When I was young I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself. It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.
I remember how I used to listen to a song called ‘The Winner takes it All’ by Abba, after a break-up with a boy. Phil Collins and Lionel Richie would also do the trick in times like these, as long as the song would make me feel even more emotional than I already felt. Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.
Love equals doing and giving?
Love for me has always been a verb, a doing; and that’s what the women around me mainly reflected to me as a child. Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’… and going along with a conversation, even if I wanted to say something different. This showed itself in a constant pleasing, showing sympathy, making time for others and definitely not expressing my truth because this might rock a boat or two. Love for me was about not having arguments or conflicts and keeping the peace, even though a bomb may be lying under the carpet, ready to explode. Most of my life, I have been on a big quest for people to like me.
Love for me, in a relationship, came with quite a lot of expectations. I thought I needed the other person to complete me, as I believed something was missing inside me and I needed a partner to feel better about myself. For a while I was ‘an easy catch’; anything, so long as I wasn’t alone. I was very needy and quite a handful for my partners back then. I had a wild time where I mixed up love and having sex, thinking that the two would go hand in hand.
Love for me was feeling drained after a day at work because I was always helping out colleagues and trying to keep everything in harmony. I hardly ever said no and I was feeling responsible not only for my colleagues but in a way, for the whole of Holland. Love for me was saying yes if someone asked for help, literally dropping everything out of my hands and doing what I perceived was needed.
Love equals ‘being nice’, ‘being liked’?
In my expression I would never speak my truth because I felt it could be perceived as not nice and people might not like me anymore – and I was craving for people to like me. I had this idea that nobody would want to hear my truth, so why make them feel uncomfortable? I felt special and loved because people always liked me and with all the different jobs I have had, I always left with a warm goodbye and I loved the fact that I would be missed.
I have taken pride in the fact that I have rarely had conflicts or arguments in my life and I felt that this was very special. If a situation got ugly I would hold back, not expressing what I actually wanted to say and I would start pleasing and/or pandering. As a family we were always great at hiding issues under the carpet and ignoring what was truly going on: I have played a glorious part in this.
At some point I had this crazy idea that I would find love abroad; so I started travelling, looking around for something, but in fact I was running away from the things I didn’t want to address and deal with. I have tried and done many things, but in the end I was still missing something.
What about Self-Love first?
So then… could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…? Could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life…? Could it be that I AM love and I will always be, no matter what I do? I have to admit, it does feel quite new to me and at times, I can still feel insecure about it, as in – am I enough…? Shouldn’t I be doing something?
Over the last three years I have become aware that self-love has to do with me being all of me, no matter what. I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…
Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me. It’s a tough one for me, but I have also learned that I am in fact NOT responsible for the whole of Holland but only for myself, my choices, my life and how I live my life, in every single moment. Quite a bummer I can tell you, to realise that I don’t have to save anybody… Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.
Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…
I am deeply inspired by the work of Universal Medicine, all the students and all those amazing people around me who reflect to me that I am enough, that I am love.
By Mariette Reineke, Amsterdam, Holland
566 Comments
No wonder we can never find love outside of ourselves because that version of love generally is not it, hence why we are literally chasing our tails to find it out there. And the ironic thing is we are taking the very thing that is holding what we are seeking deep within as we are doing this. Mmmmm, are we really an intelligent society?
Ah Mariette – this blog is so beautiful. At times it can seem very real that you feel that people should behave a certain way or offer you care. But who put this in our contract in life? I checked the fine print and it is not there. What I did see is that we are asked one important thing – which as you so beautifully say – is for us to be caring, nurturing and cherishing each and every day. Whether we like it or not this is the ‘way of the world’ we live in.
Most people have this belief that another person will complete them and I lived with this same belief too.
But everything you have shared has absoluteness thank you for sharing.
This blog has highlighted that love can be more than what we have been led to believe. Love has been presented by many masks by parents, family, partners, films, music, cultural, religion and many more things. But as you so rightly presented ‘Love starts with me and how I self-love.’ There is so much importance to self love it is often misunderstood. Why would we search for love outside of ourselves when it is within us all and as already mentioned before it begins with responsibility.
Oh yes Shushila, how I agree with what you have said about what we have been led to believe and how wonderful it is to be able to remove those masks and know that love starts with me, that self love is the way and that it is not selfish to self love – another mask removed!
Searching for that something, that special spark, that you know is somewhere if only you knew where to look is exhausting. It is magic when you stop searching everywhere but reconnect to the true untarnished love of your own essence in your inner-heart and there is an unbounded love to share with all.
“Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.” We do have to ask, are such songs as you’ve referred to Mariette truly ‘love songs’? To me they speak nothing of the true nature of love which holds no ’emotional wallowing’ whatsoever. That a song aligned to in such a way can have the effect of amplifying if not adding further complication to an emotional state we are already in, is actually deeply harmful to our being.
A song founded in the true nature of love offers a point of reconnection to ourselves, thus potentially inspiring us to step out of the difficulty we may find ourselves in, if we so choose, and never, ever imposing another’s emotional state or issues upon us.
There is just so much for us to unpack around false notions of love, and the extent that the falsity has been allowed to permeate our societies…
I love what you’ve shared here Mariette, particularly in your nailing of the belief that says we are loving when we sacrifice ourselves for others / feel we need to save others: “I have also learned that I am in fact NOT responsible for the whole of Holland but only for myself, my choices, my life and how I live my life, in every single moment.”
The true power of our love is founded in the knowing and lived relationship of love within ourselves, isn’t it… From this, we never hold another as less or in need of saving – for we know that all are equally capable of the same.
This does not mean that support for others cannot occur, but the way in which it is offered – from the knowing of our innate equalness and the love within all, accessible to all – changes completely, and we no longer stand in the arrogance of thinking that we are more than another and that we are effectively ‘doing good’ by taking on another’s woes…
Universal Medicine opens us up to the awareness of what true love really is… And if this was all that was presented that would surely be enough… The thing is there is so much, so much more.
Saying ‘Yes’ to another to keep the peace when the body is saying ‘No’ is not love. True love is when I am being true to myself, listening and honouring what I feel is true and not allowing others to influence me in making decisions that are not based on love; this way of being I am finding is based on the love I have for self.
Reading this blog after the day I have had really brings things back to basics. Working in a restaurant I found myself today being pulled in what felt like 100 different directions and believing that I had to be everything in all those different tasks but all at the same time. It doesn’t work and the stress I experience in these moments is huge. Coming back to being responsible for myself first and foremost in any moment brings back a simplicity that is not so overwhelming or stress-full.
I am also someone proud of how I never had any arguments or would get frustrated etc. Yet I am finding now too that I got very used to backing of and not saying what I actually feel is true when I sense someone is going to get angry or frustrated with me. I got very tired and I am noticing that it is because I am nice and not letting myself be me and express what I feel is true. So keeping the peace is not something to be proud of per se as it makes my life flat and dull instead of full of the expression of love and truth – of me.
It is quite ironic we go looking for love out there somewhere when it is inside of us, and all around us waiting to reconnect to.
‘Love starts with me, and how I self-love’. How come this simple truth eludes the majority of humankind. All of the world’s pain and suffering could be erased if we were all taught to deeply love ourselves.
Yes, if we truly connected to the love within us, it would be impossible to harm ourselves or others.
What is love is always respectful of oneself, but equally open to all others.
Not holding back expressing truth is love—when love is what is expressed, we may hear someone come up with a reactive response or with no response, but what we feel is they have heard what was expressed. I would rather speak the truth and be told I am too much, than not expressing what needs to be clearly said. In holding myself when I do so, I am being held—literally so, when expressing truth with love. Love can only always deepen.
Great sharing- I too have entered relationships out of need and wanting to be ‘filled’ or made complete by another. This was a recipe for disaster as I dishonoured what I felt so the sake of having a relationship and then later regretted it.
I can very much relate to wanting to save others. This behaviour has been so ingrained in me that I would do anything to save another. Although less obvious this pattern does arise from time to time and often without me realising until later. I have an investment as I want and need to be recognised as I can feel hurt when I do not get the attention and recognition that I feel I rightly deserve. This way of being is the opposite to true love which many live and call it love. We have much to understand on the true meaning of love which I have found out begins with loving the self first.
I considered love as being the person who gave in and didn’t rock the boat. Prided myself also in the fact that I didn’t upset anyone with an alternate view unless I felt really passionate about a subject or I felt someone was being abused. I have changed dramatically over the past ten years since connecting to Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom presented by Serge Benhayon.
‘When I was young I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself.’ Not surprising you felt this way Mariette. Western society and a whole entertainment and media industry is geared to convince us all that this is how it is, Novels, films, music all focus on romantic love and finding that special one. Time to bust this myth once and for all. The song title ‘Love is all you need’ needs to be qualified. True love is universal, not emotional. It starts with ourselves, offered to all equally, not just one person, unit or like family.
Self Love is such a celebration in the body, I go to sleep with this feeling and I wake feeling the deep love I have for myself, which is so different to the empty, missing feeling I carried around for many years. Learning the concept of self love was the game changer and from there realising that love is not just for me but a reflection for everyone to feel they also can connect to the love and joy within.
” It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.” No one in all of my life had mentioned this aspect to me, until I came to Universal Medicine presentations by Serge Benhayon. On realising this it was a ‘duh’ moment. Of course! How can I expect anyone else to love me if I dont love myself?
A lovely blog exposing emotional love and all that goes with it, and then the difference with true love. Building a love for ourselves is fundamental and has so many benefits for all.
It is a revolution isn’t it,… that true love starts with self-love… this will redefine a few songs.
Reading this blog has reminded me of a conversation I was having with some friends about the words we can use when they ask whether someone is single or married. The common reply “She/He is on her own” is often down played as a feeling of emptiness or loneliness and waiting for someone to fill them up by being in a relationship. This blog is a timely reminder that the loving relationship that I have with myself is paramount in the quality I can offer to share with another in each and every moment of the day and that the loneliness that we talk about stems from our disconnection from within that is often projected on another.
I love this comment too Jane Kemp. The love story that has been searched for far and wide in literally right in front of us. The common element here is the willingness to take on the responsibility to stop the search and to get on with the most powerful relationship of all – with me!
Yes I did some very similar things Mariette, drowning myself in music when I felt ‘down’, almost revelling in sinking deeper into the misery I was feeling. Interesting that we don’t look for the things that will uplift us, out of it, but rather sink us further in!
Gosh! We are really thinking that we are searching but in fact we so often just run away and avoid what is already there.
Thank you Mariette, so self-love is saying ‘yes’ to how you feel and not saying ‘yes’ to what does not feel true.
“Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.”
Great point Mariette, they are called love songs but they are in truth songs intensifying the emptiness and lack of love that we feel in us.
It is beautiful that you can come to a place where you realise you no longer need to search for something that has been within you all along just waiting to be felt and expressed… and that there is nothing wrong with you and nothing missing when you connect to it.
when it comes down to it, most of us are searching for what we think love is, and because true love always starts in the inner heart, for most people, the search is a never ending treadmill. From presenting the simple process of reconnection, Universal Medicine is offering always the opportunity to open the doorway to love, and then to truly start to heal.
Mariette the concept that we are given love by another is spread far and wide in our society, it was one of the more challenging aspects that I was presented with when coming to Universal Medicine, the fact that love is something we are and we re-connect to by our movement, not something we get from our partner. Now I reflection on the simple fact that if I had known this from young the turmoil would not have been there, if we all were taught this society would be completely different.
Yes, Mariette, It shows us how we are used to life in a way that pretend that love is outside of us – whilst it is only within and so also in others. Love is love and , nothing else can give us that but ourselves.. as we one day had chosen to walk away from it. Beautiful fact is: we are love still even though we might have lost our sight of it. So it was by Serge Benhayon this sight was reviewed and people made the choice to come back to themselves, their love, their essence – who they are – a love that has no end.
‘ Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.’ I love this Mariette, learning to live in a truly loving way has been an absolute game changer in my life and supports and inspires others around you as well.
Being love sometimes means not being liked….That is one of the hardest things I’ve had to accept. I too have been someone who has always had people like them. I too have pandered, been polite, put everyone before me, been a pleaser, said yes when I felt no etc. It doesn’t work. It all catches up with you down the track, always.
It does catch up and does not bring any truth whatsoever. Every time I please, I am saying no to love.
‘Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.’ This is so spot on! How many years did I spend losing myself to emotional music. What a trap that is. None of it is true.
Exactly Elodie, I spent many years doing this too. Understanding what love is, and taking responsibility for our own feelings is something we do not get taught, or learn growing up (usually). Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have been presenting this for the last 15 years and I have not needed to listen to any such music since.
This idea of looking outside for love is something we are sold from early on. No-one ever told me love comes from within until I heard Serge Benhayon say this. I was always in this idea that it would come to me but I never believed it would so I lived guarded- I wasn’t connected to my own love and didn’t express this out I just pushed others away. I have now learnt to have love in your life, you need to know your own love and then be prepared to express this out.
‘Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.’ – beautifully said Mariette. And when I catch myself looking outside for love and approval I can lovingly bring myself back to the gorgeousness of my own holding Love.
It’s such a release when you realize that the love you seek is within you, and has been all along and that your own choice to make truly self loving choices for yourself is the key to then giving that love back to others, and that that is actually enough as it is everything.
Beautifully said Julie – it’s a game changer when we realise there is no game!, Looking outside for another to give us what we have been searching for is an illusion. To realise all those love songs play on the emotions – there is so much to release of ideals and beliefs and yet the answer is simple, self love is the way for real love.
To add to my comment, this is a blog to read again and again Mariette. Life and media can hook us in until we realise the illusion of emotional love. There is a whole new library of songs to be written as well as love stories!
A redefinition that truly breaks with the belief of what love is. ‘It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.’ This completely turns what we know love to be on its head. It’s no longer about finding someone to complete us or to stop us feeling the emptiness that drives us to look. Instead it’s about accepting ourselves fully, making ourselves the focus – very counter-intuitive – so that we can know and live the fact that we are already enough.
Our ability to self-love is the foundation to true love, I love what you have written about this simple, true and powerful Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine teaching. Love starts with me, pure and simple. Thank you Mariette for highlighting this and for the gentle reminder.
“Love starts with me” – It sure does and if we try any other way we are destined to fall flat on our faces. Without first a love for ourselves we are at the whim of anyone and everyone leaving us wide open to an illusion that will never let you know the love you seek is inside.
That love starts with self-love… this certainly doesn’t fit into the mould of all the romantic novels and songs does it! It simply brings it all back to ourselves… Where is the drama in that!
‘Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…’ Love this Mariette, it is such a clear statement of the fact that love begins with each of us loving who we are and living this love in full. Such a confirming blog to read.
Learning to love and appreciate ourselves is for sure the best education anyone can have.
I totally agree – it’s like it opens you up to what’s really possible in the world and in yourself too. You begin to realise you actually have unlimited potential.
Yes, there should be in fact lessons in life as part of education, where relationships is one of them. First the relationship with yourself, then with others. If we learn that from an early age, I feel we would have a lot less divorces, especially divorces where there is a lot of fighting going on.
‘It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love’ -this is profound and once I came to observe it everything about my life started to change in the most beautiful ways it confirmed this as truth. Self Love is the foundation to True Love. Self-love is what it is all about and cannot be separated from the ‘absolute’ love of all. Beautiful article Mariette – thank you for sharing.
Thank you Mariette for breaking down in simple langage what love is and what it is not. With the support of Universal Medicine I have learnt and am still learning that love doesn’t come from our outer actions but from a quality we feel in our bodies. Our actions and situations and ultimately how our bodies respond to them confirm wether what we do, say or think is love our not.
A key point indeed Ariana – I too had the same thought – I’d move to the UK and fall in love. I did – but it started with the relationship I had with myself first, and that does not need a change of country to do. The ability to value ourselves is a measure of how much we are willing to value others and see everyone as equal, and that is the most precious relationship of all – how are we with humanity. Love does not need to be searched for, it simply needs to be reconnected to.
It is as if we have to have a new dictionary to help us reclaim our vocabulary, because not many people would know what the word love truly means.
There are so many words that have been bastardised over time, the word love is just one of them, take the word religion for example, this has been used in so many ways other then the real meaning.
Love equals ‘being nice’, ‘being liked’? I too Mariette, thought this was what love was, even thought at those times when I look back, it did not sit well when in my body when I I chose this. So beautiful to allow a true understanding and knowing of what true love is now.
Self love is the key to love itself. Without it we continually try to unlock other people’s love locks by helping them through the issues and doing more and more, but are we truly helping them? I learnt that the true key to love in this world is to unlock the love we hold with ourselves first that is the foundation for loving all equally so.
Love starts with each and every one of us, first and foremost, self-loving. The quality of our love for another depends on the quality of love we have for ourselves; what a wonderful awareness Mariette. Thank you for shining a light on this vital fact.
“Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me”.
Very wise and inspirational words.
This is such a great article Mariette really summing up for me the way I have lived, thinking I was loving when all the time I was giving myself away, to be what others needed me to be. “It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.” I had the same and it took some time for me to even consider that I am enough, without the need to do anything. What we have longed for and searched throughout our lives has been living right inside of us, all the time, just waiting to be claimed and lived.
Your former understanding of love, Mariette, was very similar to mine-being nice, polite, not to rock a boat, peace maker, doer, pleaser etc. No wonder we felt empty and drained because of all the energy spent on doing good and pleasing others.
Thank you for sharing the changes and significance of self love which is crucial in relationship with self and others.
Yes, it makes you feel very drained and empty, also because you are never home. Home with yourself, in connection with your body. When you are always busy with the outside world and what others are thinking and doing, than there is hardly time spent with yourself.
‘Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself.’ How much heartache and how many issues in all of our relationships and in the world around us would be avoided if we all knew, accepted and lived the truth of your words Mariette. Beautiful blog thank you.
Yes self love is the answer to any of our ails.
You have summed it up perfectly Mariette, we are all love and its found inside of us and trying to find it elsewhere outside of ourselves always ends up a painfull exercise
This line about drowning our sorrows in songs that confirm that nobody loves us… is a real ‘ouch’ for me. How many times have I done that… only to then go back in to another relationship just to prove what I knew all along – that I was unlovable. So then I would get to play the songs again, in an endless cycle of confirming something that is not true. It was only when I stopped looking for someone to confirm how unlovable I am and started to explore the possibility that I am already the love I seek, that things have started to change.
Thank you Mariette for a great blog, I felt when reading it, I was reading about my own life story. I was so given up on self so as to be there for others, pandering, helping, always saying yes, and of course keeping my opinions to myself so as not to create upset. Thankfully I found Serge and what he teaches about self love, has changed my life, the love I was looking for, has lived within me all along, And today as I make loving choices for myself I can say no when need with a smile and with love.
This is a great blog to read Mariette – the awareness that self-love is the essential first ingredient for all love is major – it’s amazing how seemingly small unloving things i’ve noticed I do all the time, honouring what my body is teaching me about it’s grace and love is unfolding and deepening. Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine presentations have opened up the choice to move in a different way, a way home to love.
Although I immediately accepted the presentations and books by Serge Benhayon as being the truth I had been looking for many years, it took me a long time to live lesson 101……self love, but now that I have it has made all the difference.
I have found that loving and nurturing myself is the way to deepening the love I share with other people.
Yep that lesson took me a long time as well and it is a lesson that has no end as we deepen our self-love every day. And with that our love for everybody. It starts with ourselves though and the way we take care of ourselves. I am so thankful for Universal Medicine for presenting to me that the first step towards self-love is to start taking care of yourself. Heart opener!
How often have I heard..”I just want someone to love” or “I just want someone to love me.” We are the whole package, we are love, we are all love, no need for giving or taking but as you say Mariette we have been brought up to believe that love is a commodity, a thing we have or not depending on our fortune. We trade in love and money and what a mess we make. Thank goodness when we wake up and begin to take responsibility for the love that we are and in that magic cannot help but happen.
So true Elaine. We have been led to believe that love is something we earn but that the goal post can move at any time so that we can never feel at ease and confident that love won’t be taken away at any moment when we do happen to seemingly share moments with others. It leaves an underlying tension that can’t really be eased until we learn to drop all the old ideals and beliefs around love and come back to the basics with self love.
The responsibility you have taken Mariette by loving you first, actually showing the whole of Holland and in fact the world, that Love does start with each and everyone of us, is a gift beyond any kindness served.
Mariette thank you for sharing that the first love is the love you have for yourself. It is so easy to fall for the idea that we need to love others first. When I stop to appreciate all that I am to my family and friends I now know that this would not be possible unless I had made changes to bring more love to me.
‘Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me’.For me this asks a constant focus otherwise I will slip back and override my feelings, especially when I stop with appreciating myself just for being me, I have noticed old patterns want to come back in. I am learning to observe this without any judgement and just come back to self love and to the gorgeous me.
Thank you Mariette, even though I have read this before, the following lines really stood out for me today ‘I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…’ – this is what I needed to read today as there have been some situations I have been holding back from speaking my truth about, even though I know this is the way to go. This has shown me how easy it is to fall back into an old pattern of not speaking our truth, and it is at the detriment to everyone, ourselves included.
“Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.”- the more I appreciate who I am, and selfcare and self nurture the love within me grows.
This has been life changing for me.
Learning the true meaning of love that just is and is who we all really are is such a gift , is not a doing and something to attain and or be given but is definitely the divinity we all are.Knowing oneself from the inside in connection and relationship with ourselves first as our foundation is the greatest gift we can give ourselves ever. Thank you Marietta this is a joy to read.
For a while I used to think that to be loving was to sacrifice myself and take care of others and to sympathize with them in their misery. It’s very draining and exhausting to live in this way and there’s absolutely no truth in it and people don’t really like being on the receiving end because what you’re really saying to them is that you don’t feel they’re equipped to handle whatever it is they’re experiencing.
It is very draining and exhausting, I can relate to that. For me it was also a way to get a lot of recognition, coming from a need to be needed and wanting to be ‘a good friend’. And what do ‘good friends’ do? They help, support, rescue and are always there, no matter what. I can see now that this has nothing to do with love and like you say, I am actually saying I know better and you cannot handle this so let me, super woman, take care of it.
It is really strange isn’t it that it is common thinking that we have to find or seek love somewhere in order to be complete, when it is with us all the time waiting to be expressed. I can really relate to the flow of letting love in and letting love out as this makes sense. If we don’t feel love within us we cannot express it as simple as that!
As with so many words now, we need to redefine what Love means, and articles like this are essential to unravel the old and redefine the new, so that upcoming generations are inspired to settle for nothing less then the energetic truth of things rather then the fabrication of disconnection inherent in so much of our language that is around now
Like a secret or a big lie that has been hidden from us. We are love always have been, always will be and it is within, we just have to build the relationship with this love, once felt we will know the truth and expose the lie?
It is lovely to read of the awarenesses you have come to regarding love. So many of us spend our lives searching for it so struggle with accepting that no searching is required, just an allowing for it to unfold from within. It is beautiful that all that is truly required is a forever deepening commitment to having a loving relationship with yourself to connect you to everything you have ever been searching for without having to go anywhere.
I agree Samantha, it’s kind of simple- if we are feeling out of sorts we need to look at the lack love and appreciation we are giving ourselves, that way we snap ourselves out of it quicker, returning to the love we all naturally are.
What you are sharing – I can relate to it very well Mariette. I was also running away from myself – I always kept myself busy to avoid what is inside me. Now I start to feel whatever is in my body, it is a journey and an unfolding way back to me which feels awesome.
“Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. “- so true and absolute! Thank you for sharing the truth about love.
This to me has also been my biggest learning..”I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…”
Now I am putting it into practice more and more, and I feel more real.
I searched for love in songs, in people, in ideas and in doing things but always found that I was left with an emptiness and restlessness when I was with myself. It is so beautifully empowering when we realise that true love, the love we are within is always with us and can never be broken, never be lost or never leave us. It is only us that chooses to move away from this forever deepening love that we all are within.
Thank you Mariette for sharing this article clearly showing us what love is not. Love has been for me too “…not having arguments or conflicts and keeping the peace, even though a bomb may be lying under the carpet, ready to explode.” This way of living is a lie. Confrontation has been a big one and is something I am still working on but the more I honour myself and speak up when something is not true the easier it is getting. I can still react, I’m not perfect but when I say nothing and withdraw like I used to, I’m still reacting. This blog I can relate to in many ways and it is a blog I will keep re-visiting as it is so confirming what love is and what love is not.
“When I withdraw, I am still reacting”. I love what you share here, as we can think that not saying anything is not a reaction, but it is. And what I notice that with this withdrawal and holding back, that what we want to say stays in our body and gives tension to the body.
Love is not a verb, I remember a friend saying it was a verb in the sense of it was no good just saying I love you, rather you had to show you loved someone through your actions. But of course this is not a true path either, what you have presented here Mariette is that love is about letting your body lead the way, honouring, caring for yourself deeply so and that love for yourself and can be felt by everyone. I also love what you share about it not being to do with being nice, that love can be firm and you aren’t here to save a whole nation! Though I imagine that you living love for yourself impacts 1000’s of people every week, lucky Holland!
Lucky Holland indeed vanessamchardy and It’s great what you share about saying “I love you”. Because I notice that I sometimes say it while I can actually feel that I don’t really have to say it, because the love is there and I don’t have to say nor do anything. I have been reflecting on that, so these moments that I do say it but it does not really sit well with me, and I have discovered that it comes from an insecurity and a feeling of not being enough. So I then say it to actually please, but there is absolutely no need for that.
Putting self love first is the greatest love. I too have travelled overseas looking for love and realised it was literally at my door step. I just needed to knock on the door and let myself in.
Further to my previous comment about love not having any emotion in it. Love is a member of the Soul family together with Truth. So love and truth are two different expressions of the same energy. It is another one of the many bastardisations of the true meaning of Love when people mistake good or nice for love and as a consequence are not truthful. If it is not true it cannot be love and if something does not have love in it it can’t be true!
I love your comment Nicola and I absolutely agree… Truth is love, it is the same thing and you cannot have one without the other. I have lived a lie being nice and polite, the ‘good’ girl but as I deepen my connection with myself and find that truth is everything to me, being the ‘good girl’ feels so not me! There are many moments now where I simply cannot live being the ‘good’ girl especially when I feel something that is not true. It is a great marker for me because when I know something is true and act on it coming from a place of truth I know then I am being love.
The songs you mention should not be called Love Songs as they have nothing to do with Love – we need to invent another word to describe the emotional state that people wrongly call Love. Love does not have any emotion in it. Unimedpedia Love provides some great free audio and quotes on what is true love http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html
There are hardly any true love songs out there, all songs about ‘love’ are about needs, desperation, sadness, expectations, not being able to live without the other, being hurt, being left, being alone, not being able to live any longer or about waiting for that one love to stand in front of our door. No love in those lyrics, I can tell you that. So yes, love does not have any emotion nor reaction in it.
“Love for me has always been a verb, a doing; … ”
Thank you Mariette, for this line … it’s a great reminder of the true nature of love, that it is a ‘beholding light’, not something that one has to create or strive for or earn – I can drop the trying for it here and now.
Yes we can stop the trying and that feels awkward at times as for me this feeling comes up that I have to do something, it can be as small as calling a friend.
There’s so much I can relate to here, especially believing that a relationship defined me and that I was unlovable if I didn’t have a boyfriend – it just shows that searching outside of ourselves just leaves an empty feeling and a lot of disappointment – so not worth it.
I don’t have a partner at the moment and this feels like a great opportunity for me to let go of all the beliefs I carry around ‘the need to have a partner’. I for sure have these beliefs and I am now experiencing how great it is to be on my own. The moment I have thoughts that I need something from outside of myself or that with a partner life is better, more fun or whatever, I know that this is not true. All I want or think that I need is inside me and to live that, I am practicing every day. I have been living in a big illusion when it comes to relationships and love.
Your not alone in the big illusion when it comes to relationships and love. A huge investment has gone into keeping it that way as it sells so many products believing they symbolise love, like flowers, cards and presents of all kinds. When in truth Love is Love and can be felt and reflected to all freely and is not a commodity.
Wonderful blog Mariette. It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking love is about the ‘doing’, which becomes very draining and is unfulfilling. It always comes back to being self loving and honouring of our body first, eventhough those around us may find this difficult at times.
Mariette you have made such a big change in your perspective of how you choose to live. When you said that you are not responsible for all of Holland ,only yourself. This change allows you to live to your truth and not what is good or right or nice. Freeing you to connect to you and not the expectations of others.
i too thought that love was all of those things, needing to do things for another person, needing to ‘lift up the world’ but this was just so draining on me. It made sense for me when I heard Universal Medicine present that self love is the way to have true love and that it is a foundation to have to actually express love with others aswell.
Very draining indeed Harrison and quite intense for the shoulders, if we feel we have to lift up the world. We actually don’t have to lift anything or anybody, but just be the love that we are and reflect this back to the world. It will get an instant ‘lift up’ just by us being ourselves.
‘We don’t have to lift anything or anybody, but just be the love that we are and reflect this back to the world. It will get an instant ‘lift up’ just by us being ourselves’. I like what you are saying Mariette and I can feel the relief in my body when I realize all I have to do is be the love that I am.
Growing up I equated how much my dad loved me by how much he gave me and spent on me. He lived a very busy life and did not have much time, so he would give me money rather than time, so when at one stage he found himself a bit short of money and gave me less I felt like he loved me less. Now I can see how crazy this is as he has always loved me and it has nothing to do with what he does. The more I have grown to love and appreciate myself the more I can feel his love and appreciation of me.
Beautiful Toni, it shows that it does not matter what we do for another or what we give. Love is a being, a presence in the moment, it is what I am and it is what you are. With that we don’t need anything from the other. For me it is also about letting go of my father being ‘my father’ but to see him for the beautiful and loving man that he is.
The biggest change-over in my life: from wanting another to love me, to fill my empty feeling, to tell me I am worthy and beautiful to feeling I am love myself and I can share this with others. This morning we wrote for a website along these lines as well: the first and most important relationship we have is with ourselves. This is the foundation for any other relationship.
Marietta here we are in Australia trying to save Australia, thinking we are responsible for everyone else. You have so clearly spelled out all the ways we have been tricked into behaviours of what love is not. There is such a beautiful simplicity in just feeling the love that we are, there is nothing missing.
Australia or Holland, both too much to take on and feel responsible for. Just being responsible for yourself is more than enough, is my experience…
So warm hearted and beautiful your blog Mariette. And familiar, as I know the craving for people to like me very elaborated. I hardly realized having a truth, so quickly did I override it most of the times. In the past, I created the belief, being with people in a loving way, is not possible to me. I did different therapies, for I always thought I have to become someone else. I rarely stopped, to be able to feel, that what I was craving for, is in me and has to be allowed by myself, but not be reached like an examination with a reward from the outside. It is an ongoing process of now allowing me to feel my truth and not overriding it anymore.
Yes, it is an ongoing process of allowing ourselves to feel what is true for us. I also still override it, thinking that what I feel it not true or that somebody else is ‘better’ in feeling what is true. Not true at all…..I feel in every moment what is true for me, yet I don’t always listen to it.
Wauw Mariette, you just cracked the nut. Completely open and honest. The way you share is very supportive and cristal clear. You move mountains as you speak. I can feel that you break all sorts of ideals and believes in the world about love. Also big ideals and believes that I have been using in my life.. Wow. A big one for me also is ‘always wanting to be liked’ – I am starting to deeply feel what being liked actually means and how much ugliness this actually brings under the wings of niceness.. I actually am pretty shocked about it. All those times that I was pretending I was nice, ok with everything and liking everyone – I was actually playing small, save and endorse myself to be less, put people up and just be victim number one. NOT me at all. As I have become more knowing of who I am – I realise that I have played games and that ‘being nice’ was one of them. I liked this what you shared: ”I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…” It is true. Love is also being absolutely clear and fully direct. This allows me to be so much more of myself. Which can be very steady and direct, most of the time.
Great sharing Danna, especially about the playing small and then reflecting this back to others. It just shows how being nice and wanting to be liked does not support anybody. I am learning everyday about love in expression and realizing that being love and expressing this, deepens all my relationships.
I relate to so much of what you share Mariette. I was always searching to be loved by what I did but have found true love in me being love. Gently and tenderly building my self-love has allowed me to know the true meaning of love, to share this with others and to feel it reflected back. The more I am love the more love there is in the world.
You have beautifully expressed so many of the untrue beliefs we have about love. As I read I kept ticking them off, thinking, “yes I know that one too.” It is amazing that everything we learn from the world around us robs us of the knowing that love starts and ends with us, that there is no doing in it at all and no outcome needed. When we return to this knowing even if shakily at times, the way we are with ourselves, our relationships and life completely changes. The emotions can drop away and are replaced with steadiness and an ongoing exploration of the love we are.
I love what you share about the emotions. I used to be very emotional and this has changed completely. I am way more steady and consistent and with that there is a clear and true space to explore every day what love is and to let go of what is not. Great adventure!
Saying yes when all of our body feels saying no but overriding it because this is what everybody reflects as the normal is not very loving! Every decision about love has to be self-loving first.
Thank you Mariette. When humanity understands that love must start with self-love, then we will be well on the way to healing the gaping abyss of hurts that have propelled humanity into the wars and destruction that have obsessed it for millennia … All fueled by that simple lack of self-love. For when we know self-love we will by its very nature, start to reflect the divine presence of who we truly are.
Beautifully expressed Chris, thank you. Especially in times like these when there is so much war, terrorism and destruction going on. This can only happen when there is no self-love, because if there is, we can never attack another person in the way we do now. How can you attack the divine presence that is in you and therefor in all of us?
Beautifully expressed Chris
I love what Mariette has expressed and your response to it
Thank you to both of you
Thanks. After a lot of trying, I think I’m starting to realise that sympathy DOESNT work. I should just stick to being myself it’s way more joyfull.
My relationships have changed as well Ariana, because I am expecting less, letting go of needs and allow myself to just be me, so others can also just be who they are. Very freeing.
It is so beautiful to re-read this Mariette. There is nothing outside of ourselves that can give us, or even come close to giving us the eternal Love that we already are in within. I can relate to what you have shared as I too tried to use the world outside of myself to define me when all that I was ever searching for was already within, eternal Love waiting for me to re-connect. ‘From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…’ – beautifully claimed and I whole-heartedly feel the same.
‘Most of my life, I have been on a big quest for people to like me.’ Yep…and what a tiring quest it is! It’s interesting how we play music to further implement our emotional state of being.. Just goes to show how loaded with emotions music actually is.
Hi Mariette, Taking on responsibility for others really resonated with me as I have done this all my life until I developed frozen shoulders, a really painful stop moment asking me to look at how I was living. Developing self love and coming to the realisation I don’t have to save the world has taken me a bit of time since those old behaviours can be very ingrained but it is so worth it!
Hi Judy thank you for writing, as I didn’t realise I was living with the same ideal, but “I don’t have to save the world” – this was such a physically felt relief to read.
But also … how arrogant is it to believe we are here to save the world in the first place.
Thinking you have to save the world is quite an arrogance indeed, especially since nobody is asking us to do this anyway. It implies that we know better or that we have the key.