I am going to share my personal experience of my unfolding relationship with my sexuality as a woman â from the experience of using my body and sex in a way that held me forever running in circles, to now, as I re-learn that I am indeed a woman with choice.
From my very first experience of having sex, I went about this not really wanting it to occur, but not knowing how to ask for anything different. I remember saying to my boyfriend at the time, âWhatever happens, I donât want to have sex with you tonightâ. Now I have lost count of how many times I have said this in my life, still with the experience of sex occurring.
This is in no way to blame the men I refer to â in fact it comes with the realisation that this choice has been mine all along. As much as I have played victim and felt like I have been used, I can now see far beyond this â and what a vision this is.
What I can see is that yes, it has been a two way street (as it takes two to tango), but in fact, I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise.
The reason I am sharing this is that recently I have had the perfect opportunity to repeat this old behavior, and for the first time in my life, I donât want to, so I have made a different choice.
As soon as I felt myself make this choice to honour myself and take full responsibility for how I am with my body and with sex, it was as though a light shone on this entire aspect of my life. I have seen that as much as I have played victim in this, I in fact have been using another, as well as myself.
I can feel that in doing what I have always done, I am saying to myself and the other person: âYeah thisâll do, weâre not really worth real love anyway so letâs get it on and get it over withâ.
This is just crazy.
I love that I can now see this and not be in continual reaction to my old behaviours, which involved beating myself up for doing what I knew wasnât good for me, then losing myself in a myriad of confusion and emotions⊠what a spiral.
I also love that this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all others. I am actually feeling myself take another personâs feelings into consideration and with this I can feel that naturally I am responsible for my actions and how my actions then affect others. I can feel the fact that I deeply care for people, and that I do not want to hurt another person.
This is so beautiful as I can also hear in this that I do not want to hurt me. I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.
Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.
I want to meet this love head on, say âHelloâ and welcome what love has come to teach me and move forward with this. Until now it has been so easy to hold back, pull the reins, play the games, spinning round and round, but now that I know otherwise it is up to me to live this. I am, a woman with a choice.
By Anonymous
Further Reading:
Sex vs Making Love â Is There A Difference?
Sex, Drugs⊠and Making Love
A Letter To My 13 Year Old Self
Our body speaks the truth and reveals the difference between sex and making love.
Our body’s wisdom is always there for us to listen
The more we honour it, the louder it communicates
I had a really interesting experience recently while sitting in a restaurant with friends. I realized I was watching an out play in energy and the couple just seemed to be puppets of the energy that was being used through them. It was quite bizarre to watch this happening because if I take this further that means that we are all being dictated to by energy that for the most part is unseen and we are just like puppets being used. We think it is us making the choices but from my recent experience I have to now question, is it?
Anonymous one of the beautiful things about reading your blog is that through your writing I get to feel the love that you are and hence the love that we all are. The transference of love, how incredible is that?
Self-love, as in true self-love is such a vital component in what we’re prepared to put up with. When we truly care about ourselves then we become as protective and non negotiable as we are with a baby. You just basically don’t and won’t put up with any element of harm.
As a man finding that when we surrender to our body and listen to what it is telling us then in no way would we ever invade a womanâs body to have sex but as has been shared in this blog and comments that making Love is absolutely Amazing.
‘Invade a womanâs body’ Greg what a brilliant use of words to describe what having sex can be like sometimes but as Anonymous has shared ‘it’s a two way street’, we women can and do at times not only allow the invasion to take place but actively invite it in.
We all have choices, how lovely that you are now making choices to honour yourself and the love that you are, ‘I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’
I can so relate to the ‘lack of self-worth’ fueled decisions, and there were many of them, some making me squirm at the uncomfortable memory. But the crazy thing is, that while I was in the process of making them, there was a part of me that knew they weren’t true, but I over-road that innate wisdom and made them anyway such was the depth of my disregard for myself. Today the scales have finally tipped towards more self-love and more self-care and as a result those disregarding decisions are being made less and less.
Me too Ingrid and it is interesting what when making those self bashing choices we actually knew we were making the wrong choice but by making the choice it confirmed to us that we were not worth it and so cemented the lack of self worth deeper into our bodies. How crazy are we that we can do this to ourselves and it is accepted by us and the society we live in. No one stopped me from making loveless choices how could they when they were making loveless choices too.
From the moment I came to realise that âI am, a woman with a choiceâ, that I am not a victim, that any emptiness cannot be filled by anyone or anything, only by me, my whole life changed, immeasurably so. It changed from a life of feeling I wasnât enough just by being who I mistakenly thought I was, to one where I know that I am more than enough, a beautiful woman who lives life to the fullest, not just for me but for all.
I am not a victim, that any emptiness cannot be filled by anyone or anything, only by me,’ I love the power in your words here Ingrid Ward. There is so much for us to bring to the world – we can literally be the change we want to see but for this we have to first feel how we have been denying ourselves by allowing the emptiness to rule.
Reconnecting to the love of who we are is the opportunity to honour and respect our own and another’s body.
Absolutely, that is why it is so key to build a strong foundation of love for ourselves first and foremost.
How great is it to have more awareness and understanding, ‘ I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise’, we can then make different choices.
‘I am made to make love’.
Now I have never seen that written on paper, including the depth felt of the words.
We always have a choice to honour ourselves and others but so often we are stuck in a pattern of not recognising this because of our own lack of self-love.
Helen how many of us are raised in a way that love is the first and foremost expression. That love can be seen and felt by every movement every angle, so that no words need to be spoken because love surrounds us. I would say looking out to the world not many. I personally had no concept of true love and it wasn’t until I came across Universal Medicine that I had any inkling that there was the possibility of something different. A way of life where it is possible to be love and express it in full by reconnecting to the essence of who we are. Too me to be denied true love is the greatest crime on Earth as we have allowed ourselves to be led away from God into the wilderness of a loveless society that we actually hate while at the same time thinking that this is all there is.
At the moment I have been unpicking a lot of beliefs where I think I have to jump in and agree to what is asked of me without actually asking myself “Do I really, truly feel to do that?” Or holding back and waiting until other people put their 2 cents in and then I act. I am allowed to have a choice based on what I feel is true for me and it is quite liberating.
Beautiful, an invitation for us to start making choices that are valuing who we are and what we truly want. This is our way to break down any abusive thought or behavior that keep us in loveless manners.
In honouring the love we are, we naturally are moved to honor the love in all and that includes not accepting loveless behaviour.
We use our body as a pawn, a trump card to be sold and bartered when all along it has all the love and wisdom anyone could ever need. Invest in your body and go deep.
So true Joseph, we treat our bodies so incredibly shabbily and yet as you say ‘it has all the love and wisdom anyone could ever need’ or more accurately’ it’s a portal for’ ‘all the love and wisdom anyone could ever need’.
Wonderful honesty shared here about what women get out of using men sexually, even if it looks like the woman is the victim. I feel that if we are honest, women using men to fill an emptiness is common. The problem is that we compromise ourselves and the sex feeds rather than fills the emptiness. We have the power to change this as women when we look inside and develop a caring, nurturing relationship with ourselves that wouldnât dream of accepting anything less than love.
Being loving with ourselves is the greatest Us that we can be and bring to another. Itâs not selfish but setting a standard and quality of the relationship.
I love what you have shared Anon, and the realisations that have come to you to change the way you relate to yourself and others, when these words are realised and lived “I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love. ” we realise all along we have choice to express that love.
âI am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.â What a beautiful reminder of the truth of what I am; what we all are. But just imagine if we were taught this as a child and supported to embody it as we grew. I am sure that if we did there would be no need for a reminder because we would know this truth in every particle of our being.
Whether we like the fact or not, whenever we are not loving ourselves we are also making a choice to abuse ourselves. And when we abuse ourselves we also abuse others by holding back our love.
When we don’t live our true quality in our everyday life then we seek relief from life and then physical intimacy becomes about getting a need met not about the quality between two people.
So true, well said MW.
It is such to truly care for another is to deeply care for yourself.
The more we hold ourselves in love and connect with the fact that we are love, then the less and less we accept anything less than love in our lives.
How often do we say no and the opposite happens or say yes to re-visit whatever later and feel we actually should have said no? Then could it âbe a vessel for another to use me in such a way,â so that we do not actually truly know whether we are Arthur or Martha until we reconnect to the love we all are?
Often when we ‘use’ sex as a way to bring intimacy into our lives, it is actually an act that I don’t enjoy. I am often there just wanting to get it over and done with as there is no connection in it. Sometimes I might start that but then half way through feel the emptiness of it and not actually enjoy that feeling.
When we realise that we do have a choice it is a paradigm shift in consciousness that changes our life.
I find it beautiful that you can claim your wanting a truly loving relationship because this has been experienced first with yourself. Being brave then doesn’t really come in to it, as it just feels right. So, being a woman with choice is powerful.
“Meeting love head onâ so we are open in the inner-heart to all that life throws at us is the simple way of evolution.
Not to cower in the face of challenges or even calamity but to remain open and responsive knowing that we are eternally held and that at the end of the day no real harm can come to any of us because we are the eternal aspect of God temporarily masquerading as nothing other than human beings.
One of the greatest liberations you can have is to realise the hurts you were holding onto were not truly you anyway as in fact you are so much greater and grander than they have ever allowed you to consider yourself to be.
What a beautiful blog, such deep and profound truth is being shared about us women. Of course we have a choice, to come from our divine power is our choice, it is a building we can choose to do, instead of all the misery and complexity and all else. To stand for the beauty, power and love that we naturally here to express. I love being a woman, and returning back to who I am, sharing this with women is my equal joy and deepening.
I come from a very similar point Anonymous and it feels very healing for me reading this blog today. Since some time now, I’m taking more and more responsibility about the energy I allow to flow through my body, as well as my past projections on men. This is a work in progress, but I can feel in my body the huge difference that it is when I move and embrace myself, knowing who I really am. I know now that nobody will fill any emptiness inside but me. For the first time in my whole life I’m relating with men in a very new, respectful and refreshing way. Feeling the love within me is feeling the love with everyone, and this can’t fit in any sexual image as it is beyond that.
Very powerful to share and appreciate that we choose to be a victim. I too have had experiences where i have said no to sex but it has happened anyway and in that i have a responsibility to look at where I was not saying truth in my words and my movements.
How is it that we have a world where such care for ourselves is often called ‘selfish’ and discouraged, yet it is not until we love and respect ourselves that we in truth hold another in the same way. So much harm could and would be eliminated from our world if self love, care and respect was fostered from birth.
” I have seen that as much as I have played victim in this, I in fact have been using another, as well as myself. ” Wow this is a huge understanding and a huge acceptance of responsibility , responsibility itself been simple in that you are the only one that can be you , so this is natural to you ” I am, a woman with a choice. ” thank you for sharing.
‘I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’ Beautiful and very empowering! That is the choice to make and reflect to humanity.
Only when we choose to be a vessel of love, that is, with full respect for ourselves and the other one, making love is possible. It seems simple to be love and it is, just when we hold to it consistently and honestly look, recognize and discard what is not… as you did Anonymous. Thank you so much for bringing light into this subject
Thank you for sharing your journey to love Anon. Your sharing of your story will inspire many of us to look at ourselves and love what they see and not abuse that amazing being that we are.
It is deeply empowering, deeply loving and healing when we choose to take responsibility for everything that happens to us. This is a gorgeous blog, thank you!
“I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.” A beautiful realisation of the love that you are.
I love your blog Anonymous – this really speaks to me: “I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.” A while ago I had an experience where I entered into something I knew was not right however I wanted to ‘give it a go’ so to speak ; result was that within 12 hours I became unwell and developed a severe cough over the next few days ( and only that) that lasted for 7 weeks. Looking at this and feeling into it for me it felt like something very old that was lying dormant made its way up to the surface for me to see feel and let go of. I am so much clearer now and I feel deeply that this old pattern has cleared and I am much more connected to the love that I am than I ever have and also am able to hold another in that love as well.
” but in fact, I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside ” this is a huge learning and will bring about what true relationships is all about, sharing and expressing the love that is there, thank you for sharing.
It really is a no brainer when we truly respect ourselves, our lives flow, our relationships are more deeper and real, self respect, self love is the vital ingredients needed for any successful relationship.
Awesome to feel how you are now taking responsibility for choosing love and not the pale imitations that we have settled for over the years.
Absolutely – every woman has a choice, so do men. So we can either play a game of being less or small – or choose to stand for what we know to be true and live by that – a way that is speaking up to the evil that is going on and makes space for the love in oneself.
We can learn and grow so much when we reflect on and are honest about the past.
Playing the victim card is a great way to not take responsibility for ones own choices. When this is realised, there is a beautiful honesty and humbleness that can guide you to understanding what behaviours lay beneath the surface.
The power in saying âNoâ is that, it comes from a sense of knowing who we are, that we are more than enough and that lovelessness has not part in our lives. It is a deep honouring of who we are and a reflection for all that love is our true way of being.
How amazing to have a relationship based on love first, and then everything else comes from that love. When we segment things into parts and don’t account for the whole then relationships become complicated indeed.
It is wonderful to be making choices that evolve us, and to continue this evolution as we let go of the old.
Thank you for sharing I have found there is such a vast difference between having sex and making love. Sex now feels a bit disgusting because of the unlovingness of it and how effectively we have used each other for some sort of relief. Whereas making love feels like a union, where you are both truly honoured and come together to celebrate this fact.
Yes we as women really can play into being a part of a broader issue of how men are in society, how we treat them, how we have expectations of how they need to be in life, the supporter, the provider, manly, tough, the protector and the like. But in fact we then want them to be super sensitive, tender, caring and connected. However, we are not fostering this in little boys, letting them know it is ok for them to stay connected to those qualities in themselves. This is something we as women have to take responsibility for the part we play in this.
“Until now it has been so easy to hold back, pull the reins, play the games, spinning round and round, but now that I know otherwise it is up to me to live this. I am, a woman with a choice.” Thankyou for this powerful blog Anonymous. It seems crackers that we hold back on who we truly are, yet i recall a family member calling me to account when my young son, in all his gorgeousness and beautifully ‘full of himself’ – in the right way – because it obviously pressed all her buttons as she couldn’t allow herself to express similarly. And i too in my turn have done the same. No judgement, but if we allowed youngsters to truly express themselves the world would change dramatically – and will do so in time.
Beautiful Anonymous, what I appreciate most of all about your post is the way you have joined the dots between the harm we allow with ourselves and the abuse we dish out. Whichever way you look at it, we all are involved – whether we are the victim or the perpetrator. By letting this pass for ‘normal life’ we hide from seeing our crucial part in the cycle of harm. Wow – when we finally feel this and say ‘no more’ the world better watch out.
‘The harm that we allow with ourselves’ is also the ‘abuse we dish out’, it’s just that we’re dishing it out to ourselves. And I would also add that every ‘victim’ is also a perpetrator in that if a perpetrator is ‘a person who carries out a harmful act’, then playing the victim role when you’re a Son of God is a harmful act.
Why is it we judge women and men for sleeping around or those that get stoned with alcohol and drugs (I know in both cases I do) yet if we become sad and depressed and perhaps end up being ill that’s more acceptable? In truth these behaviours are one of the same because essentially there is an emptiness, a lack of connection to one’s innermost.
I agree we have a choice in every moment and becoming aware of that is already a game changer, as it gives us the space to observe ourselves and how we are in any given situation, to then unravel our own part in it to be able to say no and really stop what we do not want.
To be honest, there are so many areas in my life that I see clearly and feel very capable in and willing to work on and evolve and expand on. Sex and making love, is one such area that I haven’t paid enough attention to and that has made me feel empty and less on many occasions. Whenever I do face this very important part of my life, with myself and my partner, (just as crucial as every other part of life) it reveals more beliefs and ideals we have been holding on to that are not love and we open up to more intimacy together.
In this world there is so much game playing and confusion when it comes to relationships and especially when it comes to sex. Many people do not grow up with a strong knowing of who they are which then opens them up to self abuse and abuse from others. It is only when we do connect to ourselves and love ourselves first will we find that divinity and real love true in a relationship.
This is true Samantha. what stands out for me now with knowing the difference between having sex and making love, is how abusive I was to myself and to the partners I had. It is easy to see how things have escalated into being more abusive and with a younger age group, when self worth is non-existent.
Thank you for sharing that which needs to be shared on the topic love and sex and how we can be vulnerable with what we feel and let go of that which is not love, which is not truth or divine power.
There is a lot that can happen in these interchanges and often so much that goes un-communicated. In our relationships we need to open up and talk about how we feel and what is going on when we have sex so that we can honour ourselves and enjoy it.
We grow up with pictures coming from everywhere what having sex is and that it is somewhat the thing to look forward to the most. It is also said that it is about making love not having sex as that is more special. Yet what is missing in all this is the true energy of love. With this I mean to be able to make love you have to live truly lovingly every day with everyone. Making love can’t be switched on in a second, it is a livingness. So if we would see people around us be loving this would be the best education growing up to not give ourselves and the other away to sex without love. This can’t be conveyed in words only, the words have to be lived first. Until that time it is reality we can start with this ourselves first.
I love what you have touched on here Lieke, “Making love canât be switched on in a second, it is a livingness.” This is key really of if one is making love or just having sex. If your livingness is not one of love then how can you really say your making love? It shows that we are individually responsible for bringing and expanding on our love to ourselves and then others.
How absolutely raw, exposing and incredibly claiming, loved what you have shared here Anonymous. Very brave to be so revealing about yourself and take responsibility for all that has unfolded in your life, with yourself, sex and men. Thank you for sharing all you have, I am very sure there is a lot many of us can relate to and take a lot from what you have experienced.
‘I am a woman with a choice’. Awesome! A story well worth sharing with everyone!
I have used sex in the past as a way to feel good about myself, i.e. if a man finds me so attractive that he wants to have sex with me then I must be OK. It feels so different to love myself first and foremost and then to have a loving relationship that is physical, but not based on any emotional need.
It is through choice we feel the emptiness and heal and when we do we break and let go of the abusive cycles so no more do we carry out the behaviours that we once thought had a hold on us. Every moment offers us a choice to choose love or not.
I have been using men to fill my emptiness but also to feel save as if living as a woman on my own was full of danger. I guess I was my own worst enemy with my fear and how I made myself less, manipulating others,controlled by images I had about being a woman. Connecting to the love and wisdom that lives inside me has made me a woman with a choice, discarding images along the way.
It is interesting how many ideals and beliefs come up around sex. I entered a new relationship recently and can feel that as a woman there are these thoughts I have that I owe it to a man to be a certain way in the bedroom and that I need to perform a certain way. I can also feel my partner has pictures of how he needs to be. When we run with these I can feel how there is no connection in this and it becomes very loveless.
“I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise.” Reading this part stopped me as you could replace ‘men’ with any other activity that brings harm, discomfort and dis-ease to our bodies. Sitting here I read this and stated to myself that the repeated behaviours that make me feel flat, dull, anxious etc I haven’t known how to deal with the emptiness these behaviours are trying to fill. And from experience the more I connect to my body I learn that I know how to fill and heal this emptiness.
Intimacy and the loving movements we have for ourselves lays the foundation for our lives constantly. The great thing is that we always have a choice to make loving steps towards expansion or not but we can always change our next step. Life is constantly shifting and moving if we so choose it.
To finally come to a place when I now honour myself as a beautiful âwoman with choiceâ, has been the most amazing process and although often painful and raw it is a process that I would never want to have missed. And in peeling back the layers of old emotions and hurts I have not only come to love and respect myself again there has been a beautiful ripple effect that has flowed on to those around me as I honour the choices that they are making in their lives
The politics of sex, so much lies beneath the activity of the act of sex, the games, control, manipulation, need, numbing, distraction, gratification…the list goes on and I know that I have chosen some of them along the way. And how we approach the activity of sex deeply impacts on our relationships, I know it did with me and men for some time. Taking more responsibility for our choices enables relationships to flourish and deepen and I also feel that I no longer blame or hold men to ransom for choices that I have also made long the way.
The emptiness you write of Anon is always in the forefront of our loveless behaviours, and not only to ourselves but to others also. What really comes across in this blog is how we use each other and then play the victim, or the rejected, whatever flavour is popular at the time.
As long as we have the emptiness inside (which at times can be felt strongly in the body) we will be on the pursuit to rid ourselves with things from outside of us – more conversations about the emptiness we feel and the many ways we try not to feel it, are what is needed for us to move forward as a humanity.
“I am, a woman with a choice.” Yes and in every moment – but I know I have often given my power away – not just with sex – in order to fit in and be liked etc. We are all love in essence. Bringing children up to love and deeply honour themselves and their bodies would leave less room for the emptiness – that we then try to fill ourselves with – using the antics we get up to in order not to feel our hurt.
Knowing as women we are deeply caring for another, that we are sensitive to others’ needs, this is a beautiful reflection to ask, are we as deeply caring for ourselves and to our own needs? I love how we can always playfully let the other person know how precious we are and therefore respecting our preciousness naturally allows us to respect theirs.
What a powerhouse of a blog Anonymous, Super clear, super loving and super claimed. Beautiful example of how much love we hold when we stop living and making choices from our hurt.
Reading this makes me realise how many dynamics we allow to play out in relationships. Ultimately it is that honestly and self reflection that is most important, looking at our own role in what plays out is always more important that looking to blame another for what may have transpired.
It can be quite shocking at times to reflect on the way I have been living but at the same time as uncomfortable as they are, it is moments like these to deeply appreciate… I am a forever student.
“I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.” Absolute awesome statement.
“I am a woman with a choice”, how very beautiful and powerful Anonymous. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom. By your story I am particularly reminded that we always have a choice, at times not always easy but none the less we do have a choice. I am inspired by you.
When we settle for something less, it does not honour ourselves nor the other person.
Incredible blog Anonymous, what a healing to receive and read. Simply because all the words spoke to my body and instantly I could feel the truth. We have a choice, that is a choice to connect to our worthiness as a woman, our power-full ways and to learn how to walk,talk and do everything from in life. Now that is worth exploring. Thanks to Universal Medicine I now can.
A deeply empowering blog Anonymous, thank you for sharing this with us. To understand that we always have a choice in life, this to me feels truly empowering because it leaves no room for blaming others or for being identified with being a victim, instead it inspires us to take full responsibility for life and our choices. Knowing and living with this truth can be life changing.
Thank you Anon. Reading your self discovery of true love is beautiful. At the beginning the words are cold and hard and as you talk about the blossoming of love there is a warmth and gentleness in the words.
Thank you Anon, we do devalue ourselves when we settle for less than love, hoping that sex or a crumb of affection from another could ever fill the empty void of not loving ourselves.
I love how it brings it back to the choice of our movements we make. That we can choose to make loving movements in all that we do and all that we connect with and this is something so beautiful to share and grow with forevermore. Making love is an eternal movement felt from within and reflected outwardly so.
Great sharing and yes it’s so important to show both ourselves and then others, men and women, that love making is love in action, not that the action in itself generates love. Love is something that needs to be there first.
It is so deeply beautiful to feel how the power of our willingness to be honest, shines the light of truth on our behaviours, exposing where they come from. Is the way we move and act impulsed by the Love we are – all of us equally, or driven by the hurts and pain we feel from being in separation to the Love we are? It is so true that our bodies offer us the greatest marker of knowing what is honoring of the Love we are within and what is not. And as such it is well worth building a deeply loving relationship with our bodies.
“I am, a woman with a choice.”
Thank-you Anon i will take this line out with me today.
Even though we all have choice it’s worth remembering that our choices are dependant on our movements, we don’t have access to an unlimited array of choices at any point in time. I feel very much that I have migrated from one set of available choices to another by the slow gradual change in my movements. My movements being what I choose to say, the thoughts that I entertain and those I don’t and of course the way in which I move my limbs. We are not the free thinking people that we think we are, we are portals through which certain choices are given to us and then we choose from that particular range of choices. What we choose from that range then governs the next set of choices and so it goes.
It does come back to choices and whether we choose a true relationship or an association.
This is beautiful sharing, what has been shared is men often get the blame for sex, but how easily its over looked that a women could be the one initiating it instead and the men have just gone along. There is is equal responsibility here for both men and women,how they choose to make love or have sex.
What we project to another is a clear example of the quality of life that we live. Thank you Anonymous for sharing the level of responsibility you were willing to go to in order understand that what we are not willing to work through and see is often what we react to the most “thinking’ it all comes from another and the blame game begins.
This made me consider the role that women play in initiating sex and how while the man may take the blame when sex occurs when it isn’t really loving, there is a role for both equally in what occurs in many instances. What is of most importance to me now is not apportioning blame of course but making the choice to make sexual interactions about love and a deep care and connection with my partner. It is amazing the more this is initiated how deeply unsatisfying anything less than this is, and how much it stands out like a sore thumb.
I’ve realised how sex has come from feeling empty, wanting attention, holding onto hurts and not wanting to feel them and wanting to feel needed at whatever cost. Even writing this feels a drain on my body, painful and yuk. There is a definite choice that presents in every situation and if we are completely honest we know we are the ones that have said yes to love or not before these choices.
This is lovely ….. ‘As soon as I felt myself make this choice to honour myself and take full responsibility for how I am with my body and with sex, it was as though a light shone on this entire aspect of my life.’ It just goes to show when we honour ourselves and make loving choices how powerful it is.
So often we can blame it on the men, well… I know I have, for feeling like being used or mistreated. But we all have a responsibility for what we choose in relationships and what situations we put our selves in. The more we realise that we always have a choice, the less we can fall on blame to take the flack for our unwillingness to see our part in the picture.
‘we all have a responsibility for what we choose in relationships and what situations we put our selves in’ Although sometimes this can be hard to be honest about, understand and see it is most definitely true.
Making love is the most natural way we can be with each other and that isn’t in a sexual sense either. It’s the way we move, walk, talk, prepare food, it’s pretty much the way we live with anyone. This way can then be confirmed with a partner in love making.
This is so beautifully honest to read Anonymous and super supportive for anyone with similar behaviours they know are harming them and feel there is no choice. When we become more responsible it is easier to make loving choices that truly support ourselves and others.
How many people are in relationships that are abusive or accept abuse and do not think or know it is a form of abuse? I was contemplating this this morning and it felt quite scary to feel that potentially this is a very large percentage, if not all of the population. I love the fact that instead of being a victim you chose to look at your part in previous relationships and what you got from them not being loving … in doing this and accepting this low level of love (or attention) it is ultimately a kind of ‘get out clause’ in not being all we truly are and loving ourselves to the max. Ironic really as the latter, loving ourselves is far more easier than not!
” I am, a woman with a choice.” How beautiful is it Anonymous to know and to live this…..for me this has taken many years and has only become possible as I have come to know and love myself, no longer needing to give myself away to feel accepted, wanted or loved.
I absolutely love reading this blog anonymous and it is the most beautiful and empowering feeling to know we have a choice in life of how we are with ourselves and others. We do not have to give ourselves away to sex when we feel uncomfortable or empty, we can choose to love ourselves in every moment even if it seems hard at the start and that creates the foundation to not choose those behaviors over making love.
Loving ourselves in every moment is nye on impossible for most of us, the only ‘person’ that I know who does this really, really well is God.
When we make it about love everything does change. It is the most beautiful feeling and what we are all truly seeking as well as deserving.
So true, Anonymous. As women we do have a choice – we can settle for less or we can indeed honour that which lies within each of us, and treat ourselves and those around us with the true respect, care and love and adoration that we all deserve.
Thank you anonymous this blog was a great read, when we connect more to ourselves and feel the love we natural are, we are naturally impulsed to share that love equally with others, and through that love and care all of our relationships change.
Realising we have a choice changes everything. We realise we are responsible for everything and in that there is complete freedom. We are always free to choose and there is always a choice.
We are responsible for the choices we make and it’s good to recognise this. At the same time, what’s also important is to understand why we’ve been making choices that don’t support us or nurture us – what’s behind those choices, driving us to choose them. Because from there, the understanding can assist in giving us other options, other responses in the form of choices that are more honouring of who we are.
So beautiful Anonymous, there is a lot many of us can relate to I am sure in what you have shared. The projecting onto, the wanting to be fixed or us fix them, the neediness, the ideals and beliefs that come from what we are indoctrinated into at very early ages through media, film and books. So refreshing to read a women taking full responsibility and not bringing one ounce of blame, very wonderful to read, thank you.
This is great to read, I am in a new relationship and can feel the responsibility we both have to lay the foundation for how we want to be with each other. When we bring in our issues we are capping the relationship and bringing it away from what it can be and in this it just gets complicated. There is such beauty in just being together, expressing and enjoying the simplicity without having pictures of how it needs to be.
When we do not let ourselves live the fullness of who we truly are, we allow ourselves to be filled with all we truly are not. It is this aching emptiness (for it is âemptyâ of true love) that has us embark on an endless quest for fillers and reach out to each other in need and desperation when all the while, deep within lies the saviour light that is our love, slowly burning and ever ready to re-ignite into its full and fiery flame.
âThus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.â
What a truly powerful and heavenly proclamation of love â wow. We are here called to be the more that we are and not settle for a second for anything less than this true majesty.
I have realized and come to accept that if I ‘give myself’ in sex, this can only happen when I am needing someone else to deliver intimacy, love and connection, rather than choosing to feel connection and love in myself first. I know that I will never experience true intimacy and connection through sex.
And not only does giving myself up in this way deeply harm me, but my partner also feels that the sex has no true love or caring in it, so they are also harmed by the choice. The damaging impact to both of us for a brief moment of pleasure is just not worth it!
Thank you Anonymous. I am blown away by how honestly you express here and I can see that you have allowed this honesty through acceptance of your choices and a deep connection to your true loveliness.
Amazing how when we make a decision to deepen our self care and self honouring then we actually create a new marker and a new ‘level’ of what is acceptable and what is no longer acceptable. Thank you for your sharing – and the inspiration to keep bringing more love and respect towards ourselves and those around us.
We are indeed women with a choice, although there were times in history it seemed we had no choice I now clearly see I have always a choice. The choice to live from my essence and to express accordingly. Too long we have made ourselves the victim instead of seeing our own contribution to how life is and that we, all are responsible back then and present time.
The more we build love in our bodies the more we can see and feel the ill behaviours that hurt us in our lives.
It is so empowering when we understand that we continuously have a choice in all that we do. We can either choose love or not love, it is up to us and when we accept this we realise that we can no longer blame others and the world around us for our choices as we are responsible for the energy we choose to align to.
I would like this to feature in all teenage and women’s magazines. Through out the world there are many people who would benefit from reading about your experience. We are so much more than the games we play.
I am inspired by what you share here, the deep love and care you for others we all have is indeed the basis from which we should be in all our relationships, not using any body to protect our hurts on or feel jealous about but just seeing everyone from the enormous love there is in each of us. We should handle everybody with the utmost care, we are precious.
Consent from both people in any sexual activity is an absolute. As well as being responsible in deeply loving ourselves to the bone and having complete self-worth and self-esteem to only accept absolute love and respect from others.
Your blog really highlights the responsibility we all have to not impose our needs onto others, to take responsibility and love ourselves.
“I want to meet this love head on, say âHelloâ and welcome what love has come to teach me and move forward with this.” This is what I choose for myself now and building on being that love in all situations and relationships to the best of my ability. The world needs our truly loving reflection, and I dearly thank-you for yours Anonymous.
“I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.”- So beauty-fully expressed, claimed and felt.
When we choose love as our true foundation in relationships for ourself first and then with others, sex becomes an abuse on the body. Only true love can be expressed and shared by two people.
There is truely a cycle with the game of – “beating myself up for doing what I knew wasnât good for me’ – it makes little sense that we are so aware of what we could do to support our lives but at the same time chose not to and then indulge in the recrimination of our choices
It’s a silly game that keeps us trapped in the cycle of abuse, from self and others, which ultimately is all about shirking responsibility.
“I am actually feeling myself take another personâs feelings into consideration and with this I can feel that naturally I am responsible for my actions and how my actions then affect others.” This is such a great line as I can feel when I feel hurt I often ignore this and ‘use’ other people to react on even though they have nothing to do with what hurt me. Considering that we are all the same and are all very sensitive and tender is a great thing to do as I will less likely dump my reactions onto them knowing this.
A beautiful profound blog, thank you.
The understanding of Love in relationship and making love is one of the biggest misunderstandings impacting both men and women. Re-claiming your truth, honouring yourself and practicing true love by way of choice, thought, movement and presence changes lives. Thank you Anonymous for opening up discussion and giving others the opportunity to check-in with where they are in their expectations and relationships
It allows the man to have a choice as well. It gives him the opportunity to be tender and loving and reflect this to the woman and in turn she can express her gentleness and stillness which would be reflected back to her. It becomes a circle of love with no beginning or end.
‘no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you’ Anonymous I began healing a major hurt yesterday. Today through reading your words I allow myself to see more of my hurt – the hurt I project onto others in a belief that I am protecting myself. Thank you for sharing.
I am a woman with choice, and every moment is an opportunity for me to make a truly loving choice (with no perfection) In the past I would not have agreed with that statement, as my level of responsibility towards myself and my actions was sorely lacking and not something I wanted to address in a hurry, as the lack of responsibility was a tool I used to hold myself back and not step up. Now I can see how when I do hold back, everyone is less.
There have been times in my past relationships where I have felt bored or disinterested in having sex, feeling the pressure of making it exciting or interesting, which is totally making it about the end result and performance, nothing about connecting with another because your feeling how amazing you feel in your body and you want to celebrate and confirm the intimacy you have built with your partner by coming together and making love. It is so lovely to be in a place now where the first choice just isnât an option, as my own love will only accept absolute love and respect for myself. This is a responsibility I wholeheartedly accept.
Julie you raise a great point. Sex comes with so many expectations that the pressure we put ourselves under is crazy. It’s all about performance and basically it’s all about the individual and not the couple. So if the performance is not satisfactory we can blame the other person. Sex is everything we are naturally not. It’s no different to taking drugs, alcohol or chocolate. It’s just another form of abuse.
To have the revelation that it is ones own responsibility to make love or have sex with a partner is huge. The simple understanding that we need to first Love ourselves before we can love another must make all the difference to our self esteem and our own acceptance of the wonder of who we are, and the equality that we all need to acknowledge , love and respect and honour in our relationships.
Anonymous, there is something very powerful about your blog, your open and honest sharing of yourself deeply. The claiming of yourself in your statement – ‘I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love’, reflects much about our ‘Being’ in the world and the divine tenderness and fragility we hold within. In true appreciation from another ‘Woman of Choice’.
I have not been in an intimate relationship for a while, in all honesty there is still a need in me to be with a man and in a relationships, but at the same time i can also feel how beautiful it would be to be. But, as you have written what I have come to learn, am learning and living as much as I can, as I’m not perfect, is that I am no longer willing to accept relationships and that is friendships too, that are less than truly loving and deeply caring, be it with myself, or others or how other people are with me.
Something I have come to learn recently is the fact – we always have a choice.
Sometimes I forget I have in a choice with life, in everything. This is when I end up being exhausted as I allow life, or in truth I should say an energy that is not me, to run me, instead of stopping and saying no wait a minute, I am me first before anything else I do, say or think, and it is always my choice as to what words, actions and thoughts run me. Do I allow myself to be run by an energy that is not our true divine source, called prana or do I choose to connect to the one and only true divine fiery energy, from which we all come from, that reconnects us back to our Soul.
Responsibility I have come to feel and know is a wonderful thing and something to be embraced. It is wonderful to take responsibility for our lives.
‘I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’ I like to highlight this sentence because it touched me deeply. I can feel the truth of what you write resonate within me, flowing through my body and through my feet in particular. You have inspired me to express that because I am love, made of love, made to love, made to express love and made to make love I will no longer settle for anything less.
“…I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise.” Your woods are powerful anonymous and I feel supported knowing that another woman has made a transition from using men to fill the emptiness she feels to cherishing herself enough to say no more to this behaviour. When I connect to the truth of sexual energy it is ugly. You show that the truth about what we really feel and who we truly are is actually very beautiful and can inspire great change.
Thank you Anonymous, for sharing your very relatable personal experience of your unfolding relationship with your sexuality as a woman. I had a rather large ouch when I recently realised that I had spent most of my life allowing men to abuse my body in the name of Love. In fact, most of this time was within my marriage, although appearing loving on the outside (we were great friends), looking back I know that both of us felt empty, hence the abuse, which I have to take responsibility for regarding my part in the arrangement. It is thanks to Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health who have taught me what abuse really is, from the subtle nuances of disregarding what our bodies are telling us to full-blown physical or emotional violence, and years of allowing abuse on many levels into our lives. I am working on my feelings of sadness of all of those years, but through the esoteric modalities and the sacred movement, I too and claiming myself as a women more and more every day. I’m feeling more womanly, feminine and sexy and loving every minute of it, and realising I do have a choice in every moment, to honour me.
Thank you Anonymous, your blog is a wake up call for many.
Thank you for this blog, the choice to have sex to fill a deeper longing resonates with me and I can see how this played out in my life as well. The ability to respect myself and my partner has been paramount to changing this.
‘A Woman with Choice’ is a great title because it is true, we do have a choice in every moment to make a loving choice or not. Without self love and an appreciation for ourselves it can be difficult to make loving choices because we are so used to making choices from being less than we truly are. Knowing I have a choice stops the victim mentality I can go into, blaming others for the choices I have made The more I claim who I am, the more I am able to make choices that truly support me in everything I do.
This truly is a wonderful blog, by taking responsibility for your own choices towards yourself and so lovingly seeing also how they effect others as well, is such a good platform to leap from to a higher state of love for everyone.
It seems like this philosophy you mention Anonymous of “yeah thisâll do” applies to the way we are with everything in life. It is incredibly powerful then when we make a different choice in any one small area. Like you say at the end, its as if we meet Love with open arms then and say yes to letting it into our life, because the half-measures and sad compromises are no longer taking up the space.
This is absolutely brilliant Joseph. These half measures and compromises are the source of our misery and what we allow in one aspect of our life affects and infects everything we do and our choices in other areas.
Great call Mary re humanity wanting a different way – so true. The evidence is clear what we have is not working. We called Universal Medicine and the Esoteric Healing modalities back into being because at a deep level we’ve been ready for them even if many of us are in resistance to it/them at this early stage.
It’s interesting what we can do in order to fill the void within – whether it’s sex, golf, stamp collecting, eating, work whatever it is we choose. What I was very pleased to be able to do – with thanks to Universal Medicine – was discover what I was missing was 1) me and 2) purpose. Establishing a connection to both has vastly reduced my need for external fillers.
Could you expand on point 2 . Purpose, Victoria? I’m not quite comprehending what you mean by purpose.
I love the honesty Anonymous that you bring in sharing your experience about sex, which is often seen as a taboo subject, if you were brought up catholic , or talked about from needing to impress another or fit in- in the case of peer pressure at school. It’s beautiful how your body has made you aware of your intention in having sex.
I can feel the self empowerment, self honour and self love in reclaiming the woman you are, by now making your every choice about LOVE.
âI am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.ââŠAbsolutely anonymous, only love is real as love is everything and we are a part of everything.
In re-reading this beautiful sharing again today I realise that for so many years with my past choices, I allowed myself to use my body as a cover up for not expressing what I truly felt. A little bit like lets have sex and it will sort out the underlying unspoken issues. Relief was sort – Yes ouch with that realisation. In your words Anonymous “I am responsible for my actions and how my actions then effect others”. The ripple effect is huge. Thank you for sharing your amazing journey.
What a glorious blog! The power of you claiming that you are love is immense and so inspiring. Thank you so much for this sharing.
Wow can we have blog read as part of self development and sexual education at schools? Such an important subject we all need to know we have a choice, a choice to be the love we really truly are. Anything else we get taught will be peanuts compared to this.
I absolutely agree Samantha, having a blog like this in schools would be awesome in helping to empower students to know they do have a choice and that they are worth making the choice to honour and respect in this way.
Wow Anonymous, I really love what you have shared, so honest and it feels very healing. I know for me it brought a few tears to my eyes, reflecting back on the choices I have made as a women. The very disregarding and many many dishonouring choices I have made and beaten myself up for, over the years. Wishing I’d made different choices, more claiming ones along the way. But then I realized that, those as also choices, to go back down memory lane and feel terrible about myself, or allow myself to feel what needs to be felt and then move on. That is the choice I am making. : )
I simply love this what you have shared…”I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.”… This truly is the basis of who we are naturally.
We can relate your blog to a lot of instances in life anonymous, where we just do because we are pleasing another or fitting in … with the end result feeling quite empty. Truly choosing with the responsibility to be self loving first and make the choice brings a deeper connection and relationship with us building stronger foundations. These foundations become our next experience.
So it seems that what we are all saying is, if we are choosing to have sex, we have not brought all of our gorgeous selves to the occasion and are wanting to fill a void that is lacking intimacy because if we had brought all of our gorgeous self, not one cell would want to have sex and take us away from our own precious self love, or disrespect the other either, as the love there held, would not allow it.
Our bodies are used to express all that is love from God, and truly so we are made to make love every moment of every day, it is normal.
Adele in one sentence you have delivered the whole universe. I had tears in my eyes as I read it as it is so true and so simple. Our bodies are made for expressing love every second of the day in everything we do, not just for making love.
Reading your blog again today Anonymous -what stood out this time was -“I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love.” I relate to this a lot as I continuously by observing my self, feeling into if there are pockets where I do still hurt my self and if I find some, gently letting them go and holding my self again in the love that I am and which I can feel most of the times these days too.
How gracious anonymous – “I am actually feeling myself take another personâs feelings into consideration and with this I can feel that naturally I am responsible for my actions and how my actions then affect others.” Choosing to honour another person by making it about love first and foremost appreciates that men too are equal in the sensitivity they can feel. It gives both participants a marker for making love.
Yes great – it’s interesting it has been touched on in this blog how we are never truly victims even when we think we are being exploited or feel that way. There is always something in it for us, even if it is only identification in our victimhood. Other trade-offs, in this kind of scenario, might include feeling wanted, experiencing a fleeting intimacy of a kind, papering over the cracks in a relationship, and so on.
“Until now it has been so easy to hold back, pull the reins, play the games, spinning round and round, but now that I know otherwise it is up to me to live this.” So true anonymous, it is great to realise that when we do know we have the responsibility to live it. I realised this actually the other day, like know that I am amazing and that I am love, so why am I putting so much effort in to not being love and amazing? How often I am busy with what is not good about me. I could see on a deeper level that if I now I am I can also live according to being this Love and Amazing and make it my reality every day. It is not enough just knowing it. Thank you for this awesome blog.
This is a great article Anonymous. How wonderful is it when we can feel in our body that we just don’t want to continue in the momentum of a certain behaviour – this means we are loving ourselves more – this means we are dealing with our hurts – it’s time to celebrate when we are ready to break these old patterns of abuse and claim the love we are in a lived way. Thank you for sharing, love it!
I too am learning to honour my body and all I feel more and more and this feels very beautiful very confirming and allows an appreciation and love to flow in my body and a deep respect and honouring. This is a beautiful way to live in true relationship with my self my body and my divine connection. We as women and all of us certainly do have a choice and that choice is simply to live ,be and express the love we are and not hold back and a knowing that anything that is not love is abuse and to say no to this. Thank you for a great sharing.
You have exposed so beautifully the heavy layers of ideals and beliefs that we have buried ourselves under, gone along with and said yes to time and again, reinforcing that we deserve less than LOVE…crazy!
Choosing to honour my delicacy and tenderness, opening fully to my partner and letting my body lead the way is very powerful and sexy as it comes with no agenda or need, no power plays, and allows the space for a true meeting of two people, playfully connecting in another expression of love…yum!
We ALWAYS have a choice, men or women. This blog is showing us that loving choice vs unloving is possible to make when we are more aware of our body, listening to it and not coming from needy emptiness.
It was a bit of an ouch moment realising that by having sex with men was in fact using them to fill my emptiness. On some level they must feel this too, so no one wins. Aren’t we all playing a game with each other?
I spent many years saying yes when I really meant no, never truly feeling a tender touch, and if anyone came along that did offer me a tender touch I ran a mile because it was too confronting. My body is still feeling the hardness of this and I am sure I am not alone and there are many women who walk around tight lipped and resentful because they feel they are a victim when in reality they DO have a choice, and the choice is to begin to love themselves. Universal Medicine has taught me what it is to be a true woman and how to fill the gap from emptiness to true love and self worth, and knowing that I am a woman of choice too, fills me with empowerment. Thank you Anonymous for your sharing.
Gorgeous response Sandra which I relate to entirely, I also was a ‘ runner’ and chose relationships that were not too confronting and I also craved a tender touch and love. But I take responsibility for what I created in not claiming my self worth and having a loving relationship with me first.
How empowering â a woman who knows she has choice? Anonymous, it is lovely to read how you have come to know love and see what is not love and that you are not a victim but that you are responsible for whatever comes to you. It is true that women and men both use each other to fill an emptiness inside and while we are looking outside for love we will continue to avoid connecting to the love within.
What I appreciate as I read this blog was that when we say yes to accepting less than love, it offers no evolution for ourselves or the other person, and in fact keeps both parties in the pattern of old behaviours that often simply confirm our lack of self worth. When we say no to accepting less than love, and regardless of the subsequent choice of the other, we offer a point in evolution where we can arrest these old momentums and patterns which support us all in returning to the love we naturally are.
Yes Angela I feel the same, thanks for highlighting this. It seems to me this is the biggest responsibility in any relationship.
This blog is important in that it calls out men and women alike to assume responsibility regarding how we play out and use others and ourselves driven by emptiness. The culture of seeking easy sex now with all the glamour associated with it, that is so frequent in our days, is the result of a pretty dark state of being that people create for themselves. The real image is not near the glamour of a new conquest every now and then. Assuming responsibility opens up the possibility of choosing something different.
“….now that I know otherwise it is up to me to live this. I am, a woman with a choice.” great sharing Anon. We are all women (and men) with choice. Isn’t it crazy that for some of us this has been less than obvious for much of our lives? How great we can now reclaim this.
I was drawn to your blog again this morning anonymous because the title is very powerful – A Woman With Choice. Those 4 words really speak loudly to me and bring a smile to my face, because I now know myself to be a woman with choice. A woman who has taken charge of her life and it feels great compared to how I used to live.
Yes Debra, life is very different these days and how great we have the understanding and wisdom to make such loving choices…
Dear Anomymous I have caught myself lately saying “âYeah thisâll do” when in fact it is not quite the way I would like things to be. This simple phrase says a lot about my giving my power away in all sort of areas. For the sake of not rocking the boat, to make it easy for someone else, to not appear difficult but easy going and the list goes on. The truth is I’m giving up on myself when I agree that ‘it will do’. I am not talking about seeking perfection but a better fit for who I am, what is important to me, the respect I owe to myself. By giving up so easily I deprived others of my wholeness . So next time my speech or my actions will tend to go the way of “this will do” I will stop and reconsider.
That feels so lovely Patricia, I find myself saying at the end of a sentence ‘oh anyway you know’ so dismissive of my willingness to complete my expression. It’s a bit like caving in to the commitment to complete, a bit of giving up. Interesting when we observe even a couple of repeated words they can reveal so much.. If I was to look at the impact of this energy in my life it’s no different to giving up on my full commitment to myself
“Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.”
I second this Anonymous.
Great blog Anonymous, bringing truth to a subject which is much needed . I love the way you have claimed your power back and taken responsibility for your choices re sex. In doing so you are not only honouring and claiming yourself as a woman of divine love, but also considering the partner.
“I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.”
Takiing responsibility for our actions after honestly observing what we are really up to will lead to choices that not only honour ourselves and our bodies, but also everyone else.
To see through your own game gives you the choice to stop and become aware of what it is actually doing to yourself and the other who is involved. You choosing to love yourself and from there make the choice to not hurt others by your behaviour and emotions is true inspiration.
Annelies the games we play… If only they were just that; games! But we have had no idea of the impact of our ignorance of our participation in the game of life. Now with eyes wide open we are the result of our own choices and in a position to choose love first which is very inspiring.
This is so beautiful as I can also hear in this that I do not want to hurt me”. The moment that we reach that point in our awareness that we no longer want to hurt ourselves is a moment to be truly celebrated.
Worth celebrating for sure Elizabeth, for this is the first step in loving others and once we know we are love then we cannot hurt ourselves nor another.
I used to make similar choices to you that stemmed from my lack of self worth. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of true love, therefore I would give myself away so easily. Having spent the last 6 years being single I have deepened my sense of appreciation and love for myself and would now not choose the same type of behaviour. I am worthy of so much more, and I now value myself enough to bring the whole of myself to a relationship and make love more important than anything else. I am feeling more and more claimed in this and it feels absolutely awesome.
What I like about this blog is that it exposes the fact that we often give in to another’s needs believing that we are making things easier but in fact if it is not based on true love then really we are abusing ourselves and the other person.
Anonymous, not only are you a woman of choice, but you are now a woman with a voice! Your blog is super supportive for any woman, whatever age, to realise that they DO have a choice. We don’t have to be a victim of our choices, or make our ‘issues’ excuses for not loving ourselves more (something that I have done in the past). The more we love ourselves the more we choose the make loving choices for ourselves because we begin to value ourselves more, and this is super important for building relationship with ourselves as women, because we’re soooo worth it!
Today I was looking for something interesting to read when the title of this blog ‘A Woman with Choice’ stopped me in my tracks. I have not re-read the story or scrolled through the comments I was just instantly inspired by the title to commit today to consciously exercising my free-will by choosing how I move, what I eat, how I breathe and every word i utter, where I go and what I do with full attention to what I feel is true and loving for me and others. I shall be a true Woman with Choice today and I say this as a testament to the powerful of your words and livingness.
How ignorant for the truth to say ; weâre not really worth real love anyway so letâs get it on and get it over withâ. We do have always a choice for a different way, and this is what we have now as our new foundation. Thanks for sharing anonymous.
“I am actually feeling myself take another personâs feelings into consideration” This is actually a huge thing. How many of us truly take someone else’s feelings into consideration in situations where we want something or have an investment in something or need something. We are masters at manipulation to get what we want, all the while not considering how the other person might be feeling. Understandably it all stems from unresolved hurts which when healed can enable us to live in a way that truly considers others and does not come from need. Well worth the time to take a look at our hurts and start to heal them.
Sex is readily accepted as an act that takes places between consenting adults when they are in a relationship as well as with people they are not in a relationship with but wish to participate in this activity anyway. Very rarely do people voice the possibility that sex might not be honouring the people involved. Everyone feels it when they have allowed themselves to be dishonoured like this while equally dishonouring another yet it is rarely spoken about.
There is a much greater quality and integrity that can be brought to the act of sex, but it is important to give voice to the way in which this act can be untrue in order to discern and choose this in its true guise.
‘Very rarely do people voice the possibility that sex might not be honouring the people involved.’ True, is it something to discuss with glee, pride or shame, but never in doubt that it is ‘just what happens’. Making love with a partner who truly celebrates and honours all of who you are is a whole different feeling.
Very important topic. It seems wise to question how honouring sex really is for people. What is the level of intimacy and love during and after the act? Beautiful to feel into this and experiment. We are worthy of receiving love and nothing but love.
“I have seen that as much as I have played victim in this, I in fact have been using another, as well as myself.” This is such a powerful realisation, for as soon as we accept that we empower ourselves and regain our freedom because we have regained the freedom to choose.
This is how precious and supportive building a foundation of self care and self love and truly be “I also love that this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all others.” We learn to practice how to reconnect with ourselves, learn to care and support ourselves and this ripples out into the lives of others but also reflects to us what our truth is.
“Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.” Has ever anyone expressed the way we truly are, responsible in every way for the self and the others??? Anonymous: you are awesome!
Agreed gorgeous Christina, this should be the mission statement on every school and business wall, what a world it would be if we all lived this level of responsibility.
Anonymous, what you share is powerful: women taking responsibility for the part they play in intimate relationships with men. Whenever women are this way they re-imprint the quality of relationships with men. Continuing to dishonour our bodies harms both parties: participating in a sex is not making love. Saying Yes when we mean No is unhelpful for men on the receiving end of mixed messages. As you say âfrom an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all othersâ women can begin to give men the respect they are due.
Yes Kehinde2012, it’s true that women often give men ‘mixed messages’ because they are afraid to be honest about how they truly feel in case they lose even the semblance of love, and if the men were honest they don’t really want empty sex either. If one partner takes responsibility it helps the other to be honest about what is happening for them.
Woman are also scared they will be on their own if the say no, hence why many woman and men maybe also ( I am not a man so I cannot speak for them) stay together rather than be honest and say hey this relationship, or even an arrangement you could call it, isn’t t working. It doesn’t necessarily mean everyone has to break up, some maybe but for others it may just be an opportunity to go more deeper and be real about how they are truly feeling, and work together on bringing true love to the relationship.
I am so with you on this one and support you all the way. Being absolutely all that we can be in relationship, continually opening to more love and truth.
I do not remember ever deciding that I did not want to have sex but I do clearly remember losing interest in it some years ago. I just did not want to go there any more as it felt so fake with no true intimacy or connection to the other person. Making love on the other hand is amazing – the physical expression of love between two people already with a foundation of loving choices in their lives expressed to each other in true physical intimacy.
This feels awesome to hear from a man, thanks for sharing so openly.
Thank you for sharing Michael. I have met a few men that have expressed similarly about sex and making love recently and it has always brought me to a stop. I have been used to being able to use sex to wield some form of control over men in a fairly covert way. When men say no to this it allows me to feel this and change my ways.
Absolutely gorgeous. Simple and lovingly expressed, you are a woman with a choice. This is so inspiring for women of all ages to read, from the young lady for whom sex is only just becoming a possibility to the long married woman who has not yet claimed the full responsibility for her choices. An awesome sharing, thank you.
I loved reading your blog again. Sometimes it may seem that we don’t have a choice, but we do. We always have a choice, every day, every moment. Thank you for the timeless reminder.
‘No longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.’ Thank you for your words of inspiration Anonymous.
“I love that I can now see this and not be in continual reaction to my old behaviours, which involved beating myself up for doing what I knew wasnât good for me, then losing myself in a myriad of confusion and emotions⊠what a spiral”.
Yes what a spiral but I just love the fact that you learnt from these experiences and can now live from a different loving and tender space. How gorgeous, so much to appreciate and confirm in yourself. Your blog is very inspirational Anonymous, thank you.
Thank you anonymous for sharing such a powerful blog. It in incredible how we are given opportunities to look at situations that we want to change in our lives that have been driven by our ideals and beliefs. I have recently been put into a situations where I could feel the urge to run and not confront head on the behaviours that I have chosen time and time again. By surrendering and feeling truly what was going on I was able to find clarity and break an old habit. A great feeling and well worth it.
Dear Woman with Choice there is so much I love about what you have written here. Such claiming of responsibility and how everyone of our choices impacts on another. This line has me grinning from ear to ear, “I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.” Thank you for sharing your unfolding with us, it is deeply supportive for all.
Dear Laura, I just wanted to say the same – interesting, because it resonated very much:
I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.
Simple divine!
Saying âYesâ when we mean âNoâ to sex is not something that happens in that moment. The energy of disregard and lack of self is already built in the body. In other words, the choice has already been made even before you meet x or y. When we consistently build love in the body, we are choosing to say No to abuse and placing ourselves in potentially compromising situations.
Dear Anonymous it is such a great joy to read how you have claimed the precious woman you are and it is very inspirational too.
A woman with choice and a woman who has claimed her body for the sacred vessel that it and from where she can express the love that she is. Thank you Anonymous for claiming this and sharing with us all.
By saying ‘no’ to less than love, you are saying to yourself, your partner and everyone else, we are worth the real deal, true love, and nothing less. Thank you.
I agree Matilda, the more people who step up and claim nothing less than love, the higher our standards will become and so much in society will change for the better
I found it gave me a lot to ponder reading your blog. There has been so much controversy lately with songs like ‘blurred lines’, which questioned if a woman saying no she actually means it. It seems ridiculous that this could even be questioned, but it highlights for me the lack of respect men and women have for themselves and each other. Your comment that many times in your life you have said no to sex, then ended up having it, suggests that although women know they don’t want to have sex, there are other factors going on within them that erode this conviction. Lack of self-worth is the big one that jumps out straight away for me. As you have discovered, once you have the solid respect and love within yourself, no means no, and there is no room for compromising or harming yourself or anyone else.
I agree Fiona. Once we start to build our own self-love through simple self-care and self-nurturing it becomes completely foreign to give our bodies away in a manner that isn’t loving. We start to connect very quickly to the knowing that we and our bodies are really precious. Why would we choose to be held in anything less than this precious love we have chosen for ourselves?
Absolutely Fiona – and could it be that a lot of women (and men) give their bodies away in exchange for a moment of intimacy? Thinking that intimacy is the touch, the naked bodies and the ‘whole package’? When in fact there is not an ounce of intimacy, in the true sense of the word.
Yes Eva, it can be very confusing and misleading. I wonder if it starts with young people trying to find confirmation that they are worthy in all the wrong places. Both men and women just want to be loved but are often settling for the kind of intimacy and fulfilment that really isnât love.
I love this article Anonymous, Self responsibility as left you bursting with lasting love, I am so glad you shared this: âThis is so beautiful as I can also hear in this that I do not want to hurt me. I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.â
When reading your blog anon it reminded me of how I would flirt with men and lead them on to get the attention I so craved. I would be giving out the message that I wanted to have sex with them when all I wanted was to be loved and cared for and when it came to the actual sex act itself I would say no. The game I played was disempowering and disregarding for myself and the man.
I agree Mary-Louise it is disempowering and disregarding to both parties but what youâve shared helps to bring understanding as to why women play this game and by understanding the behaviour women are then empowered to take responsibility and stop it if they so choose by realising that they need to be that love for themselves first and not look outside of themselves to receive it from another.
Uh, I do remember this game, too. I do apologise to the men I had used that way. I would not allow this to happen anymore because I am more aware of what I want and don’t want. The responsibility I take is fare greater for my own love to cherish and treasure so no need for attention from men. I can meet men without putting out a need and expectations now, what feels so light and it gives space for true relationships with a man.
Mary-Louise you have reminded me how I used to flirt, I thought it was the way, I was wanting to be noticed and accepted and loved but as you say giving out a message that was far from loving. I can feel the deep neediness in that and how all it did was broadcast how desperate I was and how much less I would accept. I also would say no, when it came to actual sex, I was a ‘nice’ girl and wouldn’t go that far. What horrible mixed messages I was giving out but also building in greater confusion in myself. How confusing and disregarding of all concerned.
Thank you Anon. Isn’t it so liberating when we stop reacting to our old behaviour and instead see them for what they are and go about changing them. Your honesty supports us all to look at our own patterns that are abusive towards ourselves and others.
Beautiful honest blog sharing so much that is very relevant to our lives and how we live them. Thank you for sharing this and the love I can feel in my body from reading it and the true honouring and choices we can make about how we live and our intention and connection to ourselves and our bodies lovingly so.
Thank you Anon, for writing and sharing your experience; this is amazing, and shows us all that there is never a right time to judge anybody for their behaviours; in the end it is clear to me that we all are love and crave that love; but for far too long, many, like you and me, have forgotten how to give that love to ourselves and we think we can get it from somebody else. But when we don’t hold ourselves in fullness, we cannot truly connect with another’s fullness either. And then sex seems to be the ‘next best thing’. It’s so freeing to debunk the lie that sex is so important. In truth, we all want the love, and not the sex, but again for far to long, many have settled for the lesser, as it fits with our instant fix mentality we have fostered, and the lack of willingness to take full responsibility for ourselves.
Thank you Anonymous, I value your honesty here. I played this game myself for years. It felt liberating to call myself on it and it feels further liberating to have true intimacy in relationships, not the manipulations we have of ourselves and others
Like you Anonymous, I feel each and everyone of us has a deep caring for everyone if we only choose to connect to it, and from this place of caring there is only love, so the connection with another person is love making whether it be physical or not.
I have really enjoyed this development of my understanding of making love. It is the every interaction between two people in a day that is then simply confirmed by the physical intimacy they may share later on. It is a sweet expression not a desperate need.
Beautifully expressed Matilda.
Matilda, and Kevin, I love how you have both expanded on connection and making love here, a totally different feel and application to the phrase ‘making love’. It feels more real and true than the emptiness we experience when involved in ‘having sex’.
Connecting with another person is making love, that is beautiful and no physical body is needed. I can feel the love with your caring, Kevin.
In our society not only have we been able to play games with each other relating to how we have sex but also we have been able to devalue the physical intimacy between us in some cases to such an extent that we have given it a new name in urban slang – ‘junk sex’ just as in ‘junk food’. A quick fix without anything good in it and likely to be harmful to all parties.
“Junk sex”, no different to junk food, that says it all Michael. Why would we settle for anything less than a truly nourishing meal?
“it was as though a light shone on this entire aspect of my life”. Stunning, absolutely stunning to see how one true choice immediately heals all the false choices made previously. So beautiful and such huge appreciation for you.
Even though at times it may not seem so, and circumstances are strong, we always have a choice, in every moment and time and time again. I remember thinking that because I had chosen a certain way that was just how it had to be. It was a feeling of giving up and giving my power to the circumstances. But I now understand that I can make a new and different choice in literally every moment. No matter where I have been, come from or how engrained a pattern is.
Dear Carolien, what a beautiful point you make here. I can totally relate to that; because I had not valued myself once, I had then felt I was being fake when I then was trying to value myself and say no, feeling because I had not done that before, I had now lost this forever and it didn’t matter now what I did from there on. This is a true giving up – on ourselves and others. Everything matters, we matter, every moment matters, and we always can come to a point to make a different choice. The new more loving choice re-imprints the previous not-so-loving choice, and gives a new platform from where to grow and even deepen that choice to self-respect, self-honour, appreciate and deeply love ourselves.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful blog. Isn’t it wonderful when we realise we have choices ! Life changing !
To have choices and which consequence each choice has I am learning more and more. How much the choice is dependant from moods or emotional state of being or how much it is still influenced from ideals and beliefs, also how much it is often taken to still please people or meet expectations is a constant observation.
Thank you Anonymous for your honest blog on how as a woman you have used your body to manipulate and get what you need (attention or a moment of feeling accepted or ‘good enough’) while playing the victim and blaming men for using you. It is insidious how we have set up this game together, both men and women, where we have this agreement where we will avoid true intimacy and fragility amongst each other and have made it an identification as ‘this is the way it is” We all play the game until we get to a point where we feel the love we are and the abuse of this game becomes obvious.
What a delightful turnaround from being caught in the sexual games often played between people, to deeply honouring yourself and realising those games hurt yourself as well as the other person and making an empowered choice. “I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are … it is up to me to live this. I am, a woman with a choice.” And what a gorgeous and inspiring reflection.
A women with a choice – This is a great title that truly serves. How many times have we as women wanted something so much, as to regard ourselves for the high level of love that we know is possible, to then shy away and make decisions and choices that do not match up to this level of love.
Your blog is inspiring and something that I feel every women could relate to. Your leaving paragraphs nearly brought me to tears as I feel the level of love in your words and I too feel the honour that has been restored in yourself and women in general.
I agree Natasha. Reminding women they do have a choice is very important. We can sometimes feel trapped in the games we have created and forget there is a much more loving, respectful way to be in relationships. Saying no to unloving sex is actually saying yes to so much more – self-worth, real intimacy and love in our life. This is to be celebrated!
Sex has always been a game with two players and yet each player is loaded with their own wants and needs to get from the interaction. As a man I have often felt pressurised to perform and not wanting to feel ridicule or simply just happy to get through and do the job. Simply feeling what you have written we get a sense of Love being the leading light in each and every interaction and this is the foundation for all things.
Thank you for your comment Lee as it breaks the idea that many women have that men are all about sex. Whereas men are just as tender and vulnerable as women are, and if both are coming together in their true expression sex is replaced with love making.
I agree Carolien, it is great to have a man express that they too have pressures around sex and performing and really are seeking the same as the woman, to love, be loved and to be able to express lovingly. Going from sex to making love is profoundly healing for both men and women.
Performance was always the key focus for me…huge pressure, and I could feel the same for the men too. If we choose love making there is no agenda, no comparison, no competition only the sweet true expression between two people confirmed in the physical.
Matilda, I love what you say here – I too can very much relate to the performance and the feeling of having to deliver something. My feeling is that this would be a huge pitfall for both men and women.
I am a woman with choice. This I didnât feel was true earlier in my life, as I wasnât ready to take responsibility for my own life and the choices I was making. I wanted the outside world to fix and sort things for me, leaving me constantly feeling powerless. Knowing that I am a woman with choice, has turned my life around, and choosing to be so much more responsible is the most self loving choice that I have ever made for myself.
I love the strength of a woman who has claimed herself and will in no way accept anything but love. This love is shared with all whether there is a relationship or not, it is beautiful and powerful. It is also great that you can look back on your life and see the games you were playing clearly, but without self-judgment, this I feel is the key to healing them from your life forever.
So true Bernard. A women who has claimed herself offers the opportunity for everyone, men and women to do the same for themselves and accept nothing less than the love they know themselves to be. It feels like the more women claim this, the more we will see this ripple effect create a new norm. With our divorce rates are currently one in two, it seems something fundamental needs to change..
Bernard this is beautiful and I deeply appreciate you for sharing and confirming the true power of a claimed woman is something to bee enjoyed and expected by all.
Oh my dear God, this really touched me deeply. I am touched by the sensitivity, openness and honesty by you anonymous, you really let me feel how much we are love, and how much we are worth it to feel that – express that all of the time. ” I am made to make love.” Of course! This just makes so much sense, this is actually our one and only truth.
Yes. “I am made to make love”. What an amazing expression to carry in our bodies…and in to our beds!
Love it Otto. PS why just our beds đ
Love this….’Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.’
Anonymous, thank you for your blog, I could relate to much of what you expressed as I feel many women could, I feel this line from your blog relates equally to both men and women and in truth to all our relationships. â I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise.â
Thank you Rosemary for bringing this specific topic of the blog to the fore. As I am a man I can confirm that this relates to me too. I have been using sex to fill the emptiness in me as well and I can remember the sadness that sometimes came up when I was connecting to this emptiness and actually realised that I was missing something, the something I do now know has been the love that already lives within but I was in desperation looking outside me for.
‘I am, a woman with a choice.’ I love this line, we all have a choice how we treat another person, whether we use them for our own needs or absolutely love them. How empowering to know that this is OUR choice, and we always always have this choice.
Lately I have been able to feel that the way men choose to be with men in relationships is a direct reflection of how I am with myself. If I am willing to settle for less than love or even abuse then this is what I will receive. The second I choose love everything changes. I am no longer hooked or waiting for the next moment with a man to fill me up and there are no more games.
That is so true anonymous; our relationship with ourselves permeates our every interaction. How can we expect others to respect us if we do not respect ourselves? There is no limit to the amount of love we can bring into our lives with love for self equals love for humanity.
well said Bernard, what we do not allow for ourselves cannot come to us. When we believe we are less then worthy how could we ever accept someone who loves us in full? We emanate what we feel we are worth and attract exactly that into our lives.
I agree Bernard and carolien, this is a very important message for us all; if we cannot bring love and appreciation to ourselves, if we do not value ourselves, these expressions will not be able to come to us from anybody else, as whatever we emanate, is what will come back to us. If we feel we are not worth much, then that’s what will be reflected to us constantly; until we change that and start to realise that this is not true. It makes total sense that we are all equals, and that we all need to take responsibility to live that equalness.
I can feel from this blog it is not about getting it right, but about choosing to be love in all that we do.
I have had a reaction to having sex for most of my life, always being very sensitive in relation to it, though also seeing it as something that would be very special and something I thought about a lot. To me it most felt as a unclean thing to do and felt guilty for even thinking about it. I can feel that it is not about that and even though it is great to feel that ideal its there it is not the truth as having sex actually has nothing to do with making love, it is a world of a difference. If I make my life about love the way I will be with making love will be loving too, that is great to feel and choose.
Living knowing we are love is such a simple way of looking at life and how all our lives can be full and complete. Perhaps because it is so simple and goes to the truth of who we are, it is also very exposing of every little choice made as well as big ones. It is not a choice of just cruising through life, looking at it with love coloured glasses. It uproots all kinds of attitudes, as shared here by anonymous. Being prepared to be exposed for what is not love in our lives, takes commitment, courage and honesty in asking for support when necessary so we can surrender back to love as the only true choice. So, simple, but very challenging.
I agree Simon, surrendering back to love is the only true choice and it absolutely can be challenging. It puts under the spotlight all the choices we have made and in this comes huge self responsibility. Once we decide to make loving choices our way of life, it does ease the momentum of our past and allows us to live our future now, one that is full of loving choices and loving relationships.
‘ I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise.’ a great point Anonymous, one to ponder on with all our relationships – friends and family. How we can use attention, conversation , interactions with another to fill a void that we are avoiding, and not deepening or surrendering to the great Love that we have inside all along.
Totally true Jenny, we not only use men to fill our emptiness but any family member or friend or things such as food or tv shows, there is such a wide choice and variety of what we can choose to fill the hole we feel when we don’t feel full of ourself. It’s a great reminder that even in those moments where we feel empty and look to fill that, we can instead make a choice that begins to take us back to our relationship with ourselves.
These beautiful responses clearly state that we are all one and the same. Each one of us is seeking absolute love in all its glorious truth and power, and looking for those reflections from the outside world to know ourselves back by, and our own beautiful love is ground zero, where it all begins. When we claim this and live this in full, having sex can never be an option because our respect for ourselves and another is one and the same.
Well said Julie and thankyou anonymous for an awesome blog
I could really feel the love and the honoring of you in this blog, it was delightful to read.
In this blog there is the lovely liberation of a woman in to her own power of making choices, without the need for an aggressive stance, and in fact I love that she in being so open and welcoming of men, not rejecting or blaming of them. This is unique and just goes to show how when love is brought in to any situation, every person is treated with dignity.
Agree, no victims in this situation here â we do have a choice and it is up to each and everyone of us to either make that choice or have it made for us by virtue of the fact of not having made the choice.
Absolutely Gabriele and Michelle, we will all come to the same understanding in the end, but how that understanding comes about is totally up to us and our choices.
Your honesty with how the emptiness would determine how you chose to be treated and treat is very relatable. When you share coming to another level of awareness and different choices, feels like breaking into sunshine after the fog has lifted.
Thank you for the loving light that your sharing reflects.
We are designed to make LOVE in many different ways (excuse the pun). Every action creates a possibility to either develop love or develop something else. The path to living with and making this love is through self love and a full commitment to a nurturing loving relationship with yourself. As a man you are fed and sold ideals that put sex up as the cherry on the cake and there is nothing after that. However when I experienced Love, I discovered that there is an exquisite life way beyond sex. I can live with making this love everyday.
Thank you Anon, When we make all about love, with love, this changes everything as we then get to feel we are love and will not settle for anything less
I so agree with you Kathleen – settling for anything less than love just makes no sense at all anymore, and this choice is so clear when we are truly feeling we are love, love ourselves as well as others; and then the reflection is easy to feel – is it love or something else…
It is so beautiful to live a life of love and to celebrate this way of living in making love together. To me although this is still something I have to learn in full as the experiences of the past where I had sex to fill up my hurts instead are still with me and need my tender attention. The hurts I have build up in life that are related with having sex for relief are of that a delicate origins as I was seeking a place for intimacy and acceptance for who I truly was while I was rejecting this myself in the first place.
A great honouring of yourself and other women and our natural knowing inside when connected to the love we all are.
Making love versus having sex comes from a totally different way of being and the difference is vast, and the truth is now inside us all. An inspirational sharing .
‘I love that I can now see this and not be in continual reaction to my old behaviours, which involved beating myself up for doing what I knew wasnât good for me, then losing myself in a myriad of confusion and emotions⊠what a spiral.’ I love this sentence. We are truly loving ourselves when we stop all the beating ourselves up for our past choices and instead celebrate that we can now see situations clearly and from there make different choices.
I can see how this behaviour has played out in my life, “I can feel that in doing what I have always done, I am saying to myself and the other person: âYeah thisâll do, weâre not really worth real love anyway so letâs get it on and get it over withâ.” It is the “this’ll do” approach that had me treating myself and life like it didn’t really matter. I have begun to take care of all areas of life and I am more aware of the details and natural order to life. Honouring this has supported me to develop my self worth. If we observe where a ‘this’ll do’ attitude gets us we can appreciate how an approach of “lets live with care, truth, grace and love” can alter our experience of life incredibly.
Love is the glue that holds everything together. It knows who it is, it knows its power, it knows it is absolute, we just need to trust all of that and allow it, as we are that.
âThus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way….the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly areâ. This shows how our choices to be self-loving can make the way that we relate to others much more loving also.
Yes and taking full responsibility for all our interactions is the result of this awesome statement.
I love the claiming in your blog- what a deep healing for yourself and all the men/ women you gonna meet in future!
Steffi I also love that in claiming herself through this blog Anonymous is sharing her healing with everyone of us, and each and everyone that heals through reading and pondering on this blog shares it with every one that comes into their life and on it goes until everyone feels the truth of what has been expressed.
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to feel that I have had a choice in the way I have used sex Anonymous. There have been many times where I have had sex when I did not truly want to. It is easy to place the blame for these experiences on the men I was with, however, I can now see that I was making a choice to have sex in order to obtain control, relief, acceptance or love (or what I thought love was at the time). I now know that I never want to have sex again, this is a work in progress and there is still much to heal. My healing starts with the truth that my body only truly wants to make love (in every sense).
Very powerful blog. Thank You for sharing.
How gentle you describe this process! Such is the healing that occurs with the Universal Medicine healing modalities, no lightning and thunder, but resilient changes out of self-responsibility.
Yes so true Felix – self-responsibility in all aspects helps us so much to find the way back to our selves, very healing indeed, and there to stay once things have healed.
This is powerful to declare that we are love as this then makes us feel how we hurt ourselves when we allow what isn’t love. “…I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.”
What is really beautiful is the intimacy that can be shared between two people, without any sexual attraction, but just an openness in being with each other. There is no filtering of one’s expression that they can’t say this or that in case the other gets the wrong idea.
Thank you Woman with a choice – great real blog! The craziness of the detail we goto to have sex. Once upon time this is ALL I thought about – add drugs, alcohol, a fit looking body, a handsome face, music, happy-partier, and an environment to feed this and you have a good chance to make it happen. My issue was it never felt right and that’s why I would get wasted to not consciously feel what I was doing, and the ‘cool and hot’ crew were been recognized for doing it so that suited me at the time.
Sex is a crazy thought provoking need and as a man you will go to any lengths (pun intended) to relieve that empty thought-driven ideals.
FYI making Love is more special each time, and a deep connection where you are ‘crazed’ by the feeling within your whole body (not your head) with another who is intimately with you all the way!!
Somewhere within you, you recognised something was not ok in the way that you were living. I love that you have taken responsibility to change your life and to know that you are worth more than the abusive relationships you have had in the past. There are so many women ‘out there’ who would benefit from this blog; women who may not have started the journey of self care as yet. Women are beautiful, sexy, precious and sacred – now that you recognised the love within yourself, you will magnetically pull THAT towards you.
Beautiful blog about honoring ourselves and our bodies. I can relate to having turned a blind eye to what was really true for me, just to have my ‘fix’. It’s just like a drug addiction. Thank you for sharing your inspiring journey back to yourself.
‘I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’ Thank you this is such a beautiful confirmation of the fact that we are all love which I will take with me into my day to support me in living lovingly.
Thank you Anonymous for your candid sharing, making love does not have a start or finish it is a way of being that is lived, we can choose to live this in all we do and with all the different types of relationships we have whether it be a sexual relationship with our partner or our relationship with a friend or the casual relationship we have with someone in passing, the quality we meet them in and talk to them and move to pass something to them is an act of love when we are aligned with and connected to the divine which we all are in our essence.
This is the kind of honesty and conversations that need to happen between women and men, to begin to dismantle the strongly held beliefs and patterns we have around having sex and making love, as women are using men and men are using women, and both partyâs are missing out on true connection and intimacy.
Yes, to have these kind of open conversations between men and women would go a very long way to resolving the antagonism and stop the blaming game as well as lead to true equality, deep respect and true love.
Well said Thomas and very sad how it has been and still is largely in our society. I so agree – this conversation needs to be out in the world for men and women to start talking and sharing and healing with each other.
Yes thats true Thomas and with that we put away all dramas around this held beliefs and patterns and can instead chose more playfulness and lightness or shall I write more intimacy and true connection.
It is with deep honor and appreciation I thank you for one of the most honest and truthful sharingâs I have heard from a woman in regard to the games both men and women play in regard to sex. This frees us men from the expectations and roles we feel we need to play and fulfill being a man, which is not honoring of the tender deeply feeling and sensitive men we are.
What you have shown here and claimed, is the great power that is love.
What you have also shown here and exposed is just how shallow sex is.
The pervasiveness of sex in our lives, and how callously it is used by both genders to fulfil that bottomless emptiness so many feel, is not the fault of any one side or individual. Where we have ended up has been our choice. But have we even understood that we have been making a choice? Do we know that there is even a choice to be made? Often we do not, and we assume that this is just how life is. This is how people relate to one another. This is just what we have to settle for, trying to fill the emptiness.
But the truth is that there is so much more to us, so much more to experience. There is a fullness that is who we truthfully are, and is ours to claim when we so choose. To make love, truly MAKE love, is when that fullness meets itself in another, and it is confirmed in itself. Thereby it expands a bit more.
What you share Anon shows me that although we may make a claim like “I don’t want to have sex” or “I don’t want to eat ….” anymore, it doesn’t work in and of itself which is why we can so easily return to accept abusing ourselves. This is huge and totally exposes that affirmations and projected phrases from our minds don’t work if we are not living (without perfection) in a way that builds a loving foundation in our bodies. It’s our bodies that have to express the Yes to the choices we are making and in that way nothing can coerce us, even our own thoughts.
On re-reading this blog I found myself considering how much of a contrast there is when we start to realise that self love is the key to all relationships as opposed to the opposite where we create a lot of misery for ourselves, often without even realising that how we are feeling is the consequences of our actions. It just highlights to me how much humanity has gotten off course with its ways of relating to ourselves and each other.
Thank you for sharing. How important it is for us to take responsibility in our relationship. I too had got caught in the past for being the victim, but reflecting back I used men to fill an emptiness.. There is definitely a big difference between sex and love making. Love making is built on being love, feeling love and building a relationship on love. It is about taking that love to go deeper together
It is so important to value ourselves and others as the true treasures of love that we are. This then naturally flows into making love with a partner rather than just having sex. It is easy to get swept up with the world and to take this relationship for granted, so it is really important to have the time not only to nurture ourselves but to nurture and appreciate our partner and our relationship.
Love that: “I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.” Yes we are!!!! We are worth to be honored. From our selves first. My self worth is something that nobody can take from me, because it is what I am – not what I do. But it can be ignored, avoided, denied and trampled all over…the moment I choose to feel my self worth again and to honor me is the moment I choose to come back. ‘I am made to make love’ – nothing less will be accepted anymore.
This great blog got me reflecting more deeply on the fact that I had used men to fill my emptiness also – which is totally irresponsible and a dishonouring of the other person as well as myself. When out with friends, my whole focus was on getting men to find me attractive and to pursue me. I would pretend that I wasnât interested but it gave me the âhitâ that I was desperately seeking to tell me that I was worthwhile, that I meant something – that I was wanted. It didnât go through my mind this way – it was more like I felt uneasy, and then when I got recognition from a male, that tension went away – for a little while, it was always back and it was always wanting more. Having sex was the end point – I wasnât that interested in foreplay because it was the act of sex that told me that the man wanted me and my body the most – I was always left very empty and wanting more.. For the man this was felt as needy, and for me the man became my focus throughout the day âwhen would he call me? what was he doing that night?â.. This was a very disregarding and dishonouring cycle for both myself and the other person. From working on my own self-care and self-love I can see now that all of this behaviour came from me not valuing myself and not connecting to my inner-heart. As a result, I wanting others and life to fill the emptiness that resulted through my own lack of value and connection to myself. Now in relationships, I bring me – and offer my value and quality, rather than being âon the takeâ so to speak. Relationships now for me are a joy-full confirmation of who I am and what I have to offer, as well as an expansion and evolution as the reflection of the other person or people supports me to feel more and grow.. worldâs apart from those old night-club days..
‘Now in relationships, I bring me â and offer my value and quality, rather than being âon the takeâ so to speak.’ Beautiful turnaround Sarah which I can really relate to having been so needy in the past – it was all about what I was going to get out of a relationship even when I appeared to be ‘helping’ someone else it was all done for recognition.
I can relate to ‘needing’ men and being in relationships and still feeling unsatisfied. Needing, and demanding what we think is acknowledgement or what we call ‘love’ from another to bolster up who we are does not work, I know, I still felt empty in these situations. Love built within ourselves, well that is another matter entirely, we feel full, the need and demands are let go off and we can begin to have true relationships.
Awesome anon. I too have had this experience, of using my body in this way. It feels terrible. For so long I thought I was being used. Then realised also that I was using another. Not something that everyone wants to admit.
“…what strikes me here is that we cannot be the victims and that we always have a choice and our part we play” So so true Amina and and it is a truth I refused to acknowledged for a long while, always preferring to blame and feel helpless. It is only through Universal medicine presentations and learning to take responsibility for everything in my life have I dropped the victim mentality. Taking responsibility is a choice and a choice that ultimately sets us all free.
wow, that feeling of love, surrendering to love, having compassion, and being who we really are at our core makes so much sense, but I know that I chose hardness, and irresponsibility at times.
Love is truly amazing to expand and share upon with yourself and another.
Thank you anonymous for your open and honest sharing here. There is much I can relate to and these words in particular “…but in fact, I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise.”. I always used to blame my partners for not delivering to my expectations (cringe!) and so of course relationships never lasted. It seems so obvious now that it was coming from a lack of love for myself and low self worth.
I can absolutely relate having in the past used relationships with women to try to fill the emptiness and lack of connection with myself I felt, which never worked and I became frustrated, blaming the other person for my lack of feeling fulfilled.
I agree Susan – there is indeed great inspiration in this blog and a call for men and women alike to not settle for anything less than love or to withstand using each other for fulfillment of any kind. This blog is saying no to everything that is abuse in the world, in all degrees, particularly the subtle parts that go as ‘socially acceptable’ or ‘normal’ in the eyes of humanity.
This blog is so rich with empowerment and true justice for humanity. I can’t help but image if we all made this choice to no longer burden others with our wants, needs, hurts and protections – what a totally different world it would be! A feeling of absolute responsibility has been invoked after reading this Anonymous – thank you.
Spot on Rachael, I felt the same depth of responsibility. This blog is on fire and calling all who read to ignite theirs.
This world would be so different without the neediness and substitutes for love with having sex. It is sad to see that
the sexual activity of kids is starting very early in this modern times, too.
Ok – I’m going to get real intimate for a moment.
I had a gorgeous day with my partner yesterday where the love making did not stop, and after the physical act of this love I cried. I felt joy and sadness all at once. The feeling was that, if this is what it feels like to actually make love then what on earth have I been doing with the other suitors in the past? I was allowing myself to be used up until this point, even with partners I actually had feelings for, but there was still this underlying need to be filled. I remember not wanting to have sex with most of the time and made myself do it for the touch and intimacy of it. It feels so special and heavenly to be understanding and making love with myself first then sharing that with another instead of needing it from another. Without perfection, I am learning.
âI also love that this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all othersâ. I love this line, it shows the simplicity we can live in if we choose love for self and others. When we choose love itâs an unfoldment from within rather than a push to fix something that is wrong, complex and full of emotion.
I love how you seen by saying yes, you had dishonored the other person involved as well, and how buy by doing this your was saying that it will do for both of you. I found this incredible to feel, we hold another less if we make a choice that doesnât choose love for other involved. This is a great responsibility you had recognized, and one that relates to every action we make.
Yes Kim, that was quite a profound moment for me too when reading Anonymous takes full responsibility for how they not only mistreated themself but also the other involved. What a healing to feel that and know if we hold back love for ourselves we ultimately hold it back from everyone else too.
“What a healing to feel that and know if we hold back love for ourselves we ultimately hold it back from everyone else too” This is huge, the truth of holding back.
Yes I agree Heidi and Rachael- it is the same when we do not connect in love with ourselves – how can we possibly connect in love with another. And holding back loving ourselves is no service to our selves or another at all.
Looooved this blog anonymous, a beautiful claiming of the love that you are,
the responsibility you have to be this love and the equal ness you now hold all in. A brother coming home, to a family that has eternally been waiting with an open heart.
Super beautifully said Kim “brother coming home, to a family that has eternally been waiting with an open heart.” – gorgeous.
Wow Anonymous, very powerful blog, I really love this line – ‘I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise.’ I can relate to this and have done the same in my life with men. Only realising in more recent years the absolute futility of this and that it never works, looking outside for someone else to fill that void, to dull or curb the voices that come saying that is exactly what you need, a man!! But it is just not true and part of unwinding that belief and learning to make other choices has been to understand those voices are not me, that it is my responsibility to choose otherwise. There is so much in what you have shared, thank you.
Good point Raegan- no matter how much we do use ourselves and others this way it never works- the boost of fake self worth never lasts. No doubt many women can contest to this… We have the answers right here within these conversations. We can Learn so much from talking openly with eachother about what’s going on for us. Also, by filling our own void with ourselves. A lil bit of self love goes a long way.
Wow Anonymous thank you, this is a powerful and insightful blog that ought to be compulsory reading for all teens. To understand what underlies our need for this type of intimacy and the actual impact, not only on ourselves, but on others too, is something few choose to be aware of. To think having sex with anyone is going to fulfil is perhaps one of our greatest red herrings, despite the repeated experience of how un-fulfilling it actually is – as so many have shared in comments to this blog. Once love is known and felt, it is easy to feel the emptiness of sex and the very poor substitute we try to make it. Regardless however, every BODY knows what is truly loving or not, and hence the common experience of emptiness after sex, as the body registers the loveless act no matter what else we try to make it.
Agreed Jenny, this blog, along with the comments should go out to teens. But not only them, but adult women as well, as it is equally insightfull and eye opening for those who might be going through the motions already. I love everything that you’ve shared here. Spot on.
Once love is felt – we cannot sell for less.
Well said Monika! After true love is felt, you just canÂŽt accept less anymore. Only if you put a lot of numbness/ abuse into your whole being could you go for less.
So true Steffi. We know, our bodies know and the other person knows when we are accepting less. Such a ridiculous game we play.
So true Monika – and the difference is felt immediately as the body recognises this straight away. And why would one then settle for less indeed when truly love has been felt.
Reclaiming our bodies and choosing to make love rather than have sex means that we must first begin with the development of self love. For how can we love another if not ourselves first?
Once we know SELF LOVE than the MAKING of everything changes. The bed, breakfast, a friendship, a comment.
So naturally something like the intimate activity of sex becomes a moment to express love with our bodies … love making.
SEX without love is empty and driven by our need to be loved without first loving ourselves.
SEX with Love is full and a celebration of being human and interconnected with one another.
You have blessed us with this blog dear Anonymous and the fact that we have a CHOICE.
‘….. I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’ How powerful is it when we claim who we TRULY are?
Super powerful Kathryn. Can move mountains.
Yes it is very powerful indeed when we claim who we truly are.
Awesome expression Kathryn – I can feel that throughout my body joyfully.
“I have seen that as much as I have played victim in this, I in fact have been using another, as well as myself.” This is such a powerful realisation. Whenever I have believed I was the victim and powerless in a situation I have always found that I have had been party to it, having a responsibility in the cause of the situation and was not in truth powerless. This has been so empowering.
Absolutely Jonathon – reminds me of something I have read which says that if you do not like where you find yourself – start making different choices. True responsibility is very empowering as you write.
I love how just by the fact that you made the choice to be more honouring of yourself, and not going into patterns that you knew were neither honouring nor working for you in any way, this whole aspect of your life opened up to you. It shows that everything we have ever experienced is always with us and we just have to be willing to see and read it.
‘I am, a woman with a choice’… I’d like to expand on this by saying that we are women, with choices, and men, with choices. And each and every moment provides us the choice to choose love or not love. It is each and every choice that builds our momentum of yes’s and no’s to love however, the choice is always ours.
This is powerful and a huge declaration of truth â “Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.”
There is sure a huge difference between the two one is empty and void of love, the other is full ‘to the brim’ of it. Understanding that there is a difference is pretty mind blowing in itself.
“the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.” This really highlighted how love is super powerful in life, is totally natural and is lived when we chose to accept and connect to who we truly are.
Thank you anonymous for sharing your personal experience. It is indeed our choice as a woman.. And that choice will always reflect where we are at with our relationship with ourselves. I love how you’ve shared about your love of humanity and not wanting to use another, this takes it to a whole new level and brings a level if respinsibility not often seen in this day and age!
What I find interesting in this blog is how you have realised that you were not in fact the victim, but also the user of others. How many of us have relationships and then come out feeling like we have been used and hard done by, but what you are saying is that there are no victims and that everyone has a part to play and to take responsibility for our part – to do this we would have to be very honest with ourselves. If we are able to be this honest just think how different our next relationship would be without having the victim energy lacing it before it’s even started.
There is an enormous amount of power and grace in what you write Anonymous. Thank you
I second that Sara and Anonymous – awesome to feel!
“I am a woman with choice”- is indeed a very empowering statement. When we allow ourselves to feel the truth that we are love, and come from love, it makes sense that we would only want to make love, in honouring of this fact.
What a difference this makes. Our bodies are not a commodity to be used and abused, which is how it feels when having sex.
Very well said Loretta, it does make sense.
Yes, I agree Loretta. We use and abuse our bodies in an attempt to fill up the feeling of emptiness that comes from not loving ourselves fully to begin with.
So my 2nd comment is just to express how beautiful the last part of your blog is Anonymous. I step up and stand with you to say, “Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.
I want to meet this love head on, say âHelloâ and welcome what love has come to teach me and move forward with this. Until now it has been so easy to hold back, pull the reins, play the games, spinning round and round, but now that I know otherwise it is up to me to live this. I am, a woman with a choice.”
I agree Lucy, the first part of the excerpt stood out to me particularly – ‘Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.’ This really exposes the harm between two people in the way that we can use each other in having sex. It also asks us to ponder upon that if this is in our behaviour to do things in this way, where else in our lives and the choices we make might we have harmful arrangements such as this? So beautiful that learning to connect back to the love we are can raise our awareness and show the way to change these aspects of our lives to the benefit of all.
It is truly beautiful Lucy. I so relate to the ‘bury my sadness’ in you… Having felt myself do this and others do this with me doesn’t feel good in my body at all… And what anonymous expresses here about meeting the love that we are head on feels simply gorgeous,
Ok I have to write 2 comments here because there are 2 completely different parts I’m feeling strongly! First one is in relation to this line, ‘I can feel that in doing what I have always done, I am saying to myself and the other person: âYeah thisâll do, weâre not really worth real love anyway so letâs get it on and get it over withâ.’ Nailed it! This is painful to feel but has been my experience too. Not so much any more but I can’t honestly say that every time my husband and I are physically intimate that we are making love. On the occasions when we don’t this is what is being communicated to each other which feels pretty awful. It’s a great wake-up call to really take responsibility in every choice and every moment for putting myself and my amazing husband though this is simply not on.
Yes Lucy I like this line too… The ‘this’ll do – neither of us are worth it’ part feels do pertinent, for this is what we are saying when we choose less than love… And the more we make thee choices the more we feel we are t worth it… But as anonymous has so beautifully written – we have a choice.
I am a woman with a choice…imagine if we were taught this from when we were very young,, that we have a choice at every moment to chose love, how simple and easy our lives would be, no abuse no self judgement self loathing or self worth issues. We would value our selves so much that we would be able to say no to anything and everything that is not love
Yes I agree Alison.. The world would be quite a different place if we were taught this!
Anonymous these words: âYeah thisâll do, weâre not really worth real love anyway so letâs get it on and get it over withâ have brought up ghosts from my past. Having sex when I really didn’t want to is the absolutely most dishonouring thing I have ever done, to myself and to another, in a sense worse than taking drugs, and knowing “I am a woman with a choice” and choosing self-love and self-honuring is the absolute best! Great blog, thanks for initiating such an important conversation.
So much of our life is influenced by sex and the physical attraction, yet very few are sharing and speaking about how it really makes us feel in our bodies and lives. How powerful it is to read what you share Anonymous, and to know that we are all absolutely worth all the tender love and care in the world. In claiming this, we all have a choice.
So beautifully said Joseph. We absolutely deserve ‘all the tender love and care in the world’ When we know this about ourselves, the choosing is very easy.
Thank you, Joseph. It was touching to read this – “very few are sharing and speaking about how it really makes us feel in our bodies and lives”. It reminds me of myself and no doubt countless other women who in the past have not taken the time to deeply connect to how our bodies feel before, during and after sex, and have not honoured the choice to make it truly and only about love.
Your words here Janet, to make it truly and only about love, now that is music for the heart, and building a consistent love within ourselves, is the key and the foundation from which to draw from at those times when we have a choice to choose our own sacred love, or the whims of our mind connected body. The latter eventually cannot compete with a knowing loving heart and the depth of care that it asks for.
Beautifully said Joseph.
So true Joseph, i’d like to see this talked about or shown in a movie one day, rather than the false picture that portrays sex to be ‘everything’.
Thank you for your honest sharing. It is inspiring how you have exposed your past need to have sex to fill up the emptiness you felt and have now come to realise that you can choose to not only make love – but be love.
I think a lot of this bad sex comes from us all, men and women desperately seeking connection. We want to connect to others and feel something is missing, but very often what we are missing is connecting to ourselves. It is only when we are truly connected to ourselves that we can meet another in love and not out of need.
Nicola your comment really makes me think of my own life and the endless void I had inside me throughout my life. Having partners to fill it yet I remember feeling desperately alone in my relationship. More alone than if I was on my own. Reconnecting with my true tenderness within and dealing with my hurts was the only way out of that.
” A woman with choice” just makes me want to say yes I am.
‘I want to meet this love head on’. A great closing statement in your last paragraph. Accepting this love is one of the most heartwarming choices anyone will ever make.
I love this â I am, a woman with a choice. And the choice is whether we allow ourselves to be who we truly are and to express from that place without any hesitation or not. It is simple.
Sex without love feels energetically very abusive. Sex with a true connection to self and equality with another evolves into a deeper expression we call making love. This is the outcome of all the beautiful loving moments shared together and celebrated in open expression and divine connection.
Very empowering to hear someone takes responsibility for their choices, in a world where blaming is rife. We are the product of our choices, every moment we choose to dishonour ourselves, be unloving, or override how we feel, there will always be a consequence for it. Whether that be our loved ones reflecting the same back at us, or the tension we create in our body from all the disregard…one way or another we will never get away with it. The beauty in making these less than loving choices is that we will ALWAYS be presented with another opportunity to choose differently.
‘I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; made to make love’ – this is such a huge revelation for everyone, and ‘making love’ does not necessarily only relate to this form of intimacy, but we can ‘make love’ in everything that we do. The way we walk, talk, move and build relationships can all be in a loving way, and thus we are pouring love into everything we do – so we are making love!
This is beautiful Susie, I love the fact that we can move and express in a way that is literally pouring love into everything and everywhere we go. It really is that simple we can choose to be love and confirm that love everywhere we are or we can choose to be lesser and everyone misses out.
Beautifully said Susie – making love in everything that we do!
Beautiful comment Susie, ‘we can âmake loveâ in everything that we do. The way we walk, talk, move and build relationships can all be in a loving way, and thus we are pouring love into everything we do â so we are making love!’
Richard I like the way you wrote ‘this is not just about self is so glorious â it is a âself-loveâ for all equally, making love in a true way.’ What a refreshingly different approach – self love is not ‘selfish’ because when we truly love ourselves that love naturally encompasses the all we are a part of.
The difference of having sex and making love shows what it is about.
Sex is something that you simply have, because you decide to, maybe out of a need, a mood or a pattern.
Making love is the result of a love that has been taken care of, starting with a love for ourselves and fully honouring ourselves and the other, celebrating what has been lived.
When you put it like that Michael, how and why would we choose anything less than love?
When the two are described like that Michael I can really feel the function or mechanics of having sex – even in the description is it lifeless and cold. Yet the making love feels warm, confirming and flowing. A celebration indeed of the love we are first and the absolute Joy in sharing that with another.
Excactly Michael, starting with our self first – only then can we extend that to another, and that then can become the celebration of togetherness.
Wow this reminds me of how hurtful it is to have sex rather then to make love. Feeling used, self disgust, betrayal of oneself on edge – sex is like any drug it is detrimental and addictive. Making love on the other hand is none of that just an honouring of who you are, the love you are and share together.
It is only through developing my relationship with myself have I been able to let in real love and not settle for less.
And without that loving relationship with self, we have no real marker of what it is to love another.
The pressure on us to have sex at a very early age to fit in,be cool or grown up is huge and it’s only getting worse. It does show how far removed we are from the true act of making love and thats the way it will stay unless articles like this are made available on a wider scale so that people, especially young people realise that there is a choice.
A great point Kevin – the reality of todays pressure to not only have sex a a very young age but to go along with all these abusive trends to fit in, goes to show how far removed we are from ourselves and that of true connection to another.
I agree Kevin. This is a valuable blog because the messages out there in society about sex as the ‘norm’ are quite abusive yet very influential. There is little room in current conversations for the understanding of making love as an alternative to sex yet this knowledge has the potential to make gigantic shifts in the way people treat themselves and others.
Thank you anonymous for shining a well overdue light into the darkened corner that I have been keeping, what has been painful part of my life, buried in. Your honesty has allowed me to also acknowledge that in the past I used âmen to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwiseâ, and when I wasnât doing that I was simply hiding myself away from the world numbing the emptiness in other ways. Now as the result of choosing to make only loving choices in my life the emptiness is now being replaced with self worth, self respect and oodles of self love and with the knowing that I always have a choice.
I so love what you have shared Anonymous, it brings home that how we are with each other anytime of the day is going to play out when we then choose to connect and make love.
Yes and it will also reflect on how we were with our self first – which then in turn reflects how we are with each other. Beautiful when we come from love within to love shared.
There is such a difference between making love and sex, and discovering how to make love follows the choice to deepen our own self love. With self love, reconnection to a beautiful, intimate relationship with ourselves develops, removing the need to find or fill this void from another, instead, sharing and celebrating this exquisiteness with another.
Beautiful Johanne – making love is indeed a celebration.
Making love with someone requires us to really open to the love we already are, and be willing to let someone see that and honour that. What a glorious potential.
“This is so beautiful as I can also hear in this that I do not want to hurt me. I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love”.
What you have expressed here is so beautiful, thank you Anonymous for your honesty and wisdom; your blog is awesome.
The quality of love we give to another is dependant on the quality of love we hold and give to ourselves; this is very confronting but true!
I agree I am touched by Anonymous’s openness and honesty to share so much and to allow us to see the true love and beauty that was always there.
It is a wonder-full reflection for all of us to deeply check in and feel into that deep love there and connect to it and hold ourselves in it – that will then also offer another to do the same.
“But in fact, I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise”. This is something that I think most of us can relate to. It is absurd really isn’t when we really think about it. We can distract ourselves with another for a very long time, but at some point there comes a time when we can no longer do this and we are left to feel what it is there to be felt that we have been running from. It is then that we can begin to truly heal by looking inward and reconnecting to our own beauty and glory. We then no longer compromise with sex or in relationships.
“….using men to fill an emptiness inside that I havenât known how to deal with otherwise” – love the honesty here and how it is that when we hurt ourselves, we hurt others and in reaction abuse returns back to us. The underlying factor here being that where love grows, abuse withers. I’ve learned over the years that growing the love we hold for ourselves fertilises self-worth. And that a developed self-worth allows not abuse to enter its sacred space.
Beautifully said, Zofia – “where loves grows, abuse withers”. This is a simple formula to live by, and nothing else can substitute the development of love in our bodies, which is then felt by others and becomes the new norm as a way of being.
Love that Zofia, “And that a developed self-worth allows not abuse to enter its sacred space.” What a beautiful way to describe how the activity of building self worth and the place it then occupies within us in itself makes no room for abuse.
“Where love grows, abuse withers..” This is so true, with true love there is no room for anything but love. Not one once of anything unloving, for it sticks out like a sore thumb and is very painful indeed!
Thank you for this very real sharing Anon. we do deeply care for others . But it is to what extent that we appreciate and care for ourselves that reflects our ability to do so.
“But it is to what extent that we appreciate and care for ourselves that reflects our ability to do so” – love this and absolutely Jenny James…when we say we love someone, and yet the love, care and respect towards ourselves is not there, then how can our love be truly loving of another? The quality of our expressing love that people receive from us is dependent on the quality of relationship we’re having with ourselves first.
Yes, yes and yes to what you have shared Zofia ‘The quality of our expressing love that people receive from us is dependent on the quality of relationship weâre having with ourselves first’ and yet before I came to the work of Universal Medicine and began to care for myself I would have read your words and thought that I was living them. It’s amazing how we can fool ourselves so easily with the mind. It is really only when the body lives something that it is truly known and yet even that sentence can be grabbed by the mind and manipulated !
I love this Jenny, ‘we do deeply care for others . But it is to what extent that we appreciate and care for ourselves that reflects our ability to do so.’ So true.
Anonymous what a wonderfully open and powerful blog. Your realisation touched me deeply, “I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.” There was no escaping, a beautifully encompassing way to express we are love and deserving of love.
I love this Rosanna – “we are love and deserving of love” It is crazy how we can settle for less than this. Could it be that many of us in society have indeed forgotten what true love is?
The sad fact Samantha is a yes – it feels like humanity at large, myself included up until recent years, has sold out to the emotion of love being lust, desire, need and want. This falseness of how love is used keeps us searching outside of ourselves for something that is innate within us all, equally so. How crazy! Even to the point of food, we use this as fulfilment, a false sense of love with the sugar highs, or drugs and alcohol to feel an ounce of connection with each other. I feel incredibly appreciative of my own choices and coming to the work of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon to now know what I have always deeply known, that I have it all within and the outside world is a reflection of the love I am, if I choose to live it. I am re-learning what true Love is.
Unfortunately I think the answer is yes Sam. The more I find love, the more I realise what is not love.
You are a role model in the world today Anonymous. A choice to not compromise to the ideals and beliefs of relationships, being a woman and life. A choice to not compromise on true love, and your energetic consideration of yourself and the other (as well as all those will meet and reflect your relationship to).
We need more of this taught to the world, taught in schools, and shared with the All! For if I had been shared this when I was entering high school, let alone in primary school- it would have all been different! (And so much more self-honouring, rather than playing the outer games of flirting, when in fact it is about the inner relationship first, not ever the outer).
Sometimes, when we read about a breakthrough such as yours, it can spark a desire to understand the exact âhow toâ, the five point plan or the secret that can be followed, emulated or studied. What Iâm noticing is that a breakthrough in our behaviours only comes once we begin to relate to ourselves â and in turn, others â in a different, more tender, loving way. The behaviour then changes as a consequence of that and not as the main event but a secondary one. As you say, â this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all othersâ.
“I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.” This is beauty-full Anonymous. Knowing that we have the choice to end the self abuse that as women we are so good at giving ourselves is like opening a window to let in the sunshine and the promise of a new beginning.
Yes it sure is a bit of a shock isn’t it Doug!.
But at the same time it also lovely to feel that we have a choice and we can be responsible and we can turn the ship around and change the course we are steering. No more using and abusing, just self love and loving.
This is a beautiful sharing Anonymous; building love makes you more aware that you have choices. Only through self-love, nurturing and honoring you feelings can you come to such a deep understanding. All the little self-loving choices build the love within so that when you come to a big one in your life (like saying no to sex) you have the courage and honesty to see it through. I was interested to read that when you stayed true and said no to sex, you came to an even deeper understanding and revelation of your life and the love builds further.
I am a woman, and I have a choice is a beautiful message that should be on billboards.
Deep down inside we know it but I know for myself that it has been so easy to give my power away and to please others, all at the expense of myself. And I love how you share that it is not the other persons fault, because really it is not.
I too have blamed the other but really I am a woman, and I have a choice to give my power away or not.
â I can feel that in doing what I have always done, I am saying to myself and the other person: âYeah thisâll do, weâre not really worth real love anyway so letâs get it on and get it over withâ. Anonymous, this is so spot on and we can relate it to every interaction we have, including the one with ourselves. Any time we override what we feel and do or say something that is not of truth, it is a dishonouring of ourselves and others. This in effect is abuse.
I wonder how many women have not wanted to end the night with sex, but have found that being the way things go, not having the respect and self worth to say no
Until starting courses with Universal Medicine, I pretty much didn’t have the self awareness or love to choose what was right for me. Now I patiently await the arrival of the next intimate relationship in my life so I can experience what love making is like now I also love myself.
Thank you anonymous.
You talk about something that no one discusses but many people feel – their choice to be a victim and allow something that will confirm them as less, without ever seeing that they are amazing and equal to any other but it is simply our choices that define how we are treated.
I was this – I was the ‘victim’ and I thought sex was just a box to tick to please another, all the while feeling so empty.
All because I was using men to confirm my lack of self worth.
In me realising this, I have for the first time realised what true love is, what self love is, and have allowed myself to make choices that no longer confirm me as a victim, but confirm me for the strength that I have.
Wow, this is so empowering to read. Thank you for sharing your experience with connecting to love. It is inspiring how honest and open you are and in highlighting we all have a choice and responsibility to truly listen and honour our body, therefore no longer choosing anything less than love. The choice to connect to love or not is entirely up to us.
Such openness, thank you for sharing…. we often hear the words “I am love”, what you offer are the words “I am made of love”…wonderful stuff.
Absolutely love the last line “I am a woman with a choice” boy oh boy yes you are !!
Its very empowering to read that line and feel the strength in it. So many women feel powerless in situations around intimacy and sex and to re-claim her self, like this women writing this blag has done is so powerful.
Yes WE are, all of us have a choice and we have a choice in every moment. How grand is that!
Your blog is an open and honest exploration of how we can settle for sex in the missing of the truth of ourselves, so beautifully said in these words:’ I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’ This is a wonderful area to start to open up and explore and to discover what we can expand into in our relationships with ourselves and others including physical intimacy with another when we start with the foundation of self-love and not lack of self-worth.
Powerfully said Josephine Bell, this line should be in capital letters so I am going to write it as this. When looking at starting a relationship: “START WITH A FOUNDATION OF SELF-LOVE NOT LACK OF SELF-WORTH” – so simple, so true, this would restore love on earth from humanity’s abuse.
The way we interact with others completely shifts when we start our own relationship with self-love. The choices we make as a result cannot be dishonouring.
Very, very true Zofia. Relationships can vary in build up – some of them start after years of friendship, whilst others start after a few months of knowing one another, and there is no specific time limit that is ‘right’, but the one thing that really does matter before beginning a relationship is whether or not you have a foundation of self-worth first. If we lack this, then it can be very difficult to appreciate both how amazing the relationship is and could be, and how great your partner is…. Things can become a bit messy.
I have come to realise that just having sex is a physical thing whereas making love is about connection. There is a very tangible difference between the two.
Self responsibility is a big key to all of our relationships, asking ourselves the questions and taking the space to discover what choices we are making and why, and yes without the self-bashing stick but instead with the understanding that we create patterns and cycles for ourselves but indeed always have the opportunity to choose a different way.
Observation and Understanding are key to our making different choices – self bashing emphasises the low self worth and cements the original choice
Exactly Carmel – well and clearly expressed. Self-bashing or bashing anyone in fact, does not serve anyone at all. Connecting to the stillness within and to the love that we are is what will support us.
Super powerful claiming. I am deeply moved by how you have chosen to honor and respect the Love you are, and Love that your Brothers equally are, through choosing to be responsible for and heal your hurts. As when we surrender to the Love we are, the Love we are is what we then choose live.
Thank you so very much for sharing your experience. Of late I too have become deeply aware of the love that I am and this has revealed to me another aspect of my sexuality for me to look at and reading your blog is deeply supportive for me. I will be reading it again this evening.
Very true Emma, we as young girls are often left without true role models of women that have developed loving relationships with themselves inspiring us to know that we have the same power. Often we carry on the old patterns of how women before us have dealt with life and we perpetuate the same cycles….we have so much within us, immense love and power, yet we can only connect to this when we choose to reconnect to our selves as anonymous has so beautifully demonstrated!
Dearest anonymous, this is absolutely beautiful, deep and i felt so much love in your words and towards yourself. Your words speak the truth of you. What you have shared is how there is so much more to sex than just the act, there are needs, lies, etc etc, I’ve been there too, and we do hurt ourselves, we feel it in our bodies when we go against ourselves, but its not to blame and beat up but to bring understanding. the true relationship with ourselves is the loving one. It is so true and very empowering as a woman to take responsibility for ourselves as you stated: am, a woman with a choice.
Great to feel the strength and power in your choice to say no to the games and bring yourself, in full, to a truly loving relationship and allow the relationship of your sexuality as a woman the space to unfold.
‘I can feel the fact that I deeply care for people, and that I do not want to hurt another person.’ This is something to treasure in itself to feel this so strongly and at the or of your mind is truly beautiful.
I agree Abby – to deeply care for oneself and others is something to treasure, and it also requires a deep level of resposibility.
Responsibility for ourselves and all others is a profound way to live, and when we take our commitment to continually deepen our responsibility, all manner of awareness can come, including sex with someone is actually harmful if it is not about expressing love.
Such a beautiful inspiring blog Anonymous thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I like these words “I also love that this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all others.” When we start to self-love and self-nurture old behaviours just drop away and it is a time for great celebration as we have an awareness of this for we are truly building a body of love.
I love how you expressed this so well: “I also love that this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all others.” Respect for self will then in turn include respect for others. And to really learn to have respect for one’s self is a wonderful learning and, once accomplished, it will emanate to all we come in touch with. A very honest sharing Anonymous and great realisations and healings.
I have used men as well to fill up an emptiness and I have also had sex when it did not feel honouring. But then I just did it anyway, because I felt I had to, it was the thing to do, you have to do it several times a week/month or because the last time was already a long time ago. I have also used sex because I thought it would bring some intimacy and connection. I am not choosing this anymore. I am also a woman with choice and I know now that this is not the way. Not the way of truth and love.
I can relate to what you have written , Mariette. I detected that I always was longing for tue intimacy, which is not firstly found in having sex, but in how we treat ourselves and others. I understand now that it cannot be found outside of me, but that it is a choice of me to be intimate and open with everone and everything. Instead I replaced it wit sexuality and this was hurting me.
So much in this blog resonates with me, the lack of self worth which was the choice I made and in that choice left me without the strength to say no to things which were not true. I love your final line ‘I am, a woman with a choice. ‘
Like you JY I feel that many of us through a lack of self worth had so little love and respect for ourselves that we were unable to say no to that which was harming us. We simply gave our power away. To now know that “I am a woman with choice’ is such a powerful knowing.
I love that final line too JY, and how awesome does it feel when this can be expressed in-truth.
This is a blog that we could all read and share with our younger ones. To Love and respect our bodies and our right to say no to sex, and instead choose love, is so important in our world today, with all the abusive relationships that we see and hear of, knowing this is our choice to not accept anything less than real Love, surely is liberating for all concerned. Instead of taking from each other actually give and receive Love. Thank you anonymous.
I can relate to the ‘that’ll do’ attitude. If we have that attitude towards ourselves its no wonder we attract people who have the same attitude towards us. I love your bold and powerful statement about being a woman with choice. You are saying to yourself and the world that you are no longer going to settle for less.
Anonymous you have opened a taboo subject with honesty and openness. Itâs true, as women we too must reflect on our inner motivations and the games we play in intimate and sexual relationships. I recognise some of what you describe and acknowledge how easy it can be to blame partners and not take responsibility for our own actions. With love in our bodies and self responsibility we can break patterns and make choices for ourselves and partners based the inner truth we feel.
What has been highlighted here is the insistent games that are played during relationships.
Imagine if we all were forced to tell the truth why we are entering into relationships.
Hello I’m … I want to be in a relationship because I’m lonely and need someone to fill my needs of not feeling enough.”
If this was said on a first date, it would make you think twice.
Ouch! These words are ringing scarily true. And in a long-term relationship you can add the bitterness expressed in every exchange between a couple because those needs were never met. The need for love cannot be fulfilled by anyone other than each individual through reconnecting to their innate love. Once the love for ourselves is fully expressed, only then can we truly open up to and love another, and that love can then be celebrated in every moment.
Or perhaps, “I’m looking for someone to have sex with regularly so I can feel better.” Men and women alike make this choice, and what a tragedy that is to stay in “wanting to feel better”, rather than addressing what prevents us from feeling joy and fulfilment as a normal everyday experience.
I have had relationships where I have walked away in the knowing that I have hurt others and in turn hurt myself. I now know that I do have a choice and I do not want to repeat these patterns again, and the only way I am going to do that is to love myself more, and as true love comes from the inside then this is the only place to start to build that loving foundation. Thank you Anonymous for not only claiming your love for yourself as a woman but for all of us.
We are made to make love – beautiful!
I love this too Andrew, very beautiful.
We all have a choice in what we allow. Once you have made love… sex is never becomes an option.
A statement for all the world to hear! You’ve just collapsed the porn industry and many online dating sites, not to mention music videos!
Hear hear Heather – perfect! And it’s so needed too to break that cycle of behaviour and how beautiful this can be by actually connecting to love first.
The man can feel it when there is sex without love. He may choose to not be aware of it, but it is there.
Its amazing how we can forget and believe one gender is more aware when there is no love in sex than the other…. as in truth we all feel it all of the time.
Its deeply disturbing, these hidden patterns that make up our lives and (almost) without realising we play along. The ‘almost’ is that while we have accepted things as normal, we still know. We know because there is always the feeling, shouted loud or whispered quietly… and that is what gives us the choice which is so well expressed in the blog.
This is so beautiful to read. “I can feel that in doing what I have always done, I am saying to myself and the other person: âYeah thisâll do, weâre not really worth real love anyway so letâs get it on and get it over withâ.” It is an amazing moment when you realise that you have a choice to choose love. I can very much relate to this, it is like being ruled by ideals and believes of how I thought things were in life. Then I started to consider these to not be true and that I have a choice which can change my whole experience of my life, and from that moment started to see that with being loving life does not have to be hard but can be very loving.
What a burst of true clarity you have had Anonymous and good on you for sharing it. I have also felt this deep caring for people and do not want to hurt anyone either, I feel we all have this if we can look past our hurts and feel the love we truly are.
Thanks for sharing anonymous, When we live with an emptiness within ourselves we can settle for whatever will make us feel full but this is only a bandaid as until we are in a similar situation all over again, it is only until we connect to the love that we are and learn to honour our bodies that that we can start to make true choices.
Iâm so grateful that you have brought the manâs viewpoint into this. So often when we speak about how the woman is going through the motions of sex out of a sense of duty or lack of self worth,we quietly assume that as long as the man is having sex then he is happy! This then results in us, as a society, not really examining on a deeper level some men’s attitudes and motivation towards sex.
Powerful,powerful stuff. Your strength of conviction is exquisite, the effect that you will have on the world with this knowledge in your body is palpable and I adore what you have shared about the depth of your care for others and therefore how you naturally don’t want to harm others by projecting your hurts onto them. Solid, felt, inspirational!
âThus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly areâ â this is such a powerful, beautiful, inspiring disclaimer. Imagining having this as the foundation of every relationship we have with another regardless of the level of intimacy – I get goosebumps. Thank you, anonymous.
In every choice to pull away from love, we are offered the choice to be pulled back. We can choose to stay pulled away, but it gets more and more exhausting. When we stop resisting, like a gigantic elastic band, we are swung back to where we are naturally from â stillness. How do we choose then?
The self-love that we now choose to live as women, is a beautiful period of grace to come back to the love that we know. It is a process of trusting once again and expressing honestly what our bodies feel. We are not just saying, but living again the honuor that the body knows. We do not just deserve love, we know we are love, and we choose to not live anything less. We are letting in more and more people with the choice to honour ourselves, we are connecting deeper with many more people with the deepening connection we have with ourselves. This is the truth of self-love, the foundation for any true relationship that celebrates the expression of our true self (love) rather than emptiness.
I have mistaken sex to be love too in the past, and it never feels honoring and has always left me feeling even more empty. If we are truly honest in what the body feels, it just does not add upâthe whole world is telling us how sex is love, but can love really feel empty and hurt anyone? Knowing love is not emptiness, yet the act of finding love feels empty, there must be something wrong with us not finding the love that we all know within, and we further disconnect with ourselves in the emotion of unworthiness. Eventually, Love says STOP.
Having sex and not making love is a reflection of how deeply men and women are in separation and disconnection with each other as genders. Yet as humanity we have made this as normal, and even desirable. We glamorize disconnection and the hurt we put each other through to not feel our emptiness.
I agree Adele, having sex, being taken over by the moment, being out of control, not speaking up when sex doesn’t feel right etc is for the majority the norm. And the more we blame another for our choices the more this stays the same. Blogs like this and all the comments bring another more loving view of making love and taking ownership for our choices.
When it comes down to it life is all about the choices we make and although we like to often put the responsibility onto someone else we are truly the only one responsible for those choices. What I have come to accept is that sometimes we have to look further than the resulting choice we have made back to why we chose to not listen to ourselves and put ourselves in that situation in the first place.
Spot on Deidre the taking the steps back to where we relinquished responsibility is a great way to get to the crux of any matter.
You have described the spiral of lack of self worth very well, how we dishonour ourselves and our men. I find it amazing that this is so often our starting point as women, that we havenât had true role models to show us how itâs done. I am inspired by what we can bring our girls in their development into women simply by living the love that we are.
Me too Emma, I am learning that the best way to parent is by me choosing to live the love that I am.
Oh Chan that one simple, exquisite line that you have shared speaks absolute volumes ‘I am learning that the best way to parent is by me choosing to live the love that I am’. It takes away the controlling, the nagging, the needing, the manipulation, the jealousy, the pandering, the pleasing, the pleading, the begging and the pain.
Yes I agree Alexis – it’ is an awesome statement made by Chan, and the result is so powerful as you have listed so clearly what it will be. Beautiful!
I agree Emma, it is amazing that the fact of role models, or lack of such, is not more of a hot topic in our societes – it should be discussed and focussed on left right and centre. Super important not only for our future generations but for all.
Yes Emma, without role models you are left with you feelings, for some with a history of living true to their feelings this is enough. When you witness the grace of a woman putting into action the honoring of her feelings and living her love it is tremendously influential. Everybody wants love; it restores faith that it can be lived when you see someone living it.
This is beautiful. And will be great for anyone to read who is in the same situation. There is something so powerful about choosing our inner most truth and choosing to let go of adopted beliefs about ourselves⊠we are innately love and worth of being that love and of expressing that love with others and nothing less than that is not us. beautiful to claim your power.
Beautiful comment Harrison, we are all innately love. This I now feel and cannot deny. And so now is my choice to allow my love to be in every part of my life. Every one in my life deserves to feel it. For it grows every time I open and let people feel me, sharing me with the world is the most glorious experience ever.
This is so powerful Leigh! “This I now feel and cannot deny. ” how can we hold judgement against other when we know we are love, but make unloving choices. I know this is something for me to work on!
For us all to work with Harrison, every day, with our deeply inbuilt tenderness, love and understanding. Allowing each unloving choice to be and know that we do not have to choose it ever again.
Putting the spotlight on whether or not I am making love or desiring sex has been most revealing to me. I have discovered that I have used sex as a way of hiding and distracting myself from my own grandness, as you say to fill the emptiness. I can now feel how this uses my partner and it feels awful. Making love is now a gorgeous, tender, deeply respectful experience of celebrating our love and connection and feeling the immense power of our union, but first coming from a place of full responsibility of claiming who I am and feeling and knowing my own sacredness as a woman. Wow, writing this now I deeply appreciate the evolution I have made here; thank you for your raw and honest sharing and starting the conversation about an intimate subject.
Emma this is deeply beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Anonymous, what you are sharing is beautiful, to meet Love head on. Love can only be lived and it only loves you, me and everyone else equally back.
Love is the key, love is the way and love makes our day!
Lovely Karoline , and so well said by Anon – ”I want to meet this love head on, say âHelloâ and welcome what love has come to teach me and move forward with this. Until now it has been so easy to hold back, pull the reins, play the games, spinning round and round, but now that I know otherwise it is up to me to live this.”
Love this anonymous, it is a realisation I have felt very strongly in the last few weeks. In every situation there is a choice, we can choose to play small, to choose the unloving action, thought or deed, or we can choose to embrace love and see our equal part in the whole. With this awareness it feels as though there is no space for playing small but in fact an ever evolving opportunity for expansion, connection and return to the truth of who we are, love.
This is such a beautiful, powerful sharing and I could feel your strength and steadiness in claiming you, your choice to be and hold the woman that you are.
I agree Heidi this is so inspiring to read and feel.
“I want to meet this love head on, say âHelloâ and welcome what love has come to teach me and move forward with this.” I too have been re-introduced to this love and welcomed it with both arms outstretched ready to embrace it and learn from what it has to share. Thank you for sharing Anonymous.
Fantastic to hear you taking full responsibility and claiming the power you have to make truly loving choices, but not only for you but also inviting the man to do the same in honour of both of you – the foundation to truly meet each other.
Sex is often used for lack of being intimate with another person. Intimate in this case means to be open, near, honest, loving, caring with oneself and the other. Intimate means to respect and honour the other. It means also to love to spend time with another person and share the all of you. So just sex, the body act, is the nearest compensation for the lack of intimacy. And I am sure that quite a lot if not most of us have experienced sometimes sex in this way.
Beautiful sharing Anonymous…”I have seen that as much as I have played victim in this, I in fact have been using another, as well as myself.” The love, care and respect you now feel towards yourself and others is clearly felt in your writing, and what also stands out for me is the responsibility we have not only for ourselves but how we are with others and how we affect them as well…this takes responsibility and respect to a whole new level.
How incredibly powerful this blog is. The openness to the opportunity of living with true love is exquisitely expressed and felt. The ability to experience and feel what true love really is from this article can be connected to because it is written with true love and the author feels the intention to live only with true love. It can also be connected to because of exposing what love is not – how having sex fills the lack of love and ensuing emptiness this brings. How humbling of you anonymous to understand the imposing nature of using sex and another to attempt to fill the emptiness and how willing you are to feel vulnerable and feel that emptiness.
A big Y E S to your powerful claiming. To deeply appreciate and honour the fact we all have choice in every moment brings greater awareness to what that choice will be. This declaration Anonymous is truly inspiring, thank you for sharing it.
A massive YES from me too. It is deeply empowering to know that we all have a choice to live connect to love or not. Every choice we make affects not just us but people around us too.
And a huge YES from me as well. Just having that awareness that any moment we can choose is very empowering, and any moment we can also choose anew should that first choice not incorporate all we are at that time.
Anonymous, thank you….. this was beautiful to read and I could relate to a lot of what you shared. The using of men to fill up a sense of loneliness and emptiness, to want to feel loved and cherished when we don’t love ourselves first, the longing to be close to someone — all of which comes from a lack of love for ourselves which then allows us to make the choice to abuse our bodies, ourselves and another.
When a woman honours her body in full she is honouring everyone. She is saying I cherish my body and will allow nothing less. For a woman to get to this point she needs to truly let herself fall in love with herself, through a loving course of honesty, truth and deep self-care, where she tenderly and absolutely claims back her body as her own.
This is great Katerina Nikolaidis. That a woman by honouring her body and herself is actually showing the world what true love and care is. She is drawing a line in the sand that says anything else other than love is no longer acceptable. What if we applied this to all areas of life?
It is strange the way we expect others to love us and cherish us, but we donât do that for ourselves. Unfortunately that is how I lived for many years and put so much pressure on my partner to make me feel good. I am now making a commitment to healing my hurts and cherishing myself and my body. I love how you have expressed this Katerina. It is about falling in love with ourselves first and claiming back our bodies as our own.
Dear Katerina,
Thank you. On reading your comment I can feel deeply that I do love myself exactly as you share here, and in so doing I am now feeling the many and varied choices I have made where I have not honored this deep love. A greater blessing I could not have had this life time, in feeling these choices, I now am able to make different choices as things arise.
Brilliant comment Katerina, beautifully said and inspiring. I absolutely agree, when we cherish who we are and start loving, caring and honouring our body this is imperative to assisting us to making more loving choices. When we choose to rebuild a true connection with ourselves we are then able to have true connection with others. That sense of loneliness and emptiness is a disconnection from ourselves first, not from anything outside of us but our choice to disconnect from who we are. So, if we avoid healing the root course of our ill choices then it is pretty much impossible to arrest the old patterns and behaviours.
Beautifully expressed Katerina. Yes learning to love and honour ourselves certainly clears most relationship problems.
It takes a lot of honesty to get to where you have anonymous. The entire blog is amazing and I especially love the line “We’re not really worth real love anyway”. So many choices don’t allow for real love. We can say we want love but are we actually allowing love? It is so easy to blame everyone else for a lack of love but if we are honest, we are the ones responsible by not allowing it.
This is such an easy merry go round, roller coaster, to get on and never get off. Not allowing or accepting true love not only hurts ourselves but can easily play on another’s hurts and insecurities too, leaving them in a position where they might hold back the next time in fear and protection. Learning to be truly honest about what we want, what we are worth, and what that looks and feels like takes courage and commitment.
Absolutely Nikki, it takes a lot of honesty where anonymous has got too, that in itself is the start of a truly loving relationship, to value ourselves enough to look at what is going on and why we continue to harm ourselves…but when we do, how inspiring and life changing it is…
Honesty is the key and bringing everything out of the cupboards so to speak; and when we can be in acceptance of how it has been the healing can start and we gradually reconnect again to the love that we hold and are.
It takes a clot of honesty to get to where you have anonymous. The entire blog is amazing and I especially love the line “We’re not really worth real love anyway”. So many choices don’t allow for real love. We can say we want love but are we actually allowing love? It is so easy to blame everyone else for a lack of love but if we are honest, we are the ones responsible by not allowing it.
The level of loving integrity you are sharing for yourself and others is deeply appreciated. Thank you for all you offer with such love and honor, with awareness and understanding that we have choice.
‘I am a woman with a choice’ – that you certainly are and what great choices you have expressed here. It is always a healing experience when we can see the parts we play in what unfolds in our life – good or bad.
What I love about your story is that once you chose a deeper level of love and self-worth, the game had to change – and we cannot be the same with others as we are not the same with ourself. The vice is irrelevant (sex, drugs, food etc), it is the value and honouring of ourself that changes everything.
Very beautifully expressed Marika ‘…..What I love about your story is that once you chose a deeper level of love and self-worth, the game had to change’ Yes the game has to change and it is life changing!
We can all relate to this, as we have all played games, and we have all settled for less, in one way or another, in different words we have all said this: ââYeah thisâll do, weâre not really worth real love anyway so letâs get it on and get it over withâ.â We can all quit the games, and connect to the divine love within us all, and live from there without compromise. Thank you Anonymous for this courageous blog.
True Bernard – we all know the games so well.
These games are so insidious and it just feels so liberating when we can lay a finger on each one of them as they raise their ugly head… so very awesome when we have chosen to stop playing games,start being honest and connect to who we truly are.
Yes, Bernard, both men and women play these games and know them from inside out. And all of us can stop it, connect to the divine love and don’t settle for less.
Protecting our hurts seems to be our number 1 priority yet in protecting ourselves we seem to get so much more hurt. Not only to we get hurt we in turn hurt others which ensures the cycle of protection goes round in circles.
Well said Lucy – its not often we are presented with the fact that when we are trying to protect ourselves this actually can have an impact on other people, and more often than not that is the people closest to us.
Well said, Lucy. The ‘cycle of protection’ is very prevalent in the world and as a consequence no-one gets to feel a sense of togetherness and the expansion of true love. Universal Medicine is turning the tide by posing the ‘what if?’ questions to help us bring down those self made barriers.
When we see that we have choice our world opens up in a way that was impossible before. Well done for making the self-loving choices you have made thus far that have enabled you to make this further leap of not having sex when you really didn’t want to AND respecting and honouring that for yourself AND another.
Deeply touched and inspired by your words, thank you woman with a choice. I do not want to hurt me, because of the fact that I am love. Wow!
Yes me too – WoW – and I love this – ‘woman with a choice’ – totally awesome. Done with victim, done with ‘being done to me/us’ – yes choice is where it’s at for all of us.
What a beautiful unfolding and healing this is for you. It is always about choice and it is when we have such a low level of self love that we are unable to make any truly loving choices at all. Self love and appreciation and now you are a “woman with choice”.
Wow, what an enormous realisation to come to anonymous. Congratulations.
The power in those words “I am, a woman with a choice” is stunning and a beautiful offering for all women.
I have had similar experiences – not with sex, but where I have said to myself “I will no date this person” or “I will not eat that” and then find myself doing the opposite persists. And you’re right, it has so much to do with respect for ourselves and learning to act, not from a need or an emptiness, but from a position of asking for love and nothing less – not because you’re fussy or arrogant, but because everyone is worth loving.
A great reflection Rebecca, to have connected saying âNo to sexâ with other areas of our lives where, we say one thing and do another. It’s disturbing when this becomes a consistently repeated pattern, because we are choosing emptiness instead of love. Ouch!
Women can use men sexually for their own gain – to feel ‘better’, to feel powerful, to be reassured that they are still attractive even though their marriage is failing, and because it feels great – but the feeling is momentary – the emptiness is still there afterwards. The difference between sex and making love is a huge gap and one we are still discovering, but starting with tenderness towards self is a great way to begin.
I used to see making love as a sexual interaction but now I see this in a different way and that we can make love during anytime of our day as it is a way of being and quality we can bring in all that we do. Although writing this I see how little I bring true love in all that I do.
Well said Carmel, the pleasure of sex without love is always passing leaving emptiness in it’s wake and in women self-doubt, whereas love confirms, fulfils and forever builds more love. I agree this is an area in human life that is multi layered and well worth exploring for more light needs to be brought as sex without love is currently very much accepted as the norm, and the Internet with its easy access to porn etc has exacerbated this.
We are fortunate in having role models who can show us there is another way and it is for us to live that way so that others can feel that there is a difference between love and sex and choose for themselves how they want to be in their relationships. It all starts with appreciating and loving oneself and for many of us that is a huge challenge.
Good one Josephine, the feeling after is the biggest give away or indicator, sex might leave us relieved but empty, Love leaves you full and glowing.
This is absolutely gorgeous to read and I feel it is very beautiful that you have come to this realisation with the growth and steadiness of your own livingness of Love with yourself and everyone. It is easy to paint the other as being the problem and it can even be made to look as though it was never our choice to make but as you say, the choice to seek to fill the emptiness of not being who you truly are already called in the situation you describe with you first experience of sex.
Yes Joshua, it is common to blame others or point outwards when things are not how they ‘should be’ – it is very refreshing to be presented with the complete opposite and stunning to feel the deep honour and responsibility that naturally comes with it.
So beautifully written and how often have I found sex to be something I didn’t want to do or to make myself feel better and going along with it without considering abut the true impact on another.
Powerful words Anon. We always have a choice. Full stop. Well said.
It’s true Sarah we always have a choice, but depending on how much a sense of self worth we have will determine what that choice will be. Valuing and appreciating ourselves it becomes much easier to make more loving and honouring choices.
I agree Sarah. There is a great free audio here: http://www.unimedliving.com/voice/audio-of-the-month/the-deepest-form-of-prison-2015-09.html – that presents how we always have a choice and how with every choice there is a consequence.
How powerful this blog is in exposing our constant choices that can come from love or without. If we don’t love ourselves or regard ourselves well than it is little wonder we can readily choose to abuse ourselves further as such a pattern can be familiar and confirm we are not enough.
Getting to know ourselves and our patterns and choosing to love ourselves more each and every step and moment – we will have a basis of love and self-honour with which to make the next choice and the next.
Deborah I like how you have shared ‘Getting to know ourselves and our patterns and choosing to love ourselves more each and every step and moment â we will have a basis of love and self-honour with which to make the next choice and the next’. I can feel this building in my body and with the building of love then it seems that much of the struggle of decision making is dropping off. It feels almost as if my body is making the decisions for itself rather than me making a decision that involes a battle with my mind. There are things now that I would never have been able to choose before that are simply non negotiable!
Thank you so much Anonymous. Reading this brought up much for me to ponder, and has actually been a lot of what I have been pondering of late. What came to me when reading this is how situations such as you have described happens many hundreds or thousands of times over each Saturday night as people head out to bars and clubs, looking for that ‘special someone’ (or not) and what follows thereafter. How much of that is honouring the amazing people that are involved? I would say none. We need more examples of how lives can be lived without this sort of compromise. Compromise has been normalised and it does not need to be the case.
Hear, hear Amelia! As you say this sort of sexual behaviour is widely practised everywhere and is considered normal. Everyone who is living in this way wants true love deep down, it’s just that we have forgotten and compromise has become the way. The more people stand up and accept only love knowing that love is the way and not out of reach then that spreads so that those willing to be honest will see there is a choice.
Deep thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for reflecting the depth of love and truth that we all deserve. As well as the tools to simply connect and live our Divine love.
Put so simply Johanna, I echo your deep appreciation for the reflection of love, honour and truth we have received, making it possible for us to choose this too.
After developing self care, self nurturing and being tender with myself- I too have a marker, a tangible level of true love in my body that says ‘ I deserve all the truth, care, tenderness and love in the world in the truest quality’, it certainly is a beautiful experience to call out what is no longer true or serving and to further claim the true quality of love I now know.
I agree Johanna that the more self-loving I become with myself the greater the marker I have. What the means is that if I do something gently then anything of a lesser quality stands out. It was very empowering to see how much my life changed when I started to become more self-loving and it also became clear that if I could choose to be self-loving then I could equally choose to not accept less from others. In fact I find the more I respect and honour myself the more others respect me without my even needing to do or say anything.
Fabulous Sharing Anonymous. Thank you. I am sure many woman on some level can relate to what you have shared. It is amazing how you have chosen to not repeat these patterns and that the love that you have developed in your body has supported you to be lovingly firm in your choice.
Beautiful to read your article and to feel the responsibility you now want to take. It is so true that we have a responsibility to others and that how we live affects so many people based on how we are behaving. I have had much experience of projecting my hurt feelings onto other people, be that in close relationships or in every interaction I have. I love how you express that you want to offer so much more than that, an honouring of the love you have in your body that we are all made of and all capable of expressing.
Great blog anonymous, thank you for sharing so intimately on a topic that affects all men and women. I have not had the same experience as you, though I can relate to having accepted less then love with and for my body, as well as expressed less then this love from my body with others. No more.
Powerful how the realization how you want to treat your body, yourself and others with love and respect comes from within your body. The wisdom inside our bodies has such a knowing what is true for us and thus for others as soon as we start taking care of ourselves and listen to what our bodies tell us.
Being a Womanâs Health Practitioner I have spoken with women from all around the world. Hundreds have shared with me that they did not want and/or still do not want to have sex on many, many occasions and went ahead regardless, thinking that this was/is their duty as a partner, wife, a girlfriend or even some-one they had just met. I too had this belief and remember talking with my mother about the fact that I did not enjoy sex and that it hurt at times. Her response to me was that I had to grin and bear it as it was my duty as a wife. (I am not blaming my mother as I know this was how she was brought up and was simply passing down the belief that was in our lineage) Fortunately, after a while, I realised that this did not feel true and stopped having disregarding sex and started to listen to and honour my body
Oh Mary-Louise, I know those words, as they came from my mother too. She resented sex, and her story was that there was no choice. I heard that only too well.
The strange thing is that I developed a very lassez faire attitude to my body and used sex for a sort of relief from the stress of life..but hold on I wasn’t enjoying it all that much. It often hurt, and the post coital low doesn’t really bear thinking about.
I recall in those past times feeling like I wanted to climb out of my skin, as though I had absorbed something awful wanted to be rid of. Reading this blog I can say yes, it was the sadness, anger and whatever other emotions go in that cocktail, when two people coming together for reprieve…and call it sex.
We do have a choice, all of us are blessed with choice, especially as we clear ourselves of the fog of need.
Great blog.
This is why blogs like this one is so important, to open everyone up on a topic that are kept quiet, which contributes to beliefs, ideals and ways of thinking such as the one your mother carried from her lineage to you Mary-Louise never being challenged or examined. This blog would make a great study for high school sex education to awaken teens to the fact that love is the most important thing to choose and let that inform every choice. Every woman and man could benefit from reading this – thankyou anonymous.
It is scary that as a society this is what is happening. Having sex when not wanting to seems to be very common for women (I’m sure men have their side of it too as I’ve heard many men speak of feeling the duty to perform). Sex is something hugely intimate yet many in society are disregarding the sacredness of themselves and their bodies. To me, the key to changing this is with self-love. That word was once something I didn’t really understand but small and simple choices slowly led to an accumulation where I was able to make a lot more loving choices.
What has got me thinking here Nikki, why we wait till the end of an unloving act or after to say how we feel about it and that we didn’t enjoy it. Why is it not normal to express how we feel before or during something? Well this is the case for me anyway.
This is very touching Richard. Love is a constant choice but we must choose it for ourselves.
WOW! Anonymous, what a significant realisation you have had and what an important sharing you are offering us. â Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.â Stunning â Thank you.
Eva thank you for emphasising the significance of Anonymous’s words, that paragraph is especially powerful.
Yes Anonymous, its great to know I too am a woman with choice. There is great beauty and tenderness in this statement: “I also love that this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all others.” True Love is expansive and will not accept less than True Love equally for all. The body holds great wisdom and the living truth of the amazing love we are, it’s simply our choice to connect to it. Thank you for this powerful blog and testament to True Love.
‘True Love is expansive and will not accept less than True Love equally for all’. Thank you Barbara, acceptance of this truth has helped me re-connect to and heal past relationships.
‘I am a woman with a choice’ a very timely reminder and confirmation for myself. So many times I forget that I am a woman first and foremost before anything else and that I have a choice in every moment. So what if I chose to take these simple words with me during the day? Thank you Anon.
Yeah great idea Leigh – to take this with us all of the time, remembering to be a woman of choice rather than playing a role.
Thank you Leigh, your comment gave me the opportunity to pause and feel the power and absolute in the words ‘I am a woman with a choice’.
Something that Natalie Benhayon once shared in a presentation that has stuck with me ever since is along the lines of ‘a woman knows herself through her body’. More and more that I choose to pay attention to how I feel in the body it makes the loving choices easier to make as the unloving choices make the body recoil. What I am re-learning is that the body is super powerful when we allow it to speak.
When I am connected to the natural delicacy of my female body then allowing choices in that are unloving feels energetically like stomping on a flower. I don’t want to do it and I won’t allow it. It is becoming a non negotiable for me now, if it ain’t love then it’s not coming in. It’s as simple as that.
Anonymous I love how you have brought to attention that fact that being unloving to yourself and settling for less than love you are not only dishonouring yourself but the other person as well. This applies to more than just sex, but every compromise that is made. Thank you for sharing this great insight.
It’s true what you say Anne – in every compromise that is made – as it sets up a falsity in the relationship. There’s a deep lack of regard for self and another.
WOW, super powerful blog Anonymous. I know these games myself yet how you have shared this so simply and matter of fact is inspirational. “I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love”….””I am a woman with a choice”. Thank you
This is absolutely beautiful anonymous. I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been experiencing that as I open to more love and treat myself and others with more and more respect I have been feeling and clearing past hurts from the times that I have used others and allowed myself to be used. It feels so horrible but I am embracing these feelings as I know that by feeling and clearing these hurts I am opening to a greater capacity for love.
Beautifully said Rebecca. Though often these feelings of how I’ve been disrespectful of myself and the men I’ve used has been painful, each time I’ve felt them and the honesty I’ve chosen I’ve also felt how tender and fragile I am and the beauty I hold within.
Absolutely beautiful. That is how simple it really is, we are all beautiful people with a choice. Your discovery of how your choices affect yourself and others is truly inspiring. It requires a level of honesty and a depth that many rarely choose to go to. However in going there not only have you freed yourself from the victim role but you have also allowed others to step into their own power and glory by making a choice for themselves.
Exactly Jenny, well said and awesome healing work Anonymous.
Such beautiful and powerful words: “I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.”: words for each one of us to claim and live in full. Thank you for your beautiful and honest expression; I could feel the healing that it offered in every line.
It’s a wonderful claimed piece of writing. Not everyone will be able to stomach such absoluteness, never the less it is for all to heal just as described within.
I missed those lines first time round Ingrid – thanks for the reminder – they will be printed out and out on my mirror!
Woo Hoo! – ‘Hat’s off’ to you Anonymous in joyful celebration of YOU and all the work you have done with yourself to bring this deep and profound healing that is felt in every word you have written in this absolutely beautiful, powerful and profoundly honest blog. I love feeling the huge difference in you, reflected in your writing!
A great blog to enjoy re- visiting many times over and simply be inspired by the joy and insights you offer here. Thank you!
“Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are”.
Booya! What a read. This part below sums it all up for me.
Such an awesome realization to come to.
“Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am â who we all truly are.”
Thank you for this open and honest article. Yes, we do have choices but sometimes are unaware of this. I can remember a time when a counselor said to me ‘you do have choices’. At that time I felt locked into a life that was spiraling into depression and that one piece of advice changed my life.
Thank you very much Anonymous, to touch this part of our “common body” with a loving and honest view.
I feel that honoring and loving my body as a woman means honoring and loving everyones body. (Now I realize the first time the word “everybody”). There is such a wide range of hidden aspects and layers of abuse and manipulation possible to be realized and lovingly let go as you shared here. Isn’t it true that being intimate with our partner without the deepest respect and honoring and love for the body(s) always ends up in abuse? And the levels and ways of abuse have a wide range, can be very obvious and also very subtle. It is a work in progress as the steps need to be made very honest and – from my experience – the old patterns of being a victim or giving up on deserving love and than wanting to have power instead of being open and really let the other one in, what ever pattern occurs, it needs to be honestly observed, accepted, nominated and communicated to establish the choice for honoring the body(s) with love. So choosing (making) love instead of going around in circles of mutual abuse while having sex is a beautiful way to be with the divine part of ourselves and our partners. A way to evolve. From really listening and honoring the body’s choice and wisdom as a woman, comes the deepest respect in a natural way – then a much wider room can open up – a room to evolve naturally with the body.
Thank you for your honesty. It seems to me that if we can remain true to ourselves and express and communicate how we feel to our partner and not hide any of that then there is a chance of a continuing open relationship that honours both parties. I know sometimes in the past I have not wanted to, or thought that I didn’t know how to, say what was true for me and thus the unsaid has accumulated and made the relationship work on a more superficial level. This appears to make it easier but is only putting off the time when whatever it is will have to be dealt with or the relationship will crumble.
This story resonated with me anonymous. Thank you for sharing from your soul so openly and beautifully. I can feel that I have seen myself as a victim in relationships with men right up until the moment I read your words of wisdom. It feels incredibly freeing to let go of this and see my own responsibility within relationships with men.
This is a great article. I love how it not only exposes the ill-use of sexual activity, but the underlying lack of connection to who we are: love. And that with this connection the ill can simply not be.
This is a lovely reflection for I can observe – although not sexual actions now – how I can use others in other ways to be comforted, play victim, bury my issues etc and that in these moments I do have a choice.
How beautiful that you are now ‘a woman with a choice’ and it is beautiful to feel your confirmation of yourself within this blog. I can relate to so much of what you have said – in the beginning not truly wanting ‘sex’ but saying yes for the need of approval and what I now consider recognition, and yet at the time convinced myself was love. This neediness was self serving and replaced any atom of love that I may have been yearning for at the time – as you have said it was abusive both to myself and to the other person. As we learn to love ourselves from a willingness to be truth-full and a connection within, we begin a new love affair with ourselves and with the world.
I can say as a man that I have been using sex to think I was in a relationship, hence why my relationships would never last very long simply because I or my partner would end it. Very often in the past I would quite easily be happy with a one night stand but then would feel the emptiness I was in afterwards and also the loneliness. There is a heavy consciousness behind sex dictating men to be good at it or else. From quite a young age men are told that to be a man, sex is also part of the equation. A big part of our confidence heavily depends on this, whether we are experiencing it or not. Then eventually, I went to a presentation with Serge Benhayon who first taught me about self loving, self care and about true love. From this he then makes us realise there was a difference between having sex or celebrating the love that we are!
An interesting point you make here Alexandre, that a lot of men’s confidence and probably self-worth depends on them being identified with sex and aspects of that are performance, potency, virility and so on. My experience as a woman is that this identification on the whole stops men from being truly intimate and vulnerable with a woman and also cuts them off from their exquisite sensitivity. Therefore making love is not really possible, as love can only be made in being open and naked with another, no agenda. Women have their own story too of course. The work that Serge Benhayon is doing to support men and women to learn about self-love, and build a foundation of love within the body makes it possible for men and women to connect in love and intimacy and that is worth celebrating.
Thank you for sharing Alex. It’s refreshing to hear a man’s perspective on what it is like for you.
Thank you for sharing this Alexandre, I can see how this is so true. and Josephine’s point expands it. The deliciousness of two people who are not trying to be ‘good’ at anything but allowing themselves to be ‘open and naked with each other’ on many levels – not just the physical, makes for a deeper level of relationships and takes making love out of the bedroom and being about sex but into how we are with each other all the time.
Wow anonymous, what amazing honesty and realisation you have shared about yourself and the true honouring of ourselves that comes from living the love we truly are. We as women do have choices and choosing that we can make those choices is a real step towards love. Choosing to play the games and feeling we do not have a choice is all part of the game played and lived out in so many of our lives. Meeting love head on and living from there is the most honest true way and from this everything can change and a deep honouring of ourselves and each other is the result. This I am realising is something that is vital to our very being. Thank you for such a much needed expose of what is going on and the beautiful way this can change and for being a women with a choice!
Your step to make different choices and to honour yourself Anonymous is amazing. From this there is an honouring of your partners and everyone else. Understanding hurts and why we make the choices we do in life is so healing. Thank you for sharing.
A most beautiful sharing, thank you for being so honest, especially when it comes to our responsibility as women. It is far easier to hide behind the victimhood of it all, but that is not the truth in these situations.
Hiding in victimhood and self pity can be a great excuse to not take full responsibility for how our dilemmas stem from our choices.
And taking responsibility can be scary if you want to beat yourself up for all the times we messed up in the past, but beating ourselves up keeps us in the same old behaviours, and doesn’t support change.
Change can come about when we are open to accepting our past and learning from it to make a new choice today. This is how I have been able to turn my life around and not be stuck in what I did and playing victim to my own circumstances.
I also give myself lots of leeway, as in I am always learning and I don’t need to be perfect. I mess up and make mistakes but at least I am open to changing those old behaviours that seem like automatic reactions that I used, to stay a victim because on some level I was identified as a victim.
Even in identifying the fact that I did at times identify as being a victim is a massive bit of honesty to get too, but in getting honest I sense a whole lot of freedom.
Thank you Rosie for sharing the beautiful ways that you have fallen in love with yourself. Your honesty in this process and the way that you don’t beat yourself up and choose instead to allow for true learning, is inspiration for everyone.
A beautiful example, Anonymous, of how life changing it can be when we start to love ourselves. I too have come to feel that the greatest pain of all is the emptiness of being in separation to love, and that by developing a true relationship with ourselves and then with the world, the pain subsides and is replaced by joy and a greater commitment to life.
Beautifully said Janet and a wonderful reminder for us all.
Wow…how beautifully open and honest is your sharing…showing so honestly the responsibility choice brings us all…and how honouring what we truly feel in our bodies and not overiding this voice in anyway paves the way for getting to truth and being able to express this with love …and that by building on this respect for yourself and your own body you are also building a quality of love for yourself and in turn asking others to feel the same possibilities. I love the freedom that honesty brings, that when you chose not to repeat an old pattern what you received was the magic of seeing the truth of how our choices keep us separated from ourselves and everyone else…thus staying in the pattern of games and deceipt .. Robbing ourselves and everyone else of sharing with each other the love we truly are…. I continue to grow and be inspired by the many experiences shared openly and honestly in these writings … So thankyou for your contribution to my learning .
With love and appreciation
Chrissy
So true Chrissy – we learn and heal so much from one another when we share from the honesty of what we are experiencing. It is very humbling.
I love the title of your blog it is very empowering and like you have said shows we are not a victim it is just how much we say we are worth truly being loved and loving. It is really simple and clear when you see it this way.
Thank you Anonymous for sharing your personal story, which I can relate to in other areas of my life. I too have given my power away to others and still do sometimes. The cost is a chronic level of disempowerment. I have been supported by Serge Benhayon to understand and see this for what it is – not choosing ME and the love that I am. Indeed ‘I too am, a woman with a choice’.
Bernadette, I find the few words “….not choosing ME and the love that I am.” as the key focus this morning – very timely – thank you.
Anonymous what a brilliant blog and so timely as I have been reflecting on this too. How in the past it was a matter of getting sex over and done with, get it out the way, dismissing myself and my feelings in the process.The more I am able to see and feel that I am love makes it easier to honour my feelings. Women know when the time is right to make love, it is a coming together of 2 people from their livingness and not from a need or an urge. We are a women with a choice and the choice becomes easier and clearer the more we honour the love that we are. “I want to meet this love head on, say âHelloâ and welcome what love has come to teach me and move forward with this.” I so agree.
Thankyou for this bold and unapologetic claiming back of the woman you are so that you can be the love that you are, in full, for all. I think many of us have fallen into this trap of using another to fill the âvoidâ created when we walk away from the love within our hearts. Seemingly âlocked outâ and desperate for connection, we reach to others for what we deny ourselves â love. As we are the one who closed the door in the first place, we are the only ones who can reopen it. And thus, the door is never locked, itâs just really hard to tell when you are turned the other way.
‘And thus, the door is never locked, itâs just really hard to tell when you are turned the other way.’ – This is hilarious and so true.
I agree, hilarious Liane! Like we are fumbling around in desperation, in the dark and all we need to do is turn around and open the door. Love never leaves, it is only us who leave love.
Love can’t ever leave because it’s the very fabric from which we’re spun. How misguided are we then to feel that we live in a totally loveless world. We can’t understand why God allows such ‘loveless acts’ to happen constantly around the globe, totally missing the point that we are the living love of His body simply not choosing to be that which we are.
That is great. Brings you to a stop and a realisation, Duh!
I love this sharing Liane- that when you walked away from love its really hard to tell (or see) that you turned the other way. So true and thus it is easy then to live life as the victim or demanding this love from others.
So true Lianne and then we even get cranky at another for not sharing their love with us, because we are searching for the very thing we want the most when we have a whole well of our own love that we are not even aware of. Like you said, just turn around and open the door to your own love. The door isn’t locked, we just walked away.
It’s a choice or two away; what’s unfamiliar can sometimes be so so rewarding. At the end of the day it’s nothing new, just the way of where we come from – to be love and accept nothing less.
I like this Rosie – we demand the love from others, what we are not choosing for ourselves.
If I am with my own love, when another chooses not to share their love with me, it’s so much harder to get cranky. I am so full of love that I have understanding and acceptance of that other person. I’m not needing of their love as I’m filled up with my own. We really are responsible for our own love and when we fill our cups with our own love, we don’t need anyone else’s.
This seems to be how many relationships are Rosie. We have expectations on another to provide us with what we are not providing for ourselves. How many of us have been in that situation? Yes, many times. And yet, what we are looking for in another is actually already within us…right before our eyes.
‘..we are searching for the very thing we want the most when we have a whole well of our own love that we are not even aware of…The door isnât locked, we just walked away.’ This is beautiful Rosie, that we will never find love in another until we find the love that we are really looking for – which is the well of love inside of us.
So beautifully said Liane, it is unapologetic, the claiming is truly bold and strong. I agree, we do as women fall into a trap of using another to fill a void. We do create a reality that can be lacking in a true connection with ourselves and without this connection, we do reach to others.
When we close the door on love we cannot open it through another but through our own choice to open to that which exists in our inner heart.
It’s such a profound line “to open to that which exists in our inner heart” and I so appreciate I have this awareness so deeply known and felt in my body…. it’s only been in recent times that I have stopped looking for love and acceptance outside of myself and come to a self loving relationship.
Good point Liane – it is interesting that we seek for another to deliver us what we have denied ourselves yet can freely choose at any moment.
It is not only interesting, Deborah, that we seek for another to deliver us what we have denied to ourselves – it is almost impossible, as who can know better what we need than ourselves and secondly it is not the duty of someone to fulfill us. That’s not how it works.
Ha ha love it Liane so true, “the door is never locked, itâs just really hard to tell when you are turned the other way.”
This is so spot on Liane, in the obsessive desperation we whip up to fill a void we are always looking the other way, in fact the very moment we look out to find something to fill us we close the door! We close the door to the love within our hearts, to the very face of God. This is priceless!
‘and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly amâ â I love this sentence as it says so clearly that the love that we have in us helps us navigate through what is true for us and what not. So bringing love to ourselves by nurturing this love within us is the best medicine we can give ourselves. The more loving and caring I am with myself the more I can feel the love in my body, filling me up more and more building a solid foundation that then will help me ever more to make clear and loving decisions.
I, too, love this sentence and your comment Esther. The more I connect to and build this love within me so I am increasingly becoming more discerning that my choices are loving. An ever-expanding cycle.
Yes Esther and Jonathon what becomes apparent when I read that line ‘now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am – who we all truly are’ is that love is not a dormant substance that sits in the body waiting for a cuddle, it is an intelligence, a vibrant pulsating alive intelligence of the very highest order. When we realise this then it becomes clear why increasing the amount of love that we have in the body makes life easier and easier as we are becoming more intelligent on the inside and that then supports us to make decisions that are in line with love and only love.
A lovely description of what love is Alexis. I too appreciate how love evolves – it’s a responsibility to live more intelligently. Sex is repeating behaviour without the intelligence. It’s a choice do I settle for less and therefore feel the same old emptiness OR do I just accept the tension of my old ways, honour what is there, and make that choice to move on to more love. Keep choosing it is the key!
The thing is about sex is that we’ve fallen for it’s variety, our ability to ‘do it well’ and the level of pleasure that we can give ourselves and others. We get bamboozled by the stimulation and the identification that comes with sex but if we are ‘not there’ when we’re having it or if we’re looking to be validated, distracted, identified or entertained by it then it’s a pretty vacuous activity.
I love this sentence too Jonathan. How often do we search for love in another when it is waiting right inside us?
I get more and more aware if I take care of myself how this can turn a complicated situation into a simplicity. The effect is huge.
Anonymous- what an awesome revelation you have experienced and been made aware of – in playing victim you are not only hurting yourself but also not honouring another. You have raised an important point that sex is not lovemaking, and that we are all worth being honoured as we come from love.
“In playing victim you are not only hurting yourself but also not honouring another. ” This is not only in love making but any choice we make to indulge in self is thereby saying to another, who is equally the same as us, you are not worthy of this light / love / God. For example as soon as I beat myself up, go into self doubt etc I am basically affecting everyone else with those thoughts, we all come from one and the same so any attack on me is an attack on another.
Spot on Gyl, ‘…as soon as I beat myself up, go into self doubt etc I am basically affecting everyone else with those thoughts, we all come from one and the same so any attack on me is an attack on another.’ – our choices affect not only us but everyone around us. We can either ignore this fact because the responsibility seems “too much”, or accept it and begin to truly honour ourselves, for in doing this we honour all.
Yes so true Hannah and Gyl. I felt this very strongly yesterday. I was walking appreciating myself and could feel how me being deeply content with myself was such a blessing for all around me to feel. This exposes that being nice is not it, we can smile and be nice to other people but if we do not love ourselves it will never be truly supporting of that other person. It then just confirms it is ok to not love yourself.
Not really a comment here but a deep appreciation for the level of love and responsibility expressed here. Thank you Hannah, Gyl and Lieke deeply inspiring and a true way forward for humanity to heal all that is ill within it.
What you share here Gyl and Hannah, is absolutely powerful and with no room to escape. We just cannot make it about our hurts and doubts when we realize how everything we think, say or do affects all.
We are all worth honouring ourselves and honouring the other. Both men and women are very, very sensitive and treating both parties with love and dealing with the past hurts that may come up is a very healing process. It is also an enormous learning process – seeing and feeling the sensitivity of the other and ourselves and it can be a lot of fun.
Well said Christoph oh gorgeous husband on mine! It is truly beautiful to be in a relationship where we honour (1) ourselves, (2) each other and (3) our relationship – both respecting and nurturing all three and yes it is a great learning process and at times requires courage and commitment to deal with past hurts that come up along the way. However it is so worthwhile because every hurt we heal and every bit of unloving behaviour we let go of leaves space for more and more love and joy until I guess one day we will just explode!
It is gorgeous that the love you are beginning to feel is supporting you to embrace the fact that you are worth more than you have allowed up until now. Clearly with love as your guiding light, you can never go wrong.
Well said Samantha.
It is gorgeous and deeply inspiring. I always feel a great deal of joy when I read or hear about a woman claiming more of the delicate love she is within her life.
Yes and it is also beautiful seeing men reclaim their tenderness and true power.
Absolutely Samantha, lovely comment.
Well said indeed Samantha, it is a true guide because love is absolute.
With the increasing number of people experiencing low self-esteem and lack of self worth we may just have the answers here, every choice we make determines our level of esteem and self worth. Make loving choices and we are constantly confirming we are worth it, make unloving choices and we are constantly confirming we are not worth it. Simple yet true.
Self-loving and self-caring choices are absolutely huge for our self worth and levels of esteem. Just recently I noticed that in reaction to something in my life my self-caring behaviours started to slide, in that so too did my self-worth and self esteem. When the behaviours were re-indroduced after the reaction left so too did my self-worth and self esteem rise once more. Like you say Laura: Simple yet true. Rather than making it a mind thing and pep talking to ourselves as a way to combat these issues, which for some can be crippling, making our body and how we move and the quality we move in the focus is a huge shift in the paradigm of addressing this situation.
That is a great statement to make and something we could all do. It is so easy to settle for less than love but like you I have found it hurts and does not leave the body feeling content, which only comes from love.
Beautiful true words James, sex does not leave the body content, and so the cycle of looking for more is perpetuated, whereas love and making love nourishes the body and leaves it feeling content.
Wise indeed. It is little wonder we are never fulfilled when we seek a false to feel our empty space. The false is short lived and never leaves us whole.
Love is forever nourishing – it is enduring, effortless and natural.
This is so true Josephine, sex simply fuels the otherwise emptiness one is trying to replace from not filling themselves up.
Well said Marcia! Where sex may provide temporary relief, satisfaction or pleasure, it needs to be constantly fed/fuelled because it can never provide a person something they cannot provide themselves. Love on the other hand (whether or not this involves sexual intimacy) is expansive, never needy and simply confirms and builds on what is already within.
And no different to eating a chocolate bar or watching a stimulating movie if it is to fill up the emptiness we feel inside.
This is true Marcia. Sex also keeps us in the craving for more of it because it only temporarily fills a need momentarily. Whereas making love is a culmination of the loving choices before it and confirms the relationship. It is complete in itself and does not leave us craving to fill it again.
Very beautiful Josephine and James. Feeling content can only come from love as it is within us. There is nothing from the outside that can fill us up or make us content if we are not living the love we are. Making love is not something we do with an intention to get something, but it is a celebration of two people and the love they have for themselves and share with the whole world.
Yes Josephine, we can look for anything to fill the space when we do not allow and nurture love in our lives – sex, drugs, food, work – there is an absolute smorgasbord of things we can reach for, none of which leave us with a feeling of true contentment, only momentarily alleviating the emptiness.
Wow this is very revelatory, trying to fill an emptiness with an empty action does not work, it may placate us for a moment, like whilst in the action of eating we feel content but once the food is gone we are back to feeling the emptiness. The only true way to fill an emptiness and truly be content is to love oneself and others equally so.
Beautiful expression Jospehine and it is so true – sex leaves an empty feeling, making love in the love that we are is very nourishing indeed.
Yes, James – it hurts when we do something without love – when it comes to the physical act it is particularly obvious..
I agree James, it is great to make a statement like anonymous did here in this blog. To really write it down or express it verbally is very powerful. Way more powerful than just nominating it in our minds!
Our bodies know themselves to be love, they therefore know everything that is not love, as in every single thing. I was going to say ‘right down to the tiniest word said unlovingly’ but our bodies recognise what is not love well before the word even comes out of a person’s mouth because our bodies are reading energy all of the time. And energy is either love or it’s love that’s temporarily pretending not to be and that’s a fact.
I too ‘want to meet this love head on’ – No more ‘playing games’. My journey with being in any relationship and with ‘love’ being my choice now, I have so learnt that ‘expression is everything’ and to not hold back with what love has come to teach me and to now share in full. Thank you Anonymous a beautiful sharing to start my day.
I do agree Marion about wanting to meet love head on and no more games. Love is my choice now, it had been riddled with expectation, investments, settling for less and many other things they were not loving at all. This has been a slow journey back to loving myself and letting go of many hurts that has held me captive in those unloving behaviours. But it is feeling more and more amazing, the more responsibly I accept.
It is beautiful how you are so honest and open to yourself, and through this felt what was going on. There is no need to accept anyone to pour any of their problems into you or vice versa, it is great to really get to feel this, as then we can make a true change.
This is beautiful Anonymous, and what I really see reading your blog that it is not really about the question of why we can have sex when saying before we really do not want to, but about seeing in what way we are living with ourselves that creates this momentum of being with yourself in a unloving way that already sets you up to make the choice to eventually have sex anyway. And, that in this there is also a way of living that is the other way around! To live lovingly will predetermine every next choice we make to be loving as well.
Some would say that this is mind blowing Lieke and it might be challenging for our minds to grasp – but the wisdom in your words is so powerful – it stopped me in my tracks! We set ourselves up OMG and by living lovingly we can change that as like building blocks each loving step that we take leads to another AND another, whereas EVERY disempowering or unloving choice we make creates another and another. You’ve described it beautifully.
I agree with you Shevon with regards to Lieke’s comment. I have felt this before, how I lived in disregard years ago then made room for more disregard and unloving choices in my life and so on and so forth. But I haven’t never been so consciously aware of this in conversation as now.
Agree with you Shevon, great line of yours here Lieke and beautiful reminder of the way we live is then what we will choose, so changing the way we live changes our choices, simple: “To live lovingly will predetermine every next choice we make to be loving as well”
Agreed Shevon and Zofia, what Lieke has presented here is profound and mindblowingly simple âTo live lovingly will predetermine every next choice we make to be loving as wellâ
Yeah this is different to having a tough day or having a fight with your partner and then just having sex to relieve the tension of that and try to feel better.
Sometimes we are in such a momentum that those blocks just keep knocking over and its hard to stop to address all the hurts we carry. Illness and disease is such a blessing as it creates the Stop so needed here. It allows us the time to ponder deeply on our lives and to make the changes necessary for more love.
Shevon that is profoundly simple but I had not looked at it this way before. It makes so much sense, and explains many of my past choices.
Shevon I agree they are words of wisdom being shared by Lieke. We have it in ourselves to make the loving choices to then build on them as a building block, the foundation of loving choices. Or alternatively we can make choices which are disregarding and continue to follow that path.
I love what you have shared here Lieke, because you have a very valid point.
How are we living and what ways have we already setup (without awareness) that then lead to making these unloving choices?
In my past it was a familiar story as to what is shared here but these days I don’t find myself in these situations because I stop the events that would lead up to this a long long time before they could lead down this path.
I can celebrate in myself that I no longer see the event as moment of fate or a coincidence but rather, I see it as a result of ALL of the choices I have been making. Nothing just happens.
Well said Rosie – it is a matter of our choices not a matter of fate. It is scarily amazing to live like this and one that is so much more liberating.
AND it opens us up to so much more. We get to see and understand more about how life works when we live with responsibility KNOWING full well that we are creating and setting ourselves up for what’s ahead and that there is no fate, accident or co-incidence. Making wise choices all of the way is the key. Thank you to the writer of this blog and everyone who has continued the conversation this far, a very important one to have.
I echo that. There’s a huge slippery slope element to what has been shared here by Lieke et al. One poor choice leads to another leads to another and so on. Learning how to live lovingly gives us the foundation we need to stop the slide.
Exactly Rosie, I can totally relate to what has been presented also but no longer find myself in these situations because of the way I now choose to live and the level of love, respect and trust I now have as my foundation, supporting choices that build more love, respect and trust, rather than erode it.
Great point Hannah. In the past I would have settled for accepting things that I really didn’t want. Now even though situations have presented I have a much more solid foundation in myself and wouldn’t accept an intimate interaction like in the past that would have left me either needing something from another or eroding how I felt about myself.
I agree Rosie ” I stop the events that would lead up to this a long long time before they could lead down this path”. What is awesome about this, it allows your awareness to let you know what’s coming. The more you confirm yourself and feel this in the body with loving choices you are well equipped in truth for the next challenge.
There is also an element of giving ones power away if you choose to live by the ‘fate’ philosophy. That there isn’t a choice in what happens to us, that it is all random. It really does feel more liberating knowing that my daily choices are what contributes what happens in my life.
Wow such power expressed here Lieke. Thank you. “To live lovingly will predetermine every next choice we make to be loving as well.” When we live lovingly we make more loving choices thereafter. Thank you.
I agree Kelly, this is a corker of an observation… each moment adds to the quality of the next
Very powerful indeed and thank you Kelly and Lieke for spelling it out so clearly. Living by and having awareness of this will make a huge difference in all we will choose and say.
Well said Lieke to consider ‘in what way we are living with ourselves that creates this momentum’. If we do not know ourselves and allow life to live us then we are likely to say yes to a false choice.
If we know ourselves and are living with love and honour of ourselves, this will be the foundation on which we make our next choice and the next.
Absolutely Deborah, ‘If we know ourselves and are living with love and honour of ourselves, this will be the foundation on which we make our next choice and the next.’ I love what Lieke shared in her comment, so so true.
It can be much easier to make loving choices at the start of the path. For example, treating your body lovingly by gently massaging cream in after a shower is a much easier choice than one at the end of the path when you find yourself having sex when you don’t really want to. There may be a strong momentum of past choice that takes you down that path. The further you get down it, the harder it can be to make a different choice. But the small choices at the beginning of the path can be much easier to make and can open up new forks in the path.
‘Momentum of past choice’… yes, often we have a huge history behind us, a pattern of making choices that perpetuates an unloving path. Bringing consciousness to the way in which we live and the choices we make is the key to breaking unwanted patterns and momentums. The science of reincarnation, as per the Ageless Wisdom re-presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine is a fantastic tool for understanding why we are how we are.
The great thing is no matter haw far into the unloving way we are, at any moment we can make a different choice and even if it is a tiny self loving one, it makes a difference. This website alone is full of loads of examples of how people have turned their lives round significantly by just taking little steps one at a time.
Thus is the great thing Golnaz at any point we can make a different choice to be more loving, it us that simply. From one tiny self loving choice comes another and the ripple effect happens, soon or later most or all choices are self loving.
Spot on Lieke, great observation and exposing the level of abuse we often live in and are not even aware of. The normalization of abuse is the foundation for unloving choices. And abuse starts with self-abuse and the lack of care and love I have for myself. Not wanting to have sex comes from the knowing that it is about love and connection and then having it is the settling for less due to the momentum of our own abuse.
Only by choosing love for ourselves we can choose love with another. We are women with a choice, but the loving choice cannot be made in the moment when the question of sex or no sex is arising, but it starts long before in our daily living.
“Not wanting to have sex comes from the knowing that it is about love and connection and then having it is the settling for less due to the momentum of our own abuse. Only by choosing love for ourselves we can choose love with another” – SOLID truth, Rachel Andras.
I agree Zofia – another deeper level this blog has been taken too — accountable truth. I have admiration for all these women who have powerfully commented on this blog. There is much strength and sheer power to choose their sacredness and live being a true woman. What better way to do it then to renounce the difference between having SEX and making LOVE.
Great observation Rachel:’the normalisation of abuse is the foundation for unloving choices. And abuse starts with self-abuse and the lack of care and love I have for myself.’ Reading this I am struck by how ‘normal’ self-abuse is in our society, really it is the way most live which is extraordinary when you think about it. To abuse ourselves in so many ways is the norm whereas living self-lovingly is unusual and often takes time to cultivate in oneself. To actually learn to love, care and appreciate ourselves deeply is something most have to learn and then it is an ever deepening process that never ends.
“Abuse starts with self-abuse” – how true this is!! We just will not stand for certain levels of abuse, we we are not first abusing ourselves. So the antidote here is to get to know yourself deeply, build self loving and caring into your routine, this is definitely a good start.
Great point Lieke – we need to go to the heart of the issue to address the end result. I can definitely say that your words have been true for me.
I relate to what you have written, Lieke. It does make such a difference to take care for oneself and make loving choices in every part of life in order to build the foundation to be clear in more seductive moments.
Sex used as a sort of release for the abusive way of living is not fair to the partner.
Both parties have a responsibility as it is actually abusive to accept abuse. As Lieke so beautifully shared with us each choice we makes paves the way for the next choice. Therefore to enjoin others in harmful choices harms both parties and in fact many others but that is another story!
Beautifully expressed Nicola. There is no victim role – no matter what happened, we have said yes to it, therefore nobody to blame and as you say, both are always responsible for their actions.
Yes I agree Nicola, when we enjoin others in harmful choices we confirm it to be real for if nobody would make that harmful choice it simply would not exist. That is the power we all have.
No it’ s not and it is also not fair to self, as self and the partner are being treated in disregard to who they are.
Awesome point Lieke, in the past where was I and how disconnected to myself was I before making the choice to have sex even when I felt I didnât want to, and what un-loving choices had I made prior to the act of sex with another such as drinking alcohol. Now making more and more connected loving choices throughout the day, it would not be possible to have sex with another that was disregarding of them and myself.
Yes Thomas, if put like that it feels we are almost puppets to a much bigger game. We might think we make the choice to have sex when we did not really want to for instance yet the choice was already made long before that by how we chose to be with ourselves. Very power full our choices!
Wow Leike – that’s a power-full comment. I love how you described ” .. why we can have sex when saying before we really do not want to .. “. So true who really wants to have sex when you can make love? It’s a great marker of how much intimacy is in the relationship compared to your momentum of getting what you need. Amazing stuff !!
Beautiful Lieke. How we live with ourselves (and each other) each day predetermines every next choice we make to be loving or not so loving.
“To live lovingly will predetermine every next choice we make to be loving as well.” That is beautiful and absolutely true Lieke and counts for every aspect of our live.
Spot on Jane. The more I ponder it the more I realise the extent to which I have allowed abuse in my life, be it as ‘victim’ or ‘perpetrator’. And abuse need not look like what we talk about in the newspapers, though it certainly does include that: it can look as innocent as allowing small negative comments or a look, or not taking a jumper with us in case the weather turns. Self-care as you say Jane, and on a multitude of levels.
I relate to that too, the more I am connected to my self and treat my self in a respectful, nourishing and loving way, letting go of abusive behaviour or living in disregard, the more my body shows it to me and I am being reflected that all around me, which feels truly awesome.
That is very powerful, what you express here Lieke. It all comes back to our choices – lovingly or unlovingly and both create a momentum, which then lead to our next choice. I love it.
Agreed Alexander and all, our choices, lead to patterns of behaviour and if unchecked they take on a momentum of their own. Leading us to feel we no longer have a choice, when we always do if we are living a momentum we do not like, we can change it. It will not always feel easy, yet one considered choice after the next will slowly turn that momentum around and before we know it live in a way that we truly want and deserve. Lieke’s blog is a great reminder that this is possible.
I agree with you, Lieke. When I am certain about my choice everything and everyone is constelated according to this choice. I can be tested from time to time though-how true I am with my choice-and if I am the momentum is built and the next choice is easier to make.
You said it all Lieke more is not to be add – the only thing is we have to swallow this little bitter pill you offer us . . .
It is indeed that what we live and choose throughout our days that determines what we choose next. I have experienced this a lot, often supprised about my own behaviour, but it always came back to my previous choices.
You have summarised what anonymous has written so well in this comment Lieke. It brings it home that we cant talk ourselves better, we have to live in a way that is more honouring of ourselves, which will automatically lead us to different choices.
Thank you Lieke – yes I so agree with what you share here. I know that in the past the only way i have been able to give my power away to one situation is to live in a way where I naturally give my power away to all things.
We can look at sex and see it as a common topic to give in to or not, but the truth is we also need to be aware of how we are living in all areas of our lives.
That’s a good point Lieke, thus comes in the responsibility to stay in loving connection with everything we do in every moment and as you say it will predetermine or next lived experience.
This is beautiful Lieke! It is not about what happens in any one moment but what happens in every moment including those that lead up to those seemingly big choices.
It is such a great observation that you make. Lieke, that our choice in any moment is the result of a choice, or choices, that we have previously made. With acknowledging this it makes us aware of how important every choice in every moment is and that we are responsible for what we are experiencing in our life as it is a result of those choices.
Thank you anonymous for such an honest sharing of how we can take responsibility for our choices in relationships. When we do this there is no need for a victim or perpetrator just the opportunity to make a different and more honouring choice in the next moment, as we go around in circles. In this we we can bring true love into our relationships and sex can become lovemaking were two equal celebrate joy with each other.
A great thanks for this open sharing. I can feel how we choose having sex when we don’t feel worth of loving. And then try to fill the emptiness with making sex. We then use each other for a relief.
Beautiful, jennym â no victims or perpetrators. While these categories can be useful for understanding context, in truth we are in what we are in together, no matter our role. As you say it is all about the choices we make. It’s all about responsibility.
Having sex or making love with another person are two very different things. When we feel the love that we are and develop a relationship with another person and meet that love within them also then making love is a confirmation of the love that you are.
Very true Mary. As a man I can very much relate to the empty feeling that consumes me whenever I just “have sex”. It feels awkward afterwards. However, when I choose to connect and commit to my partner, and in the way I live in the rest of my life then the act of sex, which may or may not occur (it does not matter) leaves me with a completely different feeling. Rather I do not feel like something has left me, or empty, but rather expanded in the love I hold for my partner and myself.
I love what you share here adam warburton, I could really feel your natural and tender self within your words, sharing on how a truly loving relationship can be, which you are absolutely living as it is most definitely felt here. Thank-you for sharing from your tenderness for others to know and feel.
This really captures the essence of a loving relationship.. feeling ‘expanded in the love I hold for my partner and myself.’ – Gorgeous Adam.
I agree with you Abby in what Adam has said – the difference between sex versus love making is “not feeling like something has left me, or empty, but rather expanded in the love I hold for my partner and myself.” Lovingly and tenderly felt.
Very true Adam, the empty awkward feeling after having sex leaveâs me feeling disconnected and distant from the other person, feeling the need to pull away and re-connect to myself, in contrast connecting in love through out the day, and then meeting in that connection to make love or not.
I love the ‘or not’ both you and Adam have expressed Thomas. For many men â and women â there is no ‘or not’ option. Sex is often either a demand or an obligation: it’s something we often feel we need or have to do. Love is something else again.
Well said Victoria, I love what Adam and Thomas express here; that’s so beautiful, the pressure of a perceived necessary outcome is not there. The love can be expressed in many ways, and as long as it comes with the true and deep connection, it will be fulfilling and expanding and filled with true intimacy and a confirmation of the love and closeness.
Victoria I feel that sex is often an assumed part of a couples time together because of what has been lacking in the time up until getting into bed. Where as what Adam has so beautifully shared is that if a couple feel enriched by their time together then the love making might or might not happen but it n neither adds or takes away from what has gone before.
‘Love is something else again’. Profound words that can be applied to every interaction including those with ourselves. Every action, thought or feeling holds love, or not!
Very well said Victoria. The ‘or not’ is really not an option for the majority I would agree. There is an expectation with sex, or as you so rightly say, a demand or an obligation and it does feel you leaving empty. Making love on the other hand does not even need a physical interaction – just a coming together of two beings in true connection. How different this is, and very gorgeous and confirming of each other.
Very true Victoria. The repercussions of this ‘demand’ are horrific and far reaching. This article and the accompanying comments are extraordinary as we are showing just how abusive the accepted way of being with sex really is.
It’s great that we are having a conversation about sex and making love. I feel a lot of us would assume we are making love if we are in a relationship. But if the loving connection is not there through the day, then it is empty sex. As the men have so honestly shared, this actually separates us.
Fiona absolutely “if the loving connection is not there throughout the day, then it is empty sex” , this is so true, when true love making takes place the warmth and connection is felt throughout the day.
I relate to what you say here Fiona as I remember when I was in a relationship and it got to the end of the day and sex was the expected next ‘act’ how it already felt empty as nothing had brought us to the point or reason why we should be making love which is why it very rarely felt like making love as most of the the time it was just what we did because we were in a relationship and it fulfilled both our needs, rather than a celebration of each other.
So awesome to hear a man’s perspective of this Adam, thank you for sharing. There is such a perception that men don’t want to make love but just love sex, a very prehistoric game that boxes men but it is beautiful to hear men claim the truth that love is important to them.
Everyone wants love – it has nothing to do with gender!
Indeed Nicola, indeed. But I remember in late teenage years, early adult years and a bit more thinking that only women wanted loved and men could do whatever they wanted with love – take it or leave it. I realise now that is so not true.
So true, we all want love, male or female, boy or girl. Love is within us all equally.
So true Kirsty. I’m feeling we all have a great responsibility to each other, men and women, to not use each other and to not accept anything less than love.
This is so true Kristy. There is this ideal or belief that men are just into sex for the thrill of it. What Adam has so beautifully shared is the love we are all capable of and can share with our partners when we choose to commit and connect with each others love.
I agree Kristy, what Adam and Thomas have shared above about feeling empty and disconnected after having sex is so awesomely truthful and honest. Women often feel empty after having sex too, and how often do we, as women agree to sex just to keep our men ‘happy’, when in reality it actually is unfulfilling, lacks true intimacy and takes us further away from ourselves. Once we are aware of the difference between sex and making love this can then bring a beautiful new dynamic to relationships.
Kristy I feel that although love is what we all want deep down, it is not as straight forward as simply choosing it. What making love brings up for so many people is so uncomfortable that they would rather just have sex. I feel many people find the momentary discomfort that they may feel as they leave in the morning after having had sex a much more appealing option then what making love may expose in them.
What you share is very beautiful Adam. The fullness of love vs the emptiness of sex, from a man’s point of view. It busts a few stereotypes.
Sure does- Anne . It’s awesome to hear how a loving act can be between 2 people connected with tenderness, respect and equality, as opposed to sex as relief or to fulfill an emptiness.
It is so lovely Adam, how you describe your experience of the difference between having sex and making love is revealing, and it is great to have a man’s perspective on this sensitive subject. For me, it was always a feeling of guilt if I didn’t ‘have sex’ with my partner, little did I realise then, that it was my choice and it was not truly loving for either of us. I have also come to realise just how sensitive men are, and what they are really craving is that feeling of connection and expansion, and that can only come with building love for ourselves first, and then that love can be shared.
Guilt or obligation sex doesn’t sound so great in the light of day! Women might think they are doing what is expected but it leaves an ugly stain on the relationship. Knowing that whatever intention or motivation I have in my actions will affect my energy and anyone around me brings a much greater level of responsibility. Who wouldn’t want real love and connection over guilt and obligation?
I agree Adam, I used to hold onto ideals and beliefs about the act of sex as it was something that I had to be good at and perform in order to prove that I was a real man this was in total disconnection to me and to my partner leaving me with that feeling of is this it? Choosing to connect with me and to live with more love in my life has allowed me the opportunity to experience true intimacy with me and my relationships with others regardless of the outcome, this is such a gift.
As I was reading this thread I could really sense that in all of our (mens and women) desires for sex is a screaming out for true intimacy in all of our relationship, not just our partners and it highlights the lack of intimacy and trust we have with ourselves as a beginning point. It feels like a great place to consider what does intimacy really mean and is that a stepping stone to developing a more loving way with ourselves so that we are making love throughout our whole day.
Touché Jennifer! It is all about expressing who we naturally are in the first place and when disconnected from that, of course all sorts of emotional complications that are justified, even professionally, arise!
Yes Jennifer, the intimate relationship we have with ourselves is the one we share with our partners or not.
Adam, I feel you are talking about intimacy which is the nectar of love- its a 24hr a day event! I feel so much responsibility and commitment in the intimacy my husband and I share and as you have shared the expansion felt by both of us is amazing !
Thank you Adam. This is a beautiful and tender expression of the difference between having sex and making love.
It does not feel like love at all to be needy and make it all about the act of sex and not about the love, connection and holding of each other. It is a set up of settling for less and to many it is the norm to see sex and love as being this way when in fact true love and care in the relationship is so much more
So beautifully expressed, Adam and what pearls of wisdom for all of us in our relationships. Thank you.
Beautiful Mary. Why would we want to limit the love that we can feel for ourselves and others by settling for sex?
So true, Mary and Rebecca! The love that we are is worth honouring.
Absolutely Mary. Making love is also a confirmation of the loving moments and way of being with each other in the day to day activities. All of our time together creates the way we are with each other and the quality that then exists between us- no matter the activity.
Absolutely Johanna “Making love is also a confirmation of the loving moments and way of being with each other in the day to day activities”. This is making love.
Beautifully said Johanna08.smith, it is that quality we create in our interaction with another regardless of the outcome, this is true intimacy.
Totally agree Johanna, making love is an every moment occurrence. Making love in intimacy is the celebration of the love that is there.
At 71, and single, it is almost certain that I have never truly made love. Despite loving, and being in a loving relationship, I never loved myself in the way that I do now. That love is deepening , and Anonymous , I am beginning to really feel the appreciation in your words where you say that while you care for others and don’t want to hurt anyone, most of all you don’t want to hurt yourself. I don’t want to hurt me anymore either, and that may lead to others taking responsibility for their imagined hurts when I put my own self care before theirs.
Beautiful Catherine Bower, your living truth and practice of self-love is very inspiring showing that age itself becomes superfluous when there is love.
Such powerful writing in both this blog and these comments. It moves me to tears to read about people wanting to truly and deeply love and take care of themselves, to take respsponsiblity for their stuff and to not use humanity as a prop for themselves. It is simply stunning. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing Catherine that is truly beautiful to read.
Thank you for such an honest expression here – and it is so important to really feel the truth of that only by truly taking care of our selves first can we then support another to do the same.
That is so beautifully written Mary and also so true for me. I love the expression “I am making love” because it said it all for me, however the expression “having sex” describes it as what it is – it is only sex and that’s it. If this is it – you can have sex but if you want love and a deeper connection than you need to make looooooove.
Lovely Ester, you made me smile.
This is an awesome conversation, thank you anonymous and commenters alike.
The world has forgotten the art of intimacy and loving expression which cant be initiated or sustained with only an off/ on switch confined solely to the bedroom.
I agree Mary, having sex leaves us feeling empty and making love fulfils and confirms who we are, love embodied.
So beautiful shared Mary, when we feel that love within us and meet that love in another, it sure is a confirmation making love of the love we are together in our relationship. The making love is a blossoming of our relationship.