I read an article recently where the writer spoke about how as teens, he and his mates viewed and judged women; either as a possible sexual conquest, or, on the other hand, as not being attractive enough to warrant their sexual attention, and so looked upon these women as not good enough and someone to tease. Therefore, in my experience, for many people, both men and women, sexual energy is being used as a way of connecting to a person – or a way of putting a person down.
From what he wrote I know that this writer no longer looks at women in this way. I can feel in his writing that he now sees us women for the beautiful and powerful people we truly are. He is now simply seeing us as people, not someone to look down upon, or think that we are in any way less than men. This is truly inspiring. Reading what he exposed about how this sexual energy was for him, has opened a wound of my own.
Sexual Tension: My Relationship with Men
You see, as a teenager I enjoyed male company, but I always felt that there was an element of sexual tension in any interaction and relationship with men; therefore I felt that I could not actually deepen any friendships with men, as to me that meant that you had to ‘go there’ (sexually) with them.
Now it would be easy to say that the sexual energy and tension was all coming from the males in my life, but it wasn’t. I can remember actively encouraging this attention from the males that I was interested in. And I can also remember ‘feeling good’ if they showed a sexual interest in me. However, I always ran a mile straight after feeling this. But what about in my relationships with men when I felt this attention from a male that I wasn’t interested in? Then it felt dirty, sleazy, imposing and made me feel in some way inferior. To be honest, I also felt this way even when I felt this sexual energy coming from a man I was interested in.
So I sat with this for a while and asked the question: why did I actively seek this attention? What is it about me that actually let this sexual energy into my body?
Sexual Imposition: Not Feeling Good Enough
The awareness that has come to me is that I didn’t feel I was good enough. I was looking for some sort of marker that I was good enough and yet the kicker… every time that I felt this type of attention for a split second I felt “yeah, I am good enough”, only to then have that energy inside of me making me feel dirty, sleazy and slutty, to then have myself believe that this is what I was (dirty, sleazy, slutty). It dropped me to a further depth in the belief that I was not good enough.
Wow!… as I write this I am beginning to realise just how much this has affected me in the way I have lived my life.
I can feel now that every time I found myself in a male’s company – whether it be friend, relative, acquaintance, essentially any male company – my body hardened into a protective, ‘ready to defend’ stance, and this is then how I interacted with the male. It hurts to say, but as a result of not feeling good enough I never actually saw any man as another human being, someone to simply love, but as someone who was going to in some way sexually impose on me.
I now take full responsibility for the sexual imposition that I placed on the men as well… because it was an imposition to actively seek sexual attention from them. I can now also see where this energy has played out with my female friends; how it has fostered competition and comparison in my interaction with women.
Taking Full Responsibility and Choosing Love
It is very humbling to watch this sexual energy play out in everyday life and to take full responsibility for having played into it. It is also very empowering to now be able to feel it, nominate it, and to choose to not be a part of it.
Now, as I reclaim the beautiful, vibrant, sexy woman that I am, I can feel that my relationships with men and my interaction with men and women is changing; it is becoming simple, accepting and honouring for both them and myself. I can now feel an equality and I no longer feel inferior to men. As I expose the ‘not good enough’ energy and now walk in my tenderness and love and deepen this tenderness and love in my life every day, I can now truly enjoy the company of people, both males and females.
If I feel any sexual energy, I take full responsibility, and simply nominate that I have felt it and choose to stay with my love. If I do fall into it, I no longer give in to the belief that I am not good enough – I choose to hold strong the love that I have inside and with this love I seek to heal the part of me that let it in.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and my choice to change the way I was living.
By Leigh Strack, Eungella, QLDThis blog originated as a comment inspired by the blog: To Be a True Man: My Journey of Choices, Responsibility & Freedom
It has been an eye opener to be in the company of men and to listen to their attitude of prostitution. They were saying that men use this service as it makes them feel better about themselves that they have ‘scored’ or if they have an attractive young woman sitting opposite them it’s like a trophy that they can use to gloat over other men, a non verbal look at me. This service can also be used to relieve the tension of daily life. But it seems to me that both the man and the woman are getting something out of this interaction. It confirms to me that we are completely loveless towards each other and completely wayward that we can treat each other with so little respect and decency.
The belief that we are not good enough I feel runs deep especially in women is it possible that it is an energetic carry over from life times of living in a male dominated society that has the women as a second class citizen. And not cherished for all the beauty that they naturally are.
In this way I can think that I am over being not good enough and then my body shows me another deeper layer of a lack of self worth that needs to be healed as it is like a layer of silt that hides the love we seek within.
When we disconnect from the love that we are we settle for striving to be ‘good’ or ‘good enough’ but it never lasts. Why settle for being good when I can be the love that I am?
I was recently in the company of a lovely man but he had this sexual energy that was very unpleasant and I felt very uncomfortable around him. I knew it was an energy coming through him and wondered if it was the only way he knew how to connect to women because it was very possible he was lonely and is it possible that in our loneliness we become desperate for attention to just be loved for who we are but by using that sexual energy it is a false way of being because it repels people rather than connecting with them. How do we have these sorts of conversations with men and women as we are very sensitive so that we don’t retreat into our shells?
That ‘not good enough’ affliction keeps us away from the natural beauty of who we are.
The phrase ‘It takes two to tango’ is apt here. It’s never one sided and both people play a part and are responsible for what happens in a relationship. But blaming the other or self doesn’t heal the situation. If I understand why I played the part I have/do then there’s a greater willingness to change and be responsible if my contribution is not loving.
Great sharing Leigh and it resonates strongly with me on many levels. To be aware of that energy and to call it out for what it is and that it actually comes back to the lack of appreciation for ourselves is a great reminder to keep building our own self-love and worth, because then we have some thing that it truly worth sharing with another.
Bringing our love to every situation and everyone gives us a simple purpose, ‘As I expose the ‘not good enough’ energy and now walk in my tenderness and love and deepen this tenderness and love in my life every day, I can now truly enjoy the company of people, both males and females.’
In my experience, trying to connect with men from sexual energy, has actually separated me from them, because there was a need behind that energy, that is, the need of recognition and false adoration, the need of external approval of my own values, … all of this using men as the ‘confirmators’ of my beauty. This is not love at all and so, there can’t be any encounter at all.
Since some time now, I have been dealing with all of this, healing the childhood hurts that led me to give my power away to men. This has been a deep process in which I’m re-empowering myself again whilst taking responsibilty in whatever creation I participated with men. Lot of stuff emerged to honestly be seen and healed and now I can say that it’s worth to let go of those old patterns. There is nothing to yearn in the sexual tension that comes from separation (with oneself and others). On the contrary, there is so much to truly share with others (men and women) from the intimacy we daily build in our life. Then we are able to freely and truly connect with them and this is really enriching for everyone.
Sexual energy is very isolating as there can be no true equality when we are caught in this negative game but when we open ourselves to love then healing happens and all our relationships deepen.
Whilst there is great harm from sexual energy there is far greater harm from not appreciating, loving and adoring you in all the grandness and beauty you truly are.
Every time we expose that “not good enough energy” and instead claim our love and power we inspire others to do the same, and lets face there is enough “not good energy” in the world, so many people world wide do not celebrate, love and accept themselves.
If we are to evolve as human beings this simply has to change.
I agree, this has to be exposed and healed, I come across the ‘not good enough energy’ frequently with students in schools, ‘Every time we expose that “not good enough energy” and instead claim our love and power we inspire others to do the same, and lets face it there is enough “not good energy” in the world.’
There is an unspoken conversation occurring all the time with men and women, men and men, women and women and we bring in sexual energy. I know it can be habit, but it really does not support our true connection, it muddies the water in reality and gets us playing games not being who we really are.
What I am noticing more and more is that the more delicate and tender I am with men the more their tenderness comes out. It is beautiful to experience.
This is beautiful Elizabeth, and an encouragement for us to be more tender and delicate with ourselves.
It is interesting how we can all sense what is sexual tension from an early age, simply because it is an imposition upon our bodies – bodies that know what is in harmony with them and what is not. The key though is to continue to be honest about this as we grow in to adults – which is a challenge when sex becomes a way to seek intimacy and affection.
Thank you Leigh for telling the untold other side of the story when it comes to the sexual energy game that can go on between men and women. As a man I have certainly felt this pressure from women and other men to go into sexual energy and have even had my manhood or sexuality questioned when I did not want to engage or join in with it (because I have always sensed it did not feel right or respectful to project sexual energy in this way, even though I definitely joined in with it sometimes). So it is great to explore this topic in more detail and open up the conversation more so that we can bring more understanding to it to support both men and women.
Thank you for your honesty Andrew and it feels like both men and women can get caught in conforming to current societal norms of what is expected and if they hold true to themselves then the reactions they face can be challenging as others feel uncomfortable in being exposed for their lovelessness.
We can look at life on the surface or feel it’s energetic quality and tried essence. Sexual energy is just one example in how we fetishise one element to get high. It’s just a mind trip compared to the depth of divinity we can feel when we are truly open to life.
Sexual energy was very much existent in my life, and I’m still aware of how much it is around and yet to be fully free of it having any grab in my mind. Sexual energy is not honouring the true beauty of a woman — it does not last hence, the continuous looking and seeking of other women with the same intent. Making love is the ability to not hold back anything that you know is love in expression whether that be in the simplicity of the words of cherishing another or moving with grace knowing others can feel you.
Yes Leigh this is beautifully nominated and shared with us, a deeper insight we get by sharing as this is what is going on for a lot of us.. it brings us back to our own authority and it brings back our equalness.
Often we don’t explore how sexual energy from women plays out too and how women can equally use men, like you have described, to feel a need in them. I know that I have done this in the past and there has been an energy of using in it.
I also used sexual energy to attract men and get recognition.
It took me to this relation with my current partner to become aware that before I was never really able to love my ex partners. Even I loved them in my heart I couldn’t bring it out in the way love should have its flow. Since I study with Universal Medicine I started to re discover the love within, to re-connect and to bring it out to the world.
Sexual energy is a quality where we settle for physicality, an animal like desire forgetting all our true multi-dimensional power. Willfully we ignore half of who we truly are and try to make life all about the remains. Forgetting we are divine is seriously bad for our health/life. Thank you Leigh.
We can load interactions without choosing to be aware of this fact. It is a relationship with our bodies that tells us how at ease we are in interactions and therefore this is the most important relationship to develop first and foremost.
I understand this sense of sexual tension with men, and it is amazingly freedom inspiring to view this as merely a want or a need for connection, rather than an imposing force – which of course it is – but underneath it all is also a person who knows that they are worth having a valuable and loving connection with. And in my experience, this helps to melt away the tension and to settle the situation, with both of us feeling met for who we are, with no need for anything else to happen.
Beautiful Leigh, how to deal with sexual energy and what it actually is – is revealed. The opening in your case is shown and given as a perfect example. For us to now walk in the awareness of that and choose differently, coming from a worth, our within.
True love does not include need. It is great how honest and open you looked into your part, as without checking in how we constellate ourselves, our hurts we carry can never truly be healed.
So true, we get affected by the energy coming from another only when we have allowed the beliefs, ideals and desires of another into our body, but once we have we are sitting ducks for what they bring, with no true suppprt to respond as our body is full of the same energy.
So every day and how we live is so important, this steady loving consistency is the only true suppprt to be able to read and respond to the energy that comes our way.
Through what you have so honestly shared you present just how valuable it is do develop a loving and honouring relationship with ourselves, as when this is missing we are at the mercy of the mind games that play us, having us think we need to seek attention outside of ourselves by whatever means. Yet our body will always indicate what we are choosing and if these choices are honouring who we are within. For at the end of the day the love we are within is the quality of energy that represents who we are, one that supersedes anything else this world could offer.
Appreciation of that love, once felt, by choosing it over and over again brings about a true shift in how we think and feel about ourselves.
” The awareness that has come to me is that I didn’t feel I was good enough. I was looking for some sort of marker that I was good enough ”
Its quite amazing how even abuse, sexual energy in this case can be seen as confirmation of some form of worthiness
I can really relate to the want to protect myself away from men recently, but that belief that I have to protect myself assumes that attack is always going to occur when that’s not actually true. And when I am open and not holding myself back theres never a need for protection.
There are only complications on the outside and in relationship to others, when we have left ourselves. It can be a tiny reaction we still carry in our body that causes a more closed down heart than usual or a protective manner. For me it was important to trace these tiny changes in me, before it acted out in relation to another with a harshness or more distanced, protected behaviour. Sometimes it needs the interaction with another, that I realise: Ups, something is wrong, I need to stop. Because the other open-hearted state is so strong by now in my life it does stick out pretty obvious, when something is boiling in me, which is cool and can be looked at immediately.
It is bringing us all back to the true power we hold within (responsibility) as each woman does not buy into the need to satisfy what they are not living from within. It is as easy as nominating and renunciating to no longer putting this type of energy out.
It is great to start the conversation around this and look at how we use each other in this way. I can feel when a man showed interest in me recently my confidence lifted and then I contemplated, why don’t I feel this way within myself, why does someone showing interest in me make me feel better about myself? My focus is now on feeling this confidence and gorgeousness within myself each day first, regardless of what comes from outside.
Sexual energy can oftentimes be wielded like a weapon and that is true for both genders, for men and for women. And doing so is a deeply dishonouring act.
Its amazing the games we spend our lives playing with primal urges that mask our natural tenderness and sacredness.
I have to say that as a teenager and young woman, I sought sexual attention to feel better about myself. And I was a self-critic through and through – tearing my body apart in the mirror, hoping to get recognised by men in some way. And as soon as I got the attention, I too would run a mile. That was enough. No further. So I played games a lot with men just to feel better about myself. Yuck – it is horrible to reflect on that and see how much I fed the way men can look at women.
You describe something important here, how women can also set it up to feed off this sexual energy and use it as a way to confirm themselves and their worth. Often we just look at the man’s part but it is also good to see that there are times where it goes both ways.
” The awareness that has come to me is that I didn’t feel I was good enough. I was looking for some sort of marker that I was good enough and yet the kicker… every time that I felt this type of attention for a split second I felt “yeah, I am good enough”, only to then have that energy inside of me making me feel dirty, sleazy and slutty, to then have myself believe that this is what I was (dirty, sleazy, slutty). ”
It’s also possible with the way society is configured , in that men are shown and seen as been superior in a lot of society and therefore attention , even sexual attention confirms in an ill way for a woman that she is worthy .
The sexual energies that can get in between a relationship between a male and female can muddy the waters, and have us acting in a way that we would not normally.
It’s true. We use each other so we can feel good enough simply by encouraging sexual attention. But as you say, when we get it it feels yucky. There is such a vast difference when we see people for who they are rather than sexual conquests.
When we cannot see each other, men and women as human beings who want to be loved and cherished there will never be a connection based on respect and decency. We will stay in manipulating the other to get what we want never seeing everyone as equal and fill the need based on an emptiness inside.
Your comment Annelies exposes the selfishness that is rife in our world. For many the first thought is about what I need or want, we think this is what is important. But could it be that our needs and wants stem from our own lack of self love. Which is eons away from selfishness. The more love I allow for myself the less needs and wants I have, and the more steadiness and equalness I have in relationships.
Re-reading your blog this morning I am feeling the isolation that sexual energy keeps everyone in and how damaging this is. It is only when we are able to recognise it and call it out in our own bodies that we can then start to connect to others as the gorgeous human beings we all are, who just happen to be either male or female.
It is interesting how a woman can be both viewed as a sexual conquest and also want to be conquered.
In many ways both basic decency, respect and appreciation between males and females has been lost and until those basics are resurrected in full, the battle between the sexes will continue in its full illusion.
” I now take full responsibility for the sexual imposition that I placed on the men as well ” This is so wonderful , for when women are imposing the need for sexual energy from men , due to lack of self -worth , the caring and tenderness of the man is rejected and this has a humiliating effect on men.
The way I see sexual energy is it’s a bit like a sport or a competition, where we play to attract another, or even play against another to be the best or most attractive to score a relationship with someone. It’s a game that plays with another person’s choices and manipulates their free will, and a game that can never lead to true contentment or satisfaction. There is such a big difference between approaching another person with love and the utmost integrity and respect and approaching someone with the intent to attract them or to initiate a sexual or flirtatious relationship. Perhaps all it comes down to is our integrity, our principles in life and our choice to allow another to be free to choose what they want.
Sexual energy can get in the way of a true connection with one and another, friendships can take the wrong turn and be sabotaged if sexual energy is introduced, far more wiser is to feel the real purpose one has with another.
What you are talking about here in your awesome bog Leigh is, bringing all of you to another with no holding back, and no pictures, no ideals or beliefs or needs and simply you in your gorgeousness and beauty. This is the true sexy way that we can be with another not laced with any of those things, this then honours the other by basically saying, I love you enough to bring you all of me here.
When I started to see differences in women and categorised them into sexual and non sexual categories that was a great peril and travesty to me as I had lost the ability to see people for who they are and had become further away from who I truly was – which is actually very equally male and female.
Harrison what you have shared simply highlights how much our thoughts, ideals and beliefs affect us. A truth we really need to give more consideration to.
It is yet another illusion in our society that has us falsely believing that sexuality can define us, measure our worth, and give us a sense of power or acceptance. We can see how this energy has infiltrated into many aspects of today’s culture. As you have brilliantly broken down Leigh, sexual energy is a force that demands attention, recognition, and seeks to conquer and divide through hooking and manipulation for the purpose of self-gratification. This is not who we are. Sexual energy can only exist through our lack of connection to oneself, for there is no need to seek power when we are in connection to the superlative vibration that truly confirms who we are in essence. Through our connection to love we know we are it all.
I really love the way you have turned this around, making the times when sexual imposition arises an opportunity to heal the part of you that has let it in – fully aware that sexual energy is not truly you or the other person, it simply is an energy.
Thank you for redressing the balance here – it is not just those men who put out a sexual energy but women play their equal part; women either get off on it or they go into hardness and self-loathing. All in all, it adds to the dishonesty and tension between men and women and puts a strain on potentially loving, open and mutually supportive relationships.
The energy you speak of Leigh has for want of a better expression, infected, in general, most of our thinking and perception.. even just a glance at the latest women’s and men’s fashion shows how much about the figure, the glamour and the need to show oneself off. I guess what I am saying is that there is a massive difference between wearing a short skirt to honour the natural beauty that is there as opposed to wearing a short shirt attract attention or show oneself off.
I like what you unravel here Leigh and the very loving and understanding way you do so. It always helps to look at what I put out, what my part is in the whole, as with that I have the power to change that what comes towards me. So any given situation is an opportunity to reflect and let go and move on.
Revisiting this blog, I have now noticed how much more my relationships with men are made in the quality of love that I live. Often when energy is of the sexual kind it has nowhere to go as the consistency that I stand in leaves it speechless or moving away. What I have come to learn from this powerful blog is that the more we connect to ourselves and what we feel are, deep levels of understanding there is no room for sexual energy to come in as its purpose is far from true in supporting the loving connect of another.
Sexual energy can expose beliefs that we may hold eg.’it cannot possibly be sexual energy because he’s a nice/good guy’ but the underlying truth is sexual energy. As I take responsibility of the fact that I allow sexual energy to enter my body the more transparent and open I become. It is an energy, nothing to be ashamed of, teaching me that there is a greater love to be lived towards myself.
“It is an energy, nothing to be ashamed of, teaching me that there is a greater love to be lived towards myself.”
I very much like this sentence, it gives us all a clue as to how to deal with, understand and not allow sexual energy to affect us. Because in today’s world it is everywhere and impossible to avoid. Understanding it and deepening our own love is the absolute antidote to not being affected by it.
Sexual energy can be very enticing and sneaky in the way it can draw people in, the movie and advertising industry is a great example of this. flirting and using sexual energy in this way is 100 million miles away from the quality of real love that can be felt when two people connect way beyond there gender and physicality.
When our sense of self-worth is dependent on how we think others see us this keeps us away from knowing our own beauty and strength.
Thank you for sharing your understanding of sexual energy Leigh and how it played out. It was something I hooked into because it gave me a feeling of being wanted of being attractive enough to love, all of this to make up for the lack of self worth and value. I now feel I am enough without the need to feel attracted to or attracted by some one, I am now my own value.
Yes, valuing ourselves is not at all a selfish thing, it is living in a way that values another just as equally, when one beholds this, any energy that coerces one to be less is discerned, felt and no longer accepted into one’s body.
Lack of self worth seems to be the bug bear for most of us at times throughout our lives, keeping us stuck and held back, in fear of making a mistake, looking foolish, or just not feeling capable of speaking up in relationships because of those constant voices in our heads telling us all sorts of things. It’s so great to break through all of that erosive self talk and self doubt and confront it head on and start to see it for the absolute lie that it really is.
I love the responsibility you have taken here Leigh – for your hurts, for your own impositions on both men and women, and in the decision to hold steady in the love that you are, no matter what comes your way from others or via your own reactions. Our capacity to build that kind of true and solid foundation in the vast ocean that is life will see us holding steady no matter what rocks we’re in danger of being tossed upon.
What welcome news it is, when any one of us chooses to take responsibility for the ways we may have manipulated in relationships – news that is all the more to be rejoiced, when someone such as yourself Leigh, recognises that it is a lack of worth and true value in who we are that has allowed for such behaviours and ways to establish themselves in the first place.
Great blog, thank-you.
Wow what a line this is – Sexual Imposition: Not Feeling Good Enough. Imagine if that was taught in schools, just that. That if we are sexually imposing on another, it totally comes back to us, how ‘we’ feel about ourselves. That sexual energy that can come up and out of people, has all to do with how we feel, so that to me is so empowering. That we are responsible for that, so can be the ones to change it.
It’s quite hard to leave behind the part of us that wants sexual attention. It’s something that we can use to feel confirmed in ourselves and know that we are attractive. But this is precisely what we need to give ourselves. I realised that by wanting sexual attention I was not fully appreciating my own worth. And by viewing men in that way I was not appreciating men in their true worth either. It is actually disrespectful to focus on sexual energy when there is the whole person to appreciate and love.
“It is actually disrespectful to focus on sexual energy when there is the whole person to appreciate and love.”
Just this line delivered in schools has the power to change the game and call us all to action. We all know the truth of this statement, but how many are willing to let go of the sexual energy game to expand and feel the grace and ever so powerful strength in loving another, in full, with no need for gratification.
I find that if you start to see people as people rather than man or woman, you see something much deeper in someone, it removes the gender orientated thoughts such as, that’s a man, does he fancy me? Do I like him? Should I like him? Instead there is a steady knowing that we are all here together to learn, and sexual tension is simply a superficial game, and not what we are here to learn and support each other with.
I have noticed how we can be seeking sexual energy even in a non abusive relationship. It may seem strange that even in a loving relationship one may be seeking sexual energy is still imposing as it is objectifying the other and not holding them in the love they naturally are.
It is awesomely responsible to allow yourself to feel this, and very honouring of yourself and your partner.
When I think of all the average ‘mundane’ movies I watched while growing up I can see clearly that many of them where oozing sexual energy, the entertainment industry has exploited people’s need and emptiness often by enticing negative sexuality.
This is very true Samantha, the sad truth is that this not only still continues, it has become more intense and less hidden.
Interesting that you linked sexual energy with a feeling of not being good enough, I certainly used any sexual responses from men I knew as being confirmation of my being attractive and therefore self worth, but it was a false assumption. Now, years later, I am learning that self love and self appreciation is key to self worth and that men are not all ‘just after one thing’.
Than to imagine that the world chases feeling this sexual energy, which is just a temporary nasty substitute for love.
I love how you observed deeply how you felt in yourself when you felt sexual energy from men, especially the ones you were not interested in. It is good to feel how we really feel in ourselves when this energy is expressed towards us as often these little thoughts of ‘it is because I am not worthy of love’, ‘I attracted it’ and ‘it is my fault’ can be so subconscious that we don’t realise having them. But we do, and they have an impact on how we feel in ourselves as women. So it is important to clock these thoughts and feelings and to claim our worth like you did.
I know this sexual energy so well. It lifts you up at first, makes you feel superior, but lets you use the woman as object. After the lift comes the drop, just like a drug, and then you feel miserable, alone and not valuable.
So true Willeum, in the game of sexual energy, I know that I as a woman had not considered that it would leave a man in the way you have shared, but how could it not, as it is much less that the true tenderness a man is.