By the time I got to my first esoteric session I was completely worn out. I had a 2yr old son that I had chosen to do attachment parenting with; I was still breastfeeding, believing that this was the best way to parent. I was married to a man that worked around the clock, leaving me to the child rearing and housework. I worked very hard to be the best housewife ‘by the book’ and took my wifely duties very seriously. I based my self-worth on how my house looked, how good dinner tasted, and how cared for in the temporal sense my family was.
It was a constant cycle of exhaustion and loneliness, one that I was to discover was of my very own making.
I sat in my car one day and could not stop crying: for the first time in my life I was ready to ask for support and not keep trying to do it on my own. I made a phone call to a suggested ‘counsellor’ and made a booking.
I came into my first Esoteric Massage (and there were many with this particular practitioner) feeling very shy and unsure of what to disclose. From the very first session this practitioner showed no judgement, only a holding of love that I had never felt before.
My common theme throughout my many sessions was on my relationship with my husband. For me it was about pointing out all the things I found hard about the relationship – things he was doing that I was finding challenging. The practitioner in her incredible way always brought it back to me and my responsibility in the relationship. Throughout the sessions I was to discover an emptiness that dwelled within which had nothing to do with my husband but everything to do with me and my commitment to true love, life and truth.
She also had an amazing way to gently guide me to where the true issue lies, and from this point helped peel back the many layers that I had placed on top.
Never once with my many complaints about my husband did she suggest I should leave the relationship, she only ever guided me to go deeper in love for myself and take responsibility for the part I played in the relationship. This was done by showing me where true responsibility begins.
There was a definite pattern in my sessions and that was one of building more love for me. My practitioner offered space for me to feel that I could love myself first and from this point I would know my next move.
I would leave the session with much to consider, which opened up a whole new way of viewing life. I started to view life from inside me first, instead of my usual outside first. Seeing that what was happening within was affecting what was happening on the outer, I started to question why I allowed certain actions from others and discovered how much I didn’t honour myself as much as I honoured other people.
Another revelation came that I was living as ‘the perfect martyr,’ making myself busy, caring for others with no time left for me. I was basing my actions on what I perceived others wanted from me instead of allowing my actions to come from me. My very worth was based on what I perceived another thought of me. By choosing to live this way I conveniently had no self-love for me and could avoid the depth of my sadness.
Once this revelation was felt, I began to see that it was I who was putting the pressure on myself to be the perfect martyr, not my husband (which I had blamed him for). I see now how I was using this pressure to make my life seem a lot harder than it was. You could say I always viewed life with the ‘grass being greener on the other side.’ Discovering the game of martyr opened up the possibility that all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.
With this new acceptance that it was me who held the key to my own self-created prison, I entered a major turning point in my life. Now I am continuously discovering ways to keep the doors unlocked, and if one is locked, I know the key lies within me.
By Anonymous
Further Reading:
What is a Relationship with Myself?
Dishonouring Choices, Self-Worth and Their Impact on Everyday Life
Relationship Ripples
656 Comments
There are lots of wise observations here and the honesty you have expressed with is such a healing to read and reflect upon for my own life. Your final words about the key to heal ourselves is always within is really a statement of true self empowerment, and highlights how blame or placing responsibility onto others is a way we disempower ourselves so we don’t activate the needed healing or change. When that happens we are stuck in a repeating cycle. When we make the changes and stop waiting for the world to change around us we are empowering ourselves and experiencing true responsibility.
It is a wonderfull thing when we are able to see more clearly how we are living that is not supporting us including ideals, beliefs and patterns we are holding onto. Equally it is wonderfull when we completely let go of these and start to deeply cherish ourselves and others allowing ourselves to be who we truly are. What I would like to add here is that is it near impossible, or is impossible, to do this on our own, always a reflection is needed from another so we can clearly see the way and it sounds like your practitioner was a beautifull and true support with this.
Eliminating finger pointing, blaming, comparison and jealousy all take the “I” out of the equation and places us on the self illuminating path of our Soul.
Beautifully expressed Greg ✨
“all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.” A beautiful freedom to be who you are with the magic of self-love.
This is so beautiful to read, so inspiring too. Recently I’ve been willing to acknowledge and uncover more layers of being unwilling to go there, to love myself deeply and accept the pictures I’d bought into that said this will bring fulfilment, are all lies.
I’d blamed others for my emptiness when I knew love all along. Even though it wasn’t reflected back by those around me, it is now and it’s a wonderful journey returning to living this love and realising it was always there. Sure, it can be painful at times feeling what I’d walked away from, but I can’t stay in what wasn’t love and returning feels amazing, beyond any hopes that were fed by the pictures I’d believed in.
Karin, I understand exactly what you are saying because for years I blamed other people convinced I was the victim of life, when actually I had set myself up to fail so that I could further cement my wretchedness to myself. I discovered this is a complete set up for another wasted life because I could not admit I was the one who had walked away from the love of God.
What a combination of perceptions and they all seem to fit into the judge-ment range of ideals and beliefs we carry around that can wear us out, the same as any baggage, as anything less than our innate essences will be burdensome.
Bringing the responsibility for my life back to myself feels very liberating and inspiring as I don’t have to wait around for another to change things. There’s no-one to blame (including myself) and get sucked into that spiral. I just have to choose to act on my responsibility.
It’s such a common perception that we will be loved and accepted for what we do for others, and when it doesn’t come back that way we can feel very hurt or blaming. Life is much simpler when we take care of loving ourselves first and then share that love with others. It’s something I’m still working on and breaking down, sometimes the pictures and expectations are so strong that love will come back to me that it feels like I’ve been hooked into believing something that is akin to an illusion.
It’s amazing that you had a practitioner who showed you lovingly all the choices you made. I can relate to a lot you have stated about yourself. Taking “Responsibility” to another level and letting go of doing it “Right and Alone”. You turned it all around, bit by bit and it’s a constant process. Inspiring..
“Another revelation came that I was living as ‘the perfect martyr,’ making myself busy, caring for others with no time left for me. ” I recognise this one too – especially in my days of mothering young children. Is this a particularly female trait i wonder?
I am just wondering how many of us base our self worth on what we do or what we look like rather than who we truly are? ‘I based my self-worth on how my house looked’. This is an inspiring blog to read, in fact an inspiring website to read https://www.womeninlivingness.com/single-post/Embracing-Self-Worth ?
‘It was a constant cycle of exhaustion and loneliness’ this just goes to show how ticking boxes does not work! Learning instead to come back to love from within and connection to the truth of who we are is the only true way forward ✨
We have I’m sure all felt that if only someone or something would change the world would right its self we would be okay. Not many of us are prepared or may be even consider that the life we lead is of our own making I know so many people who feel they are a victim of life and circumstances beyond their control. I know from my own experience that when we are ready to admit that actually we have stuffed up we are not a victim of life this is the baby steps to healing the hurts that we carry that then burden us with these beliefs and ideals.
It’s so easy to blame our circumstances, yet we made the choices that led us to this state. I use to have the ‘if only’ trait, yet when and if that occurred I still didn’t feel complete. Such a huge contrast to today, dealing with my hurts, and now feeling so appreciative of my life and feel very blessed – after so many years of ‘striving and trying’ – which brought me nothing.
‘I sat in my car one day and could not stop crying: for the first time in my life I was ready to ask for support and not keep trying to do it on my own.’ It’s sad that we have to reach such a point in our lives to finally be able and willing to ask for support. I can really relate with what you have shared here although feel I am getting a lot better at this the more I love and care for me.
‘Discovering the game of martyr opened up the possibility that all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.’ I can often pretend the mess I’ve created is too great for me to walk out of. Reading this I realise actually self-love is the key and it doesn’t matter how it looks if I’ve learned the lessons.
How great that you had such an amazing practitioner, we need more practitioners like this, ‘she only ever guided me to go deeper in love for myself and take responsibility for the part I played in the relationship. This was done by showing me where true responsibility begins.’
Every relationship has amazing possibilities whether it is with a lover, a family member or stranger if we ourselves are love, then the possibilities are endless
There is never any reason to be glum with anything that happens to us in life, because when we accept that everything is a new opportunity to learn and grow, our relationship with ourselves can only blossom.
gorgeous pondering, Gill. Learning and growing without going into blame of others or even ourselves is the true observation
Through building a relationship with ourselves we learn our worth, we learn to trust ourselves and know that we are not bad people or horrible beings just for making mistakes or choices which may be unloving – building a strong relationship with ourselves allows us to see these things, understand why we do them and move on with grace, empowerment and a lack of judgement.
The change from the cycle of exhaustion and loneliness to a cycle of love and acceptance is very powerful to feel in the writing here, it is definitely a life changing experience.
Building a foundation with ourselves and our connection to knowing the love we are is the only way forwards that makes sense. We can show a great picture to the rest of the world, but without that foundation, it is totally false and empty.
Yes, a strong foundation of love for ourselves is a necessary prerequisite for all other relationships in our lives.
The love we have for ourselves is what we take out into the world and vice versa.
The words are thrown around endlessly, we preach about self love, self respect and the likes. I have had conversations with people who inspire me beyond imaginable about the importance of valuing ourselves, but until we connect to that ourselves, until we feel it running in the nucleus of our cells, we cannot imagine let alone comprehend the enormous impact of true self-worth.
Wow Viktoria, yes nucleus of our every cell brings about transformation of our whole body hence the body we belong to, universe
It is so common if we are not first full with love from our relationship with ourself to point the finger and blame another for how we feel. It may not always be easy (although it should be!) to ask for support and be willing to look within and at our life and how we are living but as you show here when we start to do this, in other words take responsibility for our life and actions, then it definitely does pay to do so.
Thank you Anonymous this phrase ‘it was I who was putting the pressure on myself to be the perfect martyr,’ rang a deeper chord in me today and I can see how this has been lurking under the surface and allowing for confusion to reign in my life. This is inextricably linked with the feeling of lack of self worth and the reaching for food in order to dull this awareness.
Making the commitment to “building a relationship with myself” would have to be the greatest gift I have ever given to myself. This is the paramount relationship in all our lives, as how can we build relationships with others if we are not living in harmony with, and love for, ourselves. I love how this relationship is a beautiful work in progress, always deepening and always expanding, and with it my foundation for life becomes stronger and steadier by the day.
I love the simplicity of my relationship with myself, it’s just me and what is inside me, no complications, no arguments needed just to come inside and feel the stillness of this love.
Yep, and then we can move in that quality to express the relationship we have inside in life as a whole.
If we can be lonely in a relationship, clearly there has to be more to the investments we make and ideals we feed that finding that perfect partner will make life all rosy. It makes sense, that all relationships have to start with the one with ourselves first and from there every other relationship can flourish. We really do need to be shown this from little.
Amazing just how much we can let go and express ourselves when no judgement is present – perhaps when we do not feel judged by someone else we also let go of the judgement we have of ourselves.
So many times I saw my mother wanting to be perfect in every way, getting up at 3am and going to bed after 10pm wanting to be on the top of everything, when things could have been dealt with differently.
Looking after, caring for, loving and accepting ourselves can always seem to go deeper wherever we are with it.
The building of love is a commitment to self and a necessary commitment in our unfolding. Building love builds confidence to build more love in the body and the cycle continues, a deepening of the love that we are.
I love the photo that goes with this article, the woman in the picture feels full of love and joy. Very beautiful and inspiring to see.
‘With this new acceptance that it was me who held the key to my own self-created prison, I entered a major turning point in my life.’ I love this. That we don’t need to wait for anyone to unlock us from our own prison, we have the key all of the time, we keep ourselves stuck, create situations that trip us up, dramas to react to, rules to keep ourselves small with. The key is in our hands to walk free.
Anonymous, this is really interesting; ‘ I started to view life from inside me first, instead of my usual outside first. Seeing that what was happening within was affecting what was happening on the outer.’ What this makes me realise is that trying to fix the outer and those around us does not work, because the outer is a reflection of what is happening on the inside. So working on ourselves and our inner world is key and this then affects everything else.
‘…she only ever guided me to go deeper in love for myself and take responsibility for the part I played in the relationship.’ This is the ultimate form of responsibility, isn’t it? We need to learn this form young rather than stepping into the blame game.
The relationship I have with myself is the basis of all things. From that I can have a
Deeply loving relationship
With my family
The relationship we have with ourselves is what we bring to all relationships, from so deepening that means enriching all our relationships.
“Building a Relationship with Myself” – based on and deepened in love this is the best gift we can give ourselves and those around us.
There is not limit to this and the greatest gift that keeps on giving time and time again.
It is the best gift we can give ourselves, and a gift that brings us back to the gloriousness of who we are – now THAT is a gift that keeps on giving 🙂