About two months ago I was invited to have some regular contact with an elderly woman who has been diagnosed with dementia and now lives in a home for elderly people with this condition.
So I went to meet her and got to know the dementia nursing home and the staff that worked there. What I observed is that many of the residents were missing a sparkle in their eyes, or appeared vague with this blank stare. Most of the residents can‘t walk anymore and they just sit all day, with very little activity. It was eye-opening for me to see people spending the last few years of their lives this way. Seeing many of these elderly residents just existing in this haze, it made me consider – there was something more.
My Own Ways of Checking Out
Seeing all these people living with dementia was confronting to me because it made me become more aware of the way I used to live – and still partly live – my own life. I started to ponder more deeply on my own ways of checking out, of going off into my head, letting my mind go anywhere, doing things without being totally present.
I regularly checked out with distractions like surfing the internet or watching TV for hours, eating, talking, thinking, escaping into my mind, internet shopping or looking for a new home. An activity like surfing the internet itself is neutral, but it was the quality I chose to do these activities in: my intention was often driven by not wanting to feel and deal with what was really going on for me and the people around me.
I could feel how long I have lived avoiding to truly feel what is going on within and around me – so I started to realise that giving up and checking out is very familiar to me. I have not been taking responsibility for how I live and I have not been wanting to feel what I was feeling.
My experience now is: the more I allow myself to feel the more aware I get, even if it’s very confronting (like feeling people with dementia), and even if I have to feel my own choosing to check out. But this way I get to know more of me. Now I have to really turn around the way I live to support myself lovingly, to feel all and to stay present with myself and with what I am doing at any given time, and not to run and numb myself when I can feel some struggle or pain.
When I allow myself to feel all, I give myself permission to also feel the love and joy that I am and that is all around me: I now finally have felt this very clearly too.
So I started doing some research and reading articles about dementia…
In Germany we have at present about 1.4 million people with dementia and they expect a rise up to 2.2 million by 2030 (1).
So What Is Going On?
Something is going horribly wrong here. There is no coincidence in the way dementia is on the rise if we truly consider the way many people live their lives.
Dementia is not only a side effect of people getting old, it is a clear reflection of a society which is choosing to check out and distract as a normal way of being. And then, after doing that for years, they are ending up not wanting to feel how disconnected they have lived and finally want to escape from life completely.
Becoming aware of all of this and being honest with myself and how I was living, I now appreciate how much I have changed my way of living. From watching TV a lot and drinking alcohol every day throughout my adult life until I was about 30 years old, to now choosing to engage in life more fully.
Now I have a different marker in my body and I can see and feel that I am not empty but that I am full of life and vitality; this gives me a constant reminder to choose to stay present.
So now I present my whole self to that elderly lady with dementia, making sure I stay mentally present, not allowing myself to react but connecting in a loving way with her.
With that I am reminded that there is a different way, and that is what I bring into that home for people with dementia….. this is much needed.
I have started to connect to other people who work with people with dementia and I have started to talk to people about dementia in general. We need to really start to ponder on what is going on here, and to start the discussion…. what has led us to this epidemic?
By Janina Koch, Cologne, Germany
Inspired by Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and the Esoteric Student Body.
(1) http://www.bmg.bund.de/pflege/demenz/zukunftswerkstatt-demenz.html
Further reading:
Dementia – is it truly a mystery?
1,250 Comments
As a kid daydreaming in my head was my safety blanket and over these last couple of years I’ve been learning to be more and more present with what I am feeling and the current moment I am in, it is simple to accept what I am feeling but breaking down the momentum of constantly choosing to escape requires time and commitment and appreciation for when I am present which brings a lot of understanding, steadiness and clarity into my life.
If the figures quoted here do actually eventuate, then we have all failed, as each of us, through our own choice of how we live, are reflections for our coming generations. Is this not enough of a reason to live present, joyful and light each and every day?
What is so very sad is that the things we use to check out with are not only becoming more prolific, affordable and super stimulating, but that we have humanity (a whole race of people) wanting more.
I get that I have a responsibility towards myself, to feel what is going on within me and I am willing to live this truth to the best of my ability. I also get that I have a responsibility to feel what is going on around me but I am aware as I read this blog that there is some resistance coming up to say yes wholeheartedly to this responsibility. Is it because of my lack of acceptance and understanding choosing sympathy instead of love and holding them knowing they will one day let go of the hurt and pain they are feeling? To observe, detach, empower and read what is going on within others not only supports them but it also supports me too, a learning for a greater level of love to hold within my body.
I have read articles that show that dementia is now affecting people in their thirties, it does ask us as a society to stop and pay more attention to what is going on and how we are living, if this used not to occur in the past, but is now.
I feel the worldwide escalating rise in dementia cases is a big wake-up call for us all, to take a look in our own back gardens to see where we are allowing ourselves to be hooked in by the illusion and trappings of life that are in abundance all around us. If we don’t choose differently we will become vacant vessels walking around with a ‘for sale sign’ inviting whatever energy chooses to occupy us..
The illusions can been seen, we know them, our choice to allow them will keep us locked on the path of illness. Using the wisdom we hold to expose them is very much needed, as Elizabeth shares above. To ignore, brush under the carpet, keep quiet to maintain the peace, is to escalate the rise of illnesses such as dementia.
This article is great and I feel that we need many more articles like it in the world today, so there can at the very least start to be a conversation on what is actually happening for each person.
Once, a few years ago I went to visit an old lady in a nursing home. To the outlooker she looked normal, as she had done all of her life her hair was combed perfectly, make up done, clothes well put together but to those who knew her she was empty. She was speaking stuff that did not make sense, or were a complete lie. Which of course will be the case, when we allow our mental state to run the show we can come up with a million scenarios, different stories and we could actually convince ourselves are true, we can create a life of lies and be convinced we are living truth.
I am with you Janina in choosing to be present and commitedly in life without perfection to reflect the truth of how Life can be.
Dementia will continue to grow and grow unless we look at our distractions and what we avoid.
To look at our own habits in which we check out is very important. Rather than looking at the illness that is dementia, what if we took 10 steps back and looked at the ways in which we are not there in our day – and consider that these all add up to feeding the state of play.
Really there is no better feeling then being really engaged and fully present and committed in the world, yet we live in a world where everything around us tells us not to be our true selves hence why many of us are constantly looking for outside distractions because we feel we can not simply be ourselves.
We say old age is horrible and something to avoid but could it be it’s just a mirror of the way we’ve lived our life? And so if we chose to escape what we end up with will be hard to take. But imagine what an elder would be like who’s consistently chosen Love and to live with honesty? It seems to me they’d be so wise and rich and joyful to be alive. This is the path I wish to take – so thanks to your blog Janina, I can see what to choose today.
Awesome point Joseph.
I have known some vibrant, alive elderly people and their essence has been a pleasure to enjoy in their older years. The beauty is, it is never too late to begin to live a loving, engaging life.
An important call out for us all Janina – to consider how we’ve been and what is going on when so many of humanity are suffering with dementia towards the end of their lives. And it’s those ways we ourselves check out on a day by day basis which are key, and what you say is so true, many of those activities are neutral but it’s the quality of how we approach them … are we looking to distract or numb ourselves or are we doing this fully connected to ourselves and our bodies. A great awareness for all of us to bring into our day.
We don’t like to see it, but our choices add up. Illnesses are not random as may seem but a confirmation that we’ve been living less than Love. When we see each illness as a correction we can’t help but see how healing sickness can be.
Yes, its true that when we check out to numb what we don’t want to feel, we are also numbing ourselves from feeling love and the great stuff too.
I love what you share in your blog Janina about how you took the reflections that you received from the residents in the nursing home, and with honesty pondered on situations where you are not fully present within your own life. You have inspired me to take a closer look at where I check out in my life.
I visit a rest home about once a week and many of the residents appear to be totally unaware of life going on around them, but there are also some who are alert and enjoying life to the best of their physical ability. When I observe those who appeared to ‘checked out’, I wonder what has brought them to this place in their lives, a place where they are simply existing from day to day. There appears to not be a set pattern as there are those in their 70’s who struggle to move and to converse, and then there is the most delightful and very active 100 year old who, to me, is living life to the fullest and is an absolute joy to be around. I get a sense from talking to her that this is the way she lived her life, fully present and making the most of every moment.
‘An activity like surfing the internet itself is neutral, but it was the quality I chose to do these activities in: my intention was often driven by not wanting to feel and deal with what was really going on for me and the people around me.’ How many people choose to use the internet in this manner and would relate it to a checked out state as dementia, yet for me it rings true, it all has to do with the quality we choose to do things in whether we stay present or not.
In giving up what is real, we give up living in connection to our Soul, the quality that truly animates us to live with true purpose, from our very first to our very last breath. Regardless of the age of our body our lives are enriched whenever we live in connection to our essence, as such reflect the light of who we are with whatever we do. There is always much for us to share, explore and learn as our evolution is always on offer.
I would say forgetfulness isn’t just an old age thing, I know people in their 20’s that can’t remember something I’ve told them 5 times. I have blanked out entire events or tasks I had to do when I get lost in the busyness of my mind. It’s like I can’t think straight and everything is hazey. Coming back to how I feel helps make sense of everything again.
Of late I’ve realised that many people in my daily passing or sharing with them are suffering with forgetfulness or just saying “Oh I do that a lot lately” and put it down to their age? Observing this, it is very much an accepted reality of life that this is ‘normal’.
This blog and others relating to this subject have really touched my awareness levels regarding dementia and similar numbing out activities that take place constantly. Age is only another excuse – what a mind bender!
Feeling what has to be felt the confronting things we don’t want to acknowledge is opening up more space to accept ourselves, we grow and expand when we do that and we also expand in understanding of the world. What a loving process..
Beautiful Adele. I have realised that through my own reaction and then resistance to feeling all that was going on in the world and even in my life, I was shutting off to bringing all that I knew deep down was what the world needed more of; love and my connection to it. With our openness to embrace life, all of it, we are open to know and feel what is needed to bring more of who we are, our truth and love to life, which is everything that this world is crying out for.
Indeed Dementia is not more than a long and deep lived pattern of being not connected with the body but always in thoughts in the mind. The mind ruling life which long term effects are getting a chronic way of being absent.
Dementia essentially begins when we begin to check out and not want to be a part of real life. Think of the number of teens and adults already checking out on screens, even walking out around town with their phone out and looking at the screen all the time completely oblivious to what is going on around them…it is like we want so much to escape real life that we are willing to be immersed into a virtual reality. But the real question is, why are we so keen to escape ‘real life’?
I too have visited and worked in Nursing homes, and it is confronting to see the elderly that are walking around in black and white rather than in colour so to speak – and as you have so beautifully said Janina, having lost their sparkle! But when you do connect with them and see the beginnings of the return of the sparkle, it feels amazing to see them begin to blossom again!
“I could feel how long I have lived avoiding to truly feel what is going on within and around me – so I started to realise that giving up and checking out is very familiar to me.” As a society it is not our ‘norm’ to really go there with our feelings, we are surrounded by a million things that help us to avoid our true feelings yet with the high rise in dementia we can see this is not working and has never worked.
It is an epidemic one that seems to be accepted as ‘normal’. Not normalising checking -out with screens, music or any substance would be a great awareness to share with people if/when they are open to such a chat.
While reading this blog I could feel just how often I have used various methods to check out and not feel what is going on for me. So I look forward to staying open to seeing when I go to these behaviors and why.
This makes total sense Janina – when following thoughts in the mind there is a lack of presence and awareness of being with the body. Since attending presentations with Universal Medicine it has become very clear that being fully present with my body is key to true wellbeing.
I agree completely Stephanie. From my own experience, I know that when I am fully present in my body, everything flows, I dont think, and I know exactly what to do. But when I start having to think I know that I have temporarliy lost that connection and everything feels complicated and hard to do, plus I get tired very quickly.
‘Dementia is not only a side effect of people getting old, it is a clear reflection of a society which is choosing to check out and distract as a normal way of being. And then, after doing that for years, they are ending up not wanting to feel how disconnected they have lived and finally want to escape from life completely’. Dementia explained… I can feel the truth in my body, having lived many years being checked out. In deep gratitude to The Way of The Livingness, Presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that has supported me to feel again and take responsibility for my life and past choices.
As a society, we seem to be more checked out than ever. In fact, we are checking out in every moment on all kinds of devices. It is scary really as children start checking out very young these days and are often stuck to a screen with no awareness of what is going on around them. So I agree Janina, we need to shake off this inertia and allow ourselves to feel.
Awesome Janina. You bring it home with “When I allow myself to feel all, I give myself permission to also feel the love and joy that I am and that is all around me”. The mind is the microcosmic. The macrocosmic is feeling all your body and importantly the love (that is) all around us. This might not be so distinct in a pub but my experience has been the more I accept the love within the more love I will feel all around me.
Existing in a haze is an accurate description, most dementia patients so far as I am aware are doped up on drugs to make them easier to manage. Whilst it is easy to understand why the care staff would do this, it is an awful way to end your days. It needs to be understood that we cause our own dementia by checking out and gradually giving up on life and that therefore we are responsible for our own dementia.
‘It needs to be understood that we cause our own dementia by checking out and gradually giving up on life and that therefore we are responsible for our own dementia.’ This is huge and generally, at large, we are no-where near coming to this understanding about the disease. With this understanding we have self-empowerment…we have choices on how we truly want to live by knowing the consequences of what those choices can bring.
Not many people would like to read this that we are responsible for our own Dementia, but in fact its very true because as a humanity we all have been choosing and living irresponsibility. And Dementia is the now obvious outcome of this in the knowing that all our choices have consequences and that we create everything in our lives – we do indeed paint our own canvas.
Having family members with dementia has to be tough, not only from the memory point of view but the anger and aggression that can surface with some people. I wonder if the reasons why they were checking out in the first place come up to the surface in the form of an angry outburst.
When I first heard the link between checking out and dementia I wanted to resist this, it seemed so simple yet meant there was no one or nothing to blame apart from my choices. The more I deepen presence in my life the more it makes sense and I see just how much I was checking out in life and therefore how I was setting myself up to get dementia .