For most of my life I have been an emotional wreck, tossed around on a roller-coaster of highs and lows – one moment in the height of ecstasy, the next deep in the dark dungeon of despair – and it was within one of these lows that I found myself in April 2014. Benson, my ex’s dog whom I saw daily, often staying with me, suddenly collapsed and died.
The Passing of Benson and Realising the Mortality of Henry
I sobbed all the way home from the vets and the next week I had to take days off work; I couldn’t hold back my tears. I started getting angry with myself. I had throbbing headaches, my sinuses were screaming at me and my contact lenses were so cloudy with tears I couldn’t see properly.
I looked at my dog Henry and the realisation dawned that I could not possibly continue like this. If I were THIS badly affected over Benson’s death, how on earth would I cope with Henry’s?
At this point I turned to Universal Medicine practitioners for support and guidance because I was frightened by my coping mechanisms. I realised that these had been left unchecked and had become enormously destructive.
I had read the majority of books by Serge Benhayon and welcomed his frankness about life: there is a hard-hitting truth in all that he writes, and it really does make sense! It was refreshing to read something that was not pandering to my emotional state of mind – instead I was receiving the reality of truth – and it felt right.
Henry was my loyal and willing companion, the only being at the time whom I felt to have shown me unconditional love. It’s true to say that in him I had invested my love, my hopes and dreams, and so later that April I felt my future shattered when Henry’s mortality was suddenly realised!
We went to the vet because of a limp, the vet surmising that Henry had cancer in his shoulder that was impeding his movement: I was offered the choice of amputation or euthanasia. Stricken with fear I immediately reacted with amputation – I could not lose him!
And so we were dispatched to a larger practice with an MRI scanner for an accurate diagnosis by an orthopedic surgeon the following morning. She commented later that Henry’s eyes never left me, admiring the bond between us. I had never noticed, just taken us for granted!
That evening Henry’s own vet gently advised that given Henry’s age, his previous surgery and general arthritic condition, Henry’s movement on three legs would be very restricted. There was no doubt that he would survive the operation; in all other manners Henry was incredibly fit and healthy, but now we were looking at life quality.
The flat-coated retriever is known for its exuberance for life, its mischief, and for its love of everyone. Indeed, sharing your life with one is generally accepted as a 24/7 intense relationship!
Assistance is always forthcoming whether searching through cupboards, tying shoelaces or gardening. Gone would be Henry’s reversing skills as he cleverly extricated himself from tight situations; launching onto the sofa, sending cushions flying, charging up and down the stairs, leaping onto my bed and making a nest in my duvet and diving into his basket to retrieve one of his teddy bears.
Letting Go of Attachment and Need
That night I sobbed, and between sobs I realised that I was in a victim vortex that was spinning out of control. I desperately tried to regain some level of composure, to breathe gently, but initially my emotions fought back. As my body began to relax as I surrendered to its shudders I heard the words, palliative care, palliative care. I never listened; they were meaningless words, and cold comfort back then.
Now I understand and I appreciate and recognise the solace that was being offered to me that long and difficult night as the orthopaedic surgeon’s words of palliative care and a regime of pain therapy rang little bells of celebration in my head when I returned to discuss Henry’s diagnosis.
As I settled into a life of administering Henry’s drug therapy, I saw and continued to see and work with esoteric practitioners about my own state of being. In the beginning it was a wrench leaving him for a day as I travelled down to Oxford to see my practitioner, because I wanted to share every day with him. Every moment with Henry was so precious to me at the time, like a clinging child not wanting to leave its mother.
Through the sessions with my practitioner I realised that there was no me in our relationship; that I had delegated my life to Henry and so over time and by my own observations I began to understand my need to have Henry bolstering my life because of my own emptiness.
I had invested so much in this that I was emotionally attached, dependent on Henry utterly. And so, with my esoteric practitioner’s support I was able to work on letting go of this attachment, this need, and to focus on re-building me.
I realised that my own emptiness came from depending on another to provide me with the love I was otherwise not giving to myself. With this, I began to notice that the more loving choices I made for myself and the more I focussed on my relationship with myself, the more Henry relaxed into his relationship with me and our new life.
Learning to change my life in this way was not always easy, however the commitment was all mine – and learning that the way in which I did things would make a huge difference to the outcome was a massive responsibility.
There was no quick-fix and it was sometimes challenging, but I began seeing some rewards, often just tiny ones, and with the support of Serge Benhayon and my esoteric practitioner I was able to enjoy the remainder of my life together with Henry.
Learning to be Utterly Truthful with Myself
I started not looking around for Henry when I realised that he had been silent for what I felt was too long. I would trust that he was sleeping peacefully.
I began to see my car as mine rather than Henry’s. I started returning home to me rather than to Henry, and I started to make evening plans so that Henry became more my companion rather than my constant and only companion.
I began to realise that there would be a life post-Henry for me.
To begin with it was very hard as I realised how much I needed him to protect me from those things that I didn’t want to do. Staying in with Henry gave me excuses to not venture out as a single person into a seemingly brand new and rather frightening world!
My hardest challenge though, was to learn to be utterly truthful with myself.
In the past I would con myself that things weren’t that bad! Now, I had to be very alert and acknowledge when Henry showed any sign of pain rather than pretend he was okay, because I was still frightened of losing him.
On the surface it seemed so easy to just register that he was in pain and liaise with the vets, but fear would often strike me and my insides would start to writhe with my own anxiety.
And so it was my sense of duty that ruled, forcing me to make the call: but as our routine became easier and as I worked on continuing to make more loving choices for myself, I relaxed, feeling freer to make the call out of love, rather than fear of loss.
And for those remaining months we shared a deeper quality of life.
Henry climbed up the stairs and manoeuvred his forelegs onto my bed so that I could gather his back legs and lift him up and then he would rearrange his blanket where he slept. We had the same arrangement with the car and sofa, but he always managed to climb the stairs on his own.
I admired his resilience and determination, and watching Henry over those last few months I realised that the bond that the surgeon had originally witnessed was one borne of a true love and not the emotional one that had kept us enslaved.
Looking back, Henry had always trusted me. He seemed to know when I was making him feel more comfortable, or even making him better.
A Truer Connection – Love Born of Mutual Trust
That dreadful day when I realised that Henry was in so much pain with his shoulder that he could not climb down the stairs, he waited until I returned with his harness. He worked with me, so together we managed to climb down. From then on he would always wait for me to walk down with him, sometimes wanting me to slip my fingers through his collar first.
We both knew that we could do these things together, and without realising at the time that we now shared a love born of mutual trust. We had set each other free from our emotional entanglement.
Looking back over our last few months when I watched Henry sleeping, when I told him I loved him as I stroked his chest, or even when his excitement grew as his suppertime neared, I felt that lovely warm, comforting glow from my inner heart and not that rush of wringing emotion lower down.
We shared a truer connection; and while we had for many years trusted and loved each other, I feel that we had begun to give each other more space. Importantly, we allowed each other to be our own being, respecting our choices.
We had both matured in our love and found an innate security and comfort within. Our neediness had faded – we had realised that our lives were our own journeys and not intertwined.
We shared a relaxing few weeks together that December: I read, corresponded with Serge Benhayon and my friends or listened to my audios from the Esoteric Medicine series with Henry either lying on the sofa beside me, or sprawled out on his sheepskin rug in front of our open fire. I began to feel a slightly better level of being as the days passed, but then one day I realised that Henry wasn’t quite himself.
His painkillers had increased until his cheeky smile and general zest for life faded: his heart, the biggest most generous and courageous heart I have ever known, grew too tired of life.
A few days later Henry passed over on 6 January 2015, having developed what was suspected to have been another tumor.
A few nights before I lovingly said goodbye to my best friend, after we had enjoyed a wonderfully, peaceful day together during which I held my loving connection to my being and was relaxing in bed, I realised how peacefully Henry was lying across my body, totally relaxed and at one with me; sharing our joy, love, trust and truth. I felt that he too was connected to his own inner-self and I smiled, knowing that he was preparing his body for death; a body that had given its all, but which was now ready to surrender.
With the continued love and support from the many beauty-full people whom I have met over the last few years through Universal Medicine and the unbelievable joy at my first workshops when I rediscovered for the first time in a very long while the true beauty-full me, I know that deep within is all the love in the world – just waiting for me!
By Maggie, Chorley, England
Further Reading:
True Relationships – Being Love First, not Demanding it from Others
Love and Relationship Audio
National dog day – August 26 2105
454 Comments
” the unbelievable joy at my first workshops when I rediscovered for the first time in a very long while the true beauty-full me, I know that deep within is all the love in the world – just waiting for me!” Magic.
The gift of life should be cherished until our last breath and when anything distracts us from our essences / Souls (“deep within”) then “know that deep within is all the love in the world – just waiting for me!” so we can evolve and respond to life without its distractions.
Animals have a great way of reflecting back to us where we are at and what our energy is really saying. Humans are far more sneaky in showing their feelings.
Hi Maggie, I came looking for your blog again today as one of my pets suddenly died yesterday, it was unexpected and new situation for me. It’s highlighted how much emotional reaction I have still because of my attachments, and that there is more love to be lived in my own life allowing my animal companions more space to make their own choices and to be partners in evolution, but not there solely for me. I can feel from my recent experience that there is more for me to heal and let go of to make way for love. Thank you again.
Hi Melinda, thank you for your appreciation. ❤️
This is the reason why I have chosen to not have another dog yet, because a small part of me would want it to be my companion again. Any new puppy needs to be allowed to grow into a dog and behave like a dog.
I saw this play out recently with our pet ram who we rescued from the butcher’s knife when he was just 10 months or so of age.
Due to circumstances beyond our control he ended up living on his own in our field pending us finding an alternative solution for him. Because I “bucket trained” him at the gate (fed him additional lamb nuts), he became very tame and affectionate, which of course I was more than happy to return.
As he trotted along the fence (in his field) following me as I walked or drove down our driveway; looking out for my return; or even trying to catch my eye if I was in the garden somewhere, I realised that he was metaphorically speaking, turning into a dog.
On realising this, we had him castrated and bought him two ewes to give him his own little flock and to keep him company!
The transformation is remarkable.
All 3 are affectionate and enjoy cuddles and attention, but they’re also sheep who just get on with what sheep do best!
There are no lingering looks in my direction; if they don’t catch my eye, it’s heads-down and on with feeding!
I am getting there and so will you Melinda ❤️
Thank you Maggie, I came looking for your blog today to support me as I have a critically ill pet. I knew I felt emotional which I understand completely, but also that there was a possibility of making steps deeper into love within this all and letting go of attachments. Everything you have shared has been like a warm hug and provided very loving support for me as I make my way through the accepting and letting go process today.
Dearest Melinda, the title of my blog was never altered, other than honouring Henry’s memory by adding his name,, but at the time I didn’t quite appreciate the depth and quality of friendship we shared.
I have grown to appreciate the depth of unconditional love a dog can show us; and in that Henry was my most loving, constantly supportive teacher and in many ways, parent; and I often find myself remembering him when I need a gentle reminder on being more supportive in difficult situations and how I can be unconditional love.
After 45 years Henry found me again.
We first met when I was a toddler and he was a chained-up guard dog. My mum was talking to his owner and I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. The two adults were struck by fear when they saw us together, but we were enjoying our friendship and sharing our love. We were safe and secure.
This is beautiful; ‘I know that deep within is all the love in the world – just waiting for me!’
Reading this I can feel that being attached and not leading our own lives and not putting ourselves first is not supportive for us or those we are in relationship with. I have found that my son has enjoyed being able to make his own decisions and me letting go of being so attached and making life all about him. It feels like there is more freedom, space and joy for both of us without the attachment.
Maggie, this is really beautiful and inspiring to read; ‘We had both matured in our love and found an innate security and comfort within. Our neediness had faded – we had realised that our lives were our own journeys and not intertwined.’
“in him I had invested my love, my hopes and dreams” when we have an investment we have an attachment to an outcome or a dividend but when we share the love of who we are we offer each other the space to deepen our love for ourselves and others.
This was a very touching story Maggie, and to be honest I never thought someone could develop a true love for themselves and others via their relationship with a dog, but you have shown here that it is certainly something to appreciate. I love how when you let go of that neediness with Henry and started living in greater love for yourself, honouring who you are, that your relationship with him became one of mutual support to grow together.
Relationships that are free of that emotional twisting and churning up inside us and that neediness are very beautiful.
It’s so beautiful how our relationships can deepen and grow when we let go of any neediness, when we become responsible for our emotions and when begin to love and cherish ourselves.
It is so simple when we do not hold onto another’s life as we have conducted our self in such a way that we are feeling complete with every thing that is needed to be said so when whom or what ever has passed-over we can feel that the completion we have had means that we can move on. The same can be said for us completing every day with the understanding that everything that needed to be expressed was so. And then when winding down at the end of the day we feel complete and can completely surrender to a great night of rest-full sleep.
Reading your comment this evening Greg is a very timely reminder. Thank you x
You so powerfully expose the destructive nature of emotional enmeshment that leaves no space for true love. I can’t read your journey without crying but it is also inspiring to feel how your relationship reached a deeper level as you committed to loving yourself and released Henry from that responsibility.
I remember our last weeks together. I was listening to the Living Sutras of the Hierarchy most of the time and enjoying sharing each other’s company… I felt to walk over to him as he was sitting upright looking at me, knelt in front of him and placed my palm on his brisket (breast bone) and told him gently that he also had an inner heart and soul just like me and as I looked up his eyes were so very intense, but gentle. There was a knowing, an understanding. As we held each other’s gaze I realised we shared a very deep connection. It was a beautiful sharing between the two of us.
Loved reading your story again Maggie, especially your last line, ” when I rediscovered for the first time in a very long while the true beauty-full me, I know that deep within is all the love in the world – just waiting for me! ” such a beautiful and powerful rediscovery.
We can have very needy relationships with our pets, needing something to love and be loved by that is safe and won’t hurt us. But I can see how this stunts our dogs and asks them to take on a role that is not theirs to take.
Absolutely Fiona; I saw how much more relaxed Henry became when I stopped my fussing and looking around for him. Basically learning to ignore him and allowing him the space, or freedom, to live his own life. It was a gift which I was able to offer Henry; and the change I saw in him was remarkable.
Beautiful to re read your blog today how you made the choice to step out of the entanglement of emotional love and need and re discovered true love and an amazing healing for you and your dog in the last months of his life.
I love your ending line – that everything you could ever need in the world is already within you, just waiting for you – what an amazing opportunity we have everyday to discover these riches.
We can learn a lot from our dogs when they are seriously ill, the level of surrender they go into is inspirational for us all to experience and I very much appreciate and cherish this in the last hours we have today with our dog, the amazing service she has done is complete and she goes on and so are we. I read your blog with such a smile on my face Maggie, our dogs can be our friends and teachers at the same time.
Absolutely Annelies, they are beautiful souls, just like us; and if we so chose, they really do help and guide us.
When we let go of the neediness true love can blossom.
Yes it can Mary; though it was with the love and support of Shirley-Ann and Judy that I was eventually able to loosen my neediness. I witnessed the freeing of both of us and it was the sweetest, best experience of my life. Of course, just because I had reached one level of needlessness didn’t mean that from then it was plain sailing; every tiny win, every facet of me that I claim back for me is a deepening; an unpeeling of tougher protection to reveal greater hurts.
There is nothing like reading a story about love. It reminds me of moments of love I have shared. It’s revealing to note when the love becomes a picture and now a self-created investment fed by need and not the moment. If you’ve left the moment of not confirming your love that you are it can quickly become a picture. It’s also worth noting Maggie the difference in feeling your writing when you were writing about love and the emotional need.
It has been a while since I last read this blog yet it holds a timelessness in its quality of sharing a true love story. From emotional love to true love, beautifully written Maggie as you unfold your understanding of what love is and what it is not! Thank you and thank you Henry.
Our relationship with self is so important, to love and care for ourself, rather than seek love, recognition etcetera, from the outside, ‘I realised that my own emptiness came from depending on another to provide me with the love I was otherwise not giving to myself.’
It was interesting to read this as I didn’t realise how much people can have a relationship with animals, as you describe, to avoid relating with others. I had never had much of an understanding of this so it gave me an insight into why people become so focused on their pets.
How beautiful it is when we allow the space to be just as we are and then share that love with others, even our furry companions. Simply gold thank you Maggie.
This is a great example of how we can use our pets to fill the emptiness inside of us and how distraught we can be when they pass over.
Our animals can often reflect to us that which are not yet open to feeling within our connections to ourselves and each other