My Sister and I: My Distant Relationship with my Sister
From the beginning of our lives it has felt as though my sister and I were destined to have a distant relationship. Sharing experiences with friends of their relationships with their siblings, I began to wonder whether there was a possibility that my relationship with my sister may ever change. In the past I have always felt that our relationship was something that was fixed and beyond change.
I was quite aware when growing up that although we were sisters, my sister and I were not obviously alike – not ‘two peas in a pod’. There was an age difference of nine years – my sister was born before World War 2 and I was born afterwards. She looked like my mother with chestnut brown hair and I looked like my father with ash blond hair.
My Sister and I – Growing Up
The recognition that outwardly we were different felt very important in a family where ‘what you looked like’ was more important than how you felt. On reflection I can see how there was not any talk of love or of how we would relate to the world outside of the family. The family felt like a closed unit with no room for change or expansion: everything was to be kept inside the family and guarded from outsiders and intrusion.
These differences were further emphasised when I was told by my mother that if we were not related my sister and I would not have a friendship. At that time I accepted this as a fact of life, although there was a sadness about my distant relationship with my sister as I was gradually becoming aware of how some friends related to their siblings – it felt as though they had a warmth of expression and a camaraderie between them. When others spoke of their siblings there was a closeness that seemed to elude my sister and I.
Blaming my Sister for our not so close Relationship
About eighteen months ago my sister and I attended the funeral of our uncle. Up until this point I had always been blaming my sister for this lack of a true close relationship between us: I suddenly (or so it seemed) found out that this was not the case. We were sitting around a table eating lunch with relatives and my sister was having a lovely conversation with a cousin. I interrupted their conversation and used manipulation to turn it around to a subject that was solely shared by me and my cousin, in order to exclude my sister. While I was sitting there it was as though I was an onlooker and could see what I was doing for what it truly was. I realised that I was part of the reason that I did not have a wonderful, warm and close relationship with my sister.
I saw that my manipulation was fuelled by jealousy. . . a feeling that had been there throughout our lives. As a young child I had felt the close relationship between my mother and sister, which although part of me wanted to enjoin, there was a part of me that felt uncomfortable, as this closeness seemed to exclude my father. It was all very confusing; it felt uncomfortable and disturbing, but at the time I was unwilling to see what was happening. I chose to not look at it and pretended it was not happening to me – I became lost in my own little world.
Exploring Our Relationship with the help of a Universal Medicine Practitioner
A process of unfoldment began after our uncle’s funeral when I was having a conversation with a Universal Medicine practitioner, Sara Williams. I explained that I would like to look at the relationship with my sister and to start the process of building a more loving connection with her. It was suggested that I could choose to make changes, and that would be helpful in how I related to the world in general, and there was a possibility that this might bring about changes in how my sister and I related. With the help of Sara I was able to feel the fact that this interaction with my sister at the funeral was indicative of how I was relating to people generally and was not specific to my relationship with my sister.
Following this realisation, I made more opportunities to have contact with my sister but our relationship continued on a similar footing as before, based on duty and a desire to not lose touch. Meanwhile I started to go deeper within myself and developed a more loving quality that I was now choosing to bring to myself.
Last Christmas I decided to make her a patchwork cushion. While I was making the cushion it felt beautiful as I placed the pieces together and considered the colours and what felt right for her. I was aware of how lovingly this process evolved – I wrapped it up and handed it over. It felt as though I was handing over a part of me as I knew that it was full of warmth, love and tenderness. When my sister thanked me for the cushion after Christmas I could feel her warmth and enthusiasm, and that she had felt the love. It somehow had started a process of healing our relationship that is still evolving.
Building a New Relationship with my Sister
My sister has recently been seriously ill, resulting in an admission into the Accident and Emergency department at our local hospital. This feels like another one of those times to take a look more deeply at our relationship and to see how this reflects on our ideals and beliefs. Up until this point I have seen her as a ‘sister’: someone who came as part of the package when I joined my family, and a fixed point that could not be changed. I have never considered her outside of this role, or that she was another woman finding her way through life – that before being sisters we were both women. Her illness has felt like an opportunity to see my sister as I have never seen her before.
I visited my lovely sister at the hospital recently – it feels like sometimes life makes us stop and re-evaluate what it is all about. I stood and brushed her hair tenderly and lovingly and it was so beautiful to do something so simple and yet it felt like a deep connection to who we really were: two sisters who had not made the time to deeply connect and express their deep love for one another. It felt like I touched that place where our souls met.
It feels so amazing to have started to build this beautiful relationship with my sister now – she is 77 and I am 68 – and I feel truly blessed to have been given this opportunity to spend time with her. In the past, keeping in contact has always felt like a matter of duty, whereas now I look forward to our next visit and I can see and feel that she is also finding a new depth and warmth in our relationship.
My Sister and I (Oct 2014)
We are starting to speak with honesty about how we feel now and how we have felt in the past. The other day my sister was able to tell me that she had been so jealous of me in the past and this felt so amazing that she was able to say this to me in a way that held no fear of judgement – just a beautiful moment of one-ness. Reaching this point in our relationship has opened up so many opportunities in my life – I am now able to take responsibility for my part and allow others their dignity.
I know that this openness and love that my sister and I are finding would not be possible without having found the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
By Susan Lee, Suffolk, England
698 Comments
It is very clear to see the warmth that you knew was possible to have with your sister, that it did not have to be distant, that it could be close. And this has seen you through to today, where you have made tremendous changes which are very beautiful and inspiring, making way for anyone else who would rather warmth and closeness with the people in their family.
Yes, I agree Elizabeth – there is no end point – simply a continuous unfolding which allows a deepening both of ourselves and the other person.
It feels to me that as we change we have a responsibility to re-examine all our relationships so that we can deepen them.
So absolutely gorgeous Susan that you was able to rebuild that relationship with your sister, when two hearts truly meet the whole world receives a healing.
And that is only the beginning – the healing is forever evolving while we are willing to take responsibility and understand our part in the greater all that is our Universe.
We can find it so easy to justify shutting people out and going into right and wrong, however, when we make it about love and registering our thoughts and movements based on love- it opens up a different register- a different way of being where there is no right or wrong.
This is a great example of how our pictures can get in the way of us having a truly loving relationship. A relationship doesn’t stand a chance if we get in the way and let our pictures rule us – think about how much we are prepared to miss out on. It’s just not worth it.
Yes, Julie, pictures have ruled our lives for far too long – and they take us away from our true essence and the truth of who we are within corrupting our innate connection. As we build a relationship of integrity and love with ourselves we have a foundational resource to deepen and unfold, and ultimately take out into the world to share with the rest of humanity.
As we learn to re-imprint our old behaviours with self care and love, we allow space for a deepening of honesty which opens the door on accepting responsibility. As we open our eyes to see the truth of what is truly taking place we are then in a position to honour our relationships with due care and tenderness.
Susan I love your honesty here, it just shows we can spend our lives under the illusion of blame but not until we look at our own part do we truly heal and see the opportunity that is often in our closest relationships.
Reading your gorgeous blog Susan I get the sense that if we have a relationship which is less than harmonious, even with just one other person it is important to observe what is being reflected to us and if necessary own and heal our part to allow space for healing. It is very beautiful how you and your sister are closer now, which is reflected in the photographs you have shared.
That is so true Elizabeth – and I am realising the way each relationship that we have offers opportunities to reveal the way we are able to bring a greater sense of ourselves to the world. Yesterday I was confronted by someone and when I searched for my original intention behind a seemingly ‘kind’ offer I began to see that there was a sense of guilt deeply hidden away. A forever learning Student of The Way of the Livingness.
This is a really healing blog it seems to me that we can heal any relationship if we are willing to look at our investments and what we are holding onto that stagnates any relationship which puts the brakes on it going deeper.
Why is it that we invest so much in the past when our innate path is to live the future now? I know there are times when I can still feel the propensity to want to stay in the misery of comfort that has been a familiar choice for aeons, and yet when I let go of the investment life becomes truly amazing and expansive and I feel at one with all of humanity.
There is no doubt of the insidious nature of jealousy, how it endeavours to own us and our lives so that our appreciation of who we are and inspiration to explore, heal and grow that is offered through our relationships are dismissed and overlooked. And you have shared how far more enriching, empowering, liberating and loving our relationships are when we bring truth, honesty and our willingness to be open to each other.
Jealous is indeed insidious and poisonous and can wreak havoc in our body if we give it free reign. Maybe the reason that we are prone to hide our feelings of jealousy is that once we face them, our feelings of disunity and extreme discomfort, it is an ongoing relationship of gradually letting go and refining and redefining our relationship with ourselves so that one day no trace of jealousy lingers, without us being willing to address it.
The Universal Medicine Therapies offer an understanding of life that removes what at times are ridiculous separations between people who deeply love one another. The wisdom and support of these therapies is an enormous benefit.
Realising that the mis-understandings are nothing more than a huge trick opens up the space for us to heal and evolve . The therapies open a gateway for us to let go and deepen our love and connection with everyone.
A responsible sharing Susan – thank you. Universal Medicine’s support over the years you could say has re-parented me in showing me how to self-care, self-love and most importantly appreciate who I am. Without appreciation I had no foundation of love in my body. When there is no love you look for recognition, and then you compare, and thus become jealous. I have found appreciation is key in developing loving relationships.
It feels like a very beautiful start once we become aware of jealousy and the part it plays in how we relate to others – not the usual way that we tend to feel about jealousy. My experience has been that there is always another level of unfoldment that can take place – a deeper understanding of how jealousy plays out in any of our relationships from time to time.
What a gorgeous story and to think that all along you were both holding onto jealousy towards each other – how many sisters will admit to that.
What I love about this is that it shows that things can change, that no matter what has been there in the past, we can always change this and therefore, each meeting with a person is an opportunity for a fresh start.
There are always opportunities – moments where we can feel an opening – those aha moments that allow us to go deeper and truly express from our inner heart.
Whenever there is a rift in a relationship it’s vital to remember that responsibility for making the relationship work goes both ways. It’s never just from the other person. A great reminder for me today. Thank you Susan.
As we learn to embrace and accept ourselves and our responsibilities we are opening up to the possibility that we are all the same – so it’s amazing how we have created all these ways to separate and feel alone and then manage to blame others for our own part in any disharmony.
A beautiful example of the fact that it is never too late to heal a relationship. I see so many people stuck in the past, holding on to old hurts and in the process not allowing themselves the joy of what could possibly be possible, a joy which I can see you are now able to celebrate with your sister.
It is a real blessing when we are ready to feel relationships are a never ending opportunity for change – offered by the impulses that we receive within when we are connected to a continuum that is taking us out of the past and into the future. In this way relationships are no different to everything that surrounds us – always expanding and deepening.
Beautiful to feel how the lovingly made cushion has contributed to the evolution of your relationship and how genuine love and care shine through whatever we are doing.
Yes, Helen – gestures do not need to be grand as when they come from the heart the simplicity and love can be felt and appreciated.
When we label other people first & foremost as sisters, brothers, in-laws, etc. it can easily close the door on truly relating to and meeting them for who they are and what they bring.
Yes, and it also can bring expectations that can be felt as a burden on the relationship, whereas if we felt into the true purpose of these relationships it would be a support, offering us the opportunity to re-imprint any previous difficulties we may have experienced in previous lives.
‘Meanwhile I started to go deeper within myself and developed a more loving quality that I was now choosing to bring to myself.’ Susan this is something to deeply appreciate, your willingness to go deeper within yourself opened you up to have a more loving relationship with, in this case, your sister. So by allowing to feel the quality of love that is in you and in us all, your sister could connect to this loving place in herself.
By simply letting go of pride and arrogance we allow a space for greater harmony and love. It feels very healing when we pop the bubble of pride and allow ourselves to become more at one with our own inner essence and with every other person we meet.
Others are such a great mirror for us in seeing how we have been with ourselves, and showing us where we need to bring more love to ourselves. I find that if I go into the doing and make the doing more important than focussing on my movements and moving in a way that confirms me with each step, I’ve rushed myself and taken myself away from this loveliness. Then I find this is reflected in my interactions with others which is a great stop point.
Realising and reflecting on the offerings of others allows us greater insight into our inner self and I find I often require these promptings as a stop moment to re-assess the picture. It feels so abusive to casually blame others for our own unloving behaviours without feeling able to allow the space to heal and begin anew. It feels awesome when I realise that with God there is always a new beginning if we so choose – who could resist such love.
Thanks Susan for your blog. What has struck me is how the reflection we have with members of our family is and can be a reflection back to us of how we are with ourselves. If I stay on the surface or out of duty, because this is family, that in turn is reflected back to me of how I am with myself in everyday life and relationship. Our so called hurts are powerful things, that can rule one’s whole life, yet seeing through them all is the way forward to a deeper relationship with ourselves firstly and then all others be it family, friends and the whole of humanity.
Susan it’s very touching to read your story again, thank you. It’s reminded me of the blocks in my own relationships, the confusion that can be there, the walls that come up with hurts, and the skewed ways we can view how things are without seeing our own part in the situation. An enormous thankyou for such a heartfelt sharing.
It’s amazing to feel that once we begin to remove the first block we realise that nothing has to remain fixed – it feels so very empowering to begin to understand how we personally have responsibility in relationships and how they evolve. At times I can still feel the discomfort of allowing myself to re-act or make judgements, particularly when I am tired, Accepting that I am imperfect I no longer have the same need to be hard on myself – just allow myself time and space and become willing to make amends along the way and not allow another ‘block’ to form.
When you allow another in full and bring all of you to them, you naturally feel this love with others at that moment because of the oneness that is felt. It is only the pictures, ideals or beliefs that we have placed on any relationships that stop us from having that same full on love with everyone all of the time.
There are definitely times when certain relationships can feel very exclusive and it is interesting to see what comes thereafter, such as jealousy or discomfort. And I love the way that all of this can be undone simply by addressing how we are with everyone, by opening up our hearts to let every one in, all of that which was before can just melt away.
I love the simplicity of what you say Shami – and we can allow the web of lies and deceit that we weave around relationships to have a stranglehold to the point where we see change as an impossibility. All that we need to do is open ‘up our hearts to let every one in’ and then ‘all of that which was before can just melt away’.
It just goes to show it is never too late to heal a relationship with another, with the greatest blessing being you can now begin to live the potential of that relationship.
Living the ‘potential of that relationship’ or any relationship will allow us to connect to the pulse of the Universe and how everything in life is forever expanding when we allow the space for that support. It feels like we have squeezed out the potential for so long that we have lost sight of it. How amazing and beautiful it will be when we are living that potential in each moment of our lives.
A beautiful story of healing a relationship. It feels like your mothers choices as so often happens were at the root of the separation you felt. And how sad that you experienced 68 years of lovelessness when all it needed at any time was one of you to be loving and the other couldn’t help but respond.
I agree Doug – and I am very aware that there is no time like the present to take action as there has already been too much delay. At the same time I am also very appreciative that I have begun to make these choices whatever my age and to begin to break the cycle that has dominated my lives for far too long – certainly a moment of celebration and confirmation.
All our relationships are one relationship and any one relationship deepens, all relationships deepen. And if there is any relationship that is calling to deepen, it is wise to do so.
Thank you Adele – what you express here so succinctly offers an opportunity for us all to expand and deepen each one of our relationships equally and with the same quality of intimacy.
Yes… all our relationships offer us constant opportunities to deepen our expression of love in them. If we’re holding back in one relationship, then we stunt the growth of all our other relationships. Expressing love and what we really feel in our relationships isn’t something that we can switch on and off: it is a lived practice, something we get to work on all of the time if we choose to. Being honest and expressing in one relationship makes it easier to do it in others.
Yes, Bryony – and I am finding that although my sister has now passed over I can still continue to re-imprint this relationship knowing that the whole world is my family.There is never an end simply a cyclical and evolving relationship that we have with the Universe on our path of return.