blog Pinky. I love how with love nothing is set in stone we can rewrite the book of love if it is done with true love. Don’t ya just love it?
There really is another way of being in relationships and I too am inspired by the many relationships I have observed in the Universal Medicine Student Body and amongst Serge Benhayon and the Benhayon family. I have often wondered how two people who have been very close and intimate and slept in the same bed can end up hating each other. What I really appreciate about your blog is that you bring it back to Love. When we make the Love the intention and foundation in our relationships, then transformation is possible.
Your words apply to my new friendship also. I want to bring ‘not to be pushy or imposing’ and ‘let go of the need to be attached’ into it in the early stages, as we build a foundation of love together… Thank you Pinky.
I remained friends with my ex-husband, he carried on working in the family business, and as the father of my boys it was often necessary to discuss things relating to our children. I always was aware that how we related would also have a huge impact on our children, divorce is a stressful enough event for children without it being added to unnecessarily.
Pinky, this is a great blog – I like how you have presented about the fact that if we don’t hold any fear about there not being a friendship/connection if there was a breakup, then it actually deepens the relationship – brilliant
In past long term relationships I have had, they did not end in friendships. There were too many hurts and a break down in communication. I left my family home like an emotional pinball machine and as a young adult I did not have enough consistency or self worth to support me making loving choices in relationships. I have changed a lot over the last 12 years and I can see that there is another way to finish one sort of relationship and have it evolve without emotional overload. I can feel that ‘love’ can offer another way. Thank you for sharing.
I have always found it sad that people allow love to turn to hate and distrust. It feels to me that love that turns to hate is based on emotions and needs rather than what is true for both parties/people. When two people come together in true love with no need there is a love that is not diminished if they choose to part as each takes their love for and of themselves with them.
Well said Mary, when there is true love from the start, love continues whether people remain or not in the relationship, and when they leave, love walks with them which is the love they brought to the relationship in the first place.
I agree Mary & Jacqueline…love based on emotions and need is not true love and is laced with so many expectations. The hallmark version of love so often portrayed on TV & in movies used to suck me in years ago, but thank God I have realised that true love resides within and can only be shared with another, not given or bought through chocolate and flowers.
Thanks for the blog, I can relate to this very well as I have had a couple of relationships where by I didn’t speak or stay in contact with them once we finished. I have also had a loving relationship with an ex boyfriend and it is amazing.
One of the differences is I started to look at myself and how I could have done things differently – not blaming the other person for what ever I thought they had done wrong which created the issues. Letting go of what happened and reflecting on myself has had a massive difference. Now when i am with my ex which really I don’t use that word any more – he is a dear friend and we enjoy our time just being ourselves with each other. Very special because the Love I have now for him is not laced with any emotional needs or desires, it is what it is.
Gorgeous to feel how you can deepen your love and connection with someone even through a break up. Thank you.
Pinky. A truly inspirational blog. It is lovely to see couples that have split up, and have remained firm friends, and still have respect for each other.
I now know that in the past my relationships were all based on emotional needs. I had always found it strange when ex-couples were still friends… they were just ahead of the game so to say, its where we should all be. Once you get emotions out of the way its easy. You get to see a whole new loving caring person from a different perspective.
It has never felt right to me to end a relationship and just walk away as though that person never existed; that your time together meant nothing. It seems to me that society has this unwritten rule that you should not be friends after a break up but I have met people who have ended their marital relationship, but still remain best friends and who have a lot of love and respect for each other. Great topic Pinky, thanks.
Indeed, what a lovely blog Pinky. There is a wonderment and joy imprinted here that makes me want to come and enjoy Brisbane with you. I love your choice of blog here, really interesting, and honest. Thank you for that. In my past I have often found myself desperately afraid to let someone go… who will fill that void after all. But now I take full responsibility for everything in my life I am seeing very quickly the impact of letting everyone go. For me it’s not just about immediate partners but all individuals in my life. Without imposing the burden of Me on to them, I am able to bring all of who I am without judgment and the relationship is allowed to blossom naturally. The friendships and relationships I have started to make in this way are so close, so loving and all round amazing. I am having the best time.
Taking it to the next level, Phil – getting ourselves out of the way in all relationships. Great pause for reflection here, thank you.
Thank you for so clearly expressing something that I too have experienced!
This is lovely to read Pinky. Beautiful observations.
Wow, amazing blog Pinky. ‘Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together’ – totally inspirational, thank you!
I have seen a few people I know go on to be friends when the relationship ends, and like you have said it is an amazing thing to see. I am very humbled by people who are able to do this, because I am so used to seeing the painful break ups, the heartbreak, arguments etc, that we see in movies and in life. I imagine being able to end the relationship and stay friends with no hurt or anger towards the other person takes a lot of love, respect and understanding for both parties. Being able to mutually let go of the relationship and realise maybe the love you have for each other isn’t meant of a relationship, to me is huge and very inspiring. I love the quote you use Pinky “To love and let your love live is what makes sense to me now.” It makes sense to me too and is a great quote to live by. Thank you for sharing Pinky.
Beautiful Pinky, thank you for opening up the subject. It is so incredible to see people being able to remain friends after they part. We usually hold so many hurts and grudges against the other person that remaining friends is impossible. When we truly take responsibility for ourselves, then we cannot hold grudges against another, for its our own expectations and beliefs that cause the pain, not them. The fact that people are willing to address their pain in order to ensure that after they part, they still have a true friendship is so incredible and offers us all a great healing. As you say, in relationships we get to know one another very well, so why can’t that be a basis for a loving friendship afterwards?
I agree Rowena, and as you say in relationships, ‘we get to know one another very well, so why can’t that be a basis for a loving friendship afterwards’.
Also as Pinky shared, ‘To love someone to me now means that you are able to set them free of any boundaries or limitations or impositions of being with you, and let them live a life of freedom’. This feels beautiful.
So very true Rowena, I have found that it is my own expectations and attachment to outcomes that can cause the pain and not the other person, even though I have often preferred to blame others. When I choose to take responsibility for my own issues and address them, it allows the possibility of a loving relationship with the other person regardless of the changes – and in fact the changes, when based on truth can deepen the relationship.
I agree Rowena that the healing available for all concerned and around them is immense. As we witness true love and friendship after break-ups we shift our perceptions, ideals and beliefs back to the Truth of Love which is really inspiring and brings much joy.
Well said Rowena and I agree, responsibility is the key. After any break up we are each responsible for healing our own hurts, letting go of any grudges and for accepting our contribution to the demise of the relationship. But once the intensity has settled the connection and any of the qualities that you each felt for each other originally are still there and freely available to lay the foundations for a healthy and respectful friendship.
Hi Pinky, I haven’t dated many people and I haven’t stayed friends with any of them – but reading this helped me with understanding why, which was cool. The relationships weren’t built on true love, but all on emotions and needs. Thus the undealt with hurts involved upon the breakup just made it uncomfortable to be with them, or them with me. It’s cool to know it doesn’t have to be like that in the future! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Cheryl, I can completely relate to what you have just shared here and knowing that there is indeed another way.
Well said Cheryl and as you say Marcia “there is indeed another way”, which this article beautifully explores. As it, and all the comments endorse in different ways, it is so worthwhile.
Thank you, Pinky, for sharing how liberating it is when we redefine the confines of social ‘norms’.
Thanks for sharing Pinky. It is rare to find true friendship with an ex-partner. I remained friends with a couple of ex’s for a while but eventually lost touch. I feel that a lot of relationships are built on emotional love therefore the hurt involved in a breakup is not easily overcome. Finding love as friend after a breakup is true love.
Very true Kevin, with emotional love you will always be at the mercy of all those past hurts that haven’t been dealt with.
Kevin, so true, I have a few ex relationships I am best friends with and a few who just lost contact due to the hurts held. I always left wanting to remain friends, but now understand why this sometimes has not been the case and why we might struggle to stay in touch – when we opt out for emotional love and various hurts we choose to hold onto.
Pinky, thank you for sharing, it is inspiring for others to see that there is another way. I am still best friends with a few of my ex boyfriends, as I always used to say you can still be friends, still love each other but do not need to be in the relationship. Most people around said that’s just crazy, but I always believed in it and stuck by it. My ex-boyfriends came to my wedding too. I so believe when you have shared so much, why do you need to separate on hatred, you separate because the relationship does not support you both to be together for whatever it is, but the love is still there if you allow to feel it. I have had a few relationships that allowed hurt to get in the way and chose not to be friends, but that is their choice. Having understood more about love, relationships and feelings through Universal Medicine, it so makes sense why I always was in favour of being friends no matter where a relationship went.
Absolutely! You have made such a liberating revalation. Both of my ex-long term boyfriends are two of my best friends today (and are both coming to my wedding to my new partner). I have nothing but love and appreciate for them, and I feel this from them also. There is no need. Love is love, it just takes different forms.
Great blog Pinky. Beautiful Anna that your 2 ex-boyfriends are coming to your wedding.
Anna and Pinky this is truly amazing and beautiful. Staying friend with previous partners and harbouring no resentment is actually possible and you are proof of it.
Inspired by the Way of the Livingness I have had a very loving and mutually respectful relationship with my ex-husband for a few years now. In the beginning there was sadness and quite a lot of hurt and resentment, but I would call it out and my ex-partner also found a way to point things out to me that he used to put up with and just bury while we lived together. Last year I invited him to attend the Universal Medicine relationship workshop with me and it was a great opportunity for both of us to share how much we appreciate ourselves and each other and it also allowed him to feel and express the deep sadness he had buried when we parted ways. It was as though a heavy burden lifted off his shoulders and our relationship evolved to another level of honesty and deep appreciation for one another.
Gabriele, You & others like you are my real inspiration & that is what I had seen around me that I had not before & it was truly moving in a beautiful way. It surely is liberating for you but also others who get to feel that reflection from you. So thank you for you. <3
Gabrielle. If only all relationships that end, could come back together, and talk about the hurt you both felt in your relationship and clear the air.
It was a most amazing experience, Mike and one I can only recommend. There is nothing like setting ourselves free of the burden of reservations and opinions that we can lug around with us after a relationship ends – after all, this is not something anybody does lightly, so the potential for growth and learning is immense.
And sometimes the potential for growth and learning is bigger when we are out of relationship. Still we can grow and evolve together and still be in relationship, rather friendship, and be loving. It happened to me in few occasions.
Yes that was my experience Elena with my last long-term relationship…much learning, and growth when I could bring a deeper understanding about the choices that were made. In this particular relationship it was the 6 years after & staying in contact that I could see how my lack of self worth was impacting how I was treated. So in our friendship after I had an opportunity to claim my power back…it was truly healing for all concerned & I learnt so much.
I have been witness to Gabriele’s evolving and loving relationship with her ex-partner which has been absolutely inspiring for me. It is amazing to feel the level of integrity and love that has been there all along and to know that we can nurture this with all our relationships.
Beautifully worded Marcia and the extra bonus is that we bring none of the past into any of our new relationships!
And to add, you don’t stop to love the person you have been together especially if it was a long time and you know each other so well. It is not a easy way sometimes to look at your hurts but it is worth of it. Feeling the deep love without any reservations and burdens from the former relationship as partners – is just amazing and supporting.
Wow Gabrielle, how deep your commitment to love must be – to end it , but then reconnect to clear any residual emotional hurts so that you can both go forward, evolve and be free to live more lovingly from then on. Very inspiring!
How deeply inspiring Gabriele, it would be seemingly easy to brush things of as the past but you both chose to heal the past together and come back to a true and loving relationship showing that a relationship like this is not bound to partners and can be with everyone, even the most unexpected ones like ex partners.
Gabriele, very beautiful to read. Many couples going through the emotional roller coaster ride of a break up and the aftermath could gain much from your blog.
Gabriele, this is healing for you both and for all others who are reading this as you are living the truth of love and not the often superficial relationship love in which appears to have a barometer which fluctuates depending on how each is feeling. It must be such a joy for you both to now be living in such honesty and loving connection.
That is beautiful Gabriele, thanks for sharing. We can all learn so much from each other when we are open to sharing our experiences.
Gabriele. This is truly inspiring and a way to heal the hurts that can fester after a relationship break up. Learning to love ourselves and everyone equally is a beautiful way to expand true love in the world.
Gabriele, that is amazing. I wonder what is the difference between people being in a committed relationship and being good friends – why do we sometimes choose one and sometimes the other?
Wow what a great healing for both of you Gabriele and your willingness to be love is very inspiring.
Wow Gabrielle, this is lovely.
This is so beautiful Gabriele. I know that I often avoid talking about what I really feel, especially the buried hurts. The Universal Medicine Relationship Workshops allow the space and time to get real about what is really going on.
Gabriele it is so beautiful to feel the shift you and your ex-partner were able to make by supporting each other in such a loving and truthful way. To know that we can be with an ex-partner in this way is so healing and is evident in the choices you and your ex-husband have made. Now that is true love and evolution in relationship.
Great article about relationships. It is very inspiring to see people in relationship break up, heal the hurts and let go of need, to then have a loving relationship with their ex partner.
This is so true sallyscott2012, it is inspiring. It can be painful coming out of a relationship which was based on needs, but it could be that it was not a true relationship in the first place. Being single means to me that I can work to heal my hurts therefore letting go of any need and then imposing them on another, then I can deepen my love for myself and any relationship that comes along will be based on respect, honouring and love, on both sides.
Wow! How liberating to feel the true friendship and support with deep respect and care towards the another this way of living can bring. The is TRUE love! Awesome Pinky. 🙂
Joshua, It is truly liberating & beautiful to have true friendship again!
I’ve experienced this myself in a separation, and can absolutely vouch for this first hand. The big shift for me came when I began to support myself with deep respect and care, which naturally over-flowed into my (now separated) relationship. I’ve found that while it’s not necessarily perfect, and there are still sometimes things to work on, that having a relationship that is based on love, and not resentment and regret, is definitely very freeing and expansive for both parties.