For many years in our marriage relationship there was very little true intimacy between my husband and I as we know and feel it today, although at the time we would not have questioned the fact that we were in a loving relationship. We unconsciously measured our level of intimacy on how often we performed the sexual act, which at the time we felt was ‘making love.’
At that time, this mode of loving relationship felt quite normal as my women friends and I frequently shared about how tired we were and we talked about our declining ‘sex lives’ often in a humorous way, without truly feeling the sadness within as a result of this lack of connection. Many of us were in paid employment and had young children and we supported each other in the normality of how we were living.
I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact, and this type of thinking was supported in many of the women’s magazines and ‘agony aunt’ columns at that time. If we did not have sex often, I could always feel the tension building up in my husband, reflected in his moods and stresses.
To the outsider it looked as though we had a very good and satisfying marriage and on many levels this was true as we both loved each other and were committed to caring and providing a great environment for our children. Unfortunately, at the time we did not understand the importance of truly caring for and loving ourselves, and how pivotal this was in growing our own relationship.
Let’s fast forward now to 15 years later – my husband and I are now living in an amazing loving relationship with each other, which continues to get better and better. We both have a more loving connection and a deeper understanding of ourselves as individuals – and as a couple – and we are always discovering ways to take this deeper, even if at times it is painful for either or both of us to admit to the other the imperfections or unhealthy habits which may surface.
We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply. This is not about perfection as there is always more to explore, but this exposure has allowed us to experience a joy and togetherness in our relationship that we had not felt before.
The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.
We now have a marker in our relationship of what is possible and when we stray from this marker, which we do at times, we are able to bring ourselves back to a point of loving understanding much more quickly. After all, none of us wants to live in a disharmonious way with our partner, even though I, like so many of us, had been told many times over the years that arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship!
With this new understanding, we can feel how in the early days of our marriage that when we had sex it was about seeking relief and solace from the inner emptiness we both were feeling. Without a deeper understanding of self-love and true intimacy, we sought the physical closeness of the sexual act to fill this need, which of course it never did.
Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present.
We are forever appreciating the loving support and reflections we have from those truly divine counsellors Gabrielle Caplice and Annette Baker, as there is always more to explore and we now both do not hold back from going there.
Published with permission of my gorgeous husband, Peter Campbell.
By Anne Hishon, New Zealand
Further Reading:
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love or Have Sex?’
Sex, Marriage and Children – Have You Got It All?
Sex and Making Love
434 Comments
So many of us hide our inner emptiness and instead expect another to bring the fullness that we deny ourselves. I have discovered that the more I am prepared to love and commit to myself then I don’t need someone to prop me up or take care of me. I can take care of myself this takes any relationship I have to another level where there is no imposition on anyone this allows the relationship to be open and honest with no deceit or hidden needs, no should and should not’s, it’s a completely different way of being.
My husband and I laugh so so much, we are always joking with one another, this to me is magic and what sets the scene for any form of physical touch.
Building a loving, tender and intimate relationship with ourselves brings an equal loving, tender and intimate relationship with another.
“If we did not have sex often, I could always feel the tension building up in my husband, reflected in his moods and stresses.”
What you are really saying is that your husband used sex as a way of reliving himself of the emotion he was in. And many men do this and woman feel this and know it is happening and play along with it but at the same time resenting it because there is no connection beyond the physicality no true intimacy just relief. Basically it is an emotional dumping of energy into the woman, but have we stopped to consider how that effects women?
Having a relationship based on filling needs and seeking relief put me right off for many years. These days I look forward to being in a relationship without needing ‘a better half’ or someone to ‘complete me’. Being in relationships that seek to remove expectations and investments, needs and demands for others to fill us are some of the best I’ve ever experienced.
Intimacy is super imperative in every relationship as is appreciation, as when we appreciate we are seeing our divinity first and then this is also seen in another and this is bringing a Truly-intimate relationship with everyone.
In the past, after sex I always felt like something had been taken away from me, that feeling of emptiness, of being used to satisfy another person’s self-centered needs always made me feel sad to a point where I was not even interest in sex for a long time. Making love is very different, to be held in the arms of another who does not look at your body like a piece of meat, who honours every part of it and does not need you to perform in order to satisfy their desires. Even if there is no orgasm, the fulfilment is real and one can actually feel more content and satisfied than at any other time when they reached a functional orgasm.
The missing ingredient for so many wanting to be in a truly loving relationship is loving ourselves and it is only when we understand this that we have the opportunity to deepen our relationship with our partners.
“Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present” Super inspiring Anne. Thank you for sharing.
I love your honesty here Anne. I am starting to understand more than whenever something is an ‘effort’ particularly in a relationship then it is time to stop and feel what is going on.
This blog is beautiful to read, how your relationship has come alive, and deepened, ‘The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.’
Anne, this is really lovely to read and feels truly loving and supportive of each other; ‘The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact.’
Great article, as so many people out there are still measuring the quality of their relationship based on how often they are making love physically, when there are so many other ways to connect and go deeper.
The partner we find ourselves in relationship with is the perfect partner to the finest detail to support us and them to grow. Do we say ‘yes’ to all that has been offered for an expansion and deepening of the love in the relationship or do we give up, put up a fight or even walk away? – The choice is always in our hands.
Being in a relationship can come with so many pictures, expectations, and ideals about what intimacy is and how we should be in the relationship. Breaking these constraints and restrictions is the most supporting and loving thing we can offer ourselves and each other. It frees us to be ourselves and connect to the true way of being intimate and loving.
Anne, thankyou for being so open and candid about your relationship with your husband and sharing with us how much it has deepened since you began to understand the true meaning of making love. To have a relationship that brings the same quality to sex, and equally important as everything else that you do together is deeply inspiring.
When we don’t care for ourselves as deeply as we know we can an inner tension builds which can become a frustration, that asks for relief and sex is often used to quell this frustration.
Loving and caring for ourselves first and foremost is an important part of any relationship, ‘at the time we did not understand the importance of truly caring for and loving ourselves, and how pivotal this was in growing our own relationship.’
How cool is that when we surrender to ourselves and deepen this relationship we can then have this with our partners.
Very cool Natalie, this is the opposite of what we commonly think how connection to works, we often seek to deepen from the outside but it is from within that true connection is sustainable and forever expanding. Approaching intimacy and connection the other way around is like walking through life back to front. So, no wonder it can feel difficult, we bump into things and feel like we are not getting anywhere as it restricts our true movement.
Anne, I love this and feel how important these moments of connection are for building a loving, intimate relationship; ‘from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.’
Your blog really makes me stop and consider what we might be accepting that is much less than what it could potentially be – I see so many married couples that don’t seem happy with each other and I wonder how many people actually gauge their relationship on the fact it’s still functioning rather than it being exquisitely loving.
This is a very beautiful offering of how we can deepen our relationship by bring greater true intimacy into our lives. Do we bring love to every interaction we share with our partners or do we ‘save’ it for the bedroom? I have discovered through my own exploration that when we bring the deep quality of love we hold for ourselves, to how we are with our partners throughout the day, when we then come together physically to make love it is a deep confirmation of the quality of love we have been living and building together. There is no need at play, just a beautiful surrender and a deepening of what has been lived, as we have been making love all day through how we are together in our day to day living.
It is amazing to have been witness to the change and growth within your relationship and how you now no longer hold this back from the world. It is clear that true relationships are not always going to be rosy and fun. There will be challenging moments but this is all part of the expansion and deepening a true relationship offers. Without that it is merely at best an arrangement.
Understanding, true understanding helps in any situation for there is always an energy to read. To then move from a deeper place within oneself that sets us free from the prision we have created to be in: lovelessness, creation. Which is the opposite of the truth we are and know to be.
“Sex and Intimacy – a Journey of Understanding” – without understanding there is no love let alone intimacy; instead there’s just function the same as “having sex”.
We seek intimacy from the special ‘one’. We are close but not quite right because it’s us who are the ones who bring intimacy alive – and share it then with everyone we meet. You can’t guard Love, for life’s about letting other people in.
“I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact…” – if anything requires effort which is an expending of energy to tire or exhaust, then that says it all. Making love, which is simply living with another in joy and harmonious connection requires no effort and can be 24/7.
So wisely said Zofia – if effort is required then it is not love, as love is the deepest confirmation of who we are and when surrendered to has an effortless flow to its divine quality.
It is beautiful to have this foundation of love and connection with our partner so when something (hurtful) happens in life or in the relationship we can feel held and understood in dealing with it. A relationship like that is a great playground to learn how to heal and understand.
Anne, you and your partner Peter are going against the trend , the considered norm. Very inspiring to explore bringing true intimacy into your everyday lives and not limiting to the bed room.
Connection and understanding is the basis of a foundational relationship. By us first having this with ourselves and then with our partners and all other relationships. The key is how much are we prepared to be transparent within ourselves to the depths of where we come from.
We assume that as a marriage ages the intimacy levels go down. But this sharing shows how we can continue to deepen our intimacy levels and our relationships in many more ways than physical.
It’s probably true that a lot, if not most, consider a healthy and successful relationship is one that involves frequent sex and that sex is an act that brings relief and a continuing marker that everything is allright. I love how you have shown that this is not it and never can be, that this cannot address our needs, and there is so much more on offer. “We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply. This is not about perfection as there is always more to explore, but this exposure has allowed us to experience a joy and togetherness in our relationship that we had not felt before.”