Almost a year ago, as I write this, I split up with my girlfriend of nearly 2 years. Prior to that we had been friends for 3 years, getting to know one another. During our nearly 2 years together as a couple, we had plenty of amazing times: road-trips across Europe, her visiting me in Australia whilst I was doing an internship in Sydney, my spending days in Amsterdam with her during her placement year and naturally numerous wonderful dinners, walks and musings across London Town, where we lived together.
When the time comes in any type of relationship for it to change or move on, we can get hurt, build bitterness, experience resentment or even go as far as taking revenge, particularly when the relationship is romantic – something most would say we hold as being very precious to us. As a 21 year old man, I have seen too many of these instances to count, all the way from primary school till now, with school friends, colleagues, relatives, people in my life in general and even what comes up on social media where it’s as if there’s a rule that where there is a break up, there is a drama. Insulting names get hurled around, accusations, blame, fury, rage, friends/families split sides, so called ‘evidence’ ends up being posted online and what not.
What’s interesting for me was that for many years, this was all I saw, so this was part of the package, i.e. ‘normal.’ When my first girlfriend and I broke up, it was arms up in the air ready to blame, shoot threats, lie about her/the circumstances/events and at the same time do everything to get back with her (seems crazy I know!).
I had the same experience with my second girlfriend. I made it clear that there was no contact to be made, let alone friendship to be had. I made the same clear to all her friends, some of whom with I used to have lovely, close relationships. All that just because they were involved with her and part of her life in one way or another. Seems mad when I look back now at how many wonderful human beings we can cut off from our lives just because of one hurt, allegedly from that one person. I say allegedly deliberately, because life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.
For me to look back at this and see the unfounded behaviour with clear eyesight as I do now, may make you wonder if I have had some sort of a wake-up call or a revelation as to the fact that this was not the way I knew we should respond when our relationships came to an end.
So, if you are wondering – the reply is a resounding Yes.
This moment came when I travelled to the little town of Hoi An on the East coast of Vietnam. It was there that I was invited to be part of a family dinner with Serge Benhayon and his household and had the most magical dinner that would completely transform my perspective on relationships. The dinner was full of the freshest fish, greenest veggies and most delicious desserts. However, it was not the food that would hallmark this assemblage for me: it was the interactions instead.
Gathered around the table were Serge Benhayon, three of his four children, Miranda Benhayon (Serge’s wife) and Deborah Benhayon (Serge’s ex-wife). The very scenario of a current and an ex-wife sitting at the same dinner table could well be (and I’m sure has been) the basis of some comedy sketches. However, in this instance it was more of a parable than a comedy, although there was plenty of hearty laughter at the table too.
What I witnessed at that dinner table was beyond what I could even take in at the time. Here was a family who by all laws of societal norms should have had a great big division sign down the middle with children choosing sides and their favourites, wife and ex-wife bickering, hostility, disparaging remarks towards the husband from the ex-wife, jealousy, comparison, envy… the list goes on and on. This family however was clearly bucking the trend. This is a family where it didn’t matter what their titles were within the family unit – mother/daughter/ex/present/father/sister… irrespective of all the circumstances, there was not an ounce of undertone in the conversation, not a sliver of jealousy, nor looking down or up at any other member. To see that this was possible, let alone a reality lived with such ease, was a mind-blowing experience for me.
So, what was my take away from this dinner? And no, it wasn’t the left-over fish or the most amazing desserts – those I managed to polish off there and then. My take away takes us back to the beginning of this blog and to my most recent girlfriend.
The process of the romantic side of our relationship coming to an end took a few months and many heart to heart conversations. At times we stumbled across a few challenges and frustrations, yet we never completely abandoned our sense of humour, or the knowing that we were merely learners and teachers of our own life stage. We continued to live as a family, sharing meals together and supporting each other where and when needed.
Even after we both agreed the time had come for the romantic side of our relationship to end, which included physical intimacy, we carried on living together for the next 8 months. I worked on holding nothing against her and to continue to love her as a friend. We went on weekend trips together, shared conversations and cooked for each other. During this time people around us gradually became aware that we were no longer ‘together’ but still living together, and some of the remarks I heard during conversations made me stop and consider how rare our situation actually was. How rare it is to continue to love one another, when the access to bed chambers has been closed off. Remarks that came were: “She’s still living with you? Doesn’t she have her own family?” and “That’s so weird!” “Must be very tense?!”
I couldn’t help but appreciate the role models in Serge Benhayon and his family and how they had inspired me at a very young age (I was 13 on that trip to Vietnam) to take the same/similar steps years later and to walk through the whole process of my own separation from a girlfriend with greater ease, dignity and LOVE. Based on what I have seen in society, it is blatantly obvious it would have been much more ‘normal’ and socially accepted to go the usual route of hurt and all that accompanies it: resentment, bitterness, blame.
Thank you Serge, and thank you to the entire Benhayon family for showing me that we are all human beings, that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.
Published with permission from the Benhayon family and my ex-girlfriend.
By Michael Brown, Maths Student and Manager in Retail
Further Reading:
End of a Relationship and the Expression of Love
What is the Science of Appreciation and how does it evolve all of our relationships?
Relationships are about evolving – the key to making relationships work
360 Comments
If a relationship doesn’t foster change and evolution it perpetuates stagnation, dullness and disregard. Your sharing Michael leaves me to ponder what my own relationship with change is like. Do I move on lovingly and gracefully or stubbornly hang to habits, comforts and the past?
Truly inspiring Michael.. the shift in our relationships need not be all dramatic and reactionary, though often the reaction and blame are chosen as a way not to feel our own hurts. That this is a choice and not a given is great to share.
Thanks, Michael. Love how you were able to keep the humour going with each other throughout the process of breaking up, which shows how strong your relationship was and continued to be.
I agree, there is a lot to be said for making light, but not trivialising the experiences we have. Things do not need to be heavy, if we are light, be gentle and understanding we allow ourselves space to see more clearly, and do not fall into emotional overwhelm.
Love holds us no matter what we are doing if we stay connected to our essences, so any relationship when living in such a way we will start understanding more and more and not judge or condemn another so that you we can all live in total agreement as Michael has so lovingly shared.
I love this article in every way, but most especially for the playfulness that you bring to a subject which for many would normally be very painful, and as you hold absolute respect for what that pain is – having been through it yourself, you are also a great role model.
‘Seems mad when I look back now at how many wonderful human beings we can cut off from our lives just because of one hurt, allegedly from that one person. I say allegedly deliberately, because life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.’ There is a beautiful reflection here in your words Michael and a wisdom we would do well to heed.
The more resentments that accumulated during a relationship the harder it is to have a good connection afterwards. The reverse is also true in my experience.
Yes, resentment for me has come through self fury and regret, when I have blamed others, on reflection it has been because I have been unwilling to take responsibility, hence the self fury.
The way a relationship changes (never truly ends) will be determined by the way it has been lived. Relationships based on love and truth never end and have this as their foundation no matter what form they may take.
Hear hear Michael it really is that simple “that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.” – I love how you have openly shared your inspiration and learning and how this is absolutely bucking the trends of relationships that end with such remorse and fury. There absolutely is another way and it starts with connecting to the love that we are and holding everyone equally in this, no matter what.
What a learning and the humour is , that this truly is just normal and the true way of interacting .
As a friend said to me one time its never about ” separation ” . ” There is nothing wrong in parting its all about how you part “.
We can be so burdened by shame, resentment, bitterness and anger, as well as a sense of failure when relationships break up that they break down. Letting go of pictures about how we need to be but only paying attention to our quality means that the love can continue to express, simply in a slightly different way.
What if we treated all relationships this way, understanding that they change and move on. It feels enormous to let go of our investments and pictures of how we want things to be yet immensely healing for all involved.
There is always, The Way, in every moment we breathe.
People seem to think it is almost a given that we need to be at odds with our ex’s but as we know this just isn’t the case. There are many examples of people, including myself, that are still in touch with those we used to have closer relationships with. There is no reason at all why we shouldn’t.
if we make our relationships about love then love can remain in the ending of it’s cycle.
Awesome blog Michael and it has made me realise how much we walk around guarded or in protection with people every day because of past hurts, just in case we get hurt again, but unfortunately this prevents us from really maximising the potential of love and connection that is in offer.
Protection is the greatest hurt and so I commit to be as raw as vulnerable and as honest to everyone as possible.
From former days of emotional break ups, lies, and bitter tears, to breakups that leave the residue only of love and the space for more love to be through expansion – what growth in understanding you share in your post Michael.
Absolutely Zofia there is no reason why this can’t be an opportunity for growth on both sides.
Michael, this is beautiful; ‘We continued to live as a family, sharing meals together and supporting each other where and when needed.’ It feels very true that we are still family and that we can still support each other after breakups and that there need not be bitterness and drama, but instead care and support.
Michael, this is really interesting to read; ‘it’s as if there’s a rule that where there is a break up, there is a drama.’ I can feel how true this is, it seems rare for romantic relationships to end amicably, without blame and judgement. I love how you have shown what is possible – that there can still be love and respect for each other when the relationship ends.
“I say allegedly deliberately, because life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.” Yes we get hurt by our reactions to situations, not by the situation itself. It may seem a bit of a stretch for many but I also experienced that when I live in a loving way with myself and others, situations don’t get to me as much and when they do I know how to reflect, understand why and how to let it go. Becoming aware of our own input in the situations is exactly what gives us the power to get not affected by it and walk free from it.
Lieke, what you write is very true.
With your amazing blog Michael you showed us how important true role models are and which effect they can have in our own lives. With that knowing it is essential to be a role model too what you are with sharing how your last break up was – Thank you for being such an inspiration.
It is beautiful and in truth natural to live the love that we are which cannot be bound by societal rules, ideals or beliefs. This is the reflection sorely needed in the world. Being love is the greatest gift in its own right, a movement that is simple and flows with the universal direction of evolution.
So true Elizabeth. I experienced a breakup recently and now I am appreciating how deeply loving our relationship is because there was no drama, no blame or feeling hurt by each other. What has revealed to me was that our relationship was based on love and our breakup was a needed shift and we both appreciated how it supported us to see where to go next and allowed us space to ponder, appreciate and value what we shared.
Amazing Michael, you are an inspiration to us all. What you’ve shared is certainly rare in our society, to be able to live together with your ex-partner and continue a relationship after a breakup. This shows us that relationship breakups can be deeply supportive, loving and honouring of each other, very different to what most of us witness.
You could say that it shows we never need to have a “relationship breakup” as we stay in relationship with everyone it is just that certain things have changed such as no longer sharing a bed and maybe we have less time together but the love has not changed.
It is interesting how the words we use can frame situations in the negative when this is not actually true, such as ‘breaking- up’ or ‘broken heart’, ‘falling out of love’… The way we use words can reduce what is truly on offer.
So true Nicola, I love this. `the type of relationship may change but there will always be a relationship, In my experience, the love can grow even after a break-up.
We’re here to support our fellow brothers to evolve. Evolution doesn’t delineate between wives and ex-wives, it simply sees us all as the equal aspects of God that we all are. Every relationship bar none should be about lifting the other up to their highest energetic potential. Bearing a grudge of any kind, be that towards an ex, a family member or a friend retards us and the other person immeasurably.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I also had the experience from society, friends, the movies etc that once a relationship ends, the ‘love’ that was there ceases. People take sides, blame is sent flying and it seems any behaviour is acceptable because we are hurt. I also experienced the complete opposite being around the Benhayon family and this started to break down the acceptability of animosity when separating. Because of this I have an ongoing relationship with my ex and his wife, who are both an important part of my life.
Yes, Michael, I too have experienced the deepening of a relationship when it has changed from one form to another, and it goes to show that we cannot have any pictures about what love should look like.
Love is so much grander than any pictures we could possibly have.
That is beautiful to feel and really shows how constricting our traditional images are and how they literally stop a true development in a relationship.
Sitting at a family table with no inference to titles would have been a fascinating exercise. A bit to wrap your head around as the roles of mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son are deeply ingrained in us all.
Yes it is liberating to simply live who you are without having to live up to the roles that the world imposed on us.
Your experience observing how the Benhayon family are with each other is an experience that will never leave you and an experience that ought to be normal for children to witness, the sad truth is ‘normal’ is as you say the exact opposite full of hurts, anger and revenge.
Your sharing raises the question of what is ‘normal’? Is it what we see most and get as examples?
Great Serge Benhayon and his family set true standards for what is actually normal and then you can’t stop loving someone. Just like you cannot love one person more than another.
I have a few ex partners and can say I love them all dearly. I always felt it was such a shame that society views it as weird to keep in touch and remain good friends. I have heard people condemn their exes as horrible people and perhaps a lot of what went on behind closed doors was the opposite of love. But at the core of us all we are amazing.
It may seem so much easier to blame another and not look at our part in allowing disrespect or abuse at whatever level it was present. I’ve been in unloving and disrespectful relationships but I can see both our parts in this. Now I’ve healed much of my part, I have no need to hold whatever went on against an ex. If they want to remain friends and are respectful I’m all for being in touch. And though I know I will never see many of them again I know I hold only love for them in my heart as I walk around. That feels amazing.
I can relate to what you have shared Karin, in as much as that I do not hold my ex-husband as the bad guy. If anything I can see how we were together much more clearly now and even though I never see him and probably never will as he lives overseas, I have no resentment towards him and would welcome an open, loving relationship.
This is so cool what you shared here Karin about being honest about our own part in allowing abuse or unloving aspects in our relationships, and I can see how by you healing many things that allowed that disrespect and holding your ‘ex’ with love, that it really clears things and heals that relationship, even if you never speak to them again. The other bonus to this approach is that it allows all future relationships to be that much more loving, caring, considerate, and open.
To love an ex partner dearly can be looked upon as weird and unlikely but what if this was the norm and that relationships that come to an end does not mean that the love ends.
A beautiful tale with a loving ending, thank you for sharing yourself and the Benhayon family with us.
The beauty is that there is no ending, just an evolutionary step, a change in the relationship that can still offer so much to both as they re-orient themselves.
Beautifully put Elizabeth.
Reading about the Benhayon family makes me realise that once you are love, you love. It’s not possible to be love and not love. And if it’s conditional, it’s not love.
How beautifully put, Fumiyo. Love has no conditions, it just is love.
An awesome read, thank you Michael. What you share is amazing yet should be completely normal as it is natural. Serge and his family are the way we all could be if we simply let go of the drama and remembered that love comes first. It’s bigger than any hurt and we should never, ever deny the love we all innately are. Knowing this now and having observed the Benhayons for many years, it gives me inspiration for all my future relationships.
I never understood how it was possible that if you spent many years in a relationship loving someone that, that love could be simply switched off when the relationship ended. What was experienced and shared will always be left in the heart of another and can never be eradicated.
Me too Rachel and when we shut someone out or disown them in any way to me that is never about love. It also makes you question if the relationship was ever based on love in the first place when breakups are full of hurts, resentment, and bitterness.
There is a stop moment that is offered when you first see Miranda and Deborah together as it breaks down all these beliefs we have around how to act with an ex-wife.
It is absolutely totally inspiring how the Benhayon family are living on every level they are laying the foundations for truly loving relationships.
Wow it is very refreshing to read about a ‘break up’ in this way and I would definitely agree that this is currently not the normal experience for most people, but why not put love ahead of any personal hurts and see what happens?
Great question Andrew and when we put love before anything else, we receive love back and it just keeps expanding. When we respond to anything in life with love, the result is simple love. The equation is pretty simple and it looks like the normal our society has settled for is obvious to me that it is currently less than love.
Just because something is unusual does not mean it is not possible. For we’ve lived for way too long retracing familiar steps instead of walking our own walk with all our swagger.
It is beautiful to feel and see that a young man like you does reflect about all these things and live a different way in today’s society.
Michael, this is a really interesting point; ‘life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.’ I have found this too. It seems common in our society to blame others rather than for us to take responsibility for how we have been. It seems from my experience that it is how I react to situations that feels key, I can go into drama and emotions or I can choose to have understanding and acceptance.
A couple of my greatest allies in life are the person I used to go out with and his wife. Apart from choosing to spend time with them, the fact that we have common friends, often frequent the same places and enjoy many shared activities, means I see them a lot.
In the alternative way, the relationships could have been my worst nightmare. Yet true to what this post shares, just thinking about these two people makes me well up with joy and smile.
If our love for someone is true love and not the emotional kind, there would be no animosity when we decide to part ways for what ever reason that may be, but the emotional kind is where the hurt can brew into hatred.
So true Kev, and I have seen this many times where couples break-up and it leads to resentment, bitterness and even hatred. Very rare do we see relationship break-ups done with love and absolute respect, with zero hurt and a deep honouring of each others evolution and choices.
When we are willing to take responsibility for our part in a relationship ending then there is no need for the drama and blame games, we can embrace the learning and evolve.
When we see every relationship as learning we choose evolution – a gift not just for ourselves but for all of humanity.
“The Break-Up I’d Rather Have” – there is no break up when there is instead the presence of love. Because when there is love, there is always first the understanding.
Thank you Michael for this beautiful testimonial. You have shown time and time again your dedication to growing your relationships and holding people around you with the utmost dignity and love. I remember the countless of times you have shared the story of this dinner you had with the Benhayons and how much it has touched you – only for you to start making your own steps to live in the same way.
Michael this is inspiring and I agree, the role model set by the Benhayon family is rare but very much needed. It is possible to have an amicable divorce and to remain friends with ex partners, even with the new ‘other partner’. As you say, the hurts are of our own creation, therefore we can also choose to let them go.
The Benhayon family are certainly role models for true family. I would never have believed this was possible, but watching how this family love and interact with absolute love and respect is so inspiring.
I can see how closing oneself off to continuing relationships with ex- girlfriends, boyfriends, and others, just because you think they hurt you is really a shame. If one stops and considers just how many learning interactions, that could lead to other relationships too, would be possible if that person had not been cut off from contact, the number of potential moments of growth, understanding, joy, etc. are astounding. Also, when we don’t realise that we hurt ourselves through our reactions and taking things personally (as Michael pointed out here so wisely), what we then bring to the next relationship is a shaky foundation that is ready to collapse once again.
Society shouldn’t determine the nature of any relationship or event, including break ups, marriages, divorce and ‘dating’. We should be allowed to express in our own way.
Very true Alison, these dramas are definitely not limited to an age group.
Could the reason that relationship endings are usually so full of drama, hurt and emotion be because that’s what they were founded on, to start with, i.e need, undealt with hurt, and emotion?
Great point Bryony. I feel a lot of relationships do start that way with need, undealt with hurt and emotion. They do not have to stay that way but that would necessitate both parties working through their ‘stuff’ and becoming more honest, allowing themselves to change and in that the relationship too.
The Benhayon family are living the future right here, right now. Showing the world that there is another way to be in this world. And here they are showing you, and by in turn you choosing to be inspired by them, and ending your relationship wth grace, respect and love, you are showing other people the future now, and so on and so on the cycle can go.
Thanks Michael, I especially loved your bio! It’s so needed for people to realise there are other ways to travel through life, that we can be open, honest, vulnerable and allow a relationship to ‘end’, but put love first and continue to love each other. The truth is even when a relationships ends we are really just changing how it’s configured as we are always in some form of relationship with each other. Even if we don’t see each other what’s there between us is the relationship, whether that’s angst or love is up to us. Taking responsibility to put love first no matter how the relationship appears on the surface is a great way through life.
So much of the way that we choose to behave is because it is the way we are expected to behave. But, as you have so beautifully demonstrated Michael, we do have the ability to choose another way and in doing so, reflect to others that there is always another way.
A very gorgeous sharing Michael. Love has no off switch and if it does, it is not love but a form of attachment that pains us to let go of. Thank God for true reflections like the Benhayon family that remind us of who we are and where we come from so we do not have to live less than this love if we so choose.
Yes and what I understand from reading your comment Liane is that maybe some of the problem with break-ups is that when we split up we declare that the relationship is ‘over’ or that we are ‘not together’ even though this is impossible because the relationship actually always continues, no matter what the configuration or shape of it may look like. Maybe most of the hurt and jealousy and inability to move on, or to allow another to truly move on, stems from the fact that we attempt to cut ourselves off and try and shut down the connection with each other therefore denying ourselves of the intimacy and love that is possible with that person, this hurts more than we care to admit and then goes on to create all the usual post-breakup issues and angst and behaviours.
Great sharing Michael, so good to have a read on what is actually possible when it comes down to ending a relationship and building one further with that same person (lady in this case) instead of dismissing the other person. How truly evolving that is.
This is a new perspective on relationships which in truth marks a return to a true way of living with each other where relationships are based on our deep loving connection to each other. How do we access and live these relationships with others? First reconnect to that same deep loving connection to ourselves and then it is clear it is there between us all.
If we build a relationship based on need and filling up our holes then of course we get hurt, angry and resentful when those needs are no longer met, we then ‘do not love’ each other anymore or even go as far as hating them. But all the hurt is based on the need and the expectations. Serge Benhayon has taught the true meaning of love and the true purpose of relationship, both through his workshops and his own living way, and when this is understood and lived to the best of our ability all we have left is opportunities to learn and grow and there is no blaming or resentment in sight.
very cool to appreciate the drama-less experience a relationship break up can offer here – and to see by amazing reflection that we can totally carry each other as equals no matter what our family role is.
What I find inspiring about your sharing Michael is your absolute lack of attachment to having the ideal picture of the relationship you may have initially wanted but instead honoured the impulse of love from your heart knowing that relationship is not about labels but about love.
Serge Benhayon has shown us the way to expressing, communicating and relating from love rather then from hurt and protection. It makes all the difference in the world (quite literally)
Beautiful Michael and I have a very similar experience where my ex partner and I are still closely related and allow ourselves to love each other. In a true relationship the love never goes away it is only the expression or form of the relationship that changes based on what is needed to keep growing and evolving.
What a powerful and inspiring learning from the reflection offered by the Benhayon’s at a family dinner. There is much wisdom, true responsibility and integrity you share here Michael about relationships and breaking up with a deep level of care, rather than blaming another.
“life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others”.
A great blog Michael filled with wisdom, true responsibility and integrity.
“life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others”.
Every relationship is constellated, even when it is not a ” direct” one – as friends of a partner. What a shame to dismiss these, when the status of a relationship changes.
It must be very painful, when people end the romantic expression of a relationship and never talk to each other again. ( assumed there is no danger or other abusive energies at play that need to be stopped by having no contact)
Love does not end, only you choose a different expression, so why actually abandoning from it, when there is no need to?!
When my daughter got married earlier this year several people commented to her that her father and I seemed to get on very well seated next to each other at the top table to which she responded and why not just because they are no longer married does not mean they don’t love each other.
The best “take away” in life is having reflections of truth, that totally questions our ideals and beliefs.
The break-up I had years ago with my partner at that time gave us the opportunity to heal a lot of things as we continued to work for the same company. Both of us felt there was work to be done and that this was more important than us holding on to old hurts. And I was amazed how easy and lovely that all went. Purpose and our love for people united us in an instance.
There is nothing like reading a blog about relationships. Breakups are seen and known to be unhealthy instead of the greatest opportunity to take with you what was learnt to the next. I have experienced both before and after I was committing to the principles of energetic responsibility and integrity. The clear difference was blame. It was not easy but until you do resolve and complete what was provided, you continually live with that tension inside which eats you up more because that relationship is with all others and yourself until it is resolved within.
I agree, Michael. When you have shared a part of your life with someone, be it for months, years or even decades, you have a connection that is always going to be there, and this is an important relationship to still honour and cherish even if it takes a different form.
It doesn’t really make sense that relationships can end so acrimoniously when under that has been a consistent expression of love. The acrimony simply exposes the uglier need to hang on to self and not to take responsibility for why the relationship hasn’t worked out. It takes a certain type of maturity and willingness to learn to come out the other end still expressing love and being caring for your ex-partner.
What came to me as I read your tender article Michael is that you had to work on this: you consciously chose to end the romantic side of your relationship with conversation, love and support of each other and rejected the usual choice to react, defend, attach, cling and hurt each other. These choices damages both partners and feeds into future relationships. To break what is considered a normal, but damaging, pattern of ending relationships rests on having a deep love for ourselves that supports us to hold steady and love another equally even through difficult times.
A beautiful example of the ripple effects of being with others who truly love and respect each other and how this experience can inspire another to bring those same qualities in their own life and relationships.
How important it is to understand the responsibility we have as human beings: we are all role models, teachers and people learn from us for better or worse. And the quality of your ‘break-up’ romantically, that is, from your girlfriend Michael is an example of this. How you and your girlfriend lovingly supported each other through a change in your relationship set a marker and example for your friends on how to break-up with out breaking up each other. This is true love in action.
So often inspiration is a momentary experience, where we feel and see something that strikes a cord and leave it at that, this is a beautiful example of how we can take that initial inspiration, commit & dedicate ourselves to making changes that bravely step outside of so called societal ‘norms’ of relationship break-ups and ground another inspirational way to grow, deepen & evolve our relationships – thank-you Michael.
Thank you for sharing this Michael.
I read a post the other day from a friend who also shared how their relationship with their ex fiancé was, in that it could have been bitter but they were still friends and there for each other when support is needed. It is great that we are starting to re-imprint, to the best of our ability, our relationships with respect and love and how this basic decency should carry out to all the relationships we have in life.
‘it’s as if there’s a rule that where there is a break up, there is a drama.’ This is the expected norm in a relationship break-up and as is often the case, resentment, bitterness and deep hurt accompanying the split. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it has to be this way. When splitting from a partner around 14 years ago I had the amazing experience of splitting from my partner with a feeling of joy on both sides. We both came to the understanding, at the same time that it had to end, but there was a deep love that remained. We went on holiday together to celebrate our relationship and with a sense of completion it ended. It was simple and beautiful at the same time.
I am not in contact with anyone I have previously dated and yes they all ended badly. I did however get the opportunity to meet one of those ex boyfriends fairly recently and because I am in a different place I could feel I completed it, I also offered for him and his girlfriend to come around for lunch, they declined but for me that is cool. It is how we are in ourselves that dictates how we are with others, when I ended past relationships I was full of need and blame, being more responsible and loving has enabled me to hold myself and others in more love and not react and blow up as I used to. And the needy thing to be liked and not feel rejected…..well if we learn to love ourselves, and hold ourselves in that, there is no rejection. To be rejected we need to personally disregard ourselves. Sometimes it is true to evolve the relationship from physically intimate to not, but does not mean if the quality of love is established that it has to change. We can still be loving with people without being sexual. I Love what you share.
What stood out from reading this is how we bring people into our family and then when the break up happens it’s suddenly taboo to talk to the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, and as a mother I have met a couple of now ex’s and personally didn’t have a problem with them and thought them to be decent people with a lot of potential. We now have an ex-boyfriend that we consider to be one of our friends along with his parents and still wish to be in a relationship with them all.
It’s great to read about a break up that doesn’t involve denigrating the other. The Universal medicine community seems to be leading the way in showing that break ups don’t have to be angry painful affairs. Seeing Deborah and Miranda Benhayon enjoying each others company gives the lie to the fact that an ex has to feel embittered.
The Universal Medicine student body is changing many aspects of how we traditionally relate to each other. In relationships between women we work on letting go of comparison and jealousy to relate to one other via our essence, from the sacredness and preciousness we are as women, loving and adoring each other. Men are tender and delicate with each other, and there is a deep level of intimacy by sharing openly all of who they are together. And there is no inappropriate or sexual energy between women and men, instead there is a deep respect and honouring essence to essence and a willingness to continue to work on being more love together as a community. It’s pretty amazing.
I have heard many stories from people whose life was transformed at a Benhayon dinner. Each one had a different tale but each one was equally delicious. What is truly amazing is not how loving the Benhayons are but how come we don’t all live like that when it is so simply, natural and true.
Agreed Nicola, transformation over the dinner table. One meal, one meeting can change everything. What if we all lived knowing this – perhaps the world would change quicker than we imagine.
Thank you Michael for sharing something so important AND making me laugh as I read it which I needed today.
Always ready and at your service Nicola haha
Just shows that when love is the central core theme of any relationship, anything is possible. Which includes the presence of a burgeoning deeper love as your blog confirms Michael.
Great sharing and learning Michael, as you say it ‘Seems mad when I look back now at how many wonderful human beings we can cut off from our lives just because of one hurt’. We can do this all the time regardless of whether we have been in an intimate relationship with them or not. And if we have we were with them because we loved them and so when we break up does not mean we suddenly stop loving them just have chosen not to be with them anymore for what ever reason. The key I feel is to hold onto the love for each other and let go of any of the blaming or hurts as none of that helps and just makes things worse.
Serge Benhayon and his family are a reflection of the true and wider meaning of family.
And a true family is more than just ‘family’…it is a constellation – a specific grouping of people that are positioned together to reflect the truth of who we are. One day we will all be this, for what is lived in the home has an effect on the entire geography of the world. If this is so, then what we have long held to be our ‘comfortable nests’ are indeed so much more. The ‘everyday’ home has the potential to stand as a mighty pyramid (a structure that helps to transmute energy from a lower vibration back to the higher) based on the movements of those that live within it.
This is an inspiring blog to read, and again shows me that Serge Benhayon and his family live in a way that feels so true that we then feel that we can have a go at living this way too, because we have proof that it works. This is so important because in reality our society is in melt down as we seem to be continually dropping our standards. In contrast the Benhayon Family is raising the bar on standards, so now there is a clear choice to be had.
I love what you observed about the Benhayon family: “it didn’t matter what their titles were within the family unit – mother/daughter/ex/present/father/sister… irrespective of all the circumstances, there was not an ounce of undertone in the conversation, not a sliver of jealousy, nor looking down or up at any other member.” In fact each member of the family relates like this with every single person they interact with, the whole world is treated as part of their family and they are a constant inspiration to everyone.
This is a great example of how each of us are capable of sowing the seed of change in the world and making a powerful difference simply through living a true reflection.
Michael, this is gorgeous to read. How refreshing and inspiring to read that there can still be love and care for the other person when we split up in a romantic relationship. I love how you are showing there is another way, this makes the whole process one of love, learning, support understanding and evolving, rather than bitterness, blame and hurt.
Michael a beautiful sharing about what true relationships can be about and one where there need not be the normal break up drama despite the love, in fact, because of the depth of love the normal breakup does not need to be there. It shows once again what we think is normal is not and the true normal is one far grander than we fully appreciate. And within that is the inspiration, the dinner you had that stayed with you and the legacy in this blog to show others the same.
I have often wondered how it is possible to go from loving someone very intently to hating,loathing and never wanting to see them again. I have remained friends with a couple of girl friends although I seldom see them but their is no animosity but I have one that when the relationship was breaking down or was over set out to destroy me. It was a long time ago but I did have a sense of karma and I tried to at least make things amicable so our paths wouldn’t have to maybe cross in future lives but she knew my way of thinking and seemed to take pleasure in the possibility that we could meet up again so she could cause me more grief. I know now that’s not exactly how things work but at the time I wondered why things had to end so badly and now I know they don’t.
Yes, when we don’t question the ‘normal’ we just play out the script we have seen being played out around us for years when growing up, even though if we might get encouraged to feel what we truly would want to do in these situations this might be totally different.
Beautiful Michael, when we have love and understanding that our hurts are created by us and therefore to heal only by us it changes everything in how we go about and do life. Relationships are no exception; many hurts can come to the surface during the break-up of a relationship but what I have learnt and am learning is that it is never too late to heal and let go of them.
This is a beautiful blog. I never understood why we would want to cut off someone with whom we are obviously quite compatible. That feels very strange to me.
When a relationship does not evolve us any more there is the simple choice to break up and move on as that is true love because it needs to evolve to stay a livingness.
We all deserve to keep evolving and to let go of the relationship if this is not the case anymore. There can be so many reasons why people stay together that are actually not about love at all, but about needs, pictures and beliefs.
When we make love the basis of our relationships how ever can we then become resentful, hostile or dismissive to one another when the intimacy level of the relationship changes.
I remember when I first met Serge in a little hall for a Heart Chakra workshop some 11 years ago. I saw his then girlfriend and his ex-wife sitting together at the signing in desk. The workshop was an absolute knockout and from that day on I knew I had found truth BUT I couldn’t take my eyes off the two women, there were a million thoughts going through my head of how can it be that they are friends! So I was looking for any kind of dis-ease or annoyance between them… there was none! Absolutely nothing, but a love and deep respect and real appreciation for each other. It blew me away. I came from seeing marriages fall disgracefully apart, threats made on each other’s lives to not leave, absolutely annihilating one another and wiping each other out of their lives and their children’s lives to this divine reflection of love and respect in relationships. I’m sure the reflection you and your ex partner Michael reflected to those around you would have on some level left them in awe of what they were witnessing. Thank you so much for sharing.
A great inspiration the Benhayon are and you have taken it to heart and put into practice – separating from an intimate relationship need not be accompanied by drama, tears and bucket loads of other emotions. The love is still there, after all – but things and circumstances have changed and that needs to be honoured and openly communicated.
Well said Gabriele both in that the Benhayons are truly inspiring in their relationships and in how Michael has embodied and lived the inspiration.
Tears allowed ? But yes, not emotion-fueled ones.
The model we have today whereby a break up or major argument warrants completely cutting someone out of your life is absurd. So many people can relate to there being someone who were once their best friend, then they may have dated, it didn’t go so well and ‘I haven’t spoken to that person in 10 years’. As you’ve shared Michael this such a destruction and reduction of how great that relationship could be going forward as a friendship – who actually set the rule that you have to hate your exes?
I agree Susie it is absurd to once love someone and then wipe them out of your life. The ugly cycle continues when we then go into our next relationship closed off from not ending the previous relationship with love.
If it’s Love that you share how could it ever be cut off or ended? Stages of intimacy may come to a close but nothing can alter the Love that you feel unless you choose to shut it down. That’s something we have complete say in. Thank you Michael.
Well said Joseph for it is completely a choice as to whether one stays connected to the love or not. It is the letting go of the expectations and pictures that we have built about the relationship that makes maintaining the love challenging.
Yes and from hurt people do and say things that cause separation. Often it is the picture that hurt, not the person. And love and pictures have nothing in common.
Agreed, Love is Love, and it is a choice of energy that is lived or not and it does not choose favourites or turn off.
Well said, Joseph. If we are harbouring hurts or blame there is no chance of staying open, but when love is in the equation anything is possible.
When we close our heart to someone, we close our heart for our own love and choose to stay in some hurt or other emotions.
Michael, I love how you make what unfolded with your girlfriend, so very normal even though you are certainly bucking the belief system that humanity is firmly entrenched in; the system that says when you break up that’s the end of it and the idea of still being friends being totally unacceptable. That’s the attitude I had with the ending of most of my relationships, but the fact that I am able to have lunch with my ex-husband, shows that my attitude has well and truly changed; in a much loving way.