I’ve just voted in a nationwide contest for the 2018 Mother of the Year award, but the woman I voted for almost certainly won’t win. I didn’t vote for myself, nor did I vote for my own mum. The woman I voted for is indeed an exceptional mum, but not in the way that wins these nonsensical awards. Let me explain.
Holding a contest where women vie to be awarded the best mother in the country is ridiculous. It’s hard enough being a woman in this world today where our every move seems to be measured, compared, and commented upon and/or in competition with other women. Women are measured on their ability to do things, to achieve feats, to ‘make a difference’ on a grand scale. The last thing we need is to bring the role of motherhood into the mix, and yet we have now added mothering to this equation.
To be considered the best mother – as evidenced in the many reasons for nominating for Mother of the Year – a mother needs to give selflessly of herself, put others ahead of her, and needs to sacrifice her blood, sweat and tears for the sake of caring for others.
We define the role of a mother as one of sacrifice and so it follows that the women who choose not to do so, sure, they can be good mothers, but never the best, in the eyes of this Mother of the Year competition and also society. We could also now ponder on how such a way of mothering is in the eyes of her children…
We have given a very natural way of being – deep care – a whole new definition and ask women, who happen to be mothers, to bastardise deep care into meaning the woman must trade off her own wellbeing for that of another.
It is also interesting to notice that nowhere in the application form for Mother of the Year does it refer to the mother as being a woman. To me, this is a travesty, for if a woman has lost the understanding that she is a woman first and foremost, before she became a mother, then she is likely to tie her self-worth up in how she mothers.
The following phrases in italics are examples of reasons mums were nominated in last year’s Mother of the Year competition.
- “… a mum who can’t help giving even when she herself is in need of a little extra TLC”
- “… a tireless mother who never complains about sleepless nights”
- “… often being exhausted but still having a positive nature”
- “… the mother who never leaves her sick child’s side, ‘no matter what’”
- “… pursue her dreams only after her children have pursued theirs”
- “… a great mother because she makes sacrifices to look after a tribe of other children as well as her own”
- “… championed for getting knocked down, then getting right back up again – first checking that everyone else is okay”
- “… thanking mum for always putting everyone’s needs first and never once putting herself first”
- “… ‘Mum has always done everything for her children’”
- “… ‘Mum has not eaten so she can keep food on the plates for us kids’”
- “… ‘I have never seen my Mum break down or cry’”
- “… ‘My mum has never asked for help.’”
I think it’s time we questioned if we are celebrating the wrong behaviours.
What we actually want is for our daughters and granddaughters to know who they are as women first and to be able to ask for support when they become mums.
Perhaps too, we need to change the language around ‘being a mum.’ For is a ‘Mum’ something you turn into when children are in your lives or is it a word that in truth describes a ROLE of behaviour? If we were to understand this concept, we could never BE a mum, only DO mothering. We would remain the Woman first because that will never change.
The woman I voted for hasn’t saved a child’s life from a rare incurable disease, fostered 17 children and completed a masters in astrophysics in record time, or battled through her own cancer and double mastectomy while never missing making a school lunch or getting her child to their French lesson on time.
She hasn’t against all odds given birth while in a wheelchair, invited 10 homeless children into her house while she sleeps on the couch or isn’t pregnant again for the 9th time – despite having always suffering severe pregnancy-related nausea, depression and premature deliveries.
We can all be awesome mums; we just need some guidance as to another way to do this.
I’m being a bit ridiculous here, but you get my point. I write to expose the lies about what we think (the best) mother is and should be. The above examples are (only slightly) exaggerated reasons why someone has been celebrated as a better mother than another. We champion the achievements of what mothers do, like we celebrate the adventurer who makes it to the top of Mt Everest, without ever knowing or even caring about the impact that the desire to make it to the top has had on themselves, their wellbeing, and within their relationships.
Women’s health is suffering on a global scale and I continue to wonder if it isn’t our expectations, beliefs and ideals of what a woman and mother should be doing that isn’t a very major if not the root cause of such illness and disease.
The woman I voted for truly cares for herself, and not at the expense of her family. Caring for oneself is not selfish. She is sensitive, compassionate, a hard worker, a woman who listens and constantly reads her children, always looking to understand why they make the choices they make. She knows profoundly how vital the relationship she has with herself is, in fact THE critical foundation to the relationship she then has with her children.
It is because of these gorgeous qualities that I voted for my friend. People need to see mothers celebrated because of the Woman they are, behind the doing-ness that motherhood has become. We all need to value how the connection we have with ourselves naturally leads to beautiful and true mothering.
And we need contests like these to be disbanded.
As mothers strive to outdo one another in the school playgrounds, so too do these Mother of the Year contests support competitiveness and false ideals and beliefs of how to be a mother and what is expected of women who choose to be a mother.
Mothers will always be busy – that comes with the territory – but how we do ‘the busy’ is the difference. Our society does not need yet another cause asking women to do more and give more, no matter how subtle, without once asking them to stop and feel how loving they are with themselves first.
Mothers might well be the glue that holds a family together. They might well be always there for the children; they may be generous, kind, openhearted, giving, compassionate, devoted, selfless, great knitters and cooks, foster carers or countless other amazing qualities. But a woman should not be Mother of the Year if any of these qualities come at the expense of who she is, how she takes care of herself and how she loves herself. Without the relationship a woman has with herself, her mothering will be functional but empty and our society deserves better than just function.
Let’s mother like in the inflight safety demonstration: “Put YOUR oxygen mask on first before assisting others.”
By, Suzanne Anderssen, 43, B Com, Dip Av Air Traffic Control, mother, daughter, wife, friend and writer, Brisbane, Australia
Further Reading:
What is a Relationship with Myself?
Mother’s Day: special treat or sneaky trick?
Best Mother’s Day gift ever!
471 Comments
While not a biological mother, I do in my work take on the role of mother or responsible adult at times. I know without a doubt that I have to care for myself first before I am of any use or service to another. I can’t put others ahead of myself as the quality of what I then do/produce is much less.
The truth about any competition is that it creates comparison, jealousy, feelings of not being good enough, a feeling of having to be better, a feeling of having to win and never mind everyone else in the race; a feeling of tension as we hold our breath and brace ourselves for some hard work, often at the expense of how we truly feel. It creates a sense of isolation, of having to do things alone, a sense of guardedness and lack of transparency lest anyone else cotton on to your techniques and copy them or pinch your ideas. Competition is at the very heart of the fabric of our institutions and it begins as soon as we hit the education system. It is a consciousness that divides and separates, rather than unifies and supports. So many of us like to say that a bit of competition is healthy but when honestly looked at in the context of everything said, it does nothing to support a person to truly connect to their essence and to appreciate everything that that essence stands for.
Competition vies one against another or against many others and obscures the truth that we are all already who we naturally are, be it woman, man or child.
Suzanne thank you exposing societies utterly ridiculous imposition on women
“Women’s health is suffering on a global scale and I continue to wonder if it isn’t our expectations, beliefs and ideals of what a woman and mother should be doing that isn’t a very major if not the root cause of such illness and disease.”
But I have to ask why are we as women putting up with this unrealistic view of how women should be. No wonder illness and disease is rife amongst women as we cannot keep up with society’s expectations.
Absolutely Suzanne, appreciating our divinity first in the most intimate ways will let us feel the same in another. And this will deepen our relationship with everyone and open us to deepening our evolution.
This makes perfect sense, when women continually push themselves too much they will affect their health and well-being, ‘Women’s health is suffering on a global scale and I continue to wonder if it isn’t our expectations, beliefs and ideals of what a woman and mother should be doing that isn’t a very major if not the root cause of such illness and disease.’
We only have to look at the statistics of breast cancer to understand how women in society do not self nurture. If there are competitions like this, the great thing about them is how exposing they are of the consciousness we are in that encourages this lack of self nurture. And so we are given an equation. On the one hand the consciousness that drives women to negate themselves and on the other, the number who have illness and disease. Once we can see that one equals the other we have something we can work on that is true.
We can all learn so much from one and other, completion takes away our natural ability to share all of us.
God wanted us to share – not compete.
The beauty of when I truly care, love and honour myself as a woman is that this way of being not only has an impact on my children but it has an impact on everyone in my life; there is not a need to look for love on the outside as I am filled with love for self on the inside.
Ideals and believes on how one should be or behave in life is very strong. There is a different way to do things which is more supporting and nurturing for ourselves which then inspire others to do the same.
” But a woman should not be Mother of the Year if any of these qualities come at the expense of who she is, how she takes care of herself and how she loves herself.” So many mothers are drained and exhausted from being everything for everyone, it may look good on paper, it may win awards but at the expense of the body and honouring the true woman within.
‘I think it’s time we questioned if we are celebrating the wrong behaviours.’ It so is when reading the list of why these women were put forward for the award – the perpetuation of the myth that putting others before you is something to aspire to when actually, if you don’t take care of yourself the care you provide is deprived of true vitality and joy. Receiving care from a sense of duty I found to be very destabilising and unnerving.
Yes, the award discussed in this blog is definitely celebrating a way of living that is detrimental to a womans health and well-being.
Imagine the backlash if we gave the Mother of The Year prize to the woman who was able to self-care the deepest, they’d be an uproar, which says a lot about just how ingrained the belief is for mothers to put others before themselves. The word ‘selfish’ comes to mind when I consider the response to applauding a woman for her level of self care, I got a feeling that this word would literally be spat at the woman who was crowned Most Honouring in Self-Care’.
Thank you Suzanne for taking pen to paper so to speak to expose such an extraordinary dysfunctional pattern in our society… I love the way that you are writing about what the awards are like, and how it fosters such deep dysfunction in our society… Pretty much like most if not every singing competition on television!
And what your comment makes me ponder on Chris, is if there is a single prize on Earth that actually confirms a quality, behaviour or skill that comes from true love and truth. Most, if not all prizes tend to be given for a skill or behaviour that identifies the individual in separation to everyone else, it singles them out as being ‘better than’ and in truth anything that does that is rein-forcing the lie of individuality. It would be much more truthful to award a prize to the person who, by their living way continually keeps reflecting to others that we are all the united consciousness of God and that there is no separation. And the winner is………………Serge Benhayon, hooray!!!!!!!!
When situations get grave the greatest support we can enact is to go deeper with Love. To move with more sacredness, to rest without restraint, to accept even more of our awareness that’s there. It’s these factors that will see us through, rather than pushing ahead at our own expense.
One day we will really understand as a society that any form of competition is not the way, in fact it is way way off.
Sam I agree and what a great day that will be for it will be the time that we no longer feel the need to have an us and them, a fight but instead an all of us together for whatever is needed to be done next.
We underestimate the power of being a role model for daughters and granddaughters, not by being a ‘super mum’ whose needs come last but in having confidence, sass, dedication etc., which comes from a strength in who we are.
If you want to choose ‘the best’ out of millions it may be easiest to reward somebody who displays the most extreme behaviours, which is unlikely to be ‘the best’.
Wanting to fit a model, an agenda or a lifestyle that has been set up for us to not succeed is what we are offered when we play the game of competition and comparisons in any field.
If the list of nominations you shared would be a job description I am not sure if many women would take the job but when it comes to mothering something happens that makes us women sort of put ourselves to the side. Yet as you share Suzanne when we don’t put our own oxygen masks on first we will not be well long enough to put our children’s oxygen masks on. Self-care is vitally important in mothering and it gives also this super important message to our children that this is important so they will naturally do too.
Everything that is presented here is so relevant for fathers too. There’s no task or heavy burden we need to take on – just be ourselves in our loving tenderness and the rest of life will be addressed naturally and held in a beautiful way.
A brilliant blog. ‘Mothers will always be busy – that comes with the territory – but how we do ‘the busy’ is the difference. Our society does not need yet another cause asking women to do more and give more, no matter how subtle, without once asking them to stop and feel how loving they are with themselves first.’ We can all support each other to do this and my, how needed it is. Let’s begin to honour ourselves and bring a deep quality of love, care and nurture for ourselves equal to that we are willing to give our children. And let’s allow space in our day and in our night – we really don’t need to go a hundred miles an hour to get things done, and if we feel we do why not get up an hour earlier and start the day in a rhythm that supports us ?
When you feel the intention of such cards and competition of the best mum it is horrible and devalues everything. We can safely let go of such constructs and be simply ourselves in relationship with our child.
It’s true that we may lead an extremely ‘busy’ life, but there are always moments of space between conversations or tasks that, if utilised, can make busy feel effortless.
I agree it’s really important we consider just what kind of behaviours we are ‘celebrating’ and also to consider that a competition for the ‘best mum’ just pits people against one another, fostering comparison and lack of true appreciation rather than inspiring one another…
We need to hold onto the fact that we are women first and foremost before we even think for a moment about all the roles we do. They are not who we are, but I can relate to those ‘hats’ we wear in our lives as women.
Competition sabotages the likelihood of us valuing, appreciating and honouring one another equally. Instead it encourages us to judge people as ‘less’ or ‘more’. It also teaches us to adopt an obsessional focus about being ‘better’ than another.
I do think women are the glue that can hold a family together (if not the world) and could you imagine what the family/world would look like if that glue looked vital, playful, engaged, sassy, sexy, beautiful, tender, fragile, powerful, loving etc… These are the qualities that women hold in spades but we forgo for the doing and forget they are there.
It’s crazy how we champion behaviour that puts ourselves last and as less important than others all for obtaining the picture of being a good mum, dad, daughter or son.
Agreed Julie and yet it is considered so important in society to sacrifice ourselves in a very self-destructive way.
Our mothers do need to be appreciated. But certainly not in this way. Mothers need to be appreciated for who they ARE and how much they are bringing THAT to what they do. NOT appreciated for solely their seemingly good parenting skills. And certainly not if they are doing it at the expense of themselves. It would be amazing to have events that inspire mothers to be the woman they are first BEFORE getting mothering correct. Mothering comes easy when they are living that foundation with themselves first.
Yes, ‘appreciating’ women for how much they harm or neglect themselves is hardly the way to go.
Caring for ourselves is way more powerful than we have ever conceded. We spend all our lives pursuing good deeds and worthy projects when cherishing ourself is all that is truly needed.
This is a key message. As a mother – I have seen how people try to define you in that role, but this is not all of who I am.
I am about to give birth and still working full time because my body feels great – but all I am asked is ‘why aren’t you on maternity leave relaxing’ – there are so many preconceptions around the roles a woman has, and being a mother is a big one. But if we can reflect that actually, we honor we are women first, then we send a different message out to society.
Wow the more I read this blog and all the comments the more I realize how important it is to bring our own truth to parenting, to being a mother and one that makes sacredness, nurturing and love at its core – not suffering for others.
We’ve shifted this award to be about how much we give rather than the fact we can be a role model and inspiration for many others. As a mum, as soon as I start doing things for everyone else, it totally flattens and exhausts me. Should that really be worthy of a medal?
This is so obvious when it is pointed out, but it is interesting how we like recognition for what we do. As a mum too, I know how much I have identified with the role rather than consistently bringing myself as a woman first and foremost to everything I do, and this can happen on the most subtle of levels. The woman has sometimes hidden or got lost in the role and then needs some form recognition from outside of herself. The key is to claim ourselves as women first and in that claiming we are then the natural role models and inspiration for others without having to do anything.
Deepening the love for myself is the antidote for seeking recognition. Whenever I lose myself in the role as a mother, sister, daughter, sister-in-law etc to seek recognition I have lost connection to myself and everything is carried out functionally. It is function as a way of being that is championed in society and through function I end up living a life based on everyone else’s needs because of the lack of love for self.
It’s crazy to award women for putting themselves last and making them the hero of the day.
Competition by its very nature divides people, makes them anxious, deflated or elated but never settled and at ease. Recognising that having settlement and ease in the body is its preferred way of being and choosing it, would stop the craving and needing to win at the expense of the body itself.
Feel Love and we could never strive to be the best – when we all have access to heaven flowing through us.
I love this Joseph 🙂 Nothing much to add or say.
The best what? Seriously how fleeting is it to be ‘the best’ anything. A nano second in time when we feel victorious but then it’s gone in a second and the spirit that is continuously and restlessly searching for identification is off again, desperately hunting down it’s next fix.
These roles we identify with are designed to circumvent and deny the true beauty we have to bring to life. We have everything naturally we will ever need to truly parent a child. We can be a ‘Dad’, ‘Mum’, ‘Daughter’ or ‘Son’ as long as we know we are all so much greater.