I have been married to my husband for over 11 years now and we have an exquisite and strong relationship that is forever deepening in the love that we share with each other.
We form an amazing ‘team’, working through the many demands of life together, and though we can’t claim to have greatly enviable dance moves as a couple, in life we do know how to tango together with grace and tenderness. But this was not always the case.
When we first met there was a clear connection between us and we established a solid friendship before deciding to get together.
From the word go we were incredibly at ease with each other, so comfortable being together, and our relationship felt so natural and familiar there could be no doubt that we were made to be a great couple. In fact most people assumed we were husband and wife before we even started going out. But we had many things to work on in our relationship.
Both of us carried many hurts from previous relationships, and we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other.
It was like there was a certain level of love we were ok to express, as well as receive from the other, and beyond that felt really scary to go to. But as time went on we were granted many opportunities to explore the things that stopped us from evolving in our relationship.
Mostly this involved sharing with each other how we felt when certain things happened, when certain issues cropped up. This was often an excruciatingly difficult experience involving many tears, raised voices and sometimes door slamming. No physical violence ever eventuated for us but the abusive tones we used and the shutting off from the other was strong enough to feel like it cut to the bone.
Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.
There were three clear occasions where we got to a point that the communication was so poor between us that we discussed separation and divorce. But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.
So around and around we went, knowing that divorce was not the answer and yet a relationship based on function with only a smidgen of the love we were capable of sharing with each other was not it either. We were stuck.
Finally, we decided to seek help. We found some help with counselling offered through Universal Medicine practitioners, and for 18 months we worked hard at our relationship, the way we communicated with each other and the way we treated each other.
At times the only communications we had without reacting strongly to the other was saying “pass the salt please”. In other words, we went through moments in our relationship where communication was so difficult one could have said that the only time we got along really well was when we were not in the same room.
However, thanks to the counselling support as well as implementing some amazing and simple tools of communication, we were able to bring understanding to what was happening in our relationship and each other, and we could begin to bring back more love into the way we were with each other.
I will be honest in saying that it was a hard road to travel – a difficult time working through the issues between us, exploring areas of discord and discussing things that just did not feel right – but I cannot begin to express how worthwhile it has been to lay the groundwork and foundation for our relationship as husband and wife: groundwork that has allowed us both to deepen and expand the qualities that we bring to each other.
This is not to say that we are perfect, for of course issues will still crop up for us to look at – but, in truth, these issues are very small matters indeed, and are nothing compared to what we now bring as love and appreciation of each other.
The most beautiful thing to feel and appreciate too, is that with this now as a foundation, we can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together.
We can feel that there is much more for us to share with each other and many more around us. This is practising a tango with truth, which would never have been possible had it not been for our dedication to each other combined with the support of these amazing practitioners and the community of couples to be inspired by.
By Henrietta Chang
Further Reading:
Relationships – A Never Ending Journey
Making a relationship about true love
Sex vs making love – is there a difference?
598 Comments
Open and honest discussion is a more effective way of communicating than slamming doors.
This is an honest and beautiful sharing of how we can work things out if we are prepared to look at our hurts ideals and beliefs and not impose them on another, or expect someone to love us because we cannot love ourselves. So many of us do not even realise we have a problem loving ourselves as we have developed a blame culture where it is always someone else’s problem, we are just a victim. So to be prepared to work through all the stuff that we put in the way of developing a truly loving relationship is so worth celebrating.
Relationships should be on every school curriculum. And what a difference it would make to all of our lives and to Life itself if it was. It would become apparent that our investigation and learning of relationships would be a never ending study.
“But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce”. Henrietta this is something that I realised about my relationship as well but for a long time I would daydream about being with someone else and having the level of intimacy that I longed for. I think as human beings we do this a lot, dream about things being better with someone else or whilst doing something else and overlooking the fact that whatever isn’t working gets dragged with us into the next scenario. It might take a while to show itself but in time it will because in truth there is nothing that we can ever leave behind.
‘We can feel that there is much more for us to share with each other and many more around us.’ It is really important for the world to have role models of couples living in truly loving relationships – working on developing and evolving, very inspiring.
Your commitment to the relationship and healing the hurts is inspiring, ‘ thanks to the counselling support as well as implementing some amazing and simple tools of communication, we were able to bring understanding to what was happening in our relationship and each other, and we could begin to bring back more love into the way we were with each other.’
Being open to support when we are aware there is an issue is a great start, and then it really has to come from us, to be honest and to be willing to heal our hurts. Universal Medicine and the principles it is based on is a remarkable support, to stop and reflect inwards and heal the hurts so we don’t carry them around with us and pollute other relationships with it.
Yes, being honest and willing to heal our hurts are key ingredients in any relationship.
In fact, we have fallen so far from the love we are from. That’s why it is at times so difficult to return to it but for sure a way worth to go.
As long there is a willingness to delve deeper in the potential of the relationship you can speak of a true relationship that otherwise could be described as an arrangement when this willingness is not there.
I feel it is important to note that we create the issues that can come between us. It could be that both partners in their own way in the relationship are resisting going deeper in their love for one another but whatever is there to be looked at, will indeed keep coming round and round until one day both or perhaps one of the partners says enough’s enough and leads the way knowing through every step they take there is potential for a greater love to come between them.
When we don’t communicate openly with each other small issues can seem overwhelming.
Not communicating is an unwillingness to move with the love that is constantly pouring through our veins. Actually, we then go against our natural way of being that possibly gives us that feeling of overwhelm which in fact is just a result of denying our divine origin.
There’s nothing like being in a relationship – with anyone – to expose and reflect exactly where we’re at and what we need to work on. It’s raw, confronting and uncomfortable, and an incredible opportunity to grow and learn, if we’re up for it, honest and open.
Your comment sums up an important aspect of relationships, relationships ‘expose and reflect exactly where we’re at and what we need to work on. It’s raw, confronting and uncomfortable, and an incredible opportunity to grow and learn’.
Relationships are certainly there for us to work on. They require space and commitment and communication and a willingness to keep going deeper. Your sharing is so telling of how we have to want to go there in a relationship in order to keep developing it. Things are never handed to us on a plate, and if we are willing to want to see what the blockers are, then we will continue to deepen.
It is inspiring the commitment you both showed to sticking with the relationship to get under what was causing problems. It seems a lot of now days hit that point where we are not comfortable to move past and separate. Your example even if it had ended in divorce shows the growth and learning on offer when we keep going deeper into the seemingly ‘scary zones’.
I love the appreciation that is so palpable in this blog and the gratitude that you have both been supported to work through your issues so that you can go ever deeper with your foundation of love for each other and for everyone.
Relationships offer us a way of evolving back to who we truly are, often through turmoil and upset as we are confronted with our ideals and beliefs. It is not easy to be honest and open with the part that we play within the relationship, so beautiful that you both stayed and build a foundation of love that could support you both through these times, and chose to seek the loving support that was offered by Unimed practitioners.
I would say tango is not exactly the way I would like to move as a couple Henrietta, the tango being hard and full of sadness, the dance of the lost lovers:-) But I get your point, a relationship should be, and could be, a smooth, gentle loving dance. That this great effort I can understand, experiencing that myself. You now set a standard for people to be inspired by. Loved your honesty in all of this.
There is always more to share… And we have relationships everywhere.
This is very lovely. I feel there are many relationships that could stay the course, so to speak, if the partners were humble enough to get the support of counsellors of the calibre of those working in Universal Medicine. Although I am not in a couple relationship at the moment I am considering a few sessions to support me in deepening my expression of love and truth and renouncing the behaviours and ways of communicating that do not serve this purpose.
Perhaps our joy in relationship comes from the quality of engagement to face and deal with our problems and issues that come up.
It is very inspiring Henriette to feel how powerful it is when we are willing and open to being honest with each other, as we then are by the truth to deepen our relationship with love for ourselves and each other.
What I love about your sharing is that it is not about striving for perfection but about building a foundation that is based on love and in this not letting things run that do not fit with this and bringing understanding to the fact that in relationships stuff will come up and that is also part of it.
It sure seems true to say that there is an amazing alignment that happens to bring us together in all our relationships in order to grow and learn together, and denying what is on offer (no matter how difficult it may seem at first) will most likely result in letting go of a great opportunity to evolve together. When we let each other stay in the emotional reactions of what another person does without seeing and reading the greater message or learning to be had, it can be difficult to ‘go there’, but much worth it in the end, as Henrietta has described in this blog. Henrietta,I would love to hear more about what tools of communication you learned from Universal Medicine practitioners to lay that groundwork of a more loving way in your relationship with your partner.
Life is seen as a thing to get through, with a strength to maintain when in truth it’s about a quality we develop to consistently go deeper. Rather than a marathon runner we are to be more of a deep sea diver. Thank you Henrietta.
Very true Joseph, there is no point going onto the next thing in life when something needs to be looked at and addressed in the moment… it is about the quality of our being and not quantity of how much we can do or achieve together in whatever way that may mean in the relationship.
Communication with honesty clears the falsity of ideals and beliefs out of the way and opens us up to true relationship.
It is worth ensuring that when you walk away from a relationship you do it with an understanding of why the relationship didn’t work, on both sides. That way you start the next relationship without the baggage that can be taken from relationship to relationship and poisons that deeper intimacy and connection.
Absolutely and yet so many keep repeating the same patterns over and over again – relationship after relationship and lifetime after lifetime.
We each deserve to be treated to the whole and complete version of who we are. But it’s not about skills, training or tricks we could bring to bear but living present, and being there knowing we are a multidimensional being worthy of care.
I can relate to this because I am also incredibly grateful for the enormous support my husband and I have received over the years from Universal Medicine practitioners. We have been married and working together 24/7 for over 25 years now. There has always been a great love and commitment between us but over the years we too have had some very difficult times. These days thanks to our choices and the support we received from Universal Medicine, our marriage is deeply loving, joyful, harmonious and awesome at a level I would never have even imagined was possible and there seems to be no end in sight as we keep evolving together.
A relationship based purely on function is never going to work…. our feelings cannot be ignored, and the fact is that we are in an energetic relationship first and foremost. The only way to make it through and ignore this is to dull the senses and hope that we don’t feel the disquiet inside too much. What kind of living is that?
Not knowing the qualities you bring and therefore appreciating the value of these manifesting will leave you in a state of needing to be confirmed by another. When this does not happen you are faced with your hurt. It’s worth gold in a relationship to never stop appreciating what you bring.
” we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other. ”
It’s great to express this and our views, ideas , ideals and beliefs that restrict the expression of love and this is the case for all relationships.
A lovely sharing, and understanding how important it can be to seek support with our relationships. Relationships bring up so much that it can be necessary for another person to support from the ‘outside’ so to speak.
I love your honesty in this blog Henriette. It shows that we can in fact turn anything around with commitment and dedication to each other.
I find it is easy to allow relationships to go stagnant, especially when we are not putting any love or responsibility into it. Relationships like anything else needs nurturing, constant care and love. I realise for anything to expand and grow it needs fuel and that fuel is love.
Very beautifully said Chan. If we allow stagnation in one relationship then this flows onto to all others. Therefore a relationship that is tended and cared for also flows on to all others.
It’s inspiring to read the responsibility you both took with your relationship, knowing that ending it wasn’t the answer before the issues were resolved because those same issues would present themselves again down the line and the cycle would continue.
“Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.” This explains why it is also not about staying together in a relationship at all costs and that staying together is never the end goal. But that it is about the quality of what we are living together with someone and as long we can bring this together to a quality of love and joy than staying together is natural.
This is really great to read Henrietta. The commitment that you and your husband have for each other and the dedication to your relationship is very inspiring.
This is a beautiful sharing and you show the rest of us what the end result can be, when purpose and commitment is present in the deepening of a relationship.
Yes and to bring it back to all – back to love when all the ill thoughts and games try to resurface knowing that these are the roadblocks back to love.
It was great to read this and see that although relationships can be extremely challenging and at times feel like there is nowhere for them to go, there is always the potential for them to deepen.
It’s my strong feeling that we are placed here together without any shred of coincidence. We are perfectly aligned to bring up just what we would prefer to never see. Yet isn’t this the most magnificent opportunity? You’d say yes, unless of course it’s you who is the one being triggered that day. But if we just develop the patience and the understanding we will get to see that there is a much bigger picture to what is at play and what seems hard is what is so needed for us to embrace. Thank you Henrietta for sharing your journey to get to this place.
It’s great to see the point where we meet someone, all the potential that is there for everyone to see. As is said in this article, “In fact most people assumed we were husband and wife before we even started going out. But we had many things to work on in our relationship.” There is a strong connection and purpose there from the first point that we often dismiss or walk past because ‘it couldn’t be’ or ‘you need to get to know someone first’ etc etc. It would seem most of the ‘issues’ are with us and understanding or living the feelings we actually have from the first point. At times it would seem we would rather live strongly the struggle and not live to all else that we feel. This way these relationships struggle not from issues but from the fact we are living that way and the relationship is simply a reflection of this.
I love what you are sharing here Ray as from the moment you meet with someone you can live everything that is there for the two people coming together to be lived and shared but there are a lot of ideals and beliefs around that say there needs to be a phase of getting to know each other, which of course is also needed but it is not all about that. At the time we are getting to know each other we can also already live all that is there for us.