Having children, parenting, the whole family equation, was not something I had given a lot of thought to, so when we had our daughter it was very much foreign ground for me. I felt I was either flying blind or treading water, learning as I went along. I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.
Although being a new mum, stopping was not something that happened often. Life was busy, fitting in being a mum, working, looking after the household and of course taking care of myself. It was often the taking care of myself part that kept creeping up on me: I felt it was really important not to lose myself in being a mother, that I still mattered and was worth taking time for. It seemed to be a trap that I could so easily fall into if I allowed myself, putting everyone else first, leaving what little time that was left for myself to get dressed, shower or eat.
I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.
So I kept it simple, picking a time to shower that allowed me the space to do so without rushing, whether that be with my daughter napping, playing quietly after a feed, or even set up on the bathroom floor watching me. It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.
I learned to become more aware of the quality I was doing things in, not rushing, avoiding the overwhelm and exhaustion, and to observe: was I with myself in that moment as I was doing something or was I already living one step ahead of myself and had already moved onto the next… my mind always thinking, “What’s next?”
By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter. An “A-HA” moment you could say – that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything.
I saw that If I chose to take responsibility for how I moved and the way I did things, then I had the choice to create a day that flowed or not. I allowed myself the space to not always get it right, to be open to and aware of my quality, and if I was present or distracted: was I simply ticking the boxes, or was I feeling what was needed in each moment and moving from that space?
Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me, and my openness and willingness to be responsible and build consistency with both myself and others.
Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved. I took the time to stop and feel how I allowed myself the space to eat a meal, to choose clothes and shoes that supported me, and truly accepting and loving myself for the woman I am. Without needing anything from her, my daughter was left to be herself, not having to fulfil any of my expectations, ideals or images I may have had of how I needed her to be for me.
We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.
We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time. It is here where our responsibility as a parent begins: it begins with ourselves and self-care, and from this we create our own road map in how to truly parent and support our children.
We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents. If we are not gentle, loving and accepting of ourselves, if we do not allow ourselves to feel how the choices we make impact on our body and everything around us, if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should or our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?
We will not always get it right, and we do not have to – we are human and make mistakes. Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar, NSW
Further Reading:
From reactions and tensions, to harmony within the family
We are all role models
What is a Relationship with Myself?
383 Comments
The more we open up to having relationships and people in our lives, the greater the reflection we get back about the way we are living. This may explain the way we see people withdraw and isolate today – just a way of hiding from the truth and pretending everything is ‘ok’.
When we don’t take care of ourselves we are literally at the mercy of the world and everything and anything that needs to be done. when we do take care of ourselves I found there is this observation created that helps to feel what is needed at what time and when to take a moment for ourselves and so on. It is not just because our body needs care – it also creates a space for us from where to make loving choices in life for ourself and everyone else in our life.
Parenting at times can be a bit overwhelming and distressing; I mean, how many parents would have wished for an instruction manual. But alas, we do not get the manual that says, one size fits all and rightly so. What I now know about parenting is that the quality of how we look after ourselves is just as important as wanting the best for our children but not at our expense.
We don’t often give enough attention, validity or acknowledgement to the inner-knowing we all have access to. In developing a relationship with our connection to our body and being we then can connect to others and can feel with greater awareness what is true and what is needed in any given situation. When we focus on what feels true for all, what is ‘right’ or what we ‘should be doing’ owns us less and less allowing the presence and power of love to be the leading intelligence.
Beautifully put Nicole, for it is so wise to live beyond images and actually see the truth, as any image we impose on others leaves one to be blind of the truth (even though they choose it themselves). Whilst if we don’t pose any images or ideals, we leave one to feel themselves with what they are feeling.
There are so many ideals and beliefs that we can get caught up in on the merry go round of looking the part of being the great parent. When we stop to recognise that it all starts from within and the choices we make to be loving with ourselves we are than offered choices that bring the same quality to our parenting with no levels of perfection.
It seems to me that parenting is like everything else, first you need to know yourself, your essence and a solid connection to truth inside you to refer to, to feel what is, and with that work with the reality and innate love in front of you in the child going forward not any beliefs or ideals outside of that, trusting that you do know and can learn from your experiences as you go.
There are always people who want to readily give us advice about what we should and shouldn’t do when it comes to bringing up our children. But there is no one who knows better what to do than the parents when they give themselves the space to connect to themselves, their child and then feel what is needed.
True parenting requires us to delicately nurture and mother every moment, with tender care and support that a father brings. And so whether we have kids or not we are always guiding, letting go and supporting love to grow. Thank you Nicole.
Each child is so different coming with their different behaviour, their different ways of seeing the world, its only by getting ourselves out of the way that we can read in detail the best way to parent them.
“It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.”
Nothing can be more confirming than making the choice to nurture oneself and then sensing that space that opens up for this to be fulfilled.
This blog is quite revolutionary in what it offers. It has practical ways to care for yourself while you parent and breaks down a lot of the myths that surround being a mum. For instance, the idea of there being lots of space in your day is far from what most mums feel. I certainly felt like there was never any ‘me’ time, but I never made any time for me either, as I was caught in being the sacrificial 24/7 mum. The conscious choosing of a daily rhythm to include care for yourself feels key, as well as knowing you and your child deserve it.
“Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved.” what a beautiful example of parenting and one that inspires me further to deepen my love not only for me but to support myself in raising our daughter to be the amazing person she is.
Seeing everything and creating our own road map.. because there is no formula to parenting.
What a pressure a child must feel, if mom or dad is actually stressed underneath the skin and in fact only functioning. You can easily get the feeling of being too much for the parent and that you are not worth to be treated from a quality of love. So great how you describe your changes and revelations, that it is never about the task itself but the quality we are responsible for.
Parenting can be one of intuition and what we innately know or one that is based on doubt and constant second guessing. I know from my own upbringing when my parents spoke from their own lived experience and confidence it felt to be a true sharing not one of emptiness, and one that made sense
What children want, what we all want is to feel loved.
And this comes from a quality of movement, an emanation that holds and is beholding.
‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me, and my openness and willingness to be responsible and build consistency with both myself and others.’ When I feel I drop in consistency or feel that I need to deepen it there can be a tendency to hold on or go into protection – a sure indication that I need to up the level of care!
A beautiful sharing on parenting that allows us to feel and be in a flow with all that is presented to us” I learned to become more aware of the quality I was doing things in, not rushing, avoiding the overwhelm and exhaustion, and to observe: was I with myself in that moment as I was doing something “
That is quite a paradigm shift for the world: to see that parenting starts with self care for the parents. It makes so much sense.
What would happen if we treated our-self 24/7 like we were pregnant? Would our life change? What if this life was like an opening to bring a greater awareness so when we reincarnate we have gone through all the procedures needed for our next life in this life? Then are we not in the womb of God gestating away until we get enlightened by the truth of who we are.
The title of the blog brought me to a stop and caught my attention – ‘Parenting my First Child – Flying Blind or Creating my Own Road Map’. Although having no children, there was a familiar feeling of flying blind and always having to check with others to confirm that my choices were okay (ouch!) – there was no foundation of trust in my body to refer to at that time.
From participating in Esoteric Yoga sessions, and developing a strong and solid re-connection to my body and thus the innate stillness within was then possible. This re-connection re-built a deep awareness and trust of my body and the infinite inner wisdom therein. Our own road map, a blueprint of the truth of who we are energetically (multidimensional beings) is always there, to guide our way home to love and bring inner wisdom to all that we do in everyday life. Read more about Esoteric Yoga at http://www.unimedliving.com/yoga.
When our family feel our steadiness and consistency of connection to ourselves they can be supported and inspired to do the same.
By the blog you give today’s reminder to not focus on being perfect, doing it all, but be in a loving quality and let it all unfold and be held in a space.
What if it’s not just parenting that’s like this? What if our rhythm and the way that we move has the complete power to support all others too? And what if, we choose to rush and ignore, could that contribute to the mess that results in our world? It’s time we took stock and became willing to see that it’s our choice to embrace grace that effects everything. Thank you again Nicole.
Nicole – I just had a day with my daughter and nothing seemed to be easy. It didn’t flow, I got irritated, she was overtired. It was all too much. But reading your blog reminds me of the purpose of parenting and not getting in the way. Reflecting love back to children and knowing that they observe and feel so much.
Nicole; I have found from my experience that the most important thing for me about parenting is how I am – the quality in which I choose to live – am I being loving and caring of myself? If so then this is the quality in which I parent; ‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me,’
I’m not a parent as such but I work with kids every day and I love it, but the last week it’s really dawned on me that how I treat myself, how I care for myself, how I respect myself at home is something that is directly reflected to the kids in my lessons. You are right in that we are always role modelling, and it’s not just what we do in front of people, but what we do when we are on our own too.
Knowing that we innately know how to be if we connect and listen to our inner wisdom is very supportive.
“By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter.” Children are always aware of what is going on, they are so connected to what is happening around them. It makes so much sense that your daughter is learning from your reflection – I don’t think as adults we quite comprehend how wise our little ones are.
To share that children are all knowing is often shunned upon but what if we made this the norm. Could this possibly change the way we parent that comes from an equlaness than from the current model of ‘parents know best’.
The knowing that we have everything already that we need inside us is a great support with a first new baby. There is still a learning curve, but there is no right or wrong; there is a developing power than blooms from within.
To allow ourselves the space to learn, follow what feels true to use and take all the expectations away of what we ‘should’ be doing as opposed to just being present to the young that they are extraordinary just the way they are too.
What a great point, its our choice how we allow ourselves to learn or not – when to learn and what to learn – but learn as part of from our own inner knowing versus the reading a book and trying to remember.
‘We will not always get it right, and we do not have to – we are human and make mistakes. Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.’ We are not an ‘end result’ we are ”on our way’ – it is so important to cut the idea of ‘perfection’ and learn and live along the way according to the true impulses from our body. Taking responsibility is a great and empowering reflection for our kids.
‘…if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should live or how our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?’ yes, indeed. I’m seeing all the pictures I’ve subscribed to that I thought I would achieve that would make me happy and live a fulfilled life. Whilst watching a TV series and getting myself hooked this week I realise how deep these beliefs have run in my life.
Whilst feeling hurt as a child I craved company and looked to TV series where I liked the characters. They all seemed happy and got on so I thought if my life looked like theirs then my life would have love in it too. This completely ignored the fact that this was TV, it was actors with their own problems and unhappy families. But I clung to the stories and missed the gold that is always beneath our noses. What is in front of us is a perfect opportunity to evolve. So I’m going to feel all the seeming dullness I’ve tried to avoid through not just watching TV but trying to emulate what I’ve interpreted as successful on there and comparing my life in accordance to a vision that is false where the closest thing to this picture was what I considered success – as long as it looked good on the outside. This is where true appreciation restores us to ourselves and our truth.
A wonderful distinction that is made here – between ticking the boxes of parenting and actually sensing what there is next to be done, without self doubt or confusion – simply applying oneself to the task at hand with presence and commitment. This is beautiful parenting because it is fundamentally role-modelling how to be in this world without the drama of exhaustion dictating how life should or could be.
What don’t we know? Nothing.
Absolutely. But we have to be honest and say, that we often stick in the mud of pictures, ideals, recommendations from others, beliefs of how true parenting looks like. Pulling ourself peu a peu out of this mud and actually coming back to the authority of trusting in the universal knowing which gives you all the answers needed in every moment is a never ending process.
This responsibility for each and everyone of us is essential for us to support the next generation to be fully accepting and loving for who they are and not what they do or look like. I reflect back and can see how by not have those true reflections in my life the level of self-doubt and anxiousness was founded from that. Not feeling and know that I was totally amazing and everything that I ever needed to be.
There’s something to be said for the phrase ‘follow your nose’ in relation to parenting and creating our own road map. Trusting our senses is hugely important in developing a rhythm with our newly borns.
There is something about he nose that feels very intuitive, and it should be allowed to be developed, so it is not dismissed so easily.
When we are caring for others it can be tempting to forgo our own care and put the other first. When we do this though we lose some of our power and thus are not able to present them with the same quality of energy had we cared for ourselves first and allowed a continued deepening of care all round.
‘ I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.’ This is gold for all of us in life, something I’m doing more and more especially as there seem to be more things to do in the day. Responding to what is felt is really the only way, any other and I’m easily in overwhelm thinking about all there is to do or creating complication when what is needed is simplicity. Complication creates drama and takes up time. When I feel what there is to do then everything flows and completes.