When I was 15, I had anorexia. It was a year of big changes. From the security of living in a middle class family in Hong Kong, I was sent to an all-girls’ boarding school in Scotland. I had to leave my friends and a boy whom I fancied then, and suddenly found myself in a very cold country, with people speaking in an accent that was difficult to understand. At school there was only one other Asian student: I jumped 3 grades and had to study subjects which were totally foreign and I shared a room with two other girls who seemed to get along fine, but found me strange. At 15, that was a lot to take.
I felt rejected and abandoned, and very unsupported.
I wanted to disappear and remain invisible, so I hid myself in the library most of the time and studied to keep up with the good student identity I had built up for myself in Hong Kong. I felt very lonely.
I didn’t feel cared for, but did not feel I had any say in the matter, and so chose to just go along with the decision that was made for me. None of this felt okay, yet no part of me was aware I could talk about it, or even say no. What was not expressed verbally though, I expressed through controlling my body – I stopped eating.
I would only eat two things and in miniscule amounts – ketchup flavored chips and lemon meringue pie. But of course, that would be too obvious and I would get into trouble at school, so I would pretend to eat my meals and cut up everything on the plate and pick at it. Every morsel of food I put into my mouth felt like I was committing a crime.
Everything that did not feel right and I could not accept was not expressed, and it was my own body that I rejected to punish the world for treating me this way, although I thought it was freedom at the time. I was rebelling as a teenager from feeling the impossibility of being allowed to make true choices.
But I did choose, and I chose to withhold my communication; I chose to accept that children had no say in expressing how they felt to their parents in the culture that I grew up in, and when I did not take the responsibility to express myself, I also chose to punish myself as a consequence.
This pattern was carried on into adulthood: whenever I felt something was wrong in the world and it felt too overwhelming to express, I would reject the world by first rejecting myself.
How crazy is this?
If the outside world did not confirm me, it was as though I didn’t exist…. mostly, it didn’t. And when I didn’t get a confirmation from the world that matched the knowing within myself, I rejected life, and lived by constantly protecting myself from feeling hurt that no one saw me for who I truly am.
It was not until meeting Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I began to understand how truly precious I am, and that I do matter. In fact, everything begins with the love that I take responsibility for by first giving it to myself. This was a concept that is virtually unknown in the Chinese culture of filial piety and in the Christian religion that I grew up in. What I learned also is the responsibility of expression, from acknowledging what has been felt to be true within the body, and taking the further responsibility of expressing this truth outwardly, not in reaction, but with the love that has been built in the body from caring and nurturing myself.
Knowing myself to be a delicate, precious being, I am re-learning to live deeply this preciousness again. I am allowing the vulnerability of my body to be expressed and accepting it, along with the past and present choices I have made. I am choosing to let down the protection of perfection and/or rejection. I am allowing my body to again make its own choices, to be okay with making mistakes, as that is how I will learn to take responsibility. Most of all, I am deeply appreciating that for most of my life I have lived life honouring a deep inner knowing, and now, as always, it is amazing to deepen this relationship with my body further.
Although my weight has remained at about the same as when I had anorexia, what I feel in my body now is the steady warmth of preciousness, power in delicateness, consistency of joy and the solidness of self-worth I have never felt before – despite the fact that my body image does not fit into the normal standard that the world may be comfortable with.
It is important to appreciate how far I have come from having constant debilitating and depressive thoughts, to feeling deeply supported through this beautiful vehicle of expression. I am so honoured and humbled to express the greatest gift (love), through my greatest friend (the body) in the world.
Inspired daily by the wisdom of the body and the true relationship I am building, the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine in commitment to self-love, self-care and self-nurturing.
By Adele Leung, Creative Director/Fashion Stylist, Hong Kong
Further Reading:
Healthy body healthy mind
987 Comments
It is really interesting this pattern of how we get hurt by the world and when we don’t deal with this we often then harm ourselves in some way- whether that be an eating disorder, conflicts with others, holding back our expression, using alcohol and drugs, overeating etc.
It is the greatest gift to express the love from the body, and sometimes if not all the time, how amazingly simple the expression is.
There are many help centres for people with anorexia, but often it doesn’t seem to work or takes many years for them to recover. With the full understanding of what is presented here and in other blogs and the understating of what healing is through Universal Medicine Therapies a lot more people can be truly supported to come back to self love.
Our years as a young person are so important to get the simple basics in a way that is true, but as you have shared Adele, it is never to late to bring a rhythm that is self-nurturing and self-loving as our foundation, so we simply have to be open to re-connecting to our essence. Once connected our body shares a wisdom that is remarkable in the ways that it continues to share how simple life can be without all the have to and must. Then being connected to our divine essence allows our body to feel what ever we are doing and that can be the simple things in life like walking and eating, so we remain in that connection while doing any task.
Beautifully shared Adele. There is no greater gift in this world that living the love we are, as it is through this quality that the light of God shines through us here on earth, reflecting to all the truth of who we are.
“If the outside world did not confirm me, it was as though I didn’t exist…. mostly, it didn’t. And when I didn’t get a confirmation from the world that matched the knowing within myself, I rejected life,”
Wow this is a huge learning, rejecting life for yourself because the world rejected that which is you.
Thanks for sharing so openly Adèle as I and I suppose many people can learn more about those disorders, the background of why we have those ill behaviors. This way people can go for true healing of the cause.
Appreciating the ever present friend we all have in our bodies and how we make an awesome team when we work together rather than sabotaging ourselves in a myriad of ways if we feel unsupported by life. The more I am building a relationship with my body and listening to all it communicates the steadier I feel with everything that is presented to me in my daily life.
When we don’t have that connection with our bodies, it’s like we don’t have an anchor or a solid foundation, so whenever anything comes up that might be tricky to deal with, we leave our bodies further behind because we don’t want to feel the undealt with angst and unsettlement. By starting to consistently choose to be in and with my body, i.e. staying awake and aware of what I’m feeling, I started to feel more settled and more at ease with myself and the world – a far easier way to be in life rather than constantly fighting and attempting to control stress.
Appreciation is missing in many of our lives, when we are void of self love and self appreciation we make choices that harm us. We need to know we always have the power within to ignite that self love that always resides within, however self abusive we can be.
Yes.. so true that we can only make choices that are self-abusive when we lack self-love and appreciation. Turning this around takes a little bit of time and the consistent choosing to appreciate the choices that we make that are self-loving. However basic and tiny these actions and choices might be to start with, as we appreciate them, they slowly build and become more solid. Self-love becomes a foundation that we can then make more choices from, instead of self-abuse. We can either confirm and consolidate who we are through our loving choices and appreciation of those, or degrade ourselves by choosing not to actively appreciate, and focus on the negative, which chips away at our self worth and self esteem.
I found anorexia difficult to understand until I began reading firsthand accounts like this. Now this disease and the energy behind it makes absolute sense to me. Thank you for sharing.
I know this one as well when I was younger I felt so not in control of my life so the one thing I could control was my food. And years on our younger generation (and older!) are still going through similar patterns and cycles that are so unnecessary. There is a lot to change …. a lot more to make in life truly about people, connection, self-love, self-care and self-worth.
A great reminder that young people absolutely need true support and love to guide them through what can be a very challenging time
I feel so blessed to have read your blog Adele. I have a much deeper understanding of what lies underneath anorexia. I find it particularly interesting that you have not necessarily changed how you look on the outside but the feeling and the relationship with yourself on the inside is completely different.
I understand Adele .. and i.e. there is consequence whether you honour yourself in the truth you know, or not. The simple result will be the quality of the originating choice.