Having children, parenting, the whole family equation, was not something I had given a lot of thought to, so when we had our daughter it was very much foreign ground for me. I felt I was either flying blind or treading water, learning as I went along. I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.
Although being a new mum, stopping was not something that happened often. Life was busy, fitting in being a mum, working, looking after the household and of course taking care of myself. It was often the taking care of myself part that kept creeping up on me: I felt it was really important not to lose myself in being a mother, that I still mattered and was worth taking time for. It seemed to be a trap that I could so easily fall into if I allowed myself, putting everyone else first, leaving what little time that was left for myself to get dressed, shower or eat.
I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.
So I kept it simple, picking a time to shower that allowed me the space to do so without rushing, whether that be with my daughter napping, playing quietly after a feed, or even set up on the bathroom floor watching me. It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.
I learned to become more aware of the quality I was doing things in, not rushing, avoiding the overwhelm and exhaustion, and to observe: was I with myself in that moment as I was doing something or was I already living one step ahead of myself and had already moved onto the next… my mind always thinking, “What’s next?”
By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter. An “A-HA” moment you could say – that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything.
I saw that If I chose to take responsibility for how I moved and the way I did things, then I had the choice to create a day that flowed or not. I allowed myself the space to not always get it right, to be open to and aware of my quality, and if I was present or distracted: was I simply ticking the boxes, or was I feeling what was needed in each moment and moving from that space?
Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me, and my openness and willingness to be responsible and build consistency with both myself and others.
Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved. I took the time to stop and feel how I allowed myself the space to eat a meal, to choose clothes and shoes that supported me, and truly accepting and loving myself for the woman I am. Without needing anything from her, my daughter was left to be herself, not having to fulfil any of my expectations, ideals or images I may have had of how I needed her to be for me.
We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.
We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time. It is here where our responsibility as a parent begins: it begins with ourselves and self-care, and from this we create our own road map in how to truly parent and support our children.
We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents. If we are not gentle, loving and accepting of ourselves, if we do not allow ourselves to feel how the choices we make impact on our body and everything around us, if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should or our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?
We will not always get it right, and we do not have to – we are human and make mistakes. Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar, NSW
Further Reading:
From reactions and tensions, to harmony within the family
We are all role models
What is a Relationship with Myself?
364 Comments
If each of us is different in our own expression yet the same in essence it makes sense that each child might need to be met in a different way. That does not mean not lovingly offering limits and boundaries for them to be supported by.
” I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” A beautiful sharing on parenthood with the love and care we have for ourselves first in a consistency presence and rhythm being the basis for all our parenting and life.
Rhythms and rituals can support a whole family to flow, a whole workplace, relationship, project and anything that involves people.
‘I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything.’ yes when we don’t have a rhythm and routine for ourselves as a foundation we can end up frazzled from trying to do everything with no base to support or to come back to.
Also, this routine supports children to connect to the ease of working in a flow that lends itself to environments outside the family home.
“I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” This takes great courage to do , as we only have ourselves to blame if we make a mistake. However, when we realise it is through trial and error that we grow our wisdom of experience, it becomes a point of personal power to make this inner choice to listen, read and understand each situation from our own conscious presence.
Very wise words from a woman who is living her talk. Starting with awareness to what you have shared and then building consistency with it, is a great first step to parenting responsibly, we can then offer our children a true reflection to observe.
There is so much pressure on mothers and fathers getting it right, and this can come from many different areas of our lives, from magazines, society pressure, other mothers, our parents and other family members – the list is endless, and so is the pressure. There seems to be so much advice out there that people have lost their confidence that they will know what is best for their child and to go with that. Instead, we are always drawn to listen to someone else who may not even know our children.
I love that you talk about not having to ‘get it right’… this is a momentous bit of myth busting for the ideals and pressure to achieve perfect parenting.
It is very true that all of us are parents whether we have our own biological children or not. We are role models for all the children we come across. The question then needs to be – what quality of role model do we want to be? To dismiss ourselves as not having any responsibility over children that are not our own is a cop-out. Children are asking for the reflection of truth, and it is the lack of this that then leads to the increasing rates of abuse and self-abuse that is now, sadly, very common in our societies.
I was speaking with a young mum the other day and she felt the same that she was flying blind and at times did not feel supported. As others have shared in the comments we are innately wise and know it is just a case of re-connecting to this and trusting what we feel, I guess it is just a case of wanting this to be confirmed back to us by someone.
We can only have time for what we need if we create the space to have it.
If we think we have no time for us during the day because we have so much to do, let’s trick our mind… why not starting by adding our self-care to our list of tasks (in the first place of it) and see what happens? Why not exploring it, as well as the way our relationships unfold from that point?
Such great wisdom shared here Nicole. A point that really stood out was how truly loving, honouring and nurturing it is for a child to be met by a parent that is free from needing the child to be a certain way to fulfill the parent’s needs. In honouring who we are first, we are then able to meet any child with a quality that honors who they are, so they are confirmed and free to explore who they are, and living with the confidence of truly knowing themselves is fostered.
How we are in every moment every day affects us and those around us – this is a big responsibility to accept and then to live this in a loving way for self and all.
“I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.” When I had my son I felt like everything was thrown in the air and I struggled to have any kind of rhythm of self care in my life – it was like I got consumed by the everyday aspect of caring for a little one. In the mornings I sometimes had one choice – either have breakfast or a shower, most mornings neither happened unless someone else was around to help. Partly this was because my son was reacting to something in my breast milk and spent the whole day and night crying with little to no solace other than being carried upright. It could be said that this can throw off your rhythm, and it sure did contribute to this, but most importantly I felt there was no rhythm I had set solidly to care for myself first, and I feel this is what challenged me the most. Thankfully over time, I have learned that I am just as important as my son, the family and work etc – in this I have learned to hold a rhythm that supports me! What a learning!
Thank you for sharing this Henrietta; I am sure that many of us feel like this when we are first time parents and it is definitely all too common for us to abandon ourselves in the process of putting our child’s needs first. As the significant role models in our children’s lives, it is really important that they are living alongside people who take loving responsibility for themselves… so much is learnt through observation.
The ideal of right and wrong is so damaging in our way of living. There is no right and wrong and so it is important to always feel what is true in any moment and not work to what has simply become a socially accepted construct.
It is so true that we do have to forge our own way… But until we know ourselves it simply must be that we are flying blind.
It feels like we are never truly blind as when we allow all is given to us in every moment for what we need however this does mean letting go of picture based on ideals and beliefs and allowing a trust in what we feel.
‘I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything.’ – a great piece of advice that holds true throughout our life. We can’t truly support or care for another if we are not already doing that for ourselves first. Developing our rhythm, one that truly honours where we are at, supports us throughout our day to day with a solid loving foundation.
Everything and everyone in life is a wonderful reflection for each of us… from our children to our animals, our colleagues, people passing us in the street, the butterfly that flies by at just the right moment… all offer us opportunities to learn, to grow and evolve – even if the interaction may appear ‘negative’ there will always be something to learn about ourselves.
Beautifully said Paula – reflections abound and are one of our best ‘teachers’ should we choose to tune into this and ‘use’ it for the opportunity that is present.
Our children are incredible reflections for us to learn and grow… they can show us how we can be if we so choose, and they can also reflect to us how we are in life, which can be an ouch but it brings an honesty to our relationship with ourselves.
‘I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.’ Sage advice. It isn’t only as parents that we can give our power away to what ‘experts’ are saying we need to do but it feels that when we are parenting, especially in the early days when we are new to it all, it all gets magnified. As parents, we are the ones who know our children best and we are really best placed to understand what is needed at any given moment for our children. As you suggest, therefore, by adopting a certain way of living where we bring all of who we are to what we do we are able to feel the truth of that moment with clarity and absoluteness – no wobbles – just an inner knowing of what is appropriate and loving.
Parenting is hands down one of the greatest responsibilities there for us to embrace, a responsibility that is not limited to those with biological children, for we are all exposed to children. Just today I was speaking to a man who has just completed work placement as a primary school teacher. He said it was much tougher than he imagined dealing with all the different personalities and dealing with the lack of parenting from home in effect. Some children arrive to school without having had breakfast, others are allowed to roam the streets each night for as long as they please. This sharing was another confirmation of the importance of us playing an active role in children’s lives.
I remember at the time of having young children that I was caught up in the busyness of playing mum, rather than ensuring that my children received a reflection of true self-care. In a way I have learned this at the same time as my daughters have growing up, and it is never too late to reflect this to one another.
It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation. This does make all the difference doesn’t it Nicole, giving ourselves space to do what is needed instead of running on the nervous tension that we put our bodies under when we are running with our heads. The tension makes us feel overwhelmed and not equipped for what is there to be done.
A beautiful understanding of true parenting for ourselves and our child/children everywhere with the awareness that we all feel everything and the quality of everything really makes all the difference . Our responsibility of being a role model is not really something we are brought up to see but simply makes sense in our lives from this clear understanding of the role energy plays that effects us all as well as the importance of living the lightness and joyfulness we all are.
‘We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time.’ Very true. This is why they offer such a good reflection of how we are in ourselves.
Parenting is about reading what a child needs and delivering it through unwavering love and truth.
Absolutely Nicole, and not to be hard on ourselves for making those mistakes, but choosing to see that it is our choice of the quality that we connect to thereafter that changes things.
Being who we truly are is the greatest gift and greatest support we could offer anyone. It means we are totally unimposing, totally understanding and bring no emotion or self investment on the person being a certain way for us. What could be sweeter than that?
What a great offering for any parent on finding your own way, and the immense difference being truly you can make to your child.
When we allow ourselves what is truly needed in any moment all is taken care of.
Nicole, your blogs about parenting can be read as a guide for everyone, not only at the time when we are parenting young children as actually we never stop parenting. The blogs are a guide for how to live with ourselves in a way that is true and loving. Like this one: ‘I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.’ This applies for anyone who struggles with the demands of everyday life.
That’s it Elizabeth, the moment we take responsibility for the quality we live in, we are parenting ourselves, taking care for others, our children, will come with and from this love and care. Parenting is natural in us all.
‘…Flying Blind or creating my Own Road Map, can be applied to many situations and opportunities and a source of inspiration for myself as I approach a new project. Thank you.
There’s many a time we feel we have to seek outside of ourselves for guidance. The truth is we are wise and all knowing beyond our own imagination.
Well said Kehinde. It is through living in our own connection that we are given all that we truly require.
As many of us were not parented with this level of responsibility, as neither were our parents or parents parents. It has produced the opportunity where everyone is watching everyone, children, teens adults alike, to see who has worked out a way through life. So when we consider this angle we have the opportunity to be a parent to the world population simply living our own lives with energetic integrity.
I love how the way that you take care of yourself leaves your daughter free to be herself. Just gorgeous.
Raising a child totally begins with self-care. This is s great sharing that presents the truth of parenting. Scrap the ‘how to’ books – this is all about how to be – as a reflection for them to observe and learn from.
‘It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.’ This is well said ‘including oneself in the equation’ is essential and supports children to grow feeling it is normal to have self worth.
We are so powerful! To be aware of how we move and whether we choose to have a day that flows or not is inspiring. I certainly know when I’ve created complication and set myself up and still sometimes fall for the follow up which is being a victim and blaming others when I’d created it all. Now to observe how quality allows space and connecting with the flow to begin a true appreciation of Divinity flowing through us.
It is so cool when we listen to what we innately know is true for us. How we do really know what we need and how this is supported by us honouring and making these choices.
When I first had kids, I read a few parenting books which generally made me feel inadequate and more concerned. As you say, Nicole, finding our own way with parenting and building confidence in what we feel is needed and is a worthwhile process.
I love reading your blogs about parenting Nicole. Although I do not have children they make perfect sense, we have all been children and parented ourselves after all.
With all the demands of motherhood these are very supportive words Nicole: keep it simple, allow yourself space and do things without rushing.
‘By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter. An “A-HA” moment you could say – that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything.’ So true Nicole , we have immediate reflections in our children….and everything around us.
I remember with my first child, so many people suggested different books I should read or use as a guide to inform my parenting, I was at times bamboozled, I realised some where along the way that I needed to choose how to parent for myself and that I would live and die by that and learn from it. I neglected my inner knowing for too long and began listening to what I felt was true, I am still learning what this means for myself and my children, no perfection required, but being constant and standing by what we feel is true is a great start.
It would be useful once in a while to stop and look at the way we are living and ask “is this exactly how I would like my child to be living, the same thoughts and the same beliefs and the same issues? If the answer is no, then we need to ask why are we continuing doing it in our own lives.
Nicole, this sentence for me, should be in bold, as so many of us to try to twist, mould and generally re-configure our kids into our pre-conceived ideas about who we believe they should be. Hardly ever are they simply encouraged to be themselves. When they are left to their own devices this tends to be as a result of an image that the parents hold about ‘free parenting’, which is simply a sneaky picture.
It is the love that we hold ourselves in that enables another to feel held and loved.
Another gold nugget Alexis. It is not what we do, but how we are that enables another feel supported and loved.
‘And included myself in the equation’, it’s when we start to include ourselves, our real selves and not our projected selves that life really starts to shift. It’s by including ourselves, almost like an additional person that we are taking care of that life starts to transform and the better care we take of ourselves, the more life transforms.
I would have benefited so much from reading this as a young mum. There is so much being offered here about the importance of honouring ourselves as women first and foremost before we step into the role of being a mother, which does not generally get taught in ante-natal classes.
We are always learning, even when we are parenting… and for me it has been one of the biggest learning times I have ever had.
I have also encountered the plethora of advice and education about parenting that is out there, much of it very conflicting and confusing. I have realised with time and experience that the best thing I can do as a parent is to stay present in the moment and really sense what is needed for my children and for myself and the harmony of the whole family at any given moment or situation. This wisdom comes from within me from that connection and is not based on knowledge I have learnt or acquired from outside.
I found one book super helpful with my baby, I am not up on medical things and I found it supportive to look at different ways of sleeping, feeding etc I had no other mums around me or family. For the most part I followed our unfolding path, I definitely steered clear of theories – of which there are plenty!
We can have ideals and beliefs about our role as parents but in my view our biggest task is to listen to our children and they will tell us all we need to know about parenting
True Carmel, we can learn a lot from children and adults if we take the time to listen rather than stick to our pictures and ideals.
Realising just how sensitive children are and how much they sense from those adults around them means that they are effectively reflecting to us how we are.
Ariana, I love how you describe ‘parenting ourselves’, when I treat myself with the firm loving guidance of a parent, i.e. to not stay up late, eat nourishing food, dress warm enough for the cold weather etc., I feel far better equipped to deal with my day than if I don’t.
We can care for our children in equal measure to caring for ourselves. If we do not care for ourselves then we are not prepared to care for others.
Brilliant Nicole, time + tasks so often = stress and pain. Parenting seems to be one of those huge life events that highlights this equation. But ironically it’s the children that have something important to show us. They never live in the future or the past, they don’t hold onto old hurts, they live in the moment enjoying how they feel right now. If we did this more, would we forget to include ourselves in our day the way that we do? We certainly all deserve to be treated lovingly, just like a young child.
“It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.” If we do not take care of ourselves, ‘include our self in the equation’, then who are we bringing to the ‘equation’ and filling the time?
I would love to have had this insight when I embarked on parenting for the first time. And along with the physical preparation for pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, I would have realised the opportunity to deepen my relationship and honesty with myself as the foundation for all that lay ahead. Very cool to consider and offer this as the opportunity to prepare and be responsible for one of the most awesome jobs int he world.
‘We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.’ in life there are so many roles and things that are there to pull us out or get lost into such as parenting,being a mother, a father, a business worker, a son or daughter and do in. When we focus on the role, we quickly forget to even consider ourselves or to remember that we need to make space for this. The more we build our inner communication and awareness of where we are at and how we are, then our quality beautifully deepens to everything we do or whom ever we are with.
I have the utmost respect and appreciation for (new) mothers – the physical and hormonal changes, the birth and after effects, and the days, weeks and months following operating on little sleep. It is not easy. Taking time for yourself, when you can, is hugely important.
Allowing ourselves space as parents is vital, I can feel if we try and run to someone else’s schedule or what we perceive to be the right thing to do, we loose ourselves. When we offer ourselves space it is how we are in life, not what we do, we still care for others but we do not bend ourselves over backward and harm ourselves in the process.
And it’s so important for us to consciously make and create this space for ourselves as parents, simply because there are other littler people there relying or even demanding from parents.
“I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” The same here, what I felt and feel when raising our daughter.
By the fact that many turn to the outside for the answers rather than just in an inquisitive way to look for possible tools to how they feel to address certain things as a parent – it just goes to show how disconnected we are from our innate knowing as a society.
“I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” It is the space in which we surrender to, that then creates space for us to support ourselves and our next movements thereafter. It is in these movements to support ourselves that we begin to see life about the grander picture and one that not only includes us as equally as important as another but holds all equally within that space too.
It is far more wise and responsible to take a moment to read and sense what is required according to what the moment is showing us, than following some ideal, dictation or belief which are always based on something in the past.
As you express Nicole we are our children’s role models, they observe and feel everything, therefore if we treat ourselves with any form of disregard then that is what they are seeing. On the other hand, if we are consistently committed to truly caring for ourselves in all ways and this was simply a natural part of our daily rhythm then they are seeing that this is the way to be. “I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter ….that how I was with me impacted on everyone and everything.”
‘…included myself in the equation…’ is really key in caring for and being with people, only then there can be balance and steadiness without living on anyone´s costs.
The world is changing! We are coming out of the time of; it has always been done this way, era. Not because it was right, just because! There is another way to raise our children as you have said Nicole by taking responsibility for our selves and a way we live our life that is a foundation our children can build their lives upon.
So taking care of ourselves is the first step in being a good parent.
In being a great and true parent. For me I would say that looking after me and self caring has been the greatest gift I have offered my daughter in parenting her. It’s given me the ability to clearly feel, deeply love, truly understand, caringly suppory and also hold boundaries.
Knowing that parenting is not just something we do but more so something we reflect to our children is a game changer. It makes sense that our quality is felt first by our children, and by everyone else equally, so that our quality of living becomes important and not so much the words we say and the things we do. Feeling how someone else lives is the most inspiring thing in the world, be it positively or negatively.
This is such a true point Leigh that you bring up about reflection. For reflection is really the only thing we are always offering everyone.
Every day offers a new beginning to parenting my children so if I felt I held back, didn’t listen to myself or as yesterday evening I wanted to be in control and not allow my daughter to have a go at something because of my issues I know next time that I will have another opportunity to re-imprint. Being open to what is true in every moment is key.
Another great sharing Nicole. Young mothers and Parents to be will gain much from your shared experiences.
You are a true role model Nicole Serafin, thank you.
We only have to meet people for all of them with all of us. No trying, no forcing, no struggle, no compromising, no calibrating, no compartmentalising. Sounds like a lot of things not to do but really think about all the energy that goes into DOING all these things!
A lovely sharing Nicole, and how amazing and supportive is it for us to be with our bodies and what we are doing one thing at a time, and at the same time when I feel this is happening there is many deeper forms of presence we can allow within ourselves which see the joy, wonder and understanding of life.
The other beautiful thing about parenting is that you get to realize that it is not about being a certain age as children can also parent us right back too! Such wisdom that can come from such young bodies is very humbling, and shows me how we can all learn from each other!
“We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time.” – We are role models at all times – we are being noticed all of the time, so the question is what kind of role model do you want to be? One that teaches children that we are not worth caring for OR one to inspire a child that we are all equally important and all equally worthy and valued? This can be hard to live when we have not realised our own self worth, and so it is an opportunity to begin this and keep deepening this as I discovered after having my son!
Nicole, I can certainly relate to the fact that as a new parent there is a real pull to put oneself as second or third or forth – last essentially! …it’s like it is selfish to look after yourself and certainly to take the time to do so and to enjoy it too! As mothers we are almost expected to put everyone else’s wellbeing first, where as it is actually equal in importance – it is paramount that we learn to value ourselves just as much as the precious bundles that we bring in and just as much as our partner, family and friends. This in itself is a big learning!
Stopping to feel what’s needed in the moment we are facing – this is key in everything we are doing.
Indeed it is a draining trap to lose ourselves in roles such as parenting or caring for others. It is so important that we care for ourselves so we can care for others.
Nicole, I hope you are writing all of this in a book, as your experiences of true parenting are gold to be shared with all young parents.
‘I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.’ – such a beautiful reminder for us to trust in our own wisdom. When something is new to us, it makes sense that we want to do the best job we possibly can. But, in truth, as you share, we don’t need to look outside ourselves for this information, we implicitly know exactly what is needed in any moment, just by listening to the wisdom being shared from our own precious body.
One of the really cool things about parenting is that there is no manual for it, well there are thousands of books and manuals on the topic but every child is different and every situation is different so not one will be written to explain how to care, nurture and support your child or baby, it really is a task you have to learn from feeling or reading what is right for your baby.
It is beautiful to realise that the quality we bring to how we live ourselves, down to the tiniest detail, has a direct effect on our children. We can support them far more through our own choices to self love than through following any of the ‘how to parent’ books available.
Alexis, I can relate to what you share. As a live-in carer working with a new client with complex needs, not until I established a solid routine and rhythm for myself was I able to fully support her and myself.
It is a common story of women putting themselves last in the equation of looking after everyone else and then feeling overwhelmed and at times resentful – what has been presented here totally turns that on its head.
If ever there was a textbook for true parenting, you could be the author Nicole. I agree that there was never a parenting book that made sense to me either, as they all seemed to be too specific, as if all children are the same and have the same needs, which could not be further from the truth. And when we take the time and responsibility to take deep care of ourselves first (which goes against the typical ‘martyr mom’ tendency to take care of everyone else first till they drop or get exhausted or ill) it gives other parents and children a chance to see how they can do the same.
‘…setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur…’I can so relate to this. If I don’t do things for myself then it feels like I’ve lost my footing on a treadmill – if you’ve ever seen Bill Murry in Lost in Translation it’s like that only not as funny!!
The simplicity in this is super powerful and you can apply it to any part of our lives ‘It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.’. With this as your default mode life does a u turn and things become a lot more clearer.
Parenting through ideals or outcomes is a dangerous relationship to build with children – how can you treat every child the same when they are all different, or parent based on a model that’s designed by institutions who have not met your child and are out to make profits? Gambling the upbringing of our kids leave gaps for many consciousnesses and expectations to affect their quality of wellbeing.
It’s great reading the accounts of people who have chosen in challenging situations to deepen their personal relationship and care of themselves as a way of ensuring they are stable and steady, and able to connect to and draw on the inner awareness and wisdom we each have access to if we choose it.
It shows how and why during those moments when I was chasing answers outside of self I seemed to feel less and less steady and confident and more and more needy and disempowered.
It is without a doubt that making a rhythm for yourself – a self loving rhythm is essential in supporting our selves and our families.
If we are connected to ourselves, we will be connected to our kids and we will know how to parent them, as we will be able to feel what is needed. When my kids were young I was so disconnected from my body I had no sense of who they were and what they needed this only changed when I re-connected to my body. Our body holds the wisdom of parenting, not the books we read.
That A-HA moment with your child was colossal – That your own way of being impacts every single aspect of your own life but also those of your family and beyond. A valid and crucial life science lesson for everyone.
The best way to inspire another is by living in a way that reflects who we are. This by its very nature then reflects to another a way of living that they can also choose. Beautifully demonstrated here.
So true, Shirley-Ann – “honouring me IS honouring everyone else”. It took me a long time to come to terms with this truth, as I was so accustomed to the notion that this was selfish. But the quality of living true to oneself is a gift for all, as you say.
Beautiful, Nicole. What a blessing it has been for your children to observe you as someone who does not become just ‘the mother’ but remains ‘the woman’ in honouring her own rhythm and flow no matter what.
‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body…’ How many parents consider this as the priority, rather than making the child everything at the expense of their body? I expect only a few. It makes complete sense what you share – and by flipping the equation you show that parenting is something that can be sustained without stress, anxiety and exhaustion.