My partner and I decided to have a look at our friendship within our relationship. We wanted to look at why we react when something comes up for the other person. In that process we came across a short interview with Annette Baker and Gabrielle Caplice called: How do you have communication without reaction?
In that short 90 second video with Annette and Gabrielle, although the words spoken are very powerful, it is the energy between them, the way they look at each other, and the interest Gabrielle had in what Annette was saying that was far beyond the words.
The unwavering capture of Gabrielle wanting to hear every word that was said by Annette, nodding in such agreement and delight, got us wondering – do we have that delight and appreciation for each other in our relationship?
Are we that interested in each other, or do our conversations revolve around what is in it for us, what our hurts are, what point we are trying to make and making sure we make it?
The initial conversation between my partner and I was hard to face and it almost felt like a breakup talk – like how can you not be interested in your partner?
We knew though that this wasn’t the answer so we set ourselves on a program for 9 days to find out – to be interested in each other, to stop trying to make the other person be a certain way, and to actually hear what the other person is saying and care about what it is they are feeling.
Those 9 days were at times confronting when we realised that a lot of the time we were indeed just in it for ourselves, trying to make the other person see our way, or totally fobbing off what they had just said in favour of the way we saw it.
We started to open up more and more, being very interested in each other, supporting each other in whatever was being shared and not bringing our own stuff into it. We are now noticing each other more and offering support in different ways than we usually did. This has brought us so much closer.
I have noticed it is also having a domino effect on other relationships in my life. I can’t help but bring a greater interest to everybody I meet in my day now, and it is changing how others are towards me.
People who would frequently just tell me what to do are now including me in decisions and acknowledging me. All because I became more interested in them and they could feel that – I’m not just there thinking about myself. This has allowed the space for us to connect.
I am totally inspired by Gabrielle and Annette and the love and friendship they have and share with us all. I know my partner and I have this too, and I have been shown that we can actually have this with everyone, just by stepping back a bit and not going at life with an agenda.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Natalie Misztal, Reception/Administration, Cleaner, Gardener, Melbourne, Australia
Learning to express our feelings – part 2
Relationship Success Credited to Universal Medicine
Living harmoniously with your partner 24/7
“I have noticed it is also having a domino effect on other relationships in my life.” Learning to truly listen to another you become aware of all they are truly saying.
Finding harmony in a relationship opens up a whole new world and also deepens the appreciation we have for everyone.
Society at the moment deeply lacks appreciation, whether it is for our husband, wife, doctor, road worker, we are often complacent and not understanding of the amazing things each of us bring.
I love this, this is so true, there is so much in the way we speak to someone – if the tone used is loving, open and interested we bring out the best in another.
I think every couple, and even friendships should do this put ourselves on a programme ‘to stop trying to make the other person be a certain way, and to actually hear what the other person is saying and care about what it is they are feeling.’ I am sure as you have shared although at times it may be confronting and revealing – it also has the opportunity if we allow it to be deeply healing in many ways.
Vicky you are so so so spot one here, what a fabulous way to go!
Life without expectations is a life filled with magic.
When we ignore what is in front of us we miss our on so much, the universe is literary communicating to us all of the time from another, are we wise enough to listen?
Our expression and thus the vibration (everything is vibration) we express in is so much and when we are prepared to listen and feel the vibration of another it comes with such joy and a ready-ness for us to expand our awareness and deepen our love, which then goes out to other relationships, work and family, now that is Magic, thank you Natalie.
“Life gets more Interesting when you are Interested” This i another one of life great lessons that really should be taught in school.
I create so much tension with my partner when I don’t engage fully with him, it drives him crazy, and I know when he does it to me I can feel mad!
Stoping and truly taking the time is the foundation for true love, in the stop we get to feel the truth of one and other and the divinity we are actually from.
This is a great question; ‘Are we that interested in each other, or do our conversations revolve around what is in it for us, what our hurts are, what point we are trying to make and making sure we make it?’ I have realised lately that I have not been truly interested and open to what is being shared with me and so I have changed this now and allow my body to be open and without judgement and it feels lovely to be interested and to truly want to hear what another is sharing.
Quite often people are talking to us and we are thinking about ourselves or something totally unrelated to what is being discussed and it makes sense that this can be felt by others on a more subtle level. So, actually being attentive brings in such a deeper level of connection, so it stands to reason that our relationships will change.
Or even as they are talking to us we are thinking of the next thing we want to say rather than just fully listening to what they are saying.
So true. It is those things, even subconsciously, we think we can get away with. For example … If it looks likes I am listening and I nod my head at the ‘right’ times I can get away with thinking about other things when that person is talking to me! ? How many of us do this or have done this at least one time in their life! In all our relationships we need to be so honest in how we are in every moment, even just to ourselves, to enable them to deepen (that is including the relationship with ourselves).
‘Do we have that delight and appreciation for each other in our relationships?’ Such a great question and one to apply to all our relationships, equally. Do we see others and judge them for all that they could be living but are choosing not to, or just see it all, see beyond the layers and accept and appreciate them and all that they are, in all their magnificence?
‘The unwavering capture of Gabrielle wanting to hear every word that was said by Annette, nodding in such agreement and delight…’ Yikes! what is it that I ignore another, assuming I know it all and what they will say. Such arrogance and ignorance being this way that also cements isolation and disconnection like nothing else, getting me craving connection through watching TV or numbing out with food because I miss the magic I’m shutting out.
It’s true that often people get caught up in telling and retelling their story – growing up I switched off when people repeated the same story, spoke or shouted at me. It’s like we’ve lost the art of listening so we just talk at each other in the hope of being heard or hearing ourselves. I wonder how the magic will be felt when I stop, just be and really listen.
During the day I have to do a lot of phone meetings for my work, I find that when I am present and interested the meetings flow and there is a connection between me and my client that goes beyond the mundane.
Before we can be truly interested in another, we first must have a foundation in self love, for without this we will always be looking for another to fill a need.
This is very true, and a great place to start, building a foundation of love for ourselves.
How important is it to trust and give decency and respect to everyone when they are able to share with you and when you are open and loving this gives them the space to also re-connect to Love.
As my relationship with my partner has deepened, so has our levels of intimacy, naturally which are now to the point where whenever there is a lack of interest in each other it is alarm bells for something going on moments before we have not called out or realised and let go of.
I’ve been giving online dating a try and it has been bringing up my lack of interest for people. But that’s not because I am truly disinterested in people but I feel it’s coming from a judgement that “I don’t see the point”. Interacting from a judgement rather than how I feel to be with another person.
Many years ago on occasions, I have been known to fall asleep when my husband was talking to me and although we have joked about it it just goes to show how we can switch off from people and get disinterested in what they choose to talk about (in my defence he was talking about wiring some electrics at work). Now we do try to make the effort to actually listen to each other.
The domino effect of how we are with one person can flow into how we relate to everyone else.
Its lovely to take these moments in a relationship and be curious about each other again. When we do this it helps us drop the pictures and ideals we might have of the other.
Thank you Natalie for an inspiring read. Recently I have had the opportunity to observe a variety of home-care staff visiting a partially incapacitated elderly lady on a daily basis – the different outcomes of these interactions is very noticeable. Those who arrive without any agenda and are open, honest and interactive with their client, leaves the client feeling engaged as if she matters and still has something to offer in life from this warm inclusion. When a care staff member comes in loaded with the energy of rushing about and dragging their personal problems with them, there is no real interaction – the client retreats and literally shrinks into contraction. Within a few minutes of their departure, the lady feels totally exhausted and diminished rather than uplifted for their visit.
If we really paused to feel how we are with another really has a huge effect, causing ripples that never stop, perhaps we would reconsider putting circumstance as bigger than who we are.
You have to be head over heels in love with yourself before you can truly be head over heels in love and adoration of another. Otherwise the relationship is based on the need of filling a lack within.
Asking ourselves the question and being really honest in our response, how much do we really listen to each other and/or how much are we just waiting for the next gap to have our say? The mad thing is that although I have done very little true listening, when I do there is such a joy and pleasure in it. All the time I thought it was about having to get my word in, when actually the richness of hearing others is very beautiful.
This is truly beautiful. Thank you.
“In that short 90 second video with Annette and Gabrielle, although the words spoken are very powerful, it is the energy between them, the way they look at each other, and the interest Gabrielle had in what Annette was saying that was far beyond the words.” A powerful testimony to the fact that true wisdom can only be shared and communicated from a body that is living it itself.
Its so easy to check out – we have so much entertainment around us, we are constantly bombarded with stuff that really does us no good yet we continue to stay attached. Its like we avoid truly connecting and seeing the universe in another’s eyes.
One of the best ways to do this is to pay attention to how quickly you want to jump in and talk rather than listen to what the other person is sharing…
It is so simple isn’t it? Listen to each other, care and hear. Yet we need to bring a focus to it ourselves because I suspect we have forgotten this art of listening and now find it is much easier to hear what we want to hear and moan about others not hearing us!
The domino effect can be a great thing or our greatest downfall in family or with friends, colleagues etc., especially when we start to accept a lower standard of relationship, conversation or respect and hence the entire quality of a household or business can drop.
Gabe and Anette are indeed very inspiring, love to see and hear the films and audios they have created: they are one of the couples that show me that a relationship based on true love is very well possible.
Thank you for sharing the power of dropping our agenda in all relationships which I know for me is part of the layers of protection that I have built up to not be hurt by the world but is actually contributing to my feelings of disconnection and thus hurt.
My fear always was that when I didn’t put my things into the conversation the other person wouldn’t be interested in me, but only in his or her own topics and issues. And indeed a lot of people make it about themselves, but so was I with my need to be asked questions.
Being interested is a version of appreciation. And appreciation comes with intimacy, when you let people in, you see how beautiful they are, you appreciate and you are automatically interested. How can you not be?
A beautiful example of when we stop making it all about ourselves, our needs and our agendas and start to acknowledge and honour others and what is going on in their lives, life has a way of opening up in the most surprising ways. And from those ways, without us even trying, the ripples of change begin to flow steadily on out into the world.
I recognize what you share that things simply come your way and change around you without you trying anything just being interested in the other, which can only be true if we are enough interested in ourselves without putting this as a need on another.
Quite simply when we are truly interested in another we can see way beyond the mundane we see their light, we see their uniqueness and their angles of heaven.
Recently I realised how for years and years I brought my own frustration about something that has happened in my day
into our relationship, dumping it on my partner because I was caught up in it. And how this has been going on from time to time without taking responsibility for how I allowed this energy to disrupt the flow of love between us. It felt great to expose this pattern and to feel, in this case my responsibility to deal with my hurt and yes I can ask for a reflection but starting from honouring the love that we share and build.
Thank you, Annelies for writing this as I can relate to what you have written. It is our responsibility to not let these things get in between our relationships as you have rightly stated.
Very honest sharing Doug and for a lot of us this is work in progress and very needed when we want to make our relationship about evolving together, to open up to each other and live in the responsibility of not bringing something in what is not love. An amazing work in forever progress.
Annette and Gabe are beautiful, even in pictures you can see how they live together, how they adore each other is their everyday.
“We started to open up more and more, being very interested in each other, supporting each other in whatever was being shared and not bringing our own stuff into it” – yes, being interested in someone is about listening to a person with our entire body, feeling all of them in the exchange. We are truly interested through and with our body, not via our self-interestedness that happens when we’ve turned down the dial on listening and hearing our own selves. When we do listen and become interested in ourselves through our own body, being interested in another is a natural sense and move.
This article is great because it brings out the fact that it is possible to cherish another person, to completely adore them.
This is a good one to look at, do I have an agenda and if so why? what is unresolved in me that brings me to this?
I love what you have shared, I too have noticed how Gabe and Annette relate, it is so beautiful to see and feel the loving interest they both have in each other, the times I feel most loved is when my husband is genuinely interested and loving with what I am sharing.
Being interested is also wanting to feel your own emptiness, because that is what could come up really being interested without feeling it by getting your bit in.
Being interested in each other and being able to truly listen to another is very important in every relationship we have and like you said if you go deeper with respect, interest and love in one relationship it has its effect on other relationships you have. And yes I love watching Annette and Gabrielle they are role models for all of us.
Seeing my partner continue to say yes to stepping up and being more in the world is a joy to see – and this naturally keeps the purpose we have very strong. Without our constant willingness to say yes, we can fall into a very stagnant arrangement where we are 2 people who are comfortable.
To observe and work with Anette Baker and Gabrielle Caplice is indeed deeply inspiring. They show the world that is very well possible to make a relationship about love alone and not get into any argument or fights.
‘Are we that interested in each other, or do our conversations revolve around what is in it for us…’ I love this question and can bring this into every conversation I can have in life with people and how it deeply enriches my appreciation for others. I do feel at times the little me inside wanting to be heard over others. I am learning how to not repress what’s going on internally but also, to not let this little me run riot.
Yes, I agree Monica. When we are open and accepting of ourselves it is more natural to be this way with others.
It is important to connect to the person we are talking to and to really listen to what they have to say without judgement, comparison or zoning out. I caught myself not fully listening to someone when they were speaking to me the other day and I realised how awful this was and as we could both feel the disconnection.
Being interested goes hand in hand in hand with intimacy and appreciating the other. And the first step is letting people in: if we let people in, really let them it is impossible not see their beauty and appreciate that.
Natalie, this feels really important to look at; ‘My partner and I decided to have a look at our friendship within our relationship.’ Reading this I can feel that often in our relationships that we can take the other person for granted and rather than treat each other lovingly like we would a friend, we can be critical, judgmental and sometimes even abusive to our partners.
I know it happens but theres a belief that a partner is more loved than a friend, but without friendship the relationship can be abusive. That in itself doesn’t make sense but at the same time friendships can be abusive if we don’t love each other.
Building relationships and respectfully holding and honouring ourselves brings a quality that we naturally start to offer another. Although it may seem challenging at times, the markers are always there to return to.
This is a huge subject – appreciation for eachother in our relationships. And I am always amazed at how this can disappear when it is not given the time and the space to be there and expressed between myself and another person. Which shows to me constantly how no one is to be taken for granted and how there is always room for deeper and more appreciation.
The title of this blog says it all. The more we are interested in truly understanding what plays out in all aspects of the life the more we can observe and take note that life is all about lessons and the choices to expand and learn or continue to question the patterns we resort to time and time again.
A great one to look at: when we talk to another, are we expressing what they need to hear, or what we need to say? What’s the purpose of our conversation: to elevate and expand, or to keep everyone as they are, confirmed in all of our old patterns and behaviours? We have a choice to reimprint and discard, or perpetuate and cement, with every word we speak and every move that we make.
If we make every conversation an opportunity for greater connection, understanding and love then all our relationships will expand and grow. I noticed this today when I was with people and could feel how wonderful it was to come out of an age old pattern of shutting people out. Instead I listened with great interest – a getting to know someone more with each interaction. It’s great to see my pattern of keeping people out, a protection I no longer need, and actually never needed, growing up. For years I felt excluded when it’s been me excluding myself from the world all along. Wonderful to see this and bring down the barriers.
What a confronting and revealing 9 days that must have been, but I can see from what you have shared it was so well worth the commitment. The deepening of your relationship would have been so very welcome and the fact that now this is rippling out to all your other relationships is so very inspiring.
To be really actively interested in another takes confidence – a presence with oneself that says I know myself and therefore I really want to know you. When we are unsure of ourselves its not so easy to be interested.
That is interesting Samantha, I haven’t thought of that. It makes sense and this is something for me to be aware of, when I am present or not when communicating with someone.