Having children, parenting, the whole family equation, was not something I had given a lot of thought to, so when we had our daughter it was very much foreign ground for me. I felt I was either flying blind or treading water, learning as I went along. I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.
Although being a new mum, stopping was not something that happened often. Life was busy, fitting in being a mum, working, looking after the household and of course taking care of myself. It was often the taking care of myself part that kept creeping up on me: I felt it was really important not to lose myself in being a mother, that I still mattered and was worth taking time for. It seemed to be a trap that I could so easily fall into if I allowed myself, putting everyone else first, leaving what little time that was left for myself to get dressed, shower or eat.
I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.
So I kept it simple, picking a time to shower that allowed me the space to do so without rushing, whether that be with my daughter napping, playing quietly after a feed, or even set up on the bathroom floor watching me. It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.
I learned to become more aware of the quality I was doing things in, not rushing, avoiding the overwhelm and exhaustion, and to observe: was I with myself in that moment as I was doing something or was I already living one step ahead of myself and had already moved onto the next… my mind always thinking, “What’s next?”
By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter. An “A-HA” moment you could say – that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything.
I saw that If I chose to take responsibility for how I moved and the way I did things, then I had the choice to create a day that flowed or not. I allowed myself the space to not always get it right, to be open to and aware of my quality, and if I was present or distracted: was I simply ticking the boxes, or was I feeling what was needed in each moment and moving from that space?
Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me, and my openness and willingness to be responsible and build consistency with both myself and others.
Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved. I took the time to stop and feel how I allowed myself the space to eat a meal, to choose clothes and shoes that supported me, and truly accepting and loving myself for the woman I am. Without needing anything from her, my daughter was left to be herself, not having to fulfil any of my expectations, ideals or images I may have had of how I needed her to be for me.
We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.
We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time. It is here where our responsibility as a parent begins: it begins with ourselves and self-care, and from this we create our own road map in how to truly parent and support our children.
We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents. If we are not gentle, loving and accepting of ourselves, if we do not allow ourselves to feel how the choices we make impact on our body and everything around us, if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should or our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?
We will not always get it right, and we do not have to – we are human and make mistakes. Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar, NSW
Further Reading:
From reactions and tensions, to harmony within the family
We are all role models
What is a Relationship with Myself?
364 Comments
Great article Nicole. Aren’t children a perfect reflection of how we live? Just as the people around us, the world around us, only that children give a more direct reflection as they are less conditioned by society.
We are slowly changing the way we raise our next generation by treating them and everyone with the same respect and love with the way we treat ourselves. We did not get to the state we are currently in overnight, but the first step has been taken to return to the truth of who we are.
I felt it was really important not to lose myself in being a mother, that I still mattered and was worth taking time for.’
Many new mothers struggle with this, balancing taking care of baby with care of themselves. And the scales usually tip towards baby and woman gets neglected. What you share supports us to see the value of equally honouring and nurturing both roles.
Nicole I love what you have shared about raising your daughter as it seems to be more easily and more joyful to do it your way as in the way I saw it with other mothers. To be honest all this to do’s and have and must do’s around being a mother and motherhood was always what puts me off. Therefore this life time I chose to be not a mother. But with what you have shared opens up a door to the possibility to be a mother in my next life. And perhaps you are inspiring younger women who where similar to me to be more interested in motherhood in your way.
There is a quality of never give to yourself but give all to your child mentality in the mother consciousness, so no doubt it is so easy to lose ourselves. Calling that out and being aware of this brings us back to the truth that we as mothers and parents deserve to be cared for and when we do that for ourselves we bring a deeper care to our children.
It is beautiful how you describe parenting yourself for if you don’t take care of and parent yourself how can you take care of anyone else?
Hear hear – so it is.
‘Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved. ‘ Nicole, this is pure gold. It’s also a quality that whatever roles we are doing in our day we can bring the quality of ourselves first, the connection to the love within, the connection to the grandness that can come through us for us all to feel loved and held.
The things we fly blind into are often the most magical and the things we know tend to get complicated and ‘heady’ due to our obsession with control and knowledge.
A brilliant reminder that there’s no ‘off’ switch on Responsibility when it comes to being a parent. It also holds true for any adult who has contact with children. All our actions, movements and words are clocked and logged, evidenced in those often memorable moments of guffaw when we realise our so-called bad habits, sayings or characteristics have just been expressed back to us in miniature form. That’s the fun part, but it’s also serious business. We are the role models of our future adults in the most ancient form of Talent Management and Succession Planning known to man – and we forget our responsibility in this at great cost to future society.
I am also amazed sometimes how much space and time opens up in my day when I stay consciously present with my body and feel what is the next thing to be done.
By including ourselves in the equation of all our responsibilities we bring the rhythm and quality that makes the space for our day to flow.
It is super supportive that you gave yourself the space to feel not only what your daughter needed but also what would support you as well as allowing yourself ‘to not always get it right’. As a new mother it amazed me how everyone had an opinion about what I should be doing with my daughter and although I could often clearly feel what she needed I found the constant stream of suggestions/advice could get to me if I was feeling tired or overwhelmed. The way you are choosing to parent is such an awesome reflection for all parents and caregivers.
“that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything.” What a great life lesson to know and to live from.
I very much agree, how we are and how we treat ourselves has an enormous impact on our children and everyone around us.
Yes Nicole the quality of our relationship with ourselves is of paramount importance as this is the role modelling our children pickup on.
Yes I agree this is probably the greatest thing that children learn from their parents – the quality of the relationship we have with with ourselves as parents which then impacts on our relationships with others including our children and this can either be a thing that holds our children back in life as they grow up or it can be a wonderful head start and inspiration.
Very true, kids learn non-stop from what they see so if they see their parents neglecting themselves that’s ultimately going to contribute to their own future relationship with themselves.
Rituals, routines, rhythms – give me space for the rest of my life to flow and when I drop these, then my day immediately becomes about time and tension. The difference is palpable
This is so beautifully said Otto – these rituals, routines and rhythms are key in giving our day a flow, and so they are applicable in all areas of our life really. They are the things that support us and give us the space to feel what is needed next. Thank you for this great reminder and inspiration to consolidate my rituals and rhythms in order to support me more in times when I feel so limited with the space I have created!
‘I felt it was really important not to lose myself in being a mother, that I still mattered and was worth taking time for. ‘ This is a fabulous piece of advice for any new mum.
For any child to feel the steadiness of another is the true gold in which they can feel met and loved. No amount of toys will last the length of time that this interrelation holds the child in.
Nicole, this article is great to read. I can feel how I often think that there is not enough time to do the things I need to because I am with my son and so I love how you are sharing that if we put ourselves in the equation and feel what is needed then there is plenty of time.
I don’t have any children but reading this blog has totally inspired me to have time for me. I have been working lots and being really busy and I suppose likwise the same with having children I have tended to put myself second…. though I can feel there is a change coming here and reading your blog this morning is perfect timing.
Most see parenting as something we do as a set of chores but what if our quality is the most important? How we move through the day, how we organise things, how we care for ourselves and the baby etc.
I love that you describe parenting from a quality perspective – the quality of how you care for yourself and the quality in which you do everything that then becomes a role model for all the children
‘Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved’. Very true Nicole and relatable to many fields of work. I work as a carer and
and know my quality supports my client in the same way you describe.
Nicole, the steadiness you’ve built for yourself comes through in your writing. I felt held and supported as I read in the way, I’m sure, your child does. Parenting is often sold as something we do for children, not how we are with ourselves. This article breaks the mould and shows the importance of self care and having routines, and rhythms in place for ourselves.
When I am not myself I notice big time that how I am with myself affects everything especially my relationship with my husband and children. I am beginning to see and acknowledge that even though I may not bring money into the home that how I am with myself sets the foundation for the whole family, a responsibility that I have made light of in the past due to the lack of self worth and acceptance of who I truly am.
It’s super-important for women in particular to apply the ‘oxygen mask’ theory to life: support yourself first before your child / co-workers / employees / organisation / family / friends. Not doing so results in compromise, exhaustion and ill health.
I’ve not raised a child but I can certainly relate to the ‘life as a blur’ phenomenon. The principles outlined here apply equally to all situations and roles.
In our society in general we need to educate young people about the role of being a parent – that ‘having kids’ is not just something you ‘do’… its a responsibility, a commitment and dedication to bringing, supporting and evolving another human being in the world. And reincarnation would need to be in the picture too… as our young may be the ones looking after us in old age and or potentially those we come back to as our parents!
This is a powerful read Nicole of how parenting can truly be. It brings the honesty and responsibility, commitment and dedication to the role of being parents, and whether we have children or not, as adults we still need to set boundaries and ‘parent’ the children around us.
“….if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should or our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?” – absolutely, it is for a child to know its own truth via our own… for what we are, we reflect to all in its entirety.
I think that if we as adults truly knew just how much children observe (and it’s without judgement) that we would automatically be far more responsible for how we were. On some level we do know this though – as I feel like this is the reason why control can play a part in parenting or even professions such as teaching. If there’s control over a child, they tend to not freely express and adults are not exposed to just how much the children are reading, seeing, feeling and are aware of.
I have certainly observed adults try to control the expression of children. Children will comment without judgement and an adult, feeling the accuracy of the observation but then adding their own self judgement to the equation will then often react. Children are taught to be nice and polite and that pointing out what actually does need to be named they then learn is forbidden – it is being rude.
I know I grew up experiencing saying what seemed plainly obvious, caused unintentional reactions so stuffed down my expression. We have now a society that learnt not to speak up because those in power may react – rather than our parents, who could wield conditional ‘love’ over us, reprimand us etc. it can be our bosses. Returning to speaking up with love is something I am returning to, even if it’s acknowledging truth to myself. Otherwise great force is needed to bury what is true into the body and this is toxic. This is the process we expect from our young when we do this ourselves. It is a crime against humanity and who we truly are.
I was looking after a young baby last night who woke up and was distressed. I could feel with the crying that my body went into anxiousness and then I was more racey trying to settle the baby. I clocked this in my body and then allowed myself to relax and not go up. As I settled very soon after the baby settled and then went back to sleep.
Yes, it is a little more subtle without children as we need to feel the effect of the quality of our movements and actions within ourselves – with children there is instant feedback, as you said Gill.
I am learning more and more how important the quality is in which I am working and moving and living. It is just as important and likely more important than the outcome of what I am doing.
Great point Christoph – I have also found that when I have not moved in a quality that reflects my true being, my work does not flow and everything takes longer. When I then move with conscious presence and consciously breathing my own breath, everything moves back into flow.
I love the idea of you creating your own road map for parenting – working out what was needed for you and your daughter as you went along rather than being pressured into following someone else’s rules or suggestions. Being open to feeling what your baby needed whilst also paying attention to yourself and what would support you is surely the best way to live a harmonious life rather than feeling under pressure to conform to pictures of what the perfect parent should be doing at any particular stage which leaves everyone feeling frazzled and out of sorts.
I love how you’ve not copied what society says, but instead come up with your own way of parenting based on what is needed for your child at that time. It’s the same way we are raising our daughter and at times I stop and wonder how other people are going, yet in conversations most people seem to struggle with how to deal with raising kids. The nutshell really is parent from connection to you and your child and everything will take care of itself.
It seems to be that we like to think that we live independent of anyone else, that we exist in this world in ‘perfect isolation’. Yet our relationships of every kind are here to show us that is simply a lie. Everything we choose true or not comes back to us all directly. Our every choice contributes to a pool that others tap into. So which pool is it we are feeding and making a dominant feeling here on this earth? Our true power and influence is off the charts – so inspired by you Nicole I say ‘let’s get to work’.
Role modeling is an essential awareness and responsibility – forming the foundation of what the next generation deems as normal and acceptable. By what’s going on in the world it feels like there is a call to shift the role modeling stereo-type from super-person back to integrity-person.
I love how routines, rituals offer me the foundation for everything and give the space to flow with the rhythm that is sync with the universe and thus supports all equally.
As a parent of three I too have read much about parenting and been given reams of advice on the do’s and don’ts; but I have rarely come across such simple wisdom as this. I have enormous respect and appreciation for the choices that you have made, the things you have seen and the clarity with which you have shared your wisdom with the world, by which all of us can be inspired. You are a very special parent.
‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body’ I don’t remember any of this being taught when I was a mother-to-be or if it was, I didn’t listen. What you write here is so important for all mothers to read.
What a Love role you have shared Nicole, and learning how to parent on the run so to speak has been something you are well on the way to mastery. Finding our feet in life is Truly a way that sets us up for most challenges in life or as you say; Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.
Wow, Nicole. There’s so much wisdom we can connect to when we pay attention to how we live our everyday simple life. It’s totally inspiring to feel how it comes out of and back to the way you live, no picture or ideal.
Parenting is easy when we are in tune with what is needed, both for the individual and for society as a whole.
This is the key. Parenting for society as a whole – rather than for the individual child. With this approach huge momentums of ideals, beliefs, patterns and reactions will be cleared and we will start to bring forth the next generation with true purpose and then feel, embrace and be inspired by the leadership that they offer.
“It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.” I love this. What I find is knowing when to go deeper or simplifying the everyday stuff that is a part of my normal day living. If I am feeling something awkward or not willing to do something I have felt I know the feeling is there to honour.
“Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.”
As a parent of 3 young children i can absolutely concur that the returns of this self loving, self responsible relationship is the way forward, the commitment to building and refining a rhythm that supports you through your days is undoubtedly one of the greatest forms of living medicine.
Totally agree with you Lucinda and with Nicole. And yet, the building of a rhythm that looks after the mother first, is something that is very rarely considered and certainly not a priority in the majority of society; in fact, more often than not, a mother is expected to almost entirely abandon themselves and focus all of their love and attention on the child. Quite apart from the fact that this has catastrophic effects on the well-being of the mother, what kind of example is this to the child – abandon yourself for another – hardly the best life lesson?!
‘We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.’ I know very much from experience that the quality I am in impacts on my children hugely. When I am off, they are off – bickering and winding each other up – when I am on and connected they feel more open and everything in the family feels more harmonious. The power we have really shouldn’t be underestimated – and if this is what is happening on a micro scale then on a macro scale (if we include every family on the planet) then we can see how each individual has a responsibility in the home for all.
‘I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.’ How much of life do we negate what we feel in favour of the advice we receive outside of us? Parenting can be such a minefield and so much overwhelm and feelings of inadequacy often arise. Its beautiful to hear about another way of being that is truly supportive not just for the kids, but for the parents also. Thanks for sharing.
I love how you have claimed yourself within parentlng. Providing space for ourselves in any situation is important. It puts everything in perspective.
“We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents.” So true we are constantly reflecting to the next generation, our livingness is the key. The more we live the true us our true connection of our essence with full awareness the more we will offer for the future generation.
If we are to be completely honest with ourselves, none of us knew how to truly parent until we met Serge Benhayon. I can honestly say this to be true for myself. I met Serge Benhayon when my daughter was 9. I was a single mother and working full time the support I encountered was amazing because I didn’t feel alone anymore being the sole parent. Both me and my daughter were treated as family and it was such a relief to have another perspective to support me if I went into overwhelm. The level of support the Benhayon family has given me and my daughter can be echoed by thousands of people around the world, I have come to know what true family looks and feels like.
Very true Nicole. Not only are we constant role models for children, ours or not, we don’t have to get it right we just need to be real, present and committed. There can be no better example for a young child growing up than a parent who chooses to include themselves in the daily care rituals. It builds an inner stability that the child can depend upon and from which allows them to connect with their own steadiness and self care. These to me are far more important lessons to learn at an early age than learning to read or write. These things will come very naturally when as the child grows, because our curiosity and learning is very innate when we feel confident, safe and held.
To stop and truly feel the inner wisdom that is available to guide us through life in a way that is true is invaluable for true parenting of children and future generations.
Most parents expect their children to be in a rhythm – like getting ready for school by a certain time, in a certain flow, or having dinner or going to bed early – but how can we implement and expect our children to be in line with those rhythms if we first do not exhibit this for ourselves? They watch everything and know when we are not walking our talk.
“By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter” We are all connected – families just demonstrate this in a more obvious manner. Young children are so sensitive they pick up very easily on vibes with in a family.
Nicole, I really enjoy reading your articles on parenting and how you share another way of being as a parent, this is gold; ‘I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.’ I can feel how this can apply to everyone, whether we are a parent or not, I sometimes feel like life is a blur if I am not looking after myself and allowing myself the time to care for and be with myself in a gentle, loving way.
This is a great what you share Nicole, that we are the role models for future generations. To me this means that we can change the world in how we interact with people and live with one another in families, in our societies and in the world on a larger scale just from us choosing to live in another more loving way and to reflect that back in how we are in everything that we do and interaction we have.
Young children sometimes show great wisdom in parenting their parents by making it clear how they enjoy being treated.
Your blog should be issued with every first child. What kind of world would we be living in after just one generation?
Yes how awesome would it be for everyone – mums, babies and all future generations – a wonderful world indeed.
What a rock you are Nicole.. and what rocks we can all be to those around us too especially in the workplace where our colleagues and bosses, customers, clients can all be looked at with the same observation you hold your daughter in – that how you, your quality affects her.
When we take loving care of ourselves we don’t need anything from anyone else… the loving care is there, and it doesn’t ask anything of another – they are left to be themselves.
A beautiful droplet of wisdom Paula. Thank you.
Today I have just been learning about order, ceremony, ritual, magic and flow and I feel this ties in with what you have shared especially creating space for you with order so you could truly support your family. For example order is what we set up as the background to support us and our next move. When we start to truly understand order, ceremony, ritual and magic we can see just how this is part of our life in an everyday way.
Bringing ourselves into the equation is crucial in more ways than one. Not only does building in the order and rhythm that suits and supports us mean we keep consideration for ourselves, but also staying with our movements as we work through the order of the day means we’re not leaving ourselves behind.
I love your approach and wisdom with parenting Nicole. I find parenting is certainly not about getting it right but about being open to learn, to be loving and gentle with ourselves and then parenting just comes naturally. It is amazing what happens when we let go of control and let love guide us.
Mmm reading the options here of feeling in my body and what is needed versus my brain’s “what’s next?” is a no brainer in terms of supporting myself or draining myself.
I can totally say that children watch and feel everything. I observe how my toddler just clocks what is happening around her, and then reflects back to me where everyone is at. She will have a tantrum if I have even the tiniest bit of need for her to do something. She will be rough with me when I am not being gentle, it is all an amazing communication for us to both develop, and for me to reflect back to her what responsibility is.
Lovely sharing thank you, it pays to observe closely and feel into the reflections offered.
Nicole perfect timing as we are raising our daughter and what I’ve noticed is that we are naturally finding our way, taking care of us, responding to what she needs and treating her like one of us equally so. I’ve noticed also that we have to be careful not to worry when we speak with other families who have their own opinions on how things should be, as it can be the same as reading a book that tells us what to do without knowing the unique essence of our child.
Yes David we can fall into the trap of relying on books to tell us how to parent. It makes sense that you know your child better than anyone so following what feels right for you is going to be more supportive.
It is so true we can easily get lost in the pictures of what it means to be a parent, and then spend a lot of time worrying that we may be getting it all wrong.
Yeah it is very easy to do that and I have done that too, and observed the result of that as well. With the support of Serge Benhayon and the studies with Universal Medicine it became real easy to let go of the ‘ideal’ of a parent, connect to my self and feel what is needed, in the knowing that our children fully have chosen to whom to come as their parents…
So true, that we are role models despite being parents or not. We all have a responsibility to live who we truly are and care for ourselves and reflect that back to those growing up in a world that has been completely taken over by false pictures of how to be, how to act and how to look.
Another great contribution on parenting Nicole. Bringing more focus to quality allows us to connect to the inner part of us that as woman and mothers is sometimes neglected due to overwhelm or lack of appreciation. Remembering that we are shaping the future generation is a great way to snap ourselves out of the “get things done mode” we can all slip into as parents, thanks for the hot tips!
If I could re-do bringing up my children! No, actually I did what I thought was best at the time and regret is a completely wasted emotion. I chose to bring it in when I knew there was a different way and even then there was an enormous shift for my children. I imposed so much less, I took responsibility for myself and that is such a gift to our children no matter what age we start.
Thank you Nicole, getting lost in parenting or any other carer role would likely be very common. What you have shared here challenges the idea that time doesn’t allow space for the carer to be held equally in the equation. I agree that children are always learning, by placing them first and ourselves as parents or carers last on the list we are role modelling to them that we are just here for others and that self disregard is normal. It’s much more beneficial for the child to have self love and self care role modelled, not the self sacrifice. If the parent is able to self love the child is also then held in the love the parent is able to live for themselves.
This is all so very true Nicole. Reflection is EVERYTHING – how we think, speak and move is all recorded energetically and also registered by everyone around us. This is not to make us paranoid that ‘big brother is watching’ (!) but more so to remind us of the incredible effect our living way has on those we live with and the responsibility we each have to be, to the best of our ability with no perfection, a point of light that offers a reflection of all that is true, rather than reflect a withdrawal away from such beauty.
It is such a simple concept you are describing here, that everybody can do, role modelling, and we do it all the time anyways as we are always being watched or seen by others. And this brings the responsibility to the fore that we have, how am I and what quality do I bring to life in every moment?
Nicole such awesome awareness and true livingness expressed here. I feel every potential parent should read this great offering so that they too, could approach parenthood in this most natural, loving and truly supportive way for all.
When women go down the track of identifying themselves with their role as a mother and put themselves last, everyone gets affected. Babies and young children, who feel everything, pick it up in no time at all. They often react by being unsettled or out of sorts, leading to unhealthy sleeping patterns and eating habits later on. They take their cues from us, after all.
Love this Nicole, could this way of parenting be okay for us all to return to who we “truly are?” So what you have shared we can all take a similar approach in our own lives as we learn to reconnect to the inner-most?
Lets start with do we know how to be at-least “Gentle,” with our-self first so we still do “matter,” and need to spend time reconnecting as in The Gentle Breath Meditation.
For more on the Gentle Breath Meditation go to;
FREE GENTLE BREATH MEDITATION
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=Free+Gentle+Breath+Meditation
As we are the biggest mirror for our growing children we then have a huge responsibility to ensure that what we are reflecting to them is of a quality that will support them and inspire them to be all that they are as they grow. Yes this can feel like a huge burden at times but how wonderful it is to know that by living this quality we are being “role models for our future generation” even and generations after that.
It is an important lesson provided through observing that “if I choose to take responsibility for how I move and the way I do things, then I have the choice to create a day that flows or not.” How much of our anxiousness, overwhelm and lack of time to do things self-created?
Nicole, this is very beautiful to read, I can feel with my son that at first I got caught up thinking I had to entertain him and that he could not be left alone and that if I wanted to do something for myself it had to be quick – this was exhausting and unsustainable for me. I now allow this time for me and it feels so important and effects how I am with my son, this felt key to me, if I was feeling well then he would be fine, if I felt I had not had enough time for me I would get frustrated, resentful and this obviously was not great for him or me, so from experience I would say that there is nothing selfish about us taking care of ourselves and allowing ourselves the time and care to nurture ourselves, it is for me essential.
Even if we aren’t parents our actions and our quality are watched and taken on by others. Until attending Universal Medicine events this fact wasn’t even spoken about or in my conscious foreground. But who hasn’t as a kid (or adults!) been influenced by the actions of another? And thus changed or modelled themselves to how another lives? Like taking up a hobby or certain phrases or accents, wearing certain clothing etc. Everything we do is role modelling for others.
Reading this now that my sons are teenagers I understand the importance of being a role model and taking responsibility for how I am and the quality in which I do everything, however, I didn’t have that awareness at the forefront when they were babies. One thing I did make sure is that I showered first thing in the morning, that was non-negotiable and would set me up for the day. I got lost in being a Mother, and at times think where on earth did that come from when I would act or talk a certain way. Your blog is very practical, real and honouring, looking at what our true purpose and responsibility is with ourselves and with parenting children.
The practicality of following what we feel when parenting is something that I am deeply starting to appreciate, for example in the past I would be full of concern of how to do things right and reading up the best ways. It’s fantastic to let that go and get into a flow not a he said/she said so I must do x way.
I can relate to “I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything.”. Supporting routine for kids is king when raising children and getting our rhythm will allow the kids to be felt held. Without any perfection and based on my experience of raising kids, routine and rhythm are heavenly and that’s all we need for a lovely experience of raising kids.
Very humbling and refreshing to read Nicole. Giving ourselves the space to actually feel we aren’t perfect and will make mistakes, this is a healthy thing we require.
“We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents.” This sentence is very truly. We are all responsible for the next generation and the more of us who live with this awareness the brighter our future will be.
I feel joyful about what you write Elizabeth, as it makes changing the world actually very simple and as all starts with changing our own lives first by making simple loving choices in the first place.
Yes living in the present in the way we would like the future to be – if we all did that how awesome that would be as we could see true change in how the world operates…
We are all watching each other all the time no matter what your age. We may not physically put our eyes on everything but we can see everything from a feeling perspective. Parenting, what a topic and more often then not it’s one we are constantly bombarded with needing to do this, have that, take this, give that and yet no where until Universal Medicine have we been asked to stop and take a moment to feel what we truly want to choose next. Parenting has less to do with children then we think and like everything how you are, the quality you live with yourself in each moment will dictate what is next.
It’s very true Nicole…we are all role models for children whether we have them or not. I have been aware of that with my friends children and even been aware when a small child has been observing me closely. Even when they aren’t they are feeling every move, as we all are. Their awareness is more acute. We really can’t expect children to raise themselves, children do need the support of adults around them, setting firm boundaries, so they can thrive as they grow well into adulthood.
This is a great article for parents. Some of the biggest traps are highlighted here and also the very simple counter to falling for those traps. Parenting from what we think we should be doing is one of the traps. Disregarding ourselves and only focussing on the child is another. Developing a strong connection with your body and its natural rhythms is something I had to learn the hard way, after being a self-sacrificing 24/7 mum and becoming completely exhausted.
My first child was over thirty years ago but I do remember discovering, especially with my second child that I knew more what was needed than all the ‘advisors’ around me
Me too Carmel, when I dropped what I was ‘told’ and trusted in what I was feeling everything becomes so much lighter and easier. Yes there were challenges however they became much easier to handle because by trusting what I felt was needed at the time the answers to these challenges came much quicker too
Just like with everything else in life it is with parenting: quality first. Any compromise and attachment to an outcome, ideal or belief will be reflected back to us by our surroundings and the flow or rather not flow of things.
If we ever complain and do not like the way humanity is and where it currently is at then we have to be the role models of a true way for the next generation so that the current way of life is not the way of life of the future.
Hear hear Joshua- well expressed and 100% so – how can anything ever change if we don’t first start with ourselves. Living the present how we would like the future to be is where it’s at.
It is interesting, whilst reading this I remembered that when my children were young I found myself needing a cup of tea before dealing with anything else the day had in store. But I came to feel how harming this was, as my children, being their joyful selves often pushed all my buttons and I was quite testy until after that cuppa. Something inside me knew this was not ok, my girls needed a very present, rested, steady Mum and so I gave up drinking tea. This choice was not a pleasant one, the first week found me with headaches and feeling so ill so as that I needed to often just lie down on the floor, but I persevered and I am glad I did, as no tea, brought the steadiness that was needed for both my children and myself.
“We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.” Having not attended to myself with my own two children – putting everyone else’s needs first – I now have the opportunity to be – with my grand children. What a difference this makes!
“We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like” … yes this is very true and applies to just about everything parenting, relationships, work etc etc we have all these pictures and ideas about how things ‘should’ be and how we should be and how we should feel – but really if as Nicole describes we come back to the quality of how we live and move it is all known and very simple and should does not come into it.
It might seem counter intuitive but if we look around at life’s events and don’t like what we see, it’s a cue to go deeper inside. For the way that we are, the quality in which we move and things that we choose all have much greater effect than we like to realise. It’s convenient on one hand to play dumb but the sucker punch is we are the ones in the first place, who are causing ourselves all the pain. Thank you Nicole for bringing this truth home, it’s way bigger than just raising kids it applies to how we nurture the whole of life.
Bringing this commitment to ourselves, how we are, the quality that we choose, the level of care, creates a way of being that deepens the love we feel for ourselves and lets us appreciate ourselves. When we build in to our day a walk, a shower or bath when we are unlikely to be disturbed, massaging moisturising cream on our bodies, preparing a lovely meal, lying down on the sofa with an eye pillow and breathing gently, reading an inspirational text. All this can contribute to the foundation of our road map. Doing these things on a consistent basis creates a rhythm that the body seems to love and we feel that love as we do them.
‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me, and my openness and willingness to be responsible and build consistency with both myself and others.’ This is a beautiful wisdom shared Nicole. In truth, if we are not nurturing ourselves we cannot do this for another or nurture our relationships.
So true Michelle and Nicole. For only what we develop in ourselves and really embody – can we then share that and that quality with others.
Exactly so – with our selves first, as that will then spill over into everything we do and come into contact with.
A beautiful reminder of how important it is to maintain our own rhythm and flow during the day and to bring true quality to all that we do. Not only in parenting – with every relationship that we have, including the quality that we take care of ourselves.
Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me, and my openness and willingness to be responsible and build consistency with both myself and others.
Consistency and the willingness to build it, I have also found this to be super supportive in every aspect. When I allow my responsibility to slip – it is very noticeable and feels awful in my body and the quality I share with others.
I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment. How true this is for all of us, in life too. Our bodies are so naturally, infinitely capable of communicating to us what is needed in any given moment.
Listening to our inner feelings and letting them guide us, I have found is my greatest support.
I can confirm that for myself too. If I stop and listen and feel, so many things fall by the wayside that seemed in the way just a moment ago. It is taking that time to truly connect and touch base with self that allows for so much more clarity which is hugely supportive in all we are and do.
Love this article Nicole, the truth is our children feel every thought and movement which for most of us is an uncomfortable realisation and one most of us may skirm away from or dismiss. But I know this to be true and living with that level of care and love for ourselves is the most important thing we can be for our children and everyone around us.
This is very true Vanessa and Nicole. Our children feel, I would say, more than adults simply because they are more aware of what they are feeling. They feel everything from the quality we are to how things are around the home to what is brought into the home and ways of being. This blog is great as it brings that self care and responsibility back to the self so that we are aware of the quality we share.
As you say we ALL feel everything all the time whether we are aware of it or not. Children are more aware and then gradually this is drummed out of us but it never stops affecting us. In fact it is because we can’t handle all that we feel and don’t acknowledge that we often end up numbing ourselves with food, substances, work and a zillion and other things.
Absolutely Vanessa. I have clocked time without number how I am with myself (both positively and negatively) affects how my children feel and express. When we become aware of our energetic responsibility on the micro scale then it is soon easy to clock how that affects the macro one and that indeed the responsibility we have in the home directly influences our communities, societies, countries and ultimately the world.
I couldn’t agree more Vanessa. Our children watch our every move and will copy our habits and behaviours. We would do well to adopt a loving and tender approach when it comes to looking after ourselves so that they will be inspired to do the same, as they will see that it not only works but that it benefits all equally.
Very true, the impact of our behaviour as adults and parents goes so much deeper than we appreciate. Every child, whether they are our own or not, soaks the behaviours of the adults around them and this begins on such a subtle level. The quality of our choices, habits, words and postures are seen and copied at every turn, therefore the quality and integrity of how we conduct ourselves matters 24/7.
Yes it is definitely all pointing towards loving ourselves to the maximum with deep love and care.
They are on the ball far more than we want them to be. A blog like this is a great marker of truth that would be a great tool for parenting agencies and education systems worldwide.