I have been married to my husband for over 11 years now and we have an exquisite and strong relationship that is forever deepening in the love that we share with each other.
We form an amazing ‘team’, working through the many demands of life together, and though we can’t claim to have greatly enviable dance moves as a couple, in life we do know how to tango together with grace and tenderness. But this was not always the case.
When we first met there was a clear connection between us and we established a solid friendship before deciding to get together.
From the word go we were incredibly at ease with each other, so comfortable being together, and our relationship felt so natural and familiar there could be no doubt that we were made to be a great couple. In fact most people assumed we were husband and wife before we even started going out. But we had many things to work on in our relationship.
Both of us carried many hurts from previous relationships, and we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other.
It was like there was a certain level of love we were ok to express, as well as receive from the other, and beyond that felt really scary to go to. But as time went on we were granted many opportunities to explore the things that stopped us from evolving in our relationship.
Mostly this involved sharing with each other how we felt when certain things happened, when certain issues cropped up. This was often an excruciatingly difficult experience involving many tears, raised voices and sometimes door slamming. No physical violence ever eventuated for us but the abusive tones we used and the shutting off from the other was strong enough to feel like it cut to the bone.
Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.
There were three clear occasions where we got to a point that the communication was so poor between us that we discussed separation and divorce. But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.
So around and around we went, knowing that divorce was not the answer and yet a relationship based on function with only a smidgen of the love we were capable of sharing with each other was not it either. We were stuck.
Finally, we decided to seek help. We found some help with counselling offered through Universal Medicine practitioners, and for 18 months we worked hard at our relationship, the way we communicated with each other and the way we treated each other.
At times the only communications we had without reacting strongly to the other was saying “pass the salt please”. In other words, we went through moments in our relationship where communication was so difficult one could have said that the only time we got along really well was when we were not in the same room.
However, thanks to the counselling support as well as implementing some amazing and simple tools of communication, we were able to bring understanding to what was happening in our relationship and each other, and we could begin to bring back more love into the way we were with each other.
I will be honest in saying that it was a hard road to travel – a difficult time working through the issues between us, exploring areas of discord and discussing things that just did not feel right – but I cannot begin to express how worthwhile it has been to lay the groundwork and foundation for our relationship as husband and wife: groundwork that has allowed us both to deepen and expand the qualities that we bring to each other.
This is not to say that we are perfect, for of course issues will still crop up for us to look at – but, in truth, these issues are very small matters indeed, and are nothing compared to what we now bring as love and appreciation of each other.
The most beautiful thing to feel and appreciate too, is that with this now as a foundation, we can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together.
We can feel that there is much more for us to share with each other and many more around us. This is practising a tango with truth, which would never have been possible had it not been for our dedication to each other combined with the support of these amazing practitioners and the community of couples to be inspired by.
By Henrietta Chang
Further Reading:
Relationships – A Never Ending Journey
Making a relationship about true love
Sex vs making love – is there a difference?
600 Comments
Open and honest discussion is a more effective way of communicating than slamming doors.
This is an honest and beautiful sharing of how we can work things out if we are prepared to look at our hurts ideals and beliefs and not impose them on another, or expect someone to love us because we cannot love ourselves. So many of us do not even realise we have a problem loving ourselves as we have developed a blame culture where it is always someone else’s problem, we are just a victim. So to be prepared to work through all the stuff that we put in the way of developing a truly loving relationship is so worth celebrating.
Relationships should be on every school curriculum. And what a difference it would make to all of our lives and to Life itself if it was. It would become apparent that our investigation and learning of relationships would be a never ending study.
“But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce”. Henrietta this is something that I realised about my relationship as well but for a long time I would daydream about being with someone else and having the level of intimacy that I longed for. I think as human beings we do this a lot, dream about things being better with someone else or whilst doing something else and overlooking the fact that whatever isn’t working gets dragged with us into the next scenario. It might take a while to show itself but in time it will because in truth there is nothing that we can ever leave behind.
‘We can feel that there is much more for us to share with each other and many more around us.’ It is really important for the world to have role models of couples living in truly loving relationships – working on developing and evolving, very inspiring.
Your commitment to the relationship and healing the hurts is inspiring, ‘ thanks to the counselling support as well as implementing some amazing and simple tools of communication, we were able to bring understanding to what was happening in our relationship and each other, and we could begin to bring back more love into the way we were with each other.’
Being open to support when we are aware there is an issue is a great start, and then it really has to come from us, to be honest and to be willing to heal our hurts. Universal Medicine and the principles it is based on is a remarkable support, to stop and reflect inwards and heal the hurts so we don’t carry them around with us and pollute other relationships with it.
Yes, being honest and willing to heal our hurts are key ingredients in any relationship.
In fact, we have fallen so far from the love we are from. That’s why it is at times so difficult to return to it but for sure a way worth to go.
As long there is a willingness to delve deeper in the potential of the relationship you can speak of a true relationship that otherwise could be described as an arrangement when this willingness is not there.
I feel it is important to note that we create the issues that can come between us. It could be that both partners in their own way in the relationship are resisting going deeper in their love for one another but whatever is there to be looked at, will indeed keep coming round and round until one day both or perhaps one of the partners says enough’s enough and leads the way knowing through every step they take there is potential for a greater love to come between them.
When we don’t communicate openly with each other small issues can seem overwhelming.
Not communicating is an unwillingness to move with the love that is constantly pouring through our veins. Actually, we then go against our natural way of being that possibly gives us that feeling of overwhelm which in fact is just a result of denying our divine origin.
There’s nothing like being in a relationship – with anyone – to expose and reflect exactly where we’re at and what we need to work on. It’s raw, confronting and uncomfortable, and an incredible opportunity to grow and learn, if we’re up for it, honest and open.
Your comment sums up an important aspect of relationships, relationships ‘expose and reflect exactly where we’re at and what we need to work on. It’s raw, confronting and uncomfortable, and an incredible opportunity to grow and learn’.
Relationships are certainly there for us to work on. They require space and commitment and communication and a willingness to keep going deeper. Your sharing is so telling of how we have to want to go there in a relationship in order to keep developing it. Things are never handed to us on a plate, and if we are willing to want to see what the blockers are, then we will continue to deepen.
It is inspiring the commitment you both showed to sticking with the relationship to get under what was causing problems. It seems a lot of now days hit that point where we are not comfortable to move past and separate. Your example even if it had ended in divorce shows the growth and learning on offer when we keep going deeper into the seemingly ‘scary zones’.
I love the appreciation that is so palpable in this blog and the gratitude that you have both been supported to work through your issues so that you can go ever deeper with your foundation of love for each other and for everyone.
Relationships offer us a way of evolving back to who we truly are, often through turmoil and upset as we are confronted with our ideals and beliefs. It is not easy to be honest and open with the part that we play within the relationship, so beautiful that you both stayed and build a foundation of love that could support you both through these times, and chose to seek the loving support that was offered by Unimed practitioners.
I would say tango is not exactly the way I would like to move as a couple Henrietta, the tango being hard and full of sadness, the dance of the lost lovers:-) But I get your point, a relationship should be, and could be, a smooth, gentle loving dance. That this great effort I can understand, experiencing that myself. You now set a standard for people to be inspired by. Loved your honesty in all of this.
There is always more to share… And we have relationships everywhere.
This is very lovely. I feel there are many relationships that could stay the course, so to speak, if the partners were humble enough to get the support of counsellors of the calibre of those working in Universal Medicine. Although I am not in a couple relationship at the moment I am considering a few sessions to support me in deepening my expression of love and truth and renouncing the behaviours and ways of communicating that do not serve this purpose.
Perhaps our joy in relationship comes from the quality of engagement to face and deal with our problems and issues that come up.
It is very inspiring Henriette to feel how powerful it is when we are willing and open to being honest with each other, as we then are by the truth to deepen our relationship with love for ourselves and each other.
What I love about your sharing is that it is not about striving for perfection but about building a foundation that is based on love and in this not letting things run that do not fit with this and bringing understanding to the fact that in relationships stuff will come up and that is also part of it.
It sure seems true to say that there is an amazing alignment that happens to bring us together in all our relationships in order to grow and learn together, and denying what is on offer (no matter how difficult it may seem at first) will most likely result in letting go of a great opportunity to evolve together. When we let each other stay in the emotional reactions of what another person does without seeing and reading the greater message or learning to be had, it can be difficult to ‘go there’, but much worth it in the end, as Henrietta has described in this blog. Henrietta,I would love to hear more about what tools of communication you learned from Universal Medicine practitioners to lay that groundwork of a more loving way in your relationship with your partner.