• Home
  • Blog
    • Healthy Lifestyle
    • Relationships
    • Health Problems
    • Social Issues
  • Comments Policy
  • Links
  • Terms of Use
  • Subscribe to the Blog
Everyday Livingness
Relationships, Sex & Making Love 477 Comments on Sex and Intimacy – a Journey of Understanding

Sex and Intimacy – a Journey of Understanding

By Anne Hishon · On March 27, 2018 ·Photography by Dean Whitling

For many years in our marriage relationship there was very little true intimacy between my husband and I as we know and feel it today, although at the time we would not have questioned the fact that we were in a loving relationship. We unconsciously measured our level of intimacy on how often we performed the sexual act, which at the time we felt was ‘making love.’

At that time, this mode of loving relationship felt quite normal as my women friends and I frequently shared about how tired we were and we talked about our declining ‘sex lives’ often in a humorous way, without truly feeling the sadness within as a result of this lack of connection. Many of us were in paid employment and had young children and we supported each other in the normality of how we were living.

I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact, and this type of thinking was supported in many of the women’s magazines and ‘agony aunt’ columns at that time. If we did not have sex often, I could always feel the tension building up in my husband, reflected in his moods and stresses.

To the outsider it looked as though we had a very good and satisfying marriage and on many levels this was true as we both loved each other and were committed to caring and providing a great environment for our children. Unfortunately, at the time we did not understand the importance of truly caring for and loving ourselves, and how pivotal this was in growing our own relationship.

Let’s fast forward now to 15 years later – my husband and I are now living in an amazing loving relationship with each other, which continues to get better and better. We both have a more loving connection and a deeper understanding of ourselves as individuals – and as a couple – and we are always discovering ways to take this deeper, even if at times it is painful for either or both of us to admit to the other the imperfections or unhealthy habits which may surface.

We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply. This is not about perfection as there is always more to explore, but this exposure has allowed us to experience a joy and togetherness in our relationship that we had not felt before.

The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.

We now have a marker in our relationship of what is possible and when we stray from this marker, which we do at times, we are able to bring ourselves back to a point of loving understanding much more quickly. After all, none of us wants to live in a disharmonious way with our partner, even though I, like so many of us, had been told many times over the years that arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship!

With this new understanding, we can feel how in the early days of our marriage that when we had sex it was about seeking relief and solace from the inner emptiness we both were feeling. Without a deeper understanding of self-love and true intimacy, we sought the physical closeness of the sexual act to fill this need, which of course it never did.

Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present.

We are forever appreciating the loving support and reflections we have from those truly divine counsellors Gabrielle Caplice and Annette Baker, as there is always more to explore and we now both do not hold back from going there.

Published with permission of my gorgeous husband, Peter Campbell.

By Anne Hishon, New Zealand

Further Reading:
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love or Have Sex?’ 
Sex, Marriage and Children – Have You Got It All?
Sex and Making Love

Share

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Google
  • LinkedIn
  • More
  • Email
  • StumbleUpon
  • Tumblr
  • Pinterest
Share Tweet

Anne Hishon

Living in New Zealand with my gorgeous husband and 2 boys is pretty awesome. During the day I connect with lots of older people in the community in my job as a nurse and I am very lucky to work with a great team of supportive women. I enjoy walks with my family and our dog Leo, and in our hunt for dog friendly parks and walkways, we are constantly reminded of the beautiful place in which we live.

You Might Also Like

  • Communication

    Expressing the Unexpressed

  • Family

    Interparental Hatred on Separation

  • Family

    The Photo

477 Comments

  • Mary says: February 7, 2020 at 5:20 pm

    So many of us hide our inner emptiness and instead expect another to bring the fullness that we deny ourselves. I have discovered that the more I am prepared to love and commit to myself then I don’t need someone to prop me up or take care of me. I can take care of myself this takes any relationship I have to another level where there is no imposition on anyone this allows the relationship to be open and honest with no deceit or hidden needs, no should and should not’s, it’s a completely different way of being.

    Reply
  • SLC says: October 20, 2019 at 6:43 am

    My husband and I laugh so so much, we are always joking with one another, this to me is magic and what sets the scene for any form of physical touch.

    Reply
  • Mary Adler says: October 8, 2019 at 2:48 pm

    Building a loving, tender and intimate relationship with ourselves brings an equal loving, tender and intimate relationship with another.

    Reply
  • Mary says: September 12, 2019 at 6:08 pm

    “If we did not have sex often, I could always feel the tension building up in my husband, reflected in his moods and stresses.”
    What you are really saying is that your husband used sex as a way of reliving himself of the emotion he was in. And many men do this and woman feel this and know it is happening and play along with it but at the same time resenting it because there is no connection beyond the physicality no true intimacy just relief. Basically it is an emotional dumping of energy into the woman, but have we stopped to consider how that effects women?

    Reply
  • Leigh Matson says: August 18, 2019 at 5:29 pm

    Having a relationship based on filling needs and seeking relief put me right off for many years. These days I look forward to being in a relationship without needing ‘a better half’ or someone to ‘complete me’. Being in relationships that seek to remove expectations and investments, needs and demands for others to fill us are some of the best I’ve ever experienced.

    Reply
  • Greg Barnes says: August 15, 2019 at 5:04 am

    Intimacy is super imperative in every relationship as is appreciation, as when we appreciate we are seeing our divinity first and then this is also seen in another and this is bringing a Truly-intimate relationship with everyone.

    Reply
  • Viktoria says: July 30, 2019 at 2:34 pm

    In the past, after sex I always felt like something had been taken away from me, that feeling of emptiness, of being used to satisfy another person’s self-centered needs always made me feel sad to a point where I was not even interest in sex for a long time. Making love is very different, to be held in the arms of another who does not look at your body like a piece of meat, who honours every part of it and does not need you to perform in order to satisfy their desires. Even if there is no orgasm, the fulfilment is real and one can actually feel more content and satisfied than at any other time when they reached a functional orgasm.

    Reply
  • Helen Elliott says: March 29, 2019 at 8:02 am

    The missing ingredient for so many wanting to be in a truly loving relationship is loving ourselves and it is only when we understand this that we have the opportunity to deepen our relationship with our partners.

    Reply
  • « 1 … 8 9 10

    Leave a reply Cancel reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

    Search

    Subscribe

    Recent Posts

    • Expressing the Unexpressed
    • Has the Plague Ever Truly Left Us?
    • Food Choices, My Body and Me
    • Interparental Hatred on Separation
    • Redefining ‘Food for Thought’

    Categories

    • Health Problems (6)
      • Dementia (1)
      • Digestive Issues (1)
      • Eating disorders (3)
      • Fatigue/Exhaustion (1)
      • Migraines (1)
    • Healthy Lifestyle (91)
      • Drug Abuse (3)
      • Exercise & Sport (25)
      • Healthy diet (26)
      • Music (1)
      • Quitting alcohol (13)
      • Quitting coffee (2)
      • Quitting smoking (6)
      • Quitting Sugar (4)
      • Safe driving (2)
      • Sleep (5)
      • TV / Technology (11)
      • Weight Loss (2)
      • Work (2)
    • Relationships (148)
      • Colleagues (2)
      • Communication (11)
      • Couples (33)
      • Family (29)
      • Friendships (19)
      • Male Relationships (6)
      • Parenting (27)
      • Self-Relationship (40)
      • Sex & Making Love (6)
      • Workplace (12)
    • Social Issues (50)
      • Death & Dying (8)
      • Education (14)
      • Global Issues (8)
      • Greed/Corruption (1)
      • Money (3)
      • Pornography (1)
      • Sexism (14)
      • Tattoos & Removal (1)

    Archives

    • October 2020
    • May 2020
    • April 2020
    • February 2020
    • January 2020
    • December 2019
    • November 2019
    • August 2019
    • July 2019
    • May 2019
    • April 2019
    • February 2019
    • January 2019
    • December 2018
    • November 2018
    • October 2018
    • September 2018
    • July 2018
    • June 2018
    • May 2018
    • April 2018
    • March 2018
    • February 2018
    • January 2018
    • November 2017
    • October 2017
    • September 2017
    • August 2017
    • July 2017
    • June 2017
    • May 2017
    • April 2017
    • March 2017
    • February 2017
    • January 2017
    • December 2016
    • November 2016
    • October 2016
    • September 2016
    • August 2016
    • July 2016
    • June 2016
    • May 2016
    • April 2016
    • March 2016
    • January 2016
    • December 2015
    • November 2015
    • October 2015
    • September 2015
    • August 2015
    • July 2015
    • June 2015
    • May 2015
    • April 2015
    • March 2015
    • February 2015
    • January 2015
    • December 2014
    • November 2014
    • October 2014
    • September 2014
    • August 2014
    • July 2014
    • June 2014
    • May 2014
    • April 2014
    • March 2014
    • February 2014
    • January 2014
    • November 2013
    • Home
    • Blog
      • Healthy Lifestyle
      • Relationships
      • Health Problems
      • Social Issues
    • Comments Policy
    • Links
    • Terms of Use
    • Subscribe to the Blog
    loading Cancel
    Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
    Email check failed, please try again
    Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.