I am a parent, a female parent. I have a son and a daughter. I am married and my husband and I share many of the parental responsibilities equally. When my son arrived two years after our daughter, we naturally loved him equally, as we do our daughter… we see them as equal. Yes, they have different qualities because of their gender and who they are in essence, but at no point have we treated them as less or more because one is a girl and the other is a boy.
It is not about the sort of equality where we push boys to be passive, or get girls to compete with boys, it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true – no pressure or pictures or roles, rather allowing them to unfold with an understanding that both genders are equally significant and have their own expression and yet are, in essence, of the same origin.
However this is not common in the world… yet. Why are we still so caught up in roles, pictures of the way we need to act in our genders and in how we parent boys differently to girls?
I have frequently heard young boys being told to toughen up, not cry, to like fighting games and super heroes, to beat others in races or games, that they are no good at looking after their home, that it is normal to be rough, not want to be tidy, to not want to look after another person, to not wear pink, nor like flowers or beauty.
Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees? Does he not stare in joy at a flower opening up, enjoy the nurturing quality of a lovely shade of pink in his jumper, or snuggle up and enjoy the big caring arms of a parent?
Where did we get the idea that we support our boys by perpetuating these ideas; that boys should not show how they feel if they get hurt, that they need to harden up, not enjoy beautiful things, be aggressive, be physically dominant and win to get ahead?
A question for us as parents and mothers: what kind of men are our boys growing into when we role model in such a way?
My son, like my daughter, is gentle, so sweet, sensitive, caring, playful, enjoys beauty and order, with things being put away neatly. He is understanding, aware of others and when he has fallen, bumped, tripped, or felt fear in his life, I have my arms open equally with care and support, as I would for his sister.
If my son falls, he has the same physiological responses as my daughter does: his skin tears, there may be blood, bruises, tears and shock. Many of us adults respond in entirely different ways if this incident occurs to a boy rather than a girl; with a boy you often hear parents suggesting not to cry and to get up and toughen up, rather than offering a cuddle and care.
I have heard many conversations between women that are about the kind of men they would like to be with, or how their man is not fulfilling their idea of what makes a ‘real’ man.
Some criticism includes that men are:
- Messy, and do not clean up after themselves
- Irresponsible around the home
- Rough and careless
- Insensitive
- Can’t talk about their feelings
- Not gentle
- Do not understand their female partner
- Competitive and trying to get the upper hand
- Distant and distracted by hobbies
- Aggressive and dominating.
But hang on one moment, haven’t we as parents just endorsed all of these habits from a very young age in our boys? We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.
Do we really think that these habits are set through our gender distinctions and not through habitual cultural stereotyping and parenting, when all we need to do is observe a young toddler at a play group to observe these behaviours, traits and habits being instilled from a very young age? We, as mothers and role models, have a significant responsibility in how we support boys to become the true men that they are naturally born to be and are.
My young son is growing into an extremely loving, strong, steady and expressive young man who is not imprisoned by what society says he should be. He is very free to express who he is through what he feels is true within him. He is a boy, but as a parent it is not up to me to tell him what it means to be a certain ‘type’ of male, nor the man he should be in this life. That is for him to discover, express and choose.
I know from conversations that some parents and mothers fear that their sons will be hurt or excluded if they do not conform to what a man is supposed to be, so they make sure they encourage them to learn to not show their feelings and tell them to toughen up in the hope that this will enable them to get through life with less suffering and pain. This is without doubt one of the most disabling choices we can make as parents – to toughen up our children. This cuts our children off from feeling, which is in fact our ultimate strength. In choosing to not feel, we disconnect from who we truly are, and then there is nothing but sorrow, disconnection and a functioning way of being, rather than a truly fulfilling life.
We do not protect our sons when we seek this as a remedy – we instead perpetuate the status quo that does not support either gender. We are all born with a precious tool for life, our bodies. When we harden up and disconnect through not wanting to feel things, we are not able to connect so deeply with our bodies. The body naturally supports us when we are connected to it and when we cut off or numb ourselves, we are less able to express how we are feeling, and so neglect to truly care for ourselves or others.
My son may cry when he is punched, trips or is talked to in an aggressive way; he may at times feel isolated and not be accepted in a group because he does not join in the competition, fighting or name calling that is involved; he may feel the pressure to conform and join in with what is presented as ‘normal’ behaviour for a male. This is his choice; I do not make judgment either way, but I do take my job seriously as a role model and counsel as he grows and develops. I will be responsible and offer guidance and support as he encounters these pressures throughout life. I significantly will always be open to who he naturally is to support him to explore and hold these qualities as he so chooses.
As a parent I take this into consideration in everyday parenting – how am I within myself, what is the quality of our relationships, how my children are flourishing, are they steady and confident within themselves, do they feel free to communicate how they feel? These considerations determine the way I am with them as a role model.
In the long term, it is important to consider how I raise and support my son now. How will he develop in life, how will he react or respond to his experiences, will he feel confident and able to enjoy being himself and will he be able to engage in meaningful relationships, expressing the qualities he was naturally born with?
It is clear that supporting him to honour what he feels, confirming / encouraging the expression of his natural sensitivity, care and gentleness will enable him to find his way with these super powerful qualities intact and this can only support him and others. These qualities are often underestimated in society and often derided in a man. It does not make a man weak to be open to feeling what is going on in the world, within his body, in his relationships – it is a strength and benefit for himself and all others.
We are here to offer support and raise our children. We are guardians in their lives; our purpose is not to control, own or pander, it is to support them to make choices that offer the freedom to express, be responsible and empower themselves so that they live meaningful lives of purpose and value within their own sphere and within society.
Published with permission of my husband.
By Samantha Davidson, committed wife, mother and enthusiastic business owner, who is forever inspired by life, UK
Further Reading:
It’s a Boy! What is true gender equality?
Stitched Up
Gender based violence – where does it begin? Do we really want to know?
Raising Boys – Are we Imposing on Them?
455 Comments
I feel we get the idea that we need to harden up our boys in order for them to survive. Parents think they are doing the right thing, but if one generation of parents all decide to support their boys (and girls) to remain tender, what would they need protecting from?
“We are guardians in their lives; our purpose is not to control, own or pander, it is to support them to make choices that offer the freedom to express, be responsible and empower themselves so that they live meaningful lives of purpose and value within their own sphere and within society.” Samantha I would love to see every new mum, be given this quote to go home with, as would I love to see this quote on every playgroup, school door.
We are guardians not owners, when we think we own we think we have a right to abuse. True family is not about ownership, true family is exactly what you write here.
Samantha, this is such a great point; ‘We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.’
Samantha, this is beautiful to read; ‘it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true – no pressure or pictures or roles,’ I can feel in society there is so much set up for boys to be a certain way – from the clothes and toys on offer that seem to be aimed at boys or girls rather than at both genders, to the way we treat boys and girls in society. My very tender, young boy is often expected to act in a certain way and to say certain things which are simply not in his nature but which are what society considers boys should be like. When showing an interest in a shop filled with sparkly, colourful accessories he was told that that shop is for girls and when expressing his interest in going shopping he was told that shopping is for girls not boys – this goes against his nature and pigeon holes boys and girls rather than allowing them express themselves naturally.
“A question for us as parents and mothers: what kind of men are our boys growing into when we role model in such a way” I love your whole blog Samantha – we need more mothers to see through the illusion and express in this way. Every generation suffers when one does not stop the harm that stuck on repeat.
My goodness – that harm is devastating to us all. When boys and men are not allowed to be themselves freely and are restricted to a very constricted set of behaviours we all miss out on their natural exquisite tenderness and care. The true gentleness and care men hold is incredibly inspiring and it is a tragedy that they are not allowed to express it naturally so that we all perceive this as the norm, not the malformed expression that is the current expectation. What exactly is society so afraid of that it does not let men show this tender and deeply loving aspect of themselves?
When we raise our children from young to not see their gender as defining them and to enjoy expressing themselves then they are accepted by themselves first and foremost for who they are. That self-acceptance of the Love they are and the Love they are from is a foundation that supports them in whatever path and expression in life they take.
As with boys, so it is with girls. Being pushed towards pink when they may be drawn to light blue – not because of any gender orientation, just colour preference – and way more besides. What I like about this blog is that it reinforces how parents are not creators of the end product their children become in adulthood, but simply guardians of the adults their children will choose to become, with guidance on what is true by lived example, so that their children are free to choose, to learn, to grow and to evolve – and not become a cookie-cutter version of our own pictures of what ideal or right should look like.
Boys are naturally very tender and sensitive beings, it is through lack of allowing and nurturing these innate qualities that men grow up hard, tough, aggressive and unable to express the hurts that they truly feel. It is interesting that when it comes to a man holding a baby we often see the beautiful qualities appear, they are never lost, only hidden by an array of hurts unable to be expressed.
We are all deeply sensitive so to be able to honour this in both sexes from the day we are born is really really important. When we look around the generations and men have been asked and told to be tough it has resorted in the Women shutting down too as in this act we are saying it is not ok to be sensitive. We all have a role to play in being the deeply sensitive beings that we are.
Great call for a different way of parenting boys Samantha. This is one of the ways we start changing society: by raising our boys different, to remain the tender, sweet and caring beings they are. That is what the world needs.
If we all are in essence the same our expressions of that essence can contain the same sensitivity, tenderness and care no matter what the gender. Whilst the outside package might be different, if we have not been imposed upon in terms of what ideals and beliefs of how we should be we can have our own natural way of expressing ourselves.
When speaking to boys (and girls) aged 7 to 9 in the classroom about the innate sensitivity of us all and the fact that boys are equally as sensitive as girls, there is an absolute consensus and a confirming yes from the whole class in agreement. Sometimes there is a sense of surprise at the revelation, but I have always encountered an openness to discussing this topic as the truth is deeply felt.
When we see ourselves as innocent, pure and untarnished as a young baby – we’ll start to understand we are all equally beautiful and deserving of deep care. Truly it’s only fair.
‘Does a 3 yr old boy not hurt the same as a 3 yr old girl if they fall on their knees?’ A good point Samantha. And doesn’t a 30 yr old man hurt the same as a 30 yr old woman after an emotional hurt? Being ‘brave’ should not be seen as a badge of honour in our society.
Being brave asks us not to allow what we all crave inside to feel and be held in our truth which is our deepest levels of sensitivity.
Guiding a child does not mean I have to know everything or control the situation. It simply means to be myself, connected with myself always, express Truth without holding back. The reason why children like some people more than parents is because parents have this picture that children have to look up to them but the inspiration is there when this picture is intact, as parents in a ‘picture’ have lost themselves.
I love this insight into the parent/child relationship and the re-writing of the way we see it, bringing equality and respect to the forefront.
If the boy in the picture above does not retain his tenderness and sensitivity as he grows up then we have all failed him, whether we know him or not. We are all part of the problem and therefore part of the solution in supporting boys to retain their sensitivity.
Beautiful, Elizabeth. Dispensing further with any ownership we might feel about ‘our own’ children and opening up to the responsibility we all have to live a standard of parenting for all children.
The responsibility lies with us all. When we offer this to every boy we offer the loving tender man to the world!
When you see a child as who they are, and not who you think they should be, the door is open to the glory of that child.
Yes and the reflection is a call for us to embrace that way of living and expressing as well.
Samantha, reading this I can feel that boys are so rarely raised with this freedom to be themselves and to love and support others in the community; ‘it is to support them to make choices that offer the freedom to express, be responsible and empower themselves so that they live meaningful lives of purpose and value within their own sphere and within society.’ How different society would be if this was the focus for parenting boys.
The impact of toxic masculinity and the way we shape our boys into men is just beginning to be discussed. In the face of the high rates of suicide faced by men worldwide, we have to begin to question their experience of life.
It does not make a man weak to be open to feeling what is going on in the world, within his body, in his relationships – it is a strength and benefit for himself and all others.
An ability to express our feelings openly and honestly offers a consistent deep confirmation of who we naturally are and in turn establishes a bodily settlement that cannot be rattled by what goes on around us.
Under the current model of society we think we empower men to be in the strength and authority but in fact we are disempowering them and instead asking them to bury their feelings. Feelings they do not feel equipped to deal with anyway which supposedly do not matter as strength and provado matter more.
How men are today we have all contributed to it. It is poignant to acknowledge this and because we feel we want to change it all at once which is not necessary or realistic, we see a lot of what is unacceptable around. All we need is to acknowledge that this happens and to feel into the detriment, allow it. And carry on with life, observing what becomes different.
Great point Adele, what we don’t like or see in the way men are today is indeed a result of how they have been raised by society, no boy sets out to be shut down and aggressive.
‘An equality that allows both genders to express themselves as they feel to’ – no pictures of what being a woman or a man means, but just simply allowing ourselves, and all others, the grace and space to feel what this means for ourselves, and expressing from there.
It is so embedded in society that men need to be a certain way. To make space for seeing and living in relationship with men in their true qualities. I have to apply a lot of understanding and patience to myself whilst dispensing with these social ‘rules’.
I feel there are two important things we can do as mothers to support our sons. One is to not need anything form our sons, so they can grow up as they would free of women’s emotional needs. The other is that we deeply honour ourselves, so they don’t grow up seeing that compromise, sacrifice and contraction are normal for women and seek that in their partners.
We are not here to achieve goals, sales figures or win trophies but connect to our essence. When we do this we can support other people to do this too – this is true relationship and parenting is where we get to encourage that too. Our essence is everything and we should never forget that.
The stereotypes of how to raise girls different to boys are artificial creations of a world that has lost its way.
I think it’s really key to appreciate the true inner strength and stability that can be fostered by allowing boys and men to honour their feelings and not impose on them that they need to be super tough and not show any hurt.
True strength rather than toughness… yes, I agree, Fiona.
Fiona so true, how freeing would our children feel if they could grow up being who they are and not what the TV says they should be?
Allowing children their natural expression whether this is wearing pink or blue or playing with dolls or building blocks is fundamental in honouring them as person and allowing for their natural skills to shine though- so that we all may be inspired.
Every time I come to this blog the reflection of the child in the photo offers stops me every time, such beauty, tenderness and divineness; a reminder of where we come from…
Simply look into the eyes of this boy and know the true qualities of a man. There is no question and it can therefore only be a privilege to be a custodian of this tenderness, strength, wisdom and sensitivity.
Matilda that’s super inspiring, great to see the opportunity to truly support our children to be all of whom they are is nothing short of an amazing privilege.
“Boy to Man: Our Roles as Mothers” – is simply to be a deeply self-loving woman that deeply loves her boy, her man.. and the rest of those she shares and has a life with.
Parenting asks us to let go of these stereotypes we have lived and connect to our children’s true essence. If we do this with them, then surely we must also see we ourselves are not the behaviours we thought ourselves to be. Thank you Samantha.
I’m not technically a mother, but of course I come into contact with loads of children and it’s a great question in general – what is our role with young people? For me it immediately makes me sit up and take responsibility because these young people are watching us and gauging their future lives on what they see from us – so we really have a responsibility to live as true as we can and with as much love, care and integrity as possible.
Your son has a great mum who understands she is there to be by his side and not judge his choices, but to guide him when he needs it. There’s a beholding in your love, have you considered you could go into schools and discuss a different way for other parents who are struggling bringing up their children?
The inequality we are currently seeing in our global society in relation to race, religion, gender and sexual identity is very much fuelled by how many young boys and girls are being raised, and not honouring them for who they ARE and instead labelling them based on their gender, appearance, grades etc.
Samatha if we are to listen to our inner essence, what we feel and know is true and then parent and express from that then its amazing as you say how we can parent from any “gender” and raise kids to be who they truly are.
‘It is not about the sort of equality where we push boys to be passive, or get girls to compete with boys, it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true…’ Now this feels what living in equality should be like, each person and each gender living and expressing from their essence, without roles and ideals.
As mothers we are our sons and daughters first and foremost role models and as such are in a position to offer them through our caring and tender way of being with ourself and with them equally a true foundation that can support them to not be so influenced by the outside forces they will be subjected to, which begins when they start school or even before.
By nurturing their unique qualities we are allowing them to truly know themselves and the powerful beings they/we all truly are and to also see through the facade that most male and females are in fact limiting themselves by.