I had been a member of a few online dating sites for a few years, searching for Mr Right. I chatted to a number of men, but they weren’t Mr Right for me. I wanted a long-term relationship and was happy to be single if it wasn’t right.
I was single for a very long time.
Years ago I dated a lovely guy for a while: we’re still friends but overall I felt overwhelmed by the volume and type of responses on dating sites. It seems that many men say they are searching for love and intimacy but get that confused with ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am.’ I had settled for casual sex in the past, thinking it was better than nothing, but there lies the problem.
If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.
I hid my profile and only chatted to people I felt to. It solved my inbox problem and unless I went fishing, nothing happened. And nothing happened for years! I would get a few bites now and then, and sometimes the initial signs were good, only to find we weren’t compatible. You see, I don’t drink alcohol and I didn’t want to sleep with a stranger or send nude photos. While this was the game many a man wanted, I wasn’t going to change to fit in.
I felt like giving up on the whole online dating game and for a while I did. Long gone were the days where I would drink to not feel and to fit in, even though I hated the taste of alcohol and how it made me feel – and I was so over giving my body away just for a guy to like me. I have changed my ways and wasn’t going to settle like I did in the past.
On Dec 2016, I was scrolling through profiles wondering, “Why am I doing this again?,” but found a profile that caught my attention. I messaged this man and we started chatting.
I didn’t think he was Mr Right, but he seemed like a lovely person so I thought maybe a friend at least. We chatted for a few weeks and eventually met. After 3 dates, I was still not sure about him, and to be honest, was not sure he was interested in me because I was different: I am healthy, I go to bed early, I am a solo parent and I don’t go out partying. Surely this is too boring for a man. But it turns out, this was not a problem for my Mr Right.
A few things that I have learnt about relationships:
- First and foremost, if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are. Instead we can see how we can complement and inspire each other, and grow.
- I don’t have to rush anything – we don’t have to move in and live together for it to be a ‘good relationship.’ Although it is now a year later and the timing feels right.
- It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right, because the reality could well be better than the picture. When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised.
I have loved every moment of getting to know each other and as our relationship unfolds, I have opened up to the love we share. The more our relationship deepens, the more I see all my other relationships changing, family, friends and work colleagues and most of all, the relationship that I have with me.
And now I know from experience that internet dating does work! I found my Mr Right online and I absolutely adore him and our relationship.
Published with permission of my Mr Right
By Rosie Bason, Northern NSW
Further Reading:
Fairy-Tales – why a romantic relationship is so hard to find
Internet Dating – A Life Changing Experience
How to be safe dating online
587 Comments
It is great to be in online dating and not settling for less. We women have dropped our standards and are settling for company, someone to help with manual jobs, and generally fill the picture we have of what relationships should be. This picture limits us to much less than the love we all know in our hearts but perhaps have given up on finding.
I love that first point you make about us having a solid foundation of us loving ourselves first and foremost. If we don’t have this then we are seeking and become needy of others to fill what we don’t have for ourselves. Having the space to just be who we are with out any impositions and expectations is such a refreshing way of having a relationship. What is fascinating is the amount of pictures that come flooding in on how we think things need to be.
The wonder of what is on offer between two people can’t be underestimated when you are willing to be open to what is possible.
When we are very clear with what it is we are looking for and offering in a relationship, when it does come along it may not appear as how we thought, but as time goes on the gold that is being offer will be uncovered.
There are so many hooks to finding Mr Right and, as you share here, if we are not in a relationship with ourselves we can so easily be hooked by needing a relationship which fills us up so we don’t feel that lack of relationship with ourselves any more.
It is beautiful that when we love ourselves and feel confident with ourselves, we can wait for the right man to come and we are willing to wait a long time if that is needed. This is how we can change the world of dating and relationships.
‘if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are’ this is key in any relationship wether it is with our partner, family members, friends etc.
I had a bit of a chuckle of the title Mr Right, as it is so true that we must be right and true in our relationship with ourselves and allow the same for others.
Setting standards is something we need to do for ourselves before we can actually hold this and express this. If it is not lived in our lives we will always find ourselves accepting less as there is no foundation of a living way.
I love your love story Rosie, many people lose themselves when searching for and meeting a partner, but as you have proved here, the only way to go is to stay collected to yourself and not compromise that solidness.
A woman who knows and lives her worth is deeply inspiring to men (and women) for this reflection is needed for everyone to live our worth deeper.
If we set the standard we want in a relationship and stick to this eventually we will meet a man who wants to honor this standard as you have Rosie… very inspiring.
A life of black and white, rights and wrongs, keeps us imprionsed in an internment camp of judgement and control. Acceptance, allowance and awareness lets us stay open and connected to the all.
When we are dating someone and not shying away of showing US, who we truly are- the best chances are, that you know very quickly if there is a potential in that constellation or not.
Open, honest communication is so important in any relationship. To not compromise our standards re how we expect to be treated as woman just to be liked/loved or get approval.
There is a great simplicity to this article which shows how simply you have approached this situation, and this is lovely because so often relationships are taken on with huge dramas and complications. But you have chosen a different way, a way that is honouring of you and all that you have built up in your life, which is what is supporting you to have such a beautiful relationship with yourself and your wonderful Mr Right.
Yes Shami, the simplicity really comes through doesn’t it and shows by lived example that we can feel so connected to each other without the anxiety, the worry about if you like each other or like like each other!!!
A very cute sharing of how we don’t need to get caught in the momentum of online dating. It seems people use online dating from a pictures only perspective – what does someone look like and can the fill my ideals of what I am looking for? But this sharing shows how we can approach dating in a very different way – without the ideals attached to it
Following your impulse, instead of searching for hours for a “fit”, is the key. The first one is heavenly the second one comes from a need. Every moment in life can be possibly be a place to meet someone that is divinely constellated. Question only is are you open to receive it or are you laced by ideals or pictures or needs.
Rosie, this feels really important; ‘If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’ Reading this I can feel if we do not feel that we deserve to be treated with care and respect and if we lower our standards, then our relationships are not all that they have the potential to be. This is not loving for us or for our partners and children and we reflect to the world that true love and respect, honesty and integrity are not important and even not possible.
It doesn’t pay to hold back nor does it work if we project on to the other what we think they want or think. These two things got in the way of the last potential relationship that was offered to me.
Yes this is poison. If we try to please while compromising ourselves it simply doesn’t work. Staying true to ourselves is the most important thing.
What I get from your blog Rosie is the importance of a) expressing ourselves, and b) going out into the world and forming relationships. It doesn’t have to be a partner relationship, but there are so many magic connections we can make if we put ourselves out there and simply talk with people.
Many people on internet dating sites are looking for the reflection of someone who would not compromise their integrity and are committed to true love.