Recently I have been told that a close family member’s death is imminent. Obviously I am absolutely devastated; sad doesn’t even touch the sides, and I cried lots when I heard the news. The first thing I did after this was contact my family and see how they were doing. I showered, got dressed, took things I would need and went to see my family.
On the way I stopped in my car and asked myself why is it that it takes death or a serious accident, illness or disease to bring people and or families together, or even bring them to their knees? When for years, decades or lifetimes we can treat each other like rubbish? And I don’t just mean immediate families.
We have arguments at work, in our relationships, with friends, or even get annoyed or affected by someone in a supermarket or driving past in a car. Why do we let all these things bother us, not to mention the things we do to ourselves, all the meaningless issues we create, dilemmas, dramas, complications and woes; what will I wear today, what food should I eat, should I eat this or that, when really all we are doing is self-indulging. Do we ever stop to feel how this is affecting people?
The event of my family member’s imminent passing made me realise that I’m not going to do this anymore, it is simply not worth it, but rather I am, to my best intent, not going to react or need people to be a certain way, I am not going to spend hours in my head (and that’s a big one for me) debating over things such as food, or what I should or should not do or eat. I am going to allow people to be, I am going to allow myself to observe and learn. If people choose to argue, fight or create their own issues or woes, that is their choice.
But to the best of my intent, as I’m not perfect, I am not going to be a part of what I now realise is not what is truly important in life – I am not going to get involved anymore: I have done this for far too long a time and it’s exhausting and not a supportive or loving way to live, for anybody.
All this also got me thinking about love. Why is it when someone is close to death that we tend let go of all the past, all the issues, all the stuff we have held onto, sometimes for years, the hurt, the times when they may have not chosen to be loving to us, or anything we may have held against them?
Instead, a different mode kicks in and we simply love them for who they are, be it our sister, mum, dad, friend or complete stranger. In this we see all their true divine qualities, in my case an absolute heart of gold, deep care and love for people, a playfulness, a quick and wicked sense of humour, not to mention a no-nonsense person who is deeply tender, caring, sensitive, delicate, beautiful, fragile, precious and divine.
So if we can let go of this in death, why can’t we let go of it in life? Why do we spend our lives not loving people or ourselves, instead seeing ourselves and other people for everything they are not? Rather than the precious, divine and delicate beings we all equally are.
But is death really the end?
Yes I am deeply sad, and yes I am devastated, but this process has made me stop and realise, even though I know the truth of reincarnation and this is not the end for the essence of this person, I was still thinking in a way it was, instead of the truth I’ve now experienced that illness, disease and ultimately death and passing over is actually an opportunity to evolve for everyone involved, and never is it the end.
By Gyl Rae, 39, Teacher, Scotland
Further Reading:
The Missing Link to Understanding Reincarnation
Our choices do influence how we die
Our relationship with life and death
673 Comments
Reading about you, not feeling that you want to get involved in life’s woes anymore, because the value of life has become more clear, is something that I admire.
“If people choose to argue, fight or create their own issues or woes, that is their choice.” It is great to learn to let people make their own choices and not feel responsible for that because it is so easy to take things on when people are in their issues as if it is our fault they don’t come out of it. And then the next thing is to not judge them but just love them like you would anyone else. It feels really lovely in your body to do this.
We know very little about death and dying apart from the physical aspects of the process and the recording of countless case studies. However that still leaves very large gaps in our understanding.
Love the butterfly photograph, could death be more like a metamorphosis than an end? It is crazy that it takes death to get families to work together, but even then does it last or is it just a brief respite in the hostilities? Families give us the opportunity to bring a loving foundation to all our other relationships but we tend to squander this opportunity, not realising that the fact is that what we bring to our family will be what we bring to the rest also.
We can so often be clouded by the devastation and overwhelm of grief that comes with the passing of a loved one. When we are offered an insight into the sharing in this blog we are giving ourselves the understanding that life is part of a cycle and the rebirth is the opportunity to heal and return.
What a gift it is to being given the opportunity to do it all over again, and every time the same situation comes up we can look at it from a different angle and act accordingly by learning from a situation instead of cementing in the behaviour for lifetimes.
There is no ‘end’ but a completion and the opportunity to return afresh.
I can relate to this, in terms of having a moment or period of time where you re-evaluate how you’re living, it’s like you start to have a different perspective on life and what your true values are and how you can bring those more into your everyday way of being.
We can be so absorbed by life that we forget what life is actually about: first and foremost about evolving. Learning to be more love and experience where we are not there yet and change that. We are in our essence all love and all the same and we are here together to work and learn together.
Great point why do we wait to forgive, be understanding of how people are once they die, but we do not do this in life. This does not mean we need to tolerate abuse, it just means that we see each other for who we really are not the issues and protections but under these layers where our essence and truth resides. See this in others in life and there are no regrets with death.
What you are describing here Samantha is living without holding on to hurts. This gives us the opportunity to meet the other fresh and without whatever they have done or said in the past.
So much is on offer when someone around us is dying, be it family or friend or just someone we know. So much healing is their for all involved, we get to see what really matters in life and our hearts though very sad open up to see the loved one in their true light and the qualities of who they are as a human being, the dying process is a very sacred time, as one cycle ends and another cycle begins.
When someone close to us dies we are reminded that life is all about community, community comes together often when there is a death – sad we don’t live everyday in such a unified way.
People can evolve enormously in the last weeks, months or even years of their life but that doesn’t seem to be acknowledged very often from what I can see.
We can understand something but to live it is another thing and to live the knowing that life doesn’t end when we pass over, that there is a beauty in each of us and that all those hurts that get in the way don’t have to be … we evolve all of us in living this way. This is the Livingness, a way of love, a way back to who we truly are.
‘Meaningless issues’ are awesome words to bring together. What a waste of time to be careless in our thoughts and in our actions. How many lives spent on this earth do we need with all the war, corruption, illness and struggle, before the utmost in absolute responsibility is realised.
”passing over is actually an opportunity to evolve for everyone involved, and never is it the end.”
With that said, we can feel that the urgency to love is always there, that it has no end.. and that we can heal in any minute of our day. Thank you Gyl for making it so promptly known that we have our every day movement to change the All (our world, humanity).
Recently a close friend has been diagnosed with cancer. I will visit him soon for the first time in years and it will be great to connect with him.
“passing over is actually an opportunity to evolve for everyone involved, and never is it the end.” A beautiful relaisation that passing over is another phase of our evolutionary cycle and letting go of hurts and issues is a great way to prepare for the next round.
I love what you are presenting Gyl as it is often the case that we drop the drama and the dislikes with each other when we are met with a calamity or with an impending or sudden death. However, I wonder is this seeded in truth or in just being ‘nice’ or ‘good’ as this is what we should be behaving like in these times? Is evolution truly taking place in this change? Are we really open to resolving and healing what has kept us from connecting in love, or open to being honest about how our hurts have affected our behaviours so that we have missed out on many opportunities to evolve together and deepen our relationship and understanding to all that we are and are here to live together? I agree, there is much preciousness and sacredness for us yet to live together.
… ‘passing over is actually an opportunity to evolve for everyone involved, and never is it the end.’ True Gyl and we can let emotions run this process or choose to be with ourselves and feel what this process of dying is really about , to feel the blessing it can be for all when someone is completing their life on earth, their cycle.
I agree – we are missing out when emotions are running the process. In addition, denial and ignoring the most important issues can also make us miss out on understanding what is happening.
What you say here is so important to us all: ”passing over is actually an opportunity to evolve for everyone involved, and never is it the end.” It leaves you to feel what is and what is not, and to appreciate and move on.
When we celebrate life’s preciousness we truly live at last and connect to a truth that never dies. By valuing what we represent we get to see there’s an amazing grandness to you and me.
I have had some relatives and friends die without feeling any devastation at all. In fact two of them felt like blessings. Also I felt complete as I had not held back in expressing my love and appreciation to them in the preceding years. Death is an inevitable part of life and yes we might miss the person differing amounts or feel some sadness depending on our relationship with them and the circumstances of their passing but it can also be a joyous event.
Yes, once we understand that then a notice of another person’s death becomes a lot less shocking.
The teachings of incarnation and reincarnation are well known throughout the world in different countries and religions. The understanding of reincarnation and adoption of all that goes with it into my life has changed not only how I will die, but how I live now.
There is a far greater depth to the purpose of life when we understand that our Soul, that which gives life to our bodies never dies, and in fact is something we can have a relationship with now and in every part of our living day.
I am with you all the way Gyl with not holding back the love you feel big or small. Sometimes love is firm too. What have you got to loose to feel more good about yourself and all those that are deeply touched by your love. What are we waiting for? It is a whole lot of fun to love up a someone you do not know.
What if the sadness we feel is not about death but is actually regret at the way we have lived? It’s not just about intellectually understanding we come back and reincarnate, but choosing to live our life with connection and expressing every day. Life is too precious to live at half mast. Thank you Gyl for sharing this blog.
“I am not going to be a part of what I now realise is not what is truly important in life “- This feels like an awesome claim Gyl, and one that really inspires me to do the same. As you said, the alternative where we get involved and caught up in complication, drama, and creating issues out of thin air is extremely exhausting, and in the end harmful to all involved. You make an excellent point about how people let go of judgements and are able to see the true person underneath it all when they are dying, but not always when they are alive. It’s kind of strange when you consider that if we would focus on the divine qualities of people when they are alive we would have so much more time to enjoy their presence rather than only seeing the negative or what we think needs to be ‘fixed’ about that person.
Yes, it is important to appreciate, love, and express fully in every moment, we don’t know exactly what is ahead of us.
I have been around a lot of people passing and it has greatly enriched my life in so many ways. The process has expanded my level of appreciation, for others and life being lived as it is.
Yes, I have found that those who are dying can be very impressive giving me great lessons.
An imminent death is a massive wake up for everyone involved, it is a blessing if we allow ourselves to fully be present and allow the grace of the process to unfold as it does. It is an opportunity too to reflect on our life’s purpose and what is truly important to us. It is my experience to leave nothing undone or expressed supports greatly in the acceptance of someones passing, including our own.
A beautiful reminder to live each day as our last, to express fully and love and appreciate each moment and each other. Our relationships are precious.
Such wise council for if we hold back and don’t give all of us to each day, what chance have we on our final day? The momentum of holding back and not fully expressing will still be running the show.
Gyl, this is a great question; ‘On the way I stopped in my car and asked myself why is it that it takes death or a serious accident, illness or disease to bring people and or families together’, I have been ill this week with the flu and have actually been catching up with people on the phone that I haven’t spoken to for ages, it has been really lovely re-connecting with people and also made me realise how easy it is to get caught up in the busyness of life and not really nurture and care for the relationships we have with our friends and family, it has been a lesson for me that my relationships are just as important as my work.
Death especially of a close family member always has a way of allowing you to see what is truly important in life and to let go of the what is not.
‘So if we can let go of this in death, why can’t we let go of it in life? Why do we spend our lives not loving people or ourselves, instead seeing ourselves and other people for everything they are not? Rather than the precious, divine and delicate beings we all equally are’. A great question Gyl to stop and ponder if we are making life about love first and if we are not, then making different choices to stop allowing all the distractions that get in the way.
Some things have a way of giving us true perspective in life. And yet we forget. And later are faced with the same realisation again. For me the biggest development has been to keep returning to the truth with smaller ‘out’ periods in between. For what your words remind me Gyl is that when we live without connection to the bigger picture, then its like we are the walking dead.
Death and dying can be very sobering reality checks and make us question what we choose to waste our time with that in the end – does not count at all and is often exposed for the nonsense (to put it mildly) that it has always been.
I have not had the experience of a close family member with whom I have a longterm dispute with dying. I find it fascinating that when faced with this personally the source of the tension falls away leaving the space to see each other as we truly are, simply divine.
Great to hear this Gyl, I too am learning to stay not getting involved, ‘I am not going to get involved anymore: I have done this for far too long a time and it’s exhausting and not a supportive or loving way to live, for anybody.’
“..not to mention the things we do to ourselves, all the meaningless issues we create, dilemmas, dramas, complications and woes;”
Its quite funny when we reflect on our life, the amount of time we waste.
I have lived most of my life unaware of how much I was holding onto past hurts and tensions. I had an incident recently where I was having a major reaction to everyone I lived with and went into getting hurt by a few things to the point where we didn’t speak to each other for a few days. The thoughts I had during this time were intense, even with thoughts of wanting to move out. I then shared how I was feeling and what was going on for me and this broke something, I asked for support and then everything opened up again and the love was there and the reaction no longer had a hold over me.