I read an article recently where the writer spoke about how as teens, he and his mates viewed and judged women; either as a possible sexual conquest, or, on the other hand, as not being attractive enough to warrant their sexual attention, and so looked upon these women as not good enough and someone to tease. Therefore, in my experience, for many people, both men and women, sexual energy is being used as a way of connecting to a person – or a way of putting a person down.
From what he wrote I know that this writer no longer looks at women in this way. I can feel in his writing that he now sees us women for the beautiful and powerful people we truly are. He is now simply seeing us as people, not someone to look down upon, or think that we are in any way less than men. This is truly inspiring. Reading what he exposed about how this sexual energy was for him, has opened a wound of my own.
Sexual Tension: My Relationship with Men
You see, as a teenager I enjoyed male company, but I always felt that there was an element of sexual tension in any interaction and relationship with men; therefore I felt that I could not actually deepen any friendships with men, as to me that meant that you had to ‘go there’ (sexually) with them.
Now it would be easy to say that the sexual energy and tension was all coming from the males in my life, but it wasn’t. I can remember actively encouraging this attention from the males that I was interested in. And I can also remember ‘feeling good’ if they showed a sexual interest in me. However, I always ran a mile straight after feeling this. But what about in my relationships with men when I felt this attention from a male that I wasn’t interested in? Then it felt dirty, sleazy, imposing and made me feel in some way inferior. To be honest, I also felt this way even when I felt this sexual energy coming from a man I was interested in.
So I sat with this for a while and asked the question: why did I actively seek this attention? What is it about me that actually let this sexual energy into my body?
Sexual Imposition: Not Feeling Good Enough
The awareness that has come to me is that I didn’t feel I was good enough. I was looking for some sort of marker that I was good enough and yet the kicker… every time that I felt this type of attention for a split second I felt “yeah, I am good enough”, only to then have that energy inside of me making me feel dirty, sleazy and slutty, to then have myself believe that this is what I was (dirty, sleazy, slutty). It dropped me to a further depth in the belief that I was not good enough.
Wow!… as I write this I am beginning to realise just how much this has affected me in the way I have lived my life.
I can feel now that every time I found myself in a male’s company – whether it be friend, relative, acquaintance, essentially any male company – my body hardened into a protective, ‘ready to defend’ stance, and this is then how I interacted with the male. It hurts to say, but as a result of not feeling good enough I never actually saw any man as another human being, someone to simply love, but as someone who was going to in some way sexually impose on me.
I now take full responsibility for the sexual imposition that I placed on the men as well… because it was an imposition to actively seek sexual attention from them. I can now also see where this energy has played out with my female friends; how it has fostered competition and comparison in my interaction with women.
Taking Full Responsibility and Choosing Love
It is very humbling to watch this sexual energy play out in everyday life and to take full responsibility for having played into it. It is also very empowering to now be able to feel it, nominate it, and to choose to not be a part of it.
Now, as I reclaim the beautiful, vibrant, sexy woman that I am, I can feel that my relationships with men and my interaction with men and women is changing; it is becoming simple, accepting and honouring for both them and myself. I can now feel an equality and I no longer feel inferior to men. As I expose the ‘not good enough’ energy and now walk in my tenderness and love and deepen this tenderness and love in my life every day, I can now truly enjoy the company of people, both males and females.
If I feel any sexual energy, I take full responsibility, and simply nominate that I have felt it and choose to stay with my love. If I do fall into it, I no longer give in to the belief that I am not good enough – I choose to hold strong the love that I have inside and with this love I seek to heal the part of me that let it in.
By Leigh Strack, Eungella, QLDThis blog originated as a comment inspired by the blog: To Be a True Man: My Journey of Choices, Responsibility & Freedom