For many years in our marriage relationship there was very little true intimacy between my husband and I as we know and feel it today, although at the time we would not have questioned the fact that we were in a loving relationship. We unconsciously measured our level of intimacy on how often we performed the sexual act, which at the time we felt was ‘making love.’
At that time, this mode of loving relationship felt quite normal as my women friends and I frequently shared about how tired we were and we talked about our declining ‘sex lives’ often in a humorous way, without truly feeling the sadness within as a result of this lack of connection. Many of us were in paid employment and had young children and we supported each other in the normality of how we were living.
I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact, and this type of thinking was supported in many of the women’s magazines and ‘agony aunt’ columns at that time. If we did not have sex often, I could always feel the tension building up in my husband, reflected in his moods and stresses.
To the outsider it looked as though we had a very good and satisfying marriage and on many levels this was true as we both loved each other and were committed to caring and providing a great environment for our children. Unfortunately, at the time we did not understand the importance of truly caring for and loving ourselves, and how pivotal this was in growing our own relationship.
Let’s fast forward now to 15 years later – my husband and I are now living in an amazing loving relationship with each other, which continues to get better and better. We both have a more loving connection and a deeper understanding of ourselves as individuals – and as a couple – and we are always discovering ways to take this deeper, even if at times it is painful for either or both of us to admit to the other the imperfections or unhealthy habits which may surface.
We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply. This is not about perfection as there is always more to explore, but this exposure has allowed us to experience a joy and togetherness in our relationship that we had not felt before.
The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.
We now have a marker in our relationship of what is possible and when we stray from this marker, which we do at times, we are able to bring ourselves back to a point of loving understanding much more quickly. After all, none of us wants to live in a disharmonious way with our partner, even though I, like so many of us, had been told many times over the years that arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship!
With this new understanding, we can feel how in the early days of our marriage that when we had sex it was about seeking relief and solace from the inner emptiness we both were feeling. Without a deeper understanding of self-love and true intimacy, we sought the physical closeness of the sexual act to fill this need, which of course it never did.
Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present.
We are forever appreciating the loving support and reflections we have from those truly divine counsellors Gabrielle Caplice and Annette Baker, as there is always more to explore and we now both do not hold back from going there.
Published with permission of my gorgeous husband, Peter Campbell.
By Anne Hishon, New Zealand
Further Reading:
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love or Have Sex?’
Sex, Marriage and Children – Have You Got It All?
Sex and Making Love
417 Comments
Great article with many pearls of wisdom in it. It exposes also the many ill ideals that society sends our way: like the fact you should have sex once a week, even though we don’t really want it, it is adopted as a normal, while we do know that there is a difference between sex and making love, and we don’t want sex, we want to make love.
This completely changes the goalposts of the pictures we can carry, Anne, and when we drop those, we can feel the love and intimacy in relationships without any sex at all. The physical act of making love simply complements that relationship.
Do we ever stop to consider that the tension and the build-up in a man from everyday life should not be relieved by the act of using his partner for relief? And the same applies to women and same-sex partners.
When we drop our protection and allow the real us out and allow real love in miracles just have to happen.
A gorgeous sharing Anne, expressing what true intimacy is all about “The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.”
Having a marker of intimacy in our relationships is so useful, because then we can feel it straight away when we have dropped from that or deepened the relationship further.
Intimacy is a word that has been turned upside down and inside out, to the point where it no longer represents the simple beauty of openness with another.
The expression of relationship with each other is only as true as the relationship we have with ourselves.
If we are honest, having sex is a pick up – a high we seek. Making love feels more like a confirmation of everything that has been completed and something that is impossible to fake.
Anne, this is really gorgeous; ‘Let’s fast forward now to 15 years later – my husband and I are now living in an amazing loving relationship with each other, which continues to get better and better’. Reading it makes me realise how rarely I hear of relationships getting better and better, very often it is the other way around, that relationships are fun and loving and first and then the ‘honeymoon period’ dies off and function and boredom set in. Your relationship is a great reflection to show what is possible.
“… in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections” – yes and how come then why your described intimacy Anne, does not lead to having sex and the relief effect that happens as a result of not having the prior every moment intimacy you speak of. When there is such intimacy then sex can become the making of love and the confirming celebration of the already union it naturally is.
“The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day” when we start to see our relationship as a constant opportunity to evolution, for deepening and for reflecting to each other the fact we are from the stars we get to appreciate what you share here, that is true intimacy is throughout every moment we have.
Anne, I have found what you are sharing here to be very supportive in my relationship. I now love these moments of intimacy such as a loving touch as we pass each other and a hug first thing in the morning; ‘The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact.’ Thank you for the inspiration. I can feel how easy it is to slip into function and taking each other for granted and so it is beautiful to share these moments of intimacy together.
There is an honouring of each other in intimacy, stopping and listening to the other person, having a connection with them much more than the physical, and a respect that we are equals on our own journeys but choosing to meet each other together.
I love your raw honesty in this Anne, not many couples can be so honest and go where you and your husband have gone. Its just not something that is ‘normal’ in our society.
My husband and I have also had support from Annette and Gabe and they are flipping fantastic – we have over time allowed ourselves to grow deeper in love which can feel a little scary at times but overall learning to love and let love in is super super amazing.
True intimacy is allowing another to see all of you without even taking your clothes off.
Its true that when someone talks about an intimate relationship with someone then sex is often assumed but we do a great injustice to the quality of intimacy if we allow ourselves to think along those lines for, as you share here, intimacy is so much more than that. And if sex is an action of making love then it is like a celebration of our intimacy, a natural joyful union.
Intimacy can be in any moment with anybody. It does not necessarily mean having sex. If the quality that we are moving in is loving then anything we do and any interactions we have will be loving. It makes total sense.
A relationship is not guarded by a picture. An engagement or a wedding. The truth is it is felt in our connection. First. When we first feel it and then move according to what is felt, it is then true.
So true Anne, we hold ourselves in our hurts with a big layer or layers of protection so when you find yourself in a relationship be it partner, colleague, family member, friend, housemate, anyone that is willing to lovingly explore what is not of our all embracing love it certainly is going to get intimate. What I have clocked is the stages of willingness then coming to an unknown where you haven’t opened up like that before the best thing is to voice what we are feeling.
“We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply” – just beautiful, allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable, fragile, expressive, communicative of ourselves and whilst in the company of another, our partner, is what truly grows and deepens the relationship to the next level.
Thank you for sharing Anne. I agree it is important to ‘not hold back going there’; after nearly 30 years of being married our relationship is developing more intimacy, honesty and transparency and like you have stated Anne, there is always more.
I love what you are saying here about setting a standard of love that supports you both in your relationship and also understanding that there is no perfection but sensing when you have ‘dropped the ball’ so to speak on your intimacy and tenderness and simply being honest with each other to come back to the love you know you have together. Very beautiful.
“Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present.” The release from the tension of the frequency of making love is tremendously freeing, allowing for so much more space in the relationship, which can only occur from the deepening of intimacy and transparency.
The true beauty of making love is that it is certainly not reserved to the bedroom but rather is a confirmation of our movements and connections made with love, originating from our connection to the love we are within first, as such can be lives through our living day. Every day then presents an opportunity to deepen our relationship with love for our selves and with our partner, and with this, every day feels like a new beginning to the relationship as there is, as you say, always more to explore. Evolution is the greatest way to keep a marriage or relationship developing with realness and aliveness.
Sex without intimacy is cold poison to a body and being that is, or is looking for its own natural course of warmth; its fiery ember connection. When there is intimacy, the embers burn a lifetime.
I remember when I was growing up that in a relationship sex and making love was not something that was communicated about intimately with our partners. Every women’s magazine I opened talked about pleasing the man mostly on guessing what the guy would like not from talking about it or if we as women ourselves would enjoy it. And if there was talking about sex and what each person liked with the partners there was more of a superficiality about it. A ‘he said he wants me to do this…’. It is beautiful how you have been able to deepen your relationship with making love with your partner by being more open with each other in every part of your lives which translates to the bedroom too. And how it all starts with a relationship with yourself because how can you communicate intimately with your partner when you don’t know yourself?
Well said Lieke, the intimacy has to start first with oneself.
Beautiful Anne. You expose also the many ideals that society cast at us what is supposed to be healthy relationship. “If you have sex once a week, your relationship is healthy” or “If you have sex every day your relationship is fantastic” – if the sex is not based on true love making it does not mean a thing and can be even called abuse because it comes with an energy that is harming.
I have found that intimacy with my partner starts with the relationship I have with myself and how deep I am willing to go. The more love I have for myself, the more love I have for him.
So true for you cannot offer another an empty cup and expect them to feel replenished by it.
Anne, thanks for sharing this; ‘We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried’. This is a beautiful description of true intimacy. I can feel how important it is to be open and honest in relationships and how often we hold onto our hurts and stop the intimacy and evolution that is possible and that relationships can then get stuck.
When I read your blog Anne I get the impression that sex is often used as a relief or great moment to make up for the misery or stresses of every day life, but the way you are describing it here feels very different. That it could be a confirmation or continuation or celebration of a quality that has already been there during the rest of the day.
‘intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.’ Very beautiful Anne.
If we’re not intimate with ourselves how can we be intimate with anyone else? If we ignore the calls of our body it’s just not truly possible to adore another. We just pursue distraction from our disconnection.
One thing that is truly foundational in a relationship is creating a marker. Once that marker is acknowledged and claimed it provides a platform that is easier accessible. It never goes away if it is appreciated and accepted in the body as a new foundation of truth and love.
This is gorgeous Anne. There are so many false ideals around sex that many mistake for ‘reality’ or the ‘facts’ but deep down we always know that our natural way of being intimate with a partner is so much more than a physical act.
I feel the reason why we don’t question that we are in a loving relationship is that we compare with the norm in society. If we tick those boxes, then we must be doing ok! For society it is success if you stay together, rarely argue, appear to like each other and still have sex occasionally. Whereas what Anne speaks of is a lot deeper than this. It feels like there is no picture that you reach and sit contentedly forever after. It is a commitment to keep loving yourself and your partner more and being open to that not looking like what society is is good enough.
Togetherness is such a great word. It says that we are together in union, with harmony and with understanding. It says that beyond the highs and excitements of sex, first of all we are together in appreciation. I love this word, and I love how it can be applied to the whole population of the whole world. As we are all here together.
I have found I can avoid intimacy, I say I want it yet my behaviours and actions can say other wise, learning why I avoid this is a healing in itself. Many of us are unaware we are walking around blocking intimacy and love from others.
This is so honest Sam, that we can say we want intimacy, but our movements don’t show this. It proves that actions speak louder than words. When we can observe this, we get to understand and learn to change our movements through the greater awareness of our bodies which will develop the intimacy we crave.
If we lived our lives in the truth of who we in essence actually are, our life would be so much richer in every aspect. A very wise observation when considering the barriers we put up for having something we crave like intimacy that “learning why I avoid this is a healing in itself”.
We need to approach every area of life like this, otherwise we remain puppets in a dynamic which we are choosing to stay blind and unaware in.
Imagine turning up empty handed at the bank expecting them to give you money when you had none. Well, why do we arrive at night with our lover expecting it to be explosive – having lived no love? There is no credit card or loan that can make you full inside.
Love this analogy and your comment here Joseph. If we do not live love the rest of the day the best we can hope for from sex is a temporary relief or distraction from the tension or emptiness of knowing deep inside we are not living the love that we naturally know we are made of. However when we live love then when it comes to sex we are confirming and celebrating the fullness of what is already there and I know for me it feels very different to have sex in this way from a fullness rather than from an emptiness.
Absolutely, if there is no love lived in the day it can only be sex. Interestingly making love does not involve making anything as the love is already there lived, just shared and celebrated with our partner.
Good point Jenny, no doing just being and loving in every moment.