For many years in our marriage relationship there was very little true intimacy between my husband and I as we know and feel it today, although at the time we would not have questioned the fact that we were in a loving relationship. We unconsciously measured our level of intimacy on how often we performed the sexual act, which at the time we felt was ‘making love.’
At that time, this mode of loving relationship felt quite normal as my women friends and I frequently shared about how tired we were and we talked about our declining ‘sex lives’ often in a humorous way, without truly feeling the sadness within as a result of this lack of connection. Many of us were in paid employment and had young children and we supported each other in the normality of how we were living.
I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact, and this type of thinking was supported in many of the women’s magazines and ‘agony aunt’ columns at that time. If we did not have sex often, I could always feel the tension building up in my husband, reflected in his moods and stresses.
To the outsider it looked as though we had a very good and satisfying marriage and on many levels this was true as we both loved each other and were committed to caring and providing a great environment for our children. Unfortunately, at the time we did not understand the importance of truly caring for and loving ourselves, and how pivotal this was in growing our own relationship.
Let’s fast forward now to 15 years later – my husband and I are now living in an amazing loving relationship with each other, which continues to get better and better. We both have a more loving connection and a deeper understanding of ourselves as individuals – and as a couple – and we are always discovering ways to take this deeper, even if at times it is painful for either or both of us to admit to the other the imperfections or unhealthy habits which may surface.
We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply. This is not about perfection as there is always more to explore, but this exposure has allowed us to experience a joy and togetherness in our relationship that we had not felt before.
The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.
We now have a marker in our relationship of what is possible and when we stray from this marker, which we do at times, we are able to bring ourselves back to a point of loving understanding much more quickly. After all, none of us wants to live in a disharmonious way with our partner, even though I, like so many of us, had been told many times over the years that arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship!
With this new understanding, we can feel how in the early days of our marriage that when we had sex it was about seeking relief and solace from the inner emptiness we both were feeling. Without a deeper understanding of self-love and true intimacy, we sought the physical closeness of the sexual act to fill this need, which of course it never did.
Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present.
We are forever appreciating the loving support and reflections we have from those truly divine counsellors Gabrielle Caplice and Annette Baker, as there is always more to explore and we now both do not hold back from going there.
Published with permission of my gorgeous husband, Peter Campbell.
By Anne Hishon, New Zealand
Further Reading:
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love or Have Sex?’
Sex, Marriage and Children – Have You Got It All?
Sex and Making Love
334 Comments
We can be intimate in so many ways that aren’t physical when we are truly connected with ourselves – and then that quality we take into our connection with others.
Sometimes I turn off my intimacy when I feel hurt and need time to recollect. In nominating what hurts me, I return to movements that support me.
I have felt the same obligations in relationships as you describe here in my past too, Anne, and it feels so ugly, imposing and being imposed on, abusive and abusing, totally unloving behaviour. Feeling intimacy and connection changes everything.
A beautiful sharing and honouring of true intimacy and the sharing of this as part of our every day in our relationships movements and connections from the smallest gesture deeply beautiful touching and felt. Quality is everything as is a life based on love.
I have seen some relationships that tick the box of physical touch and yet seem to lack any true love and I have seen others where the love is expressed in every look and word and whilst it may be expressed physically it doesn’t rely on that alone
It is lovely to read about intimacy as a way of life and not just a grabbed at moment of tumbling between the sheets at night. Intimacy can be sweet and precious, it can be honouring of each person and delicate in its touch. Intimacy can be in the lightest breath breathed in the presence of another.
I appreciate your honesty here Anne and find it crazy that this is how women felt and maybe how some still feel today
‘I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact’. Anything like this just exposes how it is not a true relationship at all.
Vicky thats so true, it does make us think what is sex and what is love., what is making love and why do we settle for sex?
Accepting where we are at and where others are at feels like an important aspect to nature and environment where intimacy can flourish. Acceptance offers space, this is not where you do not call out what feels untrue, but we hold one another in an understanding and communicate holding what does feel true about each other.
Making love can be in the kitchen, in passing, at work, at play, at the dining table and in the bedroom. It is a quality of connection and intimacy and not a physical act, and its beautiful to be reminded of that Anne.
… and that making love does not have to be a physical or non physical act just between partners it can actually be with anyone. For me making love is about holding another as an absolute equal with no agenda, no protection, no barriers but instead allowing intimacy through true connection. Something I am continually learning ✨
I can feel how it’s about a consistency in openly sharing the essence of who we are, no holding back. Absolutely cherishing every cell in our sexy, sassy body and brining our all to everything whilst equally deeply appreciating the exquisiteness in those around us, again, no holding back.
Making love is… “… a quality of connection and intimacy and not a physical act…” beautifully said Simon. This also brings such a simplicity … that life and love is all about true connection.