Ever since I can remember, I have always been surrounded by men. Before the age of around 11 most of my friends were boys, from the ones with whom I’d play wrestling and football to the ones I’d persuade to play house with me and my dolls, which to be honest wasn’t that difficult.
From my experience with men, I got to see that they actually can be deeply caring and very gentle. Even more so, I have observed that the toughest, rock-solid, scary looking guys have this tender, child-like quality to them too, which no extra-large bicep, dark tattoo or hoody could conceal.
- Men, just like women, are sensitive.
- Men, just like women, seek connection and love.
- Men, just like women, deserve to be treated tenderly and honoured for these innate qualities.
Sadly, and no different from women, men build up layers of protection to keep them ‘safe’ from this world full of social ideals and expectations that are not configured to let them live their sweetness, their sensitivity and their delicacy.
So often we as women take the men in our lives for granted, focussing on all of the things they do, rather than who they are on the inside.
We blame men for treating us poorly and for not appreciating us as women. However, do we ever pause to consider that we might be doing the same to them? So many of us dive into our ignorance and arrogance and choose not to be open in relationships with our partners, not to mention the games we play. Why? Because we can. Because ‘he’s a man,’ or worse, because ‘men don’t talk about feelings,’ or perhaps the worst, because ‘men don’t understand.’ Yet, have we tried?
Have we truly given the men we know, and the ones we don’t, an opportunity to open up to us by being transparently open towards them first?
Why do we think that women have the right to express their feelings but men do not? We know that repressed feelings can lead to self-abuse in all of its varieties, yet we praise men for doing exactly that – quashing their sensitivity.
In our 21st century society men are by and large marginalised, based on the wage they earn, how tall they are, or how defined their six pack is. Men are demonised for the pay gap between the genders, yet still many women are 100% happy to exploit men for their money and avoid paying for dinners, movie tickets, travel, etc.
Men are blamed for being indifferent and hostile, which they can be, yet the root cause of these behaviours is not sought.
As women, so many of us have become incredibly hard and unbelievably tough in our mission to be the perfect wife, the best mum, the top employee, the greatest friend, ideal neighbour or the sister from heaven. We constantly try to reach our unrealistic pictures of what we, our partners and our children should be like, completely losing touch with our most wonderful ability to be the ones who can best support the quality of tenderness to flourish in men.
But this can’t come as a surprise to us when we women are not living that same tenderness we came into this world with!
Our young boys are taught to be the tough soldiers who never cry or, God forbid, show their vulnerability, because if they did, the big bad world would crush them. We indoctrinate them from a young age that their role is to protect the women around them and serve as the backbone of the world. So much pressure on those young shoulders…
But what if by dismissing and denying men’s tenderness, we are effectively rejecting them for who they truly are? This must create very deep pain, making men even more sensitive to rejection, because when we are shown that who we truly are is not good enough, we get hurt beyond imagination and thus become desensitised, indifferent and in the extreme –hostile.
Men really can be beautifully tender, gentle, and caring. They have great depths of feelings, a capacity for understanding, nurturing and the ability to be great listeners. We as women have an amazing opportunity to encourage, support and respect these very qualities in men (and in ourselves) that we crave more than any chocolate bar on earth.
Granting men permission to be who they truly are, their amazing selves, will doubtless contribute to a decrease in men’s depression and the current alarming suicide rates, as well as curb the devastating rise in substance abuse among men.
And consider for a moment the wonderful effects that this in turn would have on women!
Next time an opportunity arises to express your love and appreciation for a man (any man) in your life, be that at dinner at your neighbour’s home, your boss’ birthday or a nephew’s graduation day – or even better, for no special reason at all – say it with half a dozen red/white/yellow or pink roses and watch the glee in the man’s eye thanking you for acknowledging and honouring the tenderness and preciousness he truly is. And should such a gesture make him appear awkward in expressing his appreciation of the gift, let that not be a reason to hold back from doing so again – for men also need to get used to the fact that they are tender and precious.
By Anonymous
Further Reading:
Exposing Ideals and Beliefs: Discovering Deep Tenderness
Relating to Women as a Man
Men are only after one thing
375 Comments
When we let go of our differences we realise that we are all, in essence, the same – love.
Appreciating who we are and letting another have free will to be in their own choices is developing an intimate relationship with others.
It’s interesting how the tables are turning, nowadays if you go to any gym you will see women striving just as hard for that six pack as I was observing men three years ago. Instead of us leading our own way, we are trying to compete with men and be better than them at what’s innate for them. This is what happens when you forget who you are, it’s like a baby calf trying to be a goat – it won’t work.
‘We blame men for treating us poorly and for not appreciating us as women. However, do we ever pause to consider that we might be doing the same to them?’ And equally doing the same to ourselves, and then expect another to treat us in a more loving way than we can do for self.
This is a great question; ‘But what if by dismissing and denying men’s tenderness, we are effectively rejecting them for who they truly are?’ I observe this with how boys are treated, I notice as boys grow up there is often a hardening and toughening up that feels very unnatural, it feel like a shell of protection is being put on to cover the tenderness.
Yes, I have watched that happen to tender boys, as they grew up, very sad to observe, ‘I notice as boys grow up there is often a hardening and toughening up that feels very unnatural, it feel like a shell of protection is being put on to cover the tenderness.’
As I become more open and deeply honest with my men friends I see them allowing more and more of their sensitivity and preciousness to be seen. Very lovely
Imagine that men are seeking exactly what women are love and connection! We all have a long way to go in appreciating our innate tenderness and beauty.
We may have lived with statues of men, hard at heart, fellows tortured by their hurts – but no matter our past we cannot treat men less than women or a child and call it Love. No matter our previous choices we all deserve to be treated cherishing our divinity.
The protective outer behaviours can be so off putting – but we need to know that they are only there because of our deep beauty inside. In a world of hardness and manipulative game playing, someone has got to make the first move and see the truth.
God has given us our vulnerability, tenderness, sensitive, preciousness so when this does not add-up in our lives we feel the rejection all around us and could this be one of the main reasons why so many men commit suicide?
I really did used to see men for all they did not who they were – and as I look back now I can see how I missed out on so much because of that. To now begin to appreciate men for who they are is so refreshing and loving.
I love how much I love men, I used to think men are really different from women, a little like strange species, but they are not, and the more I have dropped my issues with them, the more I have enjoyed the company of men, regardless of being a friend, husband, family, stranger. We should be meeting each gender equal and drop our issues, whether man or woman.
Suicide is huge in men, these gorgeous sensitive tender men are feeling life is too much to cope with and they look for a way out, causing an absolutely devastating impact on those around them.
The way we bring boys up is not honouring of the tender men they are.
When a man is truly tender it exposes us ladies to the hardness we have been living in, which is great as without this reflection we can continue being hard with ourselves, hard with our movements and hard with others – We have a choice when we see a man in his vulnerability – we either react or melt- when we melt and accept the reflection we receive a big healing.
‘We constantly try to reach our unrealistic pictures of what we, our partners and our children should be like, completely losing touch with our most wonderful ability to be the ones who can best support the quality of tenderness to flourish in men.’ And in trying to reach these pictures we as women become tough and hard ourselves instead of be the inspiration we can be for men and women alike.
Men are hanging out for tenderness, intimacy, true friendship and connection. We’ve just all held back waiting for someone else to make the first move. Seize the chance, open up and they will too.