Ever since I can remember, I have always been surrounded by men. Before the age of around 11 most of my friends were boys, from the ones with whom I’d play wrestling and football to the ones I’d persuade to play house with me and my dolls, which to be honest wasn’t that difficult.
From my experience with men, I got to see that they actually can be deeply caring and very gentle. Even more so, I have observed that the toughest, rock-solid, scary looking guys have this tender, child-like quality to them too, which no extra-large bicep, dark tattoo or hoody could conceal.
- Men, just like women, are sensitive.
- Men, just like women, seek connection and love.
- Men, just like women, deserve to be treated tenderly and honoured for these innate qualities.
Sadly, and no different from women, men build up layers of protection to keep them ‘safe’ from this world full of social ideals and expectations that are not configured to let them live their sweetness, their sensitivity and their delicacy.
So often we as women take the men in our lives for granted, focussing on all of the things they do, rather than who they are on the inside.
We blame men for treating us poorly and for not appreciating us as women. However, do we ever pause to consider that we might be doing the same to them? So many of us dive into our ignorance and arrogance and choose not to be open in relationships with our partners, not to mention the games we play. Why? Because we can. Because ‘he’s a man,’ or worse, because ‘men don’t talk about feelings,’ or perhaps the worst, because ‘men don’t understand.’ Yet, have we tried?
Have we truly given the men we know, and the ones we don’t, an opportunity to open up to us by being transparently open towards them first?
Why do we think that women have the right to express their feelings but men do not? We know that repressed feelings can lead to self-abuse in all of its varieties, yet we praise men for doing exactly that – quashing their sensitivity.
In our 21st century society men are by and large marginalised, based on the wage they earn, how tall they are, or how defined their six pack is. Men are demonised for the pay gap between the genders, yet still many women are 100% happy to exploit men for their money and avoid paying for dinners, movie tickets, travel, etc.
Men are blamed for being indifferent and hostile, which they can be, yet the root cause of these behaviours is not sought.
As women, so many of us have become incredibly hard and unbelievably tough in our mission to be the perfect wife, the best mum, the top employee, the greatest friend, ideal neighbour or the sister from heaven. We constantly try to reach our unrealistic pictures of what we, our partners and our children should be like, completely losing touch with our most wonderful ability to be the ones who can best support the quality of tenderness to flourish in men.
But this can’t come as a surprise to us when we women are not living that same tenderness we came into this world with!
Our young boys are taught to be the tough soldiers who never cry or, God forbid, show their vulnerability, because if they did, the big bad world would crush them. We indoctrinate them from a young age that their role is to protect the women around them and serve as the backbone of the world. So much pressure on those young shoulders…
But what if by dismissing and denying men’s tenderness, we are effectively rejecting them for who they truly are? This must create very deep pain, making men even more sensitive to rejection, because when we are shown that who we truly are is not good enough, we get hurt beyond imagination and thus become desensitised, indifferent and in the extreme –hostile.
Men really can be beautifully tender, gentle, and caring. They have great depths of feelings, a capacity for understanding, nurturing and the ability to be great listeners. We as women have an amazing opportunity to encourage, support and respect these very qualities in men (and in ourselves) that we crave more than any chocolate bar on earth.
Granting men permission to be who they truly are, their amazing selves, will doubtless contribute to a decrease in men’s depression and the current alarming suicide rates, as well as curb the devastating rise in substance abuse among men.
And consider for a moment the wonderful effects that this in turn would have on women!
Next time an opportunity arises to express your love and appreciation for a man (any man) in your life, be that at dinner at your neighbour’s home, your boss’ birthday or a nephew’s graduation day – or even better, for no special reason at all – say it with half a dozen red/white/yellow or pink roses and watch the glee in the man’s eye thanking you for acknowledging and honouring the tenderness and preciousness he truly is. And should such a gesture make him appear awkward in expressing his appreciation of the gift, let that not be a reason to hold back from doing so again – for men also need to get used to the fact that they are tender and precious.
By Viktoria Stoykova, Project Coordinator, London, UK
Further Reading:
Exposing Ideals and Beliefs: Discovering Deep Tenderness
Relating to Women as a Man
Men are only after one thing
355 Comments
If we are not treated with the tenderness we deserve, as men we need to stop attacking and fighting back and begin going deeper. A call for more Love is so much clearer than an outcry of hate.
We have so many opportunities to let men be themselves, at the bus stop, in the local shop or in our family. Everywhere we meet a man, we have an opportunity to greet him with a smile and a warm heart – that can transform lives.
Every time I have anything to question how can men be this way with me, I have in some way held back my love to them, so I will change my part First and let it be.
I really love men, they always remind me to give all of my love without holding it back one ounce, for that is the natural way between us.
We as men put on such a facade to keep up the blokee-image and when we re-learn how to be a truly tender gentle-man life feels natural.
It is a huge imprisonment to both men and women when we force expectations on a person. Starting from young we not only demand that boys and girls live according to such imposed characteristics, but also reinforce it by the way we go on to treat them throughout life. It is a blessing when we choose to not hold each other in such a bind and instead honour and appreciate one another for the gorgeous, delicate, sensitive, wise and loving nature we all have whether a man or a woman.
Victoria – you bring this back to the truth you feel with men and how we have invested in ideals and beliefs to set this vast divide between men and women – when in fact we are all sensitive first.
‘So often we as women take the men in our lives for granted, focussing on all of the things they do, rather than who they are on the inside…’ this is the plague of the way we live isn’t it? We make everything we do far more important than who we are and the quality we do everything in.
When they allow themselves men can be very adoring and sweet. The key to fostering this in another is to accept and express it from within ourselves first.
In a world that ridicules a man for being tender and delicate we have many men living not who they are, but who they think society wants them to be.
It’s so beautiful sharing this truth with young boys and girls in my classes that I teach. You can feel their whole bodies respond, open and lighten with the pressure being taken off. It’s also cute to see their eyes widen in surprise with the initial revelation being made.
We live blocking our heart out then decry that we are beasts. The horrible part is just the energy that stops us from living knowing we are super sweet.
It is so gorgeous to be with a man who can express his tenderness quite naturally. I feel that despite all the hardness and craziness in this world that a lot of men are actually giving each other permission to be seen in this way. I have, for example, seen celebrities acting with affection towards each other. Recently I was at an event and the organiser who had been quite loud and official in his role softened immediately when I put my hand on his shoulder at the end of the day. He was relieved that the day had gone well and that it was all over but he still held a protection in his body yet at the slightest touch his body was able to let go and the tone of his voice changed and he became his true self with no bowing to roles or fulfilling expectations. A gentle and loving touch can do wonders.
It’s so convenient to think that everyone else is tough and we are the sensitive ones, it lets us stay in our isolation instead of understanding we are all caring and loving at heart.
The pure tenderness of a man has the power to melt hearts and that is a quality, a strength, a loving force that cannot be matched by anything of this world. And God knows that we need more of this amongst us and in our world today.
Men are beautiful beings who can reignite the quality of tenderness in this wayward world of ours.
I love the picture at the beginning of this blog – men can be a little surprised by receiving flowers at first, but when they feel the appreciation in them, their tenderness is profound.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong or weird about giving a man flowers. Every man I’ve given them to has adored them.
If we consider the separation from our own tenderness and sensitivity originated from not being met in that, perhaps the way back is to appreciate this essence in men.
The world we have created is blame vs blame when it should be love connecting to love. We can’t wait for others to change – we can change the tide.
Joseph I love how changing the way we are with each other in this way would have such a powerful effect on humanity.
This is such an important point to raise – that by ignoring a man’s tenderness, we are denying who they truly are. I don’t think we fully appreciate the gold we are crushing when we as people don’t truly see the values we bring. I know men who are deeply sensitive and tender, and it is very powerful to have a conversation with them and to appreciate all they observe and share.
The sacredness, tenderness, vulnerability, sensitivity and essence is something we all share equally and it is when we are in our true divine connection that we realise this as true.
“So often we as women take the men in our lives for granted, focussing on all of the things they do, rather than who they are on the inside.” now this would transform every mans life.
I love how this man in the photo is not only holding but also treasuring those bunch of beautiful delicate roses – you can feel how he is holding himself in the same way/quality too from his expression. Gorgeous.
“From My Love for Men” – springs deeper love for oneself. Love – to love even more.
Viktoria, what you are sharing here feels very true; ‘what if by dismissing and denying men’s tenderness, we are effectively rejecting them for who they truly are? ‘ From what I observe men are not encouraged to be sensitive and tender in our society. Having a very sensitive man and boy in my family I see the truth of men – that they hurt the same as girls and women and that they are just as sweet and sensitive. If we allow and encourage these qaulities then men and boys can flourish and enjoy being who they truly are with confidence and joy.
The fragility and tenderness of a man is something to behold.
Whether man or woman, (self) love is the salve to smooth away our rough edges to reveal the curves of truth that are so very beautiful to enjoy being in connection with. Without those curves, we all are lost in the otherwise flatness of lovelessness.
Thank you Viktoria, for it shows us how much more we can be with each other and how we can allow men to be tender with themselves if we treat them tenderly so too.
Quoted from above: ” for men also need to get used to the fact that they are tender and precious”.
This is such a great topic to be exploring Viktoria and is very much needed in a world where men have been raised with so many false ideals and pictures around what it is to be a man. The current model clearly isn’t working as the suicide statistics are steadily rising worldwide amongst men. It is time as you suggested to begin to appreciate and encourage men’s tenderness and sensitivity as men are needing to feel safe and allowed to express these qualities in a world that hasn’t really welcomed or accepted this at all.
The men in my life are treated with the tenderness they deserve, and that goes for my boss, my bosses boss, and my work colleagues. Every man deserves to be seen.
I have never given a man flowers. Time to change that!
Yes every time I see the photo of a man with roses that accompanies this blog I remind myself that this still has not happened…and why not?
I love it, when men show their fragility and true tender care for themselves and for others. There is indeed no difference to a woman. And I feel the picture of being a tender man needs to be re-imprinted in this world big time. I find it more than disturbing, that men who shows their feelings and don´t move in a harsh and abrupt way, not being disrespectful and not living in the stereotype roles of society are getting the label of being “gay”. Through that expression, used in this way, the man gets devalued in his innate qualities. Besides the fact that it is absolutely degrading to use that term regarding someones chosen sexual orientation.
What I often hear from women when they meet a man they like: “With him I feel like a real woman”. Question is: Should not a woman feel like a real woman herself without needing anyone to give her that kind of feeling? This let alone sets a relationship between man and woman into a dependency, something that needs to continuously be fulfilled. The tension that occurs in men being unconsciously confronted by this need is more than underestimated.
As a woman I can feel the games that I still play in keeping this going, of expecting men to interact with me in a certain way, like going into playing larikin with them and dulling down my own sensitivity and expression.
The worth of Women is to see the worth of men and communicate with each other on this level of worth always.
Yes we need to feel our own worth if we are to see the true worth of men. Otherwise we just look to them to rescue us. Can we meet men as our equals, truly?
level of worth, respect, decency and .. appreciating the other for who they are and holding them as equal.