Recently I was listening to a program on the radio and the presenter was talking about addictions. As I was driving I felt how relieved I was that I did not have an addiction: it wasn’t until later that I felt how, if I spend money in an irresponsible way, regardless of what I am spending it on, then it is no different to any other addiction, all addictions are the same. They just play out differently.
This felt huge and very exposing but also empowering.
Later as I walked through our home, I could feel things that I had bought that were fillers. Things that I had used to fill the space in our home, they usually didn’t have a place that felt right for them and I would be continually rearranging, trying to find their place when there wasn’t a place for them. I began to see what I was doing in a different light.
I remember years ago we went to the bank to get a Home Loan, the manager offered us a Line of Credit Loan. At the time I remember thinking that this was really bad – it was like having an open purse. I knew at the time it was something that I did not want to sign up for but I didn’t express what I was feeling. Later I realised how it took away any responsibility for my spending. It was like giving myself permission to go on a spending spree. And that is what I did.
What I’m feeling is now becoming much clearer. My body had been telling me for a long time, but I had not stopped to listen. I realised that in these moments I was in a momentum that felt like it came with the force of all my past spending, and this is why I had not brought myself to a complete stop.
This is such a great observation. Stop and reconnect – first to me, and then my list.
I felt that there was something under this that I had not been getting, this feeling that I was not enough… I have to be more, buy more, eat more, more of everything. But more is never enough. This plays out in all different ways by wanting to spend money, wanting to eat too much, wanting to fill up my space with things. I love order and detail, having a place for everything and everything in its place. This feels glorious. I’m getting this picture of a mouse going around and round in a wheel, forever chasing its tail:
I buy, fill my space, de-clutter and then get rid of things in a never-ending cycle.
When I’m focussed and go shopping with no need, there is more clarity and presence around my shopping and I don’t come home with things that I will later return to the store.
Ten years ago, I would never have considered that a stop was needed. I thought that what I was doing was normal. I would have continued on my way, buying and never stopping to consider that there may be more going on under the surface. It’s interesting because I do de-cluttering with people and always tell them it’s not about the clutter, it’s about what is under the clutter – what it is that is driving the need to bring things into their lives to overwhelm and complicate. I just realised that this is exactly what I had been doing.
When something comes up for me that can feel uncomfortable and I don’t know what it is, I can run to the pantry, or want to go shopping or a hundred other things to distract myself. What if it’s not that I need food or clothes, but it’s because I have felt something deep inside me that feels so amazingly exquisite but I don’t know where to go with it; it feels unfamiliar.
What if this is the exact moment to STOP, way before I go shopping or go to the pantry? What if I were to allow myself to really feel this exquisiteness, to sit with it, allow it to become familiar to me instead of running away. What if this is normal? This is what life is truly about. Then I would not want to fill myself, my wardrobes or my home with STUFF… I could fill my world with me, knowing that I am already enough. If not, then enough is never enough – I will always be looking for more.
Since attending presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I realise that there is always an opportunity to look deeper and to take more responsibility for what is really going on in my life. This journey that we are all on is about returning to a place within us and realising that with this comes a greater understanding and appreciation of the wisdom we are all connected to.
Now if I feel that I want to go shopping, need to spend money, I clock that moment when I try to distract myself and take myself away from that divine settled feeling. That is the true STOP moment that allows me to make different choices in my life.
It’s about being responsible for every part of my life. I am responsible for loving and caring for myself first, then that supports me to make more loving choices in my everyday life. Then there is no need to run anywhere. I don’t have to try to fill my house or my wardrobe or my pantry.
This is life changing, a new foundation. Every moment is an opportunity to make more loving choices that deepen the quality of the next choice that I make. Catching those moments when I have such clarity, those ‘aha’ moments that support me to make lasting changes in my life. This is the quality that I now choose, it’s a quality that I’m building, and that quality is divine. Baby steps, forever unfolding.
By Denise, Organiser, Supporting people to Eliminate Clutter, Stylist/ Wardrobe Makeovers, Wife, Mother, Grandmother