Ever since I was young, family was everything.
From the moment I was born, the first others I felt and saw were my family. I was the first-born child on both my mother’s and father’s side – and there was much celebration and many photo shoots, family gatherings and doting, just about me. From the very beginning, I was deeply loved and cared for. From my Mum and Dad, aunties and uncles to the grandparents, I took centre stage. Every move was watched, every word spoken and heard. I was the golden child with everything laid at my feet. With all of this attention, there was nothing I could do that was wrong.
With all the fussing came something underlying. I felt exalted, not just from being me, but for what it was I could do. I was the one others could tell their friends about and boast to their neighbours about. I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives. In all this, the expectations were enormous. The first-born baby and a son, too. What would become of me? Would I become a builder like my grandfathers? Maybe an engineer? Maybe I was so intelligent that I could become a doctor or lawyer? This would make everyone proud, to see the first-born son become something great.
I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way. If I smiled on cue, did things that made people laugh and did all the things that pleased them, there was much in it for me. I could get my needs met at the drop of a hat and all the attention I wanted.
This was all rosy, with it all going my way; I had it made, or so I thought. But next came something that really rocked my little bubble – along came some brothers and then sisters and I was no longer ‘the one.’ Now there were others that were smaller and cuter and who got all the attention. How could I compete with this?
There was no amount of looking brighter or being better that could compete with what I was up against, so by trial and error I found what worked for me was going into my shell. In the withdrawal, the attention came again; not in the form previously, but nevertheless it was there and at this stage of the game I would take whatever I could get. My family would say “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sad? Would you like this or that to cheer you up?” Again, the game was on.
With this way, I learned that I could manage life quite well. I could get all the attention I needed by not engaging with life, by disconnecting from the world and waiting for others to connect with me. My move was strategically planned and fail-safe, or so I thought.
As I got older, into my teenage years, I discovered that not everyone wanted to be around someone so withdrawn. I often felt isolated and alone. For a long time I lived like this, knowing all along that there must be more. Things didn’t add up. Surely there must be more to life than the constant merry-go-round of seeking recognition from others in this way.
It took going through a family breakup and the support of Universal Medicine practitioners for me to realise that the way I had set things up was causing the problem.
From there, what I started to feel was my own connection within. The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling what I knew deep down to be me. It had been there all along – I just chose to not connect within to my own essence.
Bit by bit I realised that with this connection with myself, I could also connect with others in a different way than I was used to. I felt I could let go of trying to be a certain way and be me, without the concern of what others might think. I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.
When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.
This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.
By Chris Vale, Mechanical Fitter/Welder, Bunbury, Western Australia
Further Reading:
Acceptance
Packaging and Opening Us Up
Returning to our essence
511 Comments
Wow, you have really made it clear just how much pressure we can place on to your children, even such a young age, just by dotting and fussing over them, which in many cultures is a way of showing love and affection, but actually what you are saying and showing by example is how this could be the beginnings of a person not knowing themselves in the stillness of their own inner-heart.
Too true – scary how early that pressure gets applied, right from the first need for a smile when we are babies.
So simple and gorgeous to read Chris, thank you for sharing, the games we play looking everywhere outside of us to be loved, when as you have found all you ever wanted is there right inside you all along.
Beautiful and so simple. If we build the connection to our essence, nothing outside of us is needed to feel really gorgeous and nothing can really touch us. Though external things can still hurt.
The games we play to quell our need for recognition, our need for being individuals who are just a little bit different, a little special are endless and they come in all of the varieties which we like to identify with.
A beautiful sharing and appreciation for yourself and the love you truly are . It brings an understanding and responsibility to us all to live in connection to our essence and asks nothing but for us to simply be who we are.
A very honest account of what happens to us when we rely on confirmation from the outside world that we are okay, that we have a place in this world and deserve to be cherished and loved – just for being us.
‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for.’ This is very, very beautiful.
This is a beautiful blog Chris and it is reminding us that our relationship with ourselves is forever there for us to deepen and cherish. Without first deeply connecting to ourselves we would find it very difficult to deeply connect to others. Our relationships are never separate, because the one we have with ourselves is equally as important as the one we have with others.
Shows how much we manipulate and cover up the situations before us to not reveal we are the ones causing them to be that way in the first place. It takes a lot of deep honesty to break through this.
Thank you Chris for sharing your experience. I can so relate to your words as this was my experience also. Being the first born girl with three younger siblings I also withdrew from a very young age. I carried this through into my adult life, often feeling isolated and closed off from people not realising it was ME that was doing the shutting off. It was through Universal Medicine that I found the truth of who I am and from that first encounter realised that I had to take responsibility for my life, heal my childhood hurts and stop blaming. Life is awesome now and like you I am developing my inner connection, opening up to people and letting them in and it feels amazing and quite frankly, oh so simple.
The whole world misses out when we withdraw however when we realise that there is a quality that we can connect to that supports us to deepen in love, a quality that we can feel in our bodies and one that we can build on day by day we can work with that and know that what we bring to the world is our essence. No need for comparison or competition – we are, in truth, all equal and it is up to us to live, as soulfully as we can, our own expression .
Thank you Chris for sharing so beautifully how it is through our connection to who we are within that we discover what is means to truly belong, to a love that is out of this world and deep beyond measure, where we do not need to be anything else or do anything other than just be our ever-deepening selves.
Love this Carola, realising that we are not just human, we are multi-dimensional beings takes away the striving for anything on the outside of ourselves and allowing that deep connection within to come to the surface and shine out for all to see.
Brilliant Carola, beautifully expressed and this highlights how simple and joyful life can be. There is no need for control or fear when we connect to who we are, to live and express from our essence is a blessing to us all.
Which means that we are not after recognition and acceptance at every turn of the corner any longer and free to be who we truly are.
Thank you Chris for your honest account. We all have patterns of behaviours that hold us back from claiming our inner selves. To understand that there is actually another force at play for now unseen that is attempting to stop us all from claiming what we know to be true. And for the majority of us human beings if we were told this as a fact we wouldn’t believe it.
This is very beautiful to read. I’m reminded of any set up whereby we are applauded for what we do and we go for this attention instead of feeling our connection to our essence within. Like prima ballerina’s who are up and coming but then are moved out of the limelight when their abilities wane. Or actors who no longer get the roles. Without connection to our essence this must be a very painful experience.
Very beautiful Chris, it allows me to feel my own foundation and also the areas where I have not held steady and created problems which led to me feeling empty and needing approval or recognition by my surrounding.
Well captured, equally to feel that in fact indeed we are set by our foundation to come back to.. So the stronger our connection is continuously, the greater the come back and rock solidness of your truth. Thank you for this clear viewS
What a set up from young. Getting a lot of attention for just being born and then being replaced by others – this must be how all first-born children feel. Then what often happens, the firstborn is asked to look after the younger siblings. We need to have conversations with our children about valuing themselves for who they are and not seek recognition for what they do.
‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.’ Wow this is huge Chris and a beautiful example of how building that connection with oursleves supports us to change old habits and patterns that have been deeply ingrained. I have experienced this too with withdrawal from me my inner steadiness supported me to deal with things i would have previously found frightening and overwhelming, it supports me to walk out of withdrawal from fears that kept me from living life and that actually had no hold over me, I just believed they did. Building our inner connection changes life and how we are in it, in ways we could not imagine.
‘With all the fussing came something underlying. I felt exalted, not just from being me, but for what it was I could do.’ I feel there is an honesty needed in me that pinpoints what it is that I go for when I am not confirming myself in my beingness or appreciating. It’s when I feel into that energy that I’m wanting to capture I get to discern its quality, then I can decide whether I really want to go for it or not. It’s like when I was a girl I could attract a certain type of energy and be noticed, but when I felt what came back at me and what I went into it didn’t felt far from nourishing and actually quite insidious and toxic.
Whether it is withdrawing or being the centre of attention to get any form of recognition from outside of us, neither are ever fulfilling or sustaining. Connecting to the love within as you share Chris holds and nourishes the being we are. Beautiful.
I feel it is a smidgen sad that we need to celebrate you celebrating you enjoying just being you…how far have we gone from what we know to be loving relationships that we need our adorable babies to please us to feel loved by us. We may not consider it the reality but it is a reality far greater than we like to admit.
‘that we need our adorable babies to please us to feel loved by us’ This feels ugly, a global set-up we enter into as we are born. I don’t see many people being aware of this and so the cycle repeats as people become a part of it. Appreciating ourselves and each other for who we are breaks this cycle.
The unconscious grooming that we can find ourselves the recipient of or even the orchestrator of, slips in so early in life and this blog exposes this so beautifully. The space you have allowed to re-connect to your own divinity is to be celebrated. I deeply appreciate your sharing of the awareness of what happened to allow in separation in the first place and love the simplicity and understanding this blog offers us all – Thank you Chris
It is beautiful to hear a man write in such an honouring way about how he values tenderness and connection.
It is so interesting what you have shared and shows how we settle for attention when love is absent and then in this we feel more lost.
Wow this is gold what you share, that even when you feel rejected it is something that doesn’t wobble you away from what you know to be what holds you and supports you, your connection to your Soul. That is super powerful.
There are a million articles online about different trades and things we can do but how many talk about our connection as you do Chris? And yet this is our true no. 1 job of being alive. We have life the wrong way around – focusing on pursuing outcomes instead of the way we get there.
Great point Joseph, I agree so many of us in this world have lived our lives the wrong way round because we see this happening all around us, so we have a tendency to think this must be it. Also, we easily get sucked into a false way of living life that seeks recognition, identification and separation because we may not have grown up seeing life being lived any other way. We may not have had reflections from others of how to live a true way of life that is full of purpose, love and decency. For me, meeting Serge Benhayon and the people at Universal Medicine offered me this beautiful and magical reflection of absolute love and truth, these amazing people live life with purpose and grace. From this glorious reflection, I knew that the life I was living in disconnection and complication wasn’t it and I too changed my life around.
The part what we often forget and don’t do is that of Appreciation, actually appreciating ourselves.. It was recently that I asked my nurse colleague about what he appreciated about himself and in a nutshell it was very difficult for him to express that as much was referred to ‘doing’ ‘doing things good’ and ‘achieving recognition by patients’ to know that you have done well.. It was this very example that struck me to feel that we need to live so much more and start appreciating who we are.
‘I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives.’ I see this a lot in life. A baby comes into the room and people are reminded of the beauty they are but aren’t living much of the time if at all. So the reflection is adored but isn’t seen as equal to their own so becomes a distraction from all that isn’t beautiful.
I agree very beautifully expressed. I find when I withdraw, it hurts everyone and there is no evolution in this choice as it only cements the hurt deeper and for longer. It is so much more loving and supportive to stay steady, connected, opening and loving towards ourselves and others.
When we feel rejected, the most common thing to do is to withdraw and feel hurt. But what I realise is that choosing to withdraw hurts us more than the initial rejection. So, I am learning to stay open, be loving, feel what is going on and not withdraw. This feels so much more supportive, evolving and amazing.
Staying open and transparent is revelatory for me when I choose this way of responding. It shows me what I’ve created and how connection with others is always possible if I don’t reject people.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am” Gorgeous Chris its so simple to be ourselves, it is crazy how we can spend most of lives avoiding this simplicity.
Yes Sam and the juxtaposition of something that doesn’t ask us to be anything other than who we are but equally doesn’t stand still…it is constantly offering us a deeper relationship with ourselves.
You describe a true freedom and joy Chris, super.
The relationship we have with ourselves is paramount, and a foundational base for the rest of our relationships, and yes I agree, ‘The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.’
“I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way”
Even at this tender age we are party to an energetic contract, by giving a nod to our needs, we avoid the depth of relationship that can honestly be shared and moved.
It is a fact that if we love ourselves, we will have a different reflection than if we are miserable and sullen. So, it is our choice how we are going to invest our time when it comes to carving out a persona or find out who the real us is – no one can do that for us or bring this to us.
It’s amazing to look at the patterns of behaviour we have used, and to ask what we have gotten out of them. Each one is carefully crafted to get us not feeling something, but in the end we miss out on our connection with ourselves and that is the thing that is most natural to us and that we want the most.
Lovely Chris, and that final comment ‘it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am’ is the home run. We try and try and try, get exhausted and put on so many different personas, and yet the answer is so simple, waiting inside of us. When will we listen, and how often?
It’s so true isn’t it… To be absolutely dedicated to humanity and starting to listen to what is before us
Chris, this is really lovely to read, it makes me feel that I too can hold myself no matter what is going and not to loose confidence in myself, but to always hold myself in love and understanding.
‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. ‘ This is really beautiful. Not withdrawing from life because you’ve got your own back so to speak. This is something I have actually always wanted from another but how amazing to know this is something I can be for myself. So no holding back from life for fear of how I’ll be received but a steadiness with me that welcomes people and life without reservation.
We are really all just like actors in a play of life, choosing different characters to be to fit the part or the situation. So lovely that we can also choose to come back to a way of being that we have known for a very long time, and that each time we make this loving choice, we are totally nourished, supported and confirmed in.
Great analogy Julie – so when are we going to take off the costume and start to get to know who we really are?
As a school teacher, I have observed the same false confidence in many kids as well as those who are withdrawn. What is interesting is how those who display the false confidence try to believe that they are who they portray they are, but they know exactly what they are doing and what they are feeling/hiding. What an indictment of humanity that our youth feel they have to try and cover up their insecurities in the fear of being persecuted for them, not feeling that their sensitivity is valid.