Iâve just voted in a nationwide contest for the 2018 Mother of the Year award, but the woman I voted for almost certainly wonât win. I didnât vote for myself, nor did I vote for my own mum. The woman I voted for is indeed an exceptional mum, but not in the way that wins these nonsensical awards. Let me explain.
Holding a contest where women vie to be awarded the best mother in the country is ridiculous. Itâs hard enough being a woman in this world today where our every move seems to be measured, compared, and commented upon and/or in competition with other women. Women are measured on their ability to do things, to achieve feats, to âmake a differenceâ on a grand scale. The last thing we need is to bring the role of motherhood into the mix, and yet we have now added mothering to this equation.
To be considered the best mother â as evidenced in the many reasons for nominating for Mother of the Year â a mother needs to give selflessly of herself, put others ahead of her, and needs to sacrifice her blood, sweat and tears for the sake of caring for others.
We define the role of a mother as one of sacrifice and so it follows that the women who choose not to do so, sure, they can be good mothers, but never the best, in the eyes of this Mother of the Year competition and also society. We could also now ponder on how such a way of mothering is in the eyes of her children…
We have given a very natural way of being â deep care â a whole new definition and ask women, who happen to be mothers, to bastardise deep care into meaning the woman must trade off her own wellbeing for that of another.
It is also interesting to notice that nowhere in the application form for Mother of the Year does it refer to the mother as being a woman. To me, this is a travesty, for if a woman has lost the understanding that she is a woman first and foremost, before she became a mother, then she is likely to tie her self-worth up in how she mothers.
The following phrases in italics are examples of reasons mums were nominated in last yearâs Mother of the Year competition.
- â… a mum who canât help giving even when she herself is in need of a little extra TLCâ
- â… a tireless mother who never complains about sleepless nightsâ
- â… often being exhausted but still having a positive natureâ
- â⊠the mother who never leaves her sick childâs side, âno matter whatââ
- â… pursue her dreams only after her children have pursued theirsâ
- â… a great mother because she makes sacrifices to look after a tribe of other children as well as her ownâ
- â… championed for getting knocked down, then getting right back up again â first checking that everyone else is okayâ
- â… thanking mum for always putting everyone’s needs first and never once putting herself firstâ
- â… âMum has always done everything for her childrenââ
- â… âMum has not eaten so she can keep food on the plates for us kidsââ
- â… âI have never seen my Mum break down or cryââ
- â… âMy mum has never asked for help.ââ
I think itâs time we questioned if we are celebrating the wrong behaviours.
What we actually want is for our daughters and granddaughters to know who they are as women first and to be able to ask for support when they become mums.
Perhaps too, we need to change the language around âbeing a mum.â For is a âMumâ something you turn into when children are in your lives or is it a word that in truth describes a ROLE of behaviour? If we were to understand this concept, we could never BE a mum, only DO mothering. We would remain the Woman first because that will never change.
The woman I voted for hasnât saved a childâs life from a rare incurable disease, fostered 17 children and completed a masters in astrophysics in record time, or battled through her own cancer and double mastectomy while never missing making a school lunch or getting her child to their French lesson on time.
She hasnât against all odds given birth while in a wheelchair, invited 10 homeless children into her house while she sleeps on the couch or isnât pregnant again for the 9th time â despite having always suffering severe pregnancy-related nausea, depression and premature deliveries.
We can all be awesome mums; we just need some guidance as to another way to do this.
Iâm being a bit ridiculous here, but you get my point. I write to expose the lies about what we think (the best) mother is and should be. The above examples are (only slightly) exaggerated reasons why someone has been celebrated as a better mother than another. We champion the achievements of what mothers do, like we celebrate the adventurer who makes it to the top of Mt Everest, without ever knowing or even caring about the impact that the desire to make it to the top has had on themselves, their wellbeing, and within their relationships.
Womenâs health is suffering on a global scale and I continue to wonder if it isnât our expectations, beliefs and ideals of what a woman and mother should be doing that isnât a very major if not the root cause of such illness and disease.
The woman I voted for truly cares for herself, and not at the expense of her family. Caring for oneself is not selfish. She is sensitive, compassionate, a hard worker, a woman who listens and constantly reads her children, always looking to understand why they make the choices they make. She knows profoundly how vital the relationship she has with herself is, in fact THE critical foundation to the relationship she then has with her children.
It is because of these gorgeous qualities that I voted for my friend. People need to see mothers celebrated because of the Woman they are, behind the doing-ness that motherhood has become. We all need to value how the connection we have with ourselves naturally leads to beautiful and true mothering.
And we need contests like these to be disbanded.
As mothers strive to outdo one another in the school playgrounds, so too do these Mother of the Year contests support competitiveness and false ideals and beliefs of how to be a mother and what is expected of women who choose to be a mother.
Mothers will always be busy â that comes with the territory â but how we do âthe busyâ is the difference. Our society does not need yet another cause asking women to do more and give more, no matter how subtle, without once asking them to stop and feel how loving they are with themselves first.
Mothers might well be the glue that holds a family together. They might well be always there for the children; they may be generous, kind, openhearted, giving, compassionate, devoted, selfless, great knitters and cooks, foster carers or countless other amazing qualities. But a woman should not be Mother of the Year if any of these qualities come at the expense of who she is, how she takes care of herself and how she loves herself. Without the relationship a woman has with herself, her mothering will be functional but empty and our society deserves better than just function.
Letâs mother like in the inflight safety demonstration: âPut YOUR oxygen mask on first before assisting others.â
By, Suzanne Anderssen, 43, B Com, Dip Av Air Traffic Control, mother, daughter, wife, friend and writer, Brisbane, Australia
Further Reading:
What is a Relationship with Myself?
Mother’s Day: special treat or sneaky trick?
Best Mother’s Day gift ever!
While not a biological mother, I do in my work take on the role of mother or responsible adult at times. I know without a doubt that I have to care for myself first before I am of any use or service to another. I can’t put others ahead of myself as the quality of what I then do/produce is much less.
Competition vies one against another or against many others and obscures the truth that we are all already who we naturally are, be it woman, man or child.
Suzanne thank you exposing societies utterly ridiculous imposition on women
“Womenâs health is suffering on a global scale and I continue to wonder if it isnât our expectations, beliefs and ideals of what a woman and mother should be doing that isnât a very major if not the root cause of such illness and disease.”
But I have to ask why are we as women putting up with this unrealistic view of how women should be. No wonder illness and disease is rife amongst women as we cannot keep up with societyâs expectations.
Absolutely Suzanne, appreciating our divinity first in the most intimate ways will let us feel the same in another. And this will deepen our relationship with everyone and open us to deepening our evolution.
This makes perfect sense, when women continually push themselves too much they will affect their health and well-being, ‘Womenâs health is suffering on a global scale and I continue to wonder if it isnât our expectations, beliefs and ideals of what a woman and mother should be doing that isnât a very major if not the root cause of such illness and disease.’
We can all learn so much from one and other, completion takes away our natural ability to share all of us.
God wanted us to share – not compete.
The beauty of when I truly care, love and honour myself as a woman is that this way of being not only has an impact on my children but it has an impact on everyone in my life; there is not a need to look for love on the outside as I am filled with love for self on the inside.
Ideals and believes on how one should be or behave in life is very strong. There is a different way to do things which is more supporting and nurturing for ourselves which then inspire others to do the same.
‘I think itâs time we questioned if we are celebrating the wrong behaviours.’ It so is when reading the list of why these women were put forward for the award – the perpetuation of the myth that putting others before you is something to aspire to when actually, if you don’t take care of yourself the care you provide is deprived of true vitality and joy. Receiving care from a sense of duty I found to be very destabilising and unnerving.
Yes, the award discussed in this blog is definitely celebrating a way of living that is detrimental to a womans health and well-being.
Imagine the backlash if we gave the Mother of The Year prize to the woman who was able to self-care the deepest, they’d be an uproar, which says a lot about just how ingrained the belief is for mothers to put others before themselves. The word ‘selfish’ comes to mind when I consider the response to applauding a woman for her level of self care, I got a feeling that this word would literally be spat at the woman who was crowned Most Honouring in Self-Care’.
Thank you Suzanne for taking pen to paper so to speak to expose such an extraordinary dysfunctional pattern in our society⊠I love the way that you are writing about what the awards are like, and how it fosters such deep dysfunction in our society⊠Pretty much like most if not every singing competition on television!
And what your comment makes me ponder on Chris, is if there is a single prize on Earth that actually confirms a quality, behaviour or skill that comes from true love and truth. Most, if not all prizes tend to be given for a skill or behaviour that identifies the individual in separation to everyone else, it singles them out as being ‘better than’ and in truth anything that does that is rein-forcing the lie of individuality. It would be much more truthful to award a prize to the person who, by their living way continually keeps reflecting to others that we are all the united consciousness of God and that there is no separation. And the winner is………………Serge Benhayon, hooray!!!!!!!!
When situations get grave the greatest support we can enact is to go deeper with Love. To move with more sacredness, to rest without restraint, to accept even more of our awareness thatâs there. Itâs these factors that will see us through, rather than pushing ahead at our own expense.
One day we will really understand as a society that any form of competition is not the way, in fact it is way way off.
Sam I agree and what a great day that will be for it will be the time that we no longer feel the need to have an us and them, a fight but instead an all of us together for whatever is needed to be done next.
We underestimate the power of being a role model for daughters and granddaughters, not by being a âsuper mumâ whose needs come last but in having confidence, sass, dedication etc., which comes from a strength in who we are.
If you want to choose ‘the best’ out of millions it may be easiest to reward somebody who displays the most extreme behaviours, which is unlikely to be ‘the best’.
Wanting to fit a model, an agenda or a lifestyle that has been set up for us to not succeed is what we are offered when we play the game of competition and comparisons in any field.
If the list of nominations you shared would be a job description I am not sure if many women would take the job but when it comes to mothering something happens that makes us women sort of put ourselves to the side. Yet as you share Suzanne when we don’t put our own oxygen masks on first we will not be well long enough to put our children’s oxygen masks on. Self-care is vitally important in mothering and it gives also this super important message to our children that this is important so they will naturally do too.
Everything that is presented here is so relevant for fathers too. Thereâs no task or heavy burden we need to take on – just be ourselves in our loving tenderness and the rest of life will be addressed naturally and held in a beautiful way.
A brilliant blog. ‘Mothers will always be busy â that comes with the territory â but how we do âthe busyâ is the difference. Our society does not need yet another cause asking women to do more and give more, no matter how subtle, without once asking them to stop and feel how loving they are with themselves first.’ We can all support each other to do this and my, how needed it is. Let’s begin to honour ourselves and bring a deep quality of love, care and nurture for ourselves equal to that we are willing to give our children. And let’s allow space in our day and in our night – we really don’t need to go a hundred miles an hour to get things done, and if we feel we do why not get up an hour earlier and start the day in a rhythm that supports us ?
When you feel the intention of such cards and competition of the best mum it is horrible and devalues everything. We can safely let go of such constructs and be simply ourselves in relationship with our child.
It’s true that we may lead an extremely ‘busy’ life, but there are always moments of space between conversations or tasks that, if utilised, can make busy feel effortless.
We need to hold onto the fact that we are women first and foremost before we even think for a moment about all the roles we do. They are not who we are, but I can relate to those âhatsâ we wear in our lives as women.
Competition sabotages the likelihood of us valuing, appreciating and honouring one another equally. Instead it encourages us to judge people as ‘less’ or ‘more’. It also teaches us to adopt an obsessional focus about being ‘better’ than another.
I do think women are the glue that can hold a family together (if not the world) and could you imagine what the family/world would look like if that glue looked vital, playful, engaged, sassy, sexy, beautiful, tender, fragile, powerful, loving etc… These are the qualities that women hold in spades but we forgo for the doing and forget they are there.
It’s crazy how we champion behaviour that puts ourselves last and as less important than others all for obtaining the picture of being a good mum, dad, daughter or son.
Agreed Julie and yet it is considered so important in society to sacrifice ourselves in a very self-destructive way.
Our mothers do need to be appreciated. But certainly not in this way. Mothers need to be appreciated for who they ARE and how much they are bringing THAT to what they do. NOT appreciated for solely their seemingly good parenting skills. And certainly not if they are doing it at the expense of themselves. It would be amazing to have events that inspire mothers to be the woman they are first BEFORE getting mothering correct. Mothering comes easy when they are living that foundation with themselves first.
Yes, ‘appreciating’ women for how much they harm or neglect themselves is hardly the way to go.
Caring for ourselves is way more powerful than we have ever conceded. We spend all our lives pursuing good deeds and worthy projects when cherishing ourself is all that is truly needed.
This is a key message. As a mother – I have seen how people try to define you in that role, but this is not all of who I am.
I am about to give birth and still working full time because my body feels great – but all I am asked is ‘why aren’t you on maternity leave relaxing’ – there are so many preconceptions around the roles a woman has, and being a mother is a big one. But if we can reflect that actually, we honor we are women first, then we send a different message out to society.
Wow the more I read this blog and all the comments the more I realize how important it is to bring our own truth to parenting, to being a mother and one that makes sacredness, nurturing and love at its core – not suffering for others.
We’ve shifted this award to be about how much we give rather than the fact we can be a role model and inspiration for many others. As a mum, as soon as I start doing things for everyone else, it totally flattens and exhausts me. Should that really be worthy of a medal?
Deepening the love for myself is the antidote for seeking recognition. Whenever I lose myself in the role as a mother, sister, daughter, sister-in-law etc to seek recognition I have lost connection to myself and everything is carried out functionally. It is function as a way of being that is championed in society and through function I end up living a life based on everyone else’s needs because of the lack of love for self.
It’s crazy to award women for putting themselves last and making them the hero of the day.
Competition by its very nature divides people, makes them anxious, deflated or elated but never settled and at ease. Recognising that having settlement and ease in the body is its preferred way of being and choosing it, would stop the craving and needing to win at the expense of the body itself.
Feel Love and we could never strive to be the best – when we all have access to heaven flowing through us.
I love this Joseph đ Nothing much to add or say.
The best what? Seriously how fleeting is it to be ‘the best’ anything. A nano second in time when we feel victorious but then it’s gone in a second and the spirit that is continuously and restlessly searching for identification is off again, desperately hunting down it’s next fix.
These roles we identify with are designed to circumvent and deny the true beauty we have to bring to life. We have everything naturally we will ever need to truly parent a child. We can be a âDadâ, âMumâ, âDaughterâ or âSonâ as long as we know we are all so much greater.
Competing is pure evil as it sets us against each other and invalidates the unique qualities we hold. The societal benchmark of being âa good motherâ is something that none of us should be seeking to achieve, let alone compete with other women for. It perpetuates the idea that women need to be self-sacrificing and that âdoingâ for others is our greatest virtue, when really our greatest virtue is the beholding love and stillness that is naturally within us.
A great article Suzanne showing to us what is behind the mother of the year contest, so amazing how we champion self abuse as the way a good mother is portrayed, I lived like that always giving myself away for the supposed good of others, making myself as not important, so far from what it truly is to mother, which is innate in every woman but must start with the woman seeing and claiming herself as a woman, that is worthy of looking after herself first, before truly mothering another.
We need to accept that our awesomeness comes not from our deeds but from the qualitiy of divinity we naturally reflect. The more we understand this and let it out, the less stressed we will be with lifeâs events.
‘We all need to value how the connection we have with ourselves naturally leads to beautiful and true mothering.’ We have lost the art of connection and the naturalness, ease, simplicity and wisdom that comes from this. Without it we end up pushing, driving, achieving, straining and generally exhausting ourselves out.
“To be considered the best mother â as evidenced in the many reasons for nominating for Mother of the Year â a mother needs to give selflessly of herself, put others ahead of her, and needs to sacrifice her blood, sweat and tears for the sake of caring for others.”
If this is the case then we are perpetuating a false role model of what it is to be a woman. And so is it any wonder that as women our health has suffered because we are trying to live up to other people’s values of what it is to be a mother.
The list of reasons for the nomination of ‘mums’ is a list of self-abuse.
Rather than mother of the year perhaps we could have the year of the mother and spend 12 months really examining whether the current model of mothering is actually working?
We demand a lot of our mothers and often mothers seek attention and recognition through these demands. You can get to the end of your life as a woman and still not know who you are because you have spent so much energy on those around you and neglected yourself. There is a difference between being selfish and living with self love. We as women can and need to embrace ourselves, live our potential and inspire others from this point.
Every woman is amazing, truly. And it is the amazing connection she has with herself that truly allows her to live this amazingness. This inner preciousness the connection with ourselves would never allow us to be treated or to treat ourselves like a doormat.
Adele fully agreed, its got nothing to do with a ‘suffering for another’ that these competitions tend to highlight.
There was a time when I would have completely fallen for and been taken by being the currently accepted version of ‘Mother of the Year’ – in fact I put a lot of effort into being recognised as a candidate for this accolade. All the while I was quietly dying inside, lost to a set of ideals that were always out of reach. Some years on, supported beyond appreciation by the work of Universal Medicine I am free of many of the barbs of this game and, getting to know myself better, accept and enjoy my strengths alongside others, realising that we are all learning together.
True mothering comes from our quality of being and the love and relationship we hold with ourself first and is a beholding energy we can all have. These competitions just serve to separate ourselves even more on a competitive level first built on the falsities of the role in the begining.
It ought to be the quality of the busy that is associated with being a mother that is championed and not the amount that is done or achieved because at the end of the day the greatest support for anyone including our children is not necessarily just what we do but how we go about doing it.
We put so much pressure on ourselves already being a women, then when it comes to going into motherhood we raise the bar even higher. But what we need to understand is that with these expectations we keep ourselves busy and numb to what we innately know and bring. Motherhood is very simple, it is not about what we do for others but the love and care we hold ourselves in and thus naturally everyone else equally. It is love and care that lets us strive not the good advice.
These competitions foster guilt – I’m not a good enough mother, kills the true support we can offer one another and ones self-esteem and natural authority – I’m meant to do this on my own though I’m not coping and I’m having to go into drive to do things which is exhausting; I feel ashamed for not being super woman, I am a failure!
The relationship a woman has with herself is what she brings to each relationship. If it’s empty, doing motherhood on function, can create many hurts and issues for those she is caring for. If she is fully present and honouring of herself, what a wonderful role model to learn how to be in this world, able to respond to life’s demands lovingly.
The qualities mentioned above for mothers do not allow me to feel anything about a woman with flesh and blood. It talks about some robot or non-sensing non-human that has no feelings about herself and do not see or meet herself. As a child or family, it would be devastating to feel a mother non-existent in feeling for herself, it would really concern me how she is truly caring for me.
Yes the word is devastating and it is greatly concerning. Though things are done there is a great emptiness as to purpose and already a selling out to ideas of what is good without any reference to what will truly support.
So something as simple as going to Girl Guides is done because it’s thought that that’s where the child will learn to socialize and make friends. This maybe so but if there isn’t a mother there to support and guide, the child is left negotiating interactions and all the difficulties that can go on outside the home without recourse to any true support.
Mmmm interesting Mother first before being a woman! ‘It is also interesting to notice that nowhere in the application form for Mother of the Year does it refer to the mother as being a woman.’ is says it all really in how we have got it so wrong, making first about the roles we play rather than who we innately are.
Very true Vicky. The word ‘mother’ becomes a label that can dismiss the fact that the mother is a woman first. No wonder women lose their sense of themselves when they become mothers.
The normal expectations of Mums is to put themselves last. This is even heralded as a “true selfless act”… and yet it dismisses the woman in who she is, and does not give her the foundation of self-care she needs in order to care for others.
Even before I am a woman I am getting to know an essence inside that is genderless; recognisable and equal in everyone I meet… this is opening up a whole new way of relating to the world, free of so much of the conflict and competition that I use to entertain.
What is the purpose of such competitions? Do women come away feeling more inspired about expressing their inner gorgeousness? Do they have a deeper appreciation of themselves and one another? Are they more aware and embracing of the glory and responsibility of living the sacredness that is their essence? If anything I would say these competitions put a dampener on all of this and ingrain the false belief that people’s worth is summed up in what they do and the acknowledgement they get.
To identify women with being the best mother, or being a mother alone is so devastating not only to the woman but to society as a whole. Women are so much more than the role of mother they may have in their life. But unfortunately that is not what is being celebrated with Mother day or the Mother of the Year award, there it is about the identification that makes us collectively to forget the true quality of deep care and of sacredness that women naturally hold and can share in whole their beingness.
The things we value in women in society is upside down. Her stillness, and ability to hold and nurture whilst giving people space is phenomenal. Yet no little girl grows up knowing this. Instead their heads are filled with ideals of having prince charming, the picket fence and a few kids and all the things that women have to do or be to achieve that.
‘We can all be awesome mums; we just need some guidance as to another way to do this.’ – Indeed, we need true role models who are reflecting true qualities such as the importance of deeply caring and honouring of ourselves.
Let’s not do this. Let’s not compare ourselves or compete with each other. Let us instead get together and share our inspiring stories, learn from one another and support one another to be and express the fullness of the glory that we each truly are.
The truth about any ‘of the year competitions’ is that there is no celebration of anyone except the ‘winner’. In this way we glorify one, over everyone… we diminish everyone who didn’t win, so one gets to feel great and the many, many, many, many, more get to feel like failures. We have set life up on this premise…. no equality, no equal-ness and no appreciation of the all.
If we took into account the whole picture of competitions, rather than just celebrating the winner we got to see the masses of those who didn’t make it. How the winner/s and those who didn’t win then go on to live and the longer term ill effects it brings that tiny moment of victory (or not) into a greater perspective to question “Why?”
They say weâre not very religious these days – but I disagree – and Iâd say we worship a grand diety called âfunctionâ. If you can get the fix to solve everything then my friend you are âthe manâ. Just take pain away so I can get on with my day – this is what we pray. Yet function doesnât truly function at all.
Yes Joseph , we are never not religious, the only question is to what deity we are connected to, are we connected to the deity of function or any other man made championed value, or are we connected to the universe, to God, our true origin that brings true quality and value to life.
Something that mothers are not particularly good at is appreciating themselves, appreciating the qualities we bring rather than focusing on what we have not done right. Guilt serves nobody, accepting, learning and moving on supports everybody in the family to grow.
How can we take care of other people when it comes from an attitude of permanent self-sacrifice? For a short time it may make sense but if there is no immediate need?
The true mother of the year being the women who embodies and lives for herself all the qualities spoken about here. There is no whiff of self-disregard, sacrifice or martyrdom in true mothering since we know that it is by reflection that we offer so much.
The competition is one thing, but the determinants of the winner is a whole different ball game of promoting unhealthy living.
It empowers me greatly to see clearly what is going on, the game that is being played and even championed to keep us women from who we truly are. I was born and am a woman first and foremost and this has to be honoured but I must remember if I do not choose to move in a way that confirms me I have invested in the picture of making myself less than who I truly am.
Getting caught up in the ideals and beliefs that a mother has to ‘sacrifice’ herself for the sake of her children and at the expense of her own health and well-being is not allowing our children to take any responsibility for themselves or showing them how to take loving care of themselves.
Yes, both parents and children get caught up. I remember reacting when my mother became less sacrificial when I was about 6.
It does seem a bit ludicrous to turn mothering into a competition when it is in fact an innate quality within every woman, regardless of whether she has born children or not. It just seems like another way to make one person feel amazing and hundreds of others to feel like losers, the very antithesis of mothering energy.
Yes, ludicrous also because being a mother is not WHO WE ARE, mothering is simply an innate quality that all women can access in their lives.
That we would consider that there is merit in never having seen our mothers break down and cry….what sort of unrealistic expectations are we placing on our selves and our mothers. It is not a weakness to express our vulnerability.
It is permission to express our feelings when our tears are without agenda just simply expressed.
So true Victoria, where have we gone so wrong as to not appreciate the power and delicateness that we all are, why is crying a bad thing? And how will that make the kids feel if they were to cry?
Why on earth do we have to make a competition out of everything, where there are winners there are also so called losers. Sometimes I wonder how some mothers do all that they do without dropping dead with exhaustion when they take little or no care of themselves, but I suppose it all catches up at some point in time.
I hated receiving prizes when I was young. Whenever I was celebrated for some âachievementâ it seemed to be yet another nail in the coffin in relation to my free expression. With any prize there came a label which I was expected to live to. There might have been a jubilation and a relief because the competition and scrutiny was over, but in reality a prize felt like a curse.
Even receiving a prize for the winner if we truly feel into it is not that great. Let alone the devastation of all those thinking they are less worthy because they did not win anything. The whole thing is damaging in more ways than we are willing to acknowledge.
In competition there is always a winner so therefore a so called ‘loser’ both labels that have nothing to do with the truth of who we are. Our value, recognition and acceptance is on very shaky ground if it is determined by what we achieve rather than who we are.
As women we each bring our own unique expressions, so I imagine the same would be true in the role of being a mother. It seems counter-intuitive to compare these different expressions when in essence our qualities are the same.
What a great point Jenny.
There is too much focus throughout society about laying down ideals and beliefs about how things ought to look. Instead we could be truly supporting each to connect with, understand and live our true unique expression of the oneness that we All are.
Calling someone ‘The World’s Best Mum’ is disrespecting all the other Mums in the world! There is no ‘best’, there are many amazing people, some of whom are Mums. We all have our unique expression and we all need to value ourselves and be valued for what we bring.
I am discovering these are just the beliefs that are obvious there are so many that are really subtle and sneaky like wanting the best for your child, that doesn’t seem an unreasonable desire but the fact it is not about the present moment, about realising they will grow through challenges etc puts all this pressure to give them an easy good life yet that has nothing to do with evolution.
And, albeit in a slightly different flavour, it is absolutely the same with Father’s Day. Being a Dad is one of the suits of armour that men wear – a suit or armour that crushes and hides the deeply and divinely sensitive man that resides within – again pure evil – because it is that sensitivity and tenderness that he most needs to tap into to find his true and magnificent expression and it is this sensitivity and tenderness that his children so desperately need to see, feel, hear and be amongst so that they too can be allowed to co-express the equal within themselves.
This is so brilliant to be exposing this..and so shocking to read the list that you wrote. This is nothing shorty of pure evil that is being peddled here – an evil that is ridding humanity of that claimed sacredness and deeply powerful divinity that only a woman can bring and that we so desperately, desperately need. This is so vile and so abusive and so insidious and so pervasive. Thank you for exposing the truth behind those seemingly innocuous pink cards and bunches of flowers.
As fathers day approaches in the UK, it is a great opportunity to reflect on how much these days can be laced with all our expectations about parenthood – where mothers day cards focus on the ‘pink, soft, loving and nurturing’ aspects of motherhood, fathers day cards are blue and focus on the more caring, protecting, providing aspects of being a father – the role model. But in my experience a father is all those things and so much more, they are equally soft and tender and loving and these qualities should be just as celebrated.
If the mother of the year awards tells me I am not a Living, breathing and feeling delicate human being, then whatâs the value of winning a prize to be door mat?
‘Women are measured on their ability to do things, to achieve feats, to âmake a differenceâ on a grand scale. The last thing we need is to bring the role of motherhood into the mix, and yet we have now added mothering to this equation.’ – We are as women trapped in the hamster wheel of always needing to be better, yet the wheel will never stop turning as it is an impossible task we have set ourselves out to do.
How exhausting it is if we fall into the trap of trying to live up to societies ideas of a âgood mumââŠ.just reading that list of so called accolades, I am thinking what are we condoning here as women? What role models are we meeting for future generations? Time to reflect on the world we want to see flourishing for our sons and daughters and break free of these outdated and self harming behaviours of the âgood mumâ.
The pressures we put on ourselves as mothers to live up to ideals is so destructive as I understand now that living to ANY image is living in disconnection – pretty crazy when we think about it as all our children want is connection!!!
A strong level of self care is a much needed base to parent from, without this we are parenting from a place of exhaustion focusing on the doing.
Working with mothers I can often feel the tension of wanting to be the best and how this can make the ideals and beliefs more entrenched behaviours. When we give ourselves permission to be real and raw we offer an opportunity to break down the trenches that have been built over time.
What would ever have us take on a Mt Everest type adventure in our life and why would we be so isolated from others, along with the disregard, stress and strain that these type of miss-adventures place on our bodies?
Could it be we have become so disconnected to the truly tender, fragile, delicate and sensitive beings we are because we had to harden, tuff-en up and dis-connect from the true love that resides in our divine essence, inner-most and or esoteric all one in the same?
If true how do we start to return?
For most if not all the return starts with at-least being gentle as in the Gentle Breath Meditation for most if not all of us are too far away from love to simply jump in at that level.
For more on the Gentle Breath Meditation go to;
FREE GENTLE BREATH MEDITATION
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=Free+Gentle+Breath+Meditation
The true values in our lives of being who we are is worth celebrating and not the doing and pushing ourselves so common in our upbringing and lives today. Deeply caring and honouring for ourselves and how we live first is the reflection and love we offer others and this is true parenting for ourselves first and our children and others everywhere. Competitions like this do not support the reality of the hugeness and love we truly are and are missing our connection and responsibility.
I love what you are offering here Suzanne, and yes lets put our oxygen masks on first and support each other in doing so by not judging but confirming instead how very important and self-honouring it is .
Exactly – can we put our own masks on first without being judged for it? Can we even let go of judging ourselves?
A valued and nurtured foundation of self-care, before any of the ‘doing’, is a great standard to afford ourselves the grace to live by.
Brilliant exposure Suzanne of the ideal and beliefs of what a mother âshouldâ be or is expected to be and the real value and gain for all, through what is offered when a woman mothers from her connection to who she knows she is first, without compromise. When a woman mothers from her connection to her essence, all that is shared in an inspiration, reminding, reflecting, fostering and holding true that this is the quality of connection we can all live with, nurture and honour for ourselves, regardless of whatever needs to be done.
Exhaustion is often worn as a badge of honour in mothering circles, and so often we hear âI do not have time for meâ I am a busy woman and mother and if I did not make space for supporting me I would also be exhausted, but I am not. And when we make space it is not about hours at the spa, although that can be lovely, it is about how we are with ourselves, gentle, supportive, caring or disregarding, these moments of love make a difference to our day which offers us space to regenerate. We all wash our face and clean our teeth, we all need to sleep, letâs make it a nurturing moment that supports not undermines.
Beautiful practical examples of how quality can support us and I agree exhaustion is worn as a badge of honour.
Beautiful simplicity brought to a gigantic malaise in society. Thank you Samantha for mothering all of humanity.
Could it be just like mothers day it is something that is held up once a year to celebrate women and true woman-hood should be celebrated every day as âa woman first and foremost,â so the loving nurturing ways of a deeply sacred women is at the fore-front of every true relationship.
We champion self-sacrifice when all along the greatest thing we can do for us all is build super strong foundation of Love within ourselves – everything else is a distraction.
And by building this foundation we really can support everyone around us – much more so than what we are doing currently with trying to enforce rules rather than inspiring true standards of love and care.
â⊠âI have never seen my Mum break down or cryââ Painting a picture of perfection and showing that you never cry is not showing our truth particularly to young boys.
Isnât this shocking in itself, I have cried in front of my children, it is not about dumping emotionally, which I am sure it can be, but sometimes you need to clear out something, be vulnerable, heal, some times the tears need to come instead of going hard. They know it is ok to cry if it comes up, they see a mother who is honest about what hurts and what she has to heal. The emotional, indulgent cry is very different I have done both, to offload and impose is not responsible, but to be open vulnerable and sensitive is very much a reflection that supports a childâs development.
This is something I am learning to allow more, the desire to be all together is a strong ideal and one that needs disgarding – lovingly.
Me too. I have cried, I have broken down, I have dumped, shouted, sulked and lost the plot. I have sometimes been very true in my expression and also been very emotional and untrue. I have been a very messy father at times; but I have constantly committed to being as honest and transparent and equal as I can…of course this deepens and evolves and of course I look back at some of the choices and things that I have done along the path as being not what they could have been. But I, like my children, am learning and hold myself no less or more than them along this journey. Would I get an award – certainly not! Am I an amazing father – yes, I am!
Love it Otto, I can say ditto to everything you have shared, I think it is really equalising like you share to be open about what your developing. At the moment my daughter is calling out anytime i react, she gets quite exasperated that I can’t just stop reacting now it has been seen as the harm it is, ‘Mummy that is the third time today!’ so is she reacting to my reacting – haha – it makes it a joint playful journey and certainly no perfection required.
The most horrible thing about ‘best mum’ competitions, is all the women who, because they did not win the prize, could potentially consider themselves as not being good enough at what they do, and therefore have difficulty with self-worth. And this is so because as a society we tend to raise our children to value themselves based on what they can do or achieve and for women, motherhood can be considered a great if not the greatest, achievement.
As long as we measure worth on doing rather than being we will have a society rife with self-worth issues.
Good points Suzanne, exposes the ridiculousness of these type of competitions. Too bad many women fall for these ideals and then suffer the consequences.
‘Women are measured on their ability to do things, to achieve feats, to âmake a differenceâ on a grand scale. The last thing we need is to bring the role of motherhood into the mix, and yet we have now added mothering to this equation.’
Yes, and as women we learn that the more/better we multitask the more we can take pride in ourselves, all at the expence of the quality of our own well-being.
It is a signal (exposing) of our times that we champion such values of what we are doing to our women. We need to wake up to truly see this. Conversations like this area good start.
Just the term ‘worldâs best’ is setting up a competition that doesn’t need to exist. It is so pointless.
“I think itâs time we questioned if we are celebrating the wrong behaviours.” I agree, its certinly the most important part of raising our kids to support them to stay the amazing people they are, it seems with the “mother of the year” we are skewing their value and worth away from who they are to something we want them to be that is not them. Not great.
The list of reasons for nomination are truly shocking in that superficially they appear, and are generally accepted, as being honourable and to be inspired to be, however, on deeper analysis they are so flawed. The most profound form of teaching is by example and in truth the example shown by these accolades is how not to love, for how can you truly love another if you do not love yourself first and by that be an example of love?
Great blog Suzanne, we are women first and foremost. So you could say with your list of what puts you in the running for Mother of the year is ones ability to abuse oneself, putting others needs before your own. Not something we should be championing. It doesn’t make sense or is not even possible for a tired and exhausted body to be able to offer loving care to another.
If we do not teach children responsibility and learning to care for themselves when they are small how are they to learn this in adult life without resistance and a struggle.
Fiona a great point and yet protection and self sacrifice is what for many denotes a “women” or “person” of the year. Time to rethink our societies views on this and ask if that truly is healthy.
My body shudders at anything where we are encouraged to be in competition with another, what happens if we are to win? – such grand accolades are often false.
So true. The separation that such a competition creates between all the participants, as well as the disappointment and fury aimed towards you if you do win is horrible. When the frenzy created by the competition itself wears off and if you are the winner when the fleeting high moment subsides, everyone is left with less true confidence and greater devastation.
Perhaps it should be children who are voting and perhaps we’ll find that no mother is better than any other.
‘We can all be awesome mums; we just need some guidance as to another way to do this.’ – What we need is some true role modelling, someone that reflects that we don’t have to strive to become ‘better’, someone that shows us that our first and foremost task as a woman and mother, is to deeply nurture and care for ourselves, and that from there we are fully equipped to attend to others.
What a set up? Great expose of the ridiculous notions of what constitutes ‘a good mother’ in our society. This competition reflects something that must have been born out of the 1950’s ideals of what it meant to be a ‘good’ wife, mother and women which was clearing requiring a subservience that does not truly serve anyone.
How awesome that we can see through this nonsense so clearly. I would hate to be lost in trying to compete for any titles!
By doing everything for our children we do not teach them to be dependant responsible and young adults.
‘I think itâs time we questioned if we are celebrating the wrong behaviours.’ – I could not agree more Suzanne – what you have brought to light is something we truly need to address, not only in our own lives but in society in general. A mother’s (and hence women in general, due to the role modelling) lack of self care and self nurturing is seriously taking us down the wrong path and creating disharmony and misery on the whole.
Greater than any trophy or prize is living connected to your heart. Everyone wins then.
Mother of the year competitions – do they support extremely sacrificial behaviour? Looking at the comments in the blog that seems quite possible.
That this competition didn’t even mention she was a woman totally ignores and discounts the fact that women are women first and from the sacredness we hold as women it is then we can live a life that can truly inspire.
Even if it is part of a woman’s life having children and being responsible in raising them, being a mother is not who she now is – though of course she will be using mothering energy. I’ve not had children and have had to see through the illusion that this makes me less of a woman. I’ve also experienced having friends who’ve had children and seem to have lost themselves to the role of being a mum.
And what about ourselves? Do we appreciate us for the preciousness we are, or do we constantly measure our activity next to a never ending to do list? Time we showed ourselves some true mothering and nurtured our qualities.
“But a woman should not be Mother of the Year if any of these qualities come at the expense of who she is, how she takes care of herself and how she loves herself.”
Hear, hear, Suzanne, hear, hear.
These competitions are actually contributing to the immense pressure women are under as mums rather than alleviating it, women need to be celebrated for who they are – not pitched against each other in ridiculous competitions that eat away at our self worth and play on our emotions.
“A tireless mother who never complains about sleepless nightsâ is not in a position to be able to lovingly care for a child, in order to be able to care for others we need to love ourselves first, that does not mean we do not attend to our children it means that we make sure we care for ourselves and our children equally so.
The ill trait amongst most women to compare themselves with one another and to compete with each other instead of deepening their care and commitment to one another, is bad enough. Why are we setting up formal competitions that feed this?
We may feel very comfortable as children with our mums doing everything for us, but underneath we hate it because we know her not to be the love we know her to be and that she actually is abusing herself for us. As love never ever can be abusive and always honours everyone equally it is against everything we know to be true. But when that is the best we can get we start confusing self-sacrifice for love and thatÂŽs what we take into life as adults.
Yes, we can have a mother who does a lot for us but at the same time never received anything but emotional love from her.
When a woman gives everything to others and does not take care of herself what example is she actually giving her children to take care of themselves? Does this cycle then not repeat in the next generation? So why do we champion and celebrate this unhealthy pattern being passed on?
I hated it as a child seeing my mom sacrifice for us but didnât understand why until much older and I became a mom sacrificing to my son. It felt like a force telling me what should be done but I had to do it in disregard to myself and it felt awful.
We need to start voting for and appreciating in everyday life the mum who looks after herself so well that she is able to deeply care for and nurture many people, not just those she gives birth to.
Itâs true that âWomenâs Healthâ is so much more than just treating illnesses that relate specifically to women, but itâs actually to do with how we value and consider women in society, in our relationships and all of our interactions, how a female body is treated and so forth. Abuse and sexualisation in the media for example is a huge detriment to womenâs health.
‘What we actually want is for our daughters and granddaughters to know who they are as women first and to be able to ask for support when they become mums.’ once a woman knows who she is first as a woman then all her qualities are reflected in her expression and can in turn inspire young girls to know who they are.
As if life is not challenging enough due to the strains of everyday life we maximize the stresses by the so-called ‘good, better, best’ we impose on our otherwise very natural and harmonious beingness, believing that we would improve life, improve ourselves and do a great service to others. It would make much more sense to nominate the greatest lostness through ideals and beliefs and expose them for the atrocities that they are.
I like that Alex, ‘nominating the greatest lostness through ideals and beliefs’ that is something worth exposing. We find when these are stripped away we are simply a full being, without identifying with the specific doing to prove any sense of worth.
The ideals of being a god ‘Anyone’ like being the best mum etc are killing us, first by abandoning our true nature and beingness, then literally by illness and disease. The high ideals of good are hostile to life.
“What we actually want is for our daughters and granddaughters to know who they are as women first and to be able to ask for support when they become mums.” This alone is transformational for women â I know from experience that just understanding these two elements would have entirely changed my experience of new motherhood.
How well do we know this travesty of true care and nurturing? How often are we championing those who push on, self neglect and diminish themselves in the name of caring or serving? If we examine this closer and look at where young women are today then we should come to the conclusion that the role models we choose have not left us with a generation of deeply loving, caring, self-respecting, self loving or nurturing women.
So in the eyes of this competition we are to champion keeping up a brave face, pushing on well past our boundaries, self-abuse, shut down our sensitivity and contract away from our grandness in the false belief that this is humbleness. So in short, we are championing being less then who we truly are and setting a standard of very low values when it comes to ourselves. The illusion in this is that we think we can from this place care for others, whereas, how we are with ourselves is the only thing that determines the quality of what we give to others. If we become empty vessels what we give to others will not only be empty too but in the end will only serve to fill our own emptiness.
“What we actually want is for our daughters and granddaughters to know who they are as women first and to be able to ask for support when they become mums” – yes totally Suzanne, and what we also actually want is for them to know from a child the importance of love as the founding quality in a family; a love that comes with the expression of intimacy, openness and honesty to create sisterhood, a helping embrace of mutual cohesion. When we have these qualities, there is no way we would or could congratulate a woman, our mother or respect them more for being our mum when they are depleted and not looking after themselves. When there is love, there is only more love wanted – for everyone given its limitless supply of bounty.
We never can be the best in anything, let alone being the best mother. It is a tale we all have fallen for but will never give us any true satisfaction, it will only foster the rot that competition brings to our relationships and our societies.
Yes and the pressure therefore not to make mistakes trying to perfect ‘good mother’ or ‘best mother’ are immense, I wonder what parenting would look like if mothers started to accept their imperfections.
You never can be a MUM, or a FATHER. Both are natural roles we live when we are with children but never can be owned or being personalised. It is just one of these ill behaviours we have created for making life about us, us as individual.
Well said Suzanne – we are rewarding the wrong behaviours without a doubt, we are seeing the role as a mother almost completely inside out of what it truly is!
This is brilliant and very important – to debase the illusion of what mothering is. And I like the way that you have likened our celebration of motherhood to extreme feats of physical endurance such as climbing mount everest. In my experience I have found this to be true – that mothering, especially in the early years, really was like running a marathon or climbing a mountain as the way that I approached it had the same kind of physical demands – demands that ultimately left me with severe exhaustion.
Very true, this is a role that we as women need to step out of in order to reflect to our daughters, sons and men that sacrifice has nothing to do with genuine love and care, a quality that can only be present if women first and foremost are honoring, loving and deeply caring for themselves.
Susanne I love this, you have brought an incredible piece of light and truth to a way of thinking that needs to be shifted. If one can not care for themselves how can they truly care for another.
Instead of handing out medals for self-sacrifice and endurance what our world needs now is champions of our innate Sacredness.
Great point Joseph. We have seriously got it the wrong way round.
I can’t help realising that as much as I know that as much as I know what you share to be truth, I wonder why it is not something we are encouraged to live. Why would that not be the case when we ALL benefit?
It should never come at the expense of our own health otherwise what love are we offering our children and our families? A love that is scraping the bottom of a very empty barrel and therefore full of resentment and bitterness and giving vital resources to another.
It is a travesty when we have labels and expected ways of how to express under those labels. This limits us from the expansiveness of being in the moment without any preconceived thoughts or plans, sensing what is required in that specific constellation and allowing our Soul to express in a manner that supports the All, which includes ourselves.
Hear hear let’s disband these contests and get off the crazy train.
That our whole life model is set up around struggle and self-sacrifice is no coincidence. These issues are just a convenient way of us numbing our power and what we feel. Thereâs no hiding in simplicity and easiness.
“Letâs mother like in the inflight safety demonstration: âPut YOUR oxygen mask on first before assisting others.â ” So well said Suzanne. If we as mothers dont take true care of ourselves first, how can we possibly take true care of another?
Feeling very aware today of how I still grade myself on performance, this article is really touching a cord and waking me up more to the awfulness of the set up we have created which puts competition, comparison and dismissive disregard of ourselves as, at best normal, at worst something to celebrate.
The responsibility and joy of relationships in all our roles is very clear and simple when the ideals and beliefs are got out of the way and we listen to all we feel from within in connection to ourselves from a loving , deep caring and honouring way of living.
I wonder how the the Runner Up’s of this competition feel? Congratulations – you are the world’s third best (but not quite best) mum. What an uplifting title…
Well said Susie. Its one sure way to make any mother feel as though she is not quite good enough.
Even to have the contest puts women in comparison and judgement of themselves. Mothering is something that many women do with guilt. Contests like this offer nothing supportive.
The mother as being a “sacrificial role” is an indictment and handicap to society and to the world; the mother as a woman to be held by herself and others too as this, and in honour of this first and foremost, is our/humanity’s restoration from its handicap.
Well said Zofia, indeed when we, as women sacrifice ourselves to fulfill an imagined role of any kind then we sacrifice restoring grace, beauty, stillness and God to the world and for what? To rush around on behalf of everybody else, completely wiping ourselves out in the process. Life is set up to keep women scavenging around for pellets of praise and in doing so, out of their true power.
It does not make sense that we have competitions which essentially champion being self-disregarding as a mother, when this is not being a good role model to children in the first place and the most important way children can learn is from the reflections we offer them and supporting them to stay with their own loving way as they grow up.
Anything that becomes a competition is always looking to judge someone as being more than another, when, the truth is, for the most part we all do what we feel is in the best interests of our children. Which is why it’s so important for us to truly know and live what it means to take care of ourselves first, otherwise how can we ‘know’ what will best support our children.
Exposing of how misguided we can be in what we idealise as something we should aspire to which is not lived from our true nature.
Parenting is definitely a science and in most cases has to start with us, which has to be the first step towards understanding what it was like to have a true relationship with your-self. So could this be the decency and respect we show our selves along with the boundaries we understand about life, that will serve us well so this will carry-over to when we are being custodians of a child? For more about ârelationshipsâ go to;
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=RELATIONSHIPS
These competitions are obscene and foster an image of women as being totally devoted to others, her children, all and sundry, and caring for everyone before looking after her own needs. And yes, someone is going to find a mum who does all of this AND looks after herself, but that is the obscenity â trying to win a trophy or advocating for it whilst being immersed in the very same murky and putrid goo, also called ‘acceptable, ‘applauded’, ‘normal’, ‘desirable’.
I can think of anything worse than creating the role of mothering into a position we are judged on, graded and set against every other woman who has born a child. Its so not what mothering is about nor should it define the woman.
‘Women are measured on their ability to do things, to achieve feats, to âmake a differenceâ on a grand scale.’ – I takes deep commitment to ourselves and a true understanding of the absolute preciousness of ourselves as women, to stand up against society’s trend to measure eachother and ourselves by what we achieve and how ‘good’ we are.
This is a bomb of a blog Suzanne!!!! â Fabulous, and so-o-o-o worth celebrating!!! I am sharing this everywhere as it is the best article I have ever read around Mother’s Day. Thank you for your expression.
I grew up with exactly the role model described in the blog. Sacrifice would be the word I would use most to describe how I saw being a good mother. In fact that is what a woman should strive for. So I did and by the time my child was two I was so exhausted I knew it couldn’t go on like that. I also began to realise that all the selflessness was actually very selfish. It was all so I could feel worthy, to be valued and loved for what I did, rather than me loving who I am as a woman first. This need puts a huge pressure on our kids to deliver and causes a lot of resentment when it is not!
A Beautifully exposing sharing of the lies and beliefs in motherhood and the reality of truly looking after ourselves first with the love this brings.
So true, so many lies, very little truth.
I love what you bring to the fore here, exposing all the beliefs that we hold about motherhood. We are so caught up in being the good, self-sacrificing, 24-hour, always coping mum that we are blinded how much this drive actually hurts us. There is nothing wrong with taking care of ourself first, and very deeply so, in fact it is the greatest way of being a role model for our children.
‘We champion the achievements of what mothers do,’ …. without any consideration as to the consequences of these ‘achievements’ and how they truly affect both mothers and their children. In the process we are forgetting the amazing position that we are actually in, as ‘mothers’, whether children are physically ours or not; we are custodians of these divine little beings, who rely on us to take care of them while they grow. It’s for us to love, nurture and support them in learning how to live their divinity in this life, for they are already everything that they need to be.
The moment we seek outside ourselves for accolades and confirmation, we are lost to the tide of all that threatens to uproot us from our innermost self.
At the mercy of voracious competition, looking for confirmation, reassurance, an identity and/or sense of self-worth outside of ourselves is a futile and desolate game.
I love it and feel this may well be the next big thing! The headline would read … Woman looked after herself and therefore was ready for what life presented to be attended to!
Very inspiring article exposing the lies about what most of humanity think is a âgreat motherâ and why these ideals and beliefs are harmful to both the woman and the children.
Indeed, there are no winners in the false beliefs around motherhood.
If we cannot self nature how can we role model true care?
Yes, truth in a few words. A simple question to ask and sit with.
The reason women were nominated, that have been listed are shocking to read. It makes me sad to think that this is what women are competing for.
I agree Rosie, this is not at all honouring of the delicate and beautiful beings we are. It is like we are asked to go to war.
As women we all have the natural ability to express the truth of who we are and the beautiful mothering qualities we bring. These qualities are to be shared with everyone not just children we give birth too.
The list of you describe in the mother of the year awarded are the types of attributes that leave us with illnesses like osteoporosis which is all too common in older women. Isn’t it time that women are encouraged to care for themselves, to love themselves and honour themselves so that they can offer this way of being to others.
I absolutely agree mothering is not about competition its about a natural quality all women hold. I personally don’t have any children, but I share my mothering quality with everyone adult or child.
Changing the way we view what it means to be a good mother would support all mums everywhere to honour themselves first, before applying the great dedicated care they offer, but not at the expense of their own well-being.
Could this aberrated interpretation of ‘careâ also be behind such a high rate of burnout in the care industries, and also such activities not being valued and appreciated as highly as other roles?
âWe have given a very natural way of being â deep care â a whole new definition and ask women, who happen to be mothers, to bastardise deep care into meaning the woman must trade off her own wellbeing for that of another.â This is certainly not worth celebrating in any shape or form.
The reason these parameters described are used is because it self-perpetuates the comfortable low-level life we can have so much relief in.
We should be celebrating each other every day; then there would be no need for one day a year to be designated to specific people or their job titles, i.e. secretary’s day, mothers day, fathers day, grandparents day.
I agree celebrate each other everyday, just the way life used to be many thousands of years ago.
I agree, Julie. it feels so very false to celebrate someone on one day of the year, with all sorts of proclamations which aren’t shown or lived on any other day during the year. Love is shown through the consistency and quality of our movements. It is deeply felt well before it’s expressed in words.
Superb article Suzanne and your expose is very much needed. Restoring the woman behind the mother is essential and provides a real role model to the family, one that understands the need for and power of self respect, self care and connection to our inherent qualities that then underpin every thing we do. It is very evident that kids raised by a woman who knows her self first and foremost have an easy confidence, self awareness and natural concern for others that is a joy to interact with. True mothering is not about self sacrifice, its about imparting correct and loving ways to live with self and one another.
With Mother’s day coming up next week, we get the opportunity to ask ourselves similar questions. What are we actually celebrating on that day? How much a mum does for us? How much she is willing to sacrifice herself? Are we honoring her first for the glorious woman she is or for the role she has? Great for me to take to my mum as well and appreciate every aspect of her being every single day.
Parvati, the Indian god with many arms, is this the image of what motherhood has become?
A competition which celebrates the bastardisation of ‘deep care into meaning the woman must trade off her own wellbeing for that of another’has serious consequences in society: responsibility gets all mixed up and confused; people aren’t learning to do their part which ultimately causes tension and conflict, and ill health. We need to look at what we are celebrating in society.
It sure is Fiona, after all if we do not look after ourselves how can we expect to look after others?
Suzanne, great blog starting the conversation that it does not matter who we are, whether we have children or not we can all be and are parents to everyone. Just because a child is not biologically ours does not mean we should not treat them with the same love and care we would if they were ours.
Our whole society is geared to competitions of some sort or another and to ‘win one’ is basically pat on the back to say we are good enough and acceptable to others. What if we loved, honoured and treated ourselves with deep reverence and in appreciation of our preciousness – there would be no need of any other trophy – being ourselves and knowing we are always enough, without doing anything – this would then be enough for others feeling the reflection of our inner joy and warmth our fiery heart.
Yes it seems to feed our need to feel special, to stand out and be noticed. If we build a relationship with ourselves that says ‘I don’t need the world to tell me I am ok” we are never going to get below this need for recognition and acceptance.
Without connection to us first everything we do is like a frame without a picture in it.
Another example how having a child and being a mother got bastardised from the true original meaning of it. What if being a mother would be about raising a child for the all and nothing that I do for myself ? You could say, then I can justify to give myself away. The answer is NO- when you know and accept this responsibility, you know you donÂŽt own this child, so why not getting help and support from others then? We would rather choose being a role model of quality than of function and self-abuse as weÂŽd knew that this is not what society needs to get reflected by the child, that is there for everyone to reflect the truth.
It is bad enough that we have pictures and expectations in life that push people into displaying a fraction of the fullness that they could otherwise be inspired to express, so let’s not set up events and institutions that actually champion and award such a travesty.
We should be celebrating ourselves every day for being the amazing women that we are
I agree celebrate ourselves, we are worth the celebrations, the beautiful loving and mothering energy we all bring to everyone. When we can appreciate ourselves we don’t need competition and specific days, that come round once a year, we celebrate daily.
Yes Jane, when you read the list of attributes of ‘best mother’ the woman is absent all focus on children or family. This is self abuse and shocking we openly condone it.
An inspiring conversation for all mothers and especially those who have not given birth to a child to connect with and appreciate innate mothering qualities available to all of us.
Very true Kehinde it sure is and shows us the responsibility we have to others and the difference we can make.
We all have a responsibility to others, whether we have given birth to a child or not. Live is about responsibility and building relationships with everyone.
Thanks, Suzanne, I ran a workshop today for parents, which happened to be all mums, and it was incredible to hear how guilty they feel about taking any time for themselves, that they are failing as a mother if they could not complete everything, ticks all the boxes and have a spotless home at the same time. It was lovely to feel them open up to the possibility that investing in themselves and creating space could give them more energy and vitality to enjoy life… and perhaps they could even learn to delegate sometimes!
Amazing, Janet! It is sad that we have strayed so far from ourselves that we have to learn things like this in a course but on the other hand great you offered this and that they were open to investing in themselves.
When and/or why do we lose the natural sense of our worth and place in the world that we have as children?
“Holding a contest where women vie to be awarded the best mother in the country is ridiculous.” This is true, we are all great mothers in our own way and own expression and how lovely would it be if we would deeply appreciate all women equally. And when there is a case of bad mothering, as in disregarding the children we have to look at why this is so, and what is going on for the woman that she expresses like that, and support where needed instead of judging from a distance. Our world could be far more in brotherhood and cohesiveness so we can all be supported in being ourselves.
I love this Lieke. An invitation to live in a way that we see when people are struggling with anything and offer support rather than judgement and comparison. I know I appreciate guidance and input when it is shared with love.
I agree, we have been celebrating behaviours of women that stem from a lack of self-worth and are therefor always trying to confirm that worth by doing more. Yet the key is in feeling we our worth, however uneasy it may seem, before we do something because as the ‘a bit crazy’ examples show, we would go far for standing out and getting this recognition if we don’t feel how worthy we are ourselves first – without doing anything.
Why do we need mother of the year competition in the first place for this on itself is already telling hat we have lost track. This comparison and competition thing could possibly be at the root of how we think life should be lived, in this case as a mother, but the same counts for a father or any other role you might have in life. In truth life is not about comparison or competition but more so to live to your inner heart and live and share this way of life to the best of your ability for others to learn form and visa versa.
Yep it is crazy isn’t it.
I would ask why we need competition of any kind? Many would champion it as a positive thing and that it is part of life, but when we stop and feel the negative impact this has on us overall, it would make sense to question it’s validity and consider other ways of being.
Rachel, the problem here is no one really stops to think about the impact, they don’t truly understand how harming competition is for all involved, as it sets people up to fail and feel bad about thesmelves when they don’t win.
We pick up and form ideas of what it means to be a mother, a wife, a good daughter and all of these roles we take on dictate how we should act, especially as they have been performed in a certain way for generations. When do we actually stop and say ‘hold on a minute, why can’t I put myself first for a change’.
I love The Everest analogy as this is what so many mothers who put being a mum first before being a woman are doing, in my mums era being Catholic they were pregnant for years having many children and basically this kept them busy from dawn till dusk without any thought for themselves. Nowadays it is rare to have so many kids but may even be more intense for the super mums that have a career to boot. This is a great blog that exposes how far off truth this best mum competition is that reflects life today.
You rock da house, Suzanne! Love this to bits….I could not believe the amount of comparison and even jealousy I experienced after I had children – particularly from âfriendsâ. It was almost as if, putting children before your own wellbeing was a competition to see who could run themselves down the best! Yet though as a mother this was expected, I was also unprepared for the loss of equal status as a human being….it was almost like a switch had been turned off and my viewpoints were no longer considered viable. I had to listen to the âexpertsâ and not my own intuition or feelings about how to be a parent. If lived long enough, the erosion of your self-worth is huge and no wonder health issues are increasing when we actually celebrate âI come lastâ. Perhaps the reason why mothers are treated like second/third class citizens is because thatâs how they learn to treat themselves just to get a bit of recognition for the incredible work they naturally would do anyway. It is ridiculous….and some of the best nurturing and mothering comes from those who donât even have children. Great read.
Hi Peta, indeed there seems to be a relationship between why women are being treated like second/third class and their investment in being a good mother in order to get some worth of self from, that then only can come from comparison and competition with other mothers.
To offer another true care we need to be truly honouring and nurturing ourselves first because then we have something to offer… and we are not offering true care when it is at the expense of ourselves.
This really is the right way round, and it is a perfect model for the rest of life.
What is it that has us turning every aspect of life into a competition and How does it truly support us?
It is our thirst for individualism. We can identify ourself by being the winner or the looser, which gives us a high and a low moment whenever we want to. But it will never really satisfy the true thirst inside us: the thirst for connection and love. Which is obviously the exact opposite of what plays out in the world of separation and competition.The reward and recognition is simply a mere medication for the actual hurt of not being seen and loved for who you truly are. And needing to outplay another to cover up this hurt does then create further separation in us, which more and more lets us drift apart even more from the truth and our innate knowing.
Compete compete compete, it really is crazy how much we compare ourselves with in order to feel good or get recognition for something we have done rather than simply celebrating ourselves for the love that we are.
The reality of true mothering has got lost in our society and the idea of self sacrifice on all counts and has been given merit to in the neglect of ourselves and the way women’s health is today shows this clearly. It is so refreshing and makes sense of the importance of self care and a loving relationship with ourselves firstly and from there the love and bountiful presence can be felt by all and is a deeply beautiful way to live. The exposure of this competition reveals all.
Spot on Tricia, when women make themselves the sacrificial lamb all suffer, the woman, partner, and children. Why not instead, offer our families a reflection built on an inner foundation of love, deep self worth and appreciation. Women who struggle with relationships within the family, often struggle with their own relationship with self. Self care and love is the foundation from which true mothering qualities are released healing self and others.
‘We can all be awesome mums; we just need some guidance as to another way to do this…’ So, true, Suzanne. We don’t have to run ourselves ragged to earn that title of being awesome.
Totally agreed we are already Awesome to begin with!
The list of reasons mums were picked for ‘mum of the year’ seem more like reasons I would consider a mum to be in complete disregard for herself in a way that gives her power away to everyone based on a complete lack of self-worth and even self-loathing, based on these examples of pushing their body way past where it wants to be just to find some kind of recognition and acceptance from outside of them.
There are many options out there I have used to not just be myself and care for myself as a woman that have lead me to ill health. What I love is that this blog is exposing these options that are taking us further away from the innate love and wisdom we have as a woman and what we could truly bring to mothering.
The games of being selfless is sold as the ultimate badge of motherhood. How false is this lie when it comes to reading and noting the growing rates of illness. disease and exhaustion that plagues so many women.
This is so spot on Suzanne. “But a woman should not be Mother of the Year if any of these qualities come at the expense of who she is, how she takes care of herself and how she loves herself.” No one, mother or not, should put themselves in any situation where their true qualites are at the expense of who they are and how they take care of themselves.
These competitions simply expose how the consciousness in women is stuck in the old cycle of being measured and judged by what they do rather than who they are in truth.
Brilliant article Suzanne, exposing the ill-behaviours of the ‘self sacrifice trap’ which is like women being sacrificial lambs being offered for slaughter. The points you share highlight how wearing the face of the ‘good and selfless mother’ are the very things that are at great expense to the true health and wellbeing of women.
“I think itâs time we questioned if we are celebrating the wrong behaviours”.
Bam and the truth be told. Well said Suzanne, exposing the rot and the evil that is behind saying a woman needs to put everyone else first to be an ‘amazing mother’. Absolute abuse and absolute corruption at play. A woman, as you say, is a woman first and foremost and then she does being a mother. That is what we need to celebrate and encourage more of – not the seemingly self-less acts of martyrdom.
I wonder if it would be illuminating to do a longitudinal study on women who were nominated for such an award? How did their physical and mental health develop compared to other, similar women?
Great point Michelle – a child can never truly be fooled, but they can learn to convince themselves that what they feel is wrong. Hence when they feel that Mum is stressed, tired and stretching herself, they accept it as normal.
There are so many different situations where under a different banner similar things are happening. I just spoke with a friend who shared she had been to a networking event where everyone gets to pitch one minute. It felt like she had been in an arena, thrown in front of wolves, trying to be better than the other and to attack each other pretending that we are just doing our best. We are far off from truly working together and appreciating each and everyone of us.
If we simply take a moment to consider the flight attendant’s request about putting on our own mask before trying to take care of someone else, we would see that it is not even logical to do anything else. Let alone the fact that by being a martyr and not taking care of ourselves we set an example for our children to do the same in their lives.
Granted there is no perfection and at times we don’t get the balance right and we may need plenty of practice to be able to take care of ourselves as well as caring for other areas of life we are interested in. But to actually champion a behaviour that does not honour ourself and everyone equally is not something I would personally choose to get behind.
By championing this false, neglectful way of living for ‘mothers’ we are raising generations who are being ‘taught’ to carry on the same harmful behaviour, rather than growing up knowing how important it is to take care of yourself first, for then you can share the fullness of who you are, rather than an empty, exhausted shadow of your former self.
Yes, receiving from an exhausted person often simply feels wrong as it is so obvious – unless there is a major crisis – that they need to take care of themselves and even in such a case it is possible to move mountains and still have energy.
I love the point you raise, Suzanne, about us not needing to have children to go into mothering behaviour. I have witnessed a lot of ‘mothering’ behaviour without a child in sight. It can very very instinctive for us to want to take care of others, but, as you share, if we are not taking care of ourselves first, the quality of our care is empty. However, the complete opposite is true when we look after ourselves first. The depth of the love we show ourselves is felt by everyone else.
Yes I agree Alison I have caught myself going into that energy of mothering and then realised that I was lacking that caring and nurturing for myself. Such a great opportunity to cut such a dominating energy run.
Never asking for support or help is something that’s praised, but could this in fact be a major contributor to why mental health conditions are on the rise and so many people experience an inner anxiety and tension?
Yes, I have always wondered what the point is of doing things like climbing Mt Everest if we destroy ourselves and our bodies in the process. Why is it celebrated when someone disregards themselves to achieve an ideal that does not serve anyone?
What is being a mum when we all have a collective responsibility to raise our communityâs young?
It seems crazy to celebrate a woman neglecting herself and at the end of the day what quality of care are the children getting if their mother is so depleted. We seem to have it all back to front; wouldn’t it make sense to have the mother vital and loving herself, which in turn will be reflected back to her children and then they can choose to do the same with their children.
Mothers have been putting on their kids oxygen masks before themselves since day one which is missing the point that we can’t truly care for another unless we care for ourselves first.
“Caring for oneself is not selfish.” Is this not something we all should learn from day one???? I am wondering why most of us had lost this wonderful insight.
How to be as a mother and what is “right” to do is such a huge bubble of beliefs and expectations. Great you are pointing out playfully, how ridiculous it actually is, to champion yourself as a great mother by actually abandoning yourself all the time. What kind of care do the others receive from a place of self neglect ?
It is so key that our children see us as women first – not mothers who give our power away to their every need. If they see us like this, then the message they get is that they too can be a woman first.
‘People need to see mothers celebrated because of the Woman they are, behind the doing-ness that motherhood has become. We all need to value how the connection we have with ourselves naturally leads to beautiful and true mothering.’ Absolutely the connection we have with ourselves is the foundation for every relationship we have and the foundation for anything we do in this world. Building and deepening this relationship has nothing to do with being selfish or egoistic and everything to do with love.
Suzanne, the examples of reasons mums were nominated in last yearâs Mother of the Year competition are shocking. They all involve mothers putting everyone first and themselves last. This is not a loving way for anyone to be and is exhausting. This should not be encouraged, let alone awarded.
Even having a competition or a vote for the best mum is not a great thing for it implies that it is a competitive thing – what does it say about all the other mums? Are they not as âgoodâ?
Under what kind of pressure is a woman to do the appropriate things accordingly to the picture that needs to be fulfilled, when becoming a mother. The moment you buy yourself into these false beliefs you are constantly draining yourself and giving away any kind of clear sense of how to behave in upcoming situations regarding your offspring. Like a puppet that acts out like everyone else does. No wonder, that mostly every mum I met on the street looks and feels exhausted and quite annoyed by her own child/children. This constant compromise and giving yourself away will make you sick sooner or later.
So true Stefanie… and they are not really annoyed by their children but annoyed at themselves because they know they are compromising and not being true to themselves.
Yes it is not appreciating the all .. Everyone.
This poses a super important question, Suzanne – what if the way we think we have to be as mothers is actually making us ill? In order to break these beliefs and ideals we have to be willing to look at our behaviours and ask ourselves if there is any love in them for ourselves?
I recently had an interesting conversation with the women in my office – one is on maternity leave and came in to visit. We were talking about the intense expectations on mothers, with a book for everything and a million ways to measure your success or failure. They described how they were made to feel like a failure for small things in the early years and it shocked me – we have been having children for thousands of years, and only recently have we set down in books what the expected and normal ‘mile stones’ and progression of pregnancy and childhood are.
It totally removes your personal relationship to your child and their growth which may not fit the trajectory of a book but is what is right for them. We need to support values in our parenting rather than a rule book.
What we currently champion is the ability to ignore and neglect our inner sense – as sure as winter follows autumn all we are nurturing is resentment and disregard. What a horrific thing to dedicate our lives to.
You’re spot on Suzanne that we should be commending a model of parenting or family where all parties are absolutely looked after and cherished, rather than a way of mothering for example that causes exhaustion, drive and possibly even ill health in extreme cases.
Yet another competition that perpetuates the evil of comparison as women vie to outdo each other rather than connect to themselves as women and from there mother etc as a reflection of true self care and love of humanity.
Yes competition and comparison is rife among women and is keeping them apart rather than uniting them.
The existence of these competitions is confronting but not surprising. Itâs obvious that there will be competitions like this for as long as society places value on living in a way that has no love it it.
Competitions are the greatest form of separation we have ever deployed. Even losing team efforts, allow misery to have company!
The world these days is full of super mums it can’t be denied working, cooking, being on boards, school runs and all the examples you have given above but when this is done without self care first everyone suffers.
Absolutely if we are not taking care of ourselves first then all our relationships suffer and our children feel the burden of their put upon mothers who are running themselves into the ground in their attempts to fulfil the pictures of what society ‘expects’ a good mother to be. Time to bust these harming myths once and for all.
The reason I chose to be no mother was the fact that I did not want to give myself up. The picture around being a mother was so confining to me that I only wanted to be a woman – that was my best choice ever. I only can agree to what you have so eloquently stated Suzanne: “What we actually want is for our daughters and granddaughters to know who they are as women first and to be able to ask for support when they become mums.”
I canât agree more Suzanne that âwe need contests like these to be disbandedâ and without delay, as they only serve to perpetuate the super damaging beliefs that have been passed on from generation to generation without question. Well I am questioning them now, as are you and many other wise women, for if we want to see change in the world that change has to begin with us and the choices we make. So, letâs choose to start living the fabulous women we all are, today, and leave those ridiculous contests where they belong, in the gloomy past.
What you’re saying is so important – our ideals around motherhood are creating so much exhaustion and expectations that are not healthy for either the mother or the child
It always makes me laugh when I see “the world’s best dad” “the worlds best daughter” “the worlds best sister”. In realty words like these only serve to separate us further, we are all amazing and we are all one family, justifying that someone is the best allows to conveniently forget the other how ever many billion of mums/dads/sisters and brothers there are.
â⊠often being exhausted but still having a positive natureâ – This is true for how we recognise a ‘good mother’ but also a ‘successful’ individual who manages to run themselves to the ground and still maintain a front that all is well and good. In business this is regarded as an important skill for anyone who wants to go anywhere in their career, or even provide a good service to customers, but as you’ve shared Suzanne there is another way…
I have read the list of examples of reasons why mums were nominated in last yearâs Mother of the Year competition and each time I read them I feel an incredible sense of sadness. I can feel the mechanical image of the mother relentlessly going through the motions of motherhood but the woman is so deeply buried under the ideals and beliefs that we all hold around motherhood, that she is hardly detectable at all.
It’s a sad state of affairs that so many of us have to seek our own self worth through what we do and not who we already are.
It would be fascinating to do a study into the health of all those mothers who have been put forward for Mother of the Year, to see what the truth of their bodies reflects about the effects of
living in a way that constitutes how most of us perceive a ‘good’ mother should live.
Exactly Richard, very well said. This exposes how far our society have stepped away from the most basic principles of life to an extreme where we now celebrate and reward self-disregard.
I love your oxygen mask example Suzanne, this goes against what this competition promotes and rewards. It exposes how crazy this form of competition is and it exposes how ridiculous any form of competition is, especially when we understand the true meaning of love.
Wow, the list of reasons why mothers were nominated is shocking. This highlights how much we as a society reward and celebrate, comparison, self-disregard, lack of self-worth and self-abuse. I feel every day is an opportunity to celebrate women and men equally for who we are and not for what we do or can achieve. Why are we then not living this grandness and level of appreciation that supports us all to be lifted to a higher vibration and love?
I love how you bring it back to first being a woman, something that doesn’t change by becoming a mother, a widower or anything else. We are women, the rest are roles we have and things we do.
I grew up believing that care was only to be given to others and by the virtue of doing this I would be feeling great to. What is left out in this equation is that if we do not care for ourselves first then the care we give is draining us and what we can give will become less and less in quality while the all it takes on us will be ever increasing .
Great blog Suzanne. Such (unnecessary) competitions highlight the level of disregard many of these âgreat mumsâ have for themselves as a woman. If only this image of the role of mothering could be discarded and woman were to value the quality and presence they bring to the relationship with their children when they are honouring of their sacredness as a woman.
Reading the whole list and reading this one at the end “…My mum has never asked for help.â Makes me wonder how far away are we when we see this as a good thing. I know I didn’t ask that much for help when my children were young and it felt as surviving all of the time. In hindsight I can say I lived the mother and did not care about myself as a woman, I was mother first to my own detriment. I do know what you say Suzanne “We all need to value how the connection we have with ourselves naturally leads to beautiful and true mothering.” And this is what we need to nurture and cherish for ourselves and for the next generations to come.
Over the past few years I have been consciously working on seeing and letting go of numerous pictures I have been holding about myself and life which limit the claiming and expression of the love, sensitivity, awareness and power that is my true essence. It is astonishing and worrying that we have competitions that praise, award and ingrain such debilitating beliefs.
Was that âmotherâ of the year or âmartyrâ of the year?
We have become a society that revolves around function before quality, and that is one of the main contributors to illness and disease.
The list of qualities being put forward highlights the way society (all of us) celebrates self sacrifice. What happened to LOVE?
I was wondering this myself. It clearly highlights the absence of love when we reward and celebrate any form of competition and separation.
And what about the quality a mother brings to her children, her partner and society when she is living as a woman and doing mothering not BEing a mother?
Joshua now you are talking, that real quality thats true quality.
‘ … if a woman has lost the understanding that she is a woman first and foremost, before she became a mother, then she is likely to tie her self-worth up in how she mothers.’ – yes, two hands in the air for me. I fell into this trap, but, what is interesting is the more I claimed myself back, as a woman first, I could feel my children naturally taking more responsibility and very much enjoying doing so.
Reading this ‘Women are measured on their ability to do things, to achieve feats, to âmake a differenceâ on a grand scale.’ reminded me of a recent discussion after Kate Middleton had given birth to her third baby Louis. Not long after giving birth she had to appear in front of the press with William and Louis in a dress, make-up and heels waving and smiling. The conversation was why do we have to see this .. why do we not allow her just to be, have time with the baby in jogging bottoms and no make-up at home. It is the demand that we make as public and as people with any woman (and men). Demanding what they/we should be like, look like etc. The more and more we let go of this ridiculous demand there will be no supply.
The woman who deeply cares for herself or begins the journey to support and love herself is not selfish. It is the woman that demands and controls from the lack of love for self that is in truth, selfish.
‘Mothers will always be busy â that comes with the territory â but how we do âthe busyâ is the difference.’ This is the key, isn’t it? By taking care of ourselves as women first, we will naturally bring out our mothering and parenting nurturing qualities to all… yes, even to our adult friends and family, for is parenting a quality reserved only for our kids?
Could any competition that pits us against one another have a detrimental effect on society? Everyone has the potential to be amazing or “an amazing mother” the only difference is whether we have found the key to unlock this in ourselves or not. Competitions like this surely increase our judgment of other people rather than our appreciation that everyone is on their own evolutionary path.
Yes! Why do we need competition at all? What is this competing, with one winner and so many losers? Why not just celebrate, cherish and appreciate each other. A good example of this is the Girl to Woman Festival where every girl is celebrated and supported in their process of becoming a woman.
Great blog Suzanne and I particularly loved your last line about putting our own oxygen masks on before assisting others which I feel could be applied to everyone both men and women. If we are not taking care of ourselves what is the real level of care we are offering others?
and the devastating reality is that when it actually came to it, so many women would die as a result of not being able to physically put their own oxygen masks on before their childs. Because it is so ingrained in us, as women, to look after others first, it makes it a difficult thing to simply undo, especially in an emergency situation when your child is terrified.
Thank you Suzanne for exposing the mythical Mother here. How do the rest of us Mothers feel (exhausted) after just reading what these super women have achieved! I know that most women would feel they fall way short of the mark and their self esteem slipping even lower, after having read something that should be about making us feel lovingly inspired and uplifted!!
‘Mother of the Year’ competitions – wow – what a breeding ground for comparison.
It seems though, we have competitions for absolutely everything and comparison is rife, in all areas of life. It will take a big paradigm shift to have life where competition and comparison doesn’t figure. This blog is a great starter to point us in the right direction.
Yes indeed, all women can have those beautiful nurturing qualities by honouring their body and living deeply connected to their sacredness, not by slogging themselves for others at the expense of their own wellbeing.
Thank you Suzanne, your blog exposes a lot on what is in the way of being the true mum we all are, whether we have children or not.
We think as a mother we have to do everything for our children yet this way of being I am finding doesnât support my children and it certainly doesnât support me as I can end up feeling resentful and depleted. Encouraging my children to be responsible and letting go of my need to do things for them is building a foundation of love within the family. It is a continuous commitment to being present with myself and how I am feeling bringing a greater awareness to the whole and what is needed.
With competitions like this there is only one individual perceived as a ‘winner’ and all the rest are losers, which only compounds the widespread lack of self-worth in women.
I realise that a mother can easily lose herself in all the tasks involved in being a mother and not leave time to care and nurture herself but the fact of the matter is that we can’t truly care for another unless we care for ourselves first and being a mother does not get exemption from this rule.
When we place anyone on a pedestal, are we not resigning ourselves to be less?
Something I would have loved to read before becoming a mother. This is the ugliness of what is going on in the world of motherhood, and all the trappings of believing we are better if we put ourselves last and do everything for our children. We then have that confirmed by talking with mothers at the school gate of who is fitting in the most in one day. Deep down we know this does not support us or the children in our care. They are also seeing that the woman does not honour herself when she is a mother, which for both boys and girls have a huge impact on them in later years. Bringing in self-care and making sure we give to ourselves first then shows our children and everyone around us that we are important and so are they.
Thereâs no way we think as a man that mothering is something I can do – but this is completely untrue. True mothering and fathering are qualities not consequences of our gender
I have been a selfless mother to my child and everyone around in the past, this ideal and momentum so ingrained in me that I never thought there was anything outside of this box, I surely never asked for help, never really cried, always super woman, in a hurry frequently and asking my child to rush, never sharing my feelings especially of what disturbs me. Throughout this time I controlled my life by wanting everything to be the way I want. The lack of care for myself brought many physical ailments, stiffness and pain. The lack of true care and love in my parenting brought huge rebellion from my child. Today, this is all changing. Being more real as a woman, I am able to care deeper for myself, express my feelings, Iâm no longer perfect in front of my child, and he can relax in front of me, we are much closer than ever before from this intimacy built with self, and it is so beautiful to demystify what being a mother is because my body and looks are thanking me daily.
It is not a coincidence if a child rebels or misbehaves. If we do not listen and respond to ourselves with love there has to be consequences. The reflections around us are there constantly supporting us to evolve and it is no different when we are around or have children in our lives.
‘Put YOUR oxygen mask on first before assisting others.â’ I’ve always loved this analogy to caring and nurturing others. I noticed years ago that the people I loved being around were the ones who were at ease with themselves, loved themselves, others and life all in one big joyful bowl of love. They inspired me to bring this acceptance and understanding to my own life so I could share with others too. The more I am letting go of protection and judgement (just another form of protection) the more I’m enjoying being with people. All this self-sacrificing stuff doesn’t feel good to hang around with. I feel a great dis-ease – it exposes all my insecurities rather than sees beyond them to the glory we all are. That we celebrate doing for others at the expense of ourselves perpetuates the belief that, essentially, it’s not ok to be ourselves.
The mere fact of competition between mothers to out-do each other is horrendous let alone all the things you share Suzanne.
I love your reference to the oxygen mask – so spot on!
To rank a woman based on her ability to offer anything but self care to her body is truly insane and when competition reveres this behaviour, we as a society are heading towards a more distorted version of what it truly means to be a woman first and then in expressing through motherhood.
This is brilliant. I am not a mother, but I can very relate to how we leave ourselves in pursuit of living up to a role, and how onlookers cheer and glorify that self-abandonment.
Very true Suzanne, mothers are women first and foremost. The competition also exposes that we limit mothering to someone who has physically had a child. What about women who live mothering as a quality in all they do? I certainly know women who have chosen not to have children and they ooze not only the quality of mothering, but also of being a women in her delicateness and it’s very powerful to observe.
“what about women who live mothering as a quality in all they do?” Beautiful to bring this to the conversation. Mothering is a quality not specifically related to having physically borne a child. I’m aware of the mothering quality in my relationship I have with elders I care for.
Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like there is enough time to be ‘self-loving’, like this is a luxury item which as mothers, we cannot afford. However, the impact that role-modelling ‘self-love’ has, goes very deep because for a child to grow in to an adult fully knowing that they can love, is the greatest most sweetest gift of all.
Absolutely agree that the far greater than anything we can physically do for our children as parents is the example and inspiration we can live for them of self-care and self-love which can only be genuinely conveyed by living it ourselves.
I really love this article, what it exposes but more so what it truly celebrates. This article celebrates and unites all women and the deep essence that is love and loving within. This article may invite reaction and opposition and this is great for we need to all come back to what is truly needed in this world and that is ‘someone who reflects a love and presence that nurtures this connection in others’.
Many pertinent points in this expose on ‘motherhood awards’ and mothering general, and this one was a stand out – how have we come to this point where we ‘ bastardise deep care into meaning the woman must trade off her own wellbeing for that of another’. A conversation worth exploring for all of us – where do we see it, accept it, live it, trade off it etc….
It is very sad that many women do falsely believe this is what it takes to be a good woman or mother. And it is even sadder that the cycle continues as little girls grow up watching their mums fill their mothering role like this and that they too one day will probably believe the same level of rot. It is so important that we have women who are being true reflections of themselves whether they are mothers or not. All women and any woman can share her mothering quality with any child and this does not need to be identified by the act of birthing or isolated to only a select few children.
I love this because all of these ideals and beliefs are pushed onto women- the idea that you need to put all others before yourself. It creates a culture where a woman looks outside of herself for her identity and when she does not play ball with this, she rattles the status quo.
It sickens me to read these ideals of women going against their bodies. I very much appreciate your entry Suzanne into and description of why you voted for your mother of the year. Maybe the contest should be changed to woman of the year instead mother of the year as mothering is just one aspect. Until we champion and confirm the truth of women for who they are in society like the Girl to Women Project http://www.girltowoman.com.au and honouring them as they grow, how will women know who they are?
I have to say that the reasons for nominations are fairly disgusting and degrading to read. Very sad that women as a whole have let themselves be identified by such a lack of their true selves being brought to everything they do. How much of a woman is really being brought to her family, others and her beautiful quality to the world when they are not truly in the tasks that they do?
Gorgeous sharing and exposing of the âmothering behavioursâ we are championing as a society at great detriment to the woman, she loving herself first and what she naturally brings. Only in this world could we have two very different points of view being championed at the same time in society – such as people are starting to understand in the care industry âwe must look after ourselves before we look after othersâ (even if this looking after still comes from a âdoingâ) and then in competitions such as this it is about putting yourself aside and completely on hold for kids in order to be seen as a good mother.
I love how you got underneath all this harmful way of us women competing with each other, at all our own expense. And it clearly doesnât work, as our high rates of illness and disease show. Indeed put our own oxygen mask on first, makes a lot of sense….. and asking for help and support rather than being a martyr and then feeling every one owes us. Mothering in truth is a huge job and no one person can bring and be everything the child needs. Together the job gets done, joy-fully and all relationships deepening along the way.
Oh boy – the dots points say it all! What an expose Suzanne â how to exhaust and deplete yourself and be rewarded with a medal. But this is the way of the world right now. Thank God for the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine who offer the way of true Love and Care.
Suzanne, you showing that list of what makes “the mother of the year” really shows us how we have lost touch with the truth and are celebrating things that are in fact both self-abuse and therefore abusive in families. Staggering that a mother who looks after others even when she needs TLC is worth winning an award.
This is a very powerful blog highlighting just how much women seem to flog themselves in an attempt to be the ‘perfect mother’ to their families. It’s such a conn because the women concerned are exhausting themselves trying to fit a picture that society has built around motherhood. But we are doing this to ourselves, why is this?
Competition only delivers comparison. Which then leads to jealousy. Competition drives one of the greatest evils in this world.
It is sad to read this – it paints women as a picture of self-sacrifice when in fact how is it we can care for others if we don’t care for ourselves? Women bring a harmony and balance to things and to appreciate this in themselves is very powerful. It is not about needing to try and slave over others or tick boxes but rather about considering what is the reflection we give to those around us?
Letting our reflection be filled with our true flavour, sass, spunk and gorgeousness before we as a woman do anything is exactly what the world needs women to step up and do. Women do hold something very powerful and grand to bring to society as a standard and foundational holding yet we have traded this power to be the âglueâ.
Hurray for this article, Suzanne. I just starting coaching a mom today and we spoke about so many of the topics you wrote about. The crazy thing is that most women and mothers just think it is ‘normal’ to forget about themselves and put their children first at all costs. And I agree contests like mum of the year need to be disbanded for they only glorify sacrifice and let women compete with each other instead of celebrating and supporting each other.
True. This is a common belief and one belief of the many in society that is taught, imposes upon females whether directly or indirectly, from a very young age.
Loved reading this as it shows how far we will go to get recognition and how these acts are promoted, prized and encouraged as being a good thing. It’s crazy to think that if we as mothers put ourselves before anything else, then we are considered bad mothers.
The fact that an actual competition to be recognised and win a prize has been created is a big red flag to me that this is something that celebrates a false way of being. And when I read the nominations it only confirmed the level we as a society have stooped to by the fact that we even consider championing this level of disregard and lack of true care for oneself.
Great lifting the lid off the many ways that we have been placing more value on the activities and outdoing one another and place this over and above the actual care, honouring and quality with which we are living. The in-flight safety statement of âPut YOUR oxygen mask on first before assisting othersâ is a great reflection of how championing such behaviour is neither wise nor responsible in truth.
I love this blog Suzanne. I went through so much of that ‘sacrifice in order to be a mother’ before I came to understand myself differently, and that mothering was simply the role that we have in our lives at any one point. It took a while to learn what ‘putting myself first’ was but it gradually unfolded as I built a relationship with myself. It is key to grasp the point you make Suzanne, that we are women first and foremost, and that what we do as a job or role is simply what we do.
I really loved reading this Suzanne.
Wow, what a great discussion to bring to the table Suzanne. The reasons listed here for being Mum of the Year are straight out shocking – ‘Mum’ is reduced to being a machine.
The way we currently consider mothering is super harming for women and this blog explains this so well. Thank you Suzanne.
I fell deeply into the competition that being a Mother pulls one into. This brought me much heartache as it provided a reality where I was constantly having to push through, having only myself to support me, as the constant competition never allowed for the door to be opened to accepting support from another. Much really needs to be challenged in how the current paradigm of mothering is set up.
This conversation is long overdue. For too long being a Mother has completely negated the importance of the person that is doing the mothering is.
Brilliant article Suzanne. It’s quite shocking to see the list of reasons why a woman would be seen/voted as mother of the year. Good on you for seeing beyond the popularity contest.
I as a parent am constantly being offered situations and events in all manner of ways to deepen the love for myself. The situations arise because of the ill-behaviours I have been choosing to live in but this is not to condemn or judge myself but to welcome and embrace for there is much learning. As I learn to welcome the challenges, opportunities arise to re-imprint my movements but it is not just how I respond with my children but ultimately how I respond to myself.
‘â⊠pursue her dreams only after her children have pursued theirsâ’ – children learn from their role models, from their parents – what sort of message does this send to young girls when their mothers put their children before themselves – that when you become a mother you are no longer equal, others become more important.
true Alison, contrary to what we might desperately hope for children don’t do as we say but do as we do.
Men also have their own imprisonment such as they need to be the breadwinner, the provider, tough, into sports and of course boys never cry. I imagine best dad would be kicking a football around the barbie!
What a fantastic blog and much needed blog. So great you speak up about this great harm that we not only do to ourselves but also our children. Interesting that we have the phrase âmums the wordâ to keep quiet and not say things like this!!!
How exposing that all those âqualitiesâ are listed as something great when really they are very harmful and how we not only accept these self-denigrating roles but are proud of them.
We have championed the flogging of our most graceful qualities. We rah rah running Sacredness ragged consistently. The way we celebrate sacrifice is not honourable but indicative of a deadly malaise where we prefer to see each other stay in misery rather than true glory. Itâs time we flipped all this and celebrated quality. And if we really understood what mothering means our nurturing, stillness and care for ourselves would go through the roof and beams. Brilliantly said Suzanne.
‘Without the relationship a woman has with herself, her mothering will be functional but empty and our society deserves better than just function.’ Absolutely – the way a mother is has a huge effect on her children and if she role models the attributes that you list here, the reasons why mums were nominated last year, this is so disempowering and, leaves the woman wanting. So lets give her a prize to make her feel better? No lets support her to care and love herself so her self worth and value returns and her children grow in confidence too.
Unbelievable but not really, in this world of the never-ending pursuit of recognition, acceptance, adulation and applause, a trophy to boot and a medal pinned to a tired and sagging bosom. When will we learn that competition is not part of our divine make-up and a win no replacement for knowing and living who we truly are.
Yes, and not only that but the win is so short lived that soon after the quest for another medal begins…a never ending spin that exhausts to the bone.
A constant chase for the next.. the next.. the next, as one gets more exhausted and disconnected from their truth of who they truly are.
With women’s health seriously affected to greater proportions than ever before with higher rates of breast cancer, polycystic ovary syndrome etc. we really do need to question if we ‘are celebrating the wrong behaviours’. I whole heartedly agree, Suzanne. To consider if the behaviours we choose are the root cause of our illnesses, as women today, is very much needed. Thanks for writing such a powerful article.
To stop and look at our behaviors and consider if they are harming us is a form of medicine. Just even the stop moment to say, this is not working, I’m exhausted, drained, down and depressed always putting me last, is a step in a more healthy and loving direction.
What is evident to me in this list of reasons why mothers have been voted is the fact that mothers are often considered the âbest motherâ if they pander and keep the comfort others are in in tact. There is no way this is loving in the slightest and hence what is the quality of this form of mothering?
Great question, Joshua, there is no true love in pandering so there can’t be love in mothering that has sacrifice as a foundation. If self-love is missing the end result can’t be loving.
This is brilliant Suzanne and a much needed pause for us all to consider exactly what we have in place in our society in terms of truly celebrating women. Love the last line â so true! It really is very simple: in order to love and care for others we first need to love and care for ourselves. For we would not offer another an empty cup and expect them to be nourished by it.
Indeed â an empty cup is an empty cup with nothing to give, nothing at all. Put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others is a timely reminder that we treat our neighbour as we would treat ourselves and not the other way around.
Very well said Liane – when we stretch ourselves beyond our own limits and disregard our own natural needs, do we ever consider what kind of quality it is we are then offering?
When women’s health is suffering to the extent that it is on a global scale, we have to ask ourselves how we’re living, and what pictures we are subscribing to about what we – or society- think it means to be a woman, a mother, a daughter, worker, friend, girlfriend or wife, that then has an impact upon the state of our health.
Whenever we put others needs or beliefs ahead of ourselves itâs a breeding ground in our bodies for exhaustion and resentment. These competitions are promoting resentful and exhausted women and relationship damage as a result.
Motherhood is definitely not a doingness, but a quality in our presence that comes with our livingness, so can’t be measured or compared with anything and anyone, just lived, enjoyed, learned and explored without any perfection.
It feels very surrealistic to make a contest about the best mother of the year. It’s like making a competition about the best person… Is it possible that one person would be better than other? We are genuinely unique as well as each motherhood is unique too. Why the need of comparing? Why the need of making some behaviours more desirable than others? Why pushing women to be and behave in a specific manner to ‘win’ the recognition of others? Is not each woman enough for being who she is and freely explore the motherhood at her own pace? Is she not the unique woman that she can be before anything else she can do? Contests aside, why not approach life from connection to who we are first and foremost?
Then, we would have quality in our relationships, instead of results at the expense of everyone. Only through the connection and nurturing that a woman has with herself, can there be a true connection and nurturing to her children and everything in her life.
A much needed blog. A must read for all mothers and everyone.
Great exposé, Suzanne, of the ideals around mothering. The list of quotes from the competition were quite shocking to read, in that they highlight so clearly the value we place on not caring for ourselves as women.
I love how you challenge the accepted just by writing about it, not condemning or judging but simply saying âhey, what if this is not actually the way?â.
Ir’s interesting how we tend to make heroes of people whose life has been a struggle, or have had big things happen in their lives and pushed on regardless. I think we all have big things to deal with at time to time, but why is someone more worth celebrating who’s been through hardship, and could it be that the struggles of life are largely self-created and we have more autonomy in our struggle or our hardship than we like to admit?
Wow thank you for exposing these utterly ridiculous lies, when we read the list of past achievers and what a mother get celebrated for its no wonder we have illness and disease rates increasing so much.
Absolutely â we are asking women to strive for the impossible and sacrifice themselves on the altar of function and longed for short-term adulation; brownie points all around, year after year and sleepless night after sleepless night. What a sickening joke.
These competitions are a nonsense, as you so rightly claim. As with beauty competitions, the winner of the âbestâ whatever is in the eye of the beholder. Each woman is unique. We need to cooperate, not compete with each other.
âCaring for oneself is not selfishâ and as you mention, on a flight we are told to put on our own oxygen mask before helping others in an emergency. Yet most still see a so called âself-lessâ mother as being the ideal. There is a huge consciousness around mothering. It makes sense to love and care for oneself as a woman first. In a family, if a mother suffers through exhaustion etc, everyone suffers.
Mothers are women and themselves first. Without that they are an empty puppet for whomever’s wishes are deemed most important, and that reflection is what the kids grow up with as a role model and will either emulate or react and do the opposite (is become very selfish). So what if the reflection to the kids was that you honour yourself, be so full of love inside that the cup is full to overflowing and everyone around can’t help but feel it. Imagine……
Great article Suzanne, thank you for sharing this. The list of the so called qaulities for mother of the year seem to be all about women who are mothers putting everyone else first and not caring for themselves. This will leave women probably exhausted and likely not knowing who they are – this is not something to champion.
Put simply, to not care for self (Mum or not), equal to how we care for others is dishonouring and does not set a true example for others.
How long have mothers read to their children rather than read them? Have mothers become gatekeepers rather than the shepherd that guides them?
wow Steve that is awesome â it is about reading your children, connecting to them and if you have not connected to yourself how can you connect to anyone else.
Powerful article Suzanne, many a myth blown out of the water and about time too.
Wow Suzanne, I didn’t know there is such competition, ‘The World’s Best Mum’. It seems our society is very good at turning many things into some form of competition. The list you’ve shared is shocking and it highlights how much we emphasize on doing and dishonouring who we are and not much on self-care, self-nurture and self-love.
Wow, I have to admit I was quite shocked reading the dot points of why mothers were nominated in this competition – it was a jaw on the floor moment. These points expose the ideals and beliefs we have about mothering, that it’s a mentality of sacrifice, and the deeper the self neglect the higher the achievement in mothering. The beliefs we currently have about being a “good” mother prevent us from seeing that we can actually do both, love and care for ourselves and our children. It doesn’t need to be a ‘me or them’ mentality, but love and care can be shared equally, including with ourselves. This is how we break generational beliefs because children most of all learn from role modelling, so a mother who loves and cares for herself is preparing her children to self care and self love as adults – now that is love.