By the time I got to my first esoteric session I was completely worn out. I had a 2yr old son that I had chosen to do attachment parenting with; I was still breastfeeding, believing that this was the best way to parent. I was married to a man that worked around the clock, leaving me to the child rearing and housework. I worked very hard to be the best housewife ‘by the book’ and took my wifely duties very seriously. I based my self-worth on how my house looked, how good dinner tasted, and how cared for in the temporal sense my family was.
It was a constant cycle of exhaustion and loneliness, one that I was to discover was of my very own making.
I sat in my car one day and could not stop crying: for the first time in my life I was ready to ask for support and not keep trying to do it on my own. I made a phone call to a suggested ‘counsellor’ and made a booking.
I came into my first Esoteric Massage (and there were many with this particular practitioner) feeling very shy and unsure of what to disclose. From the very first session this practitioner showed no judgement, only a holding of love that I had never felt before.
My common theme throughout my many sessions was on my relationship with my husband. For me it was about pointing out all the things I found hard about the relationship – things he was doing that I was finding challenging. The practitioner in her incredible way always brought it back to me and my responsibility in the relationship. Throughout the sessions I was to discover an emptiness that dwelled within which had nothing to do with my husband but everything to do with me and my commitment to true love, life and truth.
She also had an amazing way to gently guide me to where the true issue lies, and from this point helped peel back the many layers that I had placed on top.
Never once with my many complaints about my husband did she suggest I should leave the relationship, she only ever guided me to go deeper in love for myself and take responsibility for the part I played in the relationship. This was done by showing me where true responsibility begins.
There was a definite pattern in my sessions and that was one of building more love for me. My practitioner offered space for me to feel that I could love myself first and from this point I would know my next move.
I would leave the session with much to consider, which opened up a whole new way of viewing life. I started to view life from inside me first, instead of my usual outside first. Seeing that what was happening within was affecting what was happening on the outer, I started to question why I allowed certain actions from others and discovered how much I didn’t honour myself as much as I honoured other people.
Another revelation came that I was living as ‘the perfect martyr,’ making myself busy, caring for others with no time left for me. I was basing my actions on what I perceived others wanted from me instead of allowing my actions to come from me. My very worth was based on what I perceived another thought of me. By choosing to live this way I conveniently had no self-love for me and could avoid the depth of my sadness.
Once this revelation was felt, I began to see that it was I who was putting the pressure on myself to be the perfect martyr, not my husband (which I had blamed him for). I see now how I was using this pressure to make my life seem a lot harder than it was. You could say I always viewed life with the ‘grass being greener on the other side.’ Discovering the game of martyr opened up the possibility that all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.
With this new acceptance that it was me who held the key to my own self-created prison, I entered a major turning point in my life. Now I am continuously discovering ways to keep the doors unlocked, and if one is locked, I know the key lies within me.
What is a Relationship with Myself?
Dishonouring Choices, Self-Worth and Their Impact on Everyday Life
There are lots of wise observations here and the honesty you have expressed with is such a healing to read and reflect upon for my own life. Your final words about the key to heal ourselves is always within is really a statement of true self empowerment, and highlights how blame or placing responsibility onto others is a way we disempower ourselves so we don’t activate the needed healing or change. When that happens we are stuck in a repeating cycle. When we make the changes and stop waiting for the world to change around us we are empowering ourselves and experiencing true responsibility.
It is a wonderfull thing when we are able to see more clearly how we are living that is not supporting us including ideals, beliefs and patterns we are holding onto. Equally it is wonderfull when we completely let go of these and start to deeply cherish ourselves and others allowing ourselves to be who we truly are. What I would like to add here is that is it near impossible, or is impossible, to do this on our own, always a reflection is needed from another so we can clearly see the way and it sounds like your practitioner was a beautifull and true support with this.
Eliminating finger pointing, blaming, comparison and jealousy all take the “I” out of the equation and places us on the self illuminating path of our Soul.
Beautifully expressed Greg ✨
“all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.” A beautiful freedom to be who you are with the magic of self-love.
This is so beautiful to read, so inspiring too. Recently I’ve been willing to acknowledge and uncover more layers of being unwilling to go there, to love myself deeply and accept the pictures I’d bought into that said this will bring fulfilment, are all lies.
I’d blamed others for my emptiness when I knew love all along. Even though it wasn’t reflected back by those around me, it is now and it’s a wonderful journey returning to living this love and realising it was always there. Sure, it can be painful at times feeling what I’d walked away from, but I can’t stay in what wasn’t love and returning feels amazing, beyond any hopes that were fed by the pictures I’d believed in.
Karin, I understand exactly what you are saying because for years I blamed other people convinced I was the victim of life, when actually I had set myself up to fail so that I could further cement my wretchedness to myself. I discovered this is a complete set up for another wasted life because I could not admit I was the one who had walked away from the love of God.
What a combination of perceptions and they all seem to fit into the judge-ment range of ideals and beliefs we carry around that can wear us out, the same as any baggage, as anything less than our innate essences will be burdensome.
Bringing the responsibility for my life back to myself feels very liberating and inspiring as I don’t have to wait around for another to change things. There’s no-one to blame (including myself) and get sucked into that spiral. I just have to choose to act on my responsibility.
It’s such a common perception that we will be loved and accepted for what we do for others, and when it doesn’t come back that way we can feel very hurt or blaming. Life is much simpler when we take care of loving ourselves first and then share that love with others. It’s something I’m still working on and breaking down, sometimes the pictures and expectations are so strong that love will come back to me that it feels like I’ve been hooked into believing something that is akin to an illusion.
It’s amazing that you had a practitioner who showed you lovingly all the choices you made. I can relate to a lot you have stated about yourself. Taking “Responsibility” to another level and letting go of doing it “Right and Alone”. You turned it all around, bit by bit and it’s a constant process. Inspiring..
gorgeous pondering, Gill. Learning and growing without going into blame of others or even ourselves is the true observation
“Another revelation came that I was living as ‘the perfect martyr,’ making myself busy, caring for others with no time left for me. ” I recognise this one too – especially in my days of mothering young children. Is this a particularly female trait i wonder?
I am just wondering how many of us base our self worth on what we do or what we look like rather than who we truly are? ‘I based my self-worth on how my house looked’. This is an inspiring blog to read, in fact an inspiring website to read https://www.womeninlivingness.com/single-post/Embracing-Self-Worth ?
‘It was a constant cycle of exhaustion and loneliness’ this just goes to show how ticking boxes does not work! Learning instead to come back to love from within and connection to the truth of who we are is the only true way forward ✨
We have I’m sure all felt that if only someone or something would change the world would right its self we would be okay. Not many of us are prepared or may be even consider that the life we lead is of our own making I know so many people who feel they are a victim of life and circumstances beyond their control. I know from my own experience that when we are ready to admit that actually we have stuffed up we are not a victim of life this is the baby steps to healing the hurts that we carry that then burden us with these beliefs and ideals.
It’s so easy to blame our circumstances, yet we made the choices that led us to this state. I use to have the ‘if only’ trait, yet when and if that occurred I still didn’t feel complete. Such a huge contrast to today, dealing with my hurts, and now feeling so appreciative of my life and feel very blessed – after so many years of ‘striving and trying’ – which brought me nothing.
‘I sat in my car one day and could not stop crying: for the first time in my life I was ready to ask for support and not keep trying to do it on my own.’ It’s sad that we have to reach such a point in our lives to finally be able and willing to ask for support. I can really relate with what you have shared here although feel I am getting a lot better at this the more I love and care for me.
‘Discovering the game of martyr opened up the possibility that all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.’ I can often pretend the mess I’ve created is too great for me to walk out of. Reading this I realise actually self-love is the key and it doesn’t matter how it looks if I’ve learned the lessons.
Yes, a strong foundation of love for ourselves is a necessary prerequisite for all other relationships in our lives.
How great that you had such an amazing practitioner, we need more practitioners like this, ‘she only ever guided me to go deeper in love for myself and take responsibility for the part I played in the relationship. This was done by showing me where true responsibility begins.’
Every relationship has amazing possibilities whether it is with a lover, a family member or stranger if we ourselves are love, then the possibilities are endless
Through building a relationship with ourselves we learn our worth, we learn to trust ourselves and know that we are not bad people or horrible beings just for making mistakes or choices which may be unloving – building a strong relationship with ourselves allows us to see these things, understand why we do them and move on with grace, empowerment and a lack of judgement.
The love we have for ourselves is what we take out into the world and vice versa.
The words are thrown around endlessly, we preach about self love, self respect and the likes. I have had conversations with people who inspire me beyond imaginable about the importance of valuing ourselves, but until we connect to that ourselves, until we feel it running in the nucleus of our cells, we cannot imagine let alone comprehend the enormous impact of true self-worth.
Wow Viktoria, yes nucleus of our every cell brings about transformation of our whole body hence the body we belong to, universe
It is so common if we are not first full with love from our relationship with ourself to point the finger and blame another for how we feel. It may not always be easy (although it should be!) to ask for support and be willing to look within and at our life and how we are living but as you show here when we start to do this, in other words take responsibility for our life and actions, then it definitely does pay to do so.
Thank you Anonymous this phrase ‘it was I who was putting the pressure on myself to be the perfect martyr,’ rang a deeper chord in me today and I can see how this has been lurking under the surface and allowing for confusion to reign in my life. This is inextricably linked with the feeling of lack of self worth and the reaching for food in order to dull this awareness.
Making the commitment to “building a relationship with myself” would have to be the greatest gift I have ever given to myself. This is the paramount relationship in all our lives, as how can we build relationships with others if we are not living in harmony with, and love for, ourselves. I love how this relationship is a beautiful work in progress, always deepening and always expanding, and with it my foundation for life becomes stronger and steadier by the day.
I love the simplicity of my relationship with myself, it’s just me and what is inside me, no complications, no arguments needed just to come inside and feel the stillness of this love.
Yep, and then we can move in that quality to express the relationship we have inside in life as a whole.
If we can be lonely in a relationship, clearly there has to be more to the investments we make and ideals we feed that finding that perfect partner will make life all rosy. It makes sense, that all relationships have to start with the one with ourselves first and from there every other relationship can flourish. We really do need to be shown this from little.
Amazing just how much we can let go and express ourselves when no judgement is present – perhaps when we do not feel judged by someone else we also let go of the judgement we have of ourselves.
So many times I saw my mother wanting to be perfect in every way, getting up at 3am and going to bed after 10pm wanting to be on the top of everything, when things could have been dealt with differently.
The building of love is a commitment to self and a necessary commitment in our unfolding. Building love builds confidence to build more love in the body and the cycle continues, a deepening of the love that we are.
I love the photo that goes with this article, the woman in the picture feels full of love and joy. Very beautiful and inspiring to see.
Anonymous, this is really interesting; ‘ I started to view life from inside me first, instead of my usual outside first. Seeing that what was happening within was affecting what was happening on the outer.’ What this makes me realise is that trying to fix the outer and those around us does not work, because the outer is a reflection of what is happening on the inside. So working on ourselves and our inner world is key and this then affects everything else.
‘…she only ever guided me to go deeper in love for myself and take responsibility for the part I played in the relationship.’ This is the ultimate form of responsibility, isn’t it? We need to learn this form young rather than stepping into the blame game.
The relationship I have with myself is the basis of all things. From that I can have a
Deeply loving relationship
With my family
The relationship we have with ourselves is what we bring to all relationships, from so deepening that means enriching all our relationships.
“Building a Relationship with Myself” – based on and deepened in love this is the best gift we can give ourselves and those around us.
There is not limit to this and the greatest gift that keeps on giving time and time again.
It is the best gift we can give ourselves, and a gift that brings us back to the gloriousness of who we are – now THAT is a gift that keeps on giving 🙂
‘This was done by showing me where true responsibility begins.’ Learning that true responsibility begins with self is most certainly the key to unlocking the doors within. The domino effect that then begins to take place as a result is a more wondrous gift than could ever be found behind door number 1, door number 2 or door number 3. No other deal could ever replace the magic of opening the doors within.
‘With this new acceptance that it was me who held the key to my own self-created prison, I entered a major turning point in my life.’ This is huge. We like to blame others and justify our hurts because it’s easier than seeing where we have contributed to the mess and, in fact, in the vast majority of cases where we have been the instigator of it.
“It was a constant cycle of exhaustion and loneliness, one that I was to discover was of my very own making.” when we embrace our responsibility in life we soon appreciate that things need to change from us first if we want change in our lives.
It is very telling when we are looking outwardly and finding someone to blame for why the way we are. Until I could feel and understand this with the support of Universal Medicine and the healing modalities I could actually feel how much I was avoiding being with myself and taking responsibility for the choices I made. Bit of moment to stop and go wow lets flip that round and bring it back to me. Now what ever the situation there is always something there for me to learn about myself and be willing to see the truth.
It is very telling when we are looking outwardly and finding someone to blame for why the way we are. Until I could feel and understand this with the support of Universal Medicine and the healing modalities I could actually feel how much I was avoiding being with myself and taking responsibility for the choices I made. Bit of a moment to stop and go wow lets flip that round and bring it back to me. Now what ever the situation there is always something there for me to learn about myself and be willing to see the truth.
‘Discovering the game of martyr opened up the possibility that all along it was me who was creating my so-called many issues and that it was me who could walk out of them.” What a life-changing discovery this was for you as it was for me. I know the martyr so well, the victim, who blames everyone else but struggles to acknowledge their responsibility in relationships. But how amazingly life can change when we own that responsibility and begin to live it.
It makes sense that our most fundamental and important relationship we have, is the one with ourselves first. From this the quality of all our interactions with others will follow.
Moving or walking in our essences changes the way we perceive all of life so we can through our observations develop a deeper awareness and that shines a light on our responsibilities.
“By the time I got to my first esoteric session I was completely worn out. I had a 2yr old son that I had chosen to do attachment parenting with; I was still breastfeeding, believing that this was the best way to parent” – The best thing about Esoteric Yoga is that it teaches you how to parent yourself from your own realisations that you receive from your body and from this develop a relationship that truly supports it and you.
Many of us do feel an emptiness inside, and try alll sorts of ways to fill it, food, blame, all sorts of distractions and yet it is impossible to feel full unless we make it about our relationship with ourselves and heal what we have developed as hurts.
It’s great you mentioned that acceptance is key as it often the fact that we created our own situation that is the hardes to accept and we avoid feeling it in any way. Even though it is the only way out of our situation.
“Building a Relationship with Myself” – I understood what relationship with myself was when I understood what the quality of stillness was, and how this quality supports in me feeling steady and honest about myself, in relationships and in life too.
When you read an article like this it is clear that it makes no sense to do anything but build a relationship with ourselves and our bodies. We neglect a true relationship with ourselves and so doing we miss on the true gold in life. Love is from within not given and taken, we live, we know it, and thus starts from our body.
It’s interesting how when we are disgruntled with ourselves we can easily look outside and blame others without realising that it’s not them it’s us.
It can happen so quickly, true empowerment is self responsibility, when we look outside to fix, blame get attention we are puppets to our emotions and will be at the mercy of them. Self responsibility makes space for us to serve, learn, heal and grow. No need or waiting of others, we can change if we chose it.
We get so busy doing nothing so we don’t have to feel. This means the gorgeous essence of our heart gets hidden in the dark.
That is one the of the most loving things we can do is keep bring it back to ourselves and reflecting our responsibility in what ever the situation. The honesty that is required for this is very deep and we can’t get to that unless we are willing to truly care and nurture ourselves.
It takes quite a turn around to always first look at my life and how I have been living and not point my finger at the other.
How extremely fortunate that your first practitioner/counsellor was someone who understood the energetic flow and consequences of life and our decisions
We make life about blaming other people, when in truth the real responsibility for the whole thing lies with us. The cool part though is in returning our focus back to our being, we also stop the constant distraction away from giving ourselves Love.
Blame is a big issue, we can direct our emotions on to others, while not realising how harmful it is, where it is said to someone’s face or, or just stewed in for years and it so disempowering for ourselves.
Building love and a loving relationship with yourself is first and foremost a loving discipline where we learn to see what is not love and say no it. Refinement over refinement.
Being a martyr is the opposite of being the captain of your life taking responsibility of everything that happens in life. Perhaps more confronting but so much more powerful.
This is true Willem. If we look at any situation there is always a level of responsibility that we should look at and learn from. It’s never just someone else’s fault.
“Building a relationship” – it can be any old relationship to settle (less) for, or it can be a relationship which has a quality to it where settling is never an option due to the evolution that it inspires.
The confirmation of who we are will never be found in what we do or in the world as everything we already are is known through our connection to our essence, the love we are, our Soulful light.
Indeed seeking validation of our worth to the degree that we care for others can be exhausting. On the other hand when we care equally for ourselves then there is no draining effort in caring for others.
Building a relationship with ourselves simply goes on and on, because as something changes in our lives, we have new things to work on. And there is so much changing all the time, it is an endless and so very rewarding process to love ourselves more deeply.
Yes beautifully said Gill – the unfolding, embodying and reflection of our love through the lives we live is a constant inspiration to continue to deepen.
To build and build is the joy of every relationships, no limits but the exquisite deepening that is on offer for all to appreciate.
It seems that we can often get stuck in a way of thinking that puts the blame onto other people and then leaves us in this powerless state waiting for someone else to change, with nowhere to go. What I have come to realise is that if I do have a problem with someone it’s far less painful if I ask what this is showing me and where is my responsibility. By asking myself those sorts of questions it changes the intensity of the thoughts and the strong resentment that would be directed at someone else, which never feels great. Then eventually it will come to me what it is that I need to learn from and then I feel lighter as the intensity lifts.
Building a self-loving relationship with myself is the best gift I’ve given myself for what the unwrapping brings and continues to bring – deepening love, and a truer love to share.
To quote Leonardo da Vinci “One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself.”
To show the value and might of responsibility is to take health and wellbeing into our own hands.
A huge smile came across my face when I read this – “Now I am continuously discovering ways to keep the doors unlocked, and if one is locked, I know the key lies within me.” What a life journey to be on, knowing that whatever comes your way (self-generated or not), we have the answers (with the key) within us all the time.
There is a form of selflessness that gains a lot of praise, although I have found this form to be somewhat lacking in ones own of self-care.
If there’s any semblance of blame you know you are off and usually it’s because you haven’t been looking after yourself.