• Home
  • Blog
    • Healthy Lifestyle
    • Relationships
    • Health Problems
    • Social Issues
  • Comments Policy
  • Links
  • Terms of Use
  • Subscribe to the Blog
Everyday Livingness
Couples, Family, Relationships 404 Comments on The Break-Up I’d Rather Have

The Break-Up I’d Rather Have

By Michael Brown · On September 10, 2018 ·Photography by Dragana Brown

Almost a year ago, as I write this, I split up with my girlfriend of nearly 2 years. Prior to that we had been friends for 3 years, getting to know one another. During our nearly 2 years together as a couple, we had plenty of amazing times: road-trips across Europe, her visiting me in Australia whilst I was doing an internship in Sydney, my spending days in Amsterdam with her during her placement year and naturally numerous wonderful dinners, walks and musings across London Town, where we lived together.

When the time comes in any type of relationship for it to change or move on, we can get hurt, build bitterness, experience resentment or even go as far as taking revenge, particularly when the relationship is romantic – something most would say we hold as being very precious to us. As a 21 year old man, I have seen too many of these instances to count, all the way from primary school till now, with school friends, colleagues, relatives, people in my life in general and even what comes up on social media where it’s as if there’s a rule that where there is a break up, there is a drama. Insulting names get hurled around, accusations, blame, fury, rage, friends/families split sides, so called ‘evidence’ ends up being posted online and what not.

What’s interesting for me was that for many years, this was all I saw, so this was part of the package, i.e. ‘normal.’ When my first girlfriend and I broke up, it was arms up in the air ready to blame, shoot threats, lie about her/the circumstances/events and at the same time do everything to get back with her (seems crazy I know!).

I had the same experience with my second girlfriend. I made it clear that there was no contact to be made, let alone friendship to be had. I made the same clear to all her friends, some of whom with I used to have lovely, close relationships. All that just because they were involved with her and part of her life in one way or another. Seems mad when I look back now at how many wonderful human beings we can cut off from our lives just because of one hurt, allegedly from that one person. I say allegedly deliberately, because life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.

For me to look back at this and see the unfounded behaviour with clear eyesight as I do now, may make you wonder if I have had some sort of a wake-up call or a revelation as to the fact that this was not the way I knew we should respond when our relationships came to an end.

So, if you are wondering – the reply is a resounding Yes.

This moment came when I travelled to the little town of Hoi An on the East coast of Vietnam. It was there that I was invited to be part of a family dinner with Serge Benhayon and his household and had the most magical dinner that would completely transform my perspective on relationships. The dinner was full of the freshest fish, greenest veggies and most delicious desserts. However, it was not the food that would hallmark this assemblage for me: it was the interactions instead.

Gathered around the table were Serge Benhayon, three of his four children, Miranda Benhayon (Serge’s wife) and Deborah Benhayon (Serge’s ex-wife). The very scenario of a current and an ex-wife sitting at the same dinner table could well be (and I’m sure has been) the basis of some comedy sketches. However, in this instance it was more of a parable than a comedy, although there was plenty of hearty laughter at the table too.

What I witnessed at that dinner table was beyond what I could even take in at the time. Here was a family who by all laws of societal norms should have had a great big division sign down the middle with children choosing sides and their favourites, wife and ex-wife bickering, hostility, disparaging remarks towards the husband from the ex-wife, jealousy, comparison, envy… the list goes on and on. This family however was clearly bucking the trend. This is a family where it didn’t matter what their titles were within the family unit – mother/daughter/ex/present/father/sister… irrespective of all the circumstances, there was not an ounce of undertone in the conversation, not a sliver of jealousy, nor looking down or up at any other member. To see that this was possible, let alone a reality lived with such ease, was a mind-blowing experience for me.

So, what was my take away from this dinner? And no, it wasn’t the left-over fish or the most amazing desserts – those I managed to polish off there and then. My take away takes us back to the beginning of this blog and to my most recent girlfriend.

The process of the romantic side of our relationship coming to an end took a few months and many heart to heart conversations. At times we stumbled across a few challenges and frustrations, yet we never completely abandoned our sense of humour, or the knowing that we were merely learners and teachers of our own life stage. We continued to live as a family, sharing meals together and supporting each other where and when needed.

Even after we both agreed the time had come for the romantic side of our relationship to end, which included physical intimacy, we carried on living together for the next 8 months. I worked on holding nothing against her and to continue to love her as a friend. We went on weekend trips together, shared conversations and cooked for each other. During this time people around us gradually became aware that we were no longer ‘together’ but still living together, and some of the remarks I heard during conversations made me stop and consider how rare our situation actually was. How rare it is to continue to love one another, when the access to bed chambers has been closed off. Remarks that came were: “She’s still living with you? Doesn’t she have her own family?” and “That’s so weird!” “Must be very tense?!”

I couldn’t help but appreciate the role models in Serge Benhayon and his family and how they had inspired me at a very young age (I was 13 on that trip to Vietnam) to take the same/similar steps years later and to walk through the whole process of my own separation from a girlfriend with greater ease, dignity and LOVE. Based on what I have seen in society, it is blatantly obvious it would have been much more ‘normal’ and socially accepted to go the usual route of hurt and all that accompanies it: resentment, bitterness, blame.

Thank you Serge, and thank you to the entire Benhayon family for showing me that we are all human beings, that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.

Published with permission from the Benhayon family and my ex-girlfriend.

By Michael Brown, Maths Student and Manager in Retail

Further Reading:
End of a Relationship and the Expression of Love
What is the Science of Appreciation and how does it evolve all of our relationships?
Relationships are about evolving – the key to making relationships work

Share

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Google
  • LinkedIn
  • More
  • Email
  • StumbleUpon
  • Tumblr
  • Pinterest
Share Tweet

Michael Brown

With love of people at the core of his raison d’etre, and all things numerical, scientific and humourous (or was it houmous ?), maths student with distinctions, a retail manager, community volunteer, piano player, delicate, dashing, and all in all, downright debonair.

You Might Also Like

  • Communication

    Expressing the Unexpressed

  • Family

    Interparental Hatred on Separation

  • Family

    The Photo

404 Comments

  • Greg Barnes says: August 30, 2019 at 3:20 am

    Understanding how we can come to appreciate another with true-intimacy as we can not but always hold another in the same appreciativeness, as intimacy (letting another in) and appreciation (the relationship we have with our essences) are like twins you can not have one without the other, so deepening our relationships with another is evolutionary.

    Reply
  • Mary Adler says: August 19, 2019 at 3:10 pm

    The magic is in the appreciation and learning from the Benhayon family for you to then reflect this to others.

    Reply
  • Inma Lorente says: August 10, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    When the communication is open and transparent, when we take the responsibility in looking at what interferes in the connection between us there is no one to blame but very much to appreciate.

    Reply
  • Inma Lorente says: August 10, 2019 at 1:30 pm

    Michael the way you ended up this relationship feels very honouring and supportive. Your experience makes me realize about that loving people equally is natural for us, no matter the situation we are in and how far away we seem to be from each other, at the end we are one.

    Reply
  • Leigh Matson says: July 3, 2019 at 6:41 pm

    Before I met Serge Benhayon and his family I never knew the power each person has on others. On one hand, I did because I had spent my whole life learning from the way others lived but it was only after I met them did I understand it consciously. When ones living way is based on love that effect of others is truly amazing.

    Reply
  • Melinda Knights says: June 22, 2019 at 5:49 pm

    “life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.” What a great line, and what a gem of wisdom to live by which would totally transform all relationships.

    Reply
  • Viktoria says: June 14, 2019 at 2:20 pm

    To have the role models of Serge Benhayon and the rest of his family is incredible, to know that life can be lived with a level respect and dignity towards one another which is almost not heard of or seen is reassuring, refreshing nad something which has the power to inspire.

    Reply
    • Alexis Stewart says: June 16, 2019 at 4:09 pm

      How dreadful is it that the vast majority of us can’t afford everybody in our lives a very basic level of dignity and respect? But we can’t. Not only that but most of us are outwardly hostile to at least a few people in our lives, either that or we simply cut them out completely. This is what happens when you step away from love, you make room for another energy to come in and come in it does, in fact it rushes in, glad of the opportunity to derail us further and create even more separation.

      Reply
    « 1 … 6 7 8

    Leave a reply Cancel reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

    Search

    Subscribe

    Recent Posts

    • Expressing the Unexpressed
    • Has the Plague Ever Truly Left Us?
    • Food Choices, My Body and Me
    • Interparental Hatred on Separation
    • Redefining ‘Food for Thought’

    Categories

    • Health Problems (6)
      • Dementia (1)
      • Digestive Issues (1)
      • Eating disorders (3)
      • Fatigue/Exhaustion (1)
      • Migraines (1)
    • Healthy Lifestyle (91)
      • Drug Abuse (3)
      • Exercise & Sport (25)
      • Healthy diet (26)
      • Music (1)
      • Quitting alcohol (13)
      • Quitting coffee (2)
      • Quitting smoking (6)
      • Quitting Sugar (4)
      • Safe driving (2)
      • Sleep (5)
      • TV / Technology (11)
      • Weight Loss (2)
      • Work (2)
    • Relationships (148)
      • Colleagues (2)
      • Communication (11)
      • Couples (33)
      • Family (29)
      • Friendships (19)
      • Male Relationships (6)
      • Parenting (27)
      • Self-Relationship (40)
      • Sex & Making Love (6)
      • Workplace (12)
    • Social Issues (50)
      • Death & Dying (8)
      • Education (14)
      • Global Issues (8)
      • Greed/Corruption (1)
      • Money (3)
      • Pornography (1)
      • Sexism (14)
      • Tattoos & Removal (1)

    Archives

    • October 2020
    • May 2020
    • April 2020
    • February 2020
    • January 2020
    • December 2019
    • November 2019
    • August 2019
    • July 2019
    • May 2019
    • April 2019
    • February 2019
    • January 2019
    • December 2018
    • November 2018
    • October 2018
    • September 2018
    • July 2018
    • June 2018
    • May 2018
    • April 2018
    • March 2018
    • February 2018
    • January 2018
    • November 2017
    • October 2017
    • September 2017
    • August 2017
    • July 2017
    • June 2017
    • May 2017
    • April 2017
    • March 2017
    • February 2017
    • January 2017
    • December 2016
    • November 2016
    • October 2016
    • September 2016
    • August 2016
    • July 2016
    • June 2016
    • May 2016
    • April 2016
    • March 2016
    • January 2016
    • December 2015
    • November 2015
    • October 2015
    • September 2015
    • August 2015
    • July 2015
    • June 2015
    • May 2015
    • April 2015
    • March 2015
    • February 2015
    • January 2015
    • December 2014
    • November 2014
    • October 2014
    • September 2014
    • August 2014
    • July 2014
    • June 2014
    • May 2014
    • April 2014
    • March 2014
    • February 2014
    • January 2014
    • November 2013
    • Home
    • Blog
      • Healthy Lifestyle
      • Relationships
      • Health Problems
      • Social Issues
    • Comments Policy
    • Links
    • Terms of Use
    • Subscribe to the Blog
    loading Cancel
    Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
    Email check failed, please try again
    Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.