By the time I got to my first esoteric session I was completely worn out. I had a 2yr old son that I had chosen to do attachment parenting with; I was still breastfeeding, believing that this was the best way to parent. I was married to a man that worked around the clock, leaving me to the child rearing and housework. I worked very hard to be the best housewife ‘by the book’ and took my wifely duties very seriously. I based my self-worth on how my house looked, how good dinner tasted, and how cared for in the temporal sense my family was.
It was a constant cycle of exhaustion and loneliness, one that I was to discover was of my very own making.
I sat in my car one day and could not stop crying: for the first time in my life I was ready to ask for support and not keep trying to do it on my own. I made a phone call to a suggested ‘counsellor’ and made a booking.
I came into my first Esoteric Massage (and there were many with this particular practitioner) feeling very shy and unsure of what to disclose. From the very first session this practitioner showed no judgement, only a holding of love that I had never felt before.
My common theme throughout my many sessions was on my relationship with my husband. For me it was about pointing out all the things I found hard about the relationship – things he was doing that I was finding challenging. The practitioner in her incredible way always brought it back to me and my responsibility in the relationship. Throughout the sessions I was to discover an emptiness that dwelled within which had nothing to do with my husband but everything to do with me and my commitment to true love, life and truth.
She also had an amazing way to gently guide me to where the true issue lies, and from this point helped peel back the many layers that I had placed on top.
Never once with my many complaints about my husband did she suggest I should leave the relationship, she only ever guided me to go deeper in love for myself and take responsibility for the part I played in the relationship. This was done by showing me where true responsibility begins.
There was a definite pattern in my sessions and that was one of building more love for me. My practitioner offered space for me to feel that I could love myself first and from this point I would know my next move.
I would leave the session with much to consider, which opened up a whole new way of viewing life. I started to view life from inside me first, instead of my usual outside first. Seeing that what was happening within was affecting what was happening on the outer, I started to question why I allowed certain actions from others and discovered how much I didn’t honour myself as much as I honoured other people.
Another revelation came that I was living as ‘the perfect martyr,’ making myself busy, caring for others with no time left for me. I was basing my actions on what I perceived others wanted from me instead of allowing my actions to come from me. My very worth was based on what I perceived another thought of me. By choosing to live this way I conveniently had no self-love for me and could avoid the depth of my sadness.
Once this revelation was felt, I began to see that it was I who was putting the pressure on myself to be the perfect martyr, not my husband (which I had blamed him for). I see now how I was using this pressure to make my life seem a lot harder than it was. You could say I always viewed life with the ‘grass being greener on the other side.’ Discovering the game of martyr opened up the possibility that all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.
With this new acceptance that it was me who held the key to my own self-created prison, I entered a major turning point in my life. Now I am continuously discovering ways to keep the doors unlocked, and if one is locked, I know the key lies within me.
By Anonymous
Further Reading:
What is a Relationship with Myself?
Dishonouring Choices, Self-Worth and Their Impact on Everyday Life
Relationship Ripples
600 Comments
‘Discovering the game of martyr opened up the possibility that all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.” What a life-changing discovery this was for you as it was for me. I know the martyr so well, the victim, who blames everyone else but struggles to acknowledge their responsibility in relationships. But how amazingly life can change when we own that responsibility and begin to live it.
It makes sense that our most fundamental and important relationship we have, is the one with ourselves first. From this the quality of all our interactions with others will follow.
Moving or walking in our essences changes the way we perceive all of life so we can through our observations develop a deeper awareness and that shines a light on our responsibilities.
“By the time I got to my first esoteric session I was completely worn out. I had a 2yr old son that I had chosen to do attachment parenting with; I was still breastfeeding, believing that this was the best way to parent” – The best thing about Esoteric Yoga is that it teaches you how to parent yourself from your own realisations that you receive from your body and from this develop a relationship that truly supports it and you.
Many of us do feel an emptiness inside, and try alll sorts of ways to fill it, food, blame, all sorts of distractions and yet it is impossible to feel full unless we make it about our relationship with ourselves and heal what we have developed as hurts.
It’s great you mentioned that acceptance is key as it often the fact that we created our own situation that is the hardes to accept and we avoid feeling it in any way. Even though it is the only way out of our situation.
“Building a Relationship with Myself” – I understood what relationship with myself was when I understood what the quality of stillness was, and how this quality supports in me feeling steady and honest about myself, in relationships and in life too.
When you read an article like this it is clear that it makes no sense to do anything but build a relationship with ourselves and our bodies. We neglect a true relationship with ourselves and so doing we miss on the true gold in life. Love is from within not given and taken, we live, we know it, and thus starts from our body.
It’s interesting how when we are disgruntled with ourselves we can easily look outside and blame others without realising that it’s not them it’s us.
It can happen so quickly, true empowerment is self responsibility, when we look outside to fix, blame get attention we are puppets to our emotions and will be at the mercy of them. Self responsibility makes space for us to serve, learn, heal and grow. No need or waiting of others, we can change if we chose it.
We get so busy doing nothing so we don’t have to feel. This means the gorgeous essence of our heart gets hidden in the dark.
That is one the of the most loving things we can do is keep bring it back to ourselves and reflecting our responsibility in what ever the situation. The honesty that is required for this is very deep and we can’t get to that unless we are willing to truly care and nurture ourselves.
It takes quite a turn around to always first look at my life and how I have been living and not point my finger at the other.
“Discovering the game of martyr opened up the possibility that all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.” It is Ah ha moments like this that can turn our life around and begin to build true and loving relationships with ourselves and from there with others. To know we have the key and that we have been playing a game of martyrdom is a big ouch but also a huge release.
How extremely fortunate that your first practitioner/counsellor was someone who understood the energetic flow and consequences of life and our decisions
We make life about blaming other people, when in truth the real responsibility for the whole thing lies with us. The cool part though is in returning our focus back to our being, we also stop the constant distraction away from giving ourselves Love.
Blame is a big issue, we can direct our emotions on to others, while not realising how harmful it is, where it is said to someone’s face or, or just stewed in for years and it so disempowering for ourselves.
Building love and a loving relationship with yourself is first and foremost a loving discipline where we learn to see what is not love and say no it. Refinement over refinement.
Being a martyr is the opposite of being the captain of your life taking responsibility of everything that happens in life. Perhaps more confronting but so much more powerful.
“Building a relationship” – it can be any old relationship to settle (less) for, or it can be a relationship which has a quality to it where settling is never an option due to the evolution that it inspires.
The confirmation of who we are will never be found in what we do or in the world as everything we already are is known through our connection to our essence, the love we are, our Soulful light.
This is so true Carola, ‘The confirmation of who we are will never be found in what we do.’ Try as we might, we can push and drive ourselves into exhaustion and still never find ourselves by looking outside of us. It’s time we look within and deepen our connection.
Indeed seeking validation of our worth to the degree that we care for others can be exhausting. On the other hand when we care equally for ourselves then there is no draining effort in caring for others.
Building a relationship with ourselves simply goes on and on, because as something changes in our lives, we have new things to work on. And there is so much changing all the time, it is an endless and so very rewarding process to love ourselves more deeply.
Yes beautifully said Gill – the unfolding, embodying and reflection of our love through the lives we live is a constant inspiration to continue to deepen.
To build and build is the joy of every relationships, no limits but the exquisite deepening that is on offer for all to appreciate.
It seems that we can often get stuck in a way of thinking that puts the blame onto other people and then leaves us in this powerless state waiting for someone else to change, with nowhere to go. What I have come to realise is that if I do have a problem with someone it’s far less painful if I ask what this is showing me and where is my responsibility. By asking myself those sorts of questions it changes the intensity of the thoughts and the strong resentment that would be directed at someone else, which never feels great. Then eventually it will come to me what it is that I need to learn from and then I feel lighter as the intensity lifts.
Building a self-loving relationship with myself is the best gift I’ve given myself for what the unwrapping brings and continues to bring – deepening love, and a truer love to share.
To quote Leonardo da Vinci “One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself.”
To show the value and might of responsibility is to take health and wellbeing into our own hands.
A huge smile came across my face when I read this – “Now I am continuously discovering ways to keep the doors unlocked, and if one is locked, I know the key lies within me.” What a life journey to be on, knowing that whatever comes your way (self-generated or not), we have the answers (with the key) within us all the time.
There is a form of selflessness that gains a lot of praise, although I have found this form to be somewhat lacking in ones own of self-care.
If there’s any semblance of blame you know you are off and usually it’s because you haven’t been looking after yourself.
We worship sport yet the biggest game we ignore is the idea that we are what we do. If we subscribe to this we can’t help but get played.
Quite a few years ago, I had a huge light bulb moment when pondering on the relationships I had been in over the years, relationships that I considered, had failed. I could see so clearly that I had blamed my partners for many of the problems we encountered and hadn’t honestly looked at my part. The moment when I acknowledged that in all the relationships I was the common denominator, was the moment I realised I did not know how to have a relationship with myself, and from that knowing began the most wonderful journey to get to know me.
Having a sound relationship with myself is what I take into my relationship with others – for example – how honest can I be with myself will be how honest I can be with every other I meet.
The sessions from esoteric healing practitioners offer so much more than just counselling. I can feel how so much comes up for me leading up to a session to be discussed and released and then from the point I can feel I am open to so much more of myself and taking this into my next steps in life.
I truly love the fact that there is so much love available when we begin to deeply care for ourselves in every way in life.
These levels of love are offering others the reflection to feel the same and with this comes the responsibility to live the true self that is on offer to all.
Agreed Carmen, I grew up thinking I had to be loved by someone else and yet now I realise that its about being love myself that is key.
Unlocking the door to sadness opens the door to harmony and what a blessing it is to feel harmony within our bodies.