I really admire how some couples can be such good friends after separating! WOW! It is RARE but so beautiful to see. I’ve asked myself “How is that possible, or is it even possible, to be really true friends and hold nothing against your ex-partner after you go your own separate ways?”
“If you break up, you can’t be friends” is the belief I have held until recently and have mostly seen lived out around me in the past. It was almost a ‘taboo’ to be friends after breaking up!
In recent times, and due to my association with Universal Medicine, I have seen an amazing way of being in a FEW couples who have broken up, and have been really amazed to see how wonderful they are with each other – just like good friends (and NO, this can’t be faked!). There is no bitterness between them and they are now truly good friends after separating. In fact, there’s mutual respect and an amazing sense of care for the other person. I have seen this very rarely in couples aside from those I’ve met while attending Universal Medicine events.
It’s like these people have let go of whatever was holding them together, but more so what they were holding against each other. It’s as though they now have a best friend for life – which somehow makes more sense to me, since they did know each other very deeply when they were together. These relationships now seem to be at a new, deeper level.
What’s more, they truly are joyful and OK with themselves, whether or not they are in a new relationship. It’s amazing to see that in someone, and see what unfolds inside me because of that. It’s the beauty in who they are, and how truly wonderful they feel, that’s so inspiring.
It seems to me that maybe for some, there is a time in a relationship where you don’t need to be together, and it doesn’t have to mean that you don’t care for or love one another. Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together. It may seem strange but this different way of being and thinking feels beautiful and right to me. I’m OK with it – it’s been something to deeply ponder on!
In difficult times in my own relationship I’ve wondered, and also at the same time wished, that if my partner and I were ever to go our own separate ways – would there be a way we could still have a loving relationship (a true, deep friendship) that holds no bounds to the traditional ways of ex-relationships? Is it possible we could truly be good friends after breaking up?
In the past I would have wondered how we could do this without hurting or holding things against one another. But now I have a deeper understanding of relationships and of what love in a relationship actually is. Now, the well-known phrase ‘live and let live’ has a whole new meaning for me, and my understanding of it just keeps unfolding deeper.
As I see it now, it’s beyond being together. When you love someone, you are also able to set them free if it’s true for you both to part. It’s not at the expense of your being in pain and getting hurt, but rather it appears liberating to let go of those things that make you hold on and live in a need of being attached. How beautiful it is to not be pushy or imposing on another.
To love someone to me now means that you are able to set them free of any boundaries or limitations or impositions of being with you, and let them live a life of freedom, freedom of their choice! To love and let your love live is what makes sense to me now.
I can now breathe the freedom of what I feel love truly is 🙂 . I’m no longer scared at that thought of being together or not because I can see the living proof that being good friends after separating is possible; that there is another way and that way is so beautiful and loving.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and the true beauty of the livingness and the way of life that Universal Medicine offers!
By Pinky Pancholi, Software Engineer, Brisbane, Australia
300 Comments
Responsibility plus commitment equals freedom… And this means also freedom to choose what is really going to serve everyone… Including yourself.
I also have deep admiration for couples who are able to maintain a loving relationship when apart. This seems to me to be about a deep love for oneself first so there is a deep respect for the other person from this love. If a parting happens even though there may be some hurt involved, each person is able to go back to the love that they have as their foundation.
Your blog raises the question about the impact of our own beliefs on how a relationship can be with someone once it’s over. Feels like the attitude to hold is one of ‘live and let live’, and that for it to work, it actually needs to be in place, authentically so, from the start of the relationship. That means we don’t come in bringing need, imposition or expectation, but walk alongside the other in parallel during the course of the relationship, not losing ourself in the coupledom effect.
Very beautiful Pinky; what I got from this blog is how important it is to never limit or impose on the others how to be with you.. As I know I have lived in this way, by the loving support of Universal Medicine, I am now getting out of this emptiness and live the love within myself, my own life – which is a freedom for everyone around me. And also, how important it is to truly treasure our relationships and treat them like we would do with a newborn baby. Time to put full loving attention to all our relationships and not let any relationship be less valued.
“Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together.”
This is so true Pinky, your blog is very beautiful and tender to read, thank you. There is so much to ponder on here and also to be inspired by.
Serge Benhayon and Universal medicine continually offer to humanity the opportunity to have relationships that are based on solid foundations of love and respect, engendering harmony and self –love….sounds wonderful!
‘Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together.’ Absolutely true Pinky…. a very personal experience for me has been being locked in an arrangement that has not been working for quite a few years, and all the shoulds and musts have been what was holding things together. In the brief time we have been apart, the growth in both of us has been incredible, and what is more, I don’t feel the animosity any more, but more of the love and care as we are no longer feel like we are in a pitched battle.
‘To love and let your love live is what makes sense to me now’ Beautiful Pinky. It makes sense to me too for all true love grows and comes alive when it is nourished, appreciated and held with integrity and grace.
Beautiful Pinky. All relationships start because you feel a connection with another and they have qualities that you appreciate, love and feel you can build the foundations of a healthy and loving relationship upon. But once we get to know people particularly for a long time you can start to focus on what you consider are the faults and flaws in their character that you would like them to change. Unfortunately the only person you can ever change is yourself. If you continue to let the negative feelings you are harbouring feed and surpass the qualities that you love about that person your relationship cannot but fail. This is sad for all but working through and understanding the breakdown in any relationship helps us understand our part in its demise and how in future relationships you can be more responsible, open and accepting of others. Besides, if we don’t let go of our issues from previous relationships you just carry those hurts to any subsequent relationship anyway so effectively you will still have the same issues that caused the demise of your previous relationships still haunting you. What if at the end of all our relationships we resolved and accepted our differences so just as you shared Pinky ’It’s like these people have let go of whatever was holding them together, but more so what they were holding against each other’ which can only lay the foundations for new beginnings of a relationship that values what you shared and learned together.
It’s always inspiring to see couples who have split up still able to converse and connect in a way that retains what I now know to be true love rather than the romantic kind. Letting go, dealing with hurts and any impositions or expectations are all key to be able to achieve this but so doing enables a true clean slate to be started, from where the existing friendship can continue.
What is more, it can be an inspiration for the couple who are splitting up, that they do not have to hold onto their hurts any longer, and by shedding these, can be open to love again in all its different aspects.
I remember a peer at work telling me some years ago how her ex husband and her relationship was much healthier now that they had divorced and each moved onto another relationship. Between the lines I was aware that this would have only come about because they had worked at it and committed to resolving their issues so they could let go of any hurts to actually move on. But what I loved most this conversation was her sharing of just how grateful she was her ex husband had married a lovely woman and so when her children went there on the weekends she knew that they were being loved and cared for as she would herself. It was a stand out conversation because you rarely hear this type of appreciation post break up between couples let alone a woman appreciating another woman so openly. I remember at the time it was quite the revelation but clearly it can be done.
Thank you Pinky for sharing your loving observations, it is so beautiful to see ex partners come together after healing their hurts, having a deeply loving relationship. This is what Universal Medicine offers , a depth of love that has no bounds.
I saw my ex partner this weekend for a lovely walk and what I realized is that there no such thing as a ‘break up’. In Dutch we say the relationship is ‘OFF’ (and when you are together it is “ON”). But what I am learning is that relationships are always ‘ON”, the form changes but you are always in a relationship.
I really liked this Mariette – the ‘ON’ switch remains ‘on’ but the nature of all our relationships is constantly changing.
Its true on every level… especially the longer the relationship has gone on, and you share kids, finances, a huge amount of personal knowledge about each other. In my experience the relationship continues and that is the way to heal the hurts and re-emerge from any hurts that have been accumulated.
We have so much to learn about love, and it won’t come from films or books or sings, but it will come from healing our own hurts, developing a connection with ourselves, and letting self-love flower, for without self-love there can be no love.
So true Chris, for without self-love we are always seeking outside of ourselves to be fulfilled by another which then leads us to having arrangements instead of loving and true relationships.
“Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together.” I love this statement Pinky as it says that love is not necessarily about being in the relationship with someone but allowing for someone to live true to themselves and others.
Pinky, such beautiful reflection of the possibilities of staying in relationship or choosing to part from a relationship. It feels like you have encompassed more about being in relationships by just questioning and observing how different a relationship can be either way. We can definitely draw from others experiences and examples to us. The answers to life are around us everywhere if we choose to open to those awarenesses.
When you break up it is easier to blame the other person than be honest, that is why it is rare that people do not carry resentment after a break up. There is no substitute for being honest and true to you. There are many examples of couples breaking up and taking responsibility for their part and thus their love within does not allow for any bitterness. Like you say Pinky, this is truly awesome to witness, and builds trust in humanity.
This is such a contrast to what we often see in our society – so many couples unhappily staying in their marriage/relationship. It makes me realise that love is not an emotional attachment to another individual. Love just is, no matter what shape or form it comes in.
Being in a relationship without the neediness is truly making it possible to part without resentment to one other, there is a beauty in that what you had together, but that doesn’t need a to be a romantic relationship to exist.
How liberating is it to not hold on to this old consciousness of “love – or not love”, but allowing love in different expressions.
To me it seems to be the willingness to become responsible for our own choices and every situation in life, one is in, beside a much deeper understanding of how the deals in a relationship work and further on heal the reasons why one prefers a deal over real love, that lead people associated with Universal Medicine, to stay in love and make true choices for themselves and with each other, also, when they separate from being a couple. I realized during my own process of becoming aware, that something like a separation (like I have lived it in my former life) isn’t even possible, let alone true. When the love is able to disappear – what has this “love” then been? I guess this is the reason why it is so normal to separate and having no true contact furthermore, because otherwise I have to realize, what I have lived and it it seems to be easier to have someone to accuse. I feel the truth, in what you share here, Pinky, for every relationship in life, no matter how long-lasting intimate or casually it is. How liberating and revolutionary for us people, couples, friends, family, humanity to commit to love.
This is great article as it shows that in every situation in life there can be another way if love is the intention. It is inspiring to see a couple break up but yet remain in a relationship, after all there is always a relationship but I found it is my commitment to how the relationship can be and to understand that my past hurts do not have to get in the way. Thank you Pinky for presenting another way.
Great article Pinky about relationships and separation. This shows there is a another way when separation occurs one of love and harmony. Through my experience this happens once all the hurts and issues have been dealt with on a personal level. After all both parties are responsible for their own healing and then the relationship can move forward.
This is such a beautiful sharing Pinky and one that brought my attention to the fact that outside of Universal Medicine I’ve not witnessed a separation of a couple that is stronger in Love living apart than together. Remaining in a true relationship. This would make life a lot different for the many children who are also involved in this process as often it is they who suffer at the consequence of two adults not having a relationship after a separation.
Well said Samantha. Love is love, it only loves. When we make love and truth the focus in relationship, separation becomes something of delicate beauty and deepening honour that leads to mutual evolution.
It is really gorgeous to see the depth and beauty of the relationships of those attending Universal Medicine, so it makes sense that in separation this love is not lost but honoured for what it transforms into. Love does not require a partnership to be only a commitment to being loving.
“To love someone to me now means that you are able to set them free of any boundaries or limitations or impositions of being with you” What an inspiring and beautiful sentence this is. I read your blog with a whole new appreciation today Pinky. I can feel that this truth applies to all relationships (not just romantic ones). It is so freeing to let go of needing friends and family to behave the way I want them to and simply accept the way other people feel knowing that the way I feel about myself is the foundation for all other relationships.
I agree Leonne. It is very freeing for yourself and others when there is no attachments to relationships. I have experienced this feeling of letting go and not needing people to satisfy my own neediness. This felt like my whole body opened up letting go of the strangle hold I had on relationships. Freedom at last for all.
What I have learnt through Universal Medicine is that often these sticky, needy or uncomfortable situations and the dynamics that can occur in relationships are based around each persons need of the other. When it doesn’t get met we just part ways in what I have found to be a very callous and cold way towards the other person. But all those needs of and from ourselves towards others, that need to be with them are not actually who we are. When I choose to feel myself under a relationship, be it with a person or situation or anything 99.9% of the time the issue is not with me or the other person or the situation but with something that is not even a part of who we are. How can we take an uncomfortable situation or relationship personal when we feel that ourselves and the other person are not that issue? Only by believing that we are the issue is there an issue.
Well said Leigh. To have the understanding that we aren’t our issues or hurts is huge in a relationship but that love is our true way.
This is a great blog about true relationships. I can relate to what you have shared in all relationships not just partners. Allowing them to be free to choose and setting them free of any boundaries or limitations brings about relationship opposed to arrangement.
Pinky this is very important for us to all be talking about. I found as I moved from relationship to relationship the same issues invariably turn up. It is very inspiring to see people deal with what has come up between them and not just walk away from each other.
Very true Kate our issues keep recurring until we take responsibility for them, often it is just s shift in attitude towards an issue that allows us to feel honestly and understand ourselves more. This is so beautifully liberating.
Well said Kate. I too have found many times when I thought I had moved on from a friendship or a workplace I was going to leave behind the issues of what I didn’t like about it or them but they always followed me. So effectively wherever you go to next you have the same issues from your past coming back to your present to haunt and tease you. This is because they are my patterns, my unresolved issues and hurts that is causing the disharmony in the first place and they don’t just leave me because I move and shuffle my environment or the people in my life. They are with me and I repeat all their associated lessons presented to me until I work through them and let them go. In truth it is actually these lessons that is the true beauty of life as we are constantly and repeatedly given the opportunity to deal with our issues and hurts as they come up in our day and to continue to hold onto them or let them. It is actually this process of working through and letting go that breaks these patterns and ultimately leaves more space to allow more love into our lives.
Letting go of what you hold against each other sounds like a good recipie for health in every relationship. There is so much strength in letting go of our hurts and allowing true, loving relationships to flourish. It would be so great if the normal thing was good friendships with expartners.
Awesome Blog Pinky.
The care and love and respect we have for someone should never disappear. They are always the same person we wanted to be with i the first place! This is really beautiful. Thank you!
”Learning to let go of someone, it seems can be as loving as being together.” Healing the pain when a relationship breaks down is such a loving thing to do for everyone concerned. When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend things were not good but over the years while I have attended Universal Medicine my relationship with my ex has changed enormously. It is very beautiful as we now are good friends and my husband has a good relationship with him too.
My expartner ( that even sounds strange) and I are such an example. We’ ve been 5 years together of the 11 we know each other and best friends ever after… For me it would have felt very strange, if we would not have any contact anymore- only because we split up, I don’t love her less?!… I never understood, how other couples could do that…
The way you describe us living with issues that we are constantly “holding against each other” connects with what I have experienced Pinky. It really is quite literal – being this way is physically tiring. It’s as if I am lugging round a heavy suitcase from the past wherever I am going. Your words at the end convey too how freeing letting go can be, like our body has permission again to freely breathe.
As a child I could never understand how we can let someone into our daily life on such an intimate level and then one day because you no longer live under the same roof loose respect and care for them. Now I understand for this to happen there could not have been true love or respect there in the first place. Rather it was an arrangement with someone who was adequately meeting your needs. When these needs changed or are not being met anymore there is nothing left you want from them, hence the bitterness of not getting what you want from them anymore.
If we just contemplated one aspect of the outcome of people attending Universal Medicine presentations, and that aspect being relationships, this alone would make Universal Medicine the ‘ must go to’ courses for humanity. People are usually such a mishmash of hurts, conditioning, concepts, ideals and beliefs, all around relationships and love, that to be able to have a clear and true relationship based on this quagmire of conceptual reality is virtually impossible. Universal Medicine cut through all this miasma of dysfunction, and offers everyone the possibility to deeply heal, reconnect with their true selves, and experience the joy of love and harmony of true relationships.
You raise some great observations about what differentiates those that can migrate with ease from relationship status to a great friendship and those that can’t. For me it’s about the true meaning of the word love and the true living of it. Because if at the end of a relationship we’re at all still needing those needs met that got us into it in the first place, then we’re in trouble. Love starts with self first, not from the moment a potential suitor bids for our hand.
‘When you love someone, you are also able to set them free if it’s true for you both to part.’ I know this to be so natural and the true way of living, if you cannot evolve together anymore with living together, this is the next step to do lovingly so.
Such a wonderful perspective that you offer Pinky – to live and be in a relationship without fear, regardless of how that relationship morphs – if it does morph at all. I agree it’s wonderful for everyone around these split couples, to see a harmonious relationship be the end product of all the time had together.
Well said Oliver, I agree it is very inspiring for us all to see the harmony and mutual respect people can redevelop in their post breakup relationships. I also love how it actually honours the time they had together.
What does the belief “If you break up, you can’t be friends” tell us about the popular conception of married relationship? At least that you stay until you cannot stand the other one. But what if the breakup is precisely a loving decision? As the blog makes clear, this is totally possible.