Growing up Liberal and Sexually Free
I grew up in Holland, a country well-praised for its liberalism, freedom of speech and lifestyle. I grew up thinking that in our liberal society/culture there were few of the major problems that are so prominent in the rest of the world. I did not think there were any racial problems, homophobia or sexism in my direct community. Where I lived, people were openly gay in schools and I personally did not even notice if your skin colour was different. I thought it was great that we allowed ‘soft’ drug use and believed our country was a role model for a ‘live and let live’ attitude.
I grew into a teenager thinking I was very liberal, that there wasn’t a problem with sexism and I did not even know the word misogyny. I thought I was sexually free and did not have an issue with nakedness. I would go to saunas and believed it was normal to be nude around other people in this setting and the only discomfort I felt was because I had issues with my body. Of course there was the odd pervert around, but I only thought of it as annoying.
Sexism and Misogyny… Not such a Big Deal?
But was this real?
In recent years I have been reading a lot about sexism and misogyny.
My first response to it was that doesn’t happen where I live…
When I started to see that sexism and misogyny actually was happening much more than I thought, my second response was, “Geez people, why make such a big deal about the little things? It’s cool to have a bit of fun, it is not meant in a bad way.” etc. etc.
I thought the ‘feminist reactions’ were exaggerated and unnecessary.
But I was so wrong!
Only slowly did it dawn on me how wrong I was, after I was stopped by a simple question. I was asked to look at my own experiences as a woman and to see how many times I personally had come across sexism.
I was shocked at what I found. Just looking at my teenage years, I came to a full-page list of assaults ranging from remarks about my breasts or bum to downright groping and grabbing – most of them in the latter category. And this list was just the type of incidents, not how many times they occurred.
I had even twice narrowly escaped very serious assault attempts; once by a group of boys and once by a man chasing me in the streets at night.
I began to see instantly that things like misogyny and sexism
were a big deal…
The Shocking Normalisation of Sexism and Sexual Behaviour
After realising this, I felt to ask around my female friends and every single one of them had had similar experiences.
This shook me to my core: in my ‘liberal’ society there was not a single woman who had not experienced some form of sexism or inappropriate sexual behaviour, from the so-called ‘mildest’ of misogynistic comments to instances of outright physical and sexual abuse.
The truth of what was and is really going on was starting to form in front of my eyes and I realised that I had grown up believing that sexism was normal.
The reason I thought we did not have deeply embedded problems in our society was because I was looking at the extremes and had learned to dismiss the less extreme incidents.
I had been taught by society that this was normal behaviour from men, and we as women should take it as a compliment and not be fussy about it; that this was the game between men and women and I was expected to play it and like it.
In fact I had learned to ‘numb out’ how I truly felt about this, and adjusted to being a way that I thought I needed to be – to be socially accepted.
I now realise how deeply ingrained these totally harming sexual dynamics between men and women are, in even the most ‘liberal’ societies in this world. Through magazines, videos, songs, books, movies and all media we are being bombarded with images and stories ingraining and supporting the ideals and beliefs we hold as women and men – that tell us that sexism is ‘natural’ and acceptable behaviour.
The simple truth is that even though in most modern/liberal societies men are more and more willing to say women are equal, underneath that there is still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.
There is so much more to look at than is generally thought about.
Yes, it is great progress that we now have many men in our society who are thinking it is natural for them to take a more active role within the household, taking care of the kids or cooking a meal. But this is not the end of sexism. The same man who is washing the dishes at home could be in a bar with his friends, mouthing off about the ‘big tits’ on ‘that’ women on the other side of the room.
Addressing Sexism in a Liberal Society and the Natural Way to be
In the past couple of years I have come to feel the impact of living with the beliefs and ideals that actually supported sexism.
I had completely shut down my sensitivity, tenderness and delicateness as a woman while thinking I was ‘free’ in my body. I had bought into the ideals and beliefs of a so called liberal society so much that I thought addressing sexism was considered extreme or overly feminist.
I see it very clearly now:
Sexism is a very big problem in our society today. It has exploded into a very worrying ‘normalised’ behaviour that is seriously affecting everyone, especially our youth.
Both boys and girls, men and women have gotten caught in this increasingly sexualised game and the extremes are growing more and more obvious, leading to very unnatural behaviour, if you consider how delicate and sensitive we really are. But in a world where sensitivity is not accepted, we have become so hardened in our ‘liberal society’ that it takes really awful things for us to see and feel the extremes which keep spiraling downwards.
We can only truly address these problems if we are willing to see the depth of sexism, and that really there is no level of sexism that could be seen as ‘harmless fun’.
- As women we need to look at what we have allowed or bought into.
- As men we need to look at our behaviours and the beliefs we have taken on about what it means to be a man.
In our so-called liberal societies, or any society in fact, it is time to address sexism and misogyny and what we have deemed as ‘normal’ and realise this is not normal at all. And nor is it natural, as the natural way for men and women to be is immensely tender, sensitive, open and delicate.
As I have seen, there are many men and women who, inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, choose not to normalise so-called ‘liberal’ sexual behaviours, who are living proof of our naturally tender and loving ways… of how different we can be, as men and women, without the impost of the various roles we play and the ingrained male/female behaviours we take on.
By Carolien Braakenburg, Self-employed, 42, Belgium
660 Comments
We are encouraged from a very young age to shut down our sensitivity, tenderness and delicateness we are all born with and replace these natural feelings with ideals and beliefs which are fed to us from the day we are born. There is a consciousness that does not want to be exposed and so works very hard from behind the scenes to keep us all ignorant of what is really going on and anyone who dares to expose the lies we are living are persecuted in much the same way as the inquisitions of old.
There’s no such thing as ‘freedom of speech’, we all get given the words that come out of our mouths by whatever consciousness we have aligned to. The very idea that ‘freedom of speech’ is even possible comes from the pranic consciousness because the fiery consciousness knows that all of our movements (and speech is a movement) get given to us dependant on the quality of the movements that have gone before.
When yesterday’s extremes are today’s normal everyone is less. We can offer a change to make yesterday’s emotional love become today’s true love for all.
Teaching our young that everyone is offered at-least decency and respect would turn the way we treat each other, into a much deeper and meaning-full relationship, so True Love would develop.
Sexism is really a study in how we allow standards to drop, accept them as normal, and make abuse a part of everyday life. In the student body of Universal Medicine men and women relate to each other from the qualities of their true essence, with tenderness, delicateness, preciousness, and sacredness. There is an understanding that we are much greater than human flesh, that we are multidimensional divine beings that come from the body of God, and have a place within the universe.
What a beautiful question: ‘..of how different we can be, as men and women, without the impost of the various roles we play and the ingrained male/female behaviours we take on.’
That is a true question we must ask. When we lay down our pencils of how we need to be and what we need to do, we are left with a paper of space, filled by our choice to either be love (our true selves) or not.
We do all have a responsibility to call out abuse in any area, for if we do not we are actually contributing to this energy.
Being aware of how sexism is ingrained in every detail of our society is what allows us to understand its effects and stop them in our life.
this is well said Amaparo for it is engrained in every culture across this planet. It is not about the extremes, they are just the biggest branches on the tree, we need to go straight down to the roots and see how aced we all are with this quality of energy.
Our lack of love and appreciation for self can play into sexism more than most care to admit.
Being liberal is often championed as being good but looking at this definition ‘open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values’ the thing that stands out for me is that nowhere is feeling what is true mentioned. A lot of potential abuse becomes allowable if people live in fear of being accused of being stuck in the past etc and unless we are willing to take a stand and say that this behaviour is not acceptable we are complicit in it happening.
I absolutely agree Carolien that “there is no level of sexism that could be seen as ‘harmless fun” and it’s quite shocking that we have arrived at a point in our evolution where we have even considered this. I feel the same about the term ‘casual racism’ I read for the first time recently which once again shocked me. As far as I am concerned any form of racism is unacceptable as is any form of sexism. These accepted ‘normals’ are totally damaging our society and we need to take a long honest look at the lesser way of living we now seem to be accepting without very little questioning.
There is no true equality if the body is being abused in the process. Therefore sexism is more like an arrangement than true equalness.
Recently I have become more aware of how I have allowed a level of abuse from men and how in doing so this has been an abuse on them and also it turns to an internal abuse on myself which perpetuates this more. I have stopped seeking men’s approval and holding back so that they feel more comfortable, I am more at ease to walk away from a relationship that is not deeply honouring without being hooked back in by need. It has come from knowing my quality and accepting nothing less.
Great insight to realise that allowing abuse goes both ways MW, there are no winners in these situations and both genders are left less then their true expression.
It is very interesting to watch myself around men and to dissect the little nuances of energy that are swirling around. In the past I have allowed through my own lack of self worth to be abused by men I have now claimed myself back but I am very aware as I have said that there is a potential to defer to their knowing and understanding rather than to hold true to what I know to be my truth.
We so crave intimate and tender relationships with one another, that we have replaced that with being sexual. Intimacy and tenderness can be in the glance of our eyes and has nothing to do with sexual behaviours.
well said Jennifer, having sex is a very pale comparison to being intimate that only offers temporary relief where building true intimacy is deeply fulfilling and can be have in any moment with any person.
I agree absolutely with you Jennifer and likewise there can be not an ounce of intimacy is full sexual intercourse, in fact many of us have had sex so as to avoid having to be intimate with a partner. It can be easier to have intercourse than to look into another’s eyes and to have them look into ours.
” Liberal Society ”
I found it funny reading this for in truth one needs to be liberated from society as it is. For a society without love in expression is not liberal society.
Sexism is so laced in our society – we think we are tackling it when we see the extreme bits. Just because we have ‘equal opportunity employers’ does not negate the simple fact that we misrepresent and settle for less when it comes to what men and women really are. Its kind of inevitable we have lots of issues when we forget our true essence. Thank you Carolien.
So very true Joseph, sexism runs much deeper and wider then we are ready to admit at this point in time. Although it is great that the excesses are surfacing more and more the underlying stream is still flowing strong.
I read an article recently that said that there are more women than men on the front line as it were in the healthcare industry treating and caring for patients during this Covid-19 outbreak than men and they were also the lowest paid. And yet they are currently and in my opinion important people as they are the carers of the sick. This is yet another example of women having extremely important roles in society but being paid a pittance because what they do is not valued in our society.
I would agree Joshua, there are many ways we identify with our gender and often they are nothing like what we are in essence, the absolutely tenderness, love, sensitivity, we all share it equally.
I feel one of the roots of sexism is identifying ourselves with genders instead of seeing and feeling the fact that underneath every single one of us is the same unalterable Essence of Love we all are and come from.
Well said Joshua and it is only when we embrace that we all come from the same divine essence that we will truly address the abuses of sexism that have become so rife in all societies, liberal or not.
Thinking that we are free and liberated because we don’t shy away from nakedness while secretly carrying around hang-ups about our body shape plays right into the hands of misogyny and sexism. It condones abusive behaviour and makes the woman complicit in the act, along the lines of, “I’ll do anything as long as I am not judged as prudish or frigid”.
Well said Gabriele, we have bought into sexism much more than we care to admit. How often do we as women deep down feel we want to tick the boxes of sexism? How much do we cover up our lack of self worth by trying to get acceptance or even just a glance of approval by the way we look and behave?
What a powerful blog – exactly as it is. We are not free from sexism and this sexism is actual abuse. And so, we must pay more attention to why we have allowed such abuse in our lives and why we have normalised sexism to be normal in our world. Where are we truly escaping from standing up for?
The deeply imbedded lack of appreciation for who we are lies sneakily and scathingly below the sexism we have in society. To address this at its core is to again live on earth our true essence.
The teenagers of today are suffering the over sexualisation and overexposure to porn in their interactions. We cannot say this is the fault of the internet as the internet is a reflection of what we are living and our behaviours in society. Our youth is reflecting back just how lost we are and still we do not want to see it.
A comment that needs to be considered with the depth of understanding our true responsibility. This is not to take on the pressures of others, but to live a life of truth and honesty, a life that seeks to halt any behaviors that do not bring the settlednes of being our selves as our way in our world. Our youth need these solid, clear, caring, supportive behaviors to be lived so they have a role model on which to model their lives.
How sex, sexual behaviours, objectification and sexism have spread throughout all levels of society is a great indicator of how low we have dropped our standards. I’m not sure why decency is now called “old fashioned decency”, perhaps it’s time to bring back decency, integrity and respect and reinstall it into society in a big way.
I agree Meg and it shows that contrary to what we may think we have not progressed and evolved over time but instead have lost even basic and natural ways of decency and integrity.
Most people aren’t ready yet to reinstate decency and respect, we need to stoop much lower than we currently have before we independently choose to change our ways. We’re still kidding ourselves that we’re having a good time and as long as we’re able to do that then we won’t feel the inclination to change.
Well said Elizabeth, there is no worse or better when it comes to abuse as it all contributes the same quality of energy. This is not to belittle the gross atrocities that are taking place around the world but to bring to light the graveness of what we have deemed as acceptable or minor.
So much of what is accepted as normal in society can be felt, upon closer examination to be extremely dysfunctional. It is like there is a veneer of society, and a veil over people’s eyes.
I agree Chris, it is as if we have all made a general agreement of what it can and cannot be, we have settled for something way less then we could have – and be- in favour of our everyday comforts.
Very true Chris. And interestingly how much of the time we do know what is true, but the choice is not to see it.
The world as we know it is dysfunctional, even the bits that we deem to be functional because they’re either happy or going along without a hiccup are often dysfunctional because in truth unless something is serving it’s true purpose which is to guide people back to God then it’s fundamentally dysfunctional. And I acknowledge just how ‘out there’ this sounds but none the less it’s true, we’re all here to serve and expand the God that we are, there ain’t nothing else on the agenda.
Is it possible that the so-called liberalism you refer to here is not a thin veneer on an otherwise untenable situation of sexism and misogyny that has been labelled as ‘normal’ – lest we noticed what is really going on and said, no more, I am not playing that game any longer?
I agree Gabriele, it is not that different to those cultures where sexism and misogyny are blatantly present, only here it doesn’t come often in the most extreme expressions and therefore we are lulled into thinking we have it all worked out.
To end sexism and misogyny is to honour in full the power of our vulnerability and our sensitive being coupling our fragile makeup of the human body.
I saw a documentary on sex education for teenagers in the UK the other day and what was shocking to see is what the boys thought was normal, the donation they showed in the class when it came to this topic and the holding back by the girls. At the end of a 2 week educational program on sex the girls learned to speak up and correct the boys in what they until that time thought girls actually liked or should allow. The change came from the girls stepping into their power and speaking up against the until then accepted normalcy.
This sexualism that has been accepted as normal comes from and equal approach both men and woman have been sucked into. Learning to let go what we actually truly know is not loving nor respectful of each other is a process worth pursuing, and sometimes it can take a little while but when we stand there side by side with absolute love and respect it is out of this world, and beyond anything we could ever imagine.
Sometimes I think I have blinkers on when it comes to this as there have been things I haven’t wanted to see. There were certain things that didn’t sit right with me with a colleague but I dismissed them. Then when he started to make a lot of sexual remarks it confirmed what I had been feeling about him but dismissing. At first I didn’t know how to respond as I was a bit shocked of what was being said in the situation and I almost laughed it off with the other women there. The next time I asked that he not speak like that around me. This request was considered up-tight and ridiculed by the other women, I could see that they did not want exposed what they had been allowing and part of.
Gosh, it’s terrifying that we don’t even realise just how lost we are. I too have been surprised by how much I have accepted as normal life. I’ve experienced countless moments of sexism ranging from comments, through to physical assaults. And because none of it has ended ‘badly’, I’ve written it off as crappy experiences, that everyone goes through. It’s very very alarming just how much we allow.
Thank you Elodie for sharing this as I feel most women have experiences like this throughout their lives and have taken it for granted. We need to allow our sensitivity to peak and not override the abuse we feel because when we allow it we are the ones that are continuing it.
Not only do we allow behaviour that’s fundamentally unloving but we encourage and applaud it from both men and women. Casual sex, adventurous sex, dangerous sex, sex with multiple partners either at the same time or consecutively all gets a pat on the back, we see these things as achievements.
It seems incredible that a full-page list of sexist behaviour and sexual abuse could go unrecognised until you are asked to consider these events. This shows me how much our perceptions affect what we allow ourselves to see. As a woman I can also see that we have learnt to accept, tolerate and stay quiet about such things, even to the point where we don’t let ourselves recognise abuse as abuse.
This is a great example of how blinded we can become from cultural norms that we no longer see the decency and respect that is fundamental in us as human beings.
True Carolien, when we dismiss the less extreme incidents we will never get to honesty about what is truly going on. Solutions are on offer but it is not about solutions , it is about going to the root cause and the truth of the way we choose to be with each other.
From what I can see in society all around is it that our standards have slipped, what was not acceptable 10 years ago is now everyday occurrence. We can see this especially in how women are sexualised and degraded in advertisement and media.
Carolien I too grew up with the illusion that I was part of a (relatively) liberal society and like many women, included ‘sexual freedom’ as a part of that so-called liberation. Today I know otherwise – abuse of women is the norm and, like many women, I willingly subjected myself to abuse thinking I was progressive all the while.
In the extremes of behavior and emotions people have exhibited today in their quest for gender equality, in too many ways the shadow of sexism has also been fed.
It is only by exposing all the seemingly minor incidences of sexism and misogyny in our everyday lives that we can start to address the inequalities in our current society. I too have accepted a lot of inappropriate behaviour for fear of making a fuss and can feel how this has contributed to the greater ills that we are now facing with the alarming rise in the use of pornography and the increasing disconnection of so many of our young people.
I agree Carolien that a man can show a willingness to support the running of the home yet can treat women as beneath himself in other areas of his life but whatever situation we find ourselves in we have to look at the relationship we have to self. When we hold back from expressing and calling out any abuse towards women whether we are a woman or man it exposes a lie we are choosing to live with.
Whatever happened to common decency, respect and equality within the sexes, it seems our scale of what we will accept from others has slipped to an all time low and we are willing to disrespect another or ourselves with the choices we are choosing to make, for various reasons. But if we all want the same thing, love, we are going the wrong way about it.
Often what we grow up with in life and think to be normal turns out to be not something we would want in ours on anyone else’s life, when it is put under the lens of respect, decency and love.
Wow this is so interesting Carolien, to expose our tolerances to things like sexism and abuse when they are hidden under an umbrella of liberalism, freedom of speech or a ‘relaxed’ community. It’s so important to call out where we’ve settled for a comfortable standard of communication or consideration for others, which may actually fall well short of true respect!
Well said Susie, there is much for us to have a fresh look at in life as there is much we are taking for granted, have accepted culturally or are ‘just the way it has always been’.
This is an eye opener Carolien! We as women very often have to bear the brunt of this kind of Sexism and the behaviour that goes with it ,most of our lives. It is so great that we are starting to see that we do not need to accept this behaviour at any time in our lives. We know that we are equal to men and that we also deserve respect.
I find it incredible that being liberated has become synonymous with having sexual freedom when if we take a very close look at what exactly is the energy of sex, as opposed to the energy of making love, then what is it exactly that we are celebrating with this new found liberation?
This exposes so well how the corruption of words reflects the arrogance of a consciousness that seeks only to impose its ideas and beliefs onto others for the purpose of self-gain alone. For in-truth liberalism does not constitute freedom from responsibility, but this is clearly what it equates to today. The harm that this ideal propagates is what we have allowed to be accepted in society as ‘normal’, steering us further away from living in connection to our self-worth and honouring who we are as women and as men. Freedom of an individual does not mean we have the right to freely abuse another, disrespect another or dishonour another and as you shared, nor is it our natural way of being together. For we are truly free when we connect through our tenderness, through honouring our preciousness, cherishing the delicate beauty within each other, and being open to share and explore the grandness of love we innately are together. When we stand for this way of being we stand to truly free ourselves.
When I travel by ferry there is a big advertisement screen right in front of the waiting area that shows those perfume advertisements. What I noticed is that they had a high level of soft porn energy in it and it was all about attracting the other sex. We are feeding this energy from every angle. What if perfume was a way to express ourselves and nothing more?
When I see MTV and other music channels I am shocked at how much sexuality there is in these types of videos, to me it is robing our youth of their innocence and provides utterly destructive role models.
Yes there is a visible trend to be seen in music video’s and it is very much out of control. I observed some young girls the other day and they would not have been over 13. It struck me how they were dressed and how they had done their make up as I realised that not that long ago to look like that would have made you look like a hooker. Our societies values and norms have been on the decline for a very long time and the way to change it is to bring in true role models for our children and teenagers. This means we as adults need to take responsibility and change our lives first.
“there is still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.” I totally agree with you Carolien, things might have changed but it is still normal to objectify the woman’s body, jokes about women are freely made and even women laugh about them just because we think it is normal. But what if we had a choice, would we rather live with or without these kinds of misogyny? Like you shared it really takes a while to open our eyes to what is truly going on as well as seeing that we have a choice to accept it or not. By way of what we accept others say to us but also by way of how we are with ourselves as we can be our own worst critics.
It is not just “other” people who are sexist. Within ourselves we have to uncover it and deal with it. For example as a woman I need to look at whether I put down other women because they are women or do I put down men because they are men. The fact of the matter is that if we put ourselves down we will put others down so the change has to occur within ourselves first.
I absolutely agree Elizabeth, the real harm is not even in the excesses but in the more hidden patterns that we carry within ourselves and are not aware of as they will always come with us in each and every expression and add to the whole.
I have just watched a trailer for a movie about girls being kidnapped and forced in to sexual exploitation. The scenes were of girls being horribly degraded, murdered, raped, held captive and abused on so many other levels. I understand that the film makers wanted to show the world a slice of reality, it was after all based on a true story – which is horrific. But I do find it unsettling that at the end of the day this film was made with profit in mind, it was ultimately made for entertainment, it was another chance for the actors to showcase their talents and for producers to increase their clout in the industry. If it was truly to raise awareness, this film would not be using the sexploitation of women as entertainment, everyone would have worked on it for free and given all the profits raised in box office sales to organisations that actually help women out of these situations. I feel that by paying to see this film we are in fact adding to the very problem that this film is talking about – that a woman’s body can be treated as an object that has no soul.
When women accept sexism and misogyny as being the norm we shut down our natural delicateness and preciousness in the belief that this will keep it at bay when in fact all we do is invite it.
beautiful Mary and this is so very true, if we allow ourselves to be full in our expression as women we can break these patterns for once and for all.
Thank you for offering us so much to read on the subtleness of this topic. It is so underplayed and in many cases welcomed as the norm in society. In recent weeks I have noticed this and the reaction of others to down play what is obvious abuse. There is a responsibility for us all to observe and respond with a truth that calls another to a level of respectful accountability. When we choose to ignore or champion this as “‘just the way it is’ -What are we saying yes to for all of humanity?
The more love and tender self care we bring into our own lives, the more so called normal behaviour between men and women once tolerated show itself now up as abuse.
Its true Carolien, deep within all men is the tender and true heart, and in this extraordinarily dysfunctional age it is great to remember this and to feel and develop this connection within ourselves so that we can , just by being, show another way.
The more tolerances we allow in our life the more we contribute to what society calls normal when in fact that ‘normal’ is something furthest from the truth and love where we come from; calling out abuse and not allowing tolerances in life where the truth is hidden or diminished is the way forth in our evolution.
This blog is so timely when our country is talking about freedom of speech but not the responsibility that comes with that freedom. We have allowed inside and outside voices with ourselves that means we now how a culture of what is acceptable to say around different people. Even presidents say it is OK to have ‘locker room’ banter – what is with that? It leads to normalising abusive behaviour that can very easily lead to abusive behaviour outside the locker room. There is no turning on and off this behaviour. We all have to make the choice to be and live the change we want to see.
I like how you unravel sexism and misogyny. There are so many things we take as normal in this world but as you realised there are not, they are just things we got used to and/or simply do not know any better because it has always been like this. When we start to allow ourselves to feel how we truly feel about certain things and express it we will find that many feel the same and also just abide to what they have learned.
Sexism in a liberal society comes with a lot of righteousness – you not only have to point out the behaviour but also have to get past the outrage by the other of being suspected of such behaviour as, after all, with his or her attitudes, they couldn’t possibly be engaging in this behaviour.
This divide and sexism has been there for a very long time- it is again going to such extremes that it is coming to the surface like a big pimple- so that it can be seen. It will only be changed when we change this from within.
Sexism used to be felt just from men towards women but in a desperate attempt to re-invent ourselves we women are seemingly happy to be sexist as well.
Since re-reading this blog, I have been observing sexism in my immediate society, and what I have noticed is that sexism can be either coming towards me or is near, but there is always a choice that I have about whether to accept it or not, which comes by way of whether I change my behaviour, stance, the way I move and breath, or not. Therefore, any reaction that I may have to this imposing sexual energy is actually a giving in to it – which feels disempowering. However, if I remain steady and unwavering then not only do I come away unaffected, but the person who was choosing to be this way with me no longer has this energy in their body and so they are free from it too. Thus love has come in to the situation because we are all given the grace of having the space to be who we are, un-imposed upon.
This was very enlightening and thought provoking to read. What struck me the most is how invisible certain behaviours become when we live with a predominant societal belief that clouds our vision. I have had similar experiences where I cannot see something that would be obvious to an outsider, because I have accepted it as the norm and learnt to wear blinkers to the truth. Liberalism is just another belief and is far from a true way for men and women to live and be with each other.
It strikes me the most in the blog when you talk about growing up with sexism and it therefore seeming normal. This part is crucial because as our children grow to form our future societies and local communities, the respect and care they have for themselves and for eachother is paramount to how those societies and communities will be.
This is such an important subject that seems to be so easily brushed under the carpet. It is a problem that won’t just go away and it needs to be addressed to stop it being normalised. It only seems to be getting worse due to the easy access we have to porn with smart phones and the internet. We all have a responsibility to express how far wrong we have gone so that we can all start to live from our true sensitivity and tenderness.
Great conversation to have. The way women are portrayed in the media is a stark contrast to the way men are portrayed. Any look at mainstream advertising and it’s clear how sexualised women in society have become. Those are the images we are faced with and so it can become quite normal to treat women this way as sexual objects. As a woman and as women we have a responsibility to not allow this treatment of ourselves. Tackling the media industry may seem like a big job but it starts with us, in our homes and daily lives. How we move and what we allow has a ripple effect that may be bigger than what we imagine.
There’s a lot going on with preventing child sexual exploitation. Recently I was contemplating how a young girl with a learning disability has been sending photos of herself without clothes to males and not seeing any issue with this. As I saw the daily papers in the local shop today and women wearing bikini’s on the front covers next to captions which read, ‘find them topless on page x’ I thought what a contradictory message we as professionals were giving her compared to what is completely normalised, accepted treatment of women in society. I often hear people say those pictures are ‘harmless fun’ when there is nothing harmless about them.
Growing up in the 60s and 70s there were also mixed messages at that time – what we were told officially and what was really happening. It is the same today, though perhaps more often as there is much more communication happening.
There is a movement of men in today’s society who are immediately offended at the very concept of feminism, or any suggestion that women are not treated equally in society. And that is in part because as men, we have not dared get honest enough with just how entrenched the belief is that men are superior to women, or that the most important aspect of a woman is how she looks.
Liberalism sounds like a band aid for dealing with what is actually going on. Whether we are liberal or not the quality of energy in ourselves and in others indicates whether behaviour is true or not, and it’s remaining open to our sensitivity which allows the truth to be felt.
Spot on Carolien, we have normalised the sexualisation of women to such an extent that women who don’t ‘partake’ are referred to as ‘prudes’ or ‘uptight’. In fact that illustrates the polarisation of those who didn’t feel comfortable to wholesale their bodies to the images our societies were subscribing to. The truth lies completely outside this denigrating game we have at play and requires each of us to do exactly as you have done Carolien… open our eyes to what is really happening and be honest about our own feelings, as a start.
I remember the strong influence at high school of girls being called frigid by some of the boys. It held a subliminal message that we had no right to say no, that there was something wrong with us if we did, and our worth in men’s eyes was based on our bodies. It is so great to be older and see how women and girls do not have to buy into these games and by saying no we set a new benchmark of behaviour. This is the role model parents and teachers need to be setting. We can’t expect our kids to set that standard when the adults around them are making or accepting sexist comments or behaviour.
Yes i have experienced this too. Today it is even worse as it all the subtlety is often gone. When I look at what I see happening in my work as with anti-bullying programs at schools you see often girls are sent message that tells them to perform sexual acts in a way that once would be unfathomable to me. It is imperative that we become aware of what is happening with our teenagers and what they are exposed to. The level of lack of self worth in our young women today is deepening leading them to make choices they otherwise would not make.
It is absolutely shocking how we have normalised Sexism and Sexual Behaviour, sexual energy hooks you in and like a bad drug it leaves you worse of and wanting more. Making love is our true way forward.
‘The same man who is washing the dishes at home could be in a bar with his friends, mouthing off about the ‘big tits’ on ‘that’ woman on the other side of the room.’ This is the illusion of progress/evolution. I see this very behaviour happening in my highly male dominated workplace. The pack mentality is enormous and the abuse – despite subtle is insidious and rife.
I recall also believing that women needed to loosen up, and that things weren’t that bad. But boy was I also very very wrong indeed. I was so hard and so tough, and so determined to make it in a ‘man’s world’, that I was willing to overlook all those ‘little’ things that were slid under the carpet.
Today I am shocked to my core with just how blatant the sexism is even in my workplace and how accepting women are of it. I’ve been practicing not engaging and not reacting but simply offering a reflection that stands firm in expressing that it’s not ok…words are often not even needed.
The meaning and image of ‘normal’ really needs to change. At the moment, normal is being over-weight, is drinking poison (alcohol) to have a good time and relax and normal to be tired everyday and rely on sugar, carbs and caffeine to make it all better. Sexism and assaults like you have explained are all in this ‘normal’ category too. We need to change normal.
Awesome blog Carolien. As I read this I felt very confirmed in my sensitivity. When I was younger I would envy friends that seemed sexually ‘liberated’ but the truth is they were as trapped as I was, possibly shutting down their own sensitivity by playing the game and embracing it. Your words remind me to always honour what I feel.
What’s so great about blogs like this on topics in society show that it is our responsibility to express and live from our whole connection to our bodies that will help instigate change for the better and see a true shift in sexism today. Our choice to accept this continued behaviour is something that we can change from our very present movements and from here real change is possible.
The message in this blog is very clear – misogyny is an ever-present force that is active and alive as it lives through us in society without being seen because it has become so normal, thus we are numb to the subtle effects of it and are only shocked when the consequences of it are so extreme that they challenge the comfortable status quo we have all become used to.
It is shocking to see the level of abuse we allow and even accept when we are not connected to the truth of the quality we deserve to hold ourselves in.
there is so much we do that we know is not truly good for us – whether it be porn for some or a movie marathon for others – all the many thousands of things that we may get hooked into but we know there is an emptiness behind it and we feel diminished as a result – but until we connect back to the truth of who we are and hold that connection, those outer callings will continue to draw us back to fill the void.
I completely agree with what you say and I also experienced a lot of abuse when I was younger that I considered to be normal, even flattering and didn’t call abuse. This accepting as normal and acceptable what is actually very harmful is rife across our society. It works the same with health in that we now define health as being less sick rather than any markers of true health, well-being and vitality.
“I had bought into the ideals and beliefs of a so called liberal society so much that I thought addressing sexism was considered extreme or overly feminist.”
Feminism is an extreme reaction to sexism and is set up to deter the less fanatical person from seeing how damaging sexism is. I would go so far as to say that sexism and feminism are run by the same energy, just at opposite ends of the spectrum for they both breed separatism rather than seek to unify the already warring and divided sexes.
Until mankind Knows its one true heart there will be symptoms of dysfunction manifesting more and more but such dis-connection is surely unsustainable
Can it be that what we see as ‘liberal’ or ‘freeing’ is actually abusive? And that it has become so ‘normalised’ that we don’t even realise it is happening? ‘I was shocked at what I found. Just looking at my teenage years, I came to a full-page list of assaults ranging from remarks about my breasts or bum to downright groping and grabbing – most of them in the latter category. And this list was just the type of incidents, not how many times they occurred.’ We have a lot of work to do with regards to this, not accepting one iota of abuse anywhere within the world.
maybe we sometimes allow sexism and misogyny to flourish because it is convenient and comfortable for us to not step up and speak up against the ‘minor’ incidents and dynamics, not wanting to realise that this is what gives permission for the more gross and devastating energies to play out, harming everyone.
Great to come back to this article today, especially as sexism in our society is becoming more rife and especially so in schools and with people of a younger and younger age. We need to stand up to this and not let it become more and more normal. We need to let young girls know how beautiful and tender they are and the power and strength there is in this. If they see it in us, the older generation , it will be much easier for them to accept that it is also in them.
After reading this article the word that came to me is Respect, this is something we all have to start showing each other