Ever since I was young, family was everything.
From the moment I was born, the first others I felt and saw were my family. I was the first-born child on both my mother’s and father’s side – and there was much celebration and many photo shoots, family gatherings and doting, just about me. From the very beginning, I was deeply loved and cared for. From my Mum and Dad, aunties and uncles to the grandparents, I took centre stage. Every move was watched, every word spoken and heard. I was the golden child with everything laid at my feet. With all of this attention, there was nothing I could do that was wrong.
With all the fussing came something underlying. I felt exalted, not just from being me, but for what it was I could do. I was the one others could tell their friends about and boast to their neighbours about. I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives. In all this, the expectations were enormous. The first-born baby and a son, too. What would become of me? Would I become a builder like my grandfathers? Maybe an engineer? Maybe I was so intelligent that I could become a doctor or lawyer? This would make everyone proud, to see the first-born son become something great.
I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way. If I smiled on cue, did things that made people laugh and did all the things that pleased them, there was much in it for me. I could get my needs met at the drop of a hat and all the attention I wanted.
This was all rosy, with it all going my way; I had it made, or so I thought. But next came something that really rocked my little bubble – along came some brothers and then sisters and I was no longer ‘the one.’ Now there were others that were smaller and cuter and who got all the attention. How could I compete with this?
There was no amount of looking brighter or being better that could compete with what I was up against, so by trial and error I found what worked for me was going into my shell. In the withdrawal, the attention came again; not in the form previously, but nevertheless it was there and at this stage of the game I would take whatever I could get. My family would say “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sad? Would you like this or that to cheer you up?” Again, the game was on.
With this way, I learned that I could manage life quite well. I could get all the attention I needed by not engaging with life, by disconnecting from the world and waiting for others to connect with me. My move was strategically planned and fail-safe, or so I thought.
As I got older, into my teenage years, I discovered that not everyone wanted to be around someone so withdrawn. I often felt isolated and alone. For a long time I lived like this, knowing all along that there must be more. Things didn’t add up. Surely there must be more to life than the constant merry-go-round of seeking recognition from others in this way.
It took going through a family breakup and the support of Universal Medicine practitioners for me to realise that the way I had set things up was causing the problem.
From there, what I started to feel was my own connection within. The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling what I knew deep down to be me. It had been there all along – I just chose to not connect within to my own essence.
Bit by bit I realised that with this connection with myself, I could also connect with others in a different way than I was used to. I felt I could let go of trying to be a certain way and be me, without the concern of what others might think. I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.
When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.
This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.
By Chris Vale, Mechanical Fitter/Welder, Bunbury, Western Australia
Further Reading:
Acceptance
Packaging and Opening Us Up
Returning to our essence
502 Comments
‘With all the fussing came something underlying. I felt exalted, not just from being me, but for what it was I could do.’ I feel there is an honesty needed in me that pinpoints what it is that I go for when I am not confirming myself in my beingness or appreciating. It’s when I feel into that energy that I’m wanting to capture I get to discern its quality, then I can decide whether I really want to go for it or not. It’s like when I was a girl I could attract a certain type of energy and be noticed, but when I felt what came back at me and what I went into it didn’t felt far from nourishing and actually quite insidious and toxic.
Whether it is withdrawing or being the centre of attention to get any form of recognition from outside of us, neither are ever fulfilling or sustaining. Connecting to the love within as you share Chris holds and nourishes the being we are. Beautiful.
I feel it is a smidgen sad that we need to celebrate you celebrating you enjoying just being you…how far have we gone from what we know to be loving relationships that we need our adorable babies to please us to feel loved by us. We may not consider it the reality but it is a reality far greater than we like to admit.
‘that we need our adorable babies to please us to feel loved by us’ This feels ugly, a global set-up we enter into as we are born. I don’t see many people being aware of this and so the cycle repeats as people become a part of it. Appreciating ourselves and each other for who we are breaks this cycle.
The unconscious grooming that we can find ourselves the recipient of or even the orchestrator of, slips in so early in life and this blog exposes this so beautifully. The space you have allowed to re-connect to your own divinity is to be celebrated. I deeply appreciate your sharing of the awareness of what happened to allow in separation in the first place and love the simplicity and understanding this blog offers us all – Thank you Chris
It is beautiful to hear a man write in such an honouring way about how he values tenderness and connection.
It is so interesting what you have shared and shows how we settle for attention when love is absent and then in this we feel more lost.
Wow this is gold what you share, that even when you feel rejected it is something that doesn’t wobble you away from what you know to be what holds you and supports you, your connection to your Soul. That is super powerful.
There are a million articles online about different trades and things we can do but how many talk about our connection as you do Chris? And yet this is our true no. 1 job of being alive. We have life the wrong way around – focusing on pursuing outcomes instead of the way we get there.
The part what we often forget and don’t do is that of Appreciation, actually appreciating ourselves.. It was recently that I asked my nurse colleague about what he appreciated about himself and in a nutshell it was very difficult for him to express that as much was referred to ‘doing’ ‘doing things good’ and ‘achieving recognition by patients’ to know that you have done well.. It was this very example that struck me to feel that we need to live so much more and start appreciating who we are.
‘I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives.’ I see this a lot in life. A baby comes into the room and people are reminded of the beauty they are but aren’t living much of the time if at all. So the reflection is adored but isn’t seen as equal to their own so becomes a distraction from all that isn’t beautiful.
When we redevelop our inner connection we come to know who we are, and how we are all one and come from the same source , and the best foundation we can have to living a fulfilled life is to live in harmony with ourselves and those around us.
When we feel rejected, the most common thing to do is to withdraw and feel hurt. But what I realise is that choosing to withdraw hurts us more than the initial rejection. So, I am learning to stay open, be loving, feel what is going on and not withdraw. This feels so much more supportive, evolving and amazing.
Staying open and transparent is revelatory for me when I choose this way of responding. It shows me what I’ve created and how connection with others is always possible if I don’t reject people.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am” Gorgeous Chris its so simple to be ourselves, it is crazy how we can spend most of lives avoiding this simplicity.
Yes Sam and the juxtaposition of something that doesn’t ask us to be anything other than who we are but equally doesn’t stand still…it is constantly offering us a deeper relationship with ourselves.
You describe a true freedom and joy Chris, super.
The relationship we have with ourselves is paramount, and a foundational base for the rest of our relationships, and yes I agree, ‘The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.’
“I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way”
Even at this tender age we are party to an energetic contract, by giving a nod to our needs, we avoid the depth of relationship that can honestly be shared and moved.
It is a fact that if we love ourselves, we will have a different reflection than if we are miserable and sullen. So, it is our choice how we are going to invest our time when it comes to carving out a persona or find out who the real us is – no one can do that for us or bring this to us.
“When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.” This is beautiful Chris. To hold true to who we are is beyond price.
I agree very beautifully expressed. I find when I withdraw, it hurts everyone and there is no evolution in this choice as it only cements the hurt deeper and for longer. It is so much more loving and supportive to stay steady, connected, opening and loving towards ourselves and others.
It’s amazing to look at the patterns of behaviour we have used, and to ask what we have gotten out of them. Each one is carefully crafted to get us not feeling something, but in the end we miss out on our connection with ourselves and that is the thing that is most natural to us and that we want the most.
Lovely Chris, and that final comment ‘it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am’ is the home run. We try and try and try, get exhausted and put on so many different personas, and yet the answer is so simple, waiting inside of us. When will we listen, and how often?